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Daniel comes out as the victor.
And yet the only thing he feels is death. All he can see while being lifted out of the arena is the gushing blood of the last living being, pierced through the heart by his spear. All he can hear are cries of pain coming out from the other person’s mouth.
The Capitol procedures breeze through in a blur, with Daniel being ushered left and right, coached on what to say, what not to say, though he mainly keeps his mouth shut; what to do and what not to do, though he mainly stares in a daze.
Daniel comes out as the victor.
But he’s pretty much dead inside, lights out of his eyes, mouth tasting like the blood that spluttered from the dead ally that tried to kill him.
And finally – finally – Daniel is delivered back to his district.
There is no welcoming party, and no feast. The Victors’ Village is empty. Daniel is not a hero, he didn’t want it; not one in his district did.
His escort brings him to his door, and dismisses himself with a squeeze on Daniel’s shoulder.
As the white door opens, Daniel is welcomed with a tight hug and he feels a very, very, small part of himself return.
***
Dinner was by no means special. They used to not have anything and now they have a lot of things.
They have produce, fresh meat, and sacks of rice all waiting to be cooked for the both of them. But Seongwu decides their usual soup and bread will make for welcoming Daniel back alive. He is not the same – he will never be the same – but he is alive, nonetheless.
Seongwu longs to touch him and kiss him and pull him back from the dead. But he knows it will take time, to make him feel alive again.
Dinner was by no means special. Daniel barely touches the soup in front of him, only nibbles at the edges of the bread, and sips water from his glass. He is only looking at Seongwu, but he is also not.
Seongwu gently touches the hand firmly gripping the glass, and Daniel squirms sending the vessel flying, splashing water over the unfamiliar dinner table.
“I’m – I’m sorry,” Daniel croaks, hands fumbling over the dinner table, eyes darting to Seongwu as realization slowly hits and he almost cries. “Hyung-”
“It’s alright, Niel,” the older speaks gently. “It’s alright.”
Seongwu does not know what Daniel went through. The pain of seeing Daniel get hurt and almost die in that hell-hole was very little compared to the pain of the physical combat in the arena, the anguish of seeing his new-found friends die one after the other, and the loss of his sanity at the primal instinct to survive.
They are all unrelatable and yet Seongwu has made it his duty to put back the light in Daniel’s eyes, to put back the smile on his lips, to put back the warmth in his heart.
***
Placing the remaining glass on its rack, Seongwu glances over his shoulder and sees Daniel sitting on the couch, legs propped up, hugging his knees to his chest, looking outside the window.
Seongwu almost cries at the site, his heart shattering in pieces at the broken man he loves so deeply. The Daniel that he knows never sits still, always moving around, always finding something interesting and showing it off to Seongwu. Always thinking of something to say, of something to talk about, of something that will put all of Seongwu’s attention on him. But this Daniel is eerily quiet, figure hunched trying so hard to make himself as little as possible, eyes wide in anticipation of something that’s not going to come.
“Hey,” Seongwu calls out quietly. He stands in the doorway, waiting for Daniel to acknowledge his presence. When the victor looks at Seongwu, he nods and puts down his legs, scoots to the edge of the couch, and looks at the older man with those empty eyes.
Seongwu smiles at him, takes the seat and waits.
Daniel does it first, he leans his head on Seongwu’s shoulders, and eventually rests his head on Seongwu’s lap.
Daniel doesn’t cry, but his eyes are wet with hot tears.
Seongwu has to remain strong, for both of them: for Daniel’s sanity and for the broken pieces of his heart.
Seongwu gently lays a finger on Daniel’s hair, then two, then three, and eventually his hand is patting Daniel’s head – he needs to calm his beloved boy, and this is the only way he knows how.
“Niel-ah, you should get some sleep,” Seongwu whispers. “D’you want to move to the bed?”
Daniel shakes his head no, instead he slowly gets up and stands closer to the window, pressing his face to the cold glass. There was nothing to see from there, just the rows of houses built for Victors. Seongwu knows they were the only occupants of the village at the moment, so there’s nothing interesting to see.
Seongwu follows. Daniel’s broad shoulders are tense, and Seongwu’s glad they began to ease when he slowly wraps his arms around the bigger man’s waist, resting his head on Daniel’s shoulder.
***
Seongwu has known Daniel since they were young, about nine or ten, both orphans left to their own when their district crossed the capitol. Being the one older, Seongwu made it his responsibility to protect the younger boy, never letting him out of his sight.
They were best friends before they were lovers.
Seongwu remembers it was a cold winter morning, a cup of hot water in his hand to start a rather ordinary day. The sun was just beginning to rise, and Seongwu was watching it from their small room’s window.
“Seongwu,” Daniel had said and slowly, he was enveloped in a warm hug. “Seongwu,” he repeats.
“Hmm?”
“I think - no - I know - I love you.”
There was the familiar beat of Seongwu’s heart, the one that thrums whenever he sees Daniel, the one that tells him -
“I love you too, Niel.”
If Seongwu had a choice to skip work that morning, he would have done it just to bask in Daniel’s kisses. His bestfriend’s plump lips were soft against his, and they fit perfectly and right at all angles.
The kisses that Daniel peppers his cheeks and neck were enough to make his knees go weak and he just want to throw his cup to the side and pull Daniel closer, press him more against his body, bask in the heat against that cold winter morning.
But they have to go back to reality, to Seongwu’s work at the vineyard and Daniel’s errands and deliveries in town.
***
They’ve stood side by side through their reapings. But it was on that one day where Daniel was standing on his own that he was called and was offered as a tribute to Panem’s hideous Games.
They never properly said goodbye to each other, but Daniel made Seongwu promise that the older boy should find happiness on his own. There was no way Seongwu can find that happiness, not with knowing Daniel went in the Games, not with the nagging feeling that Daniel will die at any moment given the circumstances, not with continuing to live without the love of his life. There was no way he could live another day without this man, Seongwu knew that much.
He was only grateful that his Daniel returned.
“I love you, Niel,” Seongwu whispers to Daniel’s ears, and the younger boy tenses first then relaxes.
Seongwu reaches to kiss Daniel’s temple, like he would all those years ago. A familiar gesture of comfort and assurance that means I’m here, I’m here, I’m never leaving you.
***
Seongwu leads them to the unfamiliar bedroom, pulling the covers and letting Daniel go under the blankets. The younger man, however, doesn’t let his hands go and it was the cue for Seongwu to follow.
“Hyung…” Daniel starts quietly, just as Seongwu found a comfortable spot on the bed.
“Hmmm…?”
“Don’t leave me?”
“I’ll never.”
It is an unfamiliar house, an unfamiliar room, with an unfamiliar bed. But cliche aside, Seongwu thinks, anywhere is home with Daniel.
***
It was a small cabin at the edge of city, just where the dirt road meets the cliff and the horizon. They both loved it and as soon as they finished moving what little things they have, they knew they’ll keep the place for a very long time.
“I told you,” Daniel starts as he rolls out the cushion in the room they decided to be their shared bedroom. “The rent is worth it. When the sun comes up tomorrow morning, you’ll think this is actually a steal.”
“I never said anything,” Seongwu shrugs as he pulls out another cushion and rolls it beside Daniel’s. “I just said that it’s far from your work.”
“Ehhhh - I don’t mind, you’ll like it here and it’s near the vineyard,” the younger lad pulls Seongwu’s cushion right beside his, and dives under the covers shivering from the cold.
“Do you need me to close the window?”
“No, leave it open so we can see the best sunrise yet.”
“We can just open it again tomorrow, I leave before sunrise anyway - hey-”
Daniel pulls at Seongwu’s arm and tucks the older under the covers with him. Wrapping Seongwu in his arms, Daniel traps him with his long and heavy leg. He finishes with his head right at the crook where Seongwu’s neck meets his shoulders.
“The vineyard is literally a stone’s throw away, you can leave well after sunrise,” hot breath tingling his sensations, Seongwu can’t help but laugh away the dangerous beats of his heart, and the seemingly heavy ball that dropped at the pit of his stomach.
“Alright, alright, now go to -”
But Daniel’s even breathing tells Seongwu the other boy has already fallen asleep. The gentle hands that were toughened by manual labor in town, the strong legs that were exhausted by miles and miles of walking and running, the boyish looks that never seemed to grow old. All of these Seongwu does not want to lose, all of these Seongwu wants to keep with him forever, in this new house - their new home - where the sunrise is the best, where he can hug his Daniel to sleep. Seongwu places a kiss on the younger man’s forehead just before the day’s work has taken over him to sleep.
***
Daniel tosses and turns in his sleep. Seongwu assumes it has taken him more than an hour before his breathing evens out into sleep, but no more than fifteen minutes later, Daniel is groaning, mumbling, and breaking into cold sweat. Eventually, Seongwu gives up the shut eye in favor of murmuring comfort to Daniel’s ears.
“No matter what happens,” Seongwu whispers as Daniel stirs but remains asleep. “I will never leave your side.”
It is not hard to promise the world to Daniel. Seongwu is more than willing to give him everything, not only because that’s all he’s been doing since the day they met, but also because that’s the only thing Seongwu is willing to do until his last breath.
“I will not die before you, Niel, I promise,” Seongwu doesn’t know that, but he will do everything he can to outlive Daniel. This man who has seen more death in this lifetime than any decent person does not deserve any more pain and loneliness, and Seongwu is going to make sure he’ll only have happiness in the days to come.
“Seongwu hyung,” the other mumbles, “are you crying?”
“No Niel, shush, go back to sleep, yeah?”
“Don’t leave?”
“I’ll never.”
***
The rays of the sun start to peep through the drawn curtains and that’s when Seongwu knew another morning has come. Some time ago, Daniel has stopped moving and has wrapped his arms around Seongwu’s waist, breathing evenly in his sleep.
The rays of the sun stat to peep through the drawn curtains and just like so many nights before everything has happened, it was just him and Daniel, and a peaceful night getting by ready to welcome another morning.
Things will go back to the way they used to be. And despite everything, things will be better.
Seongwu is sure.