Work Text:
“I need to nap,” he says, his voice is low, his temper is short, and his feelings are hot. He’s afraid that if someone touches him the wrong way that he’ll explode and all that will be left is the pieces of who he used to be.
Phil is typing away on his phone about something, forming tweets that he’s scheduled, hoping that it’ll work before they leave everything behind. He’s tired too, he can tell in their silences. There’s nothing there, nothing to be said in the in betweens. They’re tired, but Dan can act the part. He won’t be getting his nap that he wants.
They have to get on the plane, and then meet with the translator and explore the beautiful city that is Moscow.
“I need a nap.” Dan says again and Phil hears it because he nods.
Maybe that’s something.
*
It’s been a long day and Dan has taken a lot of photos, wanting to showcase it to the world but wanting to keep it to himself. They belong to him for now, and they’ll belong to him for the next few days until they’re at the next stop. He’ll be back on social media by then. He won’t talk about how much he’s dreading it.
The silence has been both hard and good. Hard because his anxiety has been flaring up, missing the digital world and wanting to see what his friends are up to, wanting to connect in the only way he knows how (vague tweets, funny tweets, relatable tweets, a video that he goes back to when he’s anxious, a video he watches when he’s sad, memories on his computer, notes in a word document).
It’s been good because he’s forced to let himself think and read books that his mother suggests. It may not be a lot but it’s a bridge of meeting his mother halfway to form a better relationship. He can’t wait to tell her that he really liked the last book he read and maybe discuss it over a phone call.
*
They visit shops, their translator is gentle and explains the things that they don’t understand but Dan’s fatigue is getting the best of him.
He wants to nap. He wants to lay down with Phil holding him. He can’t do either of these things so he takes photos of him instead, when he’s looking, when he’s not looking, tugging on a strand of hair that’s lopsided, and rolling his eyes when they’re in another shop and he points out the candy but doesn’t buy.
His emotions have been everywhere today. They range from hot to cold, maybe it’s the weather, the summer blues, but holding on to the fact that they’re doing something they love. It wears on his body and he’s tired, so, so tired but he’s holding on for the rest of the day, talking to Phil briefly about what’s on his mind, just barely scratching the surface.
Meeting people that are from Russia and watch their videos is a new experience and he doesn’t know how it’s going to change his life until he leaves. There are people just like him here, there’s common connections that no one else may understand but he gets it. After the people have walked away, and the photos are done he looks down at the group photo and he smiles a little.
That hot feeling that’s been running inside of him subsides for now.
Life is a series of moments and feelings and sometimes Dan needed to learn when to let go.
*
When people from their crew ask how it’s been without internet it’s with a little jab that they may not realise they’re doing, like Dan can’t survive without being online. He knows that he’ll joke about it later but it hurts. The internet formed him and made him who he is today but it’s not all who he is (or maybe it is, he doesn’t know and he’s too afraid to dig deeper into it).
He doesn’t have an answer for them right now, other than a smile and a shrug. It is what it is, wanting to add that the things we love have a way of hurting us if without really realising it.
“I need a nap.” Dan says with a small sigh, he has a headache and they’re in a starbucks, both having gone to the restroom. There’s a pounding behind his eyes, just tiny little drums being played, but it’s loud enough for Dan to hear and feel.
Phil looks at him now, and Dan can see that Phil is tired too. Maybe in different ways than Dan, but they’re both tired. They’ve done a lot of talking and walking, and asked a lot of questions about different buildings and cathedrals.
“Me too.” Phil says, he reaches out to place a hand on Dan’s cheek and it’s a sweet affection that makes Dan close his eyes, and if he were braver he’d pull him in for a kiss but it’s not the place or time.
*
Russia is beautiful cathedrals and a variety of different kind of people, it’s also fast paced, not in the way that London is. Everywhere they look he wants to take a picture of but he stores it in his memory. Some things can’t be replicated.
“Sunset is around nine,” Their tour guide says and Dan nods, they’re sitting on a bench, like a squad of some sort with tired feet and tired eyes but enjoying the fast paced life that Russia brings. One of their favourite past times is to people watch.
Lights are slowly turning on as the sun starts to go down, there never really is a moment for darkness. Dan watches as the trees illuminate with it’s neon blue lights.
If it were any other moment Dan might have tweeted his thoughts about how this made him feel. Instead he looks over to Phil who seems to be lost in his own thoughts, and he thinks that this moment is enough for him. The world didn’t need to know everything that was on his mind, maybe he just needed to find contentment in himself, that validating his own feelings was enough.
*
Their last stop of the day is at a 24 hour grocery store. They split off in pairs and plan to meet up at the front. Phil has taken Dan down the candy aisle. He’s picking up sweets that look appealing to him, grabbing an extra one for Dan. He finds a Canada Dry soda in different flavours and picks that because it’s familiar to him.
Dan smiles spying something that looks marshmallowy that he wants to surprise Phil with.
Moments like these remind him of when they were younger. They would go to tesco’s all the time because Phil never had anything in his house to eat, they’d split off and grab things that sounded good and hopefully would be enough to make a decent meal. (It was never enough, but that was okay.)
Dan would often have these thoughts that Phil was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with- these mundane moments that made them human. They weren’t just these personas that they put up, but were people that felt these strong emotions; that missed things like cellphones and laptops, but could make up the time in between them in a country with a different language and culture that they didn’t understand but could learn to appreciate their differences.
There would be a time when they wouldn’t be on the internet as much as they were now, it had always made Dan feel a slight panic knowing that things could never last or stay the same like he wanted them to. He was open to new beginnings but they came with a lot of uncertainty. He puts the thought away for now.
He sees that Phil is on one side of the aisle and Dan is on the other he’s got a handful of treats and chocolates and he’s smiling at Dan from afar. Maybe this is all that he can get for now but he’ll take it. He walks closer the marshmallow sweet behind his back.
“What do you have?” Phil is trying to poke his head around to look but Dan keeps moving.
“Nothing. You’ll see.”
*
The illuminated lights on the trees and the buildings greet them on their way out. They’re never really alone.
It’s quiet their walk back to the hotel. They make a plan for tomorrow about what time to meetup downstairs but they eventually split off with key cards in hand.
Dan looks over his shoulder as he follows Phil into his room. It’s no surprise when they both just collapse on the bed, staring at a ceiling.
Phil intertwines their fingers together and Dan closes his eyes letting himself appreciate the wonderful feeling of being able to lay down. He knows that if he doesn’t get up he’ll fall asleep like this.
Phil rummages through the bag and lays all the sweets out on the bed.
Dan picks himself up, running a hand over his face and grabs his bag.
“I don’t know what to try first,” Phil says.
Dan grabs the one that catches his eye the most. It’s called Alenka, it has a picture of a child on it. Dan’s thumb smooths over the wrapping remembering what their translator said about the chocolate. It was one of the most well-known ones, it’s a simple milk chocolate- but sometimes that’s good enough.
When Phil has run out of sweets Dan gives Phil the package of Zefir, and he reacts like Dan thought he would. He digs into the first fluffy cloud, he’s thinking, wondering if he likes it or not and decides that he does because he goes in for another bite. Dan had asked the translator what his favourite treat was and he told him that he really enjoyed Zefirs.
“Thank you.” Phil says with his mouthful, grabbing one and shoving it in Dan’s mouth. It makes them both laugh, Dan shoving Phil’s shoulders.
“Asshole,” he says moving the candy back into the bag so he can strip of his clothes and get underneath the covers. He won’t be here long. He has his own room, and he’ll have to get changed again to go back, but his body is tired and he wants affection that can only come from Phil.
Phil understands that, slipping underneath the covers and pulling the other closer. They have a lot to talk about, and they’ll talk about it at some point but right now Dan just wants to concentrate on the feeling of Phil’s fingers running through his hair, massaging his scalp.
“I’m glad we met all those people today.” Dan says after a while.
They’ve been staring at each other for a while now, Dan running his hands up and down Phil’s arms.
Phil knows the significance underneath all of that, he cups Dan’s face, his thumb brushing over his cheek and nose.
“Me too.”
Dan feels something stuck in his throat but he gets closer.
“I missed you,” Dan says, and it catches Phil off guard.
“I haven’t gone anywhere.” Phil’s smile is small, he leans in to press a kiss to the side of Dan’s mouth.
“I know, it just feels like it.”
Dan holds on a little bit longer, and grabs his phone to set a timer.
“I’m going to nap now,” Dan’s got his arms wrapped around Phil refusing to let go until he has to.
His alarm will go off in a half hour and he’ll get dressed to go back to his room and prepare himself for tomorrow’s show. He doesn’t think about that now as he listens to the sound of Phil breathing. It’s the one thing he can do right now.