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Ai hated sleeping.
Yes, it was a normal human habit, yet the tricks and visions his mind plays on him in the dreamscapes always leave a bad taste in his mouth.
Yet he couldn’t voice it to anyone. Not yet, anyway.
He was, after all, trapped under Shining Saotome’s orders. He was to do what he was told and say little without permission.
As if he were a machine.
He felt like one, some days. The way he would sometimes jerk instead of move his arm freely, or the way he would be forced to limp due to a problem in his hip. He was constantly being updated, upgraded, fixed… to the point that he hardly spent any time outside of lessons anywhere but the lab with his uncle’s voice worrying over him.
And yet worst all were the nightmares.
They weren’t even creations by his mind, but instead his head making him relive the worst moment in his life time and again. Hear the same silence, see the same rocks...
He hated it.
The thought always comes to him when he wakes from those nights that he should have died that day. It would have been easier on him. Perhaps on Reiji as well.
Reiji… his bandmate twice over now.
“Another night terror, Mikaze?” His uncle asked, coming into the lab. It was normal for Doctor Kisaragi to call him that, to remind himself of who he was. It was also normal for him to wake up in the middle of the night to work on something, sometimes to do work on Ai when he was unawares. Not that Ai minded, of course. If there was anything his uncle could improve on him, whether he knew of it immediately or not, he didn’t care.
Ai offered a nod, “the same thing again…” He confirmed in a soft voice when his uncle gave an inquisitive look.
Doctor Kisaragi sighed, which was another normal. “Unfortunately that is the one thing I cannot fix.” He said, giving Ai a sad smile, “hopefully one day it will no longer plague you.”
Ai recognized the expression his uncle turned away with. A smile that didn’t reach his eyes and furrowed brows that accentuated his wrinkles. The look of an old man mourning a loved one.
Ai felt like he was mourning too. Yes, his life was fine and he knew how to pace himself, but ultimately it wasn’t the life he had a complete memory of forging for himself. Ai Mikaze was only here because the original asset was lost. And his mind would not let him forget that, either.
Absently, he reached up and glided his fingers along his skin, just beside his right eye. It was faint, but he could feel the thin scars the lined his features, that tugged the corner of his eye a little bit more than on his left. It wasn’t noticeable unless you were looking for it, but Ai knew where every thread-like scar webbed to, where they stopped, and why they were there. He could almost feel the metal plating underneath. He didn’t mind it usually, but he was almost hyper aware of it at the moment, and it felt… wrong.
“Uncle…” Ai muttered, looking to Doctor Kisaragi for a moment. “I think I’m going to tell them.”
One thing he was appreciative was that his uncle was still able to read him, despite having changed so much. The old doctor looked surprised when he first turned around, before he saw that Ai was serious and had thought about it. Smiling, he reached for Ai’s hand, grasping it gently, “if you are sure you are ready to, then there is no one to stop you.”
Ai returned the smile, something that had grown progressively easier to do. “Thank you.”
When morning came around, he decided to text Reiji about picking him up, since he knew none of the other members of Quartet Night had anything to do until later in the evening. Ai had walked to a nearby restaurant, yet it wasn’t Reiji’s familiar car he was met with at the time he was told he’d be picked up, but instead a black and crimson motorbike and a familiar leather jacket.
“Are you coming? You said you needed a ride.” Said a voice he didn’t expect to be relaxed by.
An amused smirk rose to Ai’s lips, “since when did you get a bike?” He asked, casually getting on and putting on the helmet he was offered.
Ranmaru laughed, saying something about how it was a birthday present he’d been keeping secret before telling Ai to hold on tight. Ai laughed with him, slipping his arms naturally around the taller man’s waist and burying his face into his back the best he could. Ranmaru stiffened momentarily before relaxing again, not saying anything if Ai did something wrong.
It was a smooth ride from there back to the condo, the feel of the wind against his jacket completely different to that of the wind blowing his hair through a window. Soon enough, they had come back home and Ai finally got to see the face of who had picked him up, which again was not something he thought would allow him to relax.
“That was a nice ride, we should do that again sometime,” Ai commented, smiling as he removed his own helmet. He had to admit that he wasn’t actually sure if wrapping his arms around the silver-haired idol’s waist was what he was supposed to do, it was just something he had seen passengers, usually women, do when riding a motorbike. Still, Ranmaru didn’t say anything about it.
“Maybe we should,” Ranmaru replied, turning on his heel and heading up to the building, scratching at the back of his neck. “Oi! I got the kid!” Ranmaru announced, obnoxiously.
Ai wanted to interject, but instead sighed and followed him in.
“Welcome back, Ai-Ai! Are you feeling better?” Reiji asked enthusiastically.
Ai nodded, “a bit, but… I want to talk to all of you, since you’re all here.”
Reiji and Camus were looking over catalogs, perhaps for a project they were working on, and it was an interesting but not-as-rare sight to return to. Camus looked up to reply, setting the catalog down, “of course. It must be serious if you’re bringing it up so early in the day, and so soon after returning too.”
“That is because it is.” Ai confirmed, noticing that Ranmaru had already spread himself out on the couch parallel to the one Reiji and Camus were sat on. He debated briefly on whether to be equally obnoxious and move his legs (or maybe sit on them) or to just take a seat in the chair. Ultimately, the chair was a better bet for the topic at hand.
Now that he had their attention though, Ai’s confidence began to waver. He didn’t want them to look at him any differently, but he didn’t know how emotional Reiji would become with his confession.
Taking in a breath, Ai began simply. “A year and a half ago, I should have died.” Puzzled stares. “In a way, I did, but I wasn’t allowed to stay dead. So now, I am Ai Mikaze.” More confusion. Ai realized he probably wasn’t making much sense given the vague words he spoke. He worried his lip slightly. “My original name was Aine Kisaragi. But… Aine Kisaragi is dead. He died after being driven off of a cliff a year and a half ago.”
One thing Ai did not account for in choosing to let this out was how emotional it would make himself. He wasn’t showing much, but on the inside he was nearly having an anxiety attack, tears and all. Perhaps he would have been crying if his brain had recovered more before now.
Looking around during his pause, there was a mix of expressions. Reiji was in disbelief, yet the tears building in his eyes were expected. Camus had his brow furrowed, as though something was confirmed in his head but also contradicted. Ranmaru looked… almost unfazed.
Returning to himself he did his best to tell the story, at least what he remembered and was told of it.
“I was travelling to my uncle’s home, though his lab was more his home than his actual home. I’m still not sure what was happening on the road, though my uncle believes it was a drunk driver. I am plagued by the memory of that day still… and I always feel the pain, both in my heart and in my body.
“I had music playing in the car at the time, though what song I don’t think I’ll remember, and I hope I never do. But as the wheels left the pavement and the rocks and the water rushed ever closer, I could only manage an apology to my uncle, who I was on a call with at the time.
“All I actually remember is my body losing feeling, losing sound, sight… I barely remember when I first woke up after being put back together again. Uncle told me that most of the right side of my body had to be “replaced” or “reinforced” in order to work again. My shoulder was mechanical as was my hip and the right side of my ribcage. The rest of my body was intact, but it would take time to get my body to accept the new parts.
“You three remember, of course, how I was when I was able to move around on my own. My right hear would ring almost all of the time, causing my mental focus to be lost. My sense of reality was skewed to the point that I would hear things that weren’t there or not hear things that were there. I was see things too, I would wander in one direction thinking I was going another. It is a wonder how I managed to be independent at all in those days.
“Now though, I am used to the way my right ear hears differently than my left and how one eye sees more clearly than the other. The ringing is mostly gone but the memory still haunts me. Sometimes I can’t sleep because of it. I still feel the rocks slamming into my head and the world going black and mute all at once. I believe that that is what death feels like… a lonely world with no color, no thought, no existence…”
Ai had his arms wrapped around himself by the time he was done, almost whimpering as the darkness took hold of his mind. It was all he took not to cry out as it rushed into him, much harsher than in the dreamscape he was used to. Until it was gone, much more smoothly than it came, a warm hand made its way to his back and rubbed slow, small circles into his skin.
Looking up, Ai expected to see Reiji there, crying and restraining from embracing him as he once did without pause. Reiji was crying, a hand over his mouth and his eyes closed, but the hand on his back belonged to Ranmaru, casually resting on the arm of the chair (but also looked like he was restraining from doing something). Camus had been listening intently, and he looked almost worried, as though Ai might try to do something to himself if he be left alone with these memories but he slowly turned to Reiji, mimicking was Ranmaru was doing for Ai.
Ai took in a shaky breath, nodding and looking up at Ranmaru, “I think I am okay…” He said, but Ranmaru made no move to remove his hand.
“Thinking you’re alright won’t cut it. This is a pretty bad trauma. You should have told us sooner-”
Ai interrupted him with a shake of his head, “I-I couldn’t. I was u-under orders not to…” He took another breath, trying to easy the tension in himself. “I a-also couldn’t bring myself to… afraid that you all would react negatively…” He closed his eyes for a moment, and reopened them, smiling now, something bright and without hesitance. “But now I know I was worried for nothing, and I am… I am so glad that I have you three by my side now…” He wasn’t exactly sure how he had managed such an unreserved expression, but the soft flush that rose to Ranmaru’s cheeks was priceless as he finished his thought.
“Whatever you need, Ai. Quartet Night is a team now after all, and teams don’t stay together without acceptance.” Ranmaru said, huffing and reaching up with his free hand to ruffle Ai’s hair.
Ai wasn’t sure what he was feeling in that moment, but it was warm and it was welcome. He closed his eyes and focused on Ranmaru’s hand on his back, relaxing into the comforting touch with a soft sigh.
Maybe Ai could get past his nightmares. Maybe one day he could look at “Aine Kisaragi” and not feel an ache of what had been.
One day, he could live.