Chapter Text
Celesta Shepard dies in an explosion of fire, jettisoned into the void of space, her lungs screaming for air, and afterwards Kaidan finds that his headaches get worse. It is, perhaps, the only part of grief he hadn’t expected. He’d lost friends before- you don’t serve in the Alliance for as long as he has without it. You get used to it, when it is something inevitable. Any soldier you meet might be dead on their next deployment. But this was the first time he’d lost someone who was so entrenched in something so big, someone who’d fought tooth and nail to save the galaxy only to have her warnings ignored. The Council has done everything they can to erase everything Celesta had said about the Reapers, the crew has split apart and he doesn’t know where anybody else is, and Shepard died in the same shipwreck he had managed to survive. In short, it was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to him.
Officially, the Alliance had given him a promotion. They had welcomed him back like some big hero, like he deserved it when Celesta and Ashley were both dead, when they’d given Joker the boot. Hackett had looked at him with his mouth set into a hard line, told him that some people just aren’t equipped for that kind of loss, and told him to report back for duty in three months.
“Just some time to recover,” he’d said, a sympathetic smile on his face that looked more like a grimace. Kaidan had nodded politely, hadn’t felt like calling the bullshit when he saw it; when everything was still too raw and too real. They wanted to give themselves enough time to make sure he wasn’t going to lose it, to make sure he was going to fall in line like the good little soldier they needed.
He finds himself on the Citadel for Shepard’s funeral, and he doesn’t see any reason to leave. The Council is kind enough to pay for a room in the Presidium’s residential district while they drag Celesta’s name through the mud, and he doesn’t see much of a reason to go anywhere else, so there he stays. More often than not, he finds himself in the wards, and he frequents the Dark Star Lounge more than he’d like when he can’t feel the tell-tale tingle in his sinuses that heralds a migraine. He never lets himself drink a lot, only a couple of drinks at a time, but he visits often enough that he has a spot by the bar and a regular order that the bartender starts to prepare before he’s even sat down. He tries to pretend that it doesn’t bother him, tries to tell himself that each visit will be the last, but sitting in the Lounge with music that reverberates in his heart and rattles in his bones sure beats sitting alone in a dark apartment feeling sorry for himself.
Alec Ryder tells his children about the Andromeda Initiative while it is still in its infancy. Wouldn’t feel right keeping it from them, he tells them, but the choice is theirs to make. Sierra makes it immediately, tells their father to give her the paperwork before she’s even officially done with the Alliance. Atlas hangs on a lot longer, stays with the Alliance for as long as he can, even if he knows chances of getting off Arcturus are slim. If he’s honest with himself, he just isn’t ready to leave everything behind. The Milky Way is all he’s even known, and he doesn’t share the desire for exploration that infect his father and sister. His father had always said he wanted to die breathing air that nobody had breathed before, and Sierra had reluctantly agreed with the sentiment, even though she’d made it a point in her life to be as opposite of her father as she could.
Atlas just doesn’t know what’s worse- leaving everything he knew, or living out his life while the two of them slept. He doesn’t know how to cope with waking up, six hundred years into the future, everyone he’d ever loved lost to him in the space between galaxies. But he doesn’t know how to cope with every single door being slammed shut in his face, either. He’d had a promising career with the Alliance, until his father’s research cut it off, but he doesn’t know how to be anything other than a soldier.
Shore leave comes at a perfect time. Sierra is finishing up her last dig out in the Terminus Systems, Alec is doing whatever it is he does for the Initiative, and Atlas has no place with either of them for the next few weeks. He books a flight from Arcturus to the Citadel, and his father is nice enough to send him enough credits for a room in the wards. He hasn’t been there since he’d accompanied his father to Commander Shepard’s funeral, when he’d worn a suit that was too small and too scratchy, when he couldn’t focus on the words of the speeches because Sierra was making eyes at the asari on stage. The Presidium is much the same as it always was, although repairs are still underway. The wards have changed almost completely, but there’s no shortage of bars, and Atlas finds himself in a place called the Dark Star Lounge, with music so loud he can feel it in his heartbeat but not loud enough to give him a headache.
There’s a man sitting at the bar when he walks in, a glass full of whiskey in front of him. He’s got dark eyes Atlas can see himself falling into, dark hair that looks soft enough to run his fingers through, and an almost perplexing air of familiarity about him. He’s pretty, though, and Atlas finds himself looking at him as he places his order. He looks away for a half-second, and when his eyes flit back over he sees that the man is looking at him too, a faint half smile on his face. He swallows, cheeks tinged pink, but he takes his drink from the bartender and slips away to a booth in the corner. Maybe he’ll go talk to the man once he finishes his drink; flirt with him until the weight of the decision he still hadn’t made stops hanging so heavily over his head.
He doesn’t get the chance. He’s halfway through his drink when he looks up and sees the man walking towards him. The bar is mostly empty- it’s too early in the day cycle for there to be a lot of patrons to be visiting, and Atlas knows that he is definitely blushing now. He hopes the dim lighting hides it as the man slides into the seat across from him, two drinks in his hand. He slides one towards Atlas, keeps the other for himself.
“You looked lonely, sitting over here by yourself,” the man says, leaning closer so he can be heard over the beat of the music.
“Well, I don’t know about that, but I definitely appreciate your company,” he answers, an easy grin slipping onto his face as he picks up his drink and drains the other half. He can’t remember how long it’s been since he’s flirted with someone, especially someone as pretty as the man sitting across from him. There’s the boy on Arcturus, but neither of them have done anything more than making eyes at each other across the mess hall at meal times.
“You looked serious. Any particular reason you’re here day drinking?” the man asks. Atlas usually wouldn’t bother talking to a stranger about anything important, especially not something as important as this, but there’s something warm and soft in those brown eyes that makes him feel like it’s okay.
“There’s a big decision I’ve gotta make. Not sure what to do either, and I thought coming here might give me some distance for a few hours. You didn’t look so cheerful yourself. Any particular reason you’re here?” he answers, pulling the other drink towards him. It’s something he’s never tried before, something bright that smells like fruit, but he can feel a biotic charge, and thinks it’s probably from Thessia.
“Just want to get out of my head for a few hours. Say, what’s your name?” the man says, his fingers nervously tapping a rhythm on the table.
“Atlas, Atlas Ryder. And who do I have the pleasure of talking to?” he asks, his grinning widening just a little.
“Kaidan, Kaidan Alenko,” he answers, a smile on his own face. Ryder was a name he recognized, and after a few seconds, he remembers why. Alec Ryder, the former N7. The boy sitting across from him must be one of Alec’s children.
Atlas is struck with a sudden bolt of recognition at the name, and realizes why the man is so familiar. Kaidan Alenko, who served with Commander Shepard. Kaidan Alenko, who’s bravery during the battle with the geth earned him a promotion in the Alliance. Kaidan Alenko, who’s sitting across from him at a bar on the Citadel over a drink he bought for him.
“You know, Kaidan, there are more fun ways to get out of your head that won’t kill your liver,” Atlas says, before he can stop himself, and he’s rewarded by a blush that creeps across the other man’s face.
He opens his mouth to say something, but his omni-tool beeps, flashing on his wrist. He frowns apologetically at Atlas, opening the interface with a flick of his wrist. He grimaces as he powers it back down, leaning across the table again.
“Look, I just got a message from someone important asking me to go meet him. I’d say no, but these people have my career in their hands. Wouldn’t mind taking you up on your offer, though. I’m here a decent amount, if you want to see me again,” he says, pushing his drink across the table and waving goodbye. Atlas gives him a half-hearted wave as he goes, but Kaidan’s already turning back to his ‘tool, typing out a message as he walks towards the door. Atlas doubts he’ll ever see him again.
Captain Anderson is waiting in his office. There’s a datapad in his hand that he frowns at as he scrolls through. There’s a picture sitting on his desk, of Anderson and Celesta and her son. It’s a few years old- Tiberius is much smaller, front tooth missing as he grins at the camera. Celesta’s hair was a shade of periwinkle blue- she’d gone to a bright red in the months before she’d died. Anderson is looking down at them both, less wrinkles and less scars and a less haunted look in his eyes. He glances up at the picture, his face softening. He jumps as the door slides open, and Kaidan hurrying inside, taking a seat in the chair in front of Anderson’s desk.
“You wanted to see me, sir?” he says, fidgeting in his seat. He thinks of the boy he just left in the bar, and hopes he doesn't take his sudden departure as an insult. He isn't quite sure why he’d approached him, but the look on his face when Kaidan slid into the booth was worth it.
“I did, yes. The Alliance is working on improving relationships with our colonies out in the Terminus Systems. They don't trust us, and for good reason. We haven't given them enough attention. Enough protection,” he says, tossing the datapad down onto his desk. He looks exhausted, dark circles under his eyes. Kaidan wonders if he's been sleeping at all.
“What’s that got to do with me?” Kaidan asks. He thinks about how far away the Terminus Systems are, thinks of how hard everyone is working to cover up what Celesta had said. There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, and a tell-tale tingle behind his eyes heralding a migraine.
“The brass wants to station you on Horizon. They think you would be perfect for the role,” he tells him. He tries not to let the bitterness he feels leech into his voice- it hadn't been easy for him, either, when the people in charge systematically denied everything Celesta had died for. Hadn't been easy for her son, either, but Ty was coping better than Anderson lately.
“Well, you know me, sir. I’ll go wherever they think I’m needed,” he answers, voice measured and careful. They both know that the only reason someone of his standing would be sent to the Terminus Systems is to be kept quiet about the whole situation. If he’s stuck on some backwater colony, they won't have to worry about him contradicting the official statements, when the public still remembers him as a hero.
“I’ll let them know,” Anderson says, after a moment of silence. He picks the datapad up again with a sigh, typing out a quick message. Kaidan watches with a faint frown on his face, his arms crossed over his chest. The good mood he’d slipped into in Dark Star has disappeared entirely. He goes to leave when he catches sight of the picture on Anderson’s desk. He doesn't think he has any pictures of Celesta, even though he called her his best friend. He hadn't known much about her either, only learning about her son a short time before she’d passed away.
“What happened to her son?” he asks, before he can stop himself. Anderson’s attention is drawn back to the picture, to one of the only things he has left of Celesta.
“Tiberius is staying with me. I’m technically his legal guardian now. Celesta had listed me as her next of kin. It’s for the best- Ty doesn’t like strangers. I think that staying with me is helping his grief,” he answers. The two of them lapse into silence for a long moment, staring at the picture. Kaidan wonders what else he hadn't known about the Commander, what else she’d left behind.
He slips silently out of Anderson’s office, fleeing back to his apartment.
Three days after meeting Kaidan at the bar, Atlas is drifting through the wards. He’s sure he looks like shit with his rumpled clothes and messy hair. He’s been down with a migraine the past few hours- gotten too hot during his morning workout, and as a result he’d been hit with a headache that almost made him throw up all over the shower. The headache hasn't entirely gone away, either, but its faded enough that he can pay more attention to the gnawing ache in his stomach. Well into the evening, and he hadn't eaten anything all day.
He finds himself coming up short, brain short-circuiting. Kaidan steps out of a store up ahead, looking as rough as Atlas feels. There are dark circles under tired eyes, ruffled hair, and a wrinkled hoodie. Atlas hadn't expected to see him again, but he finds himself lighting up anyway. Something about Kaidan feels like home, makes Atlas want to keep coming back. He calls out to him before he can stop himself. Kaidan searches through the crowds for a few seconds before he sees Atlas, lifting his hand in greeting. Atlas grins, waving back, and jogs over to him.
“Hey! It’s good to see you again, Atlas,” Kaidan says, his whole face softening as he smiles. Atlas gives him an easy grin, the other shoppers parting around them.
“Back at you, Kaidan. I didn't think I’d see you again,” he says. Kaidan leads him over to a bench against the wall, both of them sitting down. Atlas scuffs his toe against the shiny tile floor, looking down at the space between their knees.
“What are you doing here?” Kaidan asks, shifting a little closer, leaning towards him.
“Looking for somewhere to eat. I’m starving,” he says, grinning again. Kaidan laughs.
“I could stand to eat myself. Hey, do you like steak? There’s this place in the Presidium that serves the best steaks. What do you say we grab a bite together? My treat,” he says, and Atlas feels a little guilty letting Kaidan buy his food, but he jumps at the chance to get to know him better.
“Lead the way,” he says, motioning towards the sky cars. Kaidan jumps to his feet, looking energized, and grabs Atlas’ wrist. The two of them dive back into the crowd, weaving a path through the other shoppers.
The restaurant Kaidan leads him to isn’t as fancy as Atlas had expected. It’s nearly empty at this time of the day, and it’s big enough that they have plenty of privacy. It isn’t as expensive as he’d expected either, although he lets Kaidan order for him so he doesn’t have to admit that he’ll eat damn near anything.
“So, tell me about yourself, Atlas. What do you do for a living?” Kaidan asks, resting his cheek in one hand and drumming on the table with his other.
“I’m with the Alliance, actually, stationed on Arcturus. I’m on shore leave for the next couple of weeks. My dad and my sister were busy, so I decided to take a vacation on my own instead of pestering them,” he says, taking a sip of his beer.
“Oh, yeah? Do you like it, working on Arcturus?” he asks. This kind of small talk would be awkward with anyone else- Atlas is bad enough at it that he’d always hated it and usually thought of excuses to get out of it. But Kaidan seems genuinely interested in the answers- in him.
“It’s not so bad. It wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong thing, but after what Dad did, well, it probably will be, unless I leave the Alliance,” he says. He tries not to sound bitter- he’d shrugged it off, for the most part, and only resented it for how much more difficult it made his decision.
“I think I heard about that. AI research, right?” Kaidan asks, his fingers stilling on the table.
“Yeah. I technically haven’t done anything wrong, but you know how it is. I suppose I don’t need to ask you what you do for a living, though,” Atlas says, with a grin. His grin only widens at the blush on the other man’s cheeks.
“I had hoped you wouldn’t recognize me,” he admitted, taking a drink of his beer to hide his embarrassment.
“I didn’t wanna make anything awkward between us. I’m interested in getting to know you, not whatever idealized version of you that the Alliance wants to push. I grew up with an N7 who fought in the First Contact War- I know there’s more to you than what you do for a living,” he says, his grin turning a little sheepish. Kaidan seems to relax, though, looking a little less embarrassed about being recognized.
“Well, I gotta say I appreciate that. Not a lot of people look past that. Not a lot of civilians look past the whole Alliance thing, either, come to think of it. And that’s before they hear about all the shady shit surrounding my biotics,” he says, shifting the subject seamlessly.
“I’ve gotten some shit about my biotics, too. I remember once in basic, some asswipe accused me of cheating the exams because I had them. My commander at the time told him that it wasn’t cheating to use what I had and to mind his own damn business. I got shit about it when I was a kid, too, and couldn’t control them that well. Mom and Dad kept people from shipping me off to a biotic boarding school somewhere, but that doesn’t mean it was easy to learn how to control them,” he says. Their conversation is interrupted by the waiter, bringing them more beer, telling them their food will be ready in a few minutes and that they’re very sorry for the wait.
“Yeah, I had some of the same shit to deal with. I know it’s kind of a new thing for us, but that doesn’t mean we need to be ostracized. You’d think after centuries of racism, we’d learn from our mistakes and stop treating people like shit for being different. We all just want normal lives,” Kaidan says, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest.
“Exactly. Humanity is just garbage. I mean, look at Terra Firma. Newsflash, asshole, we’ve had to share the galaxy this entire time,” he says, sitting up. His passionate rant is cut short by the waiter returning once more, this time with their plates. Atlas’ stomach growls violently, reminding him just how hungry he is. His mouth waters as the waiter sits their plates in front of them. The moan he lets out at the first bite makes Kaidan blush, and Atlas can’t keep the grin off his face.
After the meal, they exchange contact information. Kaidan tells him that he’s there for Atlas anytime he’d like to talk, and he tells him he’d like to see him again before he heads back to Arcturus. It’s Atlas’ turn to blush at that, his eyes on Kaidan’s back as he walks away. He finds that he very much wants to see him again, too.
AR: so kaidan
AR: how do you feel about tattoos?
KA: I mean, I guess it depends on the tattoo
KA: Why?
AR: i’m thinkin about getting one
AR: but idk if this is, like, the worst mistake i could ever make or not
KA: What are you thinking of getting?
AR: [Atlas Ryder has sent an image.]
KA: Wow
KA: Not a lot of people could pull off a face tat
KA: especially one that’s as...present as that one
AR: i know
AR: that’s why i’m worried
AR: but i feel like i need to do something dramatic
AR: guess it’s not shore leave if i don’t
KA: i think you could make it work
KA: you could pull off almost anything, i think
KA: but i think it’d look cool in black ink
AR: that’s what i was thinking!
AR: wait are you encouraging me to get a tattoo on my face?
AR: i thought you were supposed to be the responsible one
KA: why do i have to be the responsible one?
KA: is it because i’m older?
KA: plenty of people in their early thirties do stupid things, atlas
AR: no it’s because you seem less impulsive
AR: one of us needs to have some restraint
AR: once when i was fifteen i bought a rabbit because sierra thought it was cute
AR: dad was pissed
AR: mom thought it was hilarious
AR: i had to give it back
AR: but a face tat is a little harder to get rid of
KA: do you even really want a tat?
KA: if it’s commitment you’re worried about, i feel like that’s a bad idea
AR: no not really
AR: i’m just worried about it looking bad
KA: you’ll still look handsome with the tattoo
AR: you think i’m handsome?
KA: there’s a reason i bought you a drink
AR: wow all right then just come right out and say it
KA: i do that
KA: usually get away with it, too
KA: benefit of being in your early 30s
KA: guess it’ll be a few years before you get this same kind of freedom
AR: okay, old man
AR: my twenty two years can’t match your boundless wisdom
AR: but you aren’t so bad yourself
KA: thanks
KA: i think
KA: anyway, about the tattoo
KA: get it if you want it
KA: it’s your life
KA: sometimes you just gotta go for things
KA: but if you do get it i’d love to see it
AR: you’ll be the first
AR: well, okay, i suppose the tattoo artist would be the first
AR: and then all the people who see me in between the shop and you
AR: but you’ll be the first person who matters who sees it
AR: also you’ll be responsible to keep my dad from killing me
KA: i’m sure your dad won’t be mad, atlas
KA: you’re twenty-two
KA: oh god, you’re twenty-two
KA: i’ve been making eyes at someone a decade younger than me
AR: hey feel free to keep it up
AR: i’m young and reckless and ready 2 fall in love w a handsome older man
AR: and have my heartbroken after a whirlwind romance
AR: and always think of the handsome older man for the rest of my life
KA: wow i didn’t know we were living a cheesy romance novel
AR: ok fine i did get a little carried away there
AR: anyway
AR: guess i’ll be getting a tattoo
AR: unless i talk myself out of it
AR: thanks kaidan
KA: anytime, atlas
KA: talk to you later
AR: see ya, kaidan
AR: thanks for encouraging my impulsive nature <3
Two days later, and Kaidan goes to bed almost as soon as he wakes up with a migraine. It’s one of the more intense ones, one that he can taste down in his teeth, one that makes his whole head feel sore. He keeps an ice pack pressed against his forehead, the lights turned down low, and a mound of pillows stacked carefully over his face. Eventually he manages to drift off, the pain fading away as he sleeps. He wakes up to an insistent buzzing on his omni-tool, blearily sitting up and dislodging his carefully stacked pillows. The ice pack has fallen to the side, warm now, but the pain is nearly completely gone and the light omni-tool interface doesn’t bother him when he flicks it open.
AR: kaidan guess what
AR: i did it
AR: i am a freshly tattooed man
AR: all bc of you
AR: maybe next time i should get your name
KA: that one i’m gonna have to discourage
KA: don’t think i’m worth permanent body modification
AR: what happened to letting me be young and reckless
AR: anyway, i wanna see you
AR: you free?
KA: yeah
KA: but i don’t feel like going out
KA: you can come here if you like
KA: i can cook
KA: or we can order something
AR: are you feeling okay
AR: do you need me to come cheer you up
AR: or play doctor
AR: i’m not a good one but i’ll do my best
KA: hah, no, just woke up from a migraine. Still feeling a little out of it
AR: oh shit man i hate it when that happens
AR: so what kind of takeout do you want?
AR: i’ll pick it up on my way
AR: personally, garlic fucks me up right after a migraine
KA: you get them too, huh?
AR: yeah
AR: my dumbass kept overheating my amp
AR: anyway
AR: food
KA: garlic bothers me, too
KA: how about chinese?
KA: there’s a place not far from my apartment
KA: sells cheap lo mein
AR: that sounds perfect. I’ll pick us up some.
AR: how much should i get?
KA: i suggest an order for each of us
KA: and maybe a third one to split later
KA: can’t have too much lo mein
AR: you’re a man after my own heart, alenko
AR: see you in a few
Kaidan closes the interface on his ‘tool and lays back in bed for a second. He doesn’t feel like getting up and making himself presentable, but he doesn’t want Atlas to see him like this either. He groans, laying there for a few more seconds before rolling out of the bed. He doesn’t bother making it, only grabs the ice pack and throws it in the freezer before pulling on a clean shirt. He doesn’t think Atlas is the type of man to run away after seeing him like this, but if he is, then he isn’t worth his time anyway. He spends the rest of his wait tidying up the living room, although it’s already clean. He hadn’t anticipated feeling so nervous, like he’s a teenager again getting ready to ask a pretty girl in his class on a date. He laughs a little to himself- tells himself that he’s too old for this, that he can feel too many years in his bones when he rolls out of the bed to be acting like a lovestruck teenager with a crush, but he can’t will his feelings away.
Atlas knocks on the door, his other hand full of food. The food was cheap and plentiful, and his stomach was growling. His face was still a little tender, too, but he thinks the tattoo does look cool. Kaidan answers the door quickly,= though, ushering Atlas inside. He does look like shit, but Atlas is all too familiar with the post-migraine look, so he just sits the food on the counter and gives him an easy grin. He can’t stop himself from glancing around the apartment- it’s a nice one. A lot nicer than he expected, actually.
“Nice place you have here,” he says, with a low whistle. Kaidan stands next to him, a half-smile on his face.
“The Council is letting me stay here temporarily, thanks to my service with Celesta. My leave ends in a couple of months- the Alliance wanted to give me plenty of time to mourn before giving me my next assignment. It’s boring as all hell, if I’m honest. I’ve run out of things to do,” he says, shuffling his feet. Atlas glances down, notices that he’s wearing a tattered set of bedroom slippers. He thinks they used to be bunnies, but only one of them has the eyes and both of them have frayed strands instead of ears. He finds it oddly endearing that he has these old, worn out slippers. He wonders how long he’s had him, how many places they’ve followed him.
“I wish I could afford a place like this,” he says, looking back up. He’s just now noticing that Kaidan is a little taller, and finds himself suddenly wanting to kiss him. He looks away again, hoping that his face isn’t as red as it feels.
“You’re welcome to stay, anytime you’d like,” Kaidan says, warmth in his voice.
“I may have to take you up on that,” he says, a soft smile on his face. Kaidan smiles back, and Atlas tries not to think about how this is just one more thing he’ll be leaving if he goes to Andromeda.
Both of them eat way too much. Kaidan finds himself sneaking glances at Atlas when he isn’t looking, feeling more and more like that lovestruck teenager. He can’t help but notice how Atlas keeps looking away, digging at his noodles like there’s something bothering him. He remembers the first conversation the two of them had, back in the bar, when he said he was drinking to forget about a decision he had to make.
“Hey, Atlas, I was wondering. You mentioned a decision you didn't want to make. What is it?” he asks, twirling noodles around on his fork. He tries not to look at Atlas, tries to give him the space he needs to answer.
“It’s...kind of a long story, actually,” he says, with a sigh. He looks exhausted suddenly, and Kaidan feels a little bad, but he wants to know.
“I’ve got time, if you feel like telling it,” he says, reaching across the table. He hesitates, hand hovering for half a heartbeat before he takes Atlas’ hand, squeezing gently. Atlas puts his fork down, squeezing back. He doesn’t make any move to pull his hand back, either.
“Well, you already know about Dad’s research. The thing is, he’s with this thing called the Andromeda Initiative. In a few months, Dad and a few other hundred thousand people are going to go into cryogenic stasis and make their way towards the Andromeda galaxy. Six hundred years in cryostasis and a brand new galaxy. Dad and Sierra are going, and there’s a spot open for me, but I haven’t made my mind up yet,” he says, and then he’s silent. He doesn’t let go, either, just curl’s his fingers a little tighter. Kaidan’s silent for a couple of minutes, gives him time to say anything else if he wants to say it.
“Wow. Yeah that is...that is a tough decision, all right,” he agrees, giving his hand a sympathetic squeeze.
“Yeah. But I’ve got time before I have to make my decision. I’d rather focus on spending time with you,” he says, giving him a small smile.
“We can always watch a movie. I’m too full for popcorn, but I have wine, and the couch is comfortable. We could grab some blankets, hit the lights…” he says. The idea sounds more and more appealing the longer he thinks about it, and he can see the same feeling creeping over Atlas’ face.
“That’s a damn fine idea, Alenko,” he says, with a grin. Kaidan smiles back, letting go of his hand and stretching.
“I’ll grab the blankets. You find a movie you wanna watch, remote’s on the coffee table,” he says, before he darts down the hallway. Atlas picks a movie he’d watched all the time as a little kid, thinks he could use the familiarity, thinks he’d like nothing more than to curl up against Kaidan to ride out the nostalgia. Kaidan comes back a few minutes later, a comically large comforter draped over him. He spends a few minutes arranging it into a suitable nest on the couch, wanting it to be perfect. He barely pays any attention to the movie selection until he’s seated on the couch, patting the space next to him. Atlas doesn’t waste any time curling up against him. He stays pressed up against his side, and Kaidan finds that they’re touching everywhere. Shoulders, thighs, knees. He knows he’s not going to be able to focus on the movie, not with Atlas so close, even as he turns the lights off and presses play.
As the movie plays on, he can feel Atlas sagging against him. Halfway through, and Atlas is laying down, his head in Kaidan’s lap. He’s fighting a losing battle with his eyelids, and Kaidan’s looking at him more than he’s looking at the television. He reaches down, running his hand through Atlas’ hair. The boy lets out a groan, burrowing deeper into the comforter, his eyes drifting shut. Kaidan can’t keep the smile off his face as he sits there. He thinks that this has been the best chance encounter he’s ever had, thinks that the few weeks of peace he’ll get as a result is worth it, even if Atlas says goodbye to go somewhere six hundred years away. Kaidan thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’d be interested crossing the space between galaxies with him.
Atlas wakes with a start. For a second, he can’t remember where he is. He doesn’t recognize the pillow under his head or the blanket wrapped around him. It’s dark, too, and that doesn’t help. He fumbles to bring up the interface on his omni-tool, finds it’s the middle of the night cycle, but by now he remembers Kaidan and the Chinese food and the movie and falling asleep on his lap. His senses come into focus all at once, and he realizes that he can hear the shower running a few rooms over. He stretches back out, rolling onto his back. He’s comfortable, feels safe and warm in a way that he hasn’t felt in years. The shower cuts off, and he pushes himself up so he’s sitting, the arm of the couch pressing into his spine. Kaidan comes back into the living room a few minutes later, damp hair tousled from the towel. He’s not wearing a shirt, just an old pair of sweatpants. He doesn’t notice Atlas, not yet, and Atlas drinks in the sight. He looks a lot better than he had a few hours ago, like the shower has revitalized him. His body has a map of scars, and Atlas finds himself wondering where they came from.
Kaidan turns around, jumping when he sees Atlas sitting up before giving him a sheepish grin.
“I didn’t realize you were awake,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I was admiring the view, is all,” Atlas says, drawing his knees up to his chest, a grin on his face. He’s rewarded when Kaidan’s cheeks turn pink. He props his chin on top of his knees, taking in the man in front of him. He thinks he’s starting to find it harder and harder to justify the trip to Andromeda, finds it hard to think about waking up in six hundred years, knowing Kaidan had already lived and died while he slept.
Atlas leaves Kaidan’s apartment the next morning, says he’ll be by again soon. Kaidan watches him go, thinks about how all he wants to do is kiss him, tries awfully hard not to think about actually kissing him. He tries to remind himself that he’s too old for him, that Atlas will likely be leaving in a few months anyway, that it’ll be easier for Atlas if Kaidan lets him leave as his favorite what-if. He finds himself thinking about the Andromeda Initiative, and wonders why he hasn’t heard anything about it yet. On a whim, he pulls up his omni-tool.
KA: I have a question.
DA: What is it, Alenko?
KA: Have you heard of the Andromeda Initiative?
DA: Rumors.
DA: Nothing more substantial than that, I’m afraid.
DA: Why?
KA: I heard about it recently.
KA: I was thinking about signing up.
KA: The galaxy doesn’t feel the same.
KA: Not without her.
KA: Not with them erasing her.
DA: I have to admit, I’d hate to see you go.
DA: But the choice is yours.
DA: I’ll understand if you want to go.
DA: Hell, there are days I think it’d be easier for me.
DA: Pack Tiberius up, set off for a new home.
DA: Celesta would kill me for thinking about it.
KA: Thank you, sir.
KA: I haven’t come anywhere close to a decision.
KA: Just thinking. Exploring my options.
DA: Understandable.
DA: I hope whatever you decide to do gives you peace.
KA: Thank you, Anderson.
KA: Andromeda or not, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
DA: Thank you, Alenko.
DA: I appreciate you, too.
DA: Have a good day, kiddo.
AR: hey, sis?
SR: i’m here baby bro
AR: you are three minutes older than me
AR: that’s unnecessary
AR: anyway
AR: i’ve been thinking
AR: about andromeda
SR: have you made a decision?
AR: not yet.
AR: not really.
AR: but i don’t know if i want to leave.
AR: there’s this guy i met
AR: super nice
AR: a little old
AR: but he makes me think i have a future here
AR: and i’m scared to give it up
SR: andromeda won’t be the best choice for everyone, bro
SR: if you think you’ll be happier here
SR: then stay
SR: it’ll suck, and i’ll miss you
SR: you’re my brother
SR: there’s literally nobody else that knows me like you do
SR: but your life is your own
SR: you gotta live it your way
AR: thanks, sis
AR: i just
AR: i’m going to end up missing something either way
AR: and i can’t figure out which one will hurt less
AR: which one would be better for me
SR: i get that
SR: but the truth is?
SR: no matter what you do, it’s gonna be a risk.
SR: your career is on ice, if you stay here
SR: but andromeda is a complete unknown
SR: and there won’t be any coming back from it
SR: sometimes you have to decide between the risks you know
SR: and the risks you don’t
SR: and you’re the only one who can make that choice
AR: i know
AR: i just
AR: i wish it was as easy for me as it is for you
AR: i don’t like the idea of living out my life while you sleep
AR: but i don’t like the idea of sleeping while life goes on here
SR: that’s understandable
SR: but whatever choice you make
SR: i love you
SR: i’m always gonna love you
SR: you’re always gonna be my annoying little brother
SR: even if you stay here and i go there
SR: we’re still twins
SR: still Ryders
SR: and no amount of time or distance can change that
AR: you know what?
AR: i think that’s what i needed to hear
AR: thank you, sierra
SR: welcome, atlas
SR: oh, shit
SR: gotta go
SR: someone’s calling my name
SR: loveyoubye
AR: love you too
AR: can we talk?
KA: of course
KA: what’s up?
AR: i don’t want to go to andromeda
AR: but my career here has been put on ice because of my dad
AR: i don’t want to stay on arcturus for the rest of my life
AR: i don’t want to wake up forty years down the road
AR: stuck in a dead end
AR: because of the mistakes my father made decades ago
AR: but i don’t know what else to do
AR: i was never going to do anything but enlist
AR: as much as i pretend otherwise
AR: i’ve got a limited set of skills
KA: i may be able to help
KA: come over
AR: ...okay
AR: i’m on my way
Atlas is at Kaidan’s apartment in record time. He’s so nervous that he can’t think straight, can’t stop himself from fidgeting even as Kaidan lets him inside.
“What did you have to say that had to be said in person?” he asks, blurting it out. He cringes, hadn’t meant to do that, had meant to have a little more tact about the whole thing. Kaidan just gives him a soft smile, leads him to the couch.
“My next assignment is on Horizon, out in the Terminus Systems. It’s supposedly part of this outreach program to repair relationships with the colonists, but that’s just a smokescreen. They want to keep me out of the public eye. But I looked into the Initiative, looked over the requirements. I’m eligible, even with my migraines,” he says, the words coming out in a rush.
“I felt kinda silly before, but part of the reason I don’t want to go is you. You’re the best thing to happen to me in months, Kaidan, and maybe this is too much too soon but I don’t want to leave you. And I know it’s dumb to make a decision like that for a boy, but I was on the fence about the whole thing anyway. This friendship we’ve got is new, and it’s just another tie I don’t want to sever, but I’m so afraid of being alone. Sierra and Dad are all I’ve ever had, and in a few months they ship off for a brand new galaxy, with or without me, and I don’t know if I’ll be left alone in the dust,” he says, feels like he might start crying. Everything seems to hit him at once, all the feelings he’d tried to lock away, tried to ignore. He can’t ignore them much longer, not with the deadline getting closer and closer. Kaidan just reaches out and takes his hand, squeezing.
“Well, I was over here thinking about going to Andromeda for you, so you’re not the only one moving too fast. But if you decide to stay, you won’t be alone. I’ll be here for you in whatever capacity I can. But I want to know something before either of us makes any big decision. Are we friends? I feel like we’ve been skirting something else ever since we met,” he says, a faint smile on his face, but he can’t quite hide the anxiety there either. Atlas finds that it’s a little easier to breathe, now, with his options lined up in front of him.
“I’ve been wondering that myself. I’m not...I’m not the type of guy who can do hook-ups or anything like that. I’ve been...I don’t know, kind of afraid, I think. I like you. I like you enough that I may end up staying in the Milky Way for you. But I don’t want to push anything,” he says, glancing away, biting his bottom lip. He doesn’t want to tell him how much he wants this, how all he wants is to kiss him until he can’t catch his breath.
“I’m not going to lie, I like you too. But I’m too old for you, Atlas. I’m at least a decade older. Ten years is a lot of time,” he says, brown eyes looking troubled, his brow creased.
“That isn’t a problem. Not for me. But if we do anything, well, I guess this should tell you what to expect. I fall in love too fast and too soon and too much. It’s probably not healthy, if I think about it, but it’s me. And I’m probably going to be even more attached to you than I’ve ever been before because you’re going to be the only person I’ve got in the whole galaxy and I know firsthand what kind of problems that can bring, but the only thing I can think about is how I want to try to work through them anyway, with you, because you make me feel better about existing,” he says, scooting closer. Kaidan’s silent for a second, and Atlas is already building himself up for rejection, knows that it’ll hurt more coming from him with that soft voice and those warm eyes, knows it won’t make it any easier to say goodbye, either.
“Does that mean you’re staying?” he asks, instead, and Atlas lets out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding.
“I guess it does,” he answers, and Kaidan’s smile is dazzling. A heartbeat passes between them, and Atlas isn’t sure who makes the first move, but they’re kissing, Kaidan’s lips warm and soft against his, the stubble on his jaw scraping against his skin. At some point, Atlas lets go of his hand, his fingers fisting in the Kaidan’s t-shirt, pulling him closer. He makes a soft sound in the back of his throat when he feels Kaidan’s fingers tangling in his hair, pulling him as close as he can. When they break apart he is breathless, his head spinning in the best way, and when he looks into those brown eyes he sees a future that he’d fight tooth and nail for. He thinks about Sierra, and he thinks about risks, and he knows that Kaidan is a risk he would take a thousand times over. He knows the galaxy is hovering on the brink of something big, knows that this thing between them might not last, knows that he might get his heart broken. He thinks he’d do this anyway, even if he knew that his heart would lie shattered in a billion broken pieces at the end of it all, knows that this will be worth it.
KA: I’ve got a question, Anderson.
KA: One that probably is best discussed where the conversation is secure.
DA: I was just about to head out to lunch.
DA: Meet me at that burger stand Celesta always liked.
KA: See you in a few, sir.
Kaidan is almost surprised to see Anderson in civilian clothes, almost doesn’t recognize him. He slides into the seat next to him anyway, and he orders a soda and fries.
“What did you need to talk about, Alenko?” Anderson asks, clapping him on the back in greeting.
“There’s a boy I know. Atlas Ryder. His father got caught doing illegal AI research, and Atlas’ career with the Alliance is suffering as a result. He doesn’t wanna be stuck on Arcturus his whole life, and I can’t say I blame him. Is there anything we could do to clear his name?” he asks, a little helplessly. He knows if the higher ups found out about the two of them they’d both be at risk, knows it’d go on their records as fraternization, even if Kaidan doesn’t have any real power over Atlas.
“I heard about that. It’s nasty business. I could probably put in some recommendations for the kid, but the brass probably won’t do anything. Might give him a few promotions to keep him happy, but they’ll probably keep him on Arcturus until he leaves,” Anderson says. Kaidan grimaces.
“And what about Horizon? You’d think the shit I did with Shepard would buy me any position I wanted. I was a big hero a month ago,” he says, bitterness seeping into his tone. He’s pissed at the unfairness of it all, knows there’s nothing he can do about any of it.
“It’s a smokescreen, Kaidan, and we both know it. They want to keep you away from anyone who could ask questions about Celesta, about the Reapers. They don’t want to admit there’s a threat, don’t want to admit they’re sitting on their asses instead of doing something useful. But I’ve heard something recently,” he says, leaning forward. Kaidan finds himself leaning closer too, knows whatever Anderson’s about to say is something neither of them should know.
“What is it, sir?” he asks, his fingers curling around the edge of the table.
“I heard that the Shadow Broker is looking for Celesta’s body. I heard that he’s close to finding it, too,” he says, and Kaidan takes a deep breath, the air whistling through his teeth.
“What does that mean?” he asks, voice hushed. He’s sure it’s important, but there’s too many missing pieces in this puzzle, and no way he’ll be able to solve it.
“I’m not sure, but it doesn’t feel like anything good,” Anderson says, sitting back up abruptly as the food is delivered. He frowns down at his fries, too many things happening and none of them getting any answers.
KA: so i talked to that friend i told you about
KA: he said there’s probably nothing he can do
KA: but he did let slip the salary i’ll be getting for working on horizon
KA: it’s a lot
KA: enough to support two people, easy
AR: what are you saying?
KA: come to horizon with me
KA: i can keep us up until you find a job
KA: if you even want one
AR: wow, and i thought i was moving too fast
AR: and here you are, asking me to move in with you
AR: but yes
AR: i was so scared you weren’t gonna ask
KA: i wouldn’t expect you to stay here for me
KA: and not be on the same damn planet
KA: i have a feeling neither of us will want long distance
AR: it’s still weird that you’re my boyfriend
AR: you’re so
AR: everything i’ve ever wanted
KA: you’re pretty swell, too
KA: it doesn’t feel real to me either
KA: i’m still too old for you tho
AR: you ever gonna let that go, old man?
KA: doubtful
KA: gotta have something to give you shit about
AR: fine, fine
AR: my name is atlas ryder and i like
AR: long walks on the beach
AR: pretty sunsets
AR: real books
AR: and older men
AR: with an eye on one older man in particular
AR: who’s everything i ever wanted out of my life
AR: and who i am also unhealthily attached to
AR: no big deal tho right
KA: you absolute dork
AR: but i’m your dork <3
KA: you absolutely are
ARSR: Atlas.
ARSR: I’m not trying to pressure you, but the arks launch in a few months.
ARSR: Your choice is your own, but you’re running out of time to make it.
AR: don’t worry dad
AR: i think i’ve made it already
AR: it wasn’t an easy one
AR: i still might cry about it
AR: but i think i made it
ARSR: And what is your decision, son?
AR: i’m staying
AR: there’s a boy
AR: who’s going to give me a life
AR: and sometimes you gotta pick between the risks you know
AR: and the ones you don’t
ARSR: I understand.
ARSR: I’m going to miss you.
ARSR: I know I haven’t been the best father.
ARSR: But you’re my son.
ARSR: And I do love you, as strange as the idea might be.
AR: i love you too, dad.
AR: believe me, i do.
AR: i don’t want you or sierra to leave me
AR: but my heart is telling me to stay here
ARSR: I’m proud of you for making that decision.
ARSR: Even if I hate to leave you behind.
ARSR: Which I’ll only do on one condition, young man.
AR: what’s that, old man?
ARSR: I get to see you before I go into stasis.
ARSR: I want to say goodbye.
AR: sure thing, pops.
AR: and i want to say this now
AR: when nobody can see me crying
AR: but i know i’m going to die before you
AR: so i want you to know
AR: whatever afterlife there is
AR: i’ll wait for you there
AR: and when you get there
AR: you better tell me every single thing you saw in Andromeda
AR: make me feel like i was there anyway
ARSR: You can count on it, son.
ARSR: And I’ll do you one better than that.
ARSR: I’ll find something new in Andromeda.
ARSR: Something that matches your idealism.
ARSR: Something that matches your soul.
ARSR: And I’ll name it after you.
ARSR: And six hundred years away, in a brand new galaxy
ARSR: People will remember you.
AR: i love you dad
AR: i know things haven’t been the best between us
AR: but i love you
AR: i never once didn’t
AR: i’ll make sure people remember you, too
ARSR: You’re a good son, Atlas.
ARSR: I’ve always been proud to call you mine.
ARSR: Leaving you behind is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
ARSR: I’ll see you soon for a real goodbye.
AR: okay
AR: and by the way?
AR: i’m proud to call you my dad, too
The next day, Atlas starts to fill out the paperwork that will let him leave the Alliance.
Kaidan asks for an extension on his leave. He’s not due back for another month, but there’s only a couple after that before the arks are supposed to leave. He knows Atlas will need to stay on the Citadel, will need to say goodbye in the final few days. He knows it’ll be hard, knows he’ll be watching Atlas fall apart before he can start to put him back together again, and he wants to make it as easy as he can. He spins a sob story about Shepard and grief. He supposes it isn’t a complete lie- his boyfriend will be grieving the only two people he has left- but the Alliance doesn’t need to know the truth of it all.
Three days later, he gets a message telling him that his request has been granted, and that they are sorry for his loss. His position on the colony will be held open, ready for him whenever he’s ready. He thinks Atlas cries when he tells him.
In the weeks counting down to the departure of the arks, Atlas has nightmares. They are all about his father and his sister, sleeping, while he lives out his life. In one, he is on the Ark Hyperion as it drifts through deep space. He is the only one awake, and the ship feels like a tomb. He can’t go to sleep and he can’t wake anybody else up, and he is left to stumble through the dark corridors, alone, until he dies, nearly a century later. It is this one he wakes from in Kaidan’s apartment, a deep-seated terror curling around his heart like a vice. He’d fallen asleep on the couch again, but all he can see in the darkness is an eternity of solitude stretching before him. He stumbles down the hallway to Kaidan’s room, blanket wrapped around his shoulders and trailing behind him. He stands in the doorway, the seconds ticking by, and then he crawls into the bed. It’s easier to breathe here, with tangible proof that he isn’t alone, but the dream he had haunts him.
Kaidan sits up, half asleep. He holds the blanket up and Atlas slips underneath, Kaidan curling around him even as he settles down, shifting to find somewhere comfortable. He ends up with the side of his head pressed against Kaidan’s chest, the steady beating of his heart loosening the fear that held him. Kaidan presses a clumsy, sleepy kiss to his forehead, murmuring soothing sounds against his ear.
Atlas thinks he made the right choice, after all- doesn’t know how many beds he’d be able to crawl into in Andromeda. He drifts off to sleep again, a soft smile on his face. His dreams, when he has them, are peaceful.
The next morning Kaidan wakes to artificial sunlight streaming through the window, and Atlas tangled up with him in the sheets. He smiles down at him, leans over to press a kiss against the top of his head. Atlas groans, stirring, blinking his eyes open to look up at Kaidan, a faint smile on his face as he realizes where he is. He thinks if he had to pick a moment to live in for the rest of his life, he’d pick this one. Atlas stretches, leaning up to press a sleepy kiss against his lips, curling up against him. Kaidan thinks that they should get up, start working on breakfast, but instead he curls around him, pulling him closer, nestling back into the bed. This moment might not last forever, but he can make it last a little longer all the same.
The days turn into weeks that turn into months. Kaidan can tell that Atlas is watching time go by apprehensively, like he’s trying to cup sand in his hands but can’t stop the grains from falling no matter how hard he tries. He gets quiet in the weeks leading up his father’s visit, doesn’t talk as much, but he clings to Kaidan every chance he gets.
The day they’re scheduled to arrive, Atlas is a wreck. Neither of them get any sleep the night before, and Kaidan can tell that he’s hovering on the edge of panic. They had agreed to meet at the embassy- Alec had some last business to take care of regarding the Initiative, and he was sure they could find the privacy they needed. Atlas insists on arriving two hours early, spending the time pacing while Kaidan sits in one of the most uncomfortable plastic chairs he’s ever had the misfortune of encountering. Minutes stretch into hours, and finally an older man with authority in his step and a girl with hair dyed sunset orange step into the room. Alec Ryder looks every inch the N7 he is- stiff and uncomfortable, hands clasped behind his back- but he melts when he sees Atlas. The boy doesn’t waste any time in throwing himself at his father, his arms going around his neck and clinging like he might never let go. For the first time since his children were little, Alec Ryder bundles his son into his arms, holding him like he can keep the rest of the world at bay.
It’s a few minutes before either of them notice Kaidan, and they probably wouldn’t have noticed him then if he hadn’t stood up. Alec’s head swivels towards him sharply, eyes narrowing, and Kaidan’s been faced with this stare enough times to know when he’s being assessed. He keeps his head held high, his hands tucked into his hoodie, his stance loose.
“You the reason my boy is staying behind?” Alec asks, face unreadable, and Atlas turns to look over his shoulders, blue eyes wide, a faint half-smile on his face, even as he blinks back tears.
“His choice is his own, sir, but I will say that I’m honored he considered me when he was making it,” he answers, voice even, and Atlas’ smile widens just a little. He lets go of his father, then, reaches for his sister, and Alec takes a step towards Kaidan, his hand coming down to rest on his shoulder.
“I gotta say, Alenko, I wasn’t expecting much when he mentioned a boy. Thought it’d be some grunt he was throwing everything away for. But I feel better knowing you’re going to be the one watching his back now that I can’t,” he says, and Kaidan can see his eyes shining. The air smells like loss and leaving, and he doesn’t envy any of them.
“I’ll do what I can to keep him happy, sir,” he says, soft smile on his face, eyes wandering over to the boy in question. He’s clinging to his sister, now, wrapping her in the biggest hug he can manage, knows he’s never going to get to do this again.
“I know he’s in good hands, now,” Alec replies, clapping him on the shoulder once before turning away. Kaidan watches them for a few more seconds, enough to see him pull both of his children into his arms, before he murmurs an excuse under his breath and steps outside.
Kaidan waits for hours. Doesn’t ever think about leaving, though, doesn’t want to think about Atlas walking out and him not being there. So he sits on another uncomfortable chair, fingers drumming against his thigh, bored out of his mind. He doesn’t mind, not really, but people watching loses the appeal after a half hour and he’s left without anything to occupy his thoughts.
Finally, Atlas steps out into the hallway, arms wrapped around his stomach, eyes red, tear tracks staining his face. Kaidan’s on his feet immediately, arms open, and Atlas buries his face in his chest, body shuddering. He holds on, tight as he can, like he can the goodbye hurt just a little less. They stand like that for a few minutes, everyone that’s passing by giving them a wide berth and curious looks.
“I couldn’t do it without you,” Atlas murmurs, eventually, voice muffled in Kaidan’s shirt. He hums in response, hands rubbing soothing circles on his back.
“I meant it, you know. I am honored that someone like you would make a decision like that for me,” he says, holding him just a little tighter.
“It’s not gonna be easy. I’m actually a really awful boyfriend,” he says, pulling back, wiping his face with his sleeves, but there’s a wavering grin on his face anyway. For the first time since meeting him, Atlas looks twenty-two and lost, trying to put on a brave face for the rest of the world. Kaidan pulls him into another hug, holding him close.
“Well, thank God I’m already in it for the long haul,” he says, letting out a breath of a laugh. Atlas makes a choked sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob, clinging desperately.
“Let’s go home,” he says, after a few seconds pass, suddenly conscious of the other people drifting through the embassy. Kaidan steps back, linking his fingers through Atlas’, keeping him close even as they fall into step together.
“I’m not the best with this kind of stuff, but anything I can do, I will,” he tells him, and Atlas sniffles beside him.
“I just wanna take it easy for this last week,” he says, voice quiet. Later, this will be one of the memories that stands out in Kaidan’s mind. He’ll remember the way Atlas’ hand felt in his, remember the way he walked just a step ahead of the boy, like he was clearing a path, remember the way he looked over at his shoulder, remember the earnest look and the shining blue eyes staring back at him. For now, though, he just smiles.
“I think we can do that,” he says, and he gives his hand a gentle squeeze.
Atlas leans back against the wall of the shuttle, head thunking against the metal. He’s impatient, even though they just broke into the atmosphere of the planet. Kaidan gives him an amused smile from the seat opposite him, legs stretched out. Seconds later, they’re given the all-clear, allowed to get up and move. Atlas is at the window moments later, face pressed against the glass, watching the colony drift past as the pilot steers them towards the landing zone.
“What do you think?” Kaidan asks, almost indulgently, as he comes to stand next to him.
“It’s….so small. I think it’s smaller than anywhere else I’ve ever been,” he says, craning his head back to look up at him.
“All right, city boy,” he says, laughing, hand coming to rest on the small of his back.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Alenko. Let’s see how you like it when the extranet goes out and we have to live like barbarians,” he says, but he’s laughing too.
“Speaking of the extranet, did you ever find a job? I know you were looking,” he asks, glancing back out at the colony. The little house the Alliance has given them isn’t far from the landing zone, but it’s still on the outskirts of the colony. They’re both grateful for the privacy, but they know it won’t do anything to make the colonists like them if they live as outsiders.
“Not yet. There’s a few security jobs open that I was looking at,” Atlas answers, looking back out the window and leaning into Kaidan.
“You don’t have to get a job, you know. You could stay home, play the housewife, start a garden,” he says, one corner of his mouth quirked up in a grin.
“Hey, don’t tempt me. I’d make a great housewife,” he says, as the shuttle pulls up to the docks. He leans up, pulling him down for a quick kiss before stepping back, hefting up his suitcase. He isn’t sure what kind of life to expect, but he knows that he’d gladly walk into it with Kaidan at his side.
They settle into life on Horizon quickly. Atlas manages to get a part time position as a guard at school, working three days a week. Kaidan spends his time working on the colony’s defenses, scurrying around and trying to improve the relationship between the Alliance and the colonists while he works, but none of them buy it. He can’t say he blames them, either, not with the rumors about lost colonies and not with the slaver attacks the Alliance couldn’t prevent in the past. He’s not so happy when they take their bitterness out on him, but he can’t say he blames them for that, either, since he’s the face of the Alliance in the colony. Atlas fares a little better- the kids love him, the teachers like him, and a lot of parents tolerate him. He thinks it’s because he isn’t officially Alliance, even if his boyfriend is, but he’ll take what he can get.
A few systems over, in a lab under attack, face still gleaming with scars, Celesta Shepard opens her eyes.
Neither of them are ready for the attack when it comes. The seeker swarms freeze them in place, Kaidan in the center of the colony and Atlas on his way to find him, more than a little desperate. Celesta arrives just in time, glowing blue, rifle hot in her hands, the swarms ignoring her entirely. Her hair is white-blond, now, but it’d been red when she died.
She’s only in Atlas’ line of sight for a handful of minutes, until she clears the battlefield and moves on to the next. Minutes later, or maybe hours, since time doesn’t seem to have much of a meaning when you’re in stasis, Atlas finds that he can move again. He finds Kaidan just as he finds Celesta, his heart in his throat as he skids to a stop in front of him. Kaidan looks back over his shoulder, face softening when he sees him, before he turns back to Shepard.
“I’m sorry,” she says, earnestly, rifle slack in her hands, dark circles under her eyes, “I didn’t want it to end this way. I did everything I could.” It was true enough, but the Collectors still got away, half the colony on board, and she’s tired of being one step behind. She’s tired, anyway, hasn’t been able to sleep since she woke up to a hail of bullets.
“You did more than most, Shepard, don’t beat yourself up about it,” Garrus says, voice soft behind her. She glances over her shoulder with a tired smile, grateful for the support.
“Wait a second, Shepard? I remember you. You were some big Alliance hero,” the mechanic says, resentment written all over his face. She wonders if people will ever be grateful for the things that she does to save them.
“Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel. You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan, a goddamn ghost,” a familiar voice says, Kaidan Alenko striding into view. Celesta’s heart is in her throat, hammering in her ears. She remembers late night chats in the mess hall, fighting back to back. She remembers Ilos and the night before, when none of them could sleep and the whole crew had all gathered in the mess hall. She thinks she might be sick. A boy steps into view behind him, tall and broad-shouldered, relief melting onto his face when he sees Kaidan.
“All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures,” the mechanic snorts, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Kaidan works his ass off for this colony. Show some fucking respect,” the boy says, stepping up. Kaidan glances over his shoulder at him, his whole face softening as he sees him.
“Oh, screw this. I’m done with you Alliance types,” he says, stalking away. The boy steps up to stand behind Kaidan, hand coming to rest on his shoulder. Celesta’s eyes flick between the two of them. She wonders who he is, wonders who he is to Kaidan, but Kaidan reaches up to touch his hand before stepping towards her and gives her an answer.
“I thought you were dead, Commander. We all did,” he says, voice measured and steady, hand reaching out towards her. She hesitates, then takes it, pulling him into a hug. He still smells the same as he did after Virmire, like gunmetal and sunshine and sweat. She feels tears welling up in her eyes, wonders how she’s made it this far without her best friend at her back.
“It’s been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?” she asks, letting him go, a fond smile on her face even as she blinks back tears.
“That all you have to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing’s happened. I would have followed you anywhere, Commander! Thinking you were gone was like losing a limb! If it weren’t for Atlas, God knows what state I’d be in. Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you try to let me know you were alive?” he says, voice raising, and he’s trembling, just a little. The boy- Atlas- steps forward again, reaching out, but he lets his hand fall back to his side and settles for moving closer.
“I wasn’t even awake, Kaidan! Cerberus spent the last two years putting me back together again! If what they say is true, I wasn’t anything but meat and tubes when they brought me in. I couldn’t contact anyone,” she says, bristling. She’s spent the last few months out of her mind, wondering about him, about everyone. She thinks that this is what she will hold against the Illusive Man, thinks that he can hold the blame for this and add it to his list of sins.
“You’re with Cerberus?” Kaidan asks, stepping back, face hardening. This time Atlas does put his hand on his shoulder, the two of them sharing a look, Kaidan leaning into his touch. There aren’t many doubts about what they are to each other left in her head, and she thinks that if this were any other time in any other situation, she’d congratulate her friend, tell him that she’s genuinely happy for him. But this isn’t any other time or any other situation, so she squares her shoulders and lifts her chin defiantly.
“I’m not with anyone. I’m using Cerberus resources to fight the Collectors. I’m doing what I have to do,” she says, voice stiff, and there’s a rift growing between her and Alenko that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to bridge, a hard look of anger settling over his face.
“We’re just doing what we have to, too,” Atlas says, voice measured and steady, and for the first time Celesta notices how young he is. Or maybe she’s noticing how old she is.
Kaidan turns away from her, and the boy follows him. Celesta boards the shuttle, throwing her helmet at the door as it shuts, and sits down on the bench, breath ragged. Garrus and Miranda watch, apprehensive, as she tries to breathe through the pain.
There isn’t anything left for them on Horizon, so Atlas and and Kaidan are packing their things before the Alliance sends in new orders. Kaidan’s quiet, only shows him the order to report to the Citadel on the datapad before turning back to his suitcase. Over the past few months they’d built a life on the little colony, and Atlas’ hands shake as they pack it away.
“It’s funny. Before she died, I would have followed her anywhere; jeopardized my career with the Alliance to do just that. What changed?” he asks, a little desperate, sitting on the edge of the bed with his helmet in his hands. He’d changed out of the armor when they’d got back, started packing it up, and he looks small and lost and scared. Atlas stops what he’s doing, drops the shirt he’d been folding, and reaches up to cup Kaidan’s cheek. He leans into the touch like he’s desperate for it.
“It’s been two years, Kaidan. She was dead. You mourned her and you moved on and you learned to live your life again, and then she shows up working for a terrorist organization. There’s no shame in not joining her, not with this. Sometimes, you have to pick between the things you know and the things you don’t. It’s never a bad thing to stick to what you believe in,” he says, looking up at him, face soft and voice gentle. He wonders if Kaidan feels like he did when he had learned about his father’s research, but thinking about his father makes his heart constrict in his chest, so he files the thought away, focuses on the stubble rough against his palm.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Kaidan breathes, and it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders as Atlas pulls him into a hug, arms wrapped tight around him like he can protect him from the way he feels. He knows it isn’t fixed, knows that Kaidan is going to have to work through the betrayal on his own, but he presses a kiss against the top of his head like it’ll help.
“You’d have to pack all your stuff on your own,” he says, gently, faint smile on his face as he plucks the helmet out of his hands. Kaidan watches him with those warm brown eyes as Atlas picks up where he’d left off, doing what he can to ease the weight of the emotions he’s feeling.
Anderson tells them they might be on the Citadel for awhile before Kaidan’s next assignment. Neither of them are surprised, the shoreleave stretching out in front of them. Atlas can’t tell if it’s a blessing or a curse. They stay a couple weeks there before they make their way to Earth. There, they wait, the days turning into weeks into months.
Finally, Kaidan receives an encrypted message from Admiral Hackett, with orders to report to the London headquarters. He books a flight while Atlas packs their suitcases.