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“Tonight will be a huge pain in the ass,” Levi predicted as he sighed.
It was obvious, he thought. He noticed some of the soldiers would avoid his look when they pass through him, then murmuring after. Preparations were made for the past few weeks, where he caught the new trainees pathetically hiding huge bags behind their backs when they spot him. He was banned from going inside the ballroom as he could hear shouting curse words and falling objects from the inside. He also noticed the considerable lack and absence of cleaning materials whenever he needs them when he finds a stain at the hallways.
And the moment he woke up on December 25, the faces of his new squad were circled inches away from his face, grinning. They yelled ‘Happy Birthday, Heichou!’ that almost made his ears explode. He sat up, hissing. He also noticed that his room was covered with Christmas decorations that the brats would have done. They brought out a platter that served up gingerbread-shaped pancakes served with syrup, a few fruits, and brewed coffee that had too much coffee in it.
The next hours were plain boring— where his squad members were nowhere to be found after watching him eat his breakfast. He had no paperwork to work on, because Erwin didn't give anything for him to work on since last week. Cleaning was useless, because every inch of the hideout was spotless. He spent the rest of the day reading the book of the outside world that he confiscated from Eren and Armin.
Nighttime struck, as he was finished from reading the entire book. He stood up and was about to refill the coffee when he heard rustling from outside his office. He immediately tried to find his blades; and cursed to the fact that Erwin has taken his 3D maneuver gear for inspection, or so he says. He desperately tried to find for the knife that he was hiding in his office, but couldn’t find it.
Then, the door opened, revealing three mysterious figures with their red eyes shining. He backed out, trying to fight. In the end, he was cornered and was placed in a sack. He was hit in the head, making him unconscious.
When he regained his consciousness, he was sleeping on a couch on a small room. It was dark, and he was determined to go out and slaughter the bitch who placed him there. He also noticed that he was not wearing the usual military clothes. He was wearing a thick black coat that reaches up his knees with golden trims and buttons. Underneath, he had a navy blue vest and a white polo, with his signature white cravat present. He was wearing black slacks, and nice dress shoes. He was furious to anyone who undressed him and replaced his clothes with that kind of shit.
He found the door, and forcefully opened it, only to find out that the whole Survey Corps at the ballroom; with his squad mates, Commander Erwin and Squad Leader Hanji at the front. All yelled ‘Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Heichou!’ in an almost-unison manner, and started to sing the birthday song. Hanji sang the loudest, with her annoying eerie tone. His squad sang fine, while he had to hold his smile and laughter when he heard Erwin singing in such a monotonous tone. The rest of the Survey Corps sang loudly as well, with a few of who weren’t able to wait for the party and were early in taking in alcohol.
Once that they were done singing, he hastily went to Eren, and lifted him up by his collar, shocking everybody. Mikasa was about to lift her hand when Armin restricted her from doing anything.
“Where the hell are my clothes?” Levi demanded, his anger-filled eyes staring directly at Eren’s.
“S-sir, it’s in t-the… other room,” he responded, choking a few times.
“Get it,” he commanded, and dropped Eren.
Eren crawled away from the Corporal, and stood up, running outside to get Levi’s clothes.
The whole bunch was scared stiff, not until Hanji has screamed and told them to have a good time. The obedient soldiers from the Survey Corps turned into a bunch of drunkards and half-assed bitches who danced their hearts out on the dance floor.
He let out a sigh as he watched Hanji starting to form a Congo line.
He decided that he would just sit there in the corner, and wait for this whole shenanigan to end; and that hopefully, few or no one would come sit beside him and talk to him. He was hoping that once that most of them are tired or drunk, he would be able to slip away and just take his precious time on another book.
Levi simply drank casually his wine when Eren came back to the room. Levi signaled the young brunette to come to his direction.
“I-I’m sorry I took a while…” Eren said, still catching his breath.
“Never mind that,” Levi replied, taking his clothes from the young man’s hands. Eren stood stiff in front of him, eyeing for the Corporal’s next course of action.
“Don’t worry, Yeager. I won’t change clothes, even though this shit is just damn uncomfortable,” he said, and checked the pockets of his folded clothing. After fidgeting with it, he let out a small smile, which shocked Eren.
He was about to say something when Levi tossed the clothes on his face.
“Listen Yeager…” Levi started to say. “The next time you people are going to harass me on my sleep, I swear that I will make all of you suffer…”
“But sir, we didn’t harass—”
“Whatever suits your tits, Yeager. Now go and have fun with your other brats,” Levi said, waving his hand to go to the dance floor and dance shitless. Eren left the Corporal, his face flushed red.
After some time, Levi decided to go out. He excused himself to Commander Erwin because the ballroom was starting to smell like overdue pee coming from the alcohol. It was intolerable, he said; and that he would give a daunting punishment to the shits who could even chug them down to their throat, even if they were having a hangover. The better it would be, he said. He stood up from his seat and went out to the balcony, leaving a dumbfounded Erwin.
He took a deep breath from the outside the moment he stepped into the balcony. He relaxed his lungs and shoulders, taking in a few more breaths before he resumed his normal breathing. Fortunately, no one was there with him; for all of them were busy having a great time.
He looked around one more time, to make sure that no one was really there. He looked down and took out a light blue handkerchief from his pocket. It was the one object he that was his reason for panic a while ago where he demanded Eren where his clothes were and the thing he was finding on his old clothes. It was one of the three handkerchiefs that he would always bring wherever he goes and would never forget; but never uses it for cleaning. It was a smaller version of a ‘security blanket’, even long after they were gone.
Levi let out a faint smile as he caressed the gold-embroided letters that spelled out his name in pretty handwriting. He would hear a soft, high-pitched voice saying that she made it herself. He unfolded the handkerchief and caressed the soft material, its hems, and its beautiful handiwork.
He got that handkerchief one Christmas ago. A few weeks before the celebration, he would notice that one person from his squad would either be missing, or late. Every time that person would show up, she would always have new bandages on her hands. Whenever they were not killing titans, he would go out to town and see her in stalls of clothing and embroidery stores, asking questions to the salesperson as if she could kill to get information.
The morning of that Christmas day, his former squad pretty much did the same as his recent squad did. They decorated his room and made him breakfast in bed. The pancakes were shaped in the wings of freedom, the darker part filled with chunks of blueberry. The coffee was splendid, like how he wanted it done.
Gunther and Erd used party poppers, scattering glitters and confetti all around the room. Levi got mad with this, but he was able to suppress his anger, scheduling their punishment into a later date. Auruo gave him a new set of clothes— a white polo, a black blazer, black trousers and dress shoes. It was comfortable, yet he chose to let the blazer hang to his shoulders.
Then, they exchanged gifts. Erd, Gunther and Auruo gave a set of cleaning materials and ornaments in which he still uses to this very day. He couldn’t hold back and smile to these gifts. After that, it was her turn—
“Levi-heichou…” a female voice called out.
He turned around to see who was calling him. He found no one.
He couldn’t have. He knew the voice all too well; and he knew that she was gone.
“Calm your balls down, Levi,” he told to himself. “She’s gone now, remember?” He snickered.
That night, a tear fell down the Corporal’s cheek, being caught by the light blue handkerchief he held onto.
“Where is it now, Petra?” Levi said, crossing his legs, eyeing on the strawberry-blonde hair that served as curtains covering the girl’s face.
She looked up, revealing caramel-colored eyes. Those eyes have seen so much, yet they remained pure. “Well… I—”
She couldn’t say anything anymore. She looked down, while offering the gift that was on her hands. Levi simply took it, and slowly opened the small box. The girl looked up as she watched him open it with worried eyes.
Levi’s expression slightly changed when he saw what was inside.
It was a light blue handkerchief. It seemed embroided, and she made it herself. The stitching of the hems were slightly out-of-place, and he could notice some blots of blood on it that weren’t washed properly. Yet, he was truly amazed on the gold thread spelling out ‘Levi’ done on Petra’s sweet and pretty penmanship.
“One month ago, I was really thinking on what I should give you on your birthday. Since I didn’t make much money, I decided to make one myself. I was inspired on making a handkerchief when I stopped by an embroidery shop where this old lady made beautiful handicrafts. So, I decided that I would let her teach me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do as well as she can, but I hope you wouldn’t mind,” she explained as tears were starting to form on the corner of her eyes. “I’m sorry I can’t do any better, Heichou…”
Tears started to fall from her eyes, silencing the others. As she was about to wipe her tears with her hand, she felt soft clothing wiping it away.
“Seriously Petra…” Levi started to say, continuing to wipe her tears from her face. “You cry too much. Jesus Christ, can’t your New Year’s Resolution be ‘I won’t be a crybaby’ or something like that?”
“B-but…” Petra sniffed.
“For fuck’s sake, Petra, it’s damn Christmas. It’s my damn shitty birthday. Come on, stop crying…” he said, patting her back as she forced herself to stop crying.
After a few sniffs, she looked up him, letting out her signature sweet smile.
“Thank you, Levi.”
“Levi…” a voice called out.
“And Petra, I love your present…” he could hear himself say.
“Hey, Levi…”
She couldn’t hold on any longer. She guffawed and gave him a bear hug, making him fall into the ground.
“Levi!” Commander Erwin said in a loud voice, tapping the smaller man’s shoulder.
“Erwin! Didn’t anyone teach you to knock?” Levi snapped, immediately pocketing the handkerchief.
“Levi, this is the balcony. And you need to get back; Hanji wants you to be there…” Erwin said, placing his huge hands on his small back. Erwin started to practically drag Levi back inside
“Okay, what does shitty glasses want now?” Levi growled, crossing his arms, letting the Commander drag him.
“Don’t worry, Levi. You’ll see.” Levi swore that he saw the Commander let out a smirk.
“Fuck this…”
Levi and Erwin entered the ballroom. Levi noticed that it was quiet, but the collective stench of alcohol and spilled and wasted food was still there. The members were in a circle, where it had an opening to where they were standing. In the center of the circle were Hanji and a mountain of gifts.
Hanji let out a grin, and threw her fist in the air. She screamed in the microphone saying, “It’s time to open the gifts!” The rest of the Survey Corps followed and cheered.
Levi let out a sigh. He went inside the circle through the path, facepalming. He could hear the murmurs on he-doesn’t-want-to-know-or-care-about topics.
“Make sure that you brats would clean up the wrapper mess. I didn’t ask for this so you people should clean it,” Levi snapped and sat down on a highly-decorated chair that bore Levi’s name in glitters.
“Yes, sir!” everyone saluted jokingly, and laughed. Levi sighed. “Good enough. Now, let’s get this shit over with.”
“That’s the spirit, Levi~” Hanji sang as she threw her arm around his shoulder, making him smell the stench of chemicals, smoke, and wine.
“Fuck Hanji, take a fuckin’ bath for once…” Levi said, covering his nose.
“Yes, yes…” Hanji said, but didn’t even care about anything the birthday boy demanded. She made another pump fist into the air and said through the mic, “Okay people, let’s open our first gift!”
Levi let out another grieving sigh as Eren placed the previous gift aside and Hanji placed another new one on the table in front of him. So far, Levi hasn’t received any decent gifts this time— with a disgusting formulation of chemicals and cleaning liquids from Hanji, a picture frame from Erwin, a broom from Eren (but then, it didn’t work just as good so he threw it in the fire), a cravat from Mikasa, a gag horse mask from Jean (in which Levi placed in Jean so forcefully that Jean couldn’t pop it out of his head until Armin came back into the room with a pair of shears), a replica of a potato by Sasha, and all those worthless other things.
“Come on, so that we could get this over with…” Levi said, as he eyed on the small box that was right in front of him.
He took the box and placed it in his hand. The box was small; it was a little bigger than the palm of his hand. It was lightweight, and was only decorated with a blue ribbon. Levi undid the ribbon, and opened the lid of the box.
For the first time in history, Levi changed expressions in front of a crowd.
His eyes widened in shock, as he cleared out the newspaper trimmings inside the box in order to get the small clothing that was inside. Levi placed the box on the table, as both his hands took a hold of a bloodstained Scouting Legion badge.
“Diether, was it?” he said, and turned to a man with ginger blonde-colored hair. He was sitting at the back. The Corporal ordered the soldier to come closer.
“Y-yes, sir?” the soldier said, making the usual salute to his superior.
“You don’t need to be formal to me. It’s a holiday; thereby you’re not on duty. No shitty formalities needed,” Levi remarked.
“Ah, yes…” Diether replied, and placed his hands down to his sides.
Levi let out another sigh, and looked at the badge in his hand. “Why is this in the box? Isn’t this Ivan’s? Didn’t you shit about this, going back to titan territory when Erwin specifically said that we get our asses out of that place immediately?”
“Sir, I—” the soldier started to say, until he was cut off.
“No shit, you dumbass. Get this thing back before I skin you alive. So help me—”
“With all due respect, sir!” Diether shouted, making Levi stop. The whole room was silenced. “That badge is not Cadet Ivan’s but it’s Cadet Ral’s of the former Special Operations Squad!”
Levi was breathing furiously, looking at the man with eyes that could kill if he won’t shut up. The soldier took that chance.
“I realized it, when we were getting back to Trost that same day. Firstly, I thought that the Corporal was never near Ivan during the operations, for me and my squad were with him all the time. During the chase with the Titans, he couldn’t have had the chance to simply take his patch. I also noticed him fidgeting with Cadet Ral’s corpse; in the end taking her Survey Corps patch,” Diether said for all to hear. He looked back at the Corporal, who was not in his seat anymore.
Levi went up to the former room of Cadet Ral, whom no one of the new squad members dared to take. No one even used it for storage. They simply left the room as if she was still staying there.
The room was filled with dust. Nevertheless, Levi sat down on the bedside, trying his best not to cry.
As he was trying to regain his composure, a hand was touching his shoulder.
“Leave me alone!” Levi shouted, and covered his face; his hand was still holding the badge.
It was true, though, everything that Diether said. He didn't touch the corpse. It wasn’t Ivan’s. It was Petra’s. He didn’t take the other’s badges, but only hers. It wasn’t because it would be a hassle to take everyone’s badge, but because she was the only person in the world that he couldn’t bear to lose.
He lost her. No point.
He felt stupid.
He buried his face on his hands as he felt the hand touching him again.
“Fuck it, Hanji! Get the hell away from here before I slaughter you!” he demanded, but the hand still rested on his shoulder.
“Come on, Corporal. Don’t be such a spoil.”
He stopped. All of the angry emotions were thrown out the window. It wasn't Hanji. It wasn't his squad members. It was Petra. Fuck it; it was the girl he lost months ago.
Levi took all his courage and looked up. He could see her standing in front of him. Her strawberry blonde hair bounced as her head moved. Her caramel-colored eyes stared at him. It was her, but she appeared too heavenly— bright light surrounded her. And she looked translucent. Tears were forming at his eyes.
She smiled, and placed the hand on his shoulder to his face, wiping the tears before they would fall on his face. “Seriously Levi…” Petra said. “You cry too much today, didn’t you? It’s not like you.
Levi continued to stare at her wiping his tears away. “Jesus Christ, can’t your New Year’s Resolution be ‘I won’t be a crybaby’ or something like that?”
“Shut your trap already,” Levi said, taking her hand away from him, wiping the rest of his tears on his own. “If I had a mom, she might have been just as noisy as you were…”
Petra giggled.
“Petra, tell me. Why are you here?” Levi asked, not looking to the figment of his imagination. “Why are you present in my hallucinations?”
“I might be, or I might not,” she simply stated and sat down beside him. “But I’m here with you, to celebrate your birthday with you.
“I was not satisfied with just giving you a measly handkerchief last year; so I thought that I would just do something big this year for your gift,” Petra said. She stopped for a while and continued with her statement, “Maybe even after death.”
“So you gave me a headache via hallucinations?” Levi snapped.
“Probably,” she replied, and giggled.
Levi sighed, and placed his arm around her. Surprisingly, he could rest his arm on her. “Probably, you wanted to make a miracle,” Levi said.
“That’s what I said to myself when I thought of that…” Petra replied, and rested her head on his shoulders.
“Anyway… people shitted me out today and I just want to rest,” Levi complained, and landed on her bed, taking her with his fall.
Petra smiled, and wiggled away from the Corporal. She removed his shoes, coat and cravat. She took her blanket and placed it around the Corporal’s tiny frame. She was about to take the pillow when Levi yawned and told her in a sleepy voice, “Be my pillow…”
Her face flushed red as he rested his head on her lap. “Are you sure you’re a ghost? They shouldn't be blushing, nor doing these kinds of shit.”
“Call me an angel for all you want,” she remarked, playing with his hair.
He found himself comfortable on her lap. She would hum Christmas songs to him as the sweet tones would lull him to sleep.
But the emptiness inside still won’t go away.