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The tall building’s sliding doors close with a swift woosh and Jihoon finally feels heat rushing to his face and to the tips of his fingers again. Thank God; they were going to fall off if he had to stay outside for another second.
Yet another cold winter.
Jihoon squints as he double checks the address on his phone at the lift lobby – he doesn’t want to embarrass himself by showing up at the wrong studio, as if he isn’t already embarrassed enough to do this.
“Fifth floor, Sir?” a deep and familiar voice catches Jihoon’s attention, and he already knows who it is even before he turns around.
That doesn’t stop him from doing so, though.
“Yeah,” Jihoon smiles, keeping his phone back into his pocket. “What a coincidence.”
"It sure is."
Daniel grins as he gestures for Jihoon to step into the lift first, like the gentleman he always is. And Jihoon accepts it, eyes never leaving the other boy – or should he say, man, now. Jihoon narrows his eyes at the other occupant in the lift.
“You dyed your hair,” Jihoon finally breaks the silence.
Daniel lets out a laugh, which honestly feels kind of forced, like he’s supposed to say something that won’t make them feel awkward, yet won’t seem too intimate at the same time. Daniel shrugs his shoulders when Jihoon doesn’t say anything more, “Well, I guess people change, right?”
“Yeah,” Jihoon breathes out as the lift dings when they reach the fifth floor. He looks at Daniel, and in that split second, it’s almost like they’re being transported back to five years ago – with Jihoon donned in Daniel’s black hoodie, lying down on Daniel’s chest, with Daniel’s hand playing with Jihoon’s hair while waiting for their Xbox game to start loading.
“Let’s do this.”
“Oh, you two came together. That’s great!” a young lady with the nicest smile and curly long hair scurries up to them. Jihoon assumes she’s the producer. Daniel greets her with a tight smile.
“The set is ready and so are the crew,” she doesn’t even let them get a word in. “You guys know what to do, right?”
“Talk about our miserable and failed love story to the entire internet?” Daniel raises his eyebrows, “Yeah, I guess.”
Jihoon just chuckle and shakes his head at Daniel’s feeble attempt at making a joke. He would’ve never guessed that chirpy, friendly Kang Daniel would be one to use sarcasm at someone he’s just met; because that’s Jihoon’s job.
But people change, right?
“We’ll do the first take of you guys walking into frame,” the producer calls out from off set. “Just be natural, do whatever you want.”
Jihoon nods, and Daniel holds up an “okay” sign with his right hand.
“Action!” Jihoon hears a male’s voice yell, and starts to walk to the table that has been set up in the middle of the mainly plain, white set. He feels like he should keep his eyes on Daniel, who is walking in from the opposite end, but somehow, his eyes flicker down and he doesn’t look up until his butt touches the chair and finds that Daniel is already sitting down, waiting for him to say something.
For a moment, the words don’t come out.
The bravado from the lift incident and introduction to the producer is all but.
Jihoon opens his mouth to say something, anything. Daniel just stares at Jihoon, wondering how the hell he should phrase his first words just so that his voice doesn’t crack or he doesn’t embarrass himself in front of the camera, and Jihoon.
Just a “hi” or a nice “hello, ex-boyfriend also known as someone I was so fucking in love with. It’s nice to see you again” would suffice.
The crew says nothing, even the producer keeps silent, giving both of them time to think through exactly what they want to say.
Finally, Daniel smiles, “Who would have thought, huh? Us – doing this.”
Jihoon finds his head nodding along instinctively, “Yeah. Not me, that’s for sure.”
“Alright,” the producer jumps in to cut them off, much to both of their relief. “How about you introduce yourselves first before starting on the questions?”
Jihoon starts first, looking at the camera, then realising he shouldn’t be, then back at Daniel. He catches Daniel’s eyes, and they both start giggling – maybe out of awkwardness and embarrassment.
“I’m Jihoon.”
Daniel manages to at least introduce himself through his giggles.
“And I’m Daniel.”
And then Daniel starts laughing, until he can’t form another word, and Jihoon has to take over.
“We used to date,” Jihoon explains. “I mean uh- yeah. For four years. That’s why we’re here. Playing this drinking game thing.”
The producer gestures for them to start by pouring themselves a drink.
Drinking – they both know has never been Jihoon’s forte or hobby. It’s definitely more of Daniel’s. With the way that boy used to drink in their college days, it’s a wonder his liver is still functioning perfectly normally now.
“One for the road?” Daniel uncaps the bottle nearest to him.
The bottles aren’t branded, but the colour inside is a lemon-ish yellow, not as foreboding as Jihoon thought taking alcohol would be. Jihoon nods, and Daniel helps him fill up his shot-cup.
“On three?” Daniel holds up his cup. “You count.”
“Three,” Jihoon replies immediately, before downing the liquid.
Daniel follows suit, knowing the other boy never likes to prolong his suffering.
Their throats burn, but only Daniel is used to it. He makes a noise that Jihoon can only infer he enjoys the alcohol, whiskey, or vodka, whatever. Jihoon makes a face, and when he scrunches his eyebrows together in disgust, Daniel just laughs again.
“I’ll go first,” Daniel says, already eager to start on this game. Jihoon nods, waiting with bated breath as Daniel picks up the first card from the deck in the middle of the table.
“How did we meet?”
Daniel leans back on his chair, already grinning from the idea of how he’s going to tell this story, and Jihoon knows; because they’ve told this story to so many different people so many times. Daniel opens his mouth, and Jihoon interrupts.
“Can’t this be my question?” Jihoon pleads at Daniel.
“No,” Daniel rejects his request, obviously enjoying how Jihoon is already squirming in his seat.
The producer speaks up, “Why? Is there something you want to say, Jihoon?”
“It’s not that,” Jihoon’s cheeks blush with the faintest red. He side-eyes Daniel, “He just… tells the story wrong every time.”
Daniel crosses his arms, “Alright, you can tell your side of the story first. And then I’ll tell mine. And the rest of you can be the judge, alright?”
Silence from the crew is consent, and Jihoon suddenly feels that all the eyes in the room are on him again. He half contemplates taking a shot to get out of this question because it is a little embarrassing, then remembers this is Daniel’s question so he doesn’t have a choice.
Daniel watches as Jihoon thinks hard, wondering how the story is going to change now, how different the story will be five years after.
“Well…” Jihoon smiles as he remembers the fateful day. “I was in my dorm room. I was a freshman in college, and my roommate happened to know him.”
Jihoon gestures to Daniel, who nods in agreement. So far, the facts are straight.
“I was trying to study for a test in my room,” Jihoon relates. “And my roommate had brought Daniel over to play some video games. And they were being really, really, loud.”
Daniel jumps in, “Hey, don’t make me look bad! That was five years ago.”
Jihoon ignores him and continues the story, “Of course, I came out of my room, with three coffees and five reports to finish, and scolded my roommate and this disruptive guy. And Kang Daniel being Kang Daniel, I could tell he was whipped for me at first sight, even though I looked like I hadn’t slept in years.”
The crew erupts in laughter as Daniel starts to blush furiously.
“The rest is really history,” Jihoon smiles. “Just know that he was the one to fall first. That’s all.”
“That’s-“ Daniel begins, then falls defeatedly back into his chair. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“I did fall for you first. And for the record, I thought you looked just fine.”
It’s Jihoon’s turn next – and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a bit more confident about getting through this shoot now. The previous question had really loosened his nerves and broke some of the ice between Daniel and him.
“Ah,” Jihoon says as he picks up the next card. “This should be easy.”
“What do your family and friends think of me?”
“Easy-peasy,” Daniel agrees. “Seongwoo hyung loves you to bits, and so does Minhyun hyung.”
Daniel turns to the crew to explain, “We have quite a few mutual friends, and they were all really supportive of our relationship back then. It was great, I didn’t have to impress many of his friends.”
“What about your family?” Jihoon asks, not forgetting the latter part of the question. “Your mom?”
“Jihoon,” Daniel sighs. “You know she loves you. Absolutely adores you.”
Thing is, Jihoon does not expect himself to choke up at all. But when he remembers the few times he’s met Daniel’s mother – he remembers nothing but being showered the same amount of warmth and love that her son exhibits. She’s raised a great son, and Jihoon is thankful to have known such a wonderful woman in his lifetime.
“How is she?” Jihoon asks, his voice faltering.
Daniel’s heart softens, thinking about how he tells his mother everything – yet he hadn’t told his mother that he was going to shoot this with Jihoon. More than himself, he doesn’t want to hurt her by talking about the other boy again.
“Same old,” Daniel shrugs. “Still making me do push-ups every day.”
Jihoon laughs, recalling all the times Daniel’s mother has praised her son’s Pacific Ocean wide shoulders, and rightfully so, if he might add.
“I want to know about your parents though,” Daniel leans forward, curious. “What did they really think of me?”
“They thought you were a fuckboy.”
Daniel slams his fist down on the table playfully, “I knew it!”
Jihoon puts the card onto the side, replying, “They were cool after meeting you for the fourth time. I talked them into it, defended your honour and ego and all.”
“Thanks,” Daniel grins, holding out his fist for Jihoon. Jihoon contemplates, then fist bumps the other man quickly before sliding back into his seat.
“What do you miss most about us?”
Daniel puts down the card in his hand, and knows he’s hit a raw nerve with Jihoon.
“Wow,” Jihoon breathes out after a long silence. “This got real fast.”
Daniel just waits.
“Well,” Jihoon plays with his fingers. “I miss a lot of things. That’s the thing, isn’t it? You take everything for granted, you don’t know how important the little things can be, until you lose them.”
Daniel nods, gaze not on Jihoon anymore.
“Most of all, I think I just miss having you around,” Jihoon says. “The privilege of having someone that will listen to whatever you want to say, whenever and wherever? I think I miss that the most.”
“Nice,” Daniel says, because he doesn’t know what else he should say to counter that.
“I’ll drink to that,” Daniel decides, pouring himself a cup, then looks at Jihoon, “Want one?”
“Yeah,” Jihoon holds out his cup. “Can’t let you drink alone, can I?”
They gulp down the drink together and this time, Jihoon still grimaces but he recovers quicker than before.
As he’d said; the little things.
“Did you ever cheat on me?” Jihoon’s breath hitches as he reads the next one out loud. “And if you did, why?”
“No, never.”
Daniel answers as soon as Jihoon finishes reading the question.
Jihoon smiles at the camera while flipping the card over and placing it into the finished deck, “That’s that.”
“No questions asked?” the producer prompts.
“Nope,” Jihoon shakes his head decisively. “He’s not that kind of person.”
“I’m not,” Daniel agrees. “Though I must say Jihoon himself has cheated quite a few times.”
Jihoon’s eyes grow wide in confusion as the crew gasps in shock.
“On Mario Kart?” Daniel offers the most important information to them at the very last second.
“You asshole!” Jihoon sighs in relief. “I was about to beat you up on camera for slandering me like that!”
Daniel holds his hands up in defence, as if Jihoon is really going to get up from his chair anytime and slaughter him in front of the internet. Jihoon finally calms down as the crew’s laughter dies out.
“For the record, I have never cheated,” Jihoon says. “Especially on Mario Kart.”
“Right,” Daniel rolls his eyes as he picks up the next card. “I was just magically the shittiest player on earth when it came to playing with you.”
“No need to beat yourself up over losing to Princess Peach, babe.”
“I picked Mario! How the hell can Mario lose in Mario Kart?”
“Am I a better lover than who you are with now?”
Daniel wishes he doesn’t have to hear the answer. He doesn’t even want to know if Jihoon is seeing anyone right now.
He’s pathetic. He’s convinced himself and everyone that he’s finally over Jihoon – yet he doesn’t have the courage to listen to Jihoon’s answer.
“I’m not seeing anyone at the moment,” Jihoon says, then pauses.
And Daniel knows that something is up.
“But I was, for a little while,” Jihoon continues. He contemplates over his next words for almost half a minute.
“But yes. You were better, much better.”
Daniel smiles, and wonder if it’s genuine or it’s just his instincts telling him to smile and be brave.
“I mean, I lasted two months with that guy. We lasted four years. That should say something.”
Yes, it does say something. Yet, it doesn’t say what Daniel really wants to hear.
“What did you like best and least about me?”
“What do you want to hear first?” Daniel asks Jihoon.
To be frank, Jihoon only wants to hear one. But he’s here, he’s agreed to the game, so he’s going to follow the rules, even if it means hurting himself a little.
“Least favourite,” Jihoon decides.
Daniel knows that Jihoon always puts up a strong front. He doesn’t say anything about Jihoon’s choice, and instead, speaks his mind.
“I just,” the words are suddenly hard to form. “I know you liked me, a lot. I just couldn’t feel it sometimes, you know? And I know it’s harsh, because I know how hard it is for you to express yourself, but I just didn’t feel loved sometimes.”
Jihoon’s heart falls.
“I love-“ Jihoon stops, then corrects himself. “I loved you. And, I’m sorry for that.”
“Yeah,” Daniel nods. “And for the best thing… too many.”
Jihoon looks at the camera, “I told you guys, whipped.”
“Fine,” Daniel sighs among the cheerful laughter, happy that the mood is somehow lifted again. “My favourite thing about you, is you.”
Jihoon scrunches his noise, “Ew, Kang Daniel. Just say you hate me and go.”
Daniel ignores the jab Jihoon takes at him.
“You… were perfect for me. I just felt that you fit perfectly into my life, like you were meant to be there from the start. I didn’t know what I was missing till I met you. If you ask me to name my favourite thing – there really are too many. The way your eyes crinkle and look at me when you laugh, the way you cheat in Mario Kart, which I know you do, and even the way you let me be there for you when I know how much you hate people prying into your business. So yeah, what I like best about you, is that you’re Park Jihoon.”
“Oh, I think I’m going to drink to this one,” Daniel says.
He begins to put the card down, until Jihoon grabs his wrist to stop him.
“I want to know the question,” Jihoon says.
“No,” Daniel retorts, holding the card in his hand while he unscrews the bottle cap.
“Come on,” Jihoon urges.
And even after such a long time apart, Daniel still can’t say no to Jihoon.
“Fine,” Daniel grumbles.
“Would you go out with me again?”
Jihoon lets go of his wrist, and Daniel almost instinctively grabs his hand. Luckily, his brain cells function just then to tell him to stop.
“Oh,” Jihoon’s eyes flicker with something, Daniel can’t figure it out anymore. “Yeah, let’s drink to that.”
“You don’t have to,” Daniel says. “It’s my question.”
“Come on,” Jihoon urges, already grabbing the bottle of alcohol and pouring himself a cup, then tips the bottle over to Daniel. Daniel just sighs, knowing there is no way he can convince Jihoon otherwise.
The other boy has already started to flush – Jihoon has never been the best at taking his alcohol. Daniel could go on for days about how red Jihoon’s cheeks would turn by 9pm at a college party, while Daniel himself could probably keep going, perfectly sober, till past midnight.
Maybe the alcohol is clouding Jihoon’s judgement, but it doesn’t change the fact that he does not want to hear the answer to this question; if it were his.
He wonders if he thinks the same way as Daniel.
“Yes,” Jihoon would say to Daniel, if he had asked the question instead of giving up.
Yes, I would turn back time, live through every single minute, even if I knew we wouldn’t end up together, just to be with you again.
“How did you get over me?”
One, Daniel realises, is that this question is flawed. It is phrased in such a way that assumes that both parties have gotten over each other, when in fact, he knows he has never been completely over Park Jihoon.
Jihoon puts down the card, and raises his eyes expectantly at Daniel.
“Wow,” Daniel says after a long pause.
Two, he’s very embarrassed about the things he’s about to say to Jihoon, and practically the entire online audience.
“I cried, duh,” Daniel shrugs it off.
“How long?” Jihoon challenges. “Because if it was for a few days, I would be very disappointed.”
“Sadist,” Daniel snaps back, but with no menace. He ponders over the question, then decides on, “Probably two weeks. You might have to check with Seongwoo or Minhyun hyung on this, I try my best not to remember anything about that week.”
Jihoon nods his head, he understands. He was hurting too.
“What about you?” Daniel asks.
It’s not Jihoon’s obligation to answer Daniel, but he feels like this has somehow turned from a game their friends had signed them up for into this heartfelt conversation they never had the privilege to have a year ago.
“I… cried of course. And tried many different ways to forget you.”
“Like what?” the producer prompts from off-set, and Jihoon remembers that he and Daniel are not alone.
“I went to a lot of clubs,” Jihoon admits, and he thinks he hears Daniel’s breath hitch a little, but doesn’t try to get his hopes up, not at all. “Didn’t work. I went on some blind dates, tried to meet new people, but I never texted them back after the first date.”
“Okay, for the record, you were a bad texter,” Daniel jumps in at the right time to save the mood from plunging down, because Jihoon can feel an icy chill in the air. He smiles at Daniel as a form of gratitude, and Daniel adds, “It’s okay, I accepted that about you.”
“I know,” Jihoon says. “Eventually, I just tried to lead the same life as I did when I had you. I did the same things, watch movies, play computer games, ordered fried chicken, and studied till I fell asleep on the desk – but alone this time. It helped me heal a little, knowing I could get on with life even without you, as much as it hurt.”
Jihoon stops talking then, because he knows for a fact that if he continues to speak, he’s going to break down.
“When did you know our relationship was over?”
Daniel hesitates before answering, but finally starts to talk, “There was never a time I felt that we were definitely going to break up. But I think I felt the most insecure about us when I graduated from college. We were talking, but it didn’t feel the same. We grew apart, and fought a lot more.”
Jihoon nods to the camera, acknowledging every word that Daniel says.
“We used to talk after fighting,” Jihoon says. “After he graduated, we kind of swept our problems under the rug and pretended the fights never happened.”
“What did you fight about?” the producer asks.
Daniel replies, “So many things. Friends, family, education, every little thing under the world, we probably found a chance to fight about it.”
“Everyone used to say we were so different,” Jihoon adds. “That our personalities clashed like fire and water. I think I never understood how different we were until then.”
Daniel hums in response.
The producer exchanges glances with someone they both can’t see, then says, “But even then, you held on for another two more years.”
“We loved each other,” Jihoon looks down at his empty cup. “Through the good and bad.”
“Last question,” Jihoon says in a sing-song voice that Daniel still smiles at.
“No drinking,” Daniel warns.
“Fine,” Jihoon says, lifting up the last card.
“Do you still love me?”
Jihoon’s heart drops when he finishes reading out the very last card on the table. Not because of the question, but because it’s the very last question. They’ve been sitting here for thirty, maybe forty minutes, but the time feels so short.
It’s been a while since Daniel has felt like this – the feeling of not wanting to let someone go just yet. About a year ago, he’d completely thrown in the white towel in their relationship, and let it go. Yet, now, something familiar in him in stirring again.
“Yes.”
Daniel lets Jihoon take his answer in first, then starts to explain. He pours out his hidden feelings, none that he has spoken to about his friends, yet is willing to tell Jihoon (and the internet) now.
Finally, he thinks, he is ready.
“I will always love you,” Daniel says. “I could never unlove you. I could never get rid of all the memories you’ve left me with. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for letting go of you. You deserved a lot more than someone who would let you walk away because of some stupid argument I can’t even remember what of now. So, yes. My answer is yes, I still love you.”
Jihoon doesn’t know why he doesn’t expect Daniel to say it any other way. In all the times that they’ve had a heart to heart talk with each other, the other boy has always poured out his real, raw feelings to him. He’s never hidden anything from Jihoon, not until Jihoon went to ruin it for them anyway.
“And Jihoon?” the producer prompts. “I know it’s your question, but if you’re comfortable with answering-“
“Yes, I still love him.”
Jihoon doesn’t wait for second chances.
“I could see myself living with you for the rest of my life,” Jihoon confesses. “It’s pretty hard to not still love someone you once felt that way with. You were my best friend, and you were my best boyfriend. I still love you, and wish nothing but happiness for you.”
Daniel feels his heart clench at those words. He blinks back his tears and unscrews the bottle cap.
For the very last time.
“A toast to us?”
Jihoon thinks he can let go. Maybe. He still doesn’t know yet.
“Yeah, to us.”
The sound of their glass cup clinking together fill the studio, and their throats burn as they take their last shot of alcohol.
Together.