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Dan had everything planned out. Somehow that didn’t stop the pounding in his chest. He stared out into the middle distance, going over the checklist in his mind.
“Dan?” Phil called, snapping him out of his stupor. “Are we ready to go?”
“Almost,” he said, checking his phone to catch the time. Just then, the doorbell rang. “Could you get that?”
Dan smiled gently while he watched his boyfriend turn the knob and greet the delivery man.
“Happy Valentine’s Day! Flowers for Phillis?” The man exclaimed. His voice was perky and upbeat, totally oblivious. Dan cringed at the mistake.
“There’s no Phillis here,” Phil replied kindly. He leaned against the door frame and scratched his head. “I’m trying to think if there are any Phillis’s in this building.”
The delivery man adjusted his crimson bow tie and shuffled the bouquet to his left hand.
“You’re sure she isn’t here? I’ve got flowers from a Daniel Powell, and I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve got like 6 other deliveries and,” he checked his watch, “about an hour to get them in.”
Dan hovered behind him and wrapped a hesitant arm around his waist.
“Hi! Hello, Dan Howell here,” he gestured to himself. “You’ve got an orchid for Phil?”
He sized up the delivery man, dressed in a white button down with matching red pants and suspenders. Barely eighteen, so Dan could surmise that it was not his mistake. Just now he could see the wheels turning in the poor kid’s head.
“No orchid, roses,” the boy said, eyes flitting between Dan and Phil and taking in the tender skimming of Dan’s hand against Phil’s torso. “Oh! Oh god, I’m sorry. Of course they’re for Phil. I’m so sorry. That’s my bad. I really don’t have the orchid though! I think I heard them talking about there being a mix up. I thought they were calling everyone-”
“It’s fine!” Dan said, grabbing the bouquet of roses out of his hands and reaching to push the door shut. “We’ll take them. No big deal, bye bye now!”
They were alone again, and Dan huffed.
“You got me flowers?” Phil asked, a tinge of excitement in his voice. The corners of his beautiful lips pulling back into a grin. He took them from Dan and sniffed deeply.
“It was supposed to be an orchid. I thought you’d like that better,” he groaned.
“I love them,” Phil said. He kissed Dan sweetly on the nose as he turned to fill a vase. He arranged the roses meticulously and fondly touched the petals.
“Great,” Dan interrupted. “Now we’re running late. Come on, the cab is probably waiting for us.” He ushered Phil out the door.
Dan tried to collect himself in the car. He had been organizing the whole date for weeks. Between the brainstorming, calling for reservations and tickets, and hiding it all from Phil because he’d like the surprise, it was draining. Sure, he knew it would be worth it, but it had exhausted him all the same.
Truth be told, Dan almost dreaded Valentine’s Day this year. It was sort of a touchy subject after last year, when a certain video resurfaced and nearly outed their sexualities and relationship all at once. He remembered how out of control he felt. Phil had posted it privately just for him, then the glitch released it. It hurt Phil most of all, and Dan found himself powerless to stop the endless comments and speculation. Thankfully, Dan’s deny-deny-deny tactic seemed to have let things blow over, in time. Still, Valentine’s Day in general left him with a bad taste in his mouth.
He just wanted Phil to forget about all of that. He wanted to make new memories to replace the old ones, and learn to love the sweet tradition again.
Dan snapped out of it when he tapped his head particularly hard against the cold, damp window of the cab. His face contorted into a grimace and he raised his hand to the throbbing ache in his skull.
“You alright there?” Phil asked. He felt Phil’s languid fingers on the inside of his knee. Dan met his eyes with a forced smile, lips tightly pressed together. He watched as Phil’s eyebrows furrowed with his concern.
“I’m fine, it’s fine.” Dan placed his hand gingerly atop Phil’s on his thigh, thankful for his never-ending care. He looked into the grey city traffic and watched the first few raindrops of the night begin to fall.
Phil was giggly with excitement when he first glimpsed the restaurant. Dan was grateful to hear his laugh as he opened his door for him. Phil covered his head as best he could, which was not at all, and skipped to the canopy.
It was chilly out, unseasonably warm at 10 degrees, but chilly all the same. Dan paid the driver and met Phil on the pavement. Phil brushed a raindrop off of his eyebrow and rubbed both hands against Dan’s upper arms over his jacket.
“Shall we go inside?” Phil asked.
“Yes please.”
The restaurant was small enough. Filled with mostly posh, middle-aged couples so Dan could relax a bit. The chances of being recognized here were slim to none. He exhaled slowly, taking in the dark wood atmosphere and the clean white tablecloths.
He watched as Phil looked around as well, his smile engulfing his face and his tongue peeking out between his teeth.
“Name, monsieurs?” the host asked in a thick French accent that they could barely understand.
“Howell,” Dan said with a shaky voice. His experience with fancy restaurants was limited to say the least. “Party of two.”
“Ah, yes, your table for seven o’clock,” the host not-so-subtly looked at the large clock behind the podium, which read 7:11. “We keep reserved tables for fifteen minutes past time, so no need to worry.”
Despite the words, Dan still felt the undertone of disapproval. The guilt washed over him in a single wave and he hung his head as they were led to a semi-private table toward the back of the dining room.
Phil sat against the wall and Dan slid into a chair next to him, overlooking the other guests. He felt out of place.
“Your menus,” the French waiter said. “I’ll give you two a moment.”
“Could I order two glasses of your sweetest champagne?” Dan called to the man’s back.
“I’m afraid we’re out of champagne,” he replied. “Will another sparkling white wine do?”
“Oh, yes that’s good,” he said, leaving the waiter to turn away with a flourish. Phil didn’t miss the disappointment in his voice.
“Dan, it’s fine.” Phil reached across the table and gripped his hand tightly. “What’s the matter with you today?”
He rubbed his forehead softly. He was bringing the mood down, he could feel it. The problem was, Dan could do very little to stop it. Telling Phil about all of the pressure he’s feeling would surely make the date worse.
Dan stumbled over his words, waiting for an excuse to spill out of his lips. He was grateful when the waiter came back, uncorking the wine bottle right before their eyes and pouring their glasses for them. Dan thanked them with a tight lipped grin and a nod.
“I’m sorry,” Dan said when they were alone once again. “I’ve been a twat today.” He avoided the question, but Phil decided to let it slide. He picked up his menu and bit his lip.
“What does any of this mean, anyway?” Phil chuckled. Dan looked down at his menu to find that he could hardly pronounce, let alone understand, anything it said.
“I’m not really sure,” he confessed. “I just thought it would be nice to go somewhere fancy for a change.”
Phil’s eyes softened at the corners, the way they do when he most feels appreciated. He laid his hand out across the table, open and waiting for Dan to clasp it, to run his fingertips about his skin.
“I’m really glad I’m here with you,” Phil told him.
Dan brought his arm out from under the table and stretched to meet Phil, but his shaky disposition betrayed him. He felt the glass brush against his skin, and jerked suddenly. The glass toppled over and the still full glass of wine dumped all down Phil’s jacket and the front of his trousers.
Phil jumped to his feet quickly, and was met by three waiters with towels pressing into his body.
“Oh, shit!” Dan shouted. His words were met with a disapproving glare from a table nearby. “I’m sorry Phil. I’m such a screw up.” He shot an apologetic look to the older couple as well. They scoffed and continued their meal.
“It’s not a big deal,” Phil said, as he wiped a splatter from his chin as well.
“Your new jacket, Phil. You just got it!” Dan clenched his hands, hard. He felt his nails biting into his palm.
Phil was dry enough fairly quickly and he returned to his seat, puzzled and slightly annoyed.
“It’s white wine, Dan. It won’t stain. Just sit down.”
The two ordered their entrees as quietly as possible, so as not to disturb the atmosphere any further. When Dan gave the menu back, Phil caught a glimpse of red.
Catching his wrist in mid-air, Phil examined the damage Dan had done. Four crescent shaped imprints littered his palm and small streaks of blood trailed behind them. Phil gave him his napkin to grip.
“You need to calm down,” he said. His voice had a tinge of anger at the edges.
He messed it up again, Dan thought. He could feel himself sinking into a spiral downward. Every step he took made him slip further. Every desperate grasp to pull himself up, to salvage this day, backfired and sent him tumbling further. Was he really so incapable of showing Phil just one nice night out?
They ate in near silence, apart from some pleasantries and obligatory questions about how their food tasted. Phil was the first one to really speak.
“Listen, I’m sorry for getting mad at you,” he said. Dan listened patiently. “You’re just bringing me down! I don’t care if the flowers are wrong, or if we’re ten minutes late, or if they’re out of champagne straight from Champagne, France.”
Dan understood. He wasn’t quite sure how to escape that spiral, but he knew he had to.
“You’re right,” Dan replied. “I know you’re right.”
He would have expected to be pissed after eating an awkwardly fancy meal beside a quiet boyfriend, but in truth Dan felt better after having time to stew.
“Your check, monsieurs,” the waiter said as he presented the expectedly high bill. Dan felt his pocket, the flat empty fabric soft against his thigh.
“Ugh, I forgot my cards,” he said, embarrassed. “I guess I just brought the cash for the cab. But I don’t have enough on me for this.”
Phil pulled his wallet from his breast pocket, an easy smile on his face.
“I’ll get it. All our money goes to the flat anyway. It may as well be both of ours.”
This time, Dan didn’t get upset. He breathed deeply.
“Thank you.” He could turn this around, he knew it.
Less than 20 minutes later, they were in line for the final event of the date: The London Eye.
The streets were full of lovers, waiting to be guided onto the ferris wheel to overlook all of the city. Dan was antsy, still. He’d never been a fan of crowds and his small-time claim to fame left him feeling very exposed in the night air. They could be seen. It could be The Video all over again. He had assessed this risk weeks ago though, and decided to take it.
He leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder, shivering and huddling closer to warm him up. He was still a bit damp, after all. Dan looked up at the lights of the wheel, at just how massive the structure was. It made him feel small. The sensation was all too familiar for him. At times, Dan appreciated the reminder of just how big the world was. In his younger days, he would look up at the night sky and the insignificance of his life would be a comfort. He could never fuck up badly enough to destroy the stars.
That was back when nothing mattered. Now Dan was grown and in love, and he enjoyed his life, for the most part. But he had so much to lose. Feeling small and insignificant was just a reminder of his powerlessness in keeping it all together.
Dan caught the eyes of a young girl, no older than sixteen, and her eyes widened in realization. He watched her stop dead in her tracks, and her gaze flickered between his face and Phil’s. She recognized them. She knew. He snapped his head up off of Phil’s shoulder, but the girl just gave him a gentle nod and continued on her way.
He sighed in relief and his breath made a white cloud in front of him. Just then, the line pushed forward and they were next. A woman directed them into the seat, but Dan could hardly see anyone but Phil.
Dan took that moment to admire the way light reflected in his blue eyes. The way they shined even after Dan messed up an entire day by just being himself. Yet after the contraption spun them up into the air, always a bit more quickly than Dan expected, the rest of the day melted off of his mind.
“I can’t believe you brought me here today, Dan.” Phil bit his lower lip excitedly.
“Well,” Dan explained. “I just thought it would be a nice reminder of the day we met. I mean, it’s not the Big Wheel, but-”
Phil interrupted him with a hasty kiss. Dan pulled back at first, but he knew they were safe here in the night sky, the London lights surrounding them. He pressed back into Phil’s lips with care.
“I love you,” Phil said as they parted. “Now, tell me what’s been wrong today?”
Dan couldn’t deny Phil an answer anymore. It wouldn’t be fair. He wrung his hands together, but Phil took one in his own to steady him.
“I just felt so much pressure,” he admit. “I wanted to make this Valentine’s Day so much better than any you’ve ever had before. I wanted to have this day back for us. And I didn’t want you to think about how it’s been ruined.”
Dan laughed hollowly. He saw no humor in it, not really.
“And then I guess it just made every minor detail that went wrong worse. So I’d get pissy and then that made it worse. Which made me make more mistakes because I was so anxious.”
Phil smiled, which may have ticked Dan off if he didn’t have the most beautiful smile.
“I’m so glad you wanted to do all this for me, but I don’t need fancy dates and orchids to have a nice Valentine’s Day.” Dan could feel a blush creeping up his neck despite the cold as Phil spoke. “I just need you with me. And happy!”
“I know that,” Dan said just as the wheel came to a stop, leaving them at the highest point. He squeezed against Phil a little tighter.
Dan could see all the way across London, and he was flooded with an urge to run. He usually associated running with escape, but this time the compulsion was more like a need to experience it all for himself. He felt boundless up here. It reminded him of their move to the city from Manchester, how new the decision was. They just began a show on Radio 1 together and it felt like they could conquer anything, so long as they were by each other’s sides.
Dan could feel lips brushing against his hair, and he grinned into it.
“I love you, Phil.”
Together, they were limitless. And they’d only just begun.