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Almost two months have passed from the bomb at The Halcyon, a very sad Christmas, a New Year’s Eve without reason to celebrate.
But these months have been even worse for Toby Hamilton and Adil Joshi. They should have been full of love, but they have been full of silences, regrets, pain, fights, heads shaken, bad words that made the two more distant than ever.
They both seemed unable to make it up.
Adil couldn’t forgive himself for what he did, even if the reasons of his betrayal had seemed strong when he took his decision. But he wasn’t able to forgive Toby too, for the horrible words he said the day he tried to kill himself.
That pain wasn’t going away, that feeling of being disgusting to the man he loved, that belief that Toby would never forgive him completely were too deep to ignore.
All this was wearing himself out, he wasn’t strong like he could appear.
Toby and him weren’t on speaking terms right now, after the umpteenth argument, so it was a little bit easier to take the decision of leaving a place he has called home for the last three years.
He was standing in Mr. Garland’s office, in his usual formal posture, impeccable in his uniform, wearing the most neutral face he could manage.
Richard Garland was disappointed while reading Adil’s resignation letter.
“Mr. Joshi, I know serving as a waiter is not your job, but I thought it was clear that is just temporary, until the lounge is re-built”
“Is not for the job, Sir”
“Than what, you’ve had an offer from other hotels?”
“No”
“Mr. Joshi, I want to be open with you: I’m very annoyed of losing the best bartender in town. So tell me if there’s something I can do to make you stay”
“I’m afraid there isn’t, Sir. I took this decision for a personal reason and it’s irrevocable”
“There’s some problem with other members of the staff, or with Ms. Garland or me?”
“Absolutely not, I’ve always felt like home here”
“Someone other than the staff members did something to bother you?”
“Mr. Garland I…”
“Mr. Joshi, I’m trying to understand if there’s something wrong that I can make right, to make you stay, but you’re not making it simple”
“Mr. Garland, I really appreciate it, but I can’t tell you the reason why I’m leaving…it’s complicated…I’d stay if I could, but I can’t, I hope you understand”
Something inside Mr. Garland’s mind clicked and he put the pieces together. He understood now, and, of course, this changed everything.
“I do. Well, I guess that’s all then. Do you need a recommendation letter?”
“Not right now, thank you. I’m going to visit my family in Bristol, tomorrow, then I don’t know what I’ll do”
“Let me know if there’s something I can do for you, Mr. Joshi”
“Thank you, Mr. Garland”
He stood and reached Adil to shake his hand. He was very surprised by this, usually Mr. Garland isn’t that friendly with the staff…
“Good luck Mr. Joshi. You will be missed”
**********
Toby was seated in a corner of the lobby, pretending to read some documents.
He was feeling worse every day and he had no clue on how to get out this situation he was in with Adil. He thought that saving him and showing him his feelings was enough, but his man was broken inside, and partly it was his fault. Toby wasn’t prepared to face this.
He wanted to show Adil that the past was buried for him, that he forgave him, that he didn’t mean the words he told him, that they can work it out and start again…but every time they try to discuss the matter, they end fighting and shouting and slamming doors.
It’s exhausting and Toby isn’t even sure it’s really worth it: in the end, their story wasn’t supposed to last. It’s illegal and dangerous and they would had to hide for all their life…probably is better this way…but how much it hurts to say it?
“Hey Toby!”
Joe O’Hara slammed on the sofa next to him, interrupting his trail of thoughts.
“Joe”
“Hell Toby, you look awful! Troubles at work?”
“We’re all under pressure, we work probably too much, but it’s ok”
“Mmhhh, so we’re talking about heart problems…”
Toby nodded.
Joe smirked.
“You know Toby, I’m not really an expert on this, but it can’t be that bad”
“Have you ever been in love, Joe?”
Joe stayed quiet for a moment, a lot of time has passed since the last time he stopped to think at Sarah…and he’s never told his story to anyone…
“I’m less a bad boy than you may think…yes, I’ve been in love once”
Toby looked genuinely surprised, and kept silence to let Mr. O’Hara tell his story.
“I was pretty young, and romantic, and very, very stupid thinking about it now…anyway, I fell in love with the most wrong woman I could find, she was perfect, she had everything I wanted, and she loved me back”
Joe stopped, a shadow of sadness crossed his eyes. He’d never imagined that telling this could be that painful, even after 20 years.
Toby didn’t dare to ask how things went, it was clear it didn’t end well for them.
“Unfortunately, she was married with an older and very powerful man, who took her away when we decided to escape together. They disappeared, his henchmen threatened her family if they helped me to search for Sarah. I tried to fight, I tried to resist, but I was putting also my family in danger so I decided to leave, and that’s how I reached New York, running away”
“And you never heard about her?”
Joe shook his head. Ever since he started his career as a journalist and reporter, he tried to find out where Sarah could be, but they probably left the country, to one of the properties her husband owned in the Caribbean or South America. As the time passed, he convinced himself that she was fine, that that man was awful, but rich, and could give her a life Joe couldn’t. And the memory of his feelings for her faded away.
“I’m sorry Toby, I was supposed to cheer you up, and I made you sad with this story…”
“Oh no, don’t worry Joe. I’m happy to see you’re human too!”
“So, what’s your problem?”
Toby didn’t know from where to start. He wasn’t aware that Joe knew about Adil and him, so he was thinking of a way to explain his situation, without exposing himself too much…
“I have this…person…in my life, we’ve been together, than we broke up, badly. We hurt each other, some awful things happened but I thought we got over them. It seems I’m wrong…we’re not able to talk without fighting, we haven’t kissed or touched since the day…” Toby shook his head, trying to push the image of Adil laying in his bed away.
Joe has noticed something changed in both Toby and Adil lately. He hadn’t have the chance to ask Adil what it was, but he could see he was always sad, less talkative, like his mind was far away. They were so different from the lovebirds they looked just a couple of months ago…
“Fights are normal in a couple, they should help to build a stronger relationship, with no secrets, no regrets”
“It seems our fights are only making us more and more distant. I don’t know what to do and I’m tired. I’m not sure it’s worth to spend my energies in trying to fix something so broken”
“Toby, you’re too young to give up on love!”
“You were young too, and you gave up at a certain point”
“It was a different time, a different place…I for sure don’t need to remind you that we can die at any moment, with those damn bombs dropping everywhere in the city. You really want to run the risk of dying without having tried to be happy with the person you love?”
“I…don’t know…”
“You deserve to be happy, Toby. And he deserves it too…I don’t know what happened to make you break up, but I know that the way you looked at each other before, was something special. Don’t give up on this Toby, go on talking, and fighting and find a way to make things work again. He loves you, don’t waste this opportunity to be happy”
And that said, Joe left. Leaving Toby open mouthed…
*********
Adil was closing his locker, ready to leave when…
“So you’re running away”
“Ms. Garland, I…”
“Did you tell Toby?”
Adil held his breath… she knows? He shook his head. He’d thought about the opportunity to have a final talk with his former lover, to explain him the reason why he decided to leave, but the possibility that this would end in another fight, made him decide to not tell Toby. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t care that much, since he was avoiding him.
“There’s something I can do or say to make you change your mind?”
“No…” Adil felt his eyes full of tears. He swear he wouldn’t cry, but it was so difficult “Would you keep an eye on Toby, for me?”
“I’d prefer you to do it…but…of course, I’ll watch over him”
“Thank you, Ms. Garland”
***********
Emma has just reached the reception desk where her father was standing, when Joe joined them. He looked shaken.
“Do you know where Adil is?” Joe asked, while Emma and Mr. Garland exchanged a concerned look.
“He’s left an hour ago”
“I need his address, I have to talk to him”
“Mr. O’Hara, Mr. Joshi has resigned, he’s leaving tomorrow to Bristol”
“What? Resigned? Leaving? And Toby knows it?”
Now, Mr. and Ms. Garland exchanged another kind of look: they realised they weren’t the only one to know what there was between Toby and Adil.
Emma replied “No, he didn’t tell him”
“We have to tell him, he has to know”
“I’m afraid he’s having dinner with Lady Priscilla right now…”
Joe was thinking of something to do to not let thigs end like this, when Mr. Garland explained his plan.
“I’m sure her Ladyship will understand. Emma, go tell Toby. Mr. O’Hara, I’ll have Mr. Hamilton’s car ready in a few minutes, would you drive him to Mr. Joshi’s flat?”
**********
Adil was packing his few things when he heard a knock on the door. It was probably his house holder who told earlier she would give him a piece of cake for his trip to Bristol…
The world stopped turning around him when he found Toby standing on his door.
As soon as Emma told him what Adil was going to do, he had no doubts, and talking again with joe during the drive to Paddington, made clear to him that they must have to work it out. It couldn’t end like this.
Adil let him in, but kept his distance.
“You’re leaving, and you didn’t plan to tell me?” Toby wasn’t angry, he was determined.
“I thought you didn’t care. In the end, I’m making you a favour, I’m doing what you asked me to…”
“What if I tell you, now, that I want you to stay?”
Adil was silent. He wanted to answer that it was too late, that he doesn’t have a good reason to stay, that he’s tired of them arguing, that the bitterness he still feels when he thinks back at the day he tried to kill himself isn’t going away, that he’s not able to manage a one way love. Because Toby has never told him “I love you”, and Adil has come to the conclusion that the feeling was one sided.
“There are a lot of reasons for me to leave, could you give me just a good one to stay?”
He was sure Toby wouldn’t find it, so he would have ended the discussion and dismissed him, but Toby smiled and Adil saw something in his smile that could change everything…
“I love you” Toby was looking straight into Adil’s eyes, without the slightest hesitation “I’ve probably loved you since the start, but it became clear to me when I thought you were dead in that shelter…I’ve never told it to you, because I was scared of the strength of this feeling…and it was a mistake. I said it when I was trying to wake you up the night you…but you probably didn’t hear me”
Adil was crying silently, he hasn’t realised tears have started to fall until Toby reached him and wiped them away from his cheeks. Feeling the touch of Toby’s fingers on his face made him shiver, an electric vibe passed through all his body.
He has wanted Toby to say the words for ages, and now he’s saying them when he was about to leave, making his certainty of having taken the right decision to waver. He had no reason to think Toby was lying, the look in his eyes was true, Adil was sure about it: Toby loved him. And his heart seemed to start to beat again, after months of coldness and loneliness and pain.
“Do you think this can be a good reason to stay?”
“Say it again”
Toby smiled “I love you, Adil Joshi”
“I love you too, Toby Hamilton”
They hug, they cried, they talked. They fell asleep holding each other tight. It was just the beginning, the road to heal the old wounds was long, but love will show them the way.