Archive of Our Own

Nick was driving home, the conversations about the new album playing in his mind. He pulled into a local supermarket car park to grab a pizza and late night nibbles.

He was pushing the trolley down the snack aisle when he realised the alcohol aisle was facing him. He stood in the aisle and felt the battle within him; did he stop or continue through?

As he looked at the various bottles, the various colours, shapes and patterns staring at him, taunting him, calling him, Nick’s phone started vibrating against his leg.

Pulling it out, he answered it with his eyes still on the aisle in front of him.
“‘Llo?” He said without looking at the screen.

“Yo, Carts, whatcha up to?” Kevin’s voice carried through lazily.
“I’m in the 7/11 staring down the booze aisle.” Nick answered.

Silence carried briefly down the line before Kevin replied, his voice more measured. “Ok bro, you going down it?”

“Thinking about it.” Nick shrugged, not that Kevin could see him. “Haven’t decided yet.”

Kevin gave a sigh down the phone; Nick could picture the pinched look on his face. “Grab some Mountain Dew instead, and some chips, and come over. We’ll write.”

“Thanks Kev.” Nick sighed, suddenly realising how tense he’d been. “I’ll be there in 20.”

Ending the call, still without taking his eyes off the bottles, Nick slowly turned around, picked up what Kevin had suggested and headed for the checkout .

***

Nick practically threw himself at Kevin when the front door opened. “Thank you.” He cried, the sound mumbled from where his face was buried in Kevin’s neck. “I would’ve caved.”

“I know bro,” Kevin said, his hand squeezing the back of Nick’s neck, his other pulling him closer at the waist. “I know, and I’m so proud of you that you didn’t. You were so strong.”

As Nick tightened his grip on Kevin, he could feel a warmth in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a while; someone was proud of him for something he’d done. Kevin was proud of him. KEVIN was proud of HIM.

“Coming in?” Kevin asked a few moments later. “Did you bring food?” He asked as Nick stepped away, a little embarrassed at how he’d clung onto Kevin.

“In the car, I’ll just get it.” He smiled.

***

Nick was sat out on the balcony, watching the fireflies flutter around. He couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he’d almost gone down the alcohol aisle. It wasn’t something he’d considered for a really long time.

“Pizza, dude?” Kevin asked, appearing at the side of him with two plates in one hand and a plate of pizza in the other.

Nick smiled up at him. “Cheers bro.” He said, grabbing the smaller plates from Kevin’s hand and putting it on the table in front of him.

They ate in silence for a few minutes.

“You know the view from here is stunning.” Nick commented, the lights of Hollywood in the distance, loving the peace and quiet up in the Hills.

“Well, thanks very much!” Kevin preened with a glint in his eye and dodged as Nick swatted him.
“That’s not what I meant! I mean, that’s true too…” He winked at Kevin who grinned back at him.

“Do you ever get lonely?” Nick asked, looking out at the view again.

Kevin looked at him surprised. “How do you mean? I wish I had time to get lonely!” He laughed.
Nick shook his head and shrugged. “I mean, without someone in you life other than the 4 of us?”
“And management, and record labels, and stylists…” Kevin added.
“I hate going back to an empty house, as nice as it is. It’s just somewhere I live, it’s not a home because there’s nobody there waiting for me.” Nick admitted.

Kevin shut his eyes for a moment. “Is that why you wanted a drink?” He asked, looking back at Nick.
“Not especially. I mean, I worked fucking hard to get clean and I don’t want to go back to that, but sometimes I feel like I need a bit of extra support.” He admitted.

Kevin moved his chair, turning it towards Nick, wincing as it scraped across the slab beneath. “You know you can always call me, don’t you?”

Nick sighed. “I feel like such a fucking failure sometimes. You’ve done this with me once before, after you left, you were the one who got me clean.”
“Nick, you did it yourself, you were the one who made the decision to get clean.”
“Because of that book you gave me and I looked in the mirror and realised that I didn’t recognise myself anymore.” Nick shrugged.

“Do you still feel like that?” Kevin asked.
“No. I like who I am now. I like where we are, where the band is, I just wish that sometimes I didn’t feel so lonely.”

“Would you have got a drink, if I’d not called you?” Kevin asked.
“I...I wanna say no, I really wanna say no, but I honestly don’t know. There’s a part of me that thinks I would’ve done, but then stared at it for hours without opening it.”

“Well, that’s a start!”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t have opened it!” Nick laughed.
“But you know how strong you are. The very fact that you’d have looked at the bottle for hours says so much about how far you’ve come. Years ago, you’d have bought it and finished it in the car park without even considering the consequences of drink driving.” Kevin told him.

Nick’s head hung down. “Fuck, I was such a mess. How I didn’t kill myself, or somebody else, when I was high or drunk, or fucking both, I’ll never know.” He said angrily.

“Hey, Carter, you’ve come a very long way in the last 8 years. It’ll be 10 years next month.” Kevin reminded him. “18th June 2008. The day you called me and told me you were going to get clean.”

“Did you believe me?” Nick asked, looking over at his friend.

Kevin had the grace to look away. “Not really. Like, I wanted to believe you, and I wished that I’d been there to help you, but … Brian rang me the next day to tell me that you’d sat them all down and I hoped that you were serious about it.”

“I hated myself.” Nick said simply. “I couldn’t go on being somebody I wasn’t.”

Kevin laughed dryly. “Well, I certainly know all about that!”
“Kev, you were incredibly brave.”
“No, I wasn’t.” Kevin shook his head vehemently. “I was a coward. I should’ve accepted that me and Kris were never going to work a lot sooner than I did - I broke her heart so many times, begging her to take me back, begging her that I could change, that I wasn’t gay…” He trailed off.

“We are who we are and we have to be true to ourselves. My therapist told me that in the first session.” Nick told him, grabbing another slice of pizza and taking a huge mouthful.

“Yes, and apparently you’re a fucking pig, eating like that!” Kevin laughed loudly.
“Ha fucking ha! We are all who we are meant to be.” Nick said. “We only have to answer to ourselves, not to other people, not to God, not that I’m taking anything away from your faith, but as long as when we go to our graves we know that we’ve been the best person we could have been, despite the circumstances, then that’ll get us wherever we want to go.”

“That’s deep.” Kevin commented.
“Yeah. Apparently sober me is deep and meaningful!” Nick laughed.

***

It was 5am when Nick stood up from the piano. “I need to sleep.” He announced.
“Come on, I’ll show you up.” Kevin said, biting back a yawn and rubbing his eyes.
“Nah, it’s ok, I should head home sometime.” Nick sighed.
“Sure? You safe to drive?” Kevin asked.

Nick nodded. “I live like 5 minutes from here. I’ll be fine dude.” He said, shaking his head to clear the fogginess.

Kevin walked Nick out to his car. “Wanna do this again tomorrow night? More writing?” He asked.
“Man, you don’t have to feel sorry for me.” Nick smiled, opening the car door.
“I don’t. I like the company.” Kevin grinned.
“You have very low standards.” Nick laughed.
“Don’t I know it!” Kevin agreed. “Drive safe. Three rings when you get home, ok, or I’ll be forced to come out and find you.”

Nick mock saluted. “Yes sir. Three rings when I get home.” He laughed. “Thanks dude, I needed this.” He admitted, yawning again.

“Go on Nicky, get home and get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow night, ok?” He asked, wrapping his arms around Nick’s neck and giving him a brief hug.

Nick rested his chin on Kevin’s shoulder and dropped a kiss on Kevin’s cheek as he pulled away. “See you tonight.” He said, getting into the car.

Kevin watched Nick drive out, and smiled to himself as he walked back inside. He was so proud of how far Nick had come and he knew he’d do anything to make sure that Nick never went down that path again.

***

Nick fell into bed 20 minutes later. He’d driven home very slowly, not wanting to end up in a ditch - he could just imagine the headlines and the irony of the fact that he’d managed to drive whilst high and drunk but couldn’t do it sober and clean.

He put the alarm on as he walked through the house, not bothering to turn any lights on. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, shielding his eyes from the light inside and headed up to his bed.

“Three rings.” He muttered to himself, finding Kev’s number, calling it, letting it ring three times and hanging up as he dropped into bed. He pressed a button on the table next to him and the blackout blinds came down, followed by the beige ones, plunging the room into near darkness.

His phone vibrated beside him and he peered at it as he kicked his shorts and t-shirt off.

“Glad you’re safe. See you tonight.” Kevin’s message read and Nick smiled to himself as he dropped his phone back onto the duvet, asleep seconds later.

***

Nick woke at 4pm later that day. Yawning, he grabbed his phone, his lock screen full of notifications. He saw a message from Kevin and swiped his thumb over the screen to open it.

“Are you bringing dinner?” It read. It had been sent a couple of hours ago.

Nick laughed, tapping out a reply. “Can do. Just woken up so I’ll grab something on the way. 8pm ok?”
Before he’d had a chance to close the app, he saw that Kevin was replying. “Course. See you later.”

***

One thing that Nick had managed to sustain since getting clean was eating healthily. Yes, he’d got pizza the night before, but he was tired from all their meetings. He’d had the luxury of sleep today and he didn’t want to put junk food into his body and make himself feel lethargic again.

He picked up some ingredients for a stir fry and grabbed some fresh fruit as he made his way to the checkout. He was aware of the alcohol aisle being close by but he took a deep breath and strode past it, refusing to even look at it.

***

“Man, you can cook!” Kevin exclaimed, digging into the stir fry a few hours later.
“It takes my mind off stuff sometimes.” Nick admitted, shovelling a forkful into his mouth.
“You should cook more.” Kevin told him.
“Don’t you cook?” Nick asked.

Kevin shook his head. “I mean, I can cook - I used to make a great roast when I was with Kris, but I can’t see the point of cooking for one.” He shrugged.
“Tell you what,” Nick said, swallowing his food. “I’ll come by tomorrow night and you can cook for me, haven’t had a roast in years!”

“Inviting yourself over! Well, keeps you out of trouble!” Kevin laughed.

They ate in companionable silence, plates almost spotless when they both finished.

“Do you miss having a drink? Like socially?” Kevin asked, grabbing two glasses of spring water as Nick shoved everything into the dishwasher.
“Not really. I mean, sometimes, if everyone else is - I feel kind of a buzzkill when, like tonight, you’re not drinking and I assume that’s because I’m here.”

“No, I mean, not really - I generally only have a drink if I’m out - I don’t want to drink alone, I think it’d make me too melancholy.”

“More, you mean!” Nick teased as he followed Kevin into his music room.
“Ha ha! Do you ever feel like you need a drink? Like really need one?”

Nick dropped down onto the sofa opposite the piano. “Not anymore. Remember Louise?” He asked.

Kevin thought for a moment. “Ex-girlfriend Louise, from, what 2 years ago?” He asked.
“Yep. She drank a lot. And I thought that I could keep up with her - told myself it wasn’t a problem, because we were drinking together and I never let myself get entirely out of hand, but she encouraged me to drink more than I was comfortable with.”

“Shit, man, is that why you broke up?” Kevin sounded surprised.
“Kinda. I was the one who broke it off - I mean, she knew I was clean and sober when she met me, but I think sometimes she made it into a challenge - see how much she could get me to drink, see how far over the line I’d push myself for her.”

“Wow. What a bitch.” Kevin remarked.
“I was so desperate to be with somebody that I let her though, I thought the only way to keep her was to keep up with her.” Nick admitted.

“Wasn’t that the only way to keep her though?” Kevin asked. “What sort of a person wants to destroy the progress you’d made? Fuck Nick, I’m glad I didn’t know that at the time because I’m not sure I’d have been able to stop myself telling her exactly what I thought of her!” Kevin snapped angrily.

Nick got up, sitting next to Kevin on the piano stool. “Hey, it doesn’t matter anymore. She’s gone, she can’t do me anymore damage.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? At the time?” Kevin asked.

Nick looked away, getting up and going back to the sofa. He’d always liked the sofa in Kevin’s music room. It was a dark maroon velvet Chesterfield sofa and it was long enough that he could lay out on it - his head resting on one end and his ankles crossed on the arm at the other end.

He laid down on it, shutting his eyes. “Because I handled it badly. I was doing solo stuff at the time, none of you boys were around, and I drank when she left. How’s that for ironic eh? I dumped her because she drank too much around me, and encouraged drugs which I never took,” he added, opening his eyes and looking directly at Kevin who was staring at him in disbelief “and then I drowned my sorrows in bottles and bottles of wine.” He shrugged, closing his eyes again.

Kevin sighed and then there was silence in the room for a few moments. “How long did you drink for?”
“Few weeks. Home alone, nothing going on, no BSB stuff, no solo stuff, I kind of had nothing going on and it was just easy, I guess.”

“How did you stop it?”
“AJ called me one day, wanting to know if he could stop by a few days later and I knew, out of any of you, he’d know the moment he saw me and unlike the rest of you, if he saw me like that, I knew what it could do him and I wasn’t so selfish that I was going to send him on the same fucking downward spiral that I was on.” Nick replied.

“So what did you do?” Kevin asked.
“I went to an AA meeting, I went home, I poured everything alcoholic down the sink, I showered, which I hadn’t done in days and I ran 10 fucking kilometres on the beach to have something else to concentrate on.” Nick laughed wryly.

“Wow! You hate running!” Kevin laughed.
“I know! He came three days later and I’d spent the whole time so fucking scared that he’d see through me the moment he saw me that it made me want to drink, and it was this stupid bloody vicious circle - I wanted to drink to get rid of the nerves I had about AJ seeing me and wanting to be sober.”

“Could he tell?” Kevin was interested to know.

Nick sighed. “He told me afterwards that he knew that something was off, but he’d not been able to put his finger on it - he said I’d had too much nervous energy! I told him a few weeks later. I think he was pretty hurt that I’d not confided in him, but pretty proud of the fact that he was the catalyst for me getting clean again.”

“How long has it been?” Kevin asked, his fingers running over the keys of the piano, pressing the odd one down every so often.

“Since I had a drink?” Nick asked, looking over at Kevin who nodded. “‘Bout 18 months.”

Kevin raised his eyebrows at him, waiting for Nick to speak.

“17 months, 3 weeks, 2 days and…” Nick looked at his watch “...about 12 hours.”
“Why didn’t you call me? When you went to your AA meeting? I’m meant to be your sponsor.” Kevin reminded him.

“No, you’re my band sponsor. I have a sponsor through my AA meeting too remember.” Nick told him.
“You could still have called me.” Kevin told him, playing a few notes on the piano and making notes on the music paper in front of him, writing something down in his lyric book next to the music sheet.

“I know, but you’d got me clean once before, I felt like I was letting you down. I was ashamed of myself.” Nick admitted. “New song?” He asked, nodding at the papers on top of the piano. “Let me hear it.”

Kevin watched him carefully for a few seconds, knowing that Nick didn’t want to talk about his problems any longer and he jerked his head back, “come listen.” He smiled.

***

The next day passed in a similar manner to the one before, Nick getting to bed at 4am and waking at 2pm and then heading over to Kevin’s to do some more writing. They’d got a lot done the night before and Nick was feeling a little lighter for having talked a few things out with Kevin.

“Smells pretty fucking awesome in here!” Nick called as he let himself into Kevin’s. He kicked his trainers off, dropping his things on a nearby table in the hallway and heading into the kitchen. “Fuck, did a bomb go off in here?!” He laughed as he saw that almost every surface was covered in either food, baking trays or plates.

“It appears that I may have lost my touch with a roast dinner!” Kevin laughed, almost dropping a hot roasting tin.

“Man, I’ve been looking forward to this all day!” Nick moaned with a grin.
“I can still rescue it - it’s just that not everything is gonna be ready at the same time!” Kevin grinned.

***

“I know the chicken was cold by the time the potatoes were done, but fuck me, that was amazing!” Nick sighed happily, kicking his legs in front of him to stretch his stomach out.
“I forgot how happy food can make you!” Kevin laughed.
“Feed me and I’m literally anyone’s!” He agreed with a grin.
“Have you dated, you know, since Louise?”

Nick shook his head. “Kinda didn’t want to for a long time. Now, it’d be nice to meet someone, someone who likes me for me, not for me being Nick from the Backstreet Boys, you know?”

Kevin nodded. “I really do!”
“What about you? Have you dated much since Kristin?” Nick asked.

Kevin shook his head. “No. Few one night stands here and there, but nothing more than that.”
Nick frowned. “You know there are literally people lining up around the block for you, right?”

“This industry is hard. It’s hard to meet someone genuine. There was …” Kevin trailed off, taking a sip of water. “There was somebody, his name was David. I think that could’ve been serious but - I’m not out Nick, not out to the world, only our bubble knows about me being gay, and it’s not what he wanted - he wanted to be with me and shout it from the rooftops but I can’t be out and I don’t want to live in the closet, I can’t expect someone to live like that for me either.”

“You could, you know. You know we’d all support you.” Nick said kindly.
“I know, but...maybe when I meet the one I’ll spend the rest of my life with, maybe then I’ll come out but for now…” Kevin paused. “Shall we tidy up and do some more writing? I did a bit more after you left last night to the song we started.”

Nick smiled. “Course.” He replied.

***

“What did Kristen say, when you told her about you and Alistair?” Nick asked the following night. They were back in the music room, Nick laid out on the sofa and Kevin at the piano.

Kevin let out a long sigh. “Fuck, I haven’t thought about that in a long time.”
“You don’t have to tell me, I just wondered.” Nick said hurriedly.
“It’s ok - you were still young at the time and I guess we all kind of wanted to protect you from what had happened, especially after, well...Lou.” Kevin said carefully.

Nick let out a shaky sigh. “I’m sure that’s where most of my problems stem from. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about that.” He said. “Not tonight. What happened with Kris?”

Kevin shut the lid of the piano, leaning his elbows on it. “I broke her fucking heart and I don’t think we ever recovered from it entirely.”
“Why did you get married?” Nick asked.
“I thought it was the right thing to do. She’d trusted me, so much and I let her down and I thought it was the only way to make things right.”
“Did you propose straight away?”

Kevin shook his head. “No. It was weeks later. I think I knew that it was the wrong thing to do at the time, but I didn’t want to lose her and I didn’t want to accept that I was gay either.”

Nick just looked at Kevin, waiting for him to continue, not feeling the need to say anything.

“She thought I was joking when I asked her. She laughed. And then she realised by the look on my face that I wasn’t and she kind of just looked shocked.”

“Did she say yes then?”
“No.” Kevin said, shaking his head. “She asked if she could have some time to think about it.”
“I assume you said yes to that!” Nick laughed.
“I didn’t have a choice. I thought that if she eventually said yes, that I’d be ok, that I’d never be tempted to cheat again and that I’d...I’d be straight, fuck me, how messed up does that sound now?” He laughed hollowly.

“Did you cheat on her again?” Nick wanted to know.

Kevin shook his head. “No. Never.”
“Were you happy?”
“For a few years, yes. And I was never tempted to stray again, never. But she knew me too well. She knew I wasn’t happy towards the end. It didn’t help that we tried to have kids and it didn’t happen.”
“A good thing in hindsight?”
“Maybe. Maybe not. If we’d had kids, we could’ve ended up fucking their lives up.”
“Or you could’ve been happy.” Nick suggested.

Kevin shook his head. “Maybe. I dunno.”
“Who caught you?” Nick asked, referring back to Alistair.
“Brian. You can imagine how well that went down!” Kevin laughed quietly. “He was so shocked, he didn’t really know what to do or to say. Howie happened to be with him too and … well, management found out and Alistair got kicked off the crew that night.”
“How did management find out?”

Kevin shrugged. “Brian told them.”
Nick’s eyes widened. “Fuck, really? Do you know why?”
“ Brian - his faith is very strong, you know that, and he probably felt that he needed to get rid of any temptation in my way and in his misguided attempt to do that, he told them so that Alistair would be fired.” He explained.

“How...I mean, did you tell Kristin? Or did she find out some other way?”
“No, no, I told her. Remember I disappeared for a few days? Fuck man, that was a nasty few days.”
“Were you…” Nick trailed off, unsure how to phrase his question. “Was it a one time thing with Alistair?”

Kevin shut his eyes. “I wanna say it was, but, no. Few times.” Kevin admitted.
“Did you always know that you liked men?”
“Not really. Kind of crept up on me when I met him - couldn’t take my eyes off him, he was beautiful.”
“Was he your first?”
“Yep.”
“Do you regret it?”
“Sleeping with him?” Kevin asked.

Nick nodded.

“No. I mean, yeah, it fucked things up a bit, but I think we are all where we are meant to be at any given time.”

***

“Bought taco stuff, that ok?” Nick says, by way of a greeting as he walked into Kevin’s music room the following evening.

Kevin looked up and frowned. “Where is it?”
“In the kitchen, I’ve been here 5 minutes trying to find you.” Nick grinned, draping his leather jacket onto the arm of the sofa and dropping down onto the sofa.
Kevin snorted with laughter. “Dude, I live in like three rooms in this house! Kitchen, here or the bedroom. I assume you just checked the kitchen?!”
“Yeah dude, but I also bought a change of clothes.” Nick grinned.

“For me or for you?” Kevin asked, confused.
“Me. Figured I’m here most nights, you’re sick of living alone and I hate it too so we can be miserable together!”
“So you’re just moving yourself in?!” Kevin laughed loudly.
“For now! So, tacos?”

***

“You know, the first time I went to therapy, I saw this woman, Caroline who, at the time, seemed really old to me - like in her 40’s, but when I look back on it, she probably wasn’t that much older than me. And I thought there was no way that she could even begin to help me. She was from Utah, she’d been through university, got all her degrees and shit, and had been a therapist for like 15 years, but I kept asking myself how she’d be able to help me after all the shit I’d gone through.” Nick said, back in his spot on the music room sofa as Kevin played the odd key, scribbling down notes and lyrics as Nick talked. “And then she asked me the first question.”

Kevin rested his elbows on top of the piano, looking over at Nick. “What was it?”
“She asked me ‘what brings you here?’ and you know what, it sounds so fucking stupid, because it was stupid, right? I mean, I knew why I was there but … man, I didn’t stop talking for a whole fucking hour! She barely got another question in!” He laughed.

“What did you say?” Kevin asked.
“I told her I was an addict, I was addicted to alcohol and drugs and I wanted to get clean but I didn’t know how to, that I didn’t want to go to rehab like AJ had done because I didn’t feel like I was as bad as AJ - I know, I was, you don’t need to tell me that.” Nick said, glancing over at Kevin. “I told her I wanted to do this by myself, prove to myself that I was stronger than I thought I was. I told her about my parents and man, I mean, the more I talked, the more and more fucked up I sounded.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “None of what happened to you, none of it, was your fault, you know that right?” He asked.

Nick shrugged his shoulders. “It kinda was. I chose to drink too much, I chose to snort stuff up my nose even though I could see what it was doing to AJ - I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be like him, but I was this geeky kid that none of you took seriously to start with and I felt like an outsider at the start.” He said, a look of realisation on his face. “Wow.” He breathed.

Kevin looked down at his notebook again. “What?”
“I never said that to her - that I felt like an outsider. I don’t know that I’ve ever even thought of that before. See! This is what therapy does to you! Shit comes out of your mouth that you didn’t even know was in your fucking brain!”

“You were always an equal part, you still are.” Kevin told him fiercely, dropping his pen and walking over to the sofa. He picked up Nick's legs, sat down and plonked Nick's stupidly long legs over his lap.

“I was still a kid - you were 21 and I was 13 - how could that be equal back then? Know what changed how I felt?” Nick asked, head tipped back on the arm of the sofa and his eyes closed.

“Tell me.” Kevin told him.
“It was the girls. Like, when we released Millennium, I was the cute one - I was the one that all the girls fancied and…”
“Woah, woah, woah, hold it there! They did not all fancy just you!” Kevin laughed, slapping Nick’s thigh and Nick opened his eyes to glare at Kevin.
“Yes, they did Kev. I’m still the cute one!” He ginned. “Anyway…” He said pointedly and Kevin rolled his eyes, moving his hand in a “do continue” motion. “I thought that as long as the girls fancied me, then I had some right to be in the band, I had some use.”
“Nick…” Kevin started.
“It’s true - I’m just telling you how I felt dude! It gave me some feeling of self-worth. And then I saw how many girls AJ was getting - I mean, I was getting a lot, don’t get me wrong, but he was having threesomes and probably more and I just, I wanted to be cool like him.”
“You know that AJ would be devastated if he thought he’d got you into drink and drugs, right?” Kevin asked carefully.

Nick nodded. “I know. But it wasn’t his fault. Ok, perhaps being around him gave me an in to where to get all the good stuff from, but he didn’t make me do it. I chose to do it. That’s the difference.”

Kevin nodded as he stroked Nick’s legs through his jeans. “I’m sorry if we, if I, ever made you feel like you didn’t matter.”

Nick laughed. “Didn’t say ‘didn’t matter’ but thanks for suggesting I didn’t!” He teased, leaning forward to ruffle Kevin’s hair.

“How long did you go to therapy for?” Kevin asked as Nick settled back down on the sofa.
“I’m still in it.” Nick said with a small shrug.
“Why?”
“Sometimes I need help working shit out, working out my feelings and working out what to do - I don’t have someone at home that can help me talk my problems out and …”
“You have us.” Kevin interrupted bluntly.

“Dude, I know, but you guys all have your own lives, you don’t need my shit as well.”
“Er, last time I looked, it was just me here!”
“Well, I think the fact that the last 5 nights have basically been free therapy means that I know that!” Nick laughed. “But seriously, Bri, Howie and AJ, they’ve all got kids, they’ve got wives and they don’t need my problems on top.”
“I can help.” Kevin sighed.
“I know, but sometimes the shit I have to deal with is management based, it’s band based, when we bicker - you know, we’re a family, that’s what we do and I need someone on my side.”
“I am on your side!”
“Someone impartial then, who doesn’t benefit from anything that I do.” Nick tried to explain.
“You matter. Ok? To me, you matter a lot Nick.” Kevin said sharply.

Nick looked at Kevin with a soft smile. “And I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Movie and popcorn?” He asked, swinging his legs off Kevin’s and standing up, stretching his body out.

“Way to change the subject!” Kevin laughed, standing up. “Yes, movie and popcorn. But first, I need to do this.” He said and he pulled at Nick’s wrist, pulling him close and wrapping his arms as tightly around Nick as he could manage. “You’ll always matter. You’ll always be equal. OK?” He asked.

Nick hugged back tightly. “Ok.” He agreed quietly.

***

Nick woke up, waving his hand around for the button on his bedside table to open the curtains and grunted in annoyance when he couldn’t find it. Opening his eyes, he let them adjust and he realised that he wasn’t at home, he was in Kevin’s guest room.

Stretching, he climbed out of bed. He’d stripped out of all his clothes when he’d gone to bed and he tripped over his jeans which were in a heap on the floor.

“Fucking...fuck it!” He snapped as he ended up sprawled over the floor.
“You alright?” Kevin’s voice floated through the air.
“Fell over my stupid jeans.” Nick tutted, clambering off the floor.

Kevin appeared at the door. “Do you always sleep naked in people’s guest rooms?”
Nick glanced down. “Sorry dude. Although, you know, I’m probably the hottest naked guy you’ve had in your house for a while!” He teased and Kevin rolled his eyes.

“When you’re dressed, if you and your ego would like breakfast at…” Kevin checked his watch “4pm, then I’ll make us some eggs.”

“‘K, give me like 20 minutes.” Nick grinned, stretching again, the muscles in his back cracking as he wandered into the en-suite.

***

“Ok, me and my ego are ready for breakfast!” Nick announced.
“Oh good, you’ve put some clothes on.” Kevin grinned as he held up a plate to Nick.
“Wow, this looks pretty damn good.” Nick exclaimed.
“You don’t need to sound so surprised!”
“Dude, cold roast chicken, remember?” Nick asked, sitting at the kitchen island and tucking into the eggs and avocado on toast.
“Would you like me to take your breakfast away?” Kevin asked, an eyebrow raised.
“No, don’t you dare! You know how fucking annoying I can be if I don’t eat.” Nick reminded him.

Kevin considered this for a moment. “That is true. Eat up!”

***

“Why’d you leave us?” Nick asked, sat at the piano a few hours later, Kevin on the sofa this time, his legs dangling over the edge.
“Dude, we’ve been over this.” Kevin said wearily.
“Did Kris ask you to leave?” Nick pressed.

“No. Christ, not at all. I think she’d have actually preferred it if I’d not left, probably wouldn’t have got divorced!” Kevin laughed sadly.
“Did you leave for her?”
“Partly.” Kevin agreed.
“What was the other part?”

Kevin gave Nick a measured look before shutting his eyes. “I felt suffocated sometimes.”
“By us?” Nick asked, surprised.
“Yeah. There was no downtime, we’d been on this rollercoaster for years with no proper breaks and sometimes I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

Nick nodded, fiddling with the pen on top of the piano. “Suppose AJ and I didn’t help that very much?”
“Dude, I don’t think you and AJ knew what you were doing most of the time.” Kevin told him. “I cared too … so much, and to watch you both destroy yourselves was … I couldn’t watch it.”

“So...it was my fault?” Nick asked quietly.

Kevin’s eyes shot open and he sat up. “That’s not what I said. But,” he shrugged, knees wide as he leant his elbows on them “it didn’t help, watching two people I love so much basically try and kill themselves.”

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself!” Nick replied hotly.
“Fucking looked like it from where I was standing sometimes Carter and it nearly broke my heart.” Kevin snapped.

They looked at each other for a moment and as Nick opened his mouth to say something, the doorbell rang.

“Expecting somebody?” Nick asked.
Kevin frowned. “No.” He replied.

Nick stood up. “I’ll go - it’ll confuse the hell out of whoever it is!” He laughed.

Brian frowned at Nick as the door was pulled open, and then he looked over his shoulder out to the driveway. “Am I...this...fuck, have I gone mad?!” He laughed.

Nick grinned at Brian. “Yes, this is Kev’s house, I’m just here writing!” He laughed.
“Oh, cool!” Brian grinned, walking in as Nick stood aside.
“Hey, what you doing here?” Kevin grinned, giving his cousin a tight hug.
“Came to check up on you - haven’t heard from you in days!”
“You didn’t come all the way from Georgia, did you?!” Nick exclaimed.
“No, you muppet! I’ve been doing management crap.” He said, rolling his eyes and Nick and Kevin nodded their heads in sympathy.

“I, er, I bought beer.” Brian said, holding up bag with a few bottles. “I didn’t know you’d be here.” He said apologetically to Nick.

“It’s ok, you guys know you can drink around me, it’s fine.” Nick said but he saw the shake of Kevin’s head at Brian. “Look, I think I’m gonna head up, I’m pretty whacked.” He said.
“You only woke up at 4pm!” Kevin laughed.

“What? Have I missed something? Have you moved Nick in?!” Brian teased.
“No, he moved hisfuckingself in!” Kevin laughed.
“It makes sense! He can’t cook for shit and I’m lonely on my own so…” Nick shrugged.
“I can cook! I made you an excellent breakfast!” Kevin pretended to look shocked.

Brian looked between the two of them in amusement. “You two are fucking weird!” He laughed. “Look, don’t go because of me. We can put these away.” He told Nick, indicating the beer.

Nick swallowed. “You don’t have to…”
“Nick, you can tell him, it’s ok.” Kevin told him gently.
Nick looked at Kevin in surprise. “Tell him what?” He asked, knowing full well what Kevin meant.
“About your…wobble?” Kevin suggested.
“Did you have a drink?” Brian asked quickly, putting the bottles out of Nick’s sight as the three of them walked into the kitchen.

“No, but I wanted one.” Nick admitted.
“But you didn’t?” Brian clarified.
“No, Kev happened to ring me at the right moment, and I told him and he told me to come here…” He shrugged.
“And pretty much hasn’t left since!” Kevin laughed, trying to ease the tension he knew Nick was feeling.
“Not true! I went home the first few nights!” Nick grinned.
“And then brought a bag of clothes with you yesterday! Which, by the way, I am not washing for you!”

***

When Nick woke up the following day, it was only lunchtime. Brian had still been there when he’d fallen into bed at midnight, so he wasn’t sure if Kevin would be up yet.

When he finally made it downstairs an hour later, there was no sign of anyone and Brian’s car wasn’t in the driveway, so he assumed that Brian had left. Nick opened the fridge, but there wasn’t a lot of food, so grabbing his car keys, he headed for the local supermarket.

***

Nick wandered the aisles, deliberately making sure he didn’t go anywhere near the alcohol aisle. He’d got a trolley full of food which he estimated would last them at least 5 nights if he froze some of the meat and fish. He chuckled to himself; a few years ago, he’d been living on pizza and pop tarts and could barely cook toast and now he found himself almost domesticated. He’d picked up toilet rolls, dishwasher tablets, Kev’s favourite juices and coffee and even some flowers to brighten up the kitchen.

***

“Was beginning to think you’d moved out.” Kevin gave Nick a small smile as he opened the door a couple of hours later.
“Have only just moved in!” Nick laughed, passing some heavy bags to Kevin and heading back to the car.

“Did you buy the entire supermarket?” Kevin asked in disbelief at the amount of bags covering his kitchen floor.
“No, just necessities.”
“For how long? The apocalypse?”
“Ha fucking ha, you don’t have any store cupboard stuff.” Nick explained, pulling out bags of coconut flour and jars of herbs and spices.

Kevin rapped his knuckles over Nick’s forehead. “Who are you and what have you done with my Nick?!” He laughed. “Seriously, what do you even know about store cupboard stuff!” He unpacked a few bags. “What the hell is the quinoa and black rice for?” He asked suspiciously as Nick took it from him and put it in an empty cupboard.

“Dinner.” Nick grinned. “And we’re both cooking.”
“Flowers?! Babe, you shouldn’t have!” Kevin grinned, kissing Nick’s hair mockingly as the other man ducked away from him.

“Fuck off! I just thought they’d brighten the place up a bit!”
“Well, it’s very romantic of you, I’m touched!” Kevin teased.

Nick threw a packet of herbal tea bags at him. “Fucker!” He grinned.
Kevin threw the tea bags on the worktop and continued unpacking bags. “You got my coffee?” He asked, surprised - he hadn’t even noticed he was almost out of it.
“Yep, and some of those cold pressed juices you had in the fridge too. Wasn’t sure what you liked, so got a few of each.” Nick told him with a shrug as Kevin pulled out 12 glass bottles of LA Press juices.
“I’m impressed you even knew what juices I drink!” Kevin laughed, opening the fridge and putting them inside.
“Dude, I’m not a complete slob, I do pay attention sometimes!” Nick grinned.

***

Kevin surveyed the kitchen a couple of hours later. He could barely see any surfaces.

“I know you made fun of me when I made a roast, but seriously man, could you make any more mess in here?” He asked with a smile.

Nick frowned at him. “Do you want me to cook you something healthy, rather than having takeouts or frozen pizza all the time?” He asked.
“Well, yes, but I’d also like a kitchen that doesn’t look like a bomb has hit it!” Kevin laughed.
“Just fuck off and go and write or something and let me finish in peace.” Nick shooed him away.
“Are you kicking me out of my own kitchen?!” Kevin laughed as Nick smacked a tea towel against his arse.
“Yes, I am - go!”

***

“That, dude, was fucking delicious. What the fuck was it?!” Kevin asked as he dropped his fork which clattered onto the empty plate.

“Coconut flour salmon fish cakes and cumin scented quinoa and black rice.” Nick told him proudly as he finished his last mouthful.
“Fucking amazing dude, you can stay forever if you’re gonna cook like this every night!”

***

“You know, I…” Kevin started and then stopped. They were sat in his music room, the doors open onto the patio and for a change, Nick was laying on a sun lounger instead of the sofa, humming to himself as Kevin played the piano.

Nick tipped his head backwards, looking at Kevin upside down. “Hmm?” He asked.
“For a long time, I couldn’t forgive myself for leaving you, leaving the band, when you were so broken.” Kevin said, scribbling something down on the paper in front of him.

Nick sighed and tipped his head back down. “Dude, we’ve been over this - you had nothing to forgive yourself for.” He told him, swinging his legs around so he was sat up on the side of the sun lounger.
“Oh I did.” Kevin told him. “I could see what was happening to you, I’d seen it happen to AJ, and I still left.”
“You had your reasons.” Nick told him with a shrug.
“Maybe, but I shouldn’t have gone, not when you needed…” Kevin trailed off.

Nick twisted his hands together. “You...if you hadn’t sent me that book, when you did, I don’t know where I’d be right now. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be in your house and I suspect it could’ve been in a grave.” He told Kevin. “You might feel guilty, have felt guilty, I dunno, but that book turned my life around and it came exactly when I needed it. You could’ve stuck around with the band and not given me that book, tried to help in other ways, and I might not have listened. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

“Doesn’t mean I didn’t hate myself for it for a very long time. I’m supposed to be your friend and I walked away when you needed me.”

Nick stood up and went and sat on the piano stool with Kevin. He put his head on Kevin’s shoulder, the fingers of one hand on the piano keys. “You’re here now. That’s what matters.” He murmured, pressing down on a few keys.

***

“You know that the book saved my life, don’t you?” Nick asked the following night. They’d had a late night the night before, and the sun was almost coming up when Nick had finally rolled into bed. Kevin had woken him at 3pm, suggesting they had a swim.

“Which one?” Kevin asked distractedly as he sighed in frustration at his fingers not working on the piano as he wanted them to.
“Which one?!” Nick laughed. “Why Some Positive Thinkers Get Results. Sound familiar?!” Nick asked him from the sofa where he was scribbling lyrics down that he’d thought of in bed last night.
“Oh!” Kevin looked up and smiled. “I think that’s a little over dramatic!” He grinned.
“It did!” Nick protested. “I said it last night, it came exactly when I needed it. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know where I’d be now without it.”

“I just, I needed to help you somehow.” Kevin shrugged, as if it was nothing. “I couldn’t be there, I was dealing with my own stupid, fucked up life, but I knew you needed something and I’d read it before and thought it might help you. I didn’t quite expect it to help as well as it did.” Kevin admitted.

“I felt like I mattered to somebody. The others would kill me for saying this, but I didn’t feel like I mattered to any of them. I know, I know!” Nick cried, holding his hands up in surrender as Kevin looked at him, annoyance written all over his face. “I know they did, I know you did, but I didn’t feel it at the time.”

There’s silence for a few moments. “When you left, I felt like you abandoned me.” Nick said very quietly, pen hovered over a word in his lyric book.

“What?” Kevin breathed heavily.
“Since I was, like, 7, I …” Nick stopped. “Ok, I can’t look at you when I tell you this.” He said, closing his lyric book, putting the pen down on top of it and swinging his legs onto the sofa, lying back and closing his eyes. “You know how fucked up my family is. You’ve seen it all, you’ve been there through all the lows and the lowers, there were no fucking highs.” Nick laughed bitterly. “You, and Bri, Aje and Howie have been my family for 25 years. I love you guys more than I love them. You’ve always been there, there was nothing that you guys wouldn’t do for me when it came to family stuff. You guys stayed with me when I was inconsolable, you guys would make sure I was ok when I came back to a hotel off my face high on booze and drugs. And then you left.” Nick said, blinking back the tears that had sprung to his eyes.

“Nick...I….” Kevin said, utterly defeated by what Nick was telling him.
“It was like my dad leaving. You were like a parent to me, you took care of me and you fucking left Kev and it broke my heart.” Nick said angrily. “It’s like you didn’t care anymore, like you gave up on me.”

Kevin looked at Nick in disbelief, watching the other man angrily wipe away tears. “Nick. I cared too much. That’s one of the reasons I had to walk away from the band.”

“When you sent me that book, there was a piece of me that told me that you cared, and I wanted you to realise that I wasn’t worthless and so I read the book in like, 2 days.”

Kevin got up from the piano. He hesitated momentarily but when Nick opened his eyes and glanced over at him, he strode over. “How fucking stupid are you?” He asked with a wry smile and Nick looked up at him surprised.
“Erm, on a scale of like 1-10?” He asked, unsure.
“Yes.” Kevin said. He pushed at Nick’s shoulders so the blonde sat up and Kevin sat down, pulling Nick back down onto his lap.
“In general, or tonight?” Nick asked.
“In general?”
“I feel like this is a test!” Nick laughed tearily. “A 3? Maybe a 4? Christ Kev, I dunno!”
“Tonight, you’re about a 100. And every single other time you’ve ever thought I abandoned you. 100, Nick. A lot of what I did, leaving, was not just about me. I didn’t want to leave you, or AJ, in the messes that you were in, but sometimes you have to let people you love be, let them make their own mistakes because otherwise you can be resented for it.”

***

Kevin grinned as he picked up his phone. “Hey dude, how’s it going?” He asked, answering AJ’s call.
“Yo. I’m good. You?” AJ replied.
“Yep, done quite a bit of writing.” Kevin said proudly.
“Have you seen Nick?” AJ asked
“Yes he’s right here.” Kevin said, frowning a little.

“Where’s here?” AJ demanded.
“In my kitchen creating one hell of a mess.” Kevin laughed, surveying the mess. Nick had told him what he was making for dinner, but it sounded complicated and in all honesty, he’d forgotten what it was. It could have involved some chicken, he wasn’t sure.

“Why is Carter in your kitchen?” AJ asked suspiciously.
Kevin rolled his eyes, “Cooking?”
“Why is he cooking?”
“Because it’s dinner time and we’re hungry.” Kevin answered evenly, wondering why AJ sounded so pissed off.

“But why is HE cooking?”
“Because I did a roast and fucked it up. Seriously AJ, what’s with the questions?”
“Seriously Kev, why so defensive?” AJ said mockingly.
“Did you call for a fucking reason AJ?” Kevin snapped.
“Yes, to find Carter, because nobody can get hold of him, and Brian’s tried calling you a few times and you’re not answering either and now we find out that you’re holed up together.” AJ snapped.

“Oh.” Kevin deflated immediately. “He’s been here for days.” He told AJ.
“Days?” AJ asked.
“He’s not still fucking there is he?!” Kevin suddenly heard Brian’s voice in the background.
“Yes, he’s still here. We are writing.” Kevin said, looking over at Nick who had a questioning look on his face.
“Sure that’s all you’re doing?!” AJ suddenly teased.
“What the fuck else would we be doing?!” Kevin laughed before he got the meaning to AJ’s question. “Oh fuck off, don’t be gross!”
“Well, he’s very pretty Kev…” AJ laughed. “I mean, I’d tap that arse if he’d only let me!”
“Right, I’m going now. Goodbye!” Kevin laughed.

“AJ being gross?” Nick said in mock horror. “Who’d have guessed! What did he want?”
“Apparently people have been trying to get hold of you and you’re not answering. Which. I haven’t seen you with your phone for days, and normally you’re physically attached to that thing to the point I thought we’d need to get it surgically removed.” Kevin teased.

Nick threw a cucumber at Kevin’s head.

***
“Remember when you, me and AJ went to London and got spotted by the fans at the airport?” Nick suddenly grinned at Kevin later that evening. They’d given up on writing for the evening, both too tired to concentrate so they were sat on Kevin’s balcony, watching the flickering lights of Hollywood beneath them.

Kevin let out a small laugh. “Yeah, fuck, I thought those fans were going to die of excitement!”
“Well, they’d not seen you with us for a long time, they had every right to be excited.” Nick reminded him. “And it was only a couple of months before we told the world that you were officially a Backstreet Boy once more.”

“It’s so weird that people were so obsessed with the fact though that we must have fallen out, we must have been fighting. And then when they saw the three of us at the airport, they thought we were back together again - sounds like a relationship! I just liked hanging out with you guys. 6 years is a long time to be away from people you’ve been around for so long.”

Silence fell over them again as they watched the lights below.

“Fancy going for a hike tomorrow?” Nick asked and Kevin frowned at him.
“Why on earth would I want to do that?” He laughed.
“It’ll be good for us. We’ve been cooped up here for a few days, it’ll clear our heads.”
“Need I remind you that you were the one who moved yourself in here!”
“Come on Kev, come on a hike with me, please?!” Nick grinned, fluttering his eyelashes dramatically at Kevin and leaning forward in his chair.

“Oh my god, how does that seriously work on people?!”
“Please, please, please Kev…” Nick pleaded, his voice on the edge of flirtatious.

Kevin shook his head. “I don’t have much hiking gear here.”
Nick smiled smugly as he settled back in his chair, knowing Kevin would cave.

***

“Come on lazy bones, if you’re not down here in 5 minutes, I’m gonna come and drag your sorry arse out of bed!” Nick hollered up the stairs at Kevin the next day.

“Keep your fucking hair on.” Kevin grumbled, pulling a black t-shirt over his head as he grabbed his hiking boots from a cupboard on the landing and then headed downstairs. “Why aren’t you dressed to hike?” He asked halfway down, seeing that Nick was in jeans and a t-shirt.

“Well, I didn’t pack hiking gear when I came to stay, so we need to stop my house.” Nick said in his best ‘obviously’ voice. “Won’t you be hot in that?” He commented, seeing that Kevin was in a black t-shirt and a black pair of loose shorts with yoga shorts underneath.

“Don’t fret, I’ll be fine. I have done this before.” Kevin grinned, ruffling Nick’s hair to annoy him as he walked past.

“Fuck off, leave my hair alone.” Nick grumbled.
“Yes, because you’re going to go hiking and come back looking as immaculate as you do now, not hot or sweaty or anything.” Kevin rolled his eyes at Nick as he sat down to put his boots on. “What’s in the bag?” He asked, nodding at the bag by the door.

“A picnic.” Nick grinned.
“How fucking long is this hike going to be Carter?!” Kevin groaned, standing up and wiggling his toes, having forgotten how uncomfortable hiking boots could be.
“Just shut up and enjoy it! Oh, and you’re carrying that too.” Nick smiled, pushing his feet into his trainers.
“Why?!”
“Because I made it.” Nick told him matter of factly. “Come on, or we’ll miss the sunset.”

“Sunset?” Kevin mouthed at Nick’s retreating back.

***

It was 3pm when Nick turned the engine off, having parked up at Runyon Canyon Park. It had taken Nick an age to find his hiking gear at his house and it was later than planned.
“Can’t believe it’s going to be dark when we come back.” Kevin groaned as he climbed out of the car.
“Oh quit whining Richardson!” Nick laughed. “Come on, otherwise we won’t be there in time.”
“How long is it going to take?” Kevin wanted to know.
“About an hour and a half, and then I thought we could just chill out for a couple of hours.” Nick told him, grabbing his rucksack and passing the other, with the picnic in, to Kevin.

“I’m not sure I like sober Nick.” Kevin winked at Nick as he put the rucksack over his shoulders.

Nick looked at him in surprise. “What?”
Kevin rolled his eyes at Nick. “I don’t mean...you’re a complete health freak now - I can’t believe you got me on a hike, that’s all.” He explained.

Nick laughed. “You wait until I get you to the gym.”
“No fucking way.” Kevin grumbled as he started to follow Nick.

***

An hour in and Kevin thought he was going to die before they got to wherever Nick was leading them to.

“Why is it still so fucking hot?” He asked as they paused at a bench to have some water.
“I dunno - wasn’t expecting it to feel so hot up here.” Nick agreed as he slipped his rucksack off his shoulders and pulled his t-shirt over his head, scrunching it into a ball and shoving it into his bag.

“Thanks.” He said, taking the bottle of water from Kevin as he poured the rest of the bottle over his head, the water cascading down his chest. “Fuck, that’s better.” He sighed.

Kevin’s breath hitched a little and he turned away from Nick, staring at the view in front of him instead.

“Come on, nearly there and then I’ll let you rest.” Nick grinned, putting the rucksack on his back and pulling on Kevin’s hand to get him moving.

“I hope you bought something to sleep under, because there’s no way you’re gonna get me back down here tonight.” Kevin complained, stumbling over a rock and it was only because Nick grabbed his waist that he didn’t end up on the floor. “Thanks.” He mumbled, embarrassed.

“Nope! Come on, imagine how good you’re gonna feel when we get to the top!” Nick grinned, steadying Kevin and then walking in front of him to lead the way.

Kevin followed him in silence, AJ’s comment from yesterday filtering into his consciousness.

***

“Ok, so you were right, was pretty spectacular, the sunset.” Kevin conceded as they got back into Nick’s car at 10 o’clock. “However, may I remind you that you and I both live in houses in the Hills and we could’ve just watched it from my deck.”
“Where’s the fun in that?!” Nick grinned back, pulling his screwed up t-shirt over his head before he slid into the driver’s seat.
“Well, the fun is that you don’t have to go on a fucking hike to see it.” Kevin replied.
“Oh, you enjoyed it! Don’t deny it, I know you too well!” Nick laughed.

“I’m gonna crash at mine I think tonight.” Nick told him as they arrived back at Kevin’s a little while later.
“Oh?” Kevin asked, surprised.
“I’ve got no more clean stuff so makes sense - I’ll come back tomorrow, if that’s alright?” He asked.

Kevin smiled. “Dude, you know it is. As long as you bring food.” He teased.

***

It was gone midnight when Kevin finally crawled into bed. He’d showered after Nick had left and had a couple of beers, making the most of Nick not being there for the evening.

He couldn’t get AJ’s comment from the day before out of his mind and he was beyond frustrated with himself. He’d never even thought about Nick in that way … well, that wasn’t strictly true but he didn’t really want to think about it. When he’d left in 2006, he was aware of the fact that cared too much about Nick, but he’d always suppressed those feelings down, telling himself he was just worried, that there wasn’t any attraction, but he knew deep down that that wasn’t strictly true.

When Nick had taken his t-shirt off earlier, and poured water over himself, Kevin felt like he’d been hit with a thunderbolt of realisation and it scared him to death. There was absolutely no way on earth that falling for Nick was going to end well.

He groaned as he felt his cock fattening as he thought about how the water had run over Nick’s chest, clinging to his shorts as it ran down.

“Traitorous fucking…” Kevin trailed off, his left hand wrapping around his cock and he let out a gasp. Shutting his eyes, he shuffled down the bed a little, head resting on his pillows as he bent his knees, heels digging into the mattress as he stroked himself to hardness. He knew that he was ultimately going to make things worse but all he could picture in his mind’s eyes was Nick topless, wet and sweaty and he groaned as he pushed into his own hand.

He tried thinking of something else, someone else, but as soon as he did so, his cock would begin to lose interest in what he was doing and instead of being grateful for that, Kevin found himself working himself into a bit of a frenzy thinking of Nick and his orgasm hit him almost out of nowhere, Nick’s name slipping from his lips and he collapsed, panting on the bed, his hand and stomach striped with come and he shut his eyes. “Fuck.” He moaned. “I’m so screwed.”

***

“What’s wrong with your hands?” Kevin asked as he opened the door to Nick the following lunchtime and Nick frowned at him.

“Erm...nothing?” Nick replied, glancing down at the hand with a bag in it.
“Just normally you let yourself in.” Kevin smiled, not quite able to look directly at Nick. He’d spent the hour he’d been awake trying to deal with the mini crisis going on inside his head.
“Oh! Well, I thought it would be polite to knock!” Nick grinned, holding up a bag to Kevin.
“What’s this?” Kevin asked suspiciously, seeing the word ‘sushi’ on the side of the bag.
“What’s it look like?” Nick smiled sweetly at Kevin.
“Raw fucking fish.”

Nick laughed loudly. “Oh my god, come on! It’s just sushi!”
Kevin peered into the bag. “Just sushi?” He asked.
“Well, I might have something else…” Nick teased.

Kevin’s eyes lit up, his awkwardness slipping away like it had never existed. “Like?”
“I mean, it depends on how nice you’re gonna be to me…” Nick trailed off, sliding past Kevin and into the hallway.
“Carter. There’d better be something other than sushi or I’m kicking your arse out.” Kevin told him, a glint in his eyes.

“Just as well I bought tacos then too!” Nick laughed, handing Kevin the bag he’d had hidden behind his back and Kevin snatched it from him, pressing a kiss to Nick’s cheek before he was even aware of what he was doing.

“Plates?” He asked, pulling back, very aware of what he had in fact done and not sure what to do next.

***

“What was it like, telling everyone you were an addict?” Kevin asked later that evening.
“Pretty fucking horrible!” Nick let out a bubble of a laugh from his usual spot on the sofa. “Although, I’m not sure it was as bad as admitting it to myself.” He added.
“How did you tell them? I mean, I remember you ringing me and telling me, but I know you told them first.”
“I couldn’t have told you first. I knew there was going to be that ‘sad, disappointed Kev’ look and I needed to be strong enough for that!”
“Nick, you cried like a fucking baby when you told me!” Kevin laughed.

Nick glared at Kevin. “Yeah, I know, but…”
“You were strong, I’m only messing with you, you know that.” Kevin told him kindly.
“I remember calling them all to my suite at whatever hotel we were at. It was 4am. I’m fucking amazed they turned up.”
“I guess they were worried.”

Nick nodded and sighed. “Yeah. They were. The three of them all sat in a row on a sofa in the suite, waiting for me to tell them whatever it was I’d dragged them out of bed for. I paced around, totally shit scared that they were going to kick me out of the band, that I was about to fuck up my life for good. AJ stood up, announced he was going to go back to his bed until I’d got my shit together and I just…I told them I was an addict and that I needed some help and I remember falling onto the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and then them all being on top of me, pulling me to them, hugging me, telling me they’d get me through it.”

Tears swam in Nick’s eyes as he remembered how relieved he’d felt. “I was so fucking scared.” He said, wiping at his eyes. “How did you feel when you told us you were gay?”

“I mean, I guess you guys pretty much knew, you all knew about me and Alistair.” Kevin smiled wryly.
“When did you know you were gay? And not just bi?” Nick asked, looking over at him.
“I think when I realised I couldn’t make it work with Kristin. We tried so hard for such a long time and … I mean, she was fucking awesome and I knew I didn’t want her the same way I want men.”
“Were you scared to tell us?”

Kevin shrugged. “Yeah. I didn’t know how Brian would take it. Just because he was family didn’t mean that he was going to accept it. I thought you’d be ok with it. I knew AJ would be fine!” He let out a small laugh. “Howie could’ve gone either way although he’s always so supportive of everything we do that I thought he’d be ok. But the night before I told you all,” Kevin paused “I barely slept at all. You think that you know people, that you know what people will say, but there’s always that worry of how they’ll actually react.” He admitted.

“Dude, I was always going to be cool with it. I love you for who you are, not who you choose to take to bed.” Nick told him honestly.

Kevin smiled. “And that means a lot. Just because I’m gay doesn’t change the person I am, the morals I have or the way I treat other people. How does it feel, like now, telling somebody that you need a drink? Like, how did you feel when I called you last week and you told me that you were staring down the booze aisle?”

Nick looked back up at the ceiling. “Like a fucking failure.” He admitted. “But I know I’m not - the fact I admitted it means that I’m not but I’m still not certain what I’d have done if you’d not called me.” He admitted.

“Do you think that you might have driven past here and stopped, because you wanted somebody to tell you no?” Kevin asked.

Nick thought about it for a moment. “Maybe. I mean, your house is pretty much on my way home so if I’d thought about where I was, I might have come here, but in all honesty, I’d have been so preoccupied with what was in the trunk of the car, that I’d have probably gone straight home.”

“I’m glad I called you that night.” Kevin smiled over at Nick.

Nick looked back at Kevin. “So am I.”

***

“Wow, this looks incredible Nick.” Kevin grinned as he sat down on the deck to a plateful of lasagne and garlic bread.
“Well, I thought you’d put up with enough of my health food shit so I thought in order for you to allow me to stay, I’d best cook you some carbs!” He laughed, loading his plate with enough food to feed a small town. “And the garlic bread is so garlicky that it’s just as well we are both single!”

“Is it different, kissing a guy?” Nick asked as he put his knife and fork down, his meal almost finished.

Kevin spat out the mouthful of food he’d just taken. “Fuck, sorry!” He gasped, grabbing his water and rinsing his mouth clean. “I wasn’t expecting that!” He laughed, embarrassed, wiping the food up off the table and dumping the napkin onto his plate.

Nick shrugged. “It’s ok - sorry, I should have waited until you’d finished.” Nick apologised, staring out at the view.
“Erm, no, not really. I mean, it can be a bit more forceful, a bit more demanding than kissing a woman, there can be stubble, but nah, not really.” Kevin answered, watching Nick out of the corner of his eye. “Why’d you wanna know?” He asked curiously.

Nick shrugged. “Dunno really. I mean, I’ve wondered about it sometimes.”
“Kissing a guy?” Kevin asked quietly.
“Yeah. I mean, what’s the difference between being bi or gay and appreciating how another man looks?”

Kevin blew out a breath. “Kristin used to say to me that she could look at a woman and think she was stunning without feeling anything, like an attraction I guess. I told her that I could look at a guy and wondered how he might feel under the clothes, or how he might kiss and she said that probably made me bi at the very least!”

Nodding, Nick smiled. “I...I guess I’ve thought about that before.” He admitted.

Kevin’s heart raced in his chest and he took a long drink of water before he replied.

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I knew you’d say that!” Nick laughed, leaning over and punching Kevin on the arm. “I mean, it’s crossed my mind, wondering what it’s like.”
“Have you ever wanted to?”
“Sometimes. I mean, women still do it for me, definitely.” He grinned, winking over at Kevin. “But I do wonder sometimes.” He told Kevin with a wry smile. “Is that ok, to wonder?”

Kevin looked at him surprised. “Of course it’s ok to wonder Nick. It’s ok to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, whether you like men, or women or both.” Kevin told him. He was quiet for a few moments, trying to push his own feelings aside and help Nick. “Is there somebody specific, or just, in general?”

Nick shrugged. “Nobody specific, really, I guess.” He told him and Kevin couldn’t help the disappointment that settled. “Male or female! Wish there was sometimes - remember that first bite of excitement, when you realise you fancy someone, and you watch and evaluate everything they say, everything they do, every time they even glance in your direction. Man, I miss that. Don’t miss the rejection though that sometimes comes with it.” He grinned.

Kevin let out a loud laugh. “Like you’ve ever been rejected Carter!”
“I have! I mean, ok, fine, not often, but it’s happened!” Nick grinned smugly.
“Modest to the very core aren’t you?!” Kevin grinned back. “I know what you mean though. The way your heart races when you see them, when you brush past them, or there’s a touch and you wonder…” Kevin trailed off as Nick looked at him softly.

“Is there someone now?” Nick asked.

Kevin shook his head. “No, not really. I mean, I guess we’re always attracted to somebody in some capacity, it can be a “I think they’re cute and it’d be nice to spend some time with them” to “I can’t stop thinking about them”, but it’s nothing like that.”

“Want some ice cream?” Nick asked, pushing his chair back and Kevin couldn’t have been more grateful for the change in conversation.

***

Kevin banged his head on the back of his bedroom door several hours later. He and Nick had struggled to get much writing done and he knew on his part it was because of Nick’s admission earlier that evening. Kevin had spent the evening trying to work out whether he did have feelings for Nick, or whether his feelings were misplaced because of the amount of time that Nick and he had spent together recently. He knew he’d missed him when he’d gone home the night before last and his face flamed as he remembered jerking off to the thought of image last night. And when he’d woken up the morning after, he’d missed Nick shuffling around the kitchen.

Nick merely suggesting that he could be interested in a man had sent Kevin’s head, and heart, reeling. Sighing, he stripped out of his clothes and got into bed, fairly certain that he wasn’t going to get much sleep.

***

Kevin growled in frustration as he couldn’t get the coffee machine to filter through like normal. “Did you do something to it?” He asked Nick.
“No dude, I haven’t used it. I know how precious you are about your coffee machine!” Nick grinned, the smile falling off his face when Kevin just glared at him.

Kevin sighed, seeing that he’d upset Nick. “Sorry. I’m just tired and fucked off…” He trailed off, shutting his eyes and bracing his hands on the worktop, his shoulders tense with frustration.

“Anything I can do?” Nick asked, putting his hand between Kevin’s shoulder blades comfortingly, rubbing his thumb back and forth.

Kevin shook his head, not daring to open his eyes and look at Nick. Nick’s hand on his back felt so nice, so right and all it was doing was making Kevin realise that he wanted more of Nick. Nick’s arms around him, comforting him more.

“No.” Kevin said shortly. “Well, maybe go and grab us some coffee?” He suggested, feeling like he needed some space. He stood up, opening his eyes and turning around to face Nick.

“Course. Usual?” Nick asked, taking his hand off Kevin’s back and picking up his car keys from where they were sat in a bowl next to Kevin’s.

Kevin stared at the car keys, a lump in his throat. “Yeah. Thanks Nick.”
“Anytime dude.” Nick smiled, heading out.

Kevin watched Nick’s car head out of the driveway and he sat in the living room, his head in his hands. Of all the people he could possibly fall for, Nick was probably one of the worst. He just felt like he was going to ruin their friendship by being shitty and grumpy with him and it was in no way Nick’s fault that Kevin was feeling like this.

But in the last few days, Kevin couldn’t deny that things had changed between them - they’d always been close, Kevin had always looked out for him, as best he was able to but the last couple of weeks had cemented their friendship - they’d talked about so much, Kevin had begun to think of their evenings as their own therapy sessions and, not for the first time, he wondered whether it was something he should consider for himself. Nick had sung the praises of his therapist for years and it certainly seemed to have got him to realise a few things about himself and to help sort his head out.

***

“You going somewhere?” Nick asked, stopping as he walked into the hallway 30 minutes later, 2 coffees in a tray in his hand, facing Kevin who was in running shorts, a t-shirt and trainers.

“I, I just need to go for a run, clear my head a bit.” Kevin explained, tying up his trainers.
“Oh. OK. Want me to go or should I hang around a bit?” Nick asked, suddenly sounding very unsure.

Kevin looked up. He walked over to Nick and put his hand on Nick’s arm to reassure him. “Stay. I’ll see you later, yeah?” He asked.

Nick nodded, watching him head out of the house.

***

“You seem to be in a better mood.” Nick commented as they finished dinner later that evening. They were out on the deck again.
Kevin nodded. “Yeah, I feel better. Sorry I was a bit of an arsehole this morning.” He apologised.
“Dude, don’t worry about it, I’m sure I’ve been much worse!”
Nodding in agreement, Kevin laughed. “Yeah, you have. I just needed to sort my head out a bit, clear a few things, organise some shit in my head I guess.” He said.
“Everything ok?” Nick asked, concerned.

Kevin sighed. “It will be. Yeah, honestly man, don’t worry, things are fine.”
“Is it band stuff?” Nick asked.
“Bro, it doesn’t matter. It’s my shit and I’ll sort it out.”
“Kev, we’ve basically been in therapy with each other for the last two weeks - come on, talk to me.” Nick encouraged.

Kevin looked at him carefully. Hearing Nick saying that their evenings had been like therapy to him as well just brought it home to him how much they seemed to be on the same wavelength at the moment, and he nodded.

“It’s … when I came back to the band, for a long time, I didn’t feel like I deserved to be back, I guess. Don’t interrupt.” He said, seeing that Nick was getting ready to argue the point with him. “I left. I left, in some respects, for some wrong reasons, and when I came back, I felt like I was on trial for a bit, like you were all thinking ‘is he gonna change his mind’, ‘is he gonna tell us he doesn’t like the direction the band is going in’, and it fucking hurt. I know it was my decision to go, and nobody pressured me into coming back, but I didn’t feel like I belonged for a while. But, I guess in the last few months, I feel like we’re all in a better place now.”

Kevin glanced over at Nick who was watching him closely. He stood up and walked over to the fence that separates the house from the valley below.

“My feelings for the band were conflicted for a long time. We went through so much shit. Lou put you through hell and none of us knew about it until it was too late and I fucking hated myself for letting you go through it alone - I should have seen what was going on.” He snapped angrily, jumping when he felt Nick’s hand on his forearm. He continued staring into the distance as Nick spoke.

“Kev, you’ve gotta stop blaming yourself for what Lou did to me. The only person to blame is him. Yeah, it’s probably going to have an effect on the rest of my life, but I’ve let it go. You need to.” Nick told him firmly.

“Watching you pretty much destroy yourself broke my heart Nick. I couldn’t watch it. I had to go because I couldn’t watch you die…” Kevin trailed off, his voice cracking.

“Kev, I didn’t die. I’m still here.” Nick told him gently.

Kevin turned on him, his eyes angry. “Back then, when I left, I thought the next time I saw you would be in a fucking coffin. I tried so hard to help, I tried so hard to make you see what you were, are worth and you wouldn’t listen, you wouldn’t accept the help that I was trying to give you. Do you know how hard it was, walking away, almost certain that I’d never see you again?”

Nick looked at him, his eyes wet with unshed tears.

Kevin turned back to the valley beneath them. “I can see now,” he started more calmly “that I shouldn’t have gone, I shouldn’t have left because I couldn’t handle my feelings. It was utterly selfish of me. But when you’ve got so many conflicting emotions going on in your head, you don’t know what to do for the best and when Kristin suggested a break away from the band, I saw it as a way out from feeling how I felt.”

Nick wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, the other hand still on Kevin’s arm. “Why were they conflicting Kev?” He asked.

Kevin blew out a long breath and looked up at the stars in the night sky. “The love I have for Brian is different to what I have with anyone else in my family. We’re blood and I love him differently because we’re bandmates, because we’ve shared so much more together than most other families ever experience together. The love I have for AJ and for Howie is different to what I have for Brian. They are my brothers, they’re…”

He was silent for a moment and he could feel Nick’s eyes on him, he could hear his own shaky breath and he could hear the silent anticipation of Nick waiting for him to continue.

“The love I have for you is different to all them. But it took leaving the band and Kristin leaving me for me to understand what it meant. The last few days have made everything slot into place and the run gave me time to organise it, to understand it better.”

When the silence had gone on for too long, Kevin risked a glance at Nick. Nick was looking at him, his jaw slack with surprise and his eyes wide with understanding. Kevin glanced down at Nick’s hand on his arm and Nick moved it.

“Sorry.” Nick whispered. He turned so they were shoulder to shoulder, looking out at the lights below.

“So…” Nick began and then stopped. “I think I need some time to process this.” He said and Kevin nodded, blinking back the tears that were starting to form in his eyes. “I need you to give me some time to understand what all of this...means. Can you do that? Can you give me some time?” Nick pleaded.

Kevin nodded, not daring to look at Nick.

“I promise I’ll come back Kevin, I absolutely pinky swear.” Nick told him and Kevin let out a shaky laugh. “I...I love you man, but I don’t quite know what to do or to say or feel and I ... I just need, I need some time.” Nick said, tripping over his words.

“It’s ok Nick, you don’t have to…” Kevin began before Nick pulled him into a tight embrace, his arms strong around Kevin’s neck and his head on Kevin’s shoulder.

“I love you. Remember that, ok? I …” Nick trailed off, pulling back and looked Kevin straight in the eye. “I’ll be back.”

“Sound like the Terminator.” Kevin said without thinking and Nick burst into laughter.
“I’ll come back, I promise.”

***

Nick pulled into his own driveway 20 minutes later, his mind alight with what had happened. Part of him wondered whether he was dreaming, whether Kevin hadn’t really just suggested that he might be in love with him. He switched the engine off and he was plunged into darkness and silence, but he couldn’t get out of the car. He rested his head on the steering wheel, wondering when life had decided to throw him for a loop and give him the one thing he didn’t know he’d ever wanted.

Eventually, he went inside. He turned on a lamp in the hallway, turning the alarm off and he dumped his bag at the bottom of the stairs that he had hastily packed before he left Kevin’s.

Grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge, he picked up a glass and put some ice in it and headed out onto the balcony, pulling the patio doors open wide. He put the glass on the table, pulled out his phone and sat down.

He knew that he needed to talk to somebody. He’d never been good at dealing with big things on his own, which is how he’d ended up an addict because he’d tried to do it and he knew that one of two things would happen. He either needed to call somebody or he needed to have a drink and that was the last thing that he wanted.

“Carter. What’s up?” Nick could hear the grin in Brian’s face as he answered the phone.
“Something’s happened. Can you come over?” Nick asked.
“Nick? What’s wrong, what’s happened?” Brian asked, his voice laced with concern.
“Can you just come over? Please Bri, I need to speak to somebody because I think I’m going mad and if I’m left alone, I’m going to want a drink and I don’t want that, I don’t want to let him down…” Nick began to ramble.

“Nick. I’ll be there in 25 minutes. Hang tight. Ok?”

Nick nodded before he realised that Brian couldn’t see him. “Ok.”

***

“Wow. I was not expecting that.” Brian sighed as he sat back in his chair a couple of hours later after Nick had finally been able to tell him what had happened.
“You and me both!” Nick exclaimed, sounding slightly hysterical.
“How do you feel about it? About Kev?” Brian asked.

Nick shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I led him on in some way last night when I talked about wondering what it was like to kiss a guy, I don’t know if it’s some fucked up co-dependency thing I’ve got going on, I don’t know!” He cried. “I could fuck everything up and I don’t want to do that, I can’t!” He cried, putting his head in his hands.

“Nick, you’re not gonna fuck anything up.” Brian said kindly. “Christ, the fact that you asked him for time, you told him you’d be back - even if you don’t feel the same way as him, he knows you’re not horrified by the idea of his feelings for you, it’ll give him some hope that if it goes nowhere, there’s hope for your friendship.”

“He’s gonna be so hurt if I don’t feel that way!” Nick wailed.

“Right. Nick. You need to calm down, getting hysterical isn’t going to help anyone. Firstly, you absolutely cannot get into something with Kevin if deep down it’s not what you want. You cannot do this for his sake. Do you understand?” He asked, holding Nick’s hands in his own to try and ground his friend.

Nick nodded. “I know that, fuck I know that Brian!” He snapped.
“Kevin is a big boy. He will get over this if there’s something to get over, but you, you need to work out how you feel. Only you can decide that. Nobody else can.”

“You know the irony is that if it was anything else, I’d have gone to Kevin about this but he’s the one person that I can’t talk to about this and it fucking kills me that I can’t.”

Brian tilted his head a little at Nick. “And that doesn’t give you some indication of what or how you might feel?” He asked with a wry smile.
“I don’t know!” Nick exclaimed, jumping to his feet, knocking his empty glass over. “I know he’s probably stood in the same place I left him two fucking hours ago, wondering how the hell I’m doing, wondering if I’ve had a drink, whether he’s driven me to need to have a drink!” He cried, pacing around the balcony.

“Do you want me to call him?” Brian asked. “Let him know you’re ok?”

Nick stopped pacing and looked at Brian. “I...I don’t know. Then he’ll know that I’ve told you.” He said uncertainly.
“Dude, the 5 of us know everything there is to know. In a week’s time, we’ll all know every single thing about this, so get over that, it’s nothing to worry about.”
“But…”
“Do you want me to call him?” Brian repeated simply.

Nick nodded mutely. “Yeah. Call him.”

“Ok. I want you to stay here. You don’t come inside, you need to think ok?” Brian asked, standing up. “I’ll be back, ok?” He said, hugging Nick closely to him.

Nick laughed hollowly, remembering what Kevin had said about the Terminator. “Ok, I promise I’ll stay here.”

***

Nick was laying on a sunbed watching the stars when Brian finally came out from inside.
“Is he ok?” He asked as he saw Brian.
“He’s fine. He’s worried sick about you.” Brian replied kindly, sitting on the end of the sun bed as Nick budged over a little.
“You told him though, that I wasn’t having a drink?”
“Yes, I told him and he told me to tell you that he’s very proud of you. Fuck, I feel like we are 12 year old girls relaying messages to each other in the fucking classroom!” Brian chuckled. “Bro, seriously, what does your gut tell you about how you feel?”

“I can’t trust my gut, Brian - that led to too much whiskey and cocaine, I need to work out what my head and my heart feel.”

Brian smiled. “When did you get so wise?” He teased.
Nick poked his tongue out at him. “I’ve always been wise, you fuckers are just too stupid to see it!” He laughed.

“Come on. You need to get some sleep. You’re not gonna be any use to you or anyone else if you don’t get some rest. I’ll stay, ok?”

Nick nodded, tears threatening again at how overwhelmed he felt.

***

The next morning, Nick looked at himself in the mirror. He hadn’t seen himself looked so pale in months. He’d barely got any sleep the previous night, although Brian had stayed in his bed so he’d had to pretend to be asleep, so at least hadn’t tossed and turned like he could’ve done.

“How you feeling?” Brian asked from the bathroom door.
“How do I look?” Nick asked.
“Like shit.” Brian grinned at him.

Nick rolled his eyes. “Some friend you are!”
“Did you get any sleep?”
“Not much.” Nick admitted, shaking his head.
“Any clearer on how you feel?”

Nick walked back into the bedroom and sat on the sofa in the corner of the room. “I think the trouble is I’ve always seen him as a bit of a protector, like I looked up to him way more than I ever looked up to my dad. He’s always looked after me, sometimes as a friend but sometimes as a parent when my own were so fucking useless. And I don’t know if what I feel for him is that or if it’s something else.”

Brian sat down on the bed opposite him. “So you do feel something for him?” He asked.

Nick shrugged, his eyes flicking up to meet Brian’s and then darting back to the floor. “I miss him. I wanna talk to him but I don’t know what to say to him. I haven’t felt as safe as I did in the last two weeks in his music room, writing and talking and going through some weird, fucked up therapy sessions with him. I mean, I miss you guys when you’re not around but…”

“Not in the same way?” Brian finished for him.
“No. But I can’t fuck this up. I have to know exactly how I feel, I need to know that it’s more than some misplaced, fucked up…”

“Ok, I’m gonna ask you a question and you need to remember that he’s my cousin so I don’t need details. Have you thought about kissing him?” Brian asked.

A small smile grew on Nick’s face. “A little bit. The other night, when we were talking about how I wondered what it was like to kiss another guy, when he was talking, I wondered what it would be like to kiss him.”
“And did that weird you out?”
“No.” Nick replied, surprising himself. “No, it didn’t at all.”
“Ok. So. Imagine kissing him. Do you think it’s something you’d want to do?”
“I think so.” Nick admitted, his smile growing a little more.
“Nick, you need to know what you’re doing, you can’t fuck about with his heart anymore than you can fuck about with yours.” Brian told him.
“Yeah, ok? Yes, I want to kiss him, but I don’t want to fuck things up, so I can’t just go and kiss him and then turn around and say “oh sorry Kev, great shag but not really what I’m looking for right now.””

Brian glared at Nick. “I said nothing about shagging my cousin! Oh god, in some ways I hope this doesn’t happen because it’s going to fucking weird seeing you two making out. But you’re right, you can’t do that to him. So what are you going to do?”

***

Nick walked into the supermarket later that day, after Brian had left a few hours earlier. He’d gone to make himself something to eat only to realise that he had no food in the house.

It was only when he got to alcohol aisle that he paused to look down at the trolley, trying to clear his mind a little. To his surprise, he realised that he’d picked up several juices that only Kevin drank and a few other bits and pieces that he’d never bought before but had seen at Kevin’s and had picked up automatically. He turned the trolley around to go and take the juices back and it was only as he was putting them on the shelf that he realised he’d walked away from the alcohol aisle without any thought to it. It was a huge milestone and the irony of it being Kevin’s things in his trolley finally wasn’t lost on him.

***

When the barista handed Nick two coffees, he looked at them in confusion. “Why have I got two?” He asked the girl.
“You ordered two sir.” She told him gently, seeing the confusion on his face.
“Oh. Did I? Ok, thanks.” He said, looking at the two coffees before he left the shop.

***

Nick knew, deep down, that his argument of being co-dependent on Kevin was a weak one. They’d been co-dependent almost since the very beginning and he knew that his co-dependency didn’t run as deep with Howie, or AJ or Brian, as it did with Kevin.

‘How do you take your coffee?’ He fired off a message to Howie later that evening, not checking the time before he did so.

‘It’s 2 fucking AM Carter. Fuck off and go to sleep.’ The reply came a minute or so later.

Nick glared at his phone. “Well, that’s just rude…” He began, grinning to himself as he could see Howie was still typing.

‘Because I was raised to be polite, UNLIKE SOME, I take a soy latte, medium, no foam, one sugar. Do you want AJ’s?’

“No, I don’t care what AJ’s is.” He said out loud and it was only as he dropped his phone that he realised that he only cared what Kevin’s order was because Kevin was the only one he’d likely want to go and get coffee for.

***

Kevin got out of the shower and glanced at his phone. Nothing from Nick. It was 2am and he’d barely slept since Nick had left. Brian had stopped by after he’d left Nick’s house, but Kevin was in no mood to talk and his cousin had just given him a hug, told him it would work out for the best and left him to it.

He got into bed, having towelled down briefly and he flung the towel in the direction of the laundry basket, frowning when it missed but too tired to care.

He couldn’t help but regret what he’d told Nick. It was still true, but he knew how fragile Nick could be and how big hearted he was and Nick’s reaction wasn’t at all what Kevin had expected. To be honest, he wasn’t sure what he had been expecting but either Nick walking out, furious with Kevin or Nick kissing him, but Nick asking for time had thrown Kevin for a loop. He didn’t know where he stood, or how Nick might feel and that was almost worse than the rejection he was certain that was coming his way.

He knew that Brian had been worried about him, he could see it in his cousin’s eyes, but he’d got himself into this mess, and he felt it was his responsibility to get back out of it.

***

Kevin’s eyes bulged as he opened the door to Nick at 10am the following morning, holding out a coffee to him. Kevin glanced down at the paper cup as Nick waved it in front of him, encouraging him to take it. Kevin took it wordlessly and stood to one side to let Nick in.

“So. It turns out that when I go and get a coffee, I order yours as well. I didn’t even know that I knew your coffee order until I asked Howie at 2am what his coffee order was. He told me to fuck off because it was 2am, but then he told me and he asked me if I wanted AJ’s coffee order and I was like, no, why the fuck would I want to know how AJ takes his coffee and then it dawned on me that I know your coffee order because I want to get you coffee.” Nick rambled.

Kevin shut the door. “Ok…” He said slowly, thoroughly confused.

“So, yesterday, after I went grocery shopping, I ordered you a coffee, despite the fact you weren’t with me and I wasn’t coming here. And do you know what I did today?” Nick asked.

“Drank a shit load of caffeine before coming here?” Kevin asked with a smile at how wired Nick was.
“No. Well, yes, I’ve had 4 espressos this morning. Turns out they send me sky high, probably wasn’t this wired on coke to be honest, but hey ho. I did it again. I ordered you a coffee.”

“But you hadn’t intended to come here?” Kevin asked, his heart tight in his chest.
“Yes. No, yes I intended to come here. I wanted to come and see you. Fuck Kev, I missed you.” Nick said.

Kevin smiled sadly. “Missed you too.”
“I need to do something.” Nick told him, putting his coffee down on the nearby table and stepping right in front of Kevin.
“Ok…” Kevin said and almost stumbled backwards as Nick kissed him firmly on the lips, staying there for a few seconds, grabbing hold of Kevin’s hips as Kevin swayed with surprise.

“So, it doesn’t feel like kissing my dad.” Nick announced.

Kevin burst out laughing. “What the fuck?!”
“You know you’ve always been like a father figure to me, right?” Nick asked, not waiting for Kevin to answer as he continued on. “So last night, after Howie told me his coffee order which, by the way, what the fuck is he drinking?!” He asked, pacing up and down in front of Kevin.

“Soy latte, medium, no foam, one sugar.” Kevin grinned.

Nick stopped pacing. “You know his order?” He asked. “Do you know everyone’s order?”
Kevin shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

Nick looked stumped. “Oh. That might change things...” He trailed off. “Where was I?” He asked Kevin.
“Father figure.” Kevin said, amused and fairly sure he knew where this was going to go and he couldn’t help the smile that grew over his face.

“Yes! Father figure! I realised that I wanted to get you coffee. Kev, I don’t want to get anybody else’s coffee. I think I’ve fallen for you so hard that I didn’t even know it and when I tried to sort out my feelings, all I kept thinking was that I’d always thought of you as a father figure and what if your feelings were as misplaced as mine?” He asked, picking up his coffee which Kevin immediately snatched out of his hands.

“Firstly, think you’ve had more than enough coffee! Secondly, are you suggesting you’re like a son to me? Because, no, just no, Nick.” He told him.

Nick glared at Kevin, his coffee and back to Kevin. “So your feelings aren’t misplaced? They aren’t because of some fucked up co-dependency thing we’ve got going on?”

Kevin put both coffees down. “Nick. It’s taken me 12 years to understand how I feel. I’m not asking you to work out your feelings in 48 hours. When I realised that I was in love with you a few days ago, believe me, I was not expecting it.”

“In love with me?” Nick breathed.

Kevin shut his eyes and let out a low breath. “Yeah.”
“That’s good.” Nick told him. “Because I’ve realised over the past few days that I don’t see you as a father figure anymore, I don’t think I have for a long time if I really think about it. I don’t see you as a therapist, or a sponsor, or a bandmate. You’re somebody I wanna be with all the time, whether we are working or not. I kinda just want to be with you always.”

When Kevin opened his eyes, Nick was stood right in front of him. “Always?” He clarified.
“Know what else I realised?” Nick asked quietly.
Kevin shook his head. “No?”
“That I haven’t stopped thinking about kissing you since Brian told me to imagine it the other day.”
Kevin grinned. “I knew that my cousin had his uses!”
“So...can I?”
“Kiss me?” Kevin grinned. “Well...I mean, if you must…” He laughed, the wind being knocked out of him as Nick pushed him back, sending them crashing into a mirror behind Kevin as Nick kissed him hard, hands either side of Kevin’s face as he slid his tongue along Kevin’s lips, causing the older man to gasp into the kiss, pushing his tongue back against Nick’s as he held on tightly to Nick’s waist.

Kevin put his hands on Nick’s waist, pulling him close as Nick threaded his fingers through Kevin’s hair, pulling on it a little, his breath hitching as Kevin gasped at the sensation. They kissed roughly, passionately and it was only when the mirror started to dig into Kevin’s back that he pushed Nick away a little.

“Fuck, I haven’t been kissed like that in a long time.” Kevin grinned at Nick. “No wonder you had a different girl in your bed every night years ago!”
“I haven’t wanted to kiss anyone like that for, like, ever.” Nick grinned back as Kevin guided him away from the hallway. “Can I do it again?” He smirked at Kevin.

Kevin laughed. “Oh, you most definitely can, but can we maybe…”

His words got cut off as Nick launched himself at Kevin again, pulling at the t-shirt Kevin was wearing. Kevin steered him towards the music room, pushing Nick down onto the sofa once they got there.

Nick grinned up at Kevin, letting his legs fall open as he pulled Kevin down on top of him. They lay watching each other for a moment, breath ragged as they took in the sight of each other.

“Have you just woken up?” Nick asked, realising that Kevin’s hair was a mess and now he came to think of it, the clothes that Kevin was wearing were the clothes he generally came downstairs in each morning.

“Couldn’t sleep last night, I was out of my mind with worry.” He told Nick.
“I’m sorry I left.” Nick told him as he rolled his hips experimentally, grinning wickedly at Kevin when he groaned against the touch.
“You did what you had to do...fuck Nick…” Kevin moaned as Nick pushed his hips up against Kevin’s.

Kevin surged forward, kissing Nick again, their bodies melded together as they sought each other out. Nick tipped his head back as Kevin ground his hips against Nick’s and Kevin took the opportunity to kiss Nick’s neck, sucking a bruise into the pale skin, knowing he didn’t care one bit if the others knew that he’d marked Nick up.

“Fuck...fuck Kevin, I’ve gotta get these off.” Nick pleaded, his hands desperately trying to undo his jeans.

Kevin jumped up, stripping out of his own shorts, leaving his boxers on and then wrenching Nick’s jeans open and yanking them down his legs as Nick grinned at him.

Kevin was back on top of Nick before Nick knew what was happening, pushing a hand between them, his hand sliding into Nick’s boxers, causing the blonde to cry out, his back arching off the sofa. “Fuck Kev, fuck…” He panted as Kevin looked directly at him.

“You’re so fucking beautiful Carter, you know that?” He asked roughly, loving the look on Nick’s face as Kevin’s hand worked him up and down.

“Please, please Kev…” Nick pleaded, his back arched off the sofa again, his fingers gripping the sides of the sofa to stop him from falling off.
“Want me to make you come, hmm?” Kevin teased, his eyes sparkling as Nick let out a low groan, going straight to Kevin’s cock which was trying to escape the confines of his boxers.
“Fuck yes.” Nick cried. “So badly, fuck, I’m so close already…” Nick whined, a little embarrassed as he covered his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Don’t hide Nick, nothing to be embarrassed about, you look so fucking hot underneath me.” Kevin told him, using his spare hand to move Nick’s hand away from his eyes. “Wanna feel you come for me.” He told Nick, pressing the tip of his thumb into the tip of Nick’s cock and Nick tensed under him, his jaw dropping open as Kevin bent down to kiss him and then Nick was coming, his body shuddering underneath Kevin’s, low whines coming from his mouth as he struggled to breathe, Kevin’s hand covered in warm, sticky fluid.

As Nick’s body fell boneless onto the sofa, Kevin shoved his hand into his own boxers, not taking his eyes off Nick as he brought himself closer and closer to the edge, using Nick’s come as lubrication just adding to the sensations and when Nick slid a hand into Kevin’s t-shirt and circled the pad of his thumb around Kevin’s nipple, it was enough to send him over the edge and he gasped Nick’s name, fucking into his own hand as he came, harder than he had done in a while and then he collapsed breathlessly on top of Nick who parted his legs a little further, letting Kevin fall between them as he stroked his hand through Kevin’s hair.

“Fuck me Richardson, I wish I’d known how hot that was going to be a long time ago.” Nick panted lightly and Kevin laughed.

“You were the hot one, Christ, just having you come over my hand, I thought I was gonna come without even touching myself!” Kevin grinned, turning his head so it was resting on Nick’s shoulder.
“Sorry I was er, a bit quick.” Nick said, embarrassment colouring his face.

Kevin shook his head at Nick. “Don’t be. So hot that I could get you off so fast.”
“Well, next time, I’m gonna last longer, you know that right?”

Kevin propped himself up on his elbow. “Next time?” He grinned.
“Oh, we are doing this again. Today. At least, I dunno, 3 more times.” Nick grinned eagerly.
“I think you need to get the caffeine out of your body and then decide!” Kevin laughed, gingerly pushing himself up.

“Come on, think we could both do with a shower.” He winked, grabbing Nick’s hand and pulling him out of the music room.

***

“How you doing? Not having any sort of a freak out?” Nick asked later that evening when they were laid together on a sun lounger on the deck.

“Me?! No Nick, I’m not having a freak out - I’ve kind of felt like this about guys for a long time!” Kevin laughed.
“I didn’t mean about guys! I meant about me.”
“Oh!” Kevin cried, pretending to be shocked. “Nah, no freak out for me. Anyway, it should be me asking you that question,...after all you’re the one who is discovering their sexuality.” He remarked, raising an eyebrow at Nick.

“How do you do that?” Nick frowned, prodding one of Kevin’s eyebrow with his finger.
“Do what?” Kevin frowned, moving away.
“Raise one of them? Aren’t they too fucking heavy?” Nick teased.

Kevin glared at him. “I thought you might be nicer after sex.”
Nick grinned. “Nope, I’m still as annoying as ever!”
“Clearly. So, no freak out?” He asked cautiously.
“Did I seem like I freaked out when I had your cock in my mouth?” Nick asked evenly.

Kevin grinned. “No. You did not.” He laughed, flushing at the mere memory of Nick on his knees in front of him.
“I’m fine. Honestly. You’re not gonna wake up tomorrow morning and find I’ve gone, I promise.”

***

“AJ, what a delightful surprise.” Kevin drawled as he answered his phone the following morning.

“Aw, Kevin did you miss me?!” AJ laughed down the line, “Anyway I didn’t call to whisper sweet nothings in your ear, I’ve lost Carter. Again.”

Kevin turned his head and looked down at where Nick was tracing imaginary lines on his chest. “Really?”

“Yes!” AJ exclaimed loudly and Kevin could picture the frantic arm waving, “Bri said Nick was feeling a bit, you know, and could have been heading off the wagon.”

Kevin ran his fingers through Nick’s hair. “Nah, think Carts is ok,” he said, mouthing ‘AJ’ when Nick gave a questioning frown.

“You’ve seen him?!” AJ sighed in relief.

“Yeah, I’ve seen him, seen a fair bit of him recently.” Kevin replied, eyes narrowing as Nick rolled onto his back and began slowly running his hand along his cock, one finger in his mouth.

“So he’s ok?” AJ asked. “He’s not drunk in a ditch somewhere?”

Kevin’s eyes trailed over Nick, not hearing AJ’s question. “Sorry, what?” He asked.
“You’re sure he’s ok? Cos I can go looking for him, if I need to.” AJ suggested.
“No, there’s no need to do that.” Kevin said, his breath quickening. He covered the bottom of his phone and glared at Nick. “Now is not the time.” He grinned.
“Oh, you’re so wrong, now is exactly the time!” Nick laughed.

“Is he there?!” AJ’s voice came loudly over the phone. “Kev?”
“Uh. Yeah, he’s here.” Kevin admitted as he watched Nick’s cock fatten in his fist and he leant over, wrapping his own hand around Nick’s and stopping him.

Nick just raised an eyebrow at him. “If you think that’s gonna stop me…” Nick grinned flirtatiously.

“OH MY GOD!” AJ cried. “I’ve heard that fucking voice he’s using before! Are you two in bed together?!” AJ demanded to know.

Nick snatched the phone off Kevin, elbowing him so Kevin let him go and he jumped off the bed. “Hey McLean, what’s up?”
“Serious?! You two are a thing now?!” AJ asked in surprise.
“Dunno what you mean!” Nick sing-songed, dodging Kevin as he tried to grab Nick as he darted past.
“Oh you fucking well do!” AJ laughed. “Man, you’re gonna irritate the fuck out of him within a week!”
“Oh, I don’t think it’s gonna take that long...argh!” Nick screeched as Kevin grabbed him around the waist, wrestling him down onto the bed so he was straddling Nick.

“Give me the phone.” Kevin told him.
“Nope, no, don’t…!” Nick laughed loudly as Kevin pinched him, causing Nick to jolt, dropping the phone as he tried to buck Kevin off.

“Goodbye AJ. Don’t call for a couple of days. He’s busy.” Kevin smirked, ending the call before giving AJ a chance to respond.

“You know he’s gonna turn up in like an hour, yeah?” Nick beamed up at Kevin.
“Best get you off before he arrives then, hadn’t I?!”

***

Nick’s back cracked loudly as he followed Kevin down the stairs a few hours later. He blinked a few times at the sunshine streaming through the front doors. He paused, as he saw a familiar car in the driveway.

“What’s AJ’s car doing here?” Kevin asked, seeing it at the same time as Nick.
“I dunno, but where is he?” Nick questioned, opening the front door and frowning as a sock fluttered to the floor. “Fucker…!” He laughed, picking it up. “Oi! McLean!” He hollered, dodging Kevin who reached out to shut him up.
“What’s that?” Kevin asked as Nick darted out onto the driveway, looking around for AJ.
“It’s a fucking sock - look, there’s another on that living room door!” Nick laughed, walking over to grab it.
“Why is he putting...OH! So people don’t interrupt us?!” He grinned, winking at Nick.
“Yeah, but why he’s putting one on every door, I’ve no idea!” Nick replied, spotting AJ as he appeared on the path at the side of the house. “OI!”

AJ grinned widely at the pair of them, a few more socks still in his hands, and what looked like a piece of cardboard. “Afternoon lovebirds!” He teased.

“What’s that?” Kevin asked suspiciously, slinging an arm around Nick’s neck.
“It’s a do not disturb sign!” AJ cackled, walking past them and sticking it up on Kevin’s front door. “We have to be at a meeting in 3 days with management. Reckon you two will be able to get all of the sex out of the way by then?!” He teased, poking his fingers into Nick’s ribs to tickle him and darting away before Nick could catch him.

Nick and Kevin looked at each other. “Nah, probably not!” Nick grinned.

“Please try. We all love you, but the last thing we need to see is the two of you going at it, hence the socks and sign!” AJ laughed, heading back to his car.

“Wanna give it a try? Getting it out of our system?” Nick grinned as AJ’s car disappeared onto the road.
“Absolutely!” Kevin grinned, slapping Nick’s backside, pushing him back into the house, slamming the door, the Do Not Disturb sign swinging against the door.