Archive of Our Own

As you already know, I've dated plenty of models before we met. But you were the first one who's ever stuffed his face in front of me. 

"What are you looking at? Never seen a handsome model eating like a pig before?" You asked, mouth full of tteokbokki. It was a rhetorical question but I shook my head in answer anyway. You swallowed the food, laughed, and it was the most melodious thing I've ever heard. "Well, now you have," you teased with a grin on your face. My heart sped up a little. 

Remember that time I took you to see Sakura in Tokyo to celebrate our 3rd month together? The light pink petals complimented your pale skin and blonde hair. You looked so beautiful, almost angelic. I took dozens of pictures of you that day and I still have all of them, they're precious to me. I'm sure I saw a few people make double-takes to look at you, I would have too. I kissed you underneath a shady tree, you had petals in your hair and a flush on your cheeks, and you tasted of the sauce from the takoyaki we shared. That day, you were so overwhelmed by how beautiful the flowers were and you made me promise to take you back to see them every year. Of course, I didn't hesitate to agree and it became a tradition for us. 

I think it was from that day on that I could no longer picture my future without you in it, I didn't need to either because I didn't intend on every letting you go. 

My family loved you. They said you brought out the best in me and that you made me smile more. They were happy to have you around and my mum loved having you help out in the kitchen. "Being a CEO is lonely," my father had told me before I took over the company, "so find someone to stay by your side." 

It was something that I thought of constantly but never had enough motivation to really look for someone. The models I dated before you? All just flings and nothing serious. I thought models were career-obsessed and most of them dated me because I was Choi Seungcheol, the hotshot CEO of SVT. You were different though. When Jihoon first introduced us, you had never even heard of me and could be less interested in my position. I was surprised to say the least but I thought it would be interesting to date you so I pursued.

From flowers to expensive gifts, I tried it all and I thought I was doing something wrong because you weren't responding. That was until you texted me saying 'Enough with the gifts, just take me out for food'. Needless to say, I was beyond surprised when I read your text but it made me laugh. I had my secretary make reservations at the most expensive restaurant in Seoul. If food was the way to your heart then I'd let you taste the best. I was all confident about winning you over on the night of our date until I noticed you looking uncomfortable. 

"I'm just not used to these kinds of places," you replied when I asked you what was wrong. "I thought you'd just take me out for barbecue or something." 

Once again, I was surprised. Food certainly was the way to your heart, that's for sure, but I learned on that night that it didn't have to be the best. So for dessert, I took you to a bingsu place Jihoon said you'd been meaning to try out. You loved it and it made me feel proud of myself to think of calling Jihoon and asking him for advice, but of course, you don't know I did that. Or maybe you do because you somehow find out everything which makes it so much harder to surprise you. But you, Yoon Jeonghan, never ceased to surprise me. You surprised me when you let me hold your hand on the first date and you surprised me when you leaned in first to kiss me. 

Do you wanna know when I first realised I loved you? When you looked at me with your mouth full of tteokbokki and I was half shocked and half trying not to burst out laughing. God, you looked adorable. Jeonghan, you're one of the realest people I know which I appreciate so much because everyone wants to be my friend just gain power. You never held back with me, always gave it to me straight and never sugarcoated your words. It was something that I loved so much about you. I loved you so much, Jeonghan. So much. 

It's so painful to be sitting here and writing this letter that I know will never reach you. I'm only writing it because Jihoon forced me to as a form of an emotional outlet. 

Let me tell you how it felt when your mother called me to tell me that you got into a car accident and was being rushed to the hospital. She was crying, her voice unstable as she begged me to fly back. I was in Japan for business at the time and even if your mother hadn't asked, I would have flown back anyways. I booked the first flight I found and informed my secretary to cancel all my plans for the next few days before my brain finally started to process what was going on. I cried, because I was scared and because I couldn't imagine what would happen if I were to lose you. 

I cried the whole ride to the airport but my chauffeur knew not to ask. On the plane, I just slept. I slept praying that I would wake up and it would all just be a bad dream. But it really wasn't. My body moved on its own accord, getting my luggage and making its way to the hospital you were in. During the ride, Jihoon and Joshua had taken turns in keeping me informed about your current state. By the time I got to the hospital, everyone was a mess. Crying and sobbing, completely exhausted from the hours of worrying. 

"C-Cheol, they don't think he's going to make it," Joshua informed me, voice shaky and eyes puffy. 

I wanted to pretend he hadn't just said what he did but it was the reality of the situation. I prayed, I prayed to every single god and every single deity out there that you would be fine. I held your sister as she broke down a dozen times before eventually falling asleep in my arms leaving my shirt soaked with tears. As hard as I tried to, I couldn't sleep. Anxiety was keeping me awake and I knew I wanted to be awake when the doctor came out from surgery. 

When he finally did, I took one look at his grim expression and I knew. I knew that he was here to deliver bad news. He apologised and said they did everything they could but you were in a terrible condition after the accident and there was nothing they could have done to save you. Your mother screamed and your father cried, but all I felt was numb. 

Like I said, I couldn't imagine life without you anymore and I really didn't plan on having a future without you in it. Jeonghan, there's a ring sitting in my drawer and it's mocking me. I bought it a month before your accident and brought it with me every time we went out but I just never found the right time to propose. Now it's just sitting in the drawer of my nightstand collecting dust. I've thought about what I should do with it, maybe throw it in a river, but Jihoon said I should keep it in memory of you. It just pains me to look at it, Jeonghan, because it makes me think about the future I pictured for us. 

It's been three months since you left me and I work from home now because I can't bring myself to look at my employees and show them how weak I am. Plus being at home reminds me of you. This house is way too empty and too quiet without you but sometimes I can hear you cooking in the kitchen or singing it the shower and I wonder if you're still around, watching over me. You're probably screaming at me to move on so I'm glad I can't hear you. 

Jeonghan, I don't really know what life is going to be like without you and I'll probably move on from you someday but I'll never forget you. I love you so much, now and always. 

Forever yours,

Cheolie