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i.
“maybe you should just be a little selfish once in a while,” xukun mutters. he’s pouting and it’s undignified, but it’s not like he can control his facial expressions when he’s really just upset. it’s way past midnight but they’re huddled up in a corner under the stairway away from the cameras, sharing a packet of potato chips after practice.
“justin’s a great kid,” ziyi says gently and shrugs. “and it’s not like I was being selfless. it just seemed like he wanted it more than I did.”
liar, xukun thinks angrily. not everyone can read ziyi. but xukun knows him by now, has had enough quiet talks in the corners of practice rooms to know how badly ziyi wants to debut. not everyone can see through ziyi’s cool façade, but xukun can. it’s only been a few months but xukun prides himself on knowing he’s the closest to ziyi right now, in this very moment. what ziyi did (giving up that center position to justin) was something none of the other trainees would have done. ziyi’s so selfless it hurts. xukun realizes he wants ziyi to debut almost more than he wants to himself. it’s a scary thought.
“listen,” ziyi says, clearly sensing xukun’s mood spiraling down the drain. he has both hands on xukun’s shoulders, holding them firmly. “cai xukun. look at me.”
xukun does reluctantly. ziyi’s smiling. it isn’t supposed to make his heart beat faster, but it definitely does. xukun isn’t surprised by this, but it isn’t helping anyone either.
“listen, okay? I am completely okay with Justin being center. he deserves it as much as each of us does. it’s just a matter of who gets slightly more parts than others. the important thing is we make this performance work. and to do that we need each other’s support. do you get me?”
xukun nods. it makes sense. but his heart still burns. ziyi deserves better, he kept thinking. it isn’t fair. he needs to be in top nine, no matter what. he deserves that and so much more.
“do you get me, kun-kun?” ziyi asks again softly.
“yes, sir bro, sir,” xukun mumbles, and gets his cheeks pinched for his attempt at humour.
“you think you’re so cute,” ziyi says with an irritated air, but he’s laughing. xukun sticks out his tongue playfully, then decides—fuck it. he pulls ziyi in and wraps his arms around the boy, squeezing as tight as he can. ziyi smells nice. simple. xukun likes ziyi so, so much. it’s a shame other people don’t see just how good he is.
“why are you so nice,” xukun mutters into his neck.
ziyi squeezes him back just as hard. it’s a thing about ziyi xukun notices. he never turns down any skinship from anyone, so xukun feels a little guilty for taking advantage of that.
“i’m not that nice.”
“you’re an angel. you’re the best person I’ve ever met, ever,” xukun says reverently.
“thanks,” ziyi chuckles. xukun clutches tighter at ziyi’s warmth and scent and everything ziyi is. for now, this is enough.
ii.
the practice room isn’t empty per se. some trainees are in secluded corners, practicing and discussing among themselves, but at least it isn’t as jam-packed as it was yesterday. xukun’s just watching everyone absently, earbuds in his ear with no music on. it’s sort of therapeutic. it’s also kind of sad. he doesn’t know when would be the last time he’ll see these guys.
“hey.”
xukun looks up and sees ziyi smiling down at him. an angel, he thinks immediately and almost laughs out loud at how ridiculous that thought is.
“hey. what’s up, bro?”
ziyi grins and slumps down beside him on the floor. he sighs and just sits there, looking around at the other trainees. xukun takes the opportunity to properly look at him. he looks kind of tired, probably just got off from practice. or just taking five. either way it’s sort of sweet how he comes looking for xukun even when they’re on different teams. there’s a low tug xukun’s stomach when he thinks of that, so he pulls down on his hat and picks up his sheet music.
“it’s cool what you did,” xukun says after a while. he’d wanted to distract himself, but this is also what he’s wanted to say to ziyi for days.
“which thing?” ziyi says a bit cheekily, peering at him from underneath his usual black cap. his lips are tilted upwards a bit. xukun stares at them and wonders why it makes his own lips twitch into a little smile. he looks away quickly before ziyi realizes xukun’s being completely gross.
“the thing with qin fen. you knew you would’ve gotten thrown into the vocal group. if you hadn’t done that we’d be in the same group.”
ziyi shrugs, immediately looking a bit uncomfortable with the topic. the smile is off his face. he’s always like this. too humble. too selfless. xukun always secretly wants to be like him, wants to have that pure willingness to sacrifice himself just to help someone. ziyi’s probably the only person who has managed to influence xukun so much within such a short period of time.
“you would’ve done the same thing. i know qin fen went through so much. and…it wasn’t like I offered to leave. we just spun the bottle again.”
“anyone in that situation would’ve accepted that first spin.”
ziyi shakes his head and doesn’t reply. then he looks at xukun again, this time properly grinning. “i heard about the fans calling us haohao’s parents, you know? that’s kind of cute. you’ll make a really cute wife.”
xukun’s mouth drops in shock, but he is also on the verge of laughing. who knew ziyi could joke like this? he certainly hasn’t known. he knows ziyi’s doing this on purpose to distract him, but he cant help but rise to the bait. “shut up!” he gasps, shoving ziyi playfully. “you’re so—i want a divorce!”
ziyi laughs and shoves xukun back, eyes mooning at him. “fine. I want custody of our son, then.”
“don’t you dare take my son—“ xukun starts, pointing a threatening finger at ziyi, who is just smiling at him with raised eyebrows.
“are we done flirting,” someone deadpans from above them. “we kinda need our coolest bro for practice right now.”
there’s an awkward pause.
“flirting?” xukun splutters up at zhou rui, completely taken aback. he knows he shouldn’t be surprised by the things that come out of rui ge’s mouth by now, but most of them are completely true even if it’s exaggerated. does it really look like they are flirting?
xukun stares at zhou rui and then ziyi, mouth opened.
“he’s kidding,” ziyi assures, patting xukun on the thigh. “ignore him.”
“you should know I never kid!“ zhou rui says mock-sternly. “and you two have been—“
“we have to go now. see you around?” ziyi claps xukun amicably on the shoulder, and then pulls a reluctant zhou rui away just like that.
xukun slumps against the wall and realizes he probably has been flirting shamelessly with ziyi. but is ziyi flirting back, is the real question here.
--
“rui-jie—“ xukun says, and immediately gets a cold glare from zhou rui. he clears his throat. oops. “I mean rui-ge. about what you said—“
“what thing? i say a lot of things to a lot of people at a lot of places. you have to be more specific.”
xukun sighs. zhou rui’s probably the most sensible and practical out of everyone, but sometimes it’s really hard to talk to him with his rapid-fire responses and words that could stab you in the heart. to be fair, xukun needs that kind of honesty right now.
“right. in the practice room yesterday, you said me and wang ziyi were flirting…when we weren’t,” xukun explains. zhou rui raised an eyebrow at him. “…i think?”
“you were flirting,” zhou rui states, as if it’s a fact that everyone should know. “you think I couldn’t tell? i’ve lived way longer than you. don’t slight me.”
xukun pouts. “but we weren’t! he doesn’t even like boys!”
“ah,” zhou rui’s eyes twinkle like he’s caught xukun sneaking a cookie out of the cookie jar. “you do, then?”
xukun hesitates. damn. zhou rui’s really good at reading between the lines. there’s nothing to it so he nods, embarassed. his face probably looked like a tomato right now.
“well there’s nothing wrong with that,” zho rui says easily and xukun knows he made the right choice of confiding to zhou rui about this. he’s the only one of xukun’s close friends who wouldn’t tease him endlessly (justin) or mother and nag the hell out of him (zhu zhengting) or is the very subject of his affections (wang ziyi).
“well, do you have a crush on him?”
xukun looks up. it feels stupid to confess to anyone but ziyi first. “who?”
zhou rui smacks him on the shoulder exasperatedly. “B-O-O-G-I-E bbt’s wang ziyi, who did you think I was referring to?”
xukun swallows, feeling his face flush even more. “ge, do you think it’s stupid? we’re in a competition and here I am, nursing a crush. it feels wrong. i feel like i let down my fans and the director and—what would the rest of the guys think?“
zhou rui scoffs. “kunkun my dear didi. we are a group of teenagers and young adults with raging hormones stuck in a building for months now. you didn’t think they’d be some naughty exploits among us? i know i’ve heard some things at night that would give you nightmares. or turn you on, I guess.”
xukun grimaces. “gross.”
“bu fan and xiao gui? not what you think they are. jeffrey is totally not straight, and don’t get me started on what’s really going on with the yuehua kids.”
“gross! i don’t want to know!”
zhou rui smacks his lips thrice and shakes his head sagely. “what im saying is, you don’t choose who you like or when you’ll start liking them. it’s the heart that decides. so i say, whatever it is you decide to do with it is your choice. it’s your life. your fans don’t own you. this broadcasting station doesn’t own you. and who fucking cares what the other guys think. if they're not fine with it, why even bother being friends with them?”
xukun takes a deep breath. “right. you’re right. thanks, rui-ge.”
zhou rui waves his hand flippantly. “no need to thank me. it’s my duty as your elder.”
xukun rolls his eyes. “stop acting like you’re fifty. also, tone down on the makeup please? the other guys look like they’re going to eat you. it’s appalling.”
“brat!” zhou rui gasps, pretending to be offended as he swipes at a giggling xukun. “i give you valuable advice and you lecture me on my beauty? see if i’ll help you again!”
iii.
the third time it happens xukun wants to throw a chair at ziyi. when ziyi chooses a sub-rap part when he can easily choose main rapper, xukun wants to grab him and yell at him. he’s disappointed and frustrated, but he manages to keep those feelings hidden when he’s asked to pick his part. not looking at ziyi or standing near him helps some. by the time shooting ends xukun glances at where ziyi stands and marches straight up to him.
“i need to talk to you.” he mutters lowly so only ziyi can hear. he senses some of the trainees and staff staring but he’s too riled up to care. he stares at ziyi hard so he gets the message and then marches off to the toilets. ziyi follows him in and xukun locks the door after checking there’s nobody else inside.
when he turns to face ziyi he’s just frowning at him worriedly. stupid. stupid!
“did i do something—“
“what’s wrong with you?” xukun cuts him off in disbelief. “are you even trying to debut?”
ziyi’s jaw hardens as he realizes what xukun’s talking about. his eyes are fierce as he meets xukun’s unwavering glare. “don’t say things you’ll regret.”
“well don’t do things you’ll regret!” xukun says, his voice raising unconsciously. he’s genuinely upset about ziyi getting a sub part when he could’ve gotten a better one. how many times can a person be so selfless? “it’s a competition! you can’t just—“
“is a competition worth losing friends over?” ziyi asks, his voice still level and calm. xukun hates it. he wants ziyi to lash out sometimes, wants him to be selfish for once. isn’t it tiring, to be so perfect all the time?
“they would understand if you chose a better part! ask any of us, we’d understand because all of us are thinking the same thing. why would you do that? i don’t get you.”
ziyi sighs and shakes his head.
for some reason the silence stabs viciously through xukun’s heart. he’s angry, and hurt, and ziyi is making it so much worse. zhou rui’s words are burning in his mind. it’s your life. nobody owns you. you walk down your own path.
“i like you,” xukun says decidedly. his voice does not waver. he always does better under pressure. ziyi stares, eyes wide. xukun looks down and exhales slowly. “i like you and i’m selfish enough to tell you. i want to debut with you. more than anyone else here.”
when he looks up ziyi is still silent, just looking at him.
“do you know what one of my biggest wish is?” ziyi asks softly. xukun bites his lip and shakes his head. “to perform with you forever. to be on stage with you and work as hard as you do. you’re kind of like my idol.”
xukun’s mouth opens in surprise. “really?”
“is that really a shock?” ziyi laughs. “i chose Mack Daddy because of you. i thought if i couldn’t debut then the next best thing is to perform a stage with you and the others. one last time.”
xukun blinks and tries to process the words. “you will debut,” he says finally. “we’ll do it together.”
“i hope so.” ziyi shrugs like it’s nothing.
xukun bites his lips when the silence gets too overbearing. “so?” he presses. “you’re just going to ignore my confession?”
“oh,” ziyi frowns. “i thought…”
xukun wants to tear his hair out. can wang ziyi be more obtuse?
“look,” xukun says sternly a he stares ziyi in the eye. “i like it when you come and talk to me about your worries. and all the times we stay up to practice. i like that you look so cool but you’re actually the biggest nerd.” xukun grits his teeth and takes a deep breath. he sounds so stupid, but it’s too late to stop now. “this is stupid but i like your smile. and i’ve wanted to touch your hair for so long but im too scared. so if that doesn’t spell out i like you then i don’t know what will.”
that actually startles a laugh out of ziyi.
“you can touch my hair,” he says, amused. “i won’t bite.”
“don’t humour me,” xukun mutters petulantly. he’s still staring at his shoes. he doesn’t want to know what ziyi looks like right now. “i’m confessing to you for the second time but you’re just laughing at me.”
“because you’re so cute,” ziyi says easily. his voice is light and his response isn’t at all like what xukun expected. “and also because i’m really happy right now.”
xukun looks up at him cautiously. he’s smiling. does he think it’s a joke?
xukun flinches when ziyi takes a step closer. they’re nose to nose now, and xukun cannot read his mind. is he going with the flow? playing around? how is he not flustered by a confession from another guy? is he leaning in for a kiss?
“yes, i’m about to kiss you,” ziyi says like he can read xukun’s mind, and then presses his lips to the corner of xukun’s mouth. it’s not even a real kiss, but xukun’s chest is beating wildly just from that. pathetic.
ziyi then wraps his arms around him and whispers, “i like you a lot too, idiot.”
and for now, this is more than enough.