Chapter Text
"Stay away from me! Leave me alone! I'm just a sick fuck that wants to touch his brother! Let me die!"
I'm screaming at him, the last person I wanted to catch me in the act. I'm trying to warn him to get away from me, to spare himself, and trying to save him from me by throwing myself off of this familiar cliff we're now both standing on the edge of.
He's maybe 10 feet away. He could pull me back if I just reached out for him...
"What are you saying?! Let's go home and talk this out properly!"
"I'm not going home! Not anymore..."
"Ichimatsu!"
But it's too late for that...I can't bring myself to touch him- I can't allow myself to.
I've already decided that it's better to die with these feelings than taint Karamatsu with them.
I lean into the free fall.
"Goodbye...Karamatsu-niisan."
Why am I crying, now of all times?
My eyes widen when I see him run and reach out to me as I fall. He jumps off the cliff face I had just tipped myself off of and grabs onto me when we collide.
"I love you, Ichimatsu."
When he says that he becomes the weight pulling me down, his back turning to face the rocks rapidly approaching from below us.
He must've known there wasn't time to say much more.
Our fall breaks, abruptly and forcefully. What has broken our fall is Karamatsu's body being stopped by the rock piercing through it.
I hear a cough and sputter and can feel something wet on my face, but I can't register what's in front of me. My eyes are too blurry and I'm not sure I would believe what I see anyway.
Is this person holding me Karamatsu? It can't be. That shouldn't be possible. That wasn't part of my plan. Surely this is someone else...
'Karamatsu's' death-grip on me loosens, all too suddenly it loses strength and I tumble away from the body.
I realize that this is reality.
"Karamatsu!"
I fall into the water, I think my head may have hit something, but I can't feel any pain through my panic.
I throw my head above the water, doing my best to swim against the current back to where Karamatsu is.
"Karamatsu!"
I manage to grab hold of the rock he landed on, and it takes all of my effort not to get swept away.
"Karamatsu!"
He's not responding.
There's blood.
He's pale.
His head is tilted this way.
"Karamatsu?"
His eyes are empty.
I reach out to him, all too late.
The heat's leaving his body.
Reality registers in my mind.
"KARAMATSU!"
I lose my grip on his hand and the rock and get pulled away by the current.
"KARAMATSU!!"
I reach out for him, but I can't reach him. Not anymore.
My head gets pushed underwater, and I don't fight the current anymore.
I'm so tired...I want this all to be a bad dream...so I go to sleep to wake up.
...
-----
It's been two years since Karamatsu's death and Ichimatsu's disappearance. They found Ichimatsu's body one year later, the year Choromatsu was diagnosed to be terminally ill. It seems the current had carried his body pretty far out. I've been on antidepressants for about a year and a half. Choromatsu doesn't have much time left.
He wants me to take him out of the hospital.
"Osomatsu-niisan...I want to go home..."
"Choro.."
"I want to go out to Chibita's with the others."
"Choromatsu it's not the same-"
"I want to go home! Please..."
He's crying, pleading with me.
"Take me out of here...take me home Osomatsu. Let me be with you outside of this damned bed...! Please..."
How can I refuse the person I love on their deathbed?
I sneak him out once night falls, I took my dose and then some an hour before.
I carry him on my back out. At first he wrapped his arms around my shoulders with what strength he had.
He feels so light, but so heavy.
He's not moving.
I can't hear him breathing.
"We're halfway home Choro...just wait a little bit longer.."
No response.
"Choro? Are you tired?"
...
I lean down and set him down against a wall.
"Choromatsu?"
I run my thumb across his cheek.
He feels colder than usual.
"Choromatsu..."
I feel something wet on my face, I knew this was going to happen, and I knew I should've left him in his bed, I break.
I don't notice I'm crying. I'm silent, it's passive and noiseless. The noise of the world has ceased as well. Everything's empty. I'm empty.
I see a bright light, though... It's so bright. It almost looks like a person, the shape of the light.
Maybe it's an angel? Has it come for Choromatsu?
"You can't take him!"
I start running towards the light, pulling my fist back.
"I won't let you take him-!"
Noise. Loud. Blaring.
The air is knocked out of me, and I can see now that the light was the headlights of a car.
I hit and roll off of something.
It hurts, the numbing from the antidepressants doesn't reach this kind of pain.
I land hard on my side and roll further out onto the asphalt, and I stop.
My sides must be in pain, but...
The shock kicks in, I can see my arm laying next to me.
It's all cut up. There's a pool of red stuff that's getting bigger...
Oh, that's blood.
I don't want to wake up after this shock wares off.
Someone's yelling.
It's so far away...
There's nothing left that's worth staying for here.
I can feel tears mixed with blood on my face.
Life is too tiring, I want to sleep...
And never wake up.
...
-----
"We'll meet you at the grave later, then."
"Mom!"
"Dad!"
"We're coming with you."
Dad nods, letting us into the back of the truck.
We ride in silence to the crematory with two coffins tied up in the bed of the truck.
We're all too familiar with this scenario.
"Dad! Watch out!"
All I see is the blinding light of headlights.