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The glinting of Adam’s eyes reflecting the candlelight matches that of the knife in his hands, both of which are currently pointed directly at Logan. Julian hated himself more than ever in that moment, watching as the panic rose to Logan’s face as the knife inched closer to his throat. Adam was still babbling on, nonsense Julian had decided he didn’t want to hear any longer. He was speaking the truth after all, and Julian didn’t need another voice in his head pointing out his past mistakes.
Julian glanced around himself, at his friends and the mess of the room they were in. The candles were burning fiercely; hot wax rapidly descending to the floor around them. Reed still lay motionless, his head resting carefully in Kurt’s lap as he frantically tried to keep Reed’s curls from sticking to his bloodied scalp. Kurt himself was a mess, face shining with both tears and sweat – it was hot in there – his injured leg stretched out in front of them both. Blaine sat nearby, hunched over as he uselessly tried to stop the blood spurting from his shoulder. And Logan…
Julian regrettably dragged his gaze back to where Adam had Logan on his knees before him, a fist wound in his blonde hair to keep his head up and allow perfect access to Logan’s vulnerable throat. Julian knew this whole thing was his fault, knew that he would have to use every last ounce of his strength to get his friends out of this – physical, mental and emotional strength. Even though Blaine and Logan hadn’t been directly brought to the art hall by Adam himself, the moment they had come bursting into the room Julian knew he wouldn’t be leaving with them at the end of this.
The blade finally made contact with Logan’s skin, and he yelped in surprise as Adam dragged it across his collarbone, as if to show them both he was capable of following through on his threats. The sight of blood leaving scarlet trails on Logan’s perfect skin was enough to make his decision final.
“Wait!” he shouted, hating how pleading his voice sounded, “Wait. Adam…please don’t hurt him.” Julian looked at him straight in the eyes as he spoke, “What do you need me to do? I’ll do anything. Just…just don’t hurt them anymore.”
Adam considered him for a moment, and seemed to decide his words were genuine, “Leave with me. Now. I’ll tie them up so they don’t follow us, and we can leave. Both of us.”
Julian nodded, tried to ignore the tears springing to his eyes. He had figured that would be what Adam would want, but hearing him say it was different. “Alright. If I leave with you, no fighting…you’ll leave them alone? Won’t hurt them anymore?” he needed to be sure.
“Jules…no. Don’t.” Logan tried, but Julian shut him down before he could say anymore.
“Shut up Logan. Please, just shut up.”
“We can leave. They’ll stay here.” Adam smiled happily, making Julian feel sick to his core, “I won’t hurt them if it’s just you and I.”
Julian smiled bitterly at that, the motion seeming so inappropriate in this whole mess. “Thank you. That’s all I want. Can you…can you let Logan go now, please? He won’t fight back, I promise.” He looked intently at Logan as he spoke, eyes begging his friend to listen to his words.
Cautiously, and painfully slowly for Julian, Adam released his hold on Logan’s hair and allowed him to fall to the floor. Julian’s whole body sagged in relief as he rushed forward and to Logan’s side immediately. His quick movements seemed to startle Adam however, causing him to point the knife directly at Julian.
“Hey! What are you doing?” he demanded.
Ever grateful for his quick thinking, Julian improvised, “You said you wanted them tied up, right? I thought I could do him and you could do the others. Saves time? Gets us away quicker?” he hated the words as he spoke them.
Adam’s eyes softened however, obviously pleased at Julian’s suggestion, and handed him a length of rope that had been attached to this belt, “Make sure they’re tight.”
“Absolutely.” Julian agreed, sending an apologetic look back to Kurt and Blaine. Both boys looked at him with pained eyes, but to his surprise Blaine gave him a single, supportive nod before Adam headed toward them. The second he did, Julian was down and trying to hold Logan up so he could look into his eyes.
“Jules, what are you doing? You can’t go anywhere with him! He’s a psychopath!” Logan hissed, wondering if his friend had sustained a concussion at some point tonight and was talking nonsense.
Julian just shushed him and held Logan’s shoulders tightly, “Listen to me Lo. This is the only way. I need to go…” he cut himself off when his voice broke, his emotions coming over him quicker than he expected, “I need to go with him. And you need to get this lot help. So I’m going to tie these in a way I know you’ll be able to untie them, alright?”
“Julian, stop. This is ridiculous! You can’t go with him.” Logan ignored Julian, still determined to stop him from leaving. Funny how he’s always trying to stop me from leaving…
“Dammit Logan, for once in your life just listen to me! We don’t have time for this.” Julian snapped, pulling Logan’s hands in front of him and grasping onto them tightly, “I’ll tie them loose. And once we’re gone, you untie them and run for help, understand? I want you to promise me Logan, promise me you’ll get them help, and not come after me. Please?”
Logan looked at him as if he was crazy, but Julian could see the fight slowly dying in his eyes. It broke his heart to see, and he had to look away for fear of crying. He began working the rope around Logan’s wrists, leaving enough room for him to be able to wiggle out of when the moment came. A quick glance over his shoulder let him see that Reed had been dragged across the room and bound, and that Adam was struggling to get Blaine to the same place. He didn’t have much time…
“Alright you, I don’t have much time here, but I have to tell you something. In case this is…I just need you to know this.” Julian began. He took Logan’s face into his hands and looked deep into his green eyes, trying to memorise every last detail about them.
“Jules…no…please.” Logan pleaded, holding a steady gaze and searching for answers. Julian let what was left of his walls break away in that moment, intent on showing Logan every ounce of his soul as he prepared for his goodbye. The tears began to flow from both boys, but neither seemed to notice too much.
“This is important, Logan. I want you to remember this. And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner but…” here goes nothing, Larson, “I love you, Logan Wright. I love you so much it hurts. I have done since freshman year and god knows I probably always will. You are…you are incredible, Lo. So strong and brave and passionate. And all the things you hate about yourself, things you think are your weaknesses? Those are your best qualities.” He stopped for a shaky breath and rubbed his thumbs along Logan’s cheeks, wiping away some of the tears. Julian smiled softly at Logan, trying desperately to get across years’ worth of emotions in this single moment, “God I wish I’d told you sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
Logan laughed bitterly, shaking his head softly, “No, J, it should be me who is apologising.” He looked into Julian’s eyes, and Julian was surprised to see the full of regret, “I…I knew. I knew you loved me, J. And I…fuck…I didn’t say anything because I was too scared. Scared to lose you even though…even though I felt the same.” A sob broke from Logan’s lips and he let his head fall forward for a moment, trying to regain some sense of composure.
Julian looked at him in shock, wondering if he really had suffered a concussion and this whole thing was just a terrible hallucination. “You…you knew? How? And you didn’t say anything?”
Logan responded by sobbing even harder, but Julian pulled him close and decided now was not the time for useless questions like those. “I’m sorry Jules. I’m so sorry…” Logan cried hard against his shoulder. Julian shushed him and nodded bitterly. Behind him, Adam was finishing the restraints on Blaine. Time was running out…
“Hey.” Julian pulled Logan away so he could look into those beautiful eyes again. “I get it. No apology necessary. At least we know now, right?”
Logan raised his bound hands to Julian’s face, trying to caress his cheek but failing miserably, making Julian cry harder. He rested their foreheads together and held Logan’s hand tightly against his face, hoping to engrave the moment into his memory.
“Lo, if this is in fact goodbye…”
“It’s not.”
“…but if it is. This wasn’t your fault. There wasn’t anything you could have done. That’s all on me. I was stupid and didn’t ask for help when I needed it. But Lo, if you need help after this…who am I kidding, when you need help…please ask for it. Don’t let it eat you up.”
Julian sniffled a little, tried to steady himself, “We could have had it all, eh? If we hadn’t been so stubborn…” Julian laughed despite himself, the entire situation seeming so dam tragic now that he knew the real truth.
Behind them, Kurt sobbed hard against Blaine, feeling totally overwhelmed by watching their interaction, “This isn’t fair…they deserved a chance…” Blaine said nothing in response, watching the pair with silent tears rolling from his chin.
“Alright Julian, are you done? I just have to get a few things…” Adam asked suddenly, causing Logan to panic in Julian’s arms.
“No! Jules, no, I’m not ready. Please, please don’t go.” Logan pleaded, weakly gripping onto Julian’s shirt with his fingers.
Julian grabbed his face with both hands and made Logan look at him, “Yes you are. You can do this Logan. I am going to walk out that door and then you are going to go get this lot help, and then…what happens next I’m not sure, but you promise me you will get them help!”
Logan pressed closer to Julian’s touch, “I promise.”
Satisfied with his response, Julian sighed heavily, feeling the end approaching fast. One last thing…
“I love you, Logan Wright, and if I never see you again, I want you to never forget that. Never forget that…that you are my everything.”
Adam’s footsteps were approaching again. Do it while you still have the chance.
Without a second thought, Julian leaned in and kissed Logan’s lips. It wasn’t nearly as soft or cautious as he had imagined, but the love was there, and although it tasted salty and a little bitter, the meaning was true. He held Logan there for as long as he could, but still when he pulled back it felt too soon.
“Julian…”
“Logan…”
“Julian! Let’s go! I have so much to show you.” Adam declared happily as he scooped Julian up from his knees in front of Logan all too easily. Logan tried to fight it, he really did, but Julian had tied his wrists in a way that meant he couldn’t get a decent grip on anything, let alone Julian’s hands as they were pulled away from him.
“Julian! No! don’t go! Oh god please don’t go…” Logan broke down as he watched both boys head for the door.
Julian turned in Adam’s arms and called back to him, “Remember your promise, Logan! Please!”
“Jules…I love you. I love you Julian.”
“I love you too Logan. Always.”
Defeated, Logan Wright crumpled to the ground as he watched as the love of his life Julian Larson was dragged from the art hall of Dalton Academy, not knowing if he would ever see him again. But a promise was a promise, and he never could break them. Instead of chasing after him like every instinct within his body was screaming at him to do, Logan struggled with his bonds as sob after sob wracked his body, only realising later that he had been babbling Julian’s name over and over.
We could have had it all…