Chapter Text
I was only fifteen when I lost the greatest love I’ve ever known.
My dad died on a Monday and was buried on a Friday, the skies unleashed its tears during his funeral and I wanted nothing more than to drown in the rain. I watched as his casket was lowered into a huge gaping hole in the ground and wanted nothing more than to go down along with him. It took me a while to realize this, but in a way, a part of me did.
I buried my heart in that cemetery that day, along with all the bits and pieces of myself that once belonged to him.
Nothing was the same after that.
On the morning of my high school graduation, three years after my father’s death, I finally mustered up enough courage to go into his study. I sat against the door for a while, eyes bloodshot and swollen, arms tightly wound around myself. I sat there thinking, “If I can do it. If I can just walk into this room, I’d be able to walk on that stage and speak without breaking.”
But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have enough strength to face it. There were too many memories, too many reminders of what was lost. Grief and nostalgia overwhelmed me, anger boiled my blood, and I just sat there, motionless, as tears spilled down my cheeks.
________
“Stacie?”
I looked up and found my grandpa standing a few feet away from me, his brows were knotted in concern.
“Grandpa?” I choked, voice thick with emotion.
He reached out and pulled me up, enveloping me in a crushing embrace. I sobbed as he hugged me, he kept me up as my legs gave out. Nothing was said between us, he just let me cry.
He patiently waited until my sobs subsided and until my legs found its strength to stand again.
“Are you ready now?” He asked, his eyes shining with encouragement. The same shade of gray as my dad’s.
He knew what stepping into that room meant for me. How I spent countless hours during the past three years just staring at that closed door. Unwilling and unable to go inside. That study was our room, mine and my dad's. Half of the memories I had with him was spent in that room. So for me to finally find the strength to go in there, and finally face the reality that I won't find him sitting at his desk when I walked in...
It meant I'd be able to overcome not finding him in the crowd during graduation.
"I'm ready." I said, though my voice was shaky.
"Alright then,” He nodded. “I'll walk right in there with you."
He held my hand and slowly pushed the door open. We walked in together but he stood back as I ventured further inside the room. I tried to control my emotions as years’ worth of memories crashed over me. But, for the first time since losing my dad, I didn’t try to block them out. I just let them come.
I was finally allowing myself to take everything in. Allowing myself to replay the memories. Allowing myself to picture him sitting by his desk, and the images of him turning around and smiling at me to run freely through my mind.
The room had three big floor to ceiling windows, dad’s work desk facing towards them. He always said it was easier for him to work when he had a good view. I sat in his chair and traced the outline of his stray pen marks on the desk. I looked over to the couch on my left and smiled fondly, remembering all the afternoons I spent napping there while he worked. To my right, was the desk he had set up for me because I needed a more isolated place to study, my hyperactive nature had made it impossible to focus in my own room back then.
When I looked up towards the window, my breath hitched. Sitting there, I saw the world from his vantage point. My eyes roamed the view of the backyard. The same yard I’d see every day, but from his point of view, I got a better look at the sky, and the trees and the mountains that stood strong in the distance.
“He always had an affinity to natural beauty.” Grandpa said. His voice broke me out of my silent reverie. “He looked at the world with such awe and wonder. Always goin’ on and on about the sky and the vastness of space. Your grandma and I used to to spend so much money on toys but all he wanted to do was look at stuff!”
A breathy laugh escaped my lips at that.
“So, for his seventh birthday, we bought him a telescope and that was that. Didn’t have to waste money on toys ever since.”
He walked up next to me and leaned against the desk. I offered him a small smile and reached out to squeeze his hand.
“I miss him.” Was my whispered confession, afraid if I said it any louder it would awaken my brokenness again.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.”
“I always thought he’d be here, you know? In every milestone I envisioned for my life, I always saw him with me. Cheering me on. Supporting me. I just-“ clearing the lump in my throat, I released a defeated breath- “I just wish he was here.”
“I know, it’s okay-“
“But it's not.” It came out as a whisper, but anger begun to roar inside of me. “It’s not fair. He’s supposed to be here. He’s supposed to watch me graduate and send me off to college. He’s supposed to bug me about visiting for the holiday parties. And interrogate anyone I'd bring home! He was supposed to walk me down the aisle one day...”
I buried my face in my hands and worked to keep my breaths even. “He was supposed to be here. For all of it." I heaved a hard sigh and stared blankly out the window. "I don't know how to go back to being okay again.”
Grandpa didn’t speak for a few moments, he just kept his gaze on me. When he finally did speak, his voice was shaky and sparse.
And I knew then that he was just as broken as I was.
“I have lived through so many things, I’ve seen what tragedy can do to people. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about grief, it’s this: There’s nothing anyone can say or do to fill the void, Stacie. There’s no pleasure or vice that can quench our insatiable need to just be able to see them again, or to be able to hold them again. I know how unfair life can be. No daughter should grow up without a father.
They say we can never experience the same kind of love twice. Love has a different meaning with every single person we encounter it with. And as you already know, no one can replace who and what your dad was to you. The love a father has for his daughter, and vice versa, nothing can replicate it. Just like nothing can replace the love I had for Cal as my son. He was the last thing I had left of your grandma, my flesh and blood, my boy…” He croaked at that last word but quickly worked to compose himself.
“And though we have to go through the rest of our lives missing a part of our hearts, though nothing can completely stop the pain, I found my peace with it. All because of you girls. You and your sister are a constant reminder of him, of how beautiful life is and how lucky we are to get to experience the different aspects of it. And you know what? That’s enough for me. It’s enough for me to keep living, despite of the missing pieces.”
Tears were flooding down my cheeks, I didn’t try wiping them at that point. I just let myself cry.
He pushed off the desk and crouched down to my eye level. “He’s not here anymore, I know. But I am. So is your mother, and your sister, and the rest of your family and friends.” He took his hands out of the pockets of his robe and held my hands between his own. Tightening his grip, he smiled at me sadly. “I pray one day we’ll be enough for you too.”
I surged forward and broke down in his arms. Sob after sob rippled through my body. I didn’t even bother controlling my loud wailing as he held me. He whispered words of encouragement in my ear and validated my pain. Up until that point, I never showed that part of my grief in front of my family, and because of that reason, I never knew what it felt like to be held that way; to be understood in that way. I thought I had to be the strong one. I thought if I pretended to be my usual, carefree self in front of them, it'd help them somehow.
But as I cried in my grandfather’s arms that morning, I realized how exhausted I was from pretending.
Some time had passed when I felt a hand on my back, coaxing me to stand up. Grandpa gently rose to his feet and helped pull me up. I turned around, even with my head still facing the ground, I knew the other person was my mom.
She wiped away my tears and held onto my face. “Stacie, baby. Look at me.” She said.
I looked up and was met with watery green eyes. Much like my own.
“I love you very much.” She said, her voice laced with so much conviction. “I know daddy not being here has been difficult. Especially on days like today. I know how hard you’ve worked to stay strong, but it’s okay not to be. I know sometimes you miss him so much tha-” She wavered a bit. Choking back a small sob, she continued- “Sometimes you miss him so much that all you want to do is stay in bed all day. I know how you'd play Love Me Tender, on a continuous loop, on nights when you can't sleep. I know some days you'd sit in front of that door for hours, willing yourself to take that next step.”
She paused and smiled at me, her eyes filled to the brim with tears. “There were so many times I tried to reach out to you, but you refused to let me in."
“I just didn’t want you to worry about me.” I confessed quietly.
“I’m your mom, I’ll always worry about you." She curled the small, disarrayed parts of my hair behind my ear and tucked back my flyaways. "It’s okay to feel broken, Stacie. I just wish you'd stop insisting on suffering through it alone.”
I wordlessly wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight. A few moments passed in silence, only the sound of our sniffling filled the room.
“I love you, my girl.”
“I love you too mom.”
“I can't believe you're graduating today!" She said, disbelief and pride coloring her tone.
"Oh god, I know! Friggin' finally!" I said as I rolled my eyes.
"I’m so proud of you. Look at you.” She stepped back and held me at arms’ length, “Look at what you’ve accomplished! You’re graduating today and, despite of everything, you still managed to graduate at the top of your class! My daughter’s THE valedictorian? Whaaaaaat?"
"Haaaaaayyyyyy that's meeee." I sang out and pointed to myself giddily despite the heaviness in my chest.
"Exactly. That's all you, love. I'm super proud of you, my beautiful little genius-“
“You know what, Delia? I would say she got it all from my side of the family but you’re technically responsible for half of her so…” My grandpa piped up. "And God knows Caleb wasn't as pretty as he was smart! So I guess we can say she got the brains from us but the looks from you." He shrugged and chuckled heartily. His outburst caused both of us to laugh as well.
At the sound of their laughter, my heart felt a little lighter. My mom shook her head at him in mild amusement and handed me a white envelope. I turned it over and froze when I saw my name written in my dad’s writing.
“Wha-“
“He wanted me to give this letter to you after graduation. But I figured now is as good a time for you to read it.” She kissed my forehead and gave me a tight hug, “I’m gonna start working on breakfast. Are you going to be okay reading it by yourself?”
“Yeah, I think so.” I replied, my eyes still glued to the envelope.
“Okay. We’ll leave you to it then.” She booped my nose then turned to leave, calling out to my grandpa as she went, “Come on Hal, I could use a hand in the kitchen.”
“Of course.” My grandpa said and scurried on after her. “And how many times do I have to tell you to call me dad?! CORDELIA?!” He yelled out.
Mom’s reply was drowned out by the old man’s low grumbling. “Twenty years, twenty years of this. You’d think she’d get used to it after all that time. We're family! I even live here now for God’s sake…”
I snickered at his whining, as I always did whenever he'd complain about silly things.
He stopped just outside the door and turned to me. “Now that you're in here, you should make yourself comfortable. Get reacquainted, if you will." He pointed towards dad's desk, "Sit over there while you read the letter. This office was as much yours as it was his. It's always been yours to use, it's high time for you to make it your own.” He winked then turned to leave.
I took my grandpa's advice and sat down. My hands were shaking as I opened the letter and a small wave of hope came over me while I read it.
“To my little girl, my treasure, my love, my life, my heart,
Firstly, I want to tell you how much I love you. I love you more than the simple human mind can comprehend. Secondly, I want to tell you how proud I am of you, how proud I have been to be able to call myself your father. You’re naturally intelligent, talented, witty, perceptive, and the love you give others has no bounds. Your very existence is a miracle in itself.
We named you Anastasia, which means “resurrection”, because around the time of your birth the hopes and dreams I had for myself were dead. But once you came into this world, all loud and proud, and when I held you in my arms for the first time, I realized the infinite was still attainable. You revived the part of me that dreamt of the impossible and because of you, I was able to fulfill those dreams.
Everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve done, was for the benefit of our family. I wanted to make the world a better place for you and Alex to live in. I just wish I had more time to spare.
I wish I had a thousand lifetimes, a thousand lifetimes to give to you. A thousand lifetimes to spend with you girls. But everything has a beginning and an end. Even the stars die out eventually.
So here you are now, reading my words instead of listening to them because I’m no longer around. Physically, anyway.
I’m still alive in these words, I’m still alive in my love for you girls, I’m still alive in the memories you have of me. Nothing can take that away from you, not even death.
As you get ready to enter a new chapter of your life, never lose sight of the things that matter most. Don't forget to keep your mom updated, you know how she gets. Be sure to make time for your family and friends. Follow your passions, know who you are. You're Anastasia Conrad, live up to your name. You are infinite. You are light in the darkness. You are the apple of God’s eyes. And you are my dream come true.
I hope you keep looking at the stars.
I hope you always stand in awe of nature.
Keep your heart deeply rooted and grounded in love.
I pray you never make your bed in dead places,
but if you must
because of exhaustion
if you must
because of anger
if you must
because of disappointment
if you must
because of pain
It’s okay to stay there a while.
Cry if you have to,
Scream if you have to,
break things if you have to,
sleep if you have to
But don’t make a home of it.
Once you find the strength to stand
Once you find the will to open your eyes
Look towards the horizon,
keep your gaze on the dawn
And remember to fall in love with the sun again.
You will find me in the warmth of the sunrise,
My love will surround you in the wind.
I love you always,
Dad."
I read his poem during my graduation speech that evening. A part of me was still scared to look up, afraid of how it would trigger my grief knowing he wasn't among the crowd watching me. But as I looked out at the world, his words rang true in my heart. He was still alive because I found him everywhere; In the love I felt with my family, in my hopes and my dreams, in nature, in the night sky, in the moonlight...
Somewhere among the stars, he was there.
And that was enough for me.