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“Hyunjin?”
Hyunjin sniffles and turns over in his bed so that he’s facing the wall instead, hiding his tear streaked face. He had thought he was the only one awake at this time, not bothering to close the door to his room. But now he can clearly hear the padded sound of sock-clad feet making way across the small space to his bed. Maybe he even accidentally woke him up. Hyunjin tries to cover his face with his arms. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, especially not Seungmin. He wipes his nose with the sleeve of his sweater and sniffles some more, as quietly as he can.
He doesn’t have it in him to tell Seungmin to go away, and soon he feels how the bed dips near where his feet lie curled up. A hesitating hand comes to rest on his thigh, and for some reason it makes him feel all choked up. He takes a sharp breath and closes his eyes shut tight.
“Hey,” Seungmin says softly, hand stroking his leg slowly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Hyunjin shakes his head the best he can while laying on his side. He’s not even sure what he’s supposed to say to make Seungmin understand. He’s just feeling scared. The future terrifies him and everything just feels so close to the end right now that he doesn’t know how to handle it. His school work just keeps stacking up and he can’t keep up together with everything else he needs to do. His body can’t contain his feelings anymore, sending him into overdrive.
He can feel Seungmin shifting on the bed. The hand on his leg is removed. “Can I at least lie down?”
Hyunjin considers for a second before he shuffles closer to the wall without a word, making space for Seungmin to lie down. He feels the warmth of the other’s body next to him even if they’re not laying pressed up against each other. It’s comforting. He can feel the ghost of Seungmin’s breath against the nape of his neck, and it makes his hairs stand on an end.
They lay quiet for a while, both listening to each other’s breathing. Seungmin is breathing so quietly he starts to wonder if he’s really there. Maybe this is all just a dream. Maybe he’ll wake up in a second, all alone in his dark room. Hyunjin continues to sniffle a little.
After a while he feels Seungmin shift and a finger is placed on his back. “Whenever I had a nightmare when I was little, and couldn’t go back to sleep,” he murmurs, finger moving slowly across Hyunjin’s back, “my sister always used to draw shapes and figures on my back, just like this, until I calmed down again.”
Hyunjin focuses on trying to identify the shapes Seungmin is tracing. It’s simple things at first; a circle, a triangle, a star. Soon he continues on with something more complex, it might have been words. He thinks he signs it off with a heart, and it makes the tips of Hyunjin’s ears heat up.
Hyunjin was good at repressing feelings of stress, but he had nearly mastered the form of repressing the feelings he had for Seungmin. He rarely let himself acknowledge his affection for the other, but it always rested there, at the far edge of his consciousness. But sometimes Seungmin sends him signals that he’s not sure how to interpret in other ways than the ones his heart secretly wishes for, and he usually ends up pondering about it for days afterwards. Changbin says he’s obvious, completely whipped, but Seungmin has never said anything about it or made any clear implications that he’d noticed anything off.
In the end, his curiosity gets the best of him. “Before, what did you write?” Hyunjin asks when Seungmin goes back to drawing circles. His voice cracks, a little broken after crying. Seungmin’s finger buffers a little, but he quickly finds his rhythm again. Maybe he didn’t expect Hyunjin to say anything, maybe he didn’t expect the question.
“Couldn’t you tell?” Seungmin asks back, tone light but slightly teasing, with an underline of something he can’t decipher. Hyunjin wishes he could see his eyes, they might tell him the things his voice can’t. Seungmin strokes his palm over his back as if he was erasing his previous creations. “Shall I repeat myself, maybe?”
“Please,” Hyunjin answers, fully focused on getting it right. Seungmin makes the letters bigger this time around, he goes slower, finger just a bit shaky. His lines are still much clearer this time around though. There really should not be any space for doubt, but it’s the meaning of the words themselves that makes Hyunjin feel like his own fantasies are taking over. Maybe he’s actually just dreaming.
“I–I’m not sure I got that right,” Hyunjin stutters once Seungmin’s finger stills after drawing yet another heart.
He huffs a little. “I care a lot for you, Hyunjinnie,” Seungmin says, head falling to rest against Hyunjin’s shoulders. The whiny, slightly embarrassed tone is enough to confirm his previously doubtful suspicions. He’s not entirely sure what to feel, but his cheeks are heating up. His eyes might be getting a bit teary again. His heart might have swelled twice the size. He knew that getting something like this from Seungmin was special, he only said things like this once in a blue moon. But when he said it, he always meant it. And Hyunjin took every word to heart.
I’ll be next to you, you’re doing fine, he had written, and the part that makes goosebumps rise on his arms, I’ll always be there for you, Hyunjin.
“Seungmin, I’m–” Hyunjin starts as he turns over. Seungmin leans back a little to not get squished by his shoulders. When Hyunjin’s eyes meets Seungmin’s concerned ones, he can’t help but let the tears start falling again.
“Why are you crying now?” Seungmin says, sounding distressed. He raises his hand to wipe at Hyunjin’s cheek. He lets his thumb rest right under where the mole under his eye must be. “I’m sorry if I said something wrong, I just wanted to let you know–”
“No, no,” Hyunjin interrupts, because that’s not it at all. His emotions are all mixed up, everything is a little oversaturated but he’s certain his tears are not ones of sadness. He’s so thankful for Seungmin’s existence, for him being here to hold him when he’s sad. “How am I supposed to live without you, Seungminnie? How am I supposed to survive if you’re not with me?”
A pained smile appears on Seungmin’s face at his dramatic antics, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He draws the still sobbing Hyunjin closer to him. Hyunjin finds himself pressed up against his chest, Seungmin’s chin resting protectively on top of his head. “I’m not going anywhere you dummy, not anytime soon, I promise you. But I know you will do well even if I'm there or not. You got to give yourself some more credit. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, one of the kindest, and you always make it through, always.”
The words sounds kind of muffled to his ears where they’re pressed up against his chest and caged by his arms. Hyunjin feels bad for getting Seungmin’s hoodie wet with tears, he recognizes it as one of his favorites, but the other keeps him tightly in his arms. He can hear Seungmin’s heartbeat, ear resting against his chest, and it’s beating faster than it probably should. It makes Hyunjin feel less nervous, knowing that he’s not the only one with a racing heart.
“Thank you,” Hyunjin mumbles to his heart, and Seungmin strokes a hand through his hair. The simple words are filled with emotion, and he hopes at least some of it gets across. Because there’s so much he wants to tell Seungmin, so many things he wants to show him, so many things he wants them to do together, but there are no words that can portray what he’s feeling accurately. And even if there were, he’s not sure he would dare to speak them out loud, and maybe that’s what he finds the most terrifying; both the regrets and the possibilities of the things left unsaid.
But as usual, Seungmin proves to him he doesn’t need to be scared. That he doesn’t have to be ashamed of his feelings. Because to the sound of their hushed breathing and soft creaking of the bed Seungmin leans down to touch his lips to the top of Hyunjin’s head. It feels like the sweetest blessing he has ever recieved.
Seungmin answers the words Hyunjin never spoke, because Seungmin knows him well enough by now that the message got across to him either way.
“Me too,” he murmurs into his hair. Hyunjin feels warmth spreading through his insides to meet the warmth surrounding him.The blood in his veins flutters and he feels butterflies all the way up in his throat.
“Are you sure?” Hyunjin asks, leaning away so he can look Seungmin in the eyes. His cheeks are dusted with the softest pink, eyes calm with no trace of doubt.
“One hundred percent,” he answers, eyes sparkling. He starts to lean in, and Hyunjin’s eyes widen. But Seungmin just boops their noses together and once he pulls back giggles escape his mouth when he sees the facial expression Hyunjin is making.
Hyunjin hits him lightly on the arm. “Stop making me feel embarrassed,” he says, but he’s giggling too by now. It’s one of the uncontrollable kind, the kind that always end with both of them laughing until they have to wipe their eyes.
They’re apparently laughing loud enough to awaken a bleary eyed Changbin. He walks into the room without them noticing, plushie companion in his right hand and switches the lights on with the other. Both Hyunjin and Seungmin shut up at once and scoots away from each other, both looking alarmed at the sight of Changbin and blinking at the bright light. They stare at each other for a long second, before Changbin slowly begins to back away again, eyes half open, hand still on the switch. He only turns off the lights once his entire body except for his arm is out of the room, leaving Hyunjin and Seungmin in a darkness that seemed darker then it was before.
“Keep it down!” is the last thing they hear before Changbin retreats to his own room and closes the door after him. This only sends them into a fit of fresh giggles, and it takes several minutes for them to calm down again.
“So,” Seungmin speaks when they’ve been laying quiet for a few minutes.
“So,” Hyunjin repeats.
“Can I stay over? I was just about to put down the book I was reading and sleep when I heard you.”
“If you want to,” Hyunjin says, staring at the ceiling.
“Of course I want to, otherwise I wouldn’t have asked,” he says and turns to his side. “What about you though? If you don’t want to I’ll just go back to mine.”
“No, I want you to stay,” he says, and adds, “I sleep better next to someone anyways.”
Seungmin sits up. “Noted, then I’ll just go get my book, and I’ll bring you a bottle of water too. I’ll be right back.”
“You’re going to continue reading?” Hyunjin asks and watches Seungmin as he pauses in the doorframe. His hair is standing up all kinds of ways.
“Just gonna finish the chapter, only half a page left,” he whispers and disappears into the darkness of the hall. Hyunjin lets out a laugh and shakes his head. He might as well get up and change into more comfortable clothes to sleep in.
Half a page ended up being seven, and by then Hyunjin had drunk half of the bottle of water Seungmin had brought him. Hyunjin was laying with his head on Seungmin’s chest, Seungmin resting his book on his head. They had turned the light on Hyunjin’s nightstand on, and it spread a soft yellow light throughout the room.
“Seungmin,” Hyunjin says, closing his eyes.
“Hm?” He turns a page.
“Could you read for me?”
“But I’m in the middle of the book.”
“I know, but still,” he pauses. “I just really like your voice.”
Seungmin doesn’t answer him at once, but eventually he agrees. His voice fits the dark honey-colored mood of the room, and Hyunjin kind of feels like he’s floating. The way Seungmin’s chest vibrates when he speaks is comforting, and he doesn’t realize he has come to a stop until he feels Seungmin shift to put away his book. Hyunjin yawns.
“Sorry, did you fall asleep?” Seungmin asks as he turns off the light.
“No, it’s alright,” Hyunjin answers, moving to lay on the pillow instead. “Don’t want to be crushing you all night.”
“You’re not crushing me.”
“I can feel the way you move your arm as if you’re trying to make the pins and needles go away.”
Silence. Hyunjin smirks. Then a huffed, “Fine.”
Hyunjin turns towards the wall again, he thinks it feels a little awkward to sleep with his face towards Seungmin (maybe he’s a little self conscious). Seungmin doesn’t seem to mind, and he throws the blanket over them.
“Good night, Hyunjin,” he whispers into his neck, and once again Hyunjin shivers.
“Good night,” he echoes back. Seungmin traces the words over his back, and signs it off with a heart. Hyunjin smiles and buries his face deeper into the pillow. Seungmin throws a hand over his waist protectively, and like that they fall asleep.
The next morning, Hyunjin wakes up warm in the arms of a boy who loves him back, but also to the sound of Changbin snickering and snapping pictures of the two of them curled up against each other. Hyunjin just laughs as Seungmin chases Changbin around their shared apartment, while he himself is completely content staying in bed, unbothered.