Work Text:
The Way That I Love You
Baekhyun pulls himself up with a gasping breath. Running his hands through his hair in frustration, he blindly searches around the top of his bedside table to grab his loudly buzzing phone.
“Hello…” Baekhyun mumbled. It was only 1:30AM on a Saturday night, still an unwelcome yet predictable call at this time. Baekhyun’s quiet life often lent itself to a lack of ‘wild weekend nights’.
Baekhyun’s ear was greeted with a noise of clamoring voices and a pounding base indicative of either a party or a club. “Hey, dude. I know it’s late as hell but I need you to help me. I’m at Violet.. Can you please come? I’m sorry and I know that it’s late for you but – “
“-It’s fine. I’ll be there, hold on for twenty minutes.” Baekhyun ended the call, groaning as he blinked furiously in an attempt to wake up enough to get dressed and leave his warm and comfortable apartment.
He stumbled across the dark room to his closet after switching on his bedside lamp to see. Unfortunately he couldn’t go out to Violet, a known upper status club, dressed in an old T-Shirt and baggy sweatpants. Baekhyun grabbed the stack of black clothes he had set aside in a shelf for times like these in which he would be called in to ‘save the day’ which involved looking somewhat like a 10.
This wasn’t the first time, but Baekhyun knew that this definitely wouldn’t be the last as he pulled on the all-too-familiar rhinestone embellished blazer.
The cold air was biting as Baekhyun wrapped his knee-length black puffy jacket around himself in an attempt at keeping the cold away. Violet was no more than a ten minute walk from Baekhyun’s apartment atop a café, but of course public transportation wasn’t running this late.
The brisk speed walk was short and boring, street lights lining the way to the club a few blocks down. A midnight glossy black exterior with light purple neon twisting the word ‘VIOLET’ sided by a, well, violet flower.
It didn’t take long for Baekhyun to find who he came for once he made it into the club. Standing at a stunning six foot two, Baekhyun’s silver-haired best friend was often hard to miss. He also often had some girl (or two…or three) hanging around like a planet stuck in an orbit – they were Baekhyun’s obstacle in more ways than one.
Baekhyun let himself slip into the mentality he knew all too well as he looked at his best friend trying to literally remove a tall, clingy, female from his bicep.
“Chanyeol…who is this?” Baekhyun called out over the pounding tropical house beats, sauntering over to his best friend with the low heels on his black leather boots making pronounced and commanding clacks on the glowing dance floor.
The clear sensation of relief appeared on Chanyeol’s face as he saw Baekhyun approach with a look of jealousy pointed towards the girl who had since grabbed onto Chanyeol’s right arm.
“This is no one.” Chanyeol said as his eyes never left Baekhyun, pushing the girl’s death grip hand off of his arm and walking right next to Baekhyun. “She seems to think that we are a thing or that I owe her my affection…”
“Oh is that so?” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow and narrowed his sharply-lined eyes. “You must be mistaken, dear, he happens to be my boyfriend. So whatever connection you think you have to him is incorrect. Go find someone else to fantasize over.”
Chanyeol was nearly beaming with an expression of adoration at the little fireball of passion he called his best friend.
“Well then if he is your boyfriend, you should know that he’s unfaithful.”
Oh believe me, I know he’s unfaithful. Baekhyun thought to himself. “I am aware, but at the end of the day, I was the one he called to come home with. What happens in the middle of the day or night is of no concern to either of us. So goodbye, whoever you are, Chanyeol and I will be leaving.” Baekhyun reached out a hand and Chanyeol quickly slid his to interlace their fingers.
Baekhyun dragged Chanyeol out of Violet with all of the strength of an exhausted person awoken at 2am, which was not that much, so Chanyeol threw a long arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders and let him slump into him as they left.
“You owe me…again” Baekhyun grumbled. Chanyeol opened up the passenger side door to his obnoxiously bright orange sports car, gently setting a very tired Baekhyun in, “I know, I know. I’ll make it up to you, sunshine.”
“Just take me home Chanyeol, and stay over. You need to rest too.”
Chanyeol smoothed over the misplaced black hairs on Baekhyun forehead, “I will, and I’m sorry for waking you up again.”
“It’s fine, Chanyeol. Just try and be more careful in the future.” The short drive back to Baekhyun’s café had Baekhyun feeling himself falling into the same pattern, one that he wished he could break free from, yet could not imagine living without.
Baekhyun met Chanyeol in their fourth year of primary school when the latter moved to the school district and matched into nearly all of Baekhyun’s classes. The two became fast friends, both being happy, kind, and gentle souls. Teachers loved them, students wished to be their friends.
Reaching graduation, Baekhyun and Chanyeol knew they had to choose different paths, Baekhyun leaving for university for a degree in business administration while Chanyeol knew he had to follow his long-lived passion for music and majored in music composition. The two went to different yet geographically close universities, remaining best friends over the course of four years even though each went through changes maturity-wise. Most notably, Chanyeol met a few guys and formed a band, he being the drummer of. The band built up a major underground following, playing at many clubs and gaining popularity. Along with a growth in popularity, Chanyeol found an affinity for one-night-stands and hookups (giving his self confidence massive boosts), many of which trailed after a show playing at one of the nightclubs. He never seemed to have any sort of desire for any sort of commitment, and he never ran out of girls or guys that would literally clamber at the opportunity to spend an evening with him.
Baekhyun knew that working in a cubicle wasn’t for him, so he used his carefully kept and hard earned savings to pay for rent and a few appliances to open a café. Around the campus area for the two colleges, there were only the large name-brand places for coffee like Starbucks, and Baekhyun loved things that were original and homemade, so he felt this was a good idea. He poured his heart and soul into creating The Nest, a cozy and warm café in a corner location. Chanyeol helped as much as possible with painting and designing the café, so Baekhyun could always look warmly upon The Nest, knowing it was the product of many long nights of laughter and happy moments shared by the best friends. Upstairs of The Nest was a smaller studio apartment, so Baekhyun never had to leave his nest if he didn’t want to. There was of course a small second bedroom area with an extra bed for the times that Baekhyun needed somewhere to keep Chanyeol after a long night of parties. Chanyeol had his own apartment of course, but it was about a 15 minute drive from The Nest, so many nights turned into sleepovers reminiscent of past years.
The Nest grew with popularity amongst the locals, college students and professors, often a few elderly couples would stop in and have (quite a few) cups of coffee and delicious pastries baked in-house by Baekhyun himself, who had developed an affinity for baking as well.
The café’s demand required Baekhyun to hire some of his friends from college, namely Baekhyun’s two handsome and charming friends Minseok and Yixing, both docile and responsible workers (that brought in plenty of tips) and added to the relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere of the café that kept a long list of return customers. Minseok could also create some of the prettiest latte designs that made for wonderfully viral Pinterest or Instagram pictures.
Baekhyun’s life seemed very much like the shade of beige, warm and comfortable.
Chanyeol’s life seemed like a whole kaleidoscope of darker pigments and neon; lively yet unpredictable. Fun, per say.
It was only Baekhyun that could get Chanyeol to soften up and relax, but it was also only Chanyeol that knew how to make Baekhyun feel alive. The two best friends were always in a well-balanced equilibrium, never a dull week in existence between the two of them.
Most often, this “feeling alive” came in the form of Chanyeol either dragging along or calling Baekhyun to come save him from one of his many hook-ups at a nightclub. Chanyeol knew that Baekhyun would always be there as a distraction in case of a girl (or two) wanting more than just one thing. Baekhyun rationalized it as “friends helping friends” and “getting out of his comfort zone” once in a while wasn’t a terrible idea, necessarily.
Chanyeol never put much thought into it, but he did enjoy (in almost equal proportions) Baekhyun’s appearance to ‘save’ him and take him home. Chanyeol may have loved the wild side of life, but he also loved knowing that Baekhyun was always his home ground of consistency that would always be there for him.
But Baekhyun was harboring years of growing affection. He wasn’t sure if it was ”love” in a textbook fashion, but he certainly cared for Chanyeol in ways that are beyond friendship. He quite literally thought the world of Chanyeol, which was decently logical, the latter being genetically gifted in height and a well structured face shape….blatantly, Chanyeol was hot and he knew it. Chanyeol also often would show his kind heart, through little daily acts of kindness that Baekhyun would pay adept attention to so that they could be engraved into his mind for years to come. Chanyeol indeed had grown up and matured into quite the young man, but Baekhyun could still look up at his best friend and see the boy that he has known as his safe ground for most of his life.
It was March when Chanyeol’s band made it big. They signed a contract with a label and had a promise to release an official album, tours and everything. Chanyeol was ecstatic, and Baekhyun couldn’t be happier for his best friend. Except Baekhyun found himself seeing Chanyeol less and less as his days were filled with time at the studio and time perfecting the songs he had written.
Two months after signing the record contract, one of Chanyeol’s band members, the bassist Chulmin, had gotten into a bit of a mess. He, in a similar manner to Chanyeol, enjoyed the nightclub scene and finding momentary romance while quite inebriated. However, Chulmin ended up dealing with drugs and other illegal means, something that Chanyeol would never do. The entertainment press caught word of this, and the record company dropped Chanyeol’s band the very next day.
Chanyeol took this harshly, as anyone would. He enjoyed the small amount of fame he had from the underground following, but he was hungry for even more. He wanted to be known as great, he wanted his music to be played on speakers all over the world. Stressed out further than before, Chanyeol frequented clubs with a newfound vigor. Baekhyun was used to being called to “save me from this girl or guy” duty no more than once every two weeks or so. Sometimes, it was once a week, but those were rare weeks and used to only happen before or after creation of new songs.
In one week alone, Baekhyun was called five times. Baekhyun went four.
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday; Baekhyun showed up at clubs across town with the same black ensemble and title of Chanyeol’s Boyfriend That Has Come To Take Him Home, Thank You Very Much.
Saturday? Saturday was different. Baekhyun was running on significantly less sleep for the whole week, and when Baekhyun is sleep deprived, he is cranky. When Baekhyun is cranky, he doesn’t stand for anything he does not like. He was nearly expecting the call, but he still made every attempt of sticking to his nighttime routine of going to bed at a decent 11PM, setting his alarm to 6:30 AM, knowing that he would need to start the processes of the bakery in the early morning whether or not Chanyeol called him..
The black leather embellished outfit was laying right at the foot of his bed, expectant and calling out Baekhyun’s name as he stared at it with wide eyes. The shoes that carried him across town and back. The jacket that was in between Chanyeol’s protectively-slung arm and Baekhyun’s shoulders. The outfit carried many stories, but it hit Baekhyun all at once. When did Chanyeol ever do something of this caliber for him? Even as just a friend, did Chanyeol really love him? Would he ever love him? Was all of these years just a waste? Did Baekhyun give Chanyeol his all, only to have wasted it on a man that will never love him back? And most importantly, what if he stopped being the hero in times like these?
Oh. Well. That is a possibility.
Baekhyun sat up in bed, and reached down to the foot of the bed where the tall dark stack of clothing was, taunting him, and ceremoniously pushed it off his bed and into a crumpled pile on the floor.
Baekhyun knew what this meant, and he knew that the storm was still yet to come. What he mentally started, he will finish. If it is independence and respect he wants, then damn it, he will get it. If he wants to find out for good if Chanyeol does or ever will love him, it’s quite literally the breaking point, so now or never.
Of course, not long after he settled back into bed, his phone rang with the ever-familiar ringtone. “What now Chanyeol?” Baekhyun answered without a proper warm greeting.
“Hey Sunshine!! I miss you!!! Come meet me at Crystal!! Maybe get all dressed up and fancy like you do?” Chanyeol drunkenly yelled into the phone over the pounding tropical beats.
Baekhyun rolled his eyes. Chanyeol wasn’t exactly disproving his case, and if anything, Baekhyun could see more clearly now that he needed to break this cycle. “Not tonight Chanyeol, get someone else to get rid of the girl and call a car to drive you home. I’m tired and you know very well that I need to get up early in the mornings. Goodnight Chanyeol, get home safely.”
“Wait, wha-” Chanyeol started as Baekhyun closed his phone, setting it on silent as a flood of message notifications came in as Chanyeol was furiously texting.
This was the first night that Baekhyun completely fell asleep. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or it was the relaxation that came with knowing that he was doing what was right for him.
The next morning, Baekhyun was awake with the chirping of birds and his cell phone alarm. Checking his phone, he saw an influx of messages from his friend, ranging from the confused to the angry, then to the frustrated ones. Literally shrugging it off, Baekhyun put on his cafe uniform and made his way out to his kitchen to throw together a breakfast.
The day panned out like any other day, Minseok and Yixing coming in around 7:30AM to start setting up for the day, arranging chairs and making the place presentable by fluffing the pillows on the couches and setting up the newspapers and books out.
Around closing time, 8PM, the door to The Nest crashed open, Chanyeol stumbling into the cafe, dressed quite well in a leather black jacket and tight black jeans, carrying his black leather backpack off one shoulder. (Chanyeol liked black leather, he said it was ‘edgy’) “Baekhyun, where are you?”
Baekhyun, standing right off to the side at the espresso machine, rolled his eyes. He was the only one left in the cafe, Yixing and Minseok had went home for the night at 7PM. “I’m right here Chanyeol, what the heck is wrong with you?”
“What is wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?! Why didn’t you come when I called you last night? I wasn’t sure if you were sick or not!” Chanyeol sauntered over and rest his head in his hands to look at Baekhyun.
Baekhyun scoffed, “If you actually cared about my health, then it wouldn’t have taken you twenty hours to come check up on me. And I’m fine. You’re the one I’m worried about, why are your eyes so bloodshot, and you don’t look like yourself anymore.”
“But you always come save me! I need you!” Chanyeol pouted. Clearly this was a game to one person.
“Chanyeol, if we are going to talk about this, then go upstairs. I’m not doing this down here in my cafe space.”
Chanyeol shrugged and grabbed his dropped leather bag, slinging it casually over his right shoulder as his long legs made short work of the flight of stairs up to Baekhyun’s apartment. Baekhyun sadly shook his head, maybe he just was taking this more seriously than Chanyeol was.
Baekhyun felt like he was walking towards a thunderstorm that he knew awaited him upstairs.
Sitting, actually lounging, on the grey couch in Baekhyun’s living room was Chanyeol with his large notebook open with scribbles of chords and lyrics galore.
Baekhyun cautiously removed his black cafe apron, smoothing down his soft burgundy shirt underneath. He walked over to his metal refrigerator, opening the door to get his premade iced coffee before leaning against the kitchen counter looking at Chanyeol.
“Firstly, I’m not sick. So you don’t have to worry about that. But, I do think we need to talk about this past week. You called me five times total, Chanyeol. You’ve never called that much, and it’s going beyond just being stressed out now.” Baekhyun fiddled consciously with the iced coffee mug. Chanyeol hummed in what could be assumed as positive acknowledgement.
“Chanyeol, as your best friend, I want the only best for you. I know you’re gorgeous and all that, but really you could be doing so much better and finding someone that really loves and respects you. Isn’t that important to you?”
“You know that I’m just messing around, I don’t want anything real or serious. I’m just relieving stress and having fun while I can. Don’t get so worked up over it.” Chanyeol didn’t even look up from his notebook, the words falling from his lips as if they were rehearsed. As if it was just what he told himself in the mirror to be able to fall asleep at night and face the next day.
“Chanyeol, you know I care so much about you. I worry that this isn’t healthy for you, god knows what could happen physically to you one day, but also this can’t be good for your mental health. I want you to find love and I don’t want you to do this for the rest of your life. I only say this because I want you to be happy and successful in the long run, and best friends are supposed to be there as a guide but also a shoulder to lean on.”
Chanyeol still didn’t even look up from his notebook where he was scribbling (probably chords or lyric ideas, some of his best ideas came in the latest night) “I’m honestly fine, you know that you don’t need to worry about me Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun didn’t know whether to shut up or push the idea further, they probably had conversations that started like this (and ended at Chanyeol passively dismissing Baekhyun’s concerns) at least once every two or three months. “I’ve had to come “rescue you” four times this week. That’s double what I usually come and help you with. I’m tired too Chanyeol, you know my schedule and how early I open the café! Not that I don’t want you to call if you need me, I’m just trying to say that it’s more than usual and I’ve noticed and I’m worried about you.”
Chanyeol put down his pen and walked over to the kitchen counter where Baekhyun was resting his head on his arms. “I know that you’re worried, but I’m always careful. I can try and do it less, okay? You do know that it’s a source of stress relief for me, and with the way things are going with the band, I’m pretty damn stressed lately.” Chanyeol poked Baekhyun’s cheek softly. “You always did care so much about me Baekhyun, I don’t deserve you.”
“Damn right you don’t deserve me.”
Chanyeol laughed and reached out to touch Baekhyun’s hair, “Ah, Baekhyun, how I love you.”
Love? As if.
Baekhyun stopped leaning on his palm, adjusting to stand with stiff posture and an unchanging stone façade. Clearly Chanyeol didn’t get it.
“Chanyeol, you don’t love me.”
Chanyeol looked terribly confused. Of course he loved his best friend, isn’t everyone supposed to love their best friend?
“Baekhyun, you know that I love you”
“But never in the way that I love you”
“What do you mean?”
“I love you Chanyeol, more than just as a friend and more than you would ever love me in return.”
Chanyeol stood aghast, jaw dropped open with his eyes sinking down to his scuffed leather boots. “Oh…you mean…… Baekhyun, I don’t know what you want me to say to that.”
Baekhyun felt like throwing up. Years and years of dropping hints and staying by Chanyeol’s side for his every beck and call and it was all for what seemed like nothing. He had hoped that along the way somehow Chanyeol would have realized Baekhyun’s worth and feelings and gotten to a point of reciprocation.
“You don’t know what I want you to say to that, huh.” Baekhyun scoffed. “I’ve been thinking about this, and I realized that I can’t do this anymore.”
“…What do you mean? Can’t do this anymore? What is ‘this’? Why all of a sudden are you-”
“ - I’m beyond fucking tired of waking up at 2AM to a phone call from you to do whatever you want only to get shitty half-assed friendship in return. I need help in the cafe in the mornings, but you won’t get out of bed until noon so I have to carry shipments in myself. Not just the little small picky stuff about the cafe, but haven’t you ever tried not being selfish and maybe thought how the fuck this has affected me mentally? I’m not doing this anymore, Chanyeol. Find someone else, I’m sure one of the people you’ve met up with in the past would love to be your fake significant other so you can go mess around with whoever you want. I need a break from you. I’ve neglected myself for too long just to make you happy. I’m fucking done.”
Baekhyun didn’t cry as he screamed in utter frustration at Chanyeol. He worried about his own breaking point, having thought over what he would say to Chanyeol if and when this time came. But still, nothing could have prepared him for the emotional drain he felt as he looked at Chanyeol standing in his apartment knowing that this may be the last time he let him into his home.
Chanyeol looked conflicted, shifting his weight and his mouth opening in attempts to formulate some sort of reason to make Baekhyun change his mind and to take back what he said. He began to realize all of the little things that he had blown Baekhyun off for, cancelled movie nights for hanging out with his band members, consumed more coffee than he helped out at the cafe to repay for, and flaunting new conquests in front of Baekhyun every week.
“I didn’t know you felt that way…you know that I don’t ‘do love’ and that’s not what I’m looking for…I’ve been open with you about that, even if I didn’t realize you, uh, liked me in that way…but don’t push me away for good Baekhyun. I’m sorry that I’ve been a shitty friend, but I don’t want to lose my best friend.” Chanyeol’s dark eyebrows shifted between confused, hurt, and panicked. This was a mess and he wasn’t sure how to fix it.
“Of course I fucking liked you, I just told you that I loved you. Haven’t you ever tried caring about what is happening with the people other than yourself in this world? Other people have feelings and other people need to feel loved too, Chanyeol. It’s nothing but your own fault that you didn’t feel like noticing my actions and feelings. They were clear as day. ”
“Seriously? You’re blaming this on me?” Baekhyun scoffed at Chanyeol’s childish comment and crossed his arms. Blame?
“I guess that’s it then. I’ll see you around Baekhyun.” Chanyeol grabbed his leather backpack and made it to and out the door in five long strides, barely enough time for it to register in Baekhyun’s mind.
‘Fine. Leave.’ Baekhyun wanted to yell in response. His throat had dried like a desert, feet feeling bolted heavily to the floor.
He watched his apartment door slam, Chanyeol’s heavy leather boots running down the flight of stairs and out of the cafe front.
“Goodbye, then.” Baekhyun whispered.
The next morning that Baekhyun woke up, he didn’t want to get out of bed. He didn’t care about The Nest, and rather, he knew that stepping foot outside of the room would hurt him in ways unimaginable. How could he go out into the living room where he lost his best friend? And how could he go down and work in the café for hours, the sun was just rising and this was the usual time that he was up brightly and ready to go start baking.
But deep down, Baekhyun knew that he couldn’t physically push himself, even though he knew he needed to open the cafe and move on with his life, act like nothing happened. Perhaps his two workers could open and start the cafe this morning, Baekhyun was thankful that he gave Minseok and Yixing keys to the cafe for times like this (not as if he could foresee this day exactly).
He reached over to the nightstand where his phone was charging all night, upon opening it and seeing not a single message from Chanyeol, no apology or anything at all, Baekhyun felt himself break down even further. Quickly finding the contact for Minseok and calling it before he started to cry proved to be quite the task when one's eyes are filling with tears.
“Minseok…I need help. I can’t run the café today.”
“That’s okay! Yixing and I can handle it, have you started baking or the coffee brewing? And is there a reason why?”
Baekhyun’s mind knew what to say, but his throat tightened and his eyes started to burn. “I…” he started, but unable to finish because he started to cry. Baekhyun rarely cried, and Minseok wasn’t sure if he ever heard him sound in so much pain. “Baekhyun, are you okay? Fuck, Yixing and I are coming over right now.”
“I’m not okay…” Baekhyun curled himself further into the corner of his bed, almost trying to crawl away from the opposite direction of the rest of his apartment. Just saying that hurt him. Damp eyelashes sticking together, Baekhyun let out all of the tears and frustration that refused to come the night previous.
“Baekhyun, you don’t need to explain to me over the phone, or at least anytime until you’re ready. I know you’re not okay, but that’s okay and I will do everything in my power to make you feel better and to fix this. Yixing and I will be right over, and then we are taking you out of there for some air. I’ll post on the café’s social medias that we are closed for the next week, okay? Revenue was very high this whole month, so don’t worry rent or payments either.”
Baekhyun mumbled a vague ‘Okay’ while hearing what he guessed was Minseok and Yixing getting into their car and starting to drive.
He wasn’t sure how he was going to tell Minseok and Yixing about Chanyeol, because he wasn’t even sure that the reality of what happened just a night ago was real and that Chanyeol was gone, possibly forever.
“We’ll be there in about 10 minutes, if traffic is good. I’ll just stay on the line if you want me to.”
“Yeah, that’s okay.”
Baekhyun must have still been exhausted, because he didn’t realize it until Minseok was shaking his shoulder awake, that he had fallen asleep on his bed. Minseok and Yixing must have let themselves in with the key to the cafe.
Yixing sat down beside Baekhyun and pulled him into a loose hug. Baekhyun dug his head into Yixing’s shoulder, comfortably resting on the soft grey hoodie material. Minseok began clearing away the dishes out in the kitchen that had accumulated over the past day, trying to bring a sense of clean to the apartment, turning on the lights in the living room and hallway as well.
“I’m guessing there was a reason that you called us first before someone else, did something happen between you and Chanyeol last night?” Judging by how Baekhyun’s head fell even heavier onto Yixing’s shoulder and his fingers tightened around the baggy sleeve, the answer was a definite yes.
“I see, would it help if you stayed over at our place? I’m sure Kyungsoo and Jongin wouldn’t mind you coming over. They love you.”
“Can I?” Baekhyun whispered, looking up at Yixing with the most broken eyes. Yixing’s heart broke in response. Baekhyun was the soft, gentle, and kind soul that found happiness in the small things and trusted (sometimes) a little too much. “You can stay as long as you want. Min, call Kyungsoo and ask.” Minseok nodded in response and pulled out his phone to call their suite-mate.
“Do you need help packing a bag? It might be nice to have some of your clothing and tech if you’re staying with us.”
Baekhyun sniffled but nodded and pulled himself off of Yixing, walking to a white wooden closet door in the living room to pull out a large black metal suitcase, trudging back to his room and closet.
Yixing sighed, he hadn’t seen Baekhyun so upset in all of the years that he had known him. He knew that Chanyeol meant the world to Baekhyun, so if something happened between the two, Baekhyun would logically be feeling very broken. Not that he would have remembered, but one very late night during a drinking game in college, Baekhyun had confessed that he loved Chanyeol more than a friend and that he had been dealing with unrequited love for years now. So in a way, he didn’t know for sure, but he had a strong inkling as to what this was about.
In that week away from his apartment, Baekhyun stayed over at the shared apartment complex between Minseok and Yixing in one half and the other half occupied by their other friends, Jongin and Kyungsoo.
Everything seemed to hit Baekhyun at once. The first evening of staying at the apartment, bundled in blankets with hands wrapped around a cup of coffee, Baekhyun blurted out the whole rundown of events from the previous night. He stated that he was completely and irrevocably done with Chanyeol, and he knew that he needed to move on.
“But how? How am I supposed to move on from someone? He’s all my heart has known.”
“My dear, you need to move on for yourself. Not moving on to someone else, not rebounding, not forgetting. You need to take this experience, bring it all in at once, and breathe. Know that you’re not okay. But that in itself is okay. Everything will be okay in the end, and since it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Know that you still have life moving forward, and you have the world of opportunities within your reach. This sucks, yes, but with time you will heal your heart and mind. And we will all be here; Yixing, Kyungsoo, and Jongin, and I, to support you and make sure that you know you are still loved wholeheartedly.”
Baekhyun healed with time, fresh air, chocolate truffles, and a lot of quality time with friends. Turns out the couple living in the other half of Minseok and Yixing’s apartment space had some partially similar relationship issues and were eager to help out and listen to Baekhyun’s tribulations. Baekhyun spent much of his time walking around the city, or taking the train out to the countryside where he found a cafe located along a forest line. The owners, two stunningly gorgeous men named Luhan and Sehun, welcomed him and the three became fast friends after learning the Baekhyun was the owner of The Nest. Baekhyun promised to come back and visit them to share pastry and muffin recipes and catch up over coffee brought from their own shops. Luhan and Sehun, who Baekhyun later found out were quite the precious married couple, were wise beyond their year and also worked their hardest to bring the sunshine back to Baekhyun’s smile via their outside cafe air and lots and lots of espresso.
Baekhyun felt the pain of an ended relationship, because romantic or platonic, it was still a relationship and he was connected with Chanyeol. The pain did grow to be less and less every day, working through it piece by piece certainly felt to help.
Pain shows itself to us all in different ways. Some of us deal with the pain head on, writing down events and how they made us feel, talking it over with friends on repeat like a broken record with the hopes of uncovering some deeper feeling or meaning to it all. Some of us others push away the pain for as long as humanly possible, shoving it and the feelings associated aside each time they came back like a rubber band.
Chanyeol was the latter. At night, returning to Violet or any other chain club to get an adrenaline high off of the very lifestyle that ruined his during the day. He knew it wasn’t logical, but he felt pain and wanted to forget that it was there. Chanyeol felt his pain grow and simmer every evening.
One Month Later
“Baekhyun, someone is here. And I think they’re here for you.” Yixing leaned back into the bakery area behind the counter on a spring morning. Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrowed with the cryptic message, looking up to the shop door only to see it swing open to allow a familiar but slightly unwelcome face into The Nest.
“I can send him away if you want me to….” Yixing offered. Baekhyun wasn’t sure if he should run away before the person could spot him or stand his ground. This was, after all, his cafe, and Baekhyun was a strong soul.
“Yeah, I can’t do this...no, actually wait. Yixing, look at his eyes and hair, he’s a fucking wreck. He must not have slept for the whole month, dyed his hair, or hell even combed it. Let me talk to him. You two didn’t help me to be strong only to crumble the first time I see him.” Yixing smiled softly and rest his hand on Baekhyun’s cheek.
“You always were strong, we didn’t make you into anything you didn’t have capable inside anyway.”
Minseok on the other hand, was stacking dessert plates beside the racks of pastry display and nearly dropped a few when he saw Chanyeol characteristic silvery grey hair. “What the actual fuck. I’m kicking him out, what does he think he is doing here?”
“Minseok, relax. He was once my best friend, and I know he never looks that bad. He’s unwell. I would help anyone that comes into this cafe looking like that, but I won’t go easy on him, so don’t worry.”
Baekhyun stepped out around the counter, meeting Chanyeol’s half-open gaze. His arms were crossed over his chest, his namepin stabbing into him, but he showed no notice.
“What the actual fuck are you doing here Chanyeol.” Long gone were Baekhyun’s soft welcoming hugs as he stared at Chanyeol with a storm behind his eyes and arms crossed over his black cafe apron. “I told you that I was done.”
“Baekhyun….I know, and I’m so unbelievably sorry. I’ve been a wreck over the past three weeks, please can we talk?” Chanyeol looked indeed quite exhausted and on the verge of breaking down that after a few moments, Baekhyun nodded his consent mostly out of pity for his long-term (ex) best friend.
This wasn’t easy for him either, Baekhyun had just grown as solid as a rock, his breakdown and nights of lost sleep happened the first few days after Chanyeol left. Minseok came over to Baekhyun’s side, and after developing a strongly protective older-brother view of the small man from the the many long nights of being his shoulder to cry on, Minseok was ready to step in to protect Baekhyun if needed.
“Baek, is everything okay?” Minseok asked, looping his arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders. Chanyeol’s appearance changed and began to drip with jealousy as his eyes focused on the arm touching Baekhyun and shoulders rolled back to make him stand even taller, something that did not go amiss to his long-time (ex) best friend (who could read him better than anyone else). “I’ll be fine, Chanyeol and I are going to go talk upstairs. It won’t take long.”
Minseok removed his arm and nodded solemnly. “I’ll be down here if you need anything. Don’t do anything stupid Chanyeol.”
Baekhyun gestured upwards to the staircase to Chanyeol, “I trust that you haven’t forgotten the way to the living room.”
Chanyeol shook his head, internally cringing at how dry and lifeless Baekhyun’s voice was. He didn’t feel like he could withstand not having his best friend back, but hearing how his sunshine has lost much of his life and happiness absolutely killed him now more than ever.
Walking up the stairs to Baekhyun’s apartment with Baekhyun trailing behind, Chanyeol noticed that all of the photos on the wall upstairs were gone. Many of the pictures were of Baekhyun and himself during the pre-college years and recently as well. Chanyeol’s head started to pound. Maybe Baekhyun completely moved on.
Little did he know, Baekhyun didn’t want to remove the pictures from the wall. It was Yixing and Minseok that gently took them down, telling Baekhyun that even if it was just for a little while, Baekhyun’s apartment needed a new air to it. There were too many signs of Chanyeol in it, especially in the guest room up until Yixing took up residence there and transformed it (as much as it hurt Baekhyun’s heart to do so, but Yixing was welcome company and it did help he to really move on to a new view in life).).
The door to what was now Yixing’s room was open, and since it was right off to the side of the living room area, Chanyeol could see right into the room that someone else had taken over. Jealousy ran through his veins. That room used to be his, his safe nest to return to after the late nights that he had grown to regret more than anything over the past month of solitude.
Chanyeol took a deep breath and sat down on the familiar grey couch, Baekhyun choosing to sit across in the grey armchair – the trunk coffee table being a separator that to Chanyeol felt like an ocean of distance.
“So what did you want to say to me? I have to get back to the café soon for closing.” Baekhyun wanted to cross his arms but he was worried that it would seem too much, he knew he was already being cold and harsh, but (not too deep) down inside, he felt his façade start to crumble from the second that he saw Chanyeol walk into The Nest. Because it was like he said, it’s hard to move on from ten years in just one month.
“I don’t know where to begin other than I am beyond extremely sorry. I was being enormously selfish, only caring about my short term happiness and riding the wave of popularity and adrenaline. But I can’t blame this all on that, everything is entirely my fault of personality. I took advantage of your kindness, pulling you awake at the earliest hours in the morning when I knew you were asleep only to arrive at whatever club I was at. You were right, I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve any part of you. You’re too good for me and too kind. I don’t know if it was me just taking you for granted, which I also am so sorry for, but I used you beyond what any best friend could ask for. I was too caught up in myself to see that you were only doing these things out of love.”
“It took me a little while to realize it, but it wasn’t the hooking up or partying part of my late nights that I enjoyed and kept with the cycle of things over and over again. I only did those things because I knew you would come save me. And I know that’s such a shitty way to phrase it, but I loved and needed it. I only ever wanted you, but I it was only you for so long, and you were all I knew that I just took it for granted. That’s why I thought I couldn’t feel love or want anything serious, it was because I already in a way felt love.”
Chanyeol took a deep breath after letting out his speech, one he had thought about for many sleepless nights in his cold and dark apartment. Baekhyun just sat opposite him, blinking and changing facial expressions every once in a while, clearly in thought. Chanyeol pulled the cuffs of his black baggy hoodie over his hands. He just wanted to crawl into his skin and for this to be all over. But he knew he messed up and he knew he wanted Baekhun back, so some uncomfortable feelings could be dealt with for the sake of this.
“I don’t know what you want me to say to that.” Baekhyun let the weeks of pain ice over the words to create a sharp bite.
And oh, Chanyeol felt it. Sighing, or letting out a breath he must have been holding, Chanyeol dropped his head into his hands, “Fuck, Baekhyun. You know I regret those words with every fibre of my being.”
“No, I honestly don’t know what the hell you expect me to say to that. You fucking knew how much I liked you, and still you didn’t even try to see me in that way back then on that day. You just grabbed your stuff and left me there, mentally unstable and a wreck. You just went back to hooking up and going to the sketchy bars and clubs, how could you be so sorry if you went back to that lifestyle so quickly? Huh?!”
“I had to find out if I was doing it for the exhilarating thrill of having sex, or if I was doing it for the sake of you coming to save me. I realized it the first night I went back, I don’t like the hookup lifestyle. I don’t want a bunch of girls and guys to throw themselves at me for one night and then to forget my name the next morning since they’re so drunk. The thrill I blamed it all on wasn’t the sex. The only real reason that I stuck with it was deep down, I lived for the moments when you would come and save me. You’re so tiny but so powerful and so beautiful, I loved being called yours. And I loved everyone knowing that it was you that I was going home with. My heart has only ever wanted you too, it’s just taken my mind too long to catch up.”
Baekhyun ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh, I see.” He didn’t really see. “But how do you expect me to trust you? How can I know that you mean what you are saying?” Baekhyun honestly didn’t know what to do or how to feel. Things were theoretically “working out” like he had hoped for years, but still could he trust Chanyeol’s words? He didn’t lose sleep and force himself to move on for nothing…
“You can trust me, I’m still your Chanyeollie. Baekhyun, I don’t want anything in this world, I only want you. ”
Baekhyun felt his heart sink as he remembered. “My Chanyeollie left me in college.”
Chanyeol ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He could easily understand why Baekhyun was being so cold, but he didn’t know any way whatsoever to make Baekhyun come back to him after what had happened, and especially since a whole month had gone by with them being apart. Being without Baekhyun had taken a serious toll on his sleep, eating, and basic daily living functions. He truly couldn’t live without the other.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you Baekhyun. If it takes a lifetime of proving myself again to you, then I’ll do it. You’re all I would ever need. Please, let me prove myself to you. It doesn’t have to be all at once, just let me see you again. I’ll never call you in the middle of the night and I will stop going to clubs for hookups. Hell, I’ll stop going to clubs in general.”
Baekhyun could read the sincerity in Chanyeol’s voice, eyes darting between Chanyeol’s tired and bloodshot (but still soft) brown eyes and his hands moving randomly through the air as he talked. It was always one of Chanyeol’s more nervous habits.
‘Fuck.’ Baekhyun thought. Chanyeol seemed to be sincere and whatnot, but Baekhyun knew that he was going to keep his heart guarded for a very long time. Not again could he allow Chanyeol, whom he did love dearly, to break his heart again. “I won’t lie and say that I don’t miss you, because it’s obvious that I would be lying. You were my closest friend, and you knew completely that you had once meant the world to me. I do miss seeing you, and if you really want to prove yourself to me, it’s going to take a shit ton of time. But I know you, and I know you aren’t lying to me. So I will give you the chance. You might as well start now. Come visit me at The Nest when you feel like it, but I’m afraid the room isn’t yours anymore. Yixing needed somewhere to stay and I enjoy his pleasant company.”
Chanyeol hummed in acknowledgement, a little bit painful to hear that Baekhyun gave away the room that was technically once his, but he knew that after it all, he did screw up. He didn’t expect to be forgiven immediately.
“Can I help you with the coffee tonight then?”
“If you remember how to, since it looks like you could use some.” As much as he wanted to, Baekhyun fought against his internal desire to wrap Chanyeol up into a hug, ruffle his fading grey hair and tuck him into bed so that he could get some sleep that the dark eye circles indicated was missing.
“Come downstairs then, I’m not keeping the customers waiting.” Baekhyun stood up, professionally brushing off the front of his (perfectly clean) apron and gesturing for Chanyeol to come with him as he bounced down the stairs.
Chanyeol smiled. It wasn’t what he hoped for, but it was more than he expected and deserved.
One month passed, Chanyeol keeping his promise and checking in with Baekhyun about once every week at The Nest. He would come, help out a bit with coffee orders (he would make a fantastic barista) and sometimes take part in the open mic night. Not just a talented drummer, Chanyeol always had a deep mellow baritone that Baekhyun loved to hear.
Two months, and Baekhyun laughed with Chanyeol for the first time again. Chanyeol had invited Baekhyun to the recording studio where he now worked as a producer and lyricist, his band splitting apart after the broken record label contact had sunken all of the members’ spirits and they simply did not want to continue. Chanyeol had made a few connections over the years, so he managed to call and impress the right people that had landed him a dream job. Chanyeol could use his creativity and perfectionism to create and produce music that millions would hear.
Three months and Chanyeol told Baekhyun that he loved him. Baekhyun only blinked in response.
“Okay, I’ll try again later.” Chanyeol responded and pulled Baekhyun safely aside him as they crossed the busy street. Baekhyun felt a little bad, but at this point, he still wasn’t sure what to say because he honestly didn’t know his feelings.
Four months, and The Nest’s upper level apartment was finally greeted by it’s previous second owner for the night. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were having a usual movie night, binging the entire Lord of the Rings and realizing the time had reached 3AM. It couldn’t hurt to let Chanyeol stay the night on the couch and it was far too late for him to go back to his apartment, Baekhyun rationalized. Baekhyun had grown to start loving Chanyeol over the months of his dedication, but letting him back into his life felt right after this time. They started conversing about deeper things, Chanyeol opening completely up about how stressed he was and why it wasn’t just the band that he needed stress relief from. Baekhyun felt a little bad, because under it all, Chanyeol was struggling and he couldn’t see that until now. Baekhyun’s heart grew softer and softer, which terrified him. He didn’t want to easily let Chanyeol back in, but after four months of not being able to return a sincere “I love you”, Baekhyun was feeling worried himself. He felt it, and he wanted to say it, but it had to be true and it had to come from within.
“I love you Byun Baekhyun.” Chanyeol said with confidence, looking intensely into Baekhyun’s eyes which were fighting to not hold his glance for more than a millisecond.
Baekhyun looked over at his best friend softly and let himself fall across onto Chanyeol’s lap on the couch. “Damn it Chanyeol, you know that I’m working on that. But I do like you and appreciate you...”
“That’s okay though, you’ve waited all these years for me to be ready so now it’s just my turn to wait for you, if you ever will be. If I’ve ruined everything for good, then so be it, but I won’t give up if there’s even the slightest chance that I could make things right and you could love me again.” Chanyeol ran his fingers through Baekhyun’s midnight black hair, still soft as ever.
Baekhyun looked up at Chanyeol with wide and trusting eyes. “Do you promise never to hurt me again? And can you promise that you’ve been telling me the truth this entire time?”
“I swear, and promise that I will never hurt you again, and that everything has been true.” Chanyeol felt his heart beat faster and faster.
“Then I know that I can reach that level when the time is right, and when I feel it. I haven’t been dragging you along to prove yourself for no good reason, I still do feel things for you no matter how hard I tried to shove them away.” Baekhyun reached up to hold Chanyeol’s cheek, light slowly flowing back into Chanyeol’s dark eyes. Looking up into the face of the man he loved, hated, and then cycled between the two feelings for a decade, Baekhyun felt as if the vicious cycle was coming to an end.
Chanyeol loved him, really, actually, and honestly. This alone was more than Baekhyun expected to ever happen. Chanyeol was who he grew up with, it felt impossible to look back into adolescence or childhood memories without visualizing his tall best friend there beside him.
But Baekhyun did hurt, and he was hurt. Enough growth had happened over the course of time that he knew when someone was being truthful and when someone would say anything in the moment just to be taken back. Chanyeol was being real, true, and honest. Baekhyun didn’t feel like he could ignore these gut feelings of trust and honesty.
It was just a busy street in Hongdae, nothing special, but under those street lights and the brightness of a nearly full moon, Baekhyun felt magical. The two were out after a wonderful date night with dinner and walking around Seoul, Chanyeol’s arm thrown protectively over Baekhyun’s small shoulders. The two were quite honestly living in this moment. Suddenly, baekhyun looked up at Chanyeol who was attempting to stargaze through the cloudy night. Baekhyun felt his heart grow and grow and grow, until he felt as if it would burst.
“Chanyeol, I love you.”
Chanyeol dropped his americano unceremoniously onto the pavement, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, blatantly gawking at Baekhyun. “You what? ”
Baekhyun laughed, swinging their joined hands and reaching down to pick up Chanyeol’s miraciously still contained coffee. “I do. I love you.”
“Oh my god….Baekhyun, I love you so much. More than you’ll ever know, oh my god I can’t believe this…” Chanyeol reached down with both hands and held Baekhyun’s beaming face.
“Alright, alright, say it any more and it won’t feel real.” Baekhyun laughed, living in the moment. His heart felt warm, his cheeks hurt from smiling so widely, he felt light as a feather, and he never wanted to look away from Chanyeol’s face. He had seen Chanyeol at his happiest moments before, but this? This was something new. And this was something so purely beautiful that he wished he could relive this moment forever.
“Now come on idiot, I’ll buy you another Americano.”
FIN