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Heart (n.)
:the organ in your chest that pumps blood through your veins and arteries
A heart. The most vital thing ever to be created by the cosmos and also one of the few things that people had to hold on to, take care of and depend on. Unfortunately, Daehwi's heart was one of the defective ones. A heart given to him when the cosmos thought, "Oh, don't worry, humans naturally have a short lifespan so why not just give this boy a defective one? Either way, he'll just die eventually."
His parents thought that Daehwi's sixteen years had been a miracle. At a young age, the doctors had already told him to expect the worst but his parents never failed to pray for his life. Daehwi was always grateful. But now a days, the battle was getting harder and harder to fight. His heart was failing him and in the end, he had no choice but to accept his limited time.
New Years Day (n.)
:an event at the start of a new year
Daehwi didn't believe in New Years resolutions but he always had a new set of wishes each year. He wrote on a piece of paper and formed it into a crane before dropping it in a jar, along with his other paper cranes. It was a silly notion, the thought of piling up pieces of paper in order to fulfill just one simple wish. But Daehwi was a dreamer that way. Amidst the battles, he was merely an exhausted boy just waiting for a miracle to happen.
Fifty paper cranes. He had managed to fill fifty paper cranes with only ten percent of them being fulfilled wishes. Over the years, his dreams grew more and more simple. It was a transition from being the "first Korean to land on the moon" to "just give me something worthwhile before my life is taken away".
Never did he think that a miracle came in the form of a boy whose eyes looked like blissful dreams.
Mellifluous (adj.)
:(of a voice or words) sweet or musical; pleasant to hear: the voice was mellifluous and smooth.
The first time Daehwi had realized he had fallen for his best friend was when his lyrics seemed to materialize into that person's very being. Each verse, chorus and melody screamed Bae Jinyoung. It was scary at first. The pronouns "he" and "him" had to be masked into the words "she" and "her" to avoid the ugly consequences that came with his feelings.
And it sucked to think that his heart was also defective that way. He couldn't fall for a beautiful girl. Instead, his heart chose to screw him over and forced itself to make somersaults whenever Jinyoung did any friendly yet borderline intimate gestures such as back hugs and obligatory headrests.
Daehwi's weekday afternoons never seemed to miss Jinyoung's presence. They spent most of their afternoons in Daehwi's living room where they'd either watch a movie or Daehwi would teach him how to play the piano. Sometimes, Daehwi would share to Jinyoung the new pieces he had composed.
Due to his heart condition, Daehwi had been homeschooled so that his parents could keep an eye on him. His mother, afraid that his son would grow up without a companion his age, asked the neighbor's kid to play with her son. That neighbor's kid happened to be Jinyoung, who at that time, was delighted to find someone new he could talk to (he was getting tired of just talking to his brother's cat). During their first encounter, they immediately became the best of friends. Daehwi had provided Jinyoung guidelines on his limits and the elder respected it.
One afternoon when Daehwi had finally finished another song on his repertoire, he played it for Jinyoung.
"After all the years that go by
I still see dreams of you and I
I can't believe that I'm awake
And still wishing for you to stay
Stay with me
Why is it only just a dream"
The sound of the piano had filled the air and only Jinyoung was able to hear the lyrics of the song as he sat beside Daehwi. It was electrifying, the feeling of pouring out melodies and trying to engulf someone in the words they weaved themselves. Every time Daehwi played a song just for Jinyoung, to him; it was like taking the elder to a world only they existed in. A place only he can enter.
A place just right for the both of them.
Once the song ended, Jinyoung placed a sticky note on one of the music sheets that was spread out on the piano stand. The small piece of paper had Jinyoung's messy handwriting scribbled on it.
Daehwi had to stare at it in order to process what was written. Maybe he was just reading it wrong. Maybe his eyes were just playing tricks on him. Maybe Jinyoung was playing tricks on him (he seemed to do that quite often). But then, Jinyoung rested his hand against Daehwi's and locked his fingers between the spaces of the younger boy's. There seemed to be sincerity in the flustered look on Jinyoung's face and the way his hand seemed to be sweaty.
Jinyoung was never really good with words. After years of being around him, Daehwi knew this very fact. Letters or small notes were Jinyoung's mode of communication when it came to sappy lines. But usually, it wasn't like this. Daehwi's wildest dreams could never compare to this moment.
I wish your songs were about me
"They're always about you," Daehwi replied in a soft whisper.
Rapture (n.)
: a state or feeling of great happiness, pleasure, or love
Labels. It always plagued Daehwi’s mind how both he and Jinyoung were just silent words of affection and loving gazes without a proper term for each other. They should be past the point of best friends by now right? It had been three months since Jinyoung said he wished Daehwi’s songs were about him but what did that mean exactly? For the past few weeks, the only lines that fit the melodies he played were “idiot”, “dumbfuck”, “asshole” and “I hate you and your cryptic ass, you annoying coward.”
When Daehwi tried to bring the topic up, Jinyoung would cling to him like an embarrassed koala and whine how he didn’t want to deal with feelings as of the moment, always trying to do weird faces and kissing Daehwi’s cheek to avert his attention away from the topic. It was just infuriating!
On the night before Daehwi’s birthday, Daehwi, himself, decided to take matters into his own hands. He wasn’t going to let Jinyoung go until he got to the bottom of it.
They were staying in Daehwi’s room and watching a movie after eating dinner with his family. It was too early for cake but his mother decided to buy two, one for the actual celebration and one for the night before. The celebration for tomorrow would have more guests visiting their home so their fridge was packed with food for the feast. Jinyoung always stayed over on the night before Daehwi’s birthday, even on a school day. Daehwi would also do the same on his. It was their little best friend tradition.
If best friends were still what they were.
They watched a movie in Daehwi’s room, eating slices of their cake as they commented on the plot. Eventually they turned silent, their eyes fixated on the screen as the central point of the plot started happening. But it wasn’t enough to repress Daehwi’s urge to ask Jinyoung about their whole situation.
“Jinyoung, why haven’t you kissed me yet?”
Jinyoung almost choked on his cake. Maybe he could have stated his question differently because for one thing, he does kiss Daehwi on the cheek. But that’s really as far as he can go.
“What do you mean? Daehwi, don’t I do that enough?”
“I mean like, you know what never mind,” Daehwi sighed, second guessing if bringing it up for the nth time was going to even give him the answer that he wanted. It would probably only annoy Jinyoung, maybe finally make him snap at how needy he was being.
“You can’t expect me to know what you want if you keep giving me mixed signals, Daehwi,” Jinyoung told him, his usual childish tone coming out every time he got frustrated with Daehwi, whenever the latter brought the topic about their “labels” up. “If you could just spell it out for me then, I wouldn’t have to always play the guessing game all the time.”
“YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST SHUT IT, JINYOUNG. YOU’RE THE ONE BEING AN EVASIVE ASS” Daehwi raised his voice. There was a frantic look on Jinyoung’s face as he realized Daehwi’s anger. It was always like that, when Daehwi was already at his breaking point, Jinyoung would be the first one to yield. That was probably because of his handicap, which was both a bane and a blessing as it always seemed to make their arguments bearable but at the same time, Daehwi didn’t like the thought of Jinyoung forcing himself to just swallow down his pride just to give Daehwi a leeway because of his condition.
“Look-” Jinyoung cut him off. “I’m sorry, okay. I know you’ve been asking me this since the piano incident-”
“PIANO INCIDENT?” Daehwi emphasized. It was like his whole confession was just a mess up when he labeled it as an INCIDENT.
“Okay, since we confessed, I just didn’t know how to deal with it without getting embarrassed,” Jinyoung explained. Daehwi sometimes forgot he was dealing with his best friend who looked seventeen but still had the mental age of a twelve-year-old.
“So you’re okay with me stressing out over this?”
“No,” Jinyoung shook his head profusely, holding Daehwi’s hand and squeezing it. It was unfortunate how super sweet he always turned when it all came down to them having an argument. “The last thing I want to do is stress you out, okay?” His voice was softer now as he moved closer to Daehwi’s side, both their shoulders touching and there was no space left between them. “It’s just-” there was a short pause, the sound of the movie’s dialogue filling in as Jinyoung chose his words carefully. In times like these, he was more conscious than his usual playful and impulsive self. It was the mature side of Jinyoung that Daehwi had glimpses of every now and then, mostly during times when he finally yields to an argument. “Doesn’t it make your heart beat faster?”
“What?” Daehwi was all confused now. Of course, it made his heart beat fast but isn’t that the point?
“Daehwi, if I do all those things, I just..” he bit his lower lip, a habit he did when he’s trying to say the words he’s been holding back. “If it makes my heart beat this fast, or like the thought of me doing those things with you like kissing on the lips, it makes me lose my breath and my chest feels really weird,” Daehwi’s vexation suddenly morphed into fondness as he listened to Jinyoung stumbling on his words while explaining.
‘He really is a kid’ Daehwi thought.
“So if I did that to you, wouldn’t you feel the same?” It was adorable how Jinyoung thought that a simple kiss would be lethal (Maybe it would be, but who knows really?). His gaze was fixated on his lap, head tilted down and Daehwi could see the slight tint of pink on his cheeks. “I want to keep you longer, Hwi” His voice was low and somber.
So, that’s what it was.
The choice of acting upon Jinyoung’s feelings was both a regret and a joy for Daehwi. It would have also been okay if he were to ignore it, keep his feelings in as well to make it easier for them to stay as best friends rather than have Jinyoung hurt more. A love deeper than friendship between the two of them was a left turn on the high way leading to nowhere fast.
And maybe it was selfish of Daehwi to inflict this pain upon Jinyoung, knowing he was going to have the harder end of the deal.
But right now, Jinyoung equated to happiness- the kind of happiness that was worth more than his plaguing inhibitions.
“So you don’t want to kiss me?” He liked playing coy whenever Jinyoung was acting this way. His innocence was undeniably endearing.
“Of course I do! I just-“ Daehwi cuts him off and plants a soft kiss on his lips. It was innocent, their lips just crashed against each other but his heart was still beating fast from it; maybe it wasn’t good for him after all. But it was like every fiber of his being was on fire, his senses all hazy and Jinyoung was the only thing that made sense. Once they parted, Jinyoung’s cheeks grew a darker shade and Daehwi himself was rendered speechless.
It was their first kiss.
Daehwi placed a hand on his chest, feeling the fast pace of his heart. He was okay. He was going to be okay. It felt nice.
Snapping out of his astonished daze, he quickly grew frantic, “Daehwi, are you okay? Shit, I knew this was a bad idea. Do you need me to call your mom?” Daehwi placed both of his hands on both sides of Jinyoung’s face to grab his attention again. Jinyoung was quick to worry and with good reason. But he was fine. They were fine.
“I’m okay. Look,” Daehwi took a deep breath and gave him a reassuring look. “I’m fine, okay hyung? You don’t have to worry about me.”
Eventually, Jinyoung calmed down.
There was a short silence lingering between them, the television playing the ending credits of the movie as they went back to their initial position with Jinyoung sitting a few spaces away. Daehwi noticed a hint of a smile on Jinyoung’s lips, he couldn’t help but do the same. “I’ll go bring the dishes in the kitchen. Be right back," and left as quickly as he could.
That night, they didn’t really talk about the whole thing. They proceeded to their usual banter, usual conversations with the kiss buried at the back of their minds. Right now, maybe putting a naming what both of them were didn’t matter. As long as Jinyoung was right beside him and felt the same way, what they had, as vague as it maybe, was enough.
On the day of his last birthday, Daehwi had two candles on his cake- the two-digit number of his age. He’s lived long enough to be seventeen, he thought. His wishes may have grown more simple but even that was harder to fulfill.
Two candles could hopefully grant two wishes.
Wishful thinking but it didn’t hurt to try.
Please take care of my mom and dad once I’m gone.
Just please give me a bit more time with Jinyoung hyung.
Eloquent (adj.)
: fluent or persuasive in speaking or writing: an eloquent speech.
On the night of his birthday, Jinyoung decided to sleep another night in Daehwi’s home. Jinyoung’s parents were always open to the idea so as long as Jinyoung doesn’t overstay his welcome. The morning Daehwi woke up, Jinyoung had already left since he had school that day. By his bedside, he noticed an unwrapped present with a written sticky note in Jinyoung’s messy handwriting.
“Happy Birthday, Daehwi
abstraction
aloof
awhile
barfly
basis
better
breathtaking
catalyst
catharsis
caveat
daunting
dumbfounded
juxtaposition
kinetic
placid
posterity
punctuate
stanchion
vagary
yearning
The other words are either too explicit or too sad. Just go through these. I hope you like it.”
Daehwi flips the stick note to take a look at the title of the book. Lover’s Dictionary
The smile on his face was way too wide, one he didn’t expect he’d get to have so early in the morning. Daehwi reads books every now and then, Jinyoung too. They’d share every now and then but they weren’t avid readers at all. Luckily, Jinyoung knew him all to well to give him something digestible, a book with minimal sentences but enough to leave an impact.
He spent the rest of the day reading the book and highlighted the words written on Jinyoung’s list.
Retrograde (n.)
: directed or moving backward: a retrograde flow.
“If I could go back in time, I’d tell my mom I wouldn’t want to be friends with you,” Daehwi told Jinyoung one Saturday afternoon when they stayed inside Daehwi’s home while his parents were out doing errands.
“Why?” There was obvious hurt in Jinyoung’s voice.
“So I wouldn’t have to hurt you this way,” Daehwi replied.
“I’d rather we have these moments of happiness before you’re taken away rather than not experience them at all.”
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Deep inside, you really are a hopeless romantic, aren’t you hyung?”
“I’ve loved you long and enough to know how impossible it is to imagine my life without you.”
In the silence of the living room as they lay on the soft carpet, Daehwi closed his eyes, let the cool temperature of the air-conditioned room bring him to sleep as he rolled to the side and hugged Jinyoung close to him.
The older boy wrapped his arms around him as well, holding on to each other as if it was the last time they had a chance to do so.
If only I could give you the happiness you so rightfully deserve.
Permanence (n.)
: the state or quality of lasting or remaining unchanged indefinitely
Having a tattoo was just one of the things Daehwi wanted to do once he reached the age of twenty. There were designs he liked all planned out saved on it his phone. Most of them were beautifully written calligraphy of encouraging words or sentences. It was usually the the cliche ones: hope, move forward, keep going, beautiful. Sometimes, he would try scribbling them on paper, practicing it on the blank sheet before marking his own skin with temporary ink.
“Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you”
1 Peter 5:7
He scribbled the passage on his arm with a thin marker, the hand writing not as neat as he expected it to be. His family had made him practice faith and along the way he believed that there probably was a higher entity that was listening to him- to his prayers. There were times of doubt, thinking how could someone all-knowing and all-powerful bestow upon him the curse of having one foot close to the grave.
It was a question he asked his mother one night, during their stay at the hospital. He was ten years old at that time, losing count of how many times he had to be sent to the hospital just because of his chest pains.
“Mom, why am I this way?” Tears fell down his eyes. Fear. There was so much fear in him and he had to face the prospect of death at a very young age. His mother tried to remain strong amidst their circumstances. She too didn’t know why she was blessed with a son only for him to be taken away so early.
“Baby, it’s hard but” she paused, pondering on the right words to say to her ailing son. “I truly want to believe that He has a purpose for this. Always know that no matter what you have, no matter what you are facing, mommy will always be here to fight with you. I love you, Daehwi” Her voice was quivering that time, trying to keep up a strong front. She always did.
She had been his pillar ever since, holding his hand tight for every painful shot, every bad news and every good ones. He might have had it rough but he was grateful enough that the heavens were merciful enough to give him a mother as strong-willed and compassionate as his.
His mother entered the room, a smile formed on her lips as she sees the verse written on his skin. She held onto her faith like an armor and felt happy that her son also had it with him too for comfort. Pressing her son close, she kissed Daehwi’s forehead and smiled. “No matter what happens, you are the bravest person I know, Daehwi,” she said.
He wanted to say that the brave one was her. His mother was definitely the rock that kept him together all these years. The person who believed in him the most. These two words were not enough to tell him how much she meant to him— how he couldn’t have held on without her help. But they were the only ones he could say, “Thanks, mom. I love you”
“I love you too, sweetheart”
Evanescent (adj.)
: vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time.
Daehwi never imagined that his first date would be in a comic book convention where he’d see people in different costumes, bringing to life the characters he would only see in movie screens. Evidently, Jinyoung was the one who was the most enthusiastic about it, seeing as he’s been talking about it for weeks. He would take pictures of every person who looked cool in their costume or rather, he’d ask Daehwi to communicate to the person for him then they’d take a picture. There was so much childish wonder in Jinyoung’s eyes as he goes around and gushes about each and every character he’d spot that Daehwi couldn’t even complain. Of course, his ideal place would be some nice coffee shop or a fun amusement park but maybe going for something unique wasn’t so bad either.
They went through stalls that sold superhero merchandise, rows of colorful comic books and action figures that stood tall on the back corner of the table. Daehwi could sense the excitement quivering in Jinyoung’s bones seeing all his favorites in abundance.
Later on, they leave the convention with Jinyoung holding a paper bag stacked with comic books and Daehwi hugging a stuffed toy of Iron Man. They still had time before Daehwi’s curfew and decided to rest in the park near the Han river. People were scattered everywhere from families to friends to lovers, the area was lively. There was so much life in the peak of the afternoon, the sounds of children playing around and music in the air as everyone jammed to the beat of their favorite song. He wondered if moments of simple joys like these were built to last.
“You’ve been really quiet since we’ve left the convention,” Jinyoung told him.
“Yeah,” Daehwi replied wistfully.
“Was it bad?” There was worry in Jinyoung’s previously twinkling eyes. The joy he experience a few minutes before slowly dissipated and turned somber. If only Daehwi could bring back that happiness back.
If only he wasn’t seeing double and turning nauseous, the day would have been perfect. He would have kissed Jinyoung again and thanked him for the date. The day would end with him hugging his new plushie close and thought of Jinyoung before he went to bed.
But sometimes, fate isn’t so kind and the last thing he sees is the faded image of Jinyoung as his frantic cries become a mumbled echo as everything turned black.
Lachrymose (adj.)
: tearful or given to weeping
Daehwi hated how Jinyoung blamed himself for what happened. He breathed, tried conjuring up words to scold him with but his heaving chest and lack of air was preventing him from doing it. It wasn’t Jinyoung’s fault at all. The last thing he wanted was to have one of the happiest days of his life reduced to a bad memory.
He silently prayed for a chance to tell Jinyoung about it later.
Grace (n.)
: unmerited divine assistance given humans
Jinyoung’s sobs are long gone and now he listened to his parents praying. They recite their prayers over and over again, he’s memorized each and every word of it. He says it with him in his mind too, again and again until his world turned pitch black once more.
He wakes up next to Jinyoung the next day, the boy sleeping soundly beside him with his mother lying down on the sofa bed at the corner of the room. His chest felt a little better but he still felt a little weak. Slowly, he lifted his hand up to place it on top of Jinyoung’s head, stroking the boy’s unkempt hair. How long has it been since he’s passed out?
Jinyoung woke up from the light touch, tilting his head up to look at Daehwi.
“It’s not your fault,” Daehwi managed to say. “It’s not your fault, okay?”
“Okay,” Jinyoung nodded. “Can you stay with me a little longer?”
“I’ll do my best. It’s actually a miracle I lasted this long. Well, long enough to actually see the day I can tell you that I love you,” he managed to smile.
And by grace, Jinyoung managed to smile too, “I love you too, Hwi.”