Chapter Text
By the time she was ten, she'd been called a lesbian enough times for the word to lose all meaning. It didn't mean "woman who likes other women" anymore. At least, not to her. By the time she was in her teens, lesbian was just a word meant to hurt her.
She understood why they said it, though. She kept her hair short, and she could beat up all the boys. Her mom always said that they were just afraid of her, and that it would be okay if she did like other girls that way. Her parents loved her.
When she was 16, she found out that she was straight. It was a relief, but also a bit disappointing. None of the guys she knew wanted girlfriends who had more muscle than they did. Who could field strip a Sig Saur in nine seconds, reassemble it in twenty two. Her father had taught her, in the brief time he was home between tours.
"To protect yourself from those boys who won't take no for an answer," he'd said. She'd enjoyed herself too much to tell him that there was nothing to protect, no one to protect herself from.
It stopped mattering when she joined the army. Almost all the the other women had short hair and a mean right hook. She felt like she finally belonged. Until the boys down at Langley had made their offer, and she made her choice.
In the CIA, after she met Kara, Joan only remembered that she was actually straight when Kara kissed her, hard, after their first kill as a team.
"I should call you John, instead of Joan, Reese" Kara would say as she pulled Reese's hair, as Reese ate her out. Joan would remember her short hair, her too serious face, and tell herself that it still didn't hurt.