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Brad held out his beer bottle, giving a small toast of, "To new beginnings."
"To new beginnings," Adam repeated, smiling as he tapped his water bottle against it.
Sitting beside each other on the concrete step with only a dingy porch light and their lit cigarettes illuminating the back door to the venue, they both took a sip of their drinks. It had been one of their first shows since Adam had gone through rehab and, as exciting as it was to be back and onto new music, new venues, and new tours, it was nice to step away from everything for the moment. Brad could tell he appreciated having a dark, quiet smoke break in contrast to the high energy inside.
They sat in silence, taking in the crisp, late spring air and the occasional sound of nearby traffic as they alternated between sips and puffs of smoke. There wasn't much to look at in the back parking lot, even if there had been better lighting. The sights included some locked up tour buses, a few trailers, and a fair number of moths. Brad wanted to glance over at Adam, see his guitar calloused fingers with the cigarette perched between them, that black hair give a weak shine in the low light, the smoke wreath his face like a veil, but he still seemed tense from the show. Instead, Brad tried to keep still and busy himself counting the assortment of bugs. The least he could do to respect Adam's invitation to join him outside was not encroach on his peace.
Another moth fluttered towards the light. The silence lingered as they worked through their cigarettes, Brad trying to resist blowing smoke at the moths just to find out what they'd do. It didn't take long for Adam to start up a second cigarette. They could hear loud talking and laughter muffled through the door as the rest of the guys got drunk and rode out their remaining adrenaline from the show. At one particularly obnoxious burst of laughter, he flinched.
Brad nudged him with a shoulder. "You ok?"
Closing his eyes for a second, he shook his head like he was trying to snap out of a trance. "Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking."
"Thinking about what?" Not wanting to seem intrusive, Brad added, "If you wanna talk about it."
"I don't know. Too much stuff all at once, I guess." Adam took a long drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke out into the night air before facing him. "Thanks for coming out here with me, by the way. I'm not trying to ignore you."
"Don't worry about it." He turned away for a second to get out a new cigarette of his own. It looked like they'd be staying outside for a while longer.
That suspicion was all but confirmed as Adam let them lapse back into thoughtful silence. Brad considered trying to start up a new conversation, but figured if he wanted to chat, he'd speak up. Maybe he wasn't the best at letting them know when something was wrong, but he'd always been able to carry a conversation when he wanted one. With the sounds of the rest of the guys partying inside becoming increasingly like a siren's call, Brad tried to find a more comfortable way to sit on the concrete. It was getting harder to suppress his fidgeting as his own thoughts started to stray to topics he tried not to focus on.
One particular topic was being persistent in asking for his attention. He was the only one Adam had asked to come outside. Of course he was. They were close friends. They'd been friends since high school, the same amount of time they'd both been friends with Neil, but Neil could get chatty. If Adam wanted to sit in the dark and enjoy some peace and quiet, then taking only one of them, and the quieter of the two at that, made sense. There was no reason for him to feel special about going to sit in the vacant backlot with the only entertainment being the bugs circling his head while the others were having a blast backstage. Yet, part of him did. It made him wonder, though. Was he just someone to drag along when everyone else was a distraction? Or was there something more to the invitation for only the two of them, out of the entire extended crew, to sit alone together?
A sigh brought his attention back. "It's harder than I thought coming back to this," Adam said out of the blue. "I never realized how many situations besides being high that I connected with the pills."
"Bad ones or good ones?"
"A mix of both. I don't miss having to constantly worry about where I'd have to go to score or to take them without getting caught, but in a fucked up way they made me feel more confident. Like I wouldn't be as cool or as fun if I didn't take them."
"You're more fun without them," Brad blurted, trying to play it off as nothing more than a casual comment by downing the last of his beer afterwards. He set the empty bottle between them as an impromptu ashtray.
Adam raised an eyebrow at him. "Is it really more fun to be out here staring at nothing than being inside partying?"
"No, he answered honestly. "But now you make staring at nothing tolerable. Before it would've been like sitting next to a mop."
That earned him a small laugh. "Good to know I'm more engaging than a mop these days."
"Still look like one sometimes with that hair, though."
"You're just jealous I have hair," Adam playfully retorted.
"I have hair, just not right now." Running a hand over his shaved head, Brad couldn't help grinning. It felt like it'd been years since they'd regularly joked around with each other, but it hadn't. The odd edge to it, and all of their interactions really, had vanished with Adam becoming sober. At least, the sharp, almost angry undertone was gone. A sweeter edge had taken its place. He wasn't brave enough to call it flirty. Not when his doubt told him it had to be one-sided.
Adam laughed, brief but more present than it'd sounded in a long time, then let the lull sink back in. In the silence, Brad's doubt was free to take over. How could Adam return the sentiment gnawing at him? Before he went to rehab even his love of music was falling to the wayside of his addiction, and months later there was still so much for him to focus on and reorganize in his life. On his list of things to worry about, Brad fretting over the meaning of every interaction they shared had to be at the very bottom. What kind of friend would he be if he derailed Adam's recovery with a selfish move like confessing when he couldn't tell if any of it was mutual? He knew Adam well enough to know that he wasn't against that sort of thing, and even sometimes it'd be a male fan that held his attention longer than the others, but that wasn't specific enough. There wasn't a way to bring it up without giving him another thing to worry about or otherwise putting a wedge in their friendship, if not outright ending it, at a time when he needed the support of close friends the most.
Brad didn't care that the moths above him got a strong dose of nicotine as he learned his head back and blew out a lungful of smoke to help surface from his thoughts. He rubbed underneath his eyes, then pinched the bridge of his nose to recenter. Only now that he was focused on being still again did he realize he'd been fidgeting too. The area around his lip ring tingled a little from him worrying the back of it with his tongue and his hand itched to go back to picking at a stray string sticking out of the bottom hem of his jeans. He needed a break from their break. Not that it was Adam's fault his thoughts were a mess, focus of them though he was, but sitting in silence and near isolation for much longer without at least another beer would drive him insane. Brad glanced at the door back inside. Except, his eyes didn't find the black of the metal door before they met a familiar blue.
Adam looked away abruptly, turning his focus to his water bottle. He picked at the label like it was the most interesting thing he'd seen all night, and that wasn't too unlikely with their chosen setting. Brad couldn't help thinking he'd done something irritating and Adam was too coy to bring it up. Maybe he'd been staring to try and get him to knock his fidgeting off, or said something that fell on deaf, distracted ears. That made getting another drink sound even better. Brad was about to get up, apologize if he seemed rude, and offer to bring another water back when he was caught off guard again. "You know I'm trying to be a lot more open with you guys now."
He took a casual puff of his cigarette, acting as if he hadn't been seconds away from leaving, although Adam's wary tone made him want to stay in case something was wrong. "Yeah."
"I've been wondering something, and, y'know, tell me if I'm completely off here." Adam continued, voice clear and cautious, "Do you ever feel like there's something more to it when we tease each other?"
"Yeah, for sure." Brad tried to sound neutral, not yet sure where the conversation was headed. His pulse had already spiked regardless.
"Are you ok with that?" The returned tone was equally neutral. Crinkling from the label underlined the nervous silence.
Taking another drag of his cigarette, Brad let the smoke shroud him for a moment as he tried to gather the courage to say something. Playing it off would make things worse. Maybe it'd ruin things, maybe it'd burden them both to know the other's true thoughts, maybe it was a set up to get him to out himself, but he had to take the chance. His heart raced as he admitted, "I'm more than ok with it. I actually like it."
"Oh. Good." The water bottle was finally set down as Adam, smiling, held his head in his hand. "I thought I was imagining things."
With a sigh, Brad let the tension drain from his shoulders. Part of him wanted to ask Adam to repeat himself, half out of doubt and half out of delight. "No, I thought that too," he said instead. "Kept wondering if it was just me or not."
"It's not." Adam faced him then, still smiling, icy eyes glinting in the weak light. "I've been thinking about you a lot since I went to rehab. I mean, yeah, of course. You're one of my best friends. But as I got better all these emotions I didn't realize I haven't felt for years came back, and this," he paused to make a vague gesture between them, "was part of it." Brad couldn't help laughing, almost regretting it as the smile fell away and he sharply asked, "What?"
"Just relieved. I wasn't sure what you'd think if I ever told you." Finishing the last bit of his cigarette, Brad put the end of it in the empty beer bottle, hand a bit unsteady from nerves. Adam stared as he did so, already thinking again.
"Do you want to try something then?" He asked as Brad balanced a new cigarette between his lips, ready to stay outside all night at that point.
"Like what?"
With a half shrug, he glanced down at his own almost finished cigarette. "I don't know, some sort of relationship."
Brad looked at him over the top of his opened lighter, frozen in place by the offer. "I'm up for it. Y'know, if you are." The small amount of extra light from the tiny flame illuminated Adam's expression as he broke into a giddy laugh. The newly lit cigarette almost fell to the ground as Brad couldn't help a grin in return. Any second he'd wake up to find he'd fallen asleep on the steps before their mutual confession could happen, or on the couch back inside with neither of his closest friends in sight, or even in his bunk on the bus with that night's gig still left to play.
If he was dreaming though, then it wouldn't feel so real as Adam put an arm over his shoulders. The gesture wasn't new, but the added meaning behind it was, and Brad leaned into it the way he'd been wanting to for what had felt like ages. Could he so clearly dream up the contrast between the chilled night air and the warm side he was tucked against? What about the smell of smoke, stale alcohol, and that expensive cologne Adam was wearing as the empty beer bottle was picked up and handed to him?
Adam held out his water bottle with only a sip or two left in it and mirrored their toast from earlier. "To new beginnings."
Brad tapped the beer bottle against it with a wide smile. "To new beginnings."