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On the first night that we spent in the new apartment, I wished you’d sleep with me. I kept you up as long as I could, hoping that you would offer it yourself. At the end, I was only disappointed but I could never stay mad at you.
I cared about you so much that the petty fights we had didn’t matter at all. Did you know how I felt about you? I wanted to spend an eternity with you by my side.
I loved the day you didn’t have to go to work. You spent them with me and we drank. (You were cute when you were drunk. You laid your head on my shoulder and sometimes I kissed you just because I knew you wouldn’t mind -- we were friends after all.) I hoped to spend everyday with you.
Hours pass too quickly when I’m with you. Years went by before I even realized it but I’m still so, so, so in love with you.
“Jaeduck,” I say.
Having you so close to me all the time yet not being able to touch you is torture. I used to hope you would realize it without me having to tell you but it seems like you’re just as oblivious to my feelings as I was for months after I met you.
“Let’s go get groceries.”
Because I don’t want to lose you, I end up never saying anything.
You’ve been single since we met. I didn’t realize until I heard you talking to your friend. They want to set you up with someone and I can hear you laughing into your phone.
“You should go out with them,” I can hear myself say later that evening. I hate myself.
“I’ll see,” you reply and I hope, pray, that you won’t go because I’m not sure if I could handle that. I want the best for you but I can feel pieces of my soul dying every time I suggest you find someone. You shouldn’t be as lonely as me.
I know I won’t care about anyone as much as I care about you, so there’s no point.
Why does it sound so good when you say it?
You tell me that we don’t ever have to find ourselves wives, we can just live together forever. All of South Koreans can know us as friends who never grew apart. Yeah, friends.
“Sounds good.” I smile at you because I wouldn’t mind facing criticism if it was for you.
You don’t go out with whoever your friend set you up with. When I ask you why, you only brush me off.
You’re starting to act weird. Is it my fault?
Suwon goes out drinking with us one day. We’re all drunk but I can clearly see him kiss you. I get jealous but I pretend I don’t care. He puts his arm around my shoulder and kisses me too. You laugh.
“I don’t like Suwon,” you say the next morning.
“Okay.”
“Do you have someone you like?”
You. “Not really,” I answer.
“Oh.” You sound so disappointed that it hurts me.
“Promise me you won’t suddenly turn cold,” you suddenly say and I’m caught off guard.
“What? Of course not.”
I can hear my own heartbeat ringing in my ears. You’re too anxious to notice I feel like dying. The dishes I was supposed to be cleaning aren’t important anymore.
“I think…” You close your eyes and laugh. “I like men.”
You’re avoiding my eyes and I’m glad because I’m tearing up and I hate it.
Me too.
This is my chance to tell you. To get it off my shoulders.
Instead I just hug you, with those words stuck in my throat.
I love you. Why is it so hard to say it?
Because of you, my world is starting to fall apart.
I felt at ease, thinking there was no possible way you would like me back. I was wrong. How long is it going to take you to start bringing men home?
My body is screaming at me.
You’re so beautiful and I wish of nothing more than to call you mine.
The distance between us seems to be getting bigger with each passing day. If I tell you, what do I have to lose?
I’m drunk and clinging onto you. “Jaeduck,” I whisper into your ear. You look amused. “Let me tell you a secret.”
I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea.
“I’m in love with you.”
Despite me confessing being something I was only able to in my mind, I know I told you. You’re awkwardly laughing at everything I say, only making sure that it’s clear you’re aware of my feelings.
“Aren’t we going to talk about it?” you ask me.
“What’s there to talk about?”
Your bitter laugh makes my head spin. “I like you too.”