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It's late, it's past 9 in the evening and Sho's not home yet. A normal thing on a weekday night, but lately he gets late even on weekends like tonight and Nino is kind of sick of it.
He likes indeed to spend time at home with his games, but who likes to be alone so much even though they're in a relationship. Not even Nino himself.
He feels suffocated, listening to the tick-tock of the wall clock as he plays games on his DS on mute. He loses the game soon and throws the device down on the couch as he goes to open the window. A pointless thing as he knows himself that the feeling of suffocation is not because of lack of air, but because of loneliness.
He goes back to look at his phone and sees it's half past 9 now. Sho must have finished with his work at the tv station over an hour ago, but things had probably dragged on again as Sho would always excuse himself.
Sho had always been a successful man. In university he got the best grades and graduated with flying marks and now he works as a news announcer, and an MC on other tv programs. Nino is proud of him, but sometimes he hopes his boyfriend has enough time to spend with him too.
Instead, even though in his thirties, Nino still tries out various things in his life. He is now a collumnist for a not so well-known magazine, but he still tries out for every opportunity of playing in every place that he can find. His life had always been music after all.
In the end, that night, Nino falls asleep on the couch alone and cold. He wakes up the next morning with a blanket thrown over him and Sho making toast in the kitchen. He walks there sleepy still, to find Sho in his suit and ready to go to work.
"I'll be late tonight too, but Monday I have a day off. Want to do something together? " Sho asks smiling like everything is fine.
Nino looks at him with his meanest gaze taking the cup of coffee to his lips.
Sho puts on his shoes. "So? " he asks.
"Sure! " Nino answers, resigned. He knows that if Sho has asked him to go out together is because he is sorry. It's just that he can't say it in words.
*
Nino spends his day working at home, writing his article for the magazine and then goes out to meet his best friend, Aiba Masaki, an elementary school teacher.
"So you think he's cheating on you? " Aiba asks as scandalized as excited.
"Shut up! Of course not, it's just the middle age crisis of salarymen " Nino laughs.
"Your not even a middle age salaryman. " Aiba laughs with him.
"I'm not, but Sho is. " Nino smirks.
"So what do you intend to do about it? Wait for him to get to his retirement age? " Aiba asks slurping his ramen.
"I don't know yet.... " Nino replies half-heartedly.
"You'll just do nothing but keep it in. I know you. " Aiba scolds him and Nino starts feeling down again. Why has he become like this? He used to be a snarky independent brat. Now he's a scared, frustrated brat.
*
As they get out of the shop and arrive at Shinjuku station, someone attracts Nino's gaze just as he makes to get into the station. Right there outside there's a man slouched over a big sketchbook, his back leaning on the station wall. He's sure he's seen that particular slouch and those sleepy eyes somewhere before.
Aiba looks at him perplexed as he goes over to the sketching man.
"Ohno Satoshi? " Nino asks unbelieving his own eyes as the man raises his head and looks directly at Nino.
Nino can see the moment Ohno recognizes him, his smile blooming on his face and his eyes crinkling softly at the corners.
"Nino! " Ohno says in his melodious voice, that gives away his happiness at seeing Nino again.
Nino laughs nodding his head still quite taken by surprise by the unexpected reunion. He and Ohno had been inseparable at school, at least until Ohno had graduated and went to an American university with a scholarship, leaving Nino with an extra two years of dealing with bullies and loneliness.
"When have you gotten back to Japan? " Nino asks as Ohno puts his sketchbook in his bag and comes closer to Nino inspecting him closely.
"A year ago. " Ohno says smiling. "You haven't changed at all. The same skinny, 17 year old brat. "
"Really? " Nino laughs. "You look like an old man though. " he teases him.
Aiba comes behind him and pulls Nino out of his memories. He jerks visibly as he had completely forgotten about Aiba.
"Oh, Aiba. He's Ohno Satoshi. A friend from school. Haven't seen him in more than 10 years. " Nino explains and Ohno bows politetely. Aiba does the same as Nino introduces him.
"I really have to go. My wife's waiting for me, but you two can spend some time together to catch up, right? " Aiba suggests and Nino's chest tightens a little. There's no one waiting for him at home, and there'll be a long time before Sho comes back too. So he decides to ask Ohno to go for a drink as Aiba suggested. Ohno accepts immediately and eagerly.
*
"You know, I tried to look for you when I got back, but with no clues it was kind of impossible. " Ohno confesses after the third beer.
Nino doesn't really know how to take it, so he turns it into a joke even though Ohno clearly hadn't intended it like that.
"Really? after all that time? You must have missed me a lot. " he laughs.
"I did. I didn't forget you at all. " Ohno says seriously and Nino's laughter drops. He hides his embarrassment into his beer.
"Was it hard after I left? " Ohno continues and Nino knows he refers to the bullying.
"Not much. But being alone all the time was much worse. "
"I'm sorry, Nino! " Ohno says as he reaches out and takes Nino's hand. The touch feels so strange it makes Nino wince and he feels sorry when Ohno takes his hand back.
"It's ok. Let's remember the good times only. "
"Like when you kissed me in front of everyone? " Ohno laughed changing the subject.
"It was for the school play! " Nino defends himself going red.
It's good to be with Ohno again. Someone who knows him so well and who shared so much with him.
When they part Ohno gives him his number and asks Nino to call him anytime. Nino is delighted and calls him from the train just to laugh at Ohno.
When he gets home, Sho is there waiting for him on the living room couch looking ominous. That night they have their first fight in years just because Nino had come home late. Nino thinks all this is so unfair as he goes to sleep on Aiba's couch for the night.
*
"I don't want to go! " Ohno had said in a small voice on the roof, that day, his graduation day. The day Nino had seen him last.
*
He wakes up tired on Aiba's couch, his head going round and round with far away memories and thoughts about Sho.
He has known Sho since he finished university and had just started to get the gist of independence. He thought he was mature enough to get into a relationship with someone like Sho who liked to control his life by the minute. He liked it at first. Sho was smart, knew lots of things and showed him new places. Nino had never been very assertive either so being with Sho was easy as long as he'd let Sho choose what they should do.
But now.... it had started to get sickening.
Sho was always busy with work and the time they spent together was all scheduled by Sho according to his likes and dislikes. Even if they had a day together, Sho didn't like to stay at home and laze around, so Nino had to go with him or stay behind.
Staying behind at home when you haven't seen your boyfriend in two weeks seemed pointless, so Nino had to put up with gym and yakiniku after. It was a never ending circle of going along with whatever Sho would decide.
*
"Are you going to stay here all day? " Aiba asked when he came into the living room all dressed up for work. His wife had gone out a while ago, she worked as a secretary and had to be at work before her boss.
"No, I'm going home to change my clothes and then I have work. " Nino said getting up and going for Aiba's bathroom.
By the time he was out Aiba was already gone.
While he was in the train going for the small publishing house he received three mails from Sho, telling him how sorry he was and that he wanted to take Nino out and spend time together. A peace treaty, of course. That's how Sho would always do things.
His editor asks him to write a fashion article, from his male point of view, nothing fancy, she says and Nino tries to smile amiably, though he has no idea about fashion. He'll have to document about that and he hates researching.
His usual collumn is a lifestyle article he writes out of pure experience or on his hobbies. His latest subject was bullying. This gets him back to Ohno and memories of their childhood.
He thinks about Ohno's phone number in his phone agenda and struggles not to call him right then.
*
Nino goes home and sleeps the rest of the day until Sho calls him and asks him to dress up for a night of clubbing. Nino can't believe it. They haven't been clubbing in years, more than years, in ages Nino corrects himself. He obeys and puts on some fancy clothes he hadn't been wearing since he had bought them.
Sho waits for him in the car and gives him an approving look.
"You're in your suit! " Nino accuses.
"That's ok, I'm not trying to impress anyone. "
"And who am I trying to impress, you? " Nino says pouting and Sho laughs that booming laughter of his.
The club is full of people and Nino already feels like he's suffocating. He can't believe he used to do this all the time in the past. He's got old, he thinks vexed as he climbs out of the dance ring with Sho following.
Sho had dropped his suit jacket on a chair and folded up his sleeves. Only that and made him look suddenly more approachable.
When he heads to the counter to order some drinks he gets the surprise of finding Ohno ordering drinks as well.
"Nino! " Ohno lets out pleasantly surprised, his eyes opening a little wider in that chaming way of his when something catches his attention.
He's dressed in a black shirt with rolled up sleeves and a well-fitted pair of jeans and Nino thinks he's never seen anyone wear them so naturally. This, or he has a fetish for rolled-up sleeves.
"I can't believe you're in a club at your age. " Nino says still taking in details about Ohno.
"I'm not that old. " Ohno protests.
"Nino? " Sho comes behind him and Nino introduces them. He also doesn't misses the blank expression on Ohno's face, when he introduces Sho as his boyfriend. He has never been able to read that expression, but knows that Ohno puts it on, when he doesn't want to give himself away.
"Are you alone? Want to sit with us? " Nino asks, even though he knows Sho wouldn't like it.
"Oh, no, that's ok. I'm with a friend. " he says pointing at a table in the back. "It was nice meeting you, Nino, Sakurai-san. " he adds and goes away, leaving Nino looking a little dazed after him, and knowing he'll have to explain Sho who that had been.
*
The next day, at the cafe he's frequenting, Nino ends up writing an article about black shirts and rolled up sleeves. His editor loves it, tells him it's something all women can relate to, and that he should write more.
*
He goes home in the evening, buys a bento from the conbini and eats it alone at the kitchen table in complete silence. He's gotten so used to it now it's strange. His ears are ringing from such deep silence, but does nothing to disrupt it. Doesn't switch on the tv, his games, not even the lights. He ends up on the couch again looking out the window at the sunset view from the 15th floor.
*
"I'll kiss it better. " Ohno tells him and leans in to kiss his split lip and the cut on his eyebrow. "Don't you feel better now? " Ohno asks him with an angelic smile. "
*
Nino wakes up with a jerk, all wound up.
"Fuck! I ended up on the couch again. " he swears and heads to the bathroom.
Sho's nowhere to be seen, but that's nothing new. After a warm shower he finds Sho's traces in the kitchen where he left a mess. He'll call him later, Nino thinks to himself as he prepares more coffee.
All this dreams and thoughts about Ohno are making him go quite crazy and Nino decides to call him after spending his whole morning trying to refrain himself from it.
He dials nervously and waits for Ohno to pick up with his heart in his throat, even though he doesn't know why he feels like this.
Ohno picks up on te second ring and greets him with a cheerful 'Nino'. It makes Nino's nervousness dissipate.
"Oh-chan! Do you have some time tonight? "
"Do you have some time now? " Ohno asks laughing. "
*
Nino meets Ohno an hour later in front of an art gallery in Roppongi.
"What's this? " Nino asks as Ohno takes his hand and intertwines their fingers together in the most natural way possible. Just like back then, Nino thinks as he looks around.
"My exhibition. " Ohno says simply and Nino stops.
"Yours!? "
"You don't have to be this surprised. You already knew I was an artist, didn't you? " Ohno chuckles softly, his eyes crinkling at the corners and Nino is all charmed by this adult version of the Ohno he used to know.
"Un. "
Ohno lets go of his hand and lets him look around freely. He finds Nino in front of a blue piece after talking with his manager on the phone.
"This feels kind of familiar. " Nino says pointing at it.
Ohno laughs. "Is that so? " he says, but gives no kind of explanation about it and Nino looks at him put off.
*
They go for lunch and then end up in Hanazono shrine in Shinjuku without even noticing.
"We used to run away from school and come hide in here, didn't we? " Nino said reminiscing their school days.
Ohno just nodded, lost in his own thoughts.
Nino had enrolled in that middle school, because it was a school that went up to University and because his mother said it was the only good school in their area.
She had lied. It wasn't in their area, but in Shinjuku, and it took Nino an hour to go to and back from school. There wasn't anything good about it either. He had been bullied from the first day. There wasn't anything good until he found Ohno.
Well, more like Ohno had found him, beaten with his lip split and cuts on his face in the back of the soccer court. What was he doing there, Nino had never found out.
Ohno was in his last year of middle school and they had spent there about five years together until Ohno graduated from their high-school.
Ohno was somewhat of a rebel. He would run away from club activities, skip classes and even though he was punished he would do it all over again. He was a free spirit he had always said and he thought Nino was the same. That's why he had taken Nino would him on his escapades most of the time.
*
"So why did you ask me if i was free tonight? " Ohno asked when they were out on the streets again.
"Oh, yeah. I'm playing tonight at a live house. I wondered if you would want to come. " Nino says shily.
"I'd love to, but.... ''
"What? "
"What about your boyfriend? "
"Sho? He can't come... he's busy at work at least until midnight. "
"Oh, okay then. " Ohno says looking at him with that general blank look of his.
Nino is puzzled. Though he suspects Ohno doesn't like that he has a boyfriend. He smiles secretly to himself at the thought.
*
The live house is full again tonight. Nino sings solo, like always, he doesn't blend well with other people, so it'd just him and his guitar.
Ohno watches him from the front row, but he's undeniably thoughtful instead of animated. All around him people are cheering Nino's performance and he just stays there lost in thoughts, a stark distinction from the rest of the live house.
Nino climbs down from the stage and touches hus shoulder.
"Where have you been, old man? " Nino asks amused.
"Oh, sorry. I was just reminiscing that time when you played at the school festival. "
"Ah, that? " is all Nino says as he puts his guitar away and goes to the back to change his clothes. Ohno follows him closely, so closely he's about to step on Nino's feet and Nino's annoyed.
"Come here already! " he says taking Ohno's arm to bring them side by side.
While changing, Nino checks his phone, but there's nothing, no notifications whatsoever. Of course there's not, Sho ends work at 12 tonight. It's only half past 10.
He looks up and there's Ohno waiting patiently in the corner of the dressing room, his eyes on Nino. Nino smiles and takes his hand.
*
It's like time hasn't passed at all. Here he is with his Oh-chan wondering around the city just so that they won't go back to the loneliness of their homes. Just like back then, always running away from home.
"Have you been lonely? " Ohno asks all of a sudden, the light from the advertisements in front of the train station, painting Ohno's face in strident, colorful flashes.
Nino wants to say no. He has a boyfriend, and he has Aiba. But what gets out of his mouth is a whispered yes.
Ohno smiles the saddest smile Nino has ever seen and says: ''Me too.''
*
It's dark and cold on the beach at this time of the year. They stay cuddled together and Ohno takes his hands and looks carefully at the red marks on his wrists down to his fingers. Then his beautiful dark eyes sparkle up to him in a silent question.
Nino chuckles softly. He takes his hands back and looks at them. It's not big deal, his hands have never been beautiful and there's nothing damaged at least, nothing beside his guitar.
"My dad hit me with his belt over the legs, but instinctively I put my hands in front to defend myself. " Nino says still looking down.
Ohno takes them back and kisses them, his wrists, every one of his fingers.
"Better? " he asks then smiling proud of himself.
Nino can't help but laugh at Ohno's still childish attitude. Unfortunately, not everything can be kissed better.
*
When Nino wakes up it's dark and cold and his heart beats heavily in his chest. He forgot the air conditioner on again he thinks getting out of bed to switch it off.
He then goes to have a glass of water and finds Sho in the living room looking quite disheveled and smelling of alcohol and tobacco. He must have been with the staff to drink after finishing the program, Nino thinks.
He looks at the clock. It's only 2 in the morning, which means Sho must have just gotten home. He decides to leave him sleep and talk to him tomorrow.
*
"Sho, can we talk a little? " Nino asks as he gets in the kitchen.
"Sure, what's wrong? " Sho asks in a flat tone not taking his eyes off his newspaper.
"Don't you think we're drifting apart? " Nino tries not to show emotion either. If Sho can do it like that he can too.
"No, I don't. " Sho finally looks at him, his expression quite not happy. "Do you have someone else? " Sho asks then making Nino laugh ironically.
Why hasn't he thought about it before? Of course Sho would turn it back on him.
"No! It's just that we barely see each other, don't do anything together anymore. "
"What? but I took you to the club last week. " Sho says making Nino laugh again. At least he doesn't feel angry anymore.
"I know but I was thinking about seeing each other more often, daily.... ''
"Nino, you know I have work. I can't spare much time daily. I'm sorry, but you know I love you right? And once September comes I'll have a vacation and we can go anywhere you want. " Sho talks gently holding his hand over the kitchen table.
"Ohh, it's ten already? I have to hurry. Bye, have a nice day, Kazu! " Sho says after kissing him on the lips and running out the door.
Nino lets out a deep breath in relief. It could have been much worse he thinks as he pours himself a cup of coffee.
Sho had said he loves him, but is that true, or is it just a deep-seated routine?
*
Nino has no appointments whatsoever, but he's sick of staying at home wracking his brains over this week article that he should write, preferably sooner than later.
He has no choice, but to call Aiba to have lunch together.
*
"So he's not cheating on you. " Aiba says slurping his noodles.
"Seems so. " Nino says apathetic.
"Then you'll just have to resign to a life where you see him a couple of hours a day only or find someone else. "
"Hmmm.....''
"Hey, Aiba? Have you ever had dreams from your childhood? " Nino asks then a few moments later..
"Not quite, why? "
"No, nothing.... I was just wondering. It must be the stress. "
Aiba laughs. "Just go home and play some games, Nino. You'll feel better. "
"Idiot! " Nino laughs with him as they separate at the train station.
Instead of going home, Nino calls Ohno. The theme for his next article is art, and he knows nothing about it.
He knows he gives himself excuses, but he wants to see Ohno and it's better if he has an excuse for it.
*
"What is art? " Nino asks him as they drink coffee at a neighborhood kissaten near Ohno's apartment.
Ohno laughs, but it's clear he's not amused.
"Nothing for you to wrack your brain about. "
"But I have an article to write. "
"Well then, if you want to know that much.... art is pain, is suffering, is long lonely nights and one night stands. "
Ohno is bitter. Nino can see it in the fine wrinkles of his face.
Ohno smiles so gently and beatiful then, and touches Nino's jaw so softly.
"I've missed you. " he says and Nino's heart skips a beat.
*
After that day, Nino can't think about anything else. He eats lunch with Aiba, writes his articles and sleeps, most of the time alone, but he can't get out of his head the beautiful expression on Ohno's face that day.
He had wanted to tell him he loves him, has been in love with him for the past 15 years. Fortunately, he bit his tongue before it could betray him.
*
He hasn't seen Ohno in the past two weeks and something heavy has established itself in Nino's chest for the whole time.
He feels unbearably lonely and unwanted again, just as if he was a teenager all over again.
He gets up from his couch where he had spent the whole afternoon writing an essay for the magazine on teenagers nowadays and goes to the window.
He has no idea about kids these days, but it makes him reminisce lonely times shared with Ohno. They're all long gone now and Nino hates the desire of going back in time just to be with him again. Even though he has Sho now, but does he....?
Just like every other evening alone at home, he spends it looking out the balcony at the sunset hues.
*
He's running and running not watching where he's going, not seeing anything because of the tears that keep spilling out of his eyes.
It's late, dark and it's so cold. He run away in only his slippers and his feet are freezing, fortunately it's not raining.
He stops on the Rainbow Bridge and looks down. The sea is dark blue and completely still. How would it be if he were to throw himself off the bridge right now?
He takes out his phone, panting from running in the cold air, hands freezing around the device. He takes a photo and sends it to Ohno without even thinking about what he's doing.
And then he waits. Ohno is there in half an hour, the longest half an hour in his whole life. He looks at Nino with worried eyes panting from the exertion.
Nino looks back, face earnest. Ohno smiles then and leans closer, kisses Nino's red cheek where his father had slapped him, but Nino shakes his head. It's not what he needs, it's not where it hurts, he thinks as he puts a cold hand around Ohno's neck pulling him in a real kiss, a kiss on the mouth that Nino hopes would heal his broken soul. Ohno kisses back fervently as Nino's tears start rolling down his cheeks again.
*
"Nino! Nino! I'm home! " It's Sho's voice that wakes him up and Nino realizes he's been crying in his sleep.
Sho gets to the bedroom where Nino has been sleeping and throws himself on Nino letting out incoherent sounds that seem to be some kind of love words. Nino's taken aback by his sudden actions and tries to extract himself from under Sho.
"You're drunk, Sho! Let go of me! " he yells half histerical as Sho keeps his arm in a steel grip.
"I want you! " Sho slurps and Nino is sickened by it.
"Where have you been? I thought you were working. " he asks annoyed and put off by all this.
"Staff insisted we go to a girls bar. " Sho says a little more coherent now and Nino feels like throwing up.
"So what, you felt like raping me? " Nino says as he gets away from Sho.
Sho slaps him hard across his right cheek and says furious:
"You're my boyfriend! "
Nino has seen Sho mad a lot of times, he's the kind of man who gets mad from all the little things that don't go his way, but he's suddenly and incomprehensibly afraid now.
A tear falls down and he runs out the door of their bedroom and out the front door, Sho's loud booming voice screaming in his ears:
"Nino! Nino, come back here right now! Where do you think you're going! "
He doesn't turn back, running and running down the stairs, out of the building and out in the city.
He realizes now why he had felt afraid just now. Because it was just like back then, his father even said the same words: ''Come back here, where do you think you're going you piece of shit! "
*
He ends up in the same place too. Some things never change, he thinks as he looks down at his feet in only his slippers. At least it's summer now.
The sea is calm tonight too, and so blue. He takes out his smartphone and takes a picture. He sends it to Ohno quickly before he has the time to actually think, to change his mind.
Ohno is there in 10 minutes and Nino wonders why he is so fast, but doesn't ask anything as he looks earnestly directly into Ohno's eyes.
Ohno doesn't waver this time, he leans in, and kisses Nino's lips ardently, with a pent up passion of more than 10 years. Nino responds to the kiss and clings to the back of his shirt, a sole tear rolling down his cheek.
*
Ohno strokes Nino's still red cheek, slowly, tenderly with the back of his fingers.
"Why? " he asks.
"Don't make me say it, it's humiliating. " Nino says looking down and Ohno turns his head towards him, kisses him on his lips again, this time gentle and soft. Nino sighs into it.
"Stay with me... '' he hears himself saying in a whisper on Ohno's lips tears flooding his eyes, tumbling down one after another, breath hitching.
He's become a mess in just a few seconds and he knows why. It's because of Ohno, he's been missing him so much these long years, but didn't want to accept it himself. He knows now that he has been unhappy with Sho and that he can't keep lying anymore.
"This time forever... '' Ohno whispers back as he takes Nino in his arms and keeps him there secure.
"This time I'm never leaving you again. " he says into Nino's ear and Nino loses it.
He brokes into laughter. It's a happy one, a laughter out of complete and blissful contentment. Ohno always knows what Nino wants to hear, they've always been the same, free spirits.
Ohno laughs with him, because he understands, because they're finally where they belong. Because this time it doesn't have to be like back then.
They end up spending the night on the Odaiba beach enjoying the view and each others warmth.
*
Ohno takes Nino to his place, a modern, spacious apartment on the 10th floor of a new mansion in the center of the city.
Nino looks around bewildered at the glass wall living room.
"The light is good...'' Ohno says as he enters with two mugs of coffee. Even though his house is expensive, his mug is chipped Nino notices amused.
"I like this one. " Ohno adds smiling as he sees where Nino is looking.
Nino smiles back and takes the offered mug. He then goes unashamedly for a tour around the other rooms. And there on the bedroom wall Nino sees something familiar.
He takes out his phone and looks at the photo he sent Ohno that night. He smiles as he feels Ohno's lips on the nape of his neck.
The end.