Work Text:
It was a typical Friday night for him. Well, typical for these days anyway. Reade was sitting alone on his couch, watching football and drinking beer.
Something he used to do with Tasha.
Every once in a while he would get up to scream at his TV, almost spilling his beer in the heat of the moment.
Something Tasha used to do.
Then the trance, the memory he was living in would break when he said something to her, forgetting that she wasn’t there.
She had always been there. And now he hadn’t seen her in two months.
He sat on the couch and sighed.
At first he had just been sad. Then, with time, his sadness had found anger to accompany it. He was angry, not so much at her but at himself for letting her walk away. Now he didn’t know where she was or what she was up to or if she was ever coming back.
With that thought he cracked open another beer.
Whatever he did, his thoughts always came back to her and it was painful for him. He wished he could just let go and move on but he knew he could never do that. Not with Tasha. His life wasn’t life without her in it, one way or the other. He needed to have her in his life in any capacity.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
He didn’t move. If it was someone from the team trying to get him to go out with them again, he wanted to save himself from the trouble of coming up with another lousy excuse to skip it, although this time he could have just used the terrible weather as an excuse. If it was the annoying lady from across the hall complaining about the noise he was making, he didn’t want to deal with her either. He wanted to be alone.
Then they knocked again. He still didn’t move.
After the third time he finally got up, groaning in annoyance, and walked to the door, ready to tell them to go away and slam the door at their face.
He opened the door with a rude answer ready on his lips but he froze when he saw her.
“Tasha?”
She stood silently in front of him, looking at the ground with her wet hair falling on her tear-streaked face and her whole being was screaming pure, unspoken pain. Her clothes were soaking wet from the rain but she didn’t seem to care. She seemed completely broken and he had never seen her in such state before and it scared him.
“Tasha? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” he asked, unsure what he should do. All he had dreamed about for the past two months was seeing her again but now that she was here, he could see just by looking at her that something was terribly wrong. There was a conflict welling inside of him: the sight of her caused something to bubble inside him but that feeling was suppressed by the anxiousness that seeing her in such state of mind caused.
She didn’t answer to his questions and he saw her jaw trembling and he could tell she was struggling to hold it together.
“Would you like to come in?” he asked and gestured her to come in.
She nodded and walked past him into his apartment. He closed the door and turned to look at her but she was facing away from him.
“Tasha…” he didn’t know what he should do so he walked closer and softly placed a hand on her shoulder. He was just about to ask her what was wrong again when he heard her whisper:
“I was pregnant.”
He froze. Slowly she turned around to face him and he saw that tears were streaming down her face. He looked at her with his mouth hanging slightly open.
“What do you mean… What do you mean you ‘were’ pregnant?”
She took a shaky breath and swallowed hard. When she spoke, he could hear that she was trying to force her voice to remain stable.
“I… I miscarried. I didn’t even know…. I didn’t even know I was…” she managed to say before the streaming tears cut her off.
He stared at her in disbelief. His train of thought sped forward and he felt and thought a million things at the same time. She had got pregnant. With his child. Then something had gone wrong… But what if it hadn’t? What if they had become parents? Would they have lived together happily ever after? Or would she have even come back?
He pulled himself back from those thoughts. He couldn’t think about that right now.
Suddenly he felt overwhelming sorrow and he wasn’t sure which was worse: seeing Tasha in pain, or the loss of a baby he hadn’t even known she was carrying.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He felt her clothes wet his but he didn’t care. She buried her face into his chest and he felt her whole body shake as she sobbed in his arms. Though he tried, he couldn’t hold back the tears that were burning in his eyes.
Holding her felt comforting and he silently hoped she would find some comfort in his embrace, too. He held her tight and every time another wave of sobs left her trembling, he held her even tighter. He held her until she seemed to run out of tears and she was completely still in his arms, except for the occasional sob.
He didn’t know how long they had stood there like that when he took a step back to look at her. Her gaze was blank and her eyes were swollen and red from crying. Slowly her eyes moved to look straight into his and she whispered:
“I’m sorry.”
Her voice was hoarse and the way she said it broke his heart.
“You have nothing to apologize for. It wasn’t your fault.”
She closed her eyes and her face twisted in pain.
“What if it was?”
“You can’t think like that, okay? It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.”
When she opened her eyes again and the blank gaze was back and she didn’t say another word. Seeing her like that made him suddenly understand that she needed him to be the strong one and be there for her right now. She was usually the one who stayed strong and unwavering through everything but not this time. This time it had to be him.
“Here, let me hang your jacket to dry” he said softly and she let him take her jacket.
Then he gently but firmly placed his hands on her shoulders and guided her to the couch and sat her down. She didn’t resist.
“I’m gonna make us some tea” he said.
He was about to turn around and head to the kitchen when he heard her fragile voice:
“Don’t go.”
He turned back around and saw her looking at him with her glistening eyes pleading. He sat down on the couch next to her and she immediately curled up against him and he took her in his arms once again and held her tight.
They didn’t speak. Every once in a while he felt a tear drop on his arm and he knew she was silently crying again. He stroked her hair, letting her know that he was there for her and he wasn’t going anywhere. Ever. He knew that now. He wasn’t going to let her leave like that again. Even if she didn’t want a romantic relationship with him, he was fine with that. He needed his best friend. And she had to feel the same way since she had come to him… right?
He looked at her and felt the pain radiating from her. He wished he could make her feel better but he didn’t know how to do that. Thinking about what she had gone through and what she was going through made him feel so terrible for her that he felt sick. She had gone through it all alone, with nobody by her side. He wished he could have been there. Now, more than ever, he wished he hadn’t let her walk away those months ago. He should have gone after her and made her understand that he was always going to be there for her and that she would never have to be alone again. Maybe things would be very different right now…
Suddenly he realized she had fallen asleep. Her brows were furrowed and she didn’t look peaceful but seeing her asleep made him feel slight relief: he was glad she was able to sleep because she needed it after all she had gone through.
Careful not to wake her up, he carried her to his bed and covered her with a blanket. For a moment he thought about taking off her still-wet clothes and normally he probably would have but now he decided it was better not to because he didn’t want to invade her privacy in any way at time like this. Instead he stroked her hair a few more times and grabbed a pillow and a blanket and settled on the couch, eventually falling into restless sleep.
***
Next morning he woke up to her exclamation as she jumped into a sitting position on his bed and looked around the room with panic in her eyes. He got up from the couch and hurried to her and put a calming hand on her shoulder.
“Tasha, shh, it’s okay” he said with a hoarse voice.
She looked at him and he watched as the panic in her eyes turned into pain again when she remembered everything. She looked around, this time to find escape from the things she was feeling. She saw the blanket and the pillow on the couch and mumbled:
“You didn’t have to sleep on the couch…”
“It’s okay. I wanted to give you space.”
She glanced at him quickly and then looked away again.
“Thank you.”
Reade smiled a little. Then he looked at her clothes and said:
“Your clothes are still wet. Take a shower and I’ll make you some breakfast.”
She shook her head.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Please, Tasha. You need to eat.”
She looked at him but didn’t say anything.
“Just let me take care of you. Please.”
She slowly nodded and Reade cupped her cheek into his hand for a few seconds before walking over to a closet to get her a towel and one of his hoodies.
“This will do until your clothes are dry.”
She took them and mumbled her thanks. When she got up, her face suddenly twisted and she closed her eyes with one hand on her lower stomach.
“Are you okay? Are you hurting?” he asked voice full of worry.
“I’m okay” she finally said and disappeared into the bathroom.
Reade headed to the kitchen to make breakfast for them. He was deep in his thoughts as he prepared the toasts and peeled some fruits and set them all on plates and poured some coffee for Tasha. He didn’t hear her when she came out of the bathroom and tiptoed to the kitchen and he jumped a little when he heard a bar stool squeak as she sat down. He turned around and found her sitting there, hugging her knees and staring into nothingness.
“Are you feeling any better?” he asked and immediately wished he could take it back. What a stupid question…
She shrugged.
He set a plate and a cup of coffee in front of her but she didn’t even look at them.
“Eat something. Or if you’d like something else I can go and get it for you. Just, please… eat something.”
She remained still for a moment. Then she glanced at her plate and hesitantly grabbed a piece of apple and took a small bite. They were both silent for a while. Then she suddenly said:
“I saw it.”
Reade blinked.
“What do you mean?”
“I saw it. When it… When it came out.”
She looked like she wanted to cry but tears didn’t come.
“It was so small…”
Reade just stared at her. He didn’t know what to say and he felt grief pressing his chest.
“It was never gonna make it. That’s what they said at the hospital. That there was probably something wrong with it… It never had a chance…”
She closed her eyes briefly and wiped away a single tear that escaped her eye.
“I don’t even know why I’m feeling like this.”
“Because you’re human and it’s natural to mourn the loss of a baby” he said trying to sound comforting but his voice was thick and the words barely came out.
She finally looked at him.
“The thought that if I hadn’t… miscarried” she had to force the word out of her and her voice was barely louder than a whisper “Any day now, I would have found out that I was pregnant. And the thought of having a child… It terrifies me. I don’t know what I would have done. I don’t know how I could have done it… I wouldn’t have wanted things to go this way but I’m not sure if I could have ever been a… a mother.”
Reade frowned.
“’You’? Are you forgetting about me?”
She looked at him with a confused look on her face.
“You’re talking like you would have been all alone with it. Tasha, do you really think I would have left you alone with it? I take responsibility. Had that child lived, I would have wanted to be part of its life. I could have been a father to it.”
He walked around the table to stand in front of her.
“You know that I love you and I wanted you to stay. You’re the one who left. I’m not blaming you for it, don’t get me wrong, I think you did what you thought was right. I just want you to understand that I wanted to be with you and that hasn’t changed. I love you and I would have loved that baby too. You’re not alone, Tasha. You never were and you will never be. I’m always gonna be here for you, no matter what.”
She didn’t say anything. She just looked at him with a weird intensity in her eyes but her face was unreadable. Then she unwillingly glanced at the door and said:
“Maybe I should go… I shouldn’t have come here.”
“I’m glad you came. And if you think I’m gonna let you run off in that state of mind you’re wrong.”
Then that look appeared on her face. He knew that face too well: she wanted to run. That’s what she always did when she didn’t want to face something, and that ‘something’ was usually her problems or feelings. She would always stick her neck out for others and help them with their problems rather than facing hers. But this time he had to find a way to make her stay, to make her face this or it would slowly eat her up on the inside.
Suddenly he realized he was in her space so he took a step back. She clearly needed her space right now and the last thing he wanted was to scare her off.
He sat down on another bar stool so that he was out of her personal space but still close enough to let her know that he wasn’t going to let this go. That he wasn’t going to let her go without finishing this and making sure she was okay.
“Look…” he started, not knowing how to express his thoughts the right way. “You don’t need to go. You can stay here for as long as you want. I just wanna make sure you’re okay, that’s all. I mean as okay as you can be… And I promise you, we’ll get through this eventually.”
“’We’ll get through this’? How can you say that? Do you have any idea what I went through yesterday? Do you have any idea what it’s like to suddenly have a pool of blood and a small, 12-week fetus on your bathroom floor, a baby you didn’t even know you were expecting, and all you can do is watch and try to comprehend what’s going on? You have no idea what it’s like. You have no idea…”
She broke down in tears and looked at him with so much pain in her eyes it made his heart ache. She leaned her forehead on her knees and sobbed hopelessly.
“It was so small… But it already had arms and legs and a nose…”
She spoke quietly and he wasn’t even sure if she was talking to him anymore.
Once again he felt helpless. He didn’t know what to do or say.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I should have been there with you.”
He hesitantly touched her arm, half expecting her to flinch away but she sat still. Then she looked up again with tear-filled eyes and said:
“I’m sorry. I just…”
“You don’t need to apologize. For anything.”
“I do. I’m sorry I left the way I did” she said swallowing her tears. “And I’m sorry I took this out on you. I’m sorry…”
He couldn’t take it anymore. He got up and wrapped his arms around her and she hung onto him like he was her life support.
“It’s okay” he whispered. “It’s okay…”
“Did you mean it?” she asked suddenly.
“What?”
She hesitated.
“When you said you would never leave… Did you mean it?”
He pulled away slightly so that he could look her in the eye.
“There is nothing in this world that could ever make me leave your side.”
Her dark eyes glistened with tears and, though he still saw pain in them, there was also something new: there was a hint of hope. That’s when he knew that she was going to stay. This time she wasn’t going to run and eventually she would be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually. They would both be okay. And he would be there for her all the way through the long road she would have to walk to get back on track.
And maybe someday, when they were both ready, they could find the place and the time to try again.