Chapter Text
“So... Yesterday I went to a party and met someone… I mean, I’ve seen him before, thought he was cute, but just that, but yesterday I’ve met him, you know. We chatted a little one on one, but mostly as a group – there were like, fifteen of us – so there wasn’t much room for small talk, just big, group talk. But I watched him, I tried not to stare too much, but I wanted to look at him, at his smile. It’s a sort of stubborn smile, one that doesn’t leave his face, it’s always there, at the corner of his lips, kinda shy, very cute. And I wanted to steal as many looks as I could, cause, well, I don’t know if there’s an explanation better than I wanted to , so I did, I tried to catch him when he was talking, and… Somehow I feel like he was doing the same, sometimes? In a lot of moments, when I batted an eye at him, I saw him avert his own eyes, I saw him flinch and turn his face away…
“It’s kind of wishful thinking, I guess. Did he really look at me as much as I looked at him? Or was he just being himself, looking here and there, and I just happened to catch him looking at me because I looked at him so much I was bound to? And what I saw in his eyes, in his swift stares, was that really… Something? I mean, was it the same interest that I have? You could say ‘Oh, maybe you had something on your face, like parsley on your teeth’, yeah, I thought of that myself a few hundred times, so I checked and no, my face was fine. But that’s what bothers me so much about this, you see? I’m on that place, I’m far away, looking, wondering, expecting… That’s not me. Not me.
“My friends advised me to follow him on social media, like his pictures, comment on them, even call him on a chat. I don’t like that, this passive aggressive way of making yourself noticeable. It doesn’t work, it’s not me. Actually, I don’t think it is anyone, which is why it doesn’t work. We don’t learn anything about a person by learning they hearted our pictures on Instagram, except that, well, they hearted our pictures on Instagram. That’s not much. No, that’s nothing. And it bothers me precisely because of that. If I want people to like me, I have to show them who I am, what I like, what I do, you know? I want them to see me living my life, doing my thing, being myself. And yeah, you might say I could ‘talk to him on facebook’ or something, that could show a little more me than just quietly watching him do stuff while I lovingly like it from a safe distance, but how could I do that? There is no real reason between us two to start a conversation yet, except I want to. But that doesn’t hold up as one might think. I believe that people finding this, this reason to talk to each other, that this is how things really start off. After that, you just be yourself and let it be known. If they like what they learn, great, let’s get along; if they don’t like it, then well, tough, nobody has to. I’m good a dealing with that. I’m good at being myself and at dealing with what happens when that isn’t enough. Which is why I think when it comes to relationships I’m more of an aggressive aggressive kind of person.
“You see how that whole situation is upsetting me, then? Yeah, I don’t like being in this position of someone who can’t act . Or at least act meaningfully. It forces me to be passive, to wait, to hope, to expect. Makes me project things. I keep wondering how things will go when they happen, and then after that, and then after, and after, and after… But I’m not the admiring from afar, wishing we would eventually adopt a dog together kind of person. I would be more comfortable saying to someone’s face: ‘Hey, you and me, adopting that dog, what do you think?’ And I know why it bothers me so much. It always feels like setting up for disappointment, it’s like having a bunch of free time and deciding to spend it building a house of cards. You pay attention to every detail, place each card with so much care and thought, you forget to breathe, cause if you remember to, it crumbles. And that’s is the ultimate end of it all, because you can’t live without breathing, you can’t live without reality, so in the end of the day, all of that daydreaming is bound to be crushed and pile up in front of you in the oh so alluring form of disappointment. You know what’s another way of putting all this? Damn, I hate to say these words:
“It feels like I’m falling in love.
“The stupid chemicals. I feel that tingly feel in my stomach, the anxiety, the need to think and talk about the person. I feel stupid. That’s what I hate most of all. I feel out of control and stupid, dumb, like I’m a teenager and I don’t know how to deal with my own feelings and needs. It overwhelms me all the time. Not that I have felt like this a lot. Actually it was only once before, and in the spirit of experiencing things, I let it take over me. I tried to live in the moment back then, which I’ll always regret and never do again. At least not when I’m like this. Now I have you. I can throw everything up on you and hope to make some sense of it all. It’s not that I don’t want to experience falling in love again, it’s just… I’d appreciate the ride a little more if I could just be… Cool about it. But instead I’m like this. I can’t help but think I’m dumb. Do you realize last night I spent the entire ride back home wondering about how it would be like to have a relationship with him? Can you believe it? Cause I can’t. I gave myself some credit cause I had a lot of wine, but then this morning I woke up with goddamn butterflies in my stomach and went to check my phone for something, and I saw all the messages and notifications, checked them all, but the goddamn butterflies were still having a party in me and I didn’t know really why. Until I realized. I was looking for him. I wanted to have a message or notification about him on my phone.
“I didn’t, though. And it crushed me – is that why we call it a crush? Anyway. Looking at my phone and not seeing a sign of him hurt me a little. How ridiculous is that? Our phones are a good metaphor for our lives, usually what we do and who we do it with are there, so it’s a little proof of what makes up our day-to-day. This means I wanted him on my life, I wanted him on my day-to-day. It hurt me that this guy I only met last night isn’t a part of my life. How crazy is that?
“Yeah, I am in love, it seems. No denying it. I’ve learned denial only makes it harder, it’s only another nice layer of illusion. I’ll admit it then. I’m kind of in love with Lance. A guy I barely know. I’ve met him yesterday. Shit. What do I do? I know you won’t tell me… So, what’s this gonna cost?”
Keith sighed and waited for a while.
“It’ll all cost you only how much you’re willing to pay,” said the psychoanalyst.