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Something so trivial shouldn’t be allowed to make Jihoon drown in his thoughts until three in the morning.
I mean, it’s just Soonyoung.
Soonyoung, his bandmate. Soonyoung, the person he works with. Soonyoung, his close friend of seven years. Soonyoung, one of the people always there with him— by his side, as they achieve their dreams together.
It’s just Soonyoung, right?
And yet, that’s exactly the point. This is Soonyoung he’s talking about.
This is not how Jihoon’s night was supposed to go at all. It should have been filled with work! Productivity, songwrting, and beat-tampering. Not something as ridiculous as him. Not his smile, his laugh, the way his touch lingers, the way he locks eyes with Jihoon.
No, no, this was pretty bad.
He slumps down into his office chair in misery, frustratedly kicking his short legs up into the air. What is he fucking doing? Why can’t he focus? This is nothing like his usual self. What is this familiar feeli—
—Four raps sound on his door. The first two are the normal speed knocks are supposed to be, and the second two come faster. That’s— that’s Soonyoung. He’s knocked too many times for Jihoon to not know. Fuck. At this hour?
Jihoon swallows away his panic. He does not want to have a conversation with Soonyoung at all. Let alone even face him. The door is unlocked anyway. Maybe if he just…
Soonyoung, on the other side of the door, furrows his eyebrows when Jihoon doesn’t allow him to enter, nor answer the door, by the second time he knocks. He tentatively turns the knob— it’s unlocked.
He chuckles. “Sorry for intruding.”
Soonyoung peeps his head inside, and finds Jihoon. Bent over his desk, the hood of his jacket pulled over his head, the side of his face resting on his arms. He’s asleep.
He takes a deep breath, before entering Jihoon’s studio, taking a few quiet steps closer to him. He pulls the hood down, staring at the other boy’s peaceful face. His eyelids, his cheeks, his slightly pursed lips. The way his body steadily rises and falls in accordance with his breathing at an interval of three seconds. He’s been watching long enough to count.
Unconsciously, Soonyoung finds himself reaching out to touch Jihoon. His hand lifts up, and it rests ever so gently above the latter’s head— without Soonyoung even realizing what he’s just done.
Jihoon stirs (pretends to, rather) and Soonyoung blinks, startled, suddenly aware of his actions. He withdraws his hand, shaking his head as an exhale escapes his mouth.
Jihoon waits until he hears the door open and close again, but he doesn’t hear it at all— he’s been waiting five whole minutes, damn it. Doesn’t Soonyoung have somewhere else to be? Isn’t he going back to the dorms and sleep? How come he’s just not fucking leaving? It’s not helping that Soonyoung really just touched his hair as he pretended to be asleep!
At once, as if like a miraculous coincidence, he recognizes the ringtone of Soonyoung’s phone indicating a call, and Jihoon takes this as a chance to ‘wake up’.
Soonyoung watches Jihoon fumble in his seat, his back facing Soonyoung. Jihoon slowly turns around, wiping at his eyes with the too-long sleeves of his hoodie, and widens his eyes (again, pretends to) upon seeing Soonyoung already looking right at him, sat on the couch behind him.
“Oh? Why are you here?”
Soonyoung perks up. “I— I, um— I’m sorry if the phone call woke you up.”
Jihoon laughs. “Ah, no, it’s alright. I… Have you been here long?”
“Oh, not really. Just a few minutes. I, uh— I wanted to check on you. I had hoped you had already went home, but it wouldn’t kill me to check, you know? And… You’re still here.”
Jihoon blinks. “Well, you’re still here.”
“I was waiting for you. I didn’t want to wake you up,” he mumbles.
For a moment, Jihoon forgets how to breathe.
They sit in silence for a few seconds, not breaking eye contact, that it should be awkward by now— but it isn’t. Jihoon looks away, turning back around and ‘busies’ himself with some files on the monitor in front of him.
Soonyoung’s breath hitches, and he buries his face in his hands— Jihoon isn’t looking, after all.
Jihoon sighs, his left fingers restlessly tapping on the mousepad, and his right clicking nervously on the mouse.
A paper bag is suddenly placed in front of his nose.
“And I brought some food.”
Now, Jihoon has always, always, liked Soonyoung. It’s not something he would regularly announce and remind to himself— but rather something that has just always been, well, there. He didn’t need to think about it. He didn’t need to acknowledge it. No matter what he did, it didn’t seem to go away, anyway. Even after years, now that Soonyoung is standing behind his seat, a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder, at ass o’clock in the morning in his studio, Jihoon looking back up at him— it still shouldn’t be allowed to make Jihoon’s insides melt into a mush of nothingness.
But, the thing is, Jihoon isn’t that oblivious. He’d seen all the ways Soonyoung had looked at him back then. During their trainee days. Before their debut. Their first promotion era. Sometimes, Jihoon just wants to bring all those days back. Or maybe he could run back in time— and just tell him how he felt then and there. Would things have changed? Would Soonyoung turn out to not have felt the same? Would they only keep those feelings between the two of them— a secret from the rest of the world? Would they even be unmoving in this still moment right now?
“Your eyes are telling me a thousand words in a language I can’t understand, Jihoonie. Tell me what’s on your mind.”
“...I don’t say this enough, but thank you for always being by my side, Soonyoung-ah. I truly appreciate that.”
Soonyoung stares at him, a little taken aback. “You don’t have to say it, you nerd. What’s with this sentimentality all of a sudden?”
Jihoon musters a small smile. “It’s nothing. I just… I just missed being like this. Alone, quiet, and calm, you know?”
“But you’re always like that!”
“You’re right,” he snorts. “Thanks for the food,” he says, turning the computer off, and standing up.
Jihoon likes the surprised look on Soonyoung’s face when he reaches up to ruffle the taller’s dark hair.
“Just like that. You check on me, you wait for me while I sleep, you bring me food. I don’t think I deserve such kindness. I can’t make up for it, you know?”
Soonyoung beams at him. “Don’t say that. In your eyes, you might see yourself that way. But you’re always nice to me! It says a lot.”
“...That’s cheesy.”
He just smiles even wider. “Sometimes I wish you’d talk to me more like this.”
Jihoon only hits him, gathering his things— deciding they should just go home together already.
And sometimes I wish I’d know if you do feel the same way as I do.