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“Commander, ETA to Earth in two hours,” Joker’s voice, actually serious for once, announces over the comms. “I’ll let you know when we’re approaching the relay.”
Commander Terra Shepard nods before realizing that Joker can’t see her doing so. “Acknowledged, Joker,” she says. Shepard is standing in front of the galaxy map, examining the course they have plotted. After months of fighting and planning culminating at the events of Horizon, Shepard and the Alliance have finally taken the fight to the heart of Cerberus: Cronos Station, the main base of The Illusive Man. They had stormed the base, completely overwhelming the forces in there, resulting in the near-complete annihilation of the terrorist organization and retrieving Vendetta. And now, they are finally returning to Earth, having learned that the Catalyst which they had been looking for all this time turns out to be the Citadel, which the Reapers have brought to Earth.
Shepard’s grip on the railing of the command deck is so tight her knuckles are turning white, the thoughts tumbling around her mind filling her with an indescribable mix of emotions. We’re almost there, she tells herself, one step closer to finally ending the Reapers once and for all. She closes her eyes, taking a deep breath as she seeks to bring her emotions under control. As much as she tries, though, she is just too tense, unable to calm herself down. Traynor notices the tense posture of the Commander, prompting a worried inquiry from the dark-haired Specialist.
“Is… everything alright, Commander?” Traynor asks, her brows creased with concern. She understands just how difficult the past few months have been for the Commander. Tuchanka, Cerberus’ coup in the Citadel, Rannoch, Thessia, Traynor’s home planet of Horizon, and Cronos Station, the base of Cerberus. She has watched the Commander go all through those, and each time, it seems to her as if Shepard is slowly getting weighed down, as if each mission ages the Commander by a few years. She can only begin to imagine the massive burden placed on the Commander’s shoulders: the last hope of all life in the galaxy. A lone woman, expected by everyone in the galactic community to be the key to winning against the Reapers.
The Commander looks at Traynor, her bright green eyes piercing. “I’m fine, Traynor,” Shepard says, a small smile reaching her lips. “Just finding it hard to believe that after all this time, we’re finally returning to Earth to take the fight to the Reapers.”
“I understand, Commander,” Traynor answers, giving the Commander an encouraging smile. “And don’t worry, I know you’ll send the Reapers packing with their tails between their legs. Err… claws. Whichever.”
“Thanks, Traynor,” Shepard says before turning around and walking towards the elevator.
“Commander?” Traynor softly calls out just before Shepard steps inside the elevator. Shepard looks back, her eyebrows raised inquisitively. “I… just wanted to say that it’s been an honor to serve with you here on the Normandy,” Traynor says. “It’s been tough, and that’s one hell of an understatement, but I know you’ll see us through.” She takes a deep breath, a grateful smile on her face. “Thank you for letting a lab rat like me stay here.”
Shepard smiles back at Traynor. “We couldn’t have done a lot of this without you, Traynor,” she says, holding up a hand to forestall Traynor’s protests. “Thanks to you, we’ve saved all those students and Jack in Grissom Academy. Thanks to you, we’ve saved Jacob and all those scientists in Arrae. Hell, you’re the entire reason we managed to shut down Sanctuary in the first place. You did a damn good job, Traynor, and I’m lucky to have had you with me in this messed up ride of ours.” Traynor’s lips tremble, she manages to keep a formal expression as she salutes her Commander, her eyes brimming with tears. Shepard smiles a little more fully, returning the salute. “At ease, soldier,” the Commander says as she turns back to the elevator, the smile sliding off of her face as soon as her back is turned towards Traynor. She steps inside, evaluating whether to go to her quarters or somewhere else. Somehow, a nap before the assault doesn’t really sound like a good idea at the moment, so she presses the button to take her to Deck 3.
As the doors open, the view of the memorial wall immediately greets her, a long list of names on plaques of the fallen crew members of the Normandy SR-1 and SR-2 hung up on the wall. Shepard grimaces, casting her eyes down as soon as she reads the first name on the wall. Whose great idea was it to put the damn thing right in front of the elevator? she asks herself. A lump forms in her throat, yet she remains rooted in front of the memorial, unable to move as she looks back up, the names of her former crewmembers jumping at her. Ashley Williams. Charles Pressley. Legion. Mordin Solus. Richard Jenkins. All of them friends. All of them people she had learned to care for, people who had fought beside her. Dead. Her eyes move to the center of the wall, where a single name is hanging right underneath the Alliance symbol: Thane Krios.
The lump in Shepard’s throat somehow grows bigger, her hands balling into tight fists as she glares at the name, her eyes stinging with unshed tears. She reaches up, her fingers tracing the letters of Thane’s name, her mind remembering the feeling of the drell’s body. “We’re almost there, Thane,” she whispers, “almost there. Cerberus is finished, and Kai Leng got what he deserved.” She closes her eyes, remembering the moment when she finally buried her blade in the Cerberus assassin. “That was for Thane, you son of a bitch,” she’d said as she twisted the blade in Kai Leng’s gut. She sighs, clenching a fist; she’d thought getting rid of Leng would have given her some form of catharsis, some satisfaction in knowing that she’d avenged Thane. Instead all it’d left her with was a hollow feeling inside. Thane was still dead, and the Reapers were closer than ever to finishing their cycle.
She swallows, the dryness in her mouth making it difficult. “We’re returning to Earth, you know,” she says, her voice still in a low whisper. “Our work on the Crucible is done, and we’re about to take the fight to the Reapers.” She licks her lips, wanting more than anything to have her former lover next to her. “Really wish you were here with me, Thane. We could have given those Reaper bastards such a hard time they’d probably just run off as soon as the two of us show up.” She presses her palm onto Thane’s plaque, her eyes becoming tired and resigned. “And after this… after all this is done, maybe I can finally join you across the sea…”
“Shepard?”
She hears Liara’s voice behind her, and turns around to see the asari looking understandably worried. “Liara,” Shepard says, her voice heavy with the stress that has been accumulating since she was forced to leave Anderson back on Earth over six months ago.
“Are you okay, Shepard?” Liara asks, putting a hand over Shepard’s shoulder.
Shepard sighs in response. “You’re the second one to ask me that, Liara,” she looks back at Liara, a sad smile on her face. “And… honestly? No, I’m not. Just thinking about…” Her voice trails off as she looks back at the memorial wall.
“I… understand,” Liara says, staring at Thane’s name. She hasn’t really known the assassin long, but she’d come to respect him whenever she went to Huerta Memorial to visit Kaidan. “This… this is it, isn’t it, Shepard?” she asks, her voice heavy with doubt and fear, yet at the same time, a quiet determination.
“Yeah,” Shepard says, “this is it.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Liara says, standing beside Shepard as she reads through the memorial wall, remembering all the people she had met.
“How about ‘we’ve come a long way, haven’t we, Shepard’?” Shepard asks with the hint of a smile in her voice.
Liara feels herself smile, unable to help it. “Indeed we have,” she says. “After all that’s happened, I’m actually finding it hard to believe that the first time we’ve ever met was three years ago in Therum in that stupid Prothean trap.”
Shepard gives a low laugh, bumping shoulders with Liara. “Well, you’re definitely not the shaking, terrified, and naïve Prothean archeologist anymore,” she says teasingly.
Liara laughs as well, shaking her head as she leans against Shepard’s shoulder. “I may have grown a bit wiser these past few years,” she says, “but I am definitely terrified right now.” Her voice drops down to a whisper, her eyes clearly conveying her fear as she looks at Shepard.
Shepard smiles reassuringly, pulling the asari into a one-armed hug. “Whatever happens on Earth, Liara,” she says, “I have never been more sure of one thing: if it hadn’t been for you, or Tali, or Garrus, or everyone in the Normandy—both of them—I would never have been able to achieve anything.” Her voice almost wavers, but she manages to keep it steady, not wanting to break down in front of Liara.
“Flatterer,” Liara says, but she returns Shepard’s hug before pulling away. She looks at the Commander ruefully. “I have to get ready,” she says reluctantly. “I need to coordinate the remainder of my agents and have them prepared to help with the assault.” She starts to walk back to the XO’s office before remembering something. “By the way, Shepard,” she says, reaching out towards the Commander with her omni-tool activated. “I… I managed to retrieve these. They’re from… from Thane. He tried to send these to you while you were grounded by the Alliance, but he was never able to get them through.”
Shepard’s throat tightens, and she numbly reaches to activate her own omni-tool, downloading the data that Liara sent her. “Th-thank you, Liara,” she manages to croak out, before turning away and walking quickly towards the lounge, leaving Liara by the memorial wall, the asari looking at the Commander with sad eyes before she herself heads back to her quarters to finalize her preparations for the battle for Earth.
Just as she gets to the entrance of the lounge, Shepard stops, her hand on the controls. She looks to her left, looking at the entrance to life support. She takes her hand off of the controls for the lounge and instead opens the door to life support, walking inside. The dryness and heat of life support make her throat itch, but to Shepard, it is a comforting feeling, not an irritating one. It reminds her of… not better times, but times when she had been happier, times when she would be content just to sit in this room for hours on end. She looks around, almost expecting to see the numerous sniper rifles and SMGs meticulously displayed in neat lines. Shepard angrily wipes at her eyes with her forearm as tears threaten to leak out at the sight of the empty shelves.
She walks deeper inside the room, coming to the small alcove where Thane would spend his time when he was still in the Normandy. As she sees the edge of the desk, a small, foolish part within her hopes that when the chair hidden inside the alcove comes into view, she will see Thane there, sitting, waiting for her to sit across him and just… talk. She bites her lower lip, almost unable to see ahead of her as tears start to blur her vision again, which she once more wipes away.
Thane’s chair comes into view, and although Shepard knows that there is no way her lover would ever occupy the chair again, she still feels her chest tightening in pain at the sight of the empty chair. She slows down, running a hand across the desk as she sits down on her seat, across Thane’s. This seat is hers, where she would always sit down as she would talk for hours on end with Thane. She would go down here after every mission, spending so much time in life support with Thane that Joker had once jokingly asked if the captain’s quarters was free for the taking. Shepard chuckles a little at the memory, although her laughter dies almost immediately as she remembers Liara’s… gift.
She activates her ‘tool, looking at the messages that Thane had left her. There are at least a dozen different messages, all of them time stamped during her house arrest on Earth. Her hands clench as an old anger returns to her. Anger at the Alliance for blocking all of her messages, for cutting her off from everyone: her crew, her friends, her mother, and most importantly… her lover. She takes a deep breath and activates the first message, already anticipating Thane’s voice.
“Siha.” Thane’s voice and appearance cut right through Shepard, eliciting a small gasp from the Commander as she watches. He talks about moving into an apartment not too far from Kolyat, his son. “I think the first attack I had frightened Kolyat,” Thane says. Shepard’s fist tightens once more as she bangs it on the desk, both in anger and frustration.
“I should have been there with you,” she whispers to Thane’s image. “I shouldn’t have left your side at all.” This remains as one of Terra’s greatest regrets: that she couldn’t be there to help and support Thane through the tougher moments of his sickness. She’d known what she was getting into when she’d called in to Hackett to turn herself in, but duty dictated that she do the right thing. Plus, she’s pretty sure Thane would have kicked her ass if she’d tried to weasel her way out of it.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that,” Thane continues after a pause, as if he is actually talking to Shepard. “I don’t want you to worry, or feel guilty, that you are not with me.” Thane’s dark eyes stare at the camera, and Shepard imagines that he really is looking at her, remembering the piercing look of the drell’s eyes. “Just… face it bravely. I know you are good at that, Siha,” Thane says, a small smile on his face. “I love you. I hope the Alliance listens. Keep in touch.” With that, the first message ends. Shepard bows her head, barely able to keep her tears from leaking out. This message was sent to her just a few days into her house arrest. Despite this, she didn’t hear anything at all from Thane, as all of his messages had been intercepted and blocked by the Alliance channels.
With a shaking finger, Shepard activates the next message, once again immersing herself in Thane’s image and his voice. “Siha,” he begins.
All of his messages start that way, and all of them end with “I love you.” With each passing message, Shepard finds it harder and harder to keep her tears in check. As she closes the second-to-last message, she is shaking from the effort. Almost of Thane’s messages talk about what he had been doing during Shepard’s incarceration, such as his frequent exercising to keep in shape, catching up with Kolyat, and a trip that he and Kolyat went on to Earth, where they visited New Mexico. New Mexico, Shepard thinks to herself. It’s just a few hours by shuttle from Vancouver… She had been so close—so close!—to Thane, and yet so far, all because of her being incarcerated. This knowledge tears at Shepard, even more so because after their trip, Thane had fainted which resulted in him getting a concussion. After this, Kolyat had convinced his father to stay in Huerta Memorial. Shepard glances at the timestamp and realizes that Thane had sent that particular message just two weeks before the Reapers had invaded. At least they were safe by the time of the invasion, Shepard tells herself.
She takes a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for the last message. Her finger trembling, she plays the final message that Thane had sent her. “Siha,” Thane starts as his face once again appears, and still Shepard feels another jolt through her body, even after hearing Thane say that a dozen times over. “I have prepared emails, vids, and even composed paper letters.” I’ve never actually seen his handwriting, Shepard realizes. And now I never will…
“I know that none of these will reach you, Siha,” Thane continues, Shepard’s attention once again returning to her lover, “but this must be said.” He takes a deep breath. “My body had been acting on its own for years, my soul slumbering. I was not afraid of death, and I was, in fact, waiting for it. I remember telling you that my job with Nasana Dantius was to be my last. I had no reason to live. Not then.” Thane looks down for a moment, as if composing himself. “Then suddenly… I had two: you and Kolyat.” At this, the dam within Shepard breaks, and her tears start flowing down her cheeks. She pauses the message, unable to listen to it as she starts sobbing, her tears dripping down onto her hoodie. Hearing Thane say that she had been one of his reasons to live once again penetrates through Shepard’s defenses, leaving her vulnerable to all of the pain that she has been keeping hidden away since the start of the war. Her hands clench, and she starts banging on the desk, unable to stop her tears from flowing.
-/-/-/-/-/-
After a few minutes, Shepard has composed herself, though tears still drip down from her eyes as she continues the message. “Because of you, Siha, my soul awakened, returning to become one with my body once again. With that, it brought back the fear of dying. But I do not hate the fear. Siha, I am afraid to die because I am afraid of losing you.” Shepard bites her lip, stopping another sob from surfacing, instead taking a ragged breath in order to keep listening to the message. “Circumstances keep us apart, so Kolyat takes much of my time, but… I don’t know if it’s obvious to humans…” Thane lapses into one of his memories, recounting that first night they had shared together in the Normandy, just before their suicide mission through the Omega-4 Relay. “The silent slide of the door to her cabin. The blend of the smell of almond shampoo, regulation soap and gunpowder. Her smile as she greets me at the door.” Shepard closes her eyes, remembering that time as well. “Thane, be alive with me tonight.” The two of them say these last words at the same time, Shepard in a shaky whisper, Thane in his low growl.
She opens her eyes and focuses on the message once Thane has returned to the present. “I cannot forget you. That is what humans say. With us, it is a state called tu-fira: ‘Lost in another.’ It can consume us. In case you are in the same pain, I want to say… you have only made my life better, Siha. I would not trade the time I have spent with you for anything. You gave me you, you gave me Kolyat…. Even the Omega-4 Relay made me feel… purposeful, alive in a way I had never been since the death of Irikah. We are alive, Siha, and when we are not… I will meet you across the sea. I love you.”
Shepard looks at all of the messages, running a finger down the list and in one move, deletes them all. She will remember all of them, and does not need to watch them again to know what Thane has to say. Closing her omni-tool, she reaches inside a pocket and pulls out a small book. It is a prayer book for the religion of the drell. Shepard had asked Kolyat for a copy just after Thane’s funeral. This is the first time she is opening it since then, but she automatically finds the prayer she is looking for, as if her body already knows. She clears her throat out a bit and starts reading.
Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness.
Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand.
Kalahira, wash the sins from this one, and set me on the distant shore of the infinite spirit...
Kalahira, this one’s heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention.
Kalahira, guide me to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve.
Guide this one, Kalahira, and I will be a companion to you as I have been to him when I return to the sea…
-/-/-/-/-/-
Shepard stands in front of the terminal, the commands given to her by Vendetta uploaded. She feels the Crucible activating as the entire room around her lights up in a red glare. Wearily, she turns her head around to watch the frantic fight of the combined fleets of all the races against the Reapers. She cracks a smile, though even the small action causes her battered body to wince in protest. She looks down at her body and sees the charred remains of her armor; her own skinsuit looks like it is already about to disintegrate, parts of it melted onto her skin. The fact that she can’t even fully feel the pain from her injuries should worry her, but it is a distant thought, one not as important as finally ending this war.
She looks back at the terminal where a request for confirmation has appeared. She closes her eyes, sending a prayer to Kalahira to receive into her arms the lives of her fallen comrades. Though never a religious woman, Shepard has stuck by the belief that she will eventually be reunited with Thane. As time passed, this has grown into an adoption of Thane’s own religion, to the point where Shepard would offer a silent prayer to Amonkira, Lord of Hunters, before each mission, followed by an equally quiet prayer to Kalahira asking for forgiveness on the shuttle ride back to the Normandy for all the lives she has taken.
She remembers her comrades – her friends – who have fallen in the charge to the beam. She prays for Liara T’Soni, Tali’Zorah vas Normandy and Garrus Vakarian. She had taken her three closest friends with her for the fight, and they had paid for it with their lives. “Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, this one asks you accept them as you have accepted my companion,” she whispers to herself.
Shepard opens her eyes once more, looking at the terminal, which waits for her to activate the Crucible. A warning is flashing as well, warning her that the energy discharge will also pass through this room. “Looks like I’ll be joining seeing you at the shore soon, Thane,” she whispers. As she brings her hand up to activate the terminal, she suddenly feels a whisper passing through her, followed by the light feeling of someone pressing their hand to hers.
“I shall be waiting for you at the shore, Siha.”
A smile crosses Shepard’s face, and she unflinchingly brings her hand to the terminal, closing her eyes and imagining Liara beside herself with worry and telling Glyph to run his calculations again, Garrus with a drink in one hand, his favorite rifle in the other, Tali good-naturedly arguing with Legion, Mordin prodding seashells with his instruments, and off to the side… Thane standing there, his arms held wide in welcome and a smile on his face, all of them in the shores of a beautiful beach there to welcome her to finally rest.
Shepard calmly watches as the core of the Citadel starts flaring red, the loud warning of the terminal no longer even registering as she closes her eyes.
“I’m coming, Thane.”