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From where he sat on the roof Karamatsu watched as Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu announced their leave while they exited their home. Ichimatsu was holding a bag in one hand and Jyushimatsu carried his baseball gear, meaning that they were most likely going to feed some cats together before heading to play at the park.
Jyushimatsu immediately noticed their sibling on the roof and waved amicably in his direction. Karamatsu waved back with a broad smile, not minding that Ichimatsu ignored him completely.
When Karamatsu was sure they were both out of sight he let his smile falter into a frown. Lately it had become more tiresome to muster smiles in front of his brothers, but he promised himself to never let them see through his façade.
Still holding his guitar against his lap Karamatsu lazily played a few notes but sighed when they wouldn’t continue flowing from his fingers. Usually he had no problems channeling the music inside his soul out through his guitar, but the more days passed the less Karamatsu enjoyed playing.
Karamatsu closed his eyes in defeat and stood up with guitar in hand to get back inside the house. If he wasn’t going to play there was no point in staying outside. There was always the option of taking a nap under the sun, but if it got too late he risked getting sick. Although that wouldn’t matter either, he’d deserve it anyways.
Karamatsu came to a sudden halt. He laughed nervously, placing his guitar back in its proper place and sitting against the nearest wall of his shared bedroom.
Those thoughts again.
He did deserve punishment at some degree. Despite loving his brothers so much one way or the other he always caused them pain. What kind of sick love was that? Of course his brothers wouldn’t reciprocate him. He deserved all those nicknames and harsh words if not more as punishment.
Karamatsu rubbed his left wrist unconsciously.
It was one thing to get punished, but to actively look for ways to get himself hurt or injured gravely was just a pathetic way of seeking attention. If he got sick he would become an inconvenience for his family, he’d probably get them sick too, and if it got serious he could end up in the hospital.
He never wanted to worry his brothers. They all had their own problems to deal with, the last thing they needed was a burden of a brother that was dealing with stupid emotions. That's all it was. Dumb stupid emotions. Like that could be considered a real problem.
Resting his head against the wall Karamatsu thought of what he could do to spend the rest of the afternoon. Playing guitar was out of the question and so was staying on the roof. He could go look for Karamatsu girls but he really wasn’t in the mood. It would have been perfect to sing with Jyushimatsu or accompany him to play baseball, but he was already gone with Ichimatsu.
Karamatsu smiled faintly. Those two were always together weren’t they? Ever since they were kids Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu were inseparable. From the outside it would seem like a strange combination, but to everyone else in the family it made perfect sense. Ichimatsu was always there to keep Jyushimatsu grounded and out of trouble, and Jyushimatsu was always there to brighten Ichimatsu’s days. They took care of each other.
Out of the six of them Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu were the only ones that stayed so close even after growing up. Osomatsu and Choromatsu grew a little distant and fought a lot, but their closeness was still there. They looked out after each other in their own peculiar way. As for him and Todomatsu…
They still found time to hang out every once in a while. When Todomatsu wasn’t busy there were times Karamatsu convinced him to go fishing together. That still counted right? Sure, they weren’t as close as when they were kids and Karamatsu sometimes thought he didn’t know his brother at all… but they still talked!
Sometimes.
When he wasn’t out with his friends.
Or wasn’t at work.
Or wasn’t hanging out with another one of his brothers.
Now that he thought about it Todomatsu seemed to spend more time with Osomatsu than with any other sextuplet.
Karamatsu forced himself to smile.
Perhaps he had taken care of his younger brother too well. Yeah, that must have been it. It was thanks to him that Todomatsu grew to become independent and strong, of course it couldn’t be helped that they drifted apart. He should be proud of his little brother.
Then why couldn’t he?
Todomatsu was now an adult. It was ridiculous to think he would still need to rely on his big brother, he wasn’t a small child anymore. But Karamatsu wanted to be needed, if not by Todomatsu then anyone else would suffice. He wanted to have what Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu, and Osomatsu and Choromatsu had.
But Todomatsu didn’t want that.
Why was he so selfish?
Karamatsu slowly stood up from the corner he was sitting in and dragged his feet across the room.
Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu had just left. Osomatsu was out playing pachinko. Choromatsu was at a concert. Todomatsu was out with some friends.
He was completely alone; he could do whatever he wanted in peace.
Karamatsu knelt down in front of the bookstand and took out a thick dictionary that was hidden behind some magazines. He went through the pages straight to the letter ‘K’ to find a small razor blade and took it out. He always kept it clean, to avoid both getting it rusty and leaving behind evidence of what he was doing with it.
He placed the dictionary next to him and sat down with his legs crossed, hunched over and a somber expression on his face.
With shaky fingers Karamatsu rolled up the left sleeve of his blue sweater and sighed sadly. Some of his scars were still healing and were really noticeable. At this rate he’d have to avoid going to the bathhouse with his brothers a little longer. Why couldn’t he just stop being a shitty brother? Then he wouldn’t have to punish himself so often.
“This one is for being a terrible and selfish older brother.” He murmured to himself. Each cut in his wrist had a meaning, and he wouldn’t stop until he learned his lesson.
Karamatsu sank the blade on his skin until the sharp sensation of pain hit him and the first drop of blood could be seen. Closing his eyes and holding his breath Karamatsu slid the blade across his wrist as quickly as he could, grimacing and biting down his lip to hold back any sob that threatened to escape.
He opened his eyes hesitantly to look at the fresh wound. It wasn’t deep, but it was a bright pink color and barely bleeding. This was good. He received his punishment and he certainly wouldn’t bleed out. He’d never want that. Even he knew his brothers would be devastated if he committed suicide.
He didn’t want to cause them pain.
Their tears shouldn’t be wasted on him.
This was fine.
“K-Karamatsu-niisan?!”
Karamatsu jerked his head up in surprise.
Todomatsu was standing on the frame of the door with a terrified look in his eyes, frozen in disbelief at what he was seeing.
Why hadn’t he heard when he got back home?
Caught right on the act Karamatsu found himself at a loss of words. There was no way he could make up a believable excuse. But was he supposed to tell the truth? No, he couldn’t do that. There was no way he could do that.
Karamatsu glanced briefly at the window behind him. It was still open. He could try to jump out and run for it, but he was on the second floor and it was a dangerous fall. It wouldn’t be the first time he had fallen from that height, so he knew better than anyone that there was no way he’d leave unscathed. But even if he landed safely and ran away where would he go? He’d have to return home eventually, and when he did his brothers would want to have a serious talk with him.
So then what was he supposed to do?
“What are you doing Karamatsu-niisan?!” Todomatsu cried horrified, tears running down his cheeks.
Ah.
He made his little brother cry.
Why was he always hurting the ones he loved the most?
“Todo-”
“What were you thinking?!”
In long hurried strides Todomatsu made his way to Karamatsu and angrily snatched the blade from his hand, keeping it in his pocket to dispose of it later. Karamatsu tried to protest but was forcefully brought to his feet by the arm and dragged out of the room.
“To-”
“Shut up!”
Todomatsu interrupted through tears, taking Karamatsu with him to the bathroom. He hastily opened the faucet and placed Karamatsu’s arm beneath the water. Karamatsu hissed in pain and tried to pull away, but Todomatsu tightened the grip on his arm to keep him in place.
The two watched as bloody water ran down the drain, Karamatsu’s wound still bleeding a couple more times despite being cleaned until it finally came to a stop. Todomatsu closed the faucet with shaky hands and finally let go of Karamatsu’s arm.
“What are you doing Karamatsu-niisan?!” He sobbed angrily. “Why are you doing this?!”
Karamatsu looked away from Todomatsu’s eyes in shame. He couldn’t stand to look at them directly knowing he was the cause of his tears.
“Heh, it’s nothing…” Karamatsu chuckled softly. “You don’t need to worry about me brother. I’ll be fine.”
Karamatsu gasped when he was suddenly slapped across the face.
“Don’t lie to me!”
Holding his aching cheek Karamatsu watched stunned as Todomatsu’s fists shook in frustration.
“I’m not stupid Karamatsu-niisan…” Todomatsu whispered. “You’re not fine! Why else would you be hurting yourself?!”
He really couldn’t stand seeing Todomatsu cry.
Against his better judgement Karamatsu gave in to his older brother instincts and held Todomatsu in his arms. The younger sibling accepted the gesture and hid his face beneath Karamatsu’s neck, trembling and sobbing against him.
Karamatsu wanted to tell him everything would be fine, that there was nothing to be afraid of, but he didn’t have it in him to tell such a blatant lie. He wasn’t even sure if this would be the last time he’d hurt himself. Todomatsu had no reason to believe that either.
Unable to find the words to comfort his younger brother Karamatsu began caressing Todomatsu’s back in circles, hoping he’d calm down after crying his heart out.
“…It’s my fault isn’t it?”
“What?”
Todomatsu pulled away from Karamatsu’s embrace to look at him in the eye. Tears were still streaming down his cheeks and his eyes were turning red and puffy from crying so much.
“I’ve been a terrible brother haven’t I?”
“W-What are you talking about? Of course this isn’t your fault!” Karamatsu quickly interjected.
Karamatsu couldn’t allow Todomatsu to blame himself for his shitty feelings. His little brother had nothing to do with the fact that he felt so terrible and miserable all the time. That was a weight that Karamatsu refused to let anyone else carry when it was his to bear.
Todomatsu shook his head, sniffing and trying to wipe his tears away.
“I’m supposed to look after you Karamatsu-niisan…” He sobbed. “E-Even after I distanced myself from you on purpose you still took care of me. Even though I’ve called you painful and said terrible things you still looked after me…”
Todomatsu was suddenly overwhelmed by guilt.
Of course he remembered how back when they were kids he and Karamatsu were inseparable. He loved being with Karamatsu, he was his best friend, and they were always there to help each other out. But as he grew up and found other priorities Todomatsu discarded his close relationship with his brother. He barely bothered to spend any time with him and actually joined his other brothers’ constant bullying, mocking him just for being himself.
Yet after doing such a cruel thing Karamatsu never stopped caring.
Of course he never stopped caring. His older brother was too kind for his own good.
If Todomatsu hadn’t done that would Karamatsu have tried to talk about whatever was hurting him so much?
Probably.
No wonder his brothers thought he was a dry monster.
“Please let me help you Karamatsu-niisan. Please tell me what’s wrong.” Todomatsu sniffed. “I promise to be a better brother… just don’t do this anymore p-please…”
Karamatsu softened his eyes.
“Todomatsu…”
“I won’t tell the others if you don’t want me to!” Todomatsu added quickly, his tears finally coming to a stop. “I don’t know what I’d do if something bad happened to you so please… promise me you’ll stop.”
A smile slowly formed on Karamatsu’s lips.
What a terrible big brother he was, causing his little brother to cry so much.
But he was willing to do anything to comfort him.
“I promise.” Karamatsu murmured, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.
Todomatsu’s eyes brightened and he smiled in relief. It wasn’t too late to fix the mistake he had made. By some miracle he was given a second chance to redeem himself, and he was definitely not going to take it for granted.
Crying relieved Todomatsu jumped to hug Karamatsu tightly against him, whimpering and sobbing on his brother’s shoulders. Karamatsu happily returned the gesture, caressing his brother’s hair reassuringly.
“Don’t scare me like that again you idiot!”
“I’m sorry.”
“And don’t you dare try to hide stuff from me again!”
“I won’t.”
“Do you even know how much I care about you?! I wouldn’t stand it if you were gone!”
Karamatsu held Todomatsu closer to him.
“I know.”