Work Text:
"So you're the new kid?" A deep voice speaks behind Baekhyun. He’s been hearing that nickname for a whole week now and he’s getting bored of it. Deciding to go into a college in a smaller city outside the big city he came from, he knew the risks of him being a newcomer in a town where everyone practically grew up with each other. He turns around and was surprised to see a tall guy towering over him, smiling really brightly. So this is the famous Park Chanyeol, he mumbles to himself.
"And you're the guy everyone likes?" Baekhyun asks, not able to stop his left eyebrow from shooting up.
Chanyeol laughs as a response.
"Are you buttering me up so I excuse you from the heavy workload?" he asks.
School projects done with partners were a sure way for Baekhyun to make new friends. But he is still nervous since he enrolled late and everyone was partnered up already, like how everyone seems to be where they were supposed to belong in the first place. Baekhyun worries if he will ever fit in and he is nervous if getting the most liked guy in their class to be his partner will be a blessing or a burden.
"It's just that everything about this school and this town feels like it came out straight from a TV drama. It's too ideal and everyone falls into stereotypical roles but I feel like everyone hides a deep secret that will wrench the hearts of viewers," Baekhyun explains, then silently scolds himself for oversharing his thoughts again.
Surprisingly, Chanyeol laughs even louder.
"You're a funny guy. So if this is a TV drama and you are the main character, then what role would I have in it?" Chanyeol asks.
"Like I said, the guy everybody in the campus likes. I've heard ten different cliques since my first day here mention your name."
"Does that make me a main character with you too?" Chanyeol asks again, this time with a bigger smile.
"No. Just a side character who probably has a stable loveline and character development prepared already. I'm going to be the lonely new kid who'd have to find another lonely soul to take me in and make lasting friendship storyline with."
Surprisingly, Chanyeol shakes his head furiously.
"I'm not going to agree with that. This is the moment we merge storylines and stir up your stereotypical plot. I'm Park Chanyeol and we will be the best of friends...ah what’s your name again, kid?”
Baekhyun feels a smile creeping on his face. Finally, a friend.
“Byun Baekhyun,” he says with a smile.
“Well, Baekhyunee, I'm going to make you like me too."
*
Contrary to what he initially feared when he first moved in, Baekhyun didn’t stay friendless for a long time. It must be his good luck because everyone he met were warm and friendly.
Suddenly two years has passed and Baekhyun is no longer the new kid. He now has more friends than he initially expected to make.
His first friend, Chanyeol, remained a constant part of this life. Baekhyun is a Political Science student while Chanyeol takes up Engineering and that one class they shared together two years ago was actually an accident because Chanyeol enrolled himself in the wrong course. But they remained in contact. Chanyeol introduced him to his own friends and they became Baekhyun’s friends too.
The second friend Baekhyun made on his own was Do Kyungsoo who shared almost all his classes with him. It was another unlikely friendship, since their personalities are quite different. But Kyungsoo is, surprisingly, easy to befriend and they have become almost inseparable.
Baekhyun thought he knew Kyungsoo like the back of his hand. But his confession that morning definitely caught him off guard.
"So you like Chanyeol?" Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs. "Yeah, like a tiny crush because he is so good with his music and so ideal as a boyfriend. I figured I shouldn't hide it from you and you'd understand what I feel."
Despite growing up in the same town, it was through Baekhyun that Kyungsoo got to know Chanyeol. Kyungsoo insists it’s because he was shy and low profile but Chanyeol says it’s because Kyungsoo had bad first impression of Chanyeol. So this sudden confession definitely surprised Baekhyun.
"I guess I do understand,” Baekhyun says. Chanyeol is tall and attractive. He is also the nicest guy Baekhyun has ever met. He is funny and smart. Baekhyun understands why Kyungsoo may be attracted to him. “Do you want me to help you hook up with him or something?"
"What? No!” Kyungsoo objects, his eyes growing bigger. “I don't like him that way. It's really only just a school boy crush. Besides, why are you giving away the guy you are in love with?"
This time, it’s Baekhyun’s turn to object.
"What are you saying? I am not in love with Chanyeol!” Baekhyun objects. “I don't like him that way!"
Kyungsoo actually has the nerve to shake his head. "Are you serious? You haven't realized yet how much you are into him?"
"Stop joking, Kyungsoo. I like him as a good friend, not romantically."
“I didn’t know you are this in denial. Well, I guess that would make you two perfect for each other since you are both clueless.”
Baekhyun frowns. “I’m confused here. You just confessed you have a crush on Chanyeol yet here you are forcing me that I have feelings for him. What exactly do you want to achieve, Soo?”
Kyungsoo’s smile looked harmless but Baekhyun knows it’s dangerous.
“Nothing. I just need someone to gush with about Chanyeol.”
*
“How come you don’t have a nickname for me?” Chanyeol asks.
Chanyeol’s house is one of Baekhyun’s favorite place. They have a wide front lawn with a porch and Baekhyun usually spend Sunday mornings here so they can finish school work together. But today, it’s only Baekhyun who has work to do and Chanyeol is just casually hanging out, playing with his guitar.
Baekhyun looks up to see Chanyeol seriously watching him, waiting for his reply.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s one of your unique quirks. You have nickname for all our friends. Chen-chen, D.O., Kai… and you call Sehun as Baby. But you never gave me a nickname.”
“I have a nickname for you, I just haven’t told you about it.”
“What? What is it? You never call me anything but Chanyeol or Park.”
“I’m not sure you will like it.”
“Why? What is it? Tell me! Is it bad? Wait don’t tell me it’s yoda because I’ll kick you out right now,” Chanyeol says, pouting excessively.
“No, it’s not! It’s actually a nice one,” Baekhyun counters with a laugh.
“Then what is it? How come I’ve never heard of it.”
Baekhyun pulls his phone from his pocket.
“Try calling me.”
Confused but obedient, Chanyeol dials Baekhyun’s number.
Baekhyun shows his phone to Chanyeol. Flashing on the screen is the name “Sunshine.”
Chanyeol grins so widely. “You call me sunshine?”
“It’s my nickname for you. I don’t say it out loud because you might think I’m weird.”
“But you are weird, Baekhyunee. And I like you because of your weirdness.”
“Wow. Is this how you repay someone who calls you sunshine?” Baekhyun says, faking an annoyed expression that makes Chanyeol laugh.
“So why sunshine?” he asks.
Baekhyun contemplates how to reply. Chanyeol earned that nickname after all those rainy days he always accompanied Baekhyun, walking around carrying a large, yellow umbrella that fits both of them. Right now, as the soft light reflects behind Chanyeol making him look extra radiant, he thinks it’s the only perfect nickname for his best friend.
“It just fits you,” Baekhyun says, hoping the explanation will be enough.
*
All of Baekhyun’s friends know how weak he is for Chanyeol and they never fail to remind him about that. Baekhyun disagrees with them, sometimes even argues with them, but deep down he knew he can’t really say no whenever Chanyeol asks for favors.
Chanyeol’s favors are not extra or difficult anyway. In fact, Chanyeol makes the most adorable requests at the most irresistible ways.
Like last night when he nagged Baekhyun over the phone to cook him pancakes the next day. He begged, faked cried, then sang sweet, love songs to make Baekhyun say yes.
And that’s how Baekhyun found himself in Chanyeol’s kitchen, making his favorite chocolate chip pancakes at six in the morning.
The thing is, Chanyeol sleeps shirtless and is lazy to dress up so he is now walking around in the same kitchen, sleepy but determined to assist Baekhyun, and shirtless.
And it shouldn’t bother Baekhyun too much, except that he has always found Chanyeol physically attractive. He is tall, his hair is actually naturally curly and fluffy, and he has the nicest abs in town both from sports and working out.
And he is now munching on pancakes adorably, beaming at Baekhyun like he provided him with air to breathe.
“Your pancakes are really the best, Baekhyunee. I feel slightly guilty for making you wake up early but I have been craving them for days. I’ll make it up to you, okay?” Chanyeol says, his smile so contented that Baekhyun feels so flattered.
He doesn’t need anything in return. Chanyeol’s sincere gratitude makes it all worth it.
*
To say that Baekhyun’s is bothered is an understatement. Kyungsoo’s crush on Chanyeol faded after days and he is happily dating someone else now but every time Kyungsoo compliments their tall friend, Baekhyun feels something stir in the pits of his stomach.
Sometimes he suppresses it easily but there are times he couldn’t help it and it shows in his actions. Kyungsoo calls it jealousy.
“Come on, Baek. I just complimented Chanyeol’s guitar playing. You get jealous too easily.”
“I hate you,” Baekhyun snaps.
“Well, hate you too. But the funniest thing is you probably hate yourself more.”
“No, you don’t get it. I really hate you, Kyungsoo.”
“What have I done that got your panties all twisted? And I don’t think it’s just because of the compliments I randomly threw a while ago.”
“You should stop hanging out with Jongdae your vocabulary now is as dismal as his too.”
“How about you just tell me why you feel that you hate me?”
“Because… youmademerealizeIminlovewithChanyeol.”
“Okay, I’ll pretend you never mumbled gibberish the last few seconds. Tell me again, slowly now, what got you annoyed.”
Baekhyun sighs. There is no escaping this.
“I’m in love with Chanyeol,” he says quietly.
“Yes you are,” Kyungsoo acknowledges. “Everyone knows this except maybe the two of you.”
“But is it okay to like my friend this way? He doesn’t even like me like that. Should I stay away from him?”
Kyungsoo abruptly moves to stop Baekhyun’s shoulders from shaking.
“Slow down, Baek. No overthinking this. What do you want to do with your feelings now that you’ve realized them?”
Baekhyun remains quiet for a full minute.
“Nothing. Nothing has to change anyway.”
*
The thing about realizing you are in love with your best friend is that everything stays the same but feels different for you.
The hugs are still hugs, but warmer. The teasing are still daily occurrences, but more meaningful. And Baekhyun feels like he is drowning, because Chanyeol is perfect and Chanyeol thinks of him as his most trusted friend.
So he resulted to limiting their interactions, hoping the feelings would fade away too like the way they did with Kyungsoo.
“You really don’t get it right? I had a small crush. It was a shallow infatuation,” Kyungsoo says. “You, my friend, is head over heels in love with him.”
“Will you stop rubbing it in? This is not helping,” Baekhyun says, swatting Kyungsoo before drinking another beer.
“Well, why don’t you just confess?” Kyungsoo asks, almost shouting.
“Because!” Baekhyun shouts back. Then he sighs. “Because, last night, he just told me hopes we’d be best friends forever. You know how sappy Chanyeol is whenever he is drunk. He arrived in my apartment drunk. A classmate dropped him there, saying he insisted. And he went on and on how much he values me as his friend and I am the only one he trusts to be with when he is drunk because I’d take his dramatic sappiness seriously. And you know what I realized Soo? That I’d always be in that zone...what do they call that? Friendzone.”
Kyungsoo reaches over to rub Baekhyun’s back.
“We don’t even know if Chanyeol is interested in guys since he’s been single always and only have female crushes. So one strike for me. The second strike is being in that safe friendzone. I have to be there, stay there, because he needs me there. I cannot afford a third strike wherein he would just tell me he doesn’t like me that way and I would make everything awkward for us.”
“And you think avoiding him will make everything okay? He’s bound the notice and get hurt.”
“Not if I play it right.”
*
It turns out avoiding his best friend is going to be easy when Chanyeol has enough distractions on his own.
Baekhyun lets the phone ring a couple more times before he reaches out to answer it. The name “Sunshine” flashes on the screen as a personalized ringtone plays. It’s a tune the caller has recorded and set himself.
“Hey, Chanyeol?”
“Baekhyunee! Where are you?”
“I’m out of town. Had to come home to my parents. Didn’t Jongdae tell you I can’t make it today?”
“He did just now! Why didn’t you tell me? We were texting last night and I didn’t even know my best friend is not in town. Oh but I shouldn’t call you best friend out loud because Kyungsoo might kill me for stealing you away.”
Baekhyun laughs but his heart aches a bit.
“I’m sorry I forgot to tell you. It was a very last minute change of plan too.”
“Well okay. When will I see you again?”
“Maybe next week. I promised Junmyeon I’d go to the opening of his gallery. And Kyungsoo will kill me if I miss his boyfriend’s event.”
“Okay. Then sleep early tonight. You sound tired. I have to go now too anyway because I can Yuri drinking more than she can handle.”
“You really are asking her out tonight?” Baekhyun asks softly, hoping it masks the pain.
“No, not yet. Not like this when there’s alcohol around and she won’t take me seriously. Maybe next week? I don’t know. But wish me luck?”
“Of course. Good luck,Chanyeol.”
*
Baekhyun’s heartbreak didn’t happen in one full blow. It dragged on and on for months, until he just learned to live with it.
And Baekhyun just kept falling and falling in love as he gets pushed harder towards his strike three.
But his role as Chanyeol’s best friend was a position he can’t just easily relinquish.
It’s been weeks since they’ve hanged out with each other. Baekhyun kept himself busy as Chanyeol spent more of his free time dating Yuri for few weeks before everything fell apart. Sadly, even after then, Chanyeol and Baekhyun didn’t have any chance to meet again. And Baekhyun didn’t even put extra effort to avoid him.
But it’s the 27th of November and Baekhyun knows he will meet Chanyeol tonight. He needs to, at all costs. For years since they’ve first become friends, Chanyeol also ends his birthdays with a sleep over in Baekhyun’s apartment. And despite wanting to move on from loving his best friend, Baekhyun is still not ready to let go of this one tradition.
Everyone met for some drinks at their favorite bar courtesy of Chanyeol. As the clock strikes 11, Chanyeol said they better head home because it’s still a week day.
“You’re sleeping over, right?” Baekhyun asks, hesitant.
Chanyeol smiles at him, the first smile that day that is only for him and not shared to their group of friends.
“Of course. I missed you a lot. And I still have to get my gift from you.”
Baekhyun scoffs, feeling lighter. “Yah! That space on my bed tonight is your birthday gift.”
Chanyeol laughs, then pulls Baekhyun into a semi bro-hug. “That’s enough gift for me.”
But later, after they both have showered and were getting ready to sleep, Baekhyun wasn’t able to stop himself.
"I may have a small gift for you but I'm thinking twice now if I should give it to you. You might think you are special to me when you are not."
"What a weird way to give a gift, Baek. Why a disclaimer? Just give me the gift."
"It's just so childish."
Chanyeol laughs. "So what? I want my gift.”
“Fine,” Baekhyun pouts. He rummages through his bag and glares at Chanyeol before handing him the gift.
“Oh… it’s a notebook,” Chanyeol says in the most disappointing voice he can do.
“I told you it’s childish.”
Chanyeol laughs harder and ruffles Baekhyun’s hair.
“I am just joking, Baekhyunee. It’s really pretty and useful.”
“You always use random papers or even table napkins to write notes and song lyrics. I just thought a notebook will be useful for you.”
“You really notice even the littlest details.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No. It actually feels good to have someone caring that way.”
*
Spring is Baekhyun’s favorite season. And he loves the season so much that no amount of teasing from his friends can ruin his mood.
“Baekhyun’s fan mode is activated again,” Jongdae jokes.
His “fan mode” is one of the reasons why his friends easily picked it up that Baekhyun was in love with Chanyeol. He is very passionate about his best friend’s talent.
Chanyeol who played the guitar for him the second time they met has won himself a fan in Baekhyun. Baekhyun used to take offense about this but today he is really feeling too good to disagree.
The other important reason why Baekhyun is too happy today is because Chanyeol, finally, agreed to perform in the Spring Concert of their university.
It’s not a secret in their small university and close-knit community that Chanyeol is talented. He’d often be seen jamming on the streets or by the riverside with friends. But he had yet to perform formally in front of a crowd.
He had shared to Baekhyun that he worries he might develop a stage fright or realize no one will show up to watch him perform.
So Baekhyun did what he can do. Aside from giving Chanyeol encouraging words and compliments, Baekhyun made sure everyone will show up on the night Chanyeol will perform.
He handed out flyers, posted posters, and convinced everyone he meets to free their Friday night, head to the city park, and cheer for Chanyeol. Baekhyun can be persuasive when he wants to be.
In Baekhyun’s opinion, the night was a success. Possibly everyone in their town showed up and Chanyeol was beaming happily before starting his set.
Chanyeol’s voice was soothing and his acoustic guitar was perfect for the spring. Baekhyun was so contented, so happy, that he almost teared up when Chanyeol was on his last set.
“I’m supposed to sing my last song now but before that I want to say thank you to everyone who came tonight,” Chanyeol says. “I hope it wasn’t much of a waste of time and that you all enjoyed. I know this is all Baekhyun’s effort, even if he wanted to keep it from me.”
Baekhyun is surprised. He didn’t want Chanyeol to know, if he was being honest.
“My best friend can be a little extra but I don’t mind. In fact, I feel blessed to have someone like him in life. He encourages me, he believes in me. And I hope I have the same impact in his life.”
Chanyeol then points at Baekhyun and motioned him to come up the stage.
“Hey Baekhyunee, come up here. Let’s end this show together.”
Suddenly Baekhyun is being pushed by their friends to the stage and everyone is clapping.
“What are you doing Chanyeol?” Baekhyun hisses.
“This is my thank you,” his best friend says smugly.
“Is this a form of revenge? Am I supposed to embarrass myself?”
“Of course not! I’m really grateful for you, Baek,” Chanyeol says as he reaches out to squeeze Baekhyun’s hand. “Let’s do this like those late night jamming we do in our rooms. I play, you sing, I follow. Okay?”
Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol quietly. He’s not sure if Chanyeol even has the remotest idea that he is in love with him. But somehow, Chanyeol seems to have a hint that those moments they had, just the two of them singing to each other, are Baekhyun’s fondest memories of their friendship.
“Okay, Park. Let’s do this.”
*
It’s silly to harbor some hope. It’s stupid. And Baekhyun thought he is beyond that already. But of course, he is also a fool.
The worst thing to do after falling into an unrequited love with your best friend is to harbor a hope that he can love you back with the same kind of love that you feel. That is just plain stupid, a sure path to heartbreak.
Baekhyun was okay loving him secretly, as long as he gets to love him.
But he stupidly allowed himself to hope that Chanyeol can choose him, at some point. Just choose to be with him too.
But then Chanyeol falls in love with another guy, and Baekhyun knew he has led himself to a dead end.
Kim Minseok works with Chanyeol in the busiest record store in town. Baekhyun remembers when he first talked about him. The giant thought his co-workers who share same shift as his were dating but it turned out the other one, Yixing, was actually dating the manager’s boss. But Baekhyun wasn’t able to notice it when the stories started shifting from two co-workers to just one. And how the stories hinted deeper admiration.
Baekhyun, who stupidly thought that as the best friend he will always have first access to Chanyeol’s feelings, totally missed the signs of Chanyeol falling in love with someone else because he was busy fighting what he feels.
“He’s really adorable and attentive and I really like him,” Chanyeol says after confessing his relationship to Baekhyun. “It feels good to call him my boyfriend.”
In Baekhyun’s mind, he scolds his own self for even thinking that if Chanyeol would date a guy, it will be him at the start of the line. He can’t even get mad, not when he never had the guts to confess to Chanyeol what he felt.
Somehow, this feels more different than when Chanyeol was dating Yuri. As he fakes a big smile and congratulate Chanyeol on his new relationship, Baekhyun feels his heart breaking into thousand pieces. This is it, his strike three.
*
Baekhyun and Chanyeol enters their last year in college growing apart from each other.
The saddest part of it is that they were both conscious of this and didn’t have the will to fix it.
For a part, Chanyeol is mad at Baekhyun. “You always do this to me. You get closed off whenever I date someone, as if you don’t want me to be happy. Back then I thought it was only you didn’t like Yuri. But now, I don’t get it, Baek. You aren’t even willing to give Minseok a chance.”
Baekhyun wanted to scream back to Chanyeol that he is the selfish and dense one here because if he really knew Baekhyun then he would know that his happiness has always been his priority. But Baekhyun cannot reply, cannot defend himself without outing his feelings.
Besides, it’s his fault. He was too confident in saying that he can take it, having a one-sided love for this best friend. But it hurts. His heart hurts so much. Because now, he can’t stay in love with him. He will be crossing the line, encroaching someone else’s territory. There is no safety net to catch him. Because yes, he is selfish for wanting too much from Chanyeol.
After they fought, it was excruciating. Their friends wanted to help but what they can say and do was very limited too. And Baekhyun and Chanyeol fought so passively. They didn’t shout or scream at each other anymore after the first time. They didn’t glare at each other nor attack each other. They didn’t even on purposely avoid each other. They just co-existed, coldly.
Weeks turned to months and the coldness between them became the new normal.
Baekhyun meets Minseok several times. He was a good guy, quite attractive. He takes care of Chanyeol well, and for that Baekhyun is already grateful.
But it was only on the night before Chanyeol’s birthday that he was able to have a chance to actually talk to him.
Minseok on purposely sought Baekhyun. He went to his apartment and asked for some time to talk.
“Chanyeol talked about you a lot even when we were just workmates. I know you are the best friend and I was nervous to meet you. But then when I actually got to meet you, you and Chanyeol were already so distant with each other. I asked him if it was my fault but he denied it,” Minseok says.
“It’s not,” Baekhyun insists, because it’s the truth. “I’m sorry. I caused some mess and now I don’t know how to fix it. But it’s not your fault.”
“Chanyeol was also my friend before we started dating. Though we knew each other for a shorter period of time than the two of you, I hope you know that I really care for him too. But I am not replacing you. I don’t want to replace you.”
Baekhyun laughs. “I know that. You and I, we belong to a different compartment in Chanyeol’s heart. I don’t have what you have.”
This time it’s Minseok who laughs. “You do talk in a really interesting way. Chanyeol says you have this really cute way of describing or explaining things. I was hoping we can be friends too.”
“Sure. I should probably to make it up with Chanyeol too. Is that the only reason you came here?”
“Ah. About that… I know this will be like taking ten steps backwards after we just moved forward with this friendship thing but… I was wondering if you can attend Chanyeol’s party tomorrow? I know you know it’s his birthday and I really don’t want him to be miserable anymore.”
Baekhyun’s heart aches because Minseok is so good, so perfect for Chanyeol. At least he lost to a worthy opponent.
*
Love is really a silly thing, Baekhyun thinks.
Friendship with Chanyeol is easy. It was easy to rekindle and go back to how they were before. Chanyeol forgave him and Baekhyun kept his feelings well-hidden and made extra efforts to be close with Minseok.
But being in love with Chanyeol is difficult. Baekhyun thought that the most painful thing he’d ever go through is watch Chanyeol fall in love with someone else. He didn’t know that the most painful thing is actually to witness Chanyeol’s heart break because of someone else.
Chanyeol and Minseok’s break up was a mutual decision, they said. It was due to a multitude of reasons, according to Chanyeol. But the heaviest of all the reasons is because Minseok wanted to leave and move to a bigger city and bigger dream.
“We realized he had dreams that didn’t involve me and I had plans that didn’t involve him. The relationship was bound to fail,” Chanyeol explains over beer. They weren’t drinking to get drunk but Chanyeol needed alcohol in his system to talk about it.
Baekhyun remains silent, feeling very lost too. He cannot imagine what Minseok could want more than having Chanyeol next to him.
“You know what hurts the most? It’s the betrayal. I feel like we both betrayed each other because we led each other on. If I didn’t have that enough space in his life, he shouldn’t have just let me in.”
Baekhyun coughs, and drinks some beer too. “I think… I think that the idea that you both still took the risk to be in a relationship with each other is actually brave. That for a brief period you both wanted each other more than whatever dreams and plans you had. Sure it didn’t last but it’s a good risk taken right?”
Chanyeol pouts, then nod. “When you put it that way, I guess it hurts less. You seem to be experienced in relationship issues and giving love advices, Baek. Want to share the reason?”
Baekhyun simply shakes his head. “I only know the part of what happens when you are too much of a coward to even take a risk in love. That’s why I admire people who are brave enough for it.”
*
Chanyeol’s first heartbreak had a bigger impact on Baekhyun than he would care to admit. He had become more protective of his best friend that he forgets his own breaking heart.
It was Kyungsoo who first called him out.
“You know I’ve always been on #TeamChanBaek since the start right? Maybe there’s a brief period I swayed when I got infatuated with him, which I totally regret now. But Baekhyun, you need to start taking care of your own heart too.”
Baekhyun frowns at Kyungsoo, obviously very confused.
“If you don’t want to act on your feelings for Chanyeol, then fine. But will you really just stay single and be in love with him for the rest of your life? How about considering dating someone else too? Chanyeol is not the only good guy around. We are graduating in a month and you are still there stuck in the same place you have been from the start.”
Baekhyun thought Kyungsoo was being silly, but it turns out all of their friends shared the same sentiment.
Jongdae made him an account in a dating site. Jongin took him to a double date with his boyfriend. Sehun set him up on a blind date with his older cousin. And several other dates followed.
It was exhausting but Baekhyun gave in. Maybe it’s finally time to move on.
*
Baekhyun tried but no matter what he does, it’s always Chanyeol he is in love with. For the last weeks prior to graduation, they are practically glued to each other. It was not something they deliberately planned but the only time they don’t see each other is when they have classes. They study together, sleep on the same bed, eat meals together.
And true to his words, they graduated college without Baekhyun being able to change the way he feels and without finding the bravery to confess.
He was ready to accept his fate, but fate has other plans for him.
It was during their beach trip after graduation that the confession came.
It was supposed to be a fun bonfire, with everyone joking around and trading stories of their favorite memories in college.
Baekhyun can’t remember what brought about the topic on but suddenly Chanyeol was talking about Baekhyun’s sudden speed dating during the last months in college.
“What did you say?” Baekhyun asks.
“I said I was surprised when you suddenly went to consecutive dates with different people. It’s like you were suddenly so desperate to be attached to someone. Which is weird because we were graduating soon,” Chanyeol says.
“Baekhyun wasn’t dating to rush into a relationship, Chanyeol. Besides, what’s wrong with meeting people and seeing if you will work out?” Kyungsoo defends.
“I don’t know. I think relationships built from friendship or at least knowing each other for a long time still makes more sense to me.”
“And you think Baekhyun didn’t want that?” Jongdae says.
“I haven’t seen him try,” Chanyeol says, shrugging.
Kyungsoo stands up, fuming. He was posed to punch Chanyeol but Baekhyun intervenes.
“Stop. What Chanyeol said is true anyway,” Baekhyun whispers.
“Baekhyun!” Kyungsoo shouts.
“What part do you agree with?” Chanyeol asks.
“You know this is bullshit,” Jongin shouts over him.
“But it’s not!” Baekhyun shouts too. Like a triggered volcano, he can feel his emotions erupting. All the locked up feelings are bursting. “It’s not bullshit because it’s true. I didn’t try! I’ve been in love with one person who was always next to me for years and I never had the guts to try to tell him what I feel. I was in love with him for years and he never looked at me the way I looked at him and I was fine with it. And it’s all my fault for even falling in love in the first place.”
“What? Who is this guy?” Chanyeol says.
“Baek…” Sehun quietly says in the background.
“I dated around because I wanted to forget you, Chanyeol. Because I want to stay as your friend. I loved you for three years and it was unrequited because you only saw me as your friend. But that’s okay because I never found the courage to tell you what I feel anyway,” Baekhyun screams, until his voice went hoarse.
Everyone was quiet. No one dared to make the first move. Chanyeol was evidently shocked. Baekhyun shakes his head then runs aways.
*
The room falls into a still, quietness. Somehow, Baekhyun kinda missed Jongdae's snores. He prays ardently that Chanyeol is really sleeping now. It is really such bad luck that he had to confess tonight when he knew he'd be stuck in the same bedroom with Chanyeol.
Baekhyun wills himself to fall asleep. Then the voice he loves the most but fears especially tonight speaks up.
"Did you mean what you said at the beach tonight?"
Baekhyun scoffs. He is so tired now that he doesn't care if he gets rejected again.
"Which part? The one when I screamed I've been in love with you for three years now? If that's it then yes, I'm pretty sure I mean that."
"I'm sorry."
Baekhyun clasps his pillow tighter, stopping himself from crying.
"You don't have to apologize, Chanyeol. You didn't know. And me feeling this way doesn't mean you are required to reciprocate it. I just needed to tell you at that moment what I really feel."
"No, Baekhyun. I'm sorry because I think I knew but I just ignored it. I thought maybe it's just me being overconfident and you were just infatuated or something. I'm not demeaning what you feel. I just really.. I'm sorry I never felt the same way."
One, two tears fell and Baekhyun hates himself all over again for subjecting Chanyeol to such guilt.
"There's nothing to apologize for and like what I said, I don't need you to feel the same way that I do."
More silence passes by between them.
"I don't want to lose you, Baek."
"Sleep now, Chanyeol. Tonight has ended and will be forgotten. Tomorrow, you will still have me as your friend."
*
Baekhyun was ready to lose Chanyeol. It was the only scenario he had in his head after that abrupt confession. He always thought, feared, that his feelings will only push Chanyeol away. Add that to the fact that they graduated already and don’t need to see each other daily in the campus anyway.
But what happened was the complete opposite. And yet Baekhyun feels it’s much worse than what he feared.
Chanyeol didn’t create a distance between them. But he became so careful to handling Baekhyun’s emotions. It was even worse than when they were having a cold war with each other. Because Baekhyun can feel how much Chanyeol is forcing himself to reciprocate his love.
And Baekhyun hates that. He hates that he is compelling Chanyeol to love him back. The air between them has changed and it’s so awkward, like Chanyeol is always afraid to hurt him. Like Chanyeol feels so guilty for all the years he was hurt because of his one-sided love.
The last straw was when Chanyeol turned down a chance to meet with Minseok again and Baekhyun only found out because Sehun told him about it.
“Why didn’t you meet with Minseok?” he asks as Chanyeol prepares their dinner. The tall boy was recently employed in a big firm that expanded in their city and yet had been visiting Baekhyun every dinner time so they can eat together. Baekhyun decided to proceed to law school.
It’s not that there’s something abnormal in having Chanyeol around everyday. But Baekhyun feels like Chanyeol is only doing this to make up for all the years he loved him one sidedly.
“Our schedules don't match. And how did you know he asked to meet with me?” Chanyeol asks.
“Sehun told me. And I messaged him too. He’s a friend, right? He told me you were supposed to meet last Wednesday. You weren't busy that night. We only re-watched Kimi no na wa after dinner.”
“I prefer watching Kimi no na wa again rather than sit in a bar with alcohol on a work night. Besides, you cooked lasagna that night and I didn’t want to miss it. I did invite him here but he said he’s meeting other friends too.”
“My lasagna wasn’t even that special, Chanyeol. I know you miss him too.”
“Your lasagna is special, Baek. And so is eating a meal with you. And yes, he is a friend that I miss but nothing life threatening so I don’t know why you are so angry.”
“Because you are going out of your way to do things for me or with me because of your guilt!”
“Don’t shout, Baek. Stay calm. And I am not doing anything because of guilt. I am only doing things I just realized now that I want to do with you and for you.”
"I can't do this. I can't just watch you force yourself to love me. You don't need to love me Chanyeol. I don't need you to love me."
“Baek… I promise, it’s not like that.”
“But it feels like that. Like you are only doing things because you know what I feel about you. I feel like it’s insulting my love for you, to be a charity case.”
“Baekhyun! Is… is that how you perceive my actions? Am I that kind of person who will only love you out of pity?!”
“I don’t know, Chanyeol. But this, whatever you are doing, only makes me feel miserable.”
That night, Baekhyun sleeps with the heaviest heart.
*
One of Chanyeol’s traits that Baekhyun always found attractive is his perseverance. Adding that to his optimism and his need to always win, Chanyeol is a born achiever. And Baekhyun has always been attracted to that.
After that night when Baekhyun intended to push Chanyeol away and stop him from forcing himself to love him, Chanyeol apologized many times. He asked for Baekhyun to explain what makes him feel miserable and he asked for a chance to love him properly.
“It’s not true that I never loved you, Baek. You were always that one person who is consistently part of my life plans. There is no other lover or friend who has that pull in me. I will follow you wherever you want to go. And it’s not just because I need you, but it’s because I love you. I just never thought before that it’s okay to love you more.”
“Chanyeol, this is insane.”
“No it’s not, Baekhyunee. It’s only now that everything makes sense to me. I know I got here slower than you… but am I too late now?”
“Do you really mean that? Because I don’t want your guilt or your pity. I don’t want anything. I am contented with our friendship.”
“You loved me. You wanted to love me. But you never gave me the chance to love you back. And I’m hoping I can have the chance now, Baekhyunee.”
“What do I need to do?”
"Nothing. Just be you. And I will be me. Until one day you will see that I love you just the same way you love me too. You don't even have to move Baekhyun. I'd be doing the walking towards you."
*
EPILOGUE
“Hey Baekhyunee, don’t forget our date tomorrow night okay? You can be late, as long as you arrive,” Chanyeol says as he fixes his jacket. It’s only ten in the evening but Chanyeol insists he needs to go home now because they have a big date tomorrow.
Baekhyun laughs because Chanyeol is so obvious.
“Sure Sunshine. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Chanyeol beams at the nickname. He loves hearing it because he says Baekhyun says it so affectionately.
Baekhyun knows Chanyeol is going to propose tomorrow. He and their friends aren’t the best in keeping secrets. Baekhyun toyed with the idea of proposing first, since he did love Chanyeol first anyway. But he didn’t want to ruin Chanyeol’s efforts. Jongdae said Chanyeol is worried he’d say no. And Baekhyun thinks this is silly when Chanyeol have had his heart since the first day they met.