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Dan hovered outside the door to Phil’s room again. He wondered whether he should knock before entering. The separate bedrooms were really for show anyway, he decided eventually. He turned the handle gently so as not to startle him in the middle of his Tumblr scrolling on his bed. Phil usually only sat there when he needed space to think. And Dan bet today was just like any other.
Dan had been the one to bring it up this time, coming out to their audience. And it took Phil for a bit of a shock. They had talked about it plenty of times before, and back then Phil was all for it. That was until a certain leaked video humiliated him. Not that Dan thought the video should be humiliating, it was actually the sweetest thing he’d ever seen. But Phil was upset and so Dan was very upset, and so it went. Phil threw all thought of coming out to their fans out the window on that day. So today, when Dan had brought it up again, Phil nearly had flashbacks.
“I just think I’m comfortable with the idea now,” Dan said. “That’s all. I know who I am, and it’s beginning to feel wrong to put up a charade like we’re not actually in love.”
Phil had been beet red at the thought of the reactions.
“Everyone will jump down our throats though, Dan. What’s different now than it was before? Actually, no, I know what’s different. We have more fans, and we have spent more time hiding it from them, and they’ll be even more angry at us now for lying about it!”
Now Dan was getting angry at Phil. Well, not angry, really. He was hurt at the implication he felt at the words, and so he had to act angry.
“Damn Phil, so we’re so far in the lie that we just have to live it forever? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No, Dan, it’s just that that year was a wreck after what happened. I can’t go through that again. I just-” Phil stood and with both hands, gestured downward as he exhaled. This was their sign that they needed a break. He left for the bedroom.
Though he had already opened the door, Dan tapped the outside of it gently with his knuckles to signal his entrance. Phil raised his head from his phone and gave a weak smile.
“Safe to talk now?” Dan asked.
“Yeah, come here,” Phil patted next to him on top of the rarely-used green and blue duvet. He kept scrolling on his laptop. His faced scrunched up in pain and conflict as his boyfriend sat next to him.
“What are you looking at?”
“I searched us on Tumblr. From 2012,” Phil replied.
“Phil-” Dan began, but was quickly cut off.
“I can’t do it again, Dan. We hardly talked then. We stopped cuddling even when we were alone. I can’t lose you. We weren’t fun people.”
Dan grabbed Phil’s laptop and gently closed the screen, sliding it off his lap and onto the bed. He turned Phil’s face towards his own, so their eyes met.
“You asked what was different now, and I want to tell you what differences I see.” He kissed his cheek softly.
“This time, we’d be doing this willingly. It wouldn’t be any leak, or a hack, or a scandal. It would be us being honest with ourselves and our subscribers, on our terms,” Dan gently ran his thumb over his boyfriend’s incredibly high cheekbone as he spoke. “Phil, you taught me to see the positive in all things. And I want you to see how amazing this could be. Our families know about us, our close friends know about us, we’re supported, we’re loved, and if we decide to do this together it’s not going to tear us apart like last time. It’s going to make it so we can be genuine with each other all the time.”
Phil had shut his eyes and tilted his head into Dan’s hand, cherishing the feel of his fingertips across his face. His breathing had slowed, and a calm washed over the room. Phil reached up and grasped Dan’s hand in his own.
“Phil, what do you think?”
“We’ll always have each other. Let’s do it.” Dan’s face erupted with smile, that way it does only when Phil is nearby. He engulfed him in a hug, which nearly tipped them over. When they parted, Dan was still at a loss for words as Phil continued.
“So, what do you propose we do now? Mention it in a livestream? Twitter posts? Oh no, we may have to do a ‘Coming Out’ video.”
“No,” Dan said simply. “No, none of that seems right.”
“Then what?” Phil asked.
“We’ll just stop hiding it. We’ll just act how we want in front of the camera, and I won’t freak about editing everything out. We can joke around with them instead of fighting the shippers. It’ll be like a rebranding,” Dan chuckled to himself at the thought.
“A rebranding?” Phil repeated aloud. “Where we don’t hide or feelings for each other at all.” He thought about it for a time. “That sounds perfect, love.”
Phil grabbed Dan by the collar and pulled him into a gentle, slow kiss. Then an alarm went off. They checked both looked down at the phone beside them. 12:00am. 1st of January.
“Happy New Year, Dan.” Phil said as he rested his forehead against his.
“And what a wonderful 2016 we’ll have.”