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It’s with annoyance that Chris carries Josh over his shoulder back to their room, that much is clear and if Josh wasn’t so drunk he might actually apologize for the way he had acted earlier. The stench on Chris’s shoe leaves marks on the already messy floor in the halls as they quickly make their way across it to find their shared room.
Earlier that night Mike was throwing a party. Not a big one, but a big enough one to have access to too much alcohol. Josh hadn’t wanted to go this time, the reasons probably more than one. Firstly, these parties happen so often they never really miss out on anything if they don’t go to one of them. Secondly, Chris only wants to go because Ashley is going to be there. And it’s not that he isn’t happy for Chris, after all he is the one who pushes the other to go for it, but it’s not like he can just put his feelings for the blonde away and pretend it doesn’t hurt when he sees that things are going well between Ash and Chris. And Josh likes Ashley; she’s his friend after all and has been a lot of help to him through rough times when he hasn’t been able to turn to Chris, so he can’t blame her for the way he feels. But this night is different. Josh drinks far too much than he should and doesn’t care when he interrupts Chris and Ashley who has moved out to be alone. He doesn’t care that he ruins the moment, and continues not to care when he throws up on Chris’s shoes and makes him take him back to his room.
They reach the room and it takes Josh nothing more than minutes before he is over the toilet emptying his stomach again. He expects Chris to leave the room to return to the party but is proven wrong when the blonde's hand is on his back, forming soothing circles. It just makes Josh want yell at him to just go back because obviously he doesn’t deserve someone like Chris.
When nothing more seems to be coming up Josh pushes himself up from the toilet and past Chris, not really trusting himself too meet Chris’s gaze.
Chris follows him into the room and stops somewhere in the middle of it. He checks his phone as a message makes itself known and types something quickly down.
“You should go back to her” Josh mutters, face turned towards a window where his gaze falls on the street lights outside the room.
“Who? Ash?” Chris pushes his phone back in his pocket and doesn’t seem to notice the sour tone in Josh’s voice. “She left”
“Oh…”
“What’s up with you lately?” Chris’s voice is soft and he sounds almost worried and Josh doesn’t know if he can hold it in much longer.
He doesn’t say anything, thinking maybe if he just keeps quiet Chris won’t be able to understand.
“You’re different lately; you don’t act like yourself and you always seem to be holding back about something. And then tonight you drink yourself stupid drunk and deliberately interrupt me and Ash? I mean, you were the one pushing me into even going with her to that place. It’s like…” Chris pauses he’s so close to calling out the elephant in the room. Josh’s heart is racing and he can’t bring himself to say anything, is there even an easy way to tell your best friend you’re in love with him?
“Oh my god, are you jealous?”
And there it is. Josh turns to face Chris automatically and can barely bring himself to look the other in the eye and when he does he can’t keep the gaze in more than a second before he drops it.
“You like Ashley?” Chris’s voice is the perfect mix of confusion and disbelief and once Josh realizes what he just said, a bitter chuckle escapes his lips.
“What a joke…” he mutters and doesn’t realize the tears that have started to well up until he looks up at Chris again.
“What?” Chris is so confused it’s almost adorable and he starts to talk again, about figuring it out and getting to an agreement. Josh doesn’t listen. He just wants Chris to shut up and for once just see Josh. Not Ash. Not Mike. Just Josh.
Before he can think twice Josh acts on an impulse he thought he had learned to control by now. He grabs the collars of Chris's shirt and pulls him down into a kiss, right on the lips. It’s nothing more than a quick peck and soon Josh is on the other side of the room swearing loudly.
“Fuck, oh shit oh god” He pulls a hand through his hair and doesn’t dare to look at Chris.
Chris isn’t saying anything; he’s just staring wide eyed at the wall with his lips parted in pure shock, like he really hadn’t seen that coming.
Josh looks at him and moves a hand along his mouth. He doesn’t savor the kiss, doesn’t like the way he can still sort of smell the perfume Chris is wearing from the short closeness. Because he knows he shouldn’t have done that.
Painful seconds pass before Chris seems to return to normal.
“You like…me?” He sounds like the most oblivious person even when the words are out there and Josh can do nothing but sort of nod, like he’s a child who’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t.
“So you’re not jealous of me? You’re jealous of Ash?”
Josh continues to nod.
“But we’re best friends”
Josh doesn’t know what to say to that. Of course Chris doesn’t feel anything towards him; they’re just friends to him, nothing more. All those times meant nothing more to him. He doesn’t feel that tightness in his chest when Josh makes that one expression or when he does that one thing that just describes the whole person. He doesn’t spend every second of his life thinking about Josh, doesn’t breathe the air Josh breathes, doesn’t long for Josh to hold him close and kiss him. Josh is Chris’s best friend, and that's all there is to it.
“I know” Josh’s voice is shaky and weaker than what he wants it to be.
“But it’s just a crush right?” The words sound so much crueler than they’re meant to be and they hit Josh just in that spot of his heart that has him thinking he might not be able to take this. He knows Chris is just trying to make sense of the situation, it’s not his fault. And still Josh can’t help but feel a little angry.
“I mean you don’t actually like me, or you know, love me? Not like that?” It’s so unbelievable they’re even having this conversation and there Chris is, asking Josh if he loves him and there’s not a word that comes to his mind that he can bring himself to say out loud.
When Josh still doesn’t say anything Chris takes a step closer to him.
“You need to talk to me Josh”
“And say what?” Josh finally snaps and quickly regrets it when Chris looks slightly hurt for a second.
He sighs and tries to look down at his feet in hope for the right words. “I can’t come up with any words that can describe the way I feel about you, the way I have felt about you since we were kids” Suddenly the words are just blurring out and it’s hard to stop once they're finally out. “Of course, I thought it was just a stupid crush or a feeling you felt for someone you’ve known for so long, but ever since you made me feel like I was the only important thing in your life I’ve wanted to kiss you. And I thought maybe you felt the same way because you never said anything those times I tried flirting with you so I thought maybe you knew and I just…”
“Wait hold on, we were flirting?” Chris interrupts and Josh glares at him for acting like such an idiot. “I didn’t even know…”
“Of course, you didn’t know because you were too busy being too fucking straight to notice” At this point Josh doesn’t know how Chris hasn’t left because all he is doing is yelling nonsense. All Chris is doing is listen and try to make sense of what Josh is yelling at him and somehow that just pisses Josh of more.
“Was I so wrong to think you liked me a little more than that?” He asks and this time doesn’t even bother to hide the hurt in his voice.
It’s a heartbreaking look that crosses Chris face when hears the question. “No, I mean we’re so close and of course I love you Josh” He tries to make is sound convincing but Josh knows that he doesn’t mean it like that
“But I’m like in love with you” They're only a few words in a different order, but it's enough. And it's that very difference between their love that tears them both apart.
They fall silent again for a couple of seconds before Chris takes another step closer to Josh.
“Okay…” He sighs softly as he approaches. “Maybe… maybe we could try again?”
Josh looks at him with eyebrows raised and he doesn’t know what to say this time either so he just goes with a “what?”
“You know, I just wasn’t ready back there so just uhm, plant one on me” Chris encourages him and leans forward so that he is on the same length as Josh, this time closing his eyes as he waits for Josh to kiss him.
In an uncertain move Josh slowly moves closer to Chris. At that moment it’s almost like he always imagined it and he doesn’t close his eyes until their lips come in contact, just to make sure he hasn’t fallen asleep in the middle of the nightmare he’s just gone through.
Their lips meet and Josh tries to be as soft as he possibly can. He moves his lips gently against Chris’s and smiles as he feels the other moving his lips back against his. The kiss is slow and so perfect Josh doesn’t want it to ever end. When Chris doesn’t seem to be either pushing away or doing anything more Josh runs in tongue along Chris’s lower lip as if to tell him to open his mouth and the blonde does just that. He moves his tongue in just as gently and lets Chris get used to the feeling of their tongues against one another before he tries to deepen the kiss even further. Chris tastes like a mixture of alcohol and soft drinks, which isn’t exactly like Josh imagined he would taste like. He wonders for a second how far he can possibly take it.
But just then Chris pulls away from the kiss and there's a devastated look on his face that fills Josh's gut with all the worst kinds of feelings.
He moves away to allow the other the space to breathe.
"No..?"
"I'm sorry Josh... I really thought I could do this because you're 'you', you know? And you're amazing, and funny, and devilishly handsome, but I just..."
Chris runs a hand through his hair and breathes a heavy sigh, unable to look directly at Josh.
"I'm not gay"
Josh looks away and bites down onto the insides of his cheeks to prevent a sob.
They both stare at the ground, neither sure of what to say in a moment like this.
Eventually Chris breaks the silence.
"Can we still be friends...?" There's so much hope in his voice that it almost breaks Josh's heart a third time that night. He sighs.
"I don't know..."
He keeps his eyes glued to his shoes.
"It's just... with you and Ash I don't know if I can..." He tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, but it's like it's grown ten times bigger than when this all started out.
Josh falls down onto the bed, hiding his face in his hands while rubbing the front of his head.
"Fuck"
Chris moves over to him and tries to place a hand on his shoulder.
"Josh..."
But it's too much to take right now.
Josh harshly shoves his hand off him and gets up. "Don't" He spins around, now glaring at Chris.
"You know it's your fucking fault... Subtle touches, random hugs and that fucking necklace you got me. I mean what the hell was I supposed to take from all that?"
He can't help but let the anger and frustration consume him, it's the only defense he's got left.
"I wasn't trying anything, I was just being your friend" Chris insists, and it's the way his voice still doesn't have a hint of anger that does the final hit.
"I know" Josh finally breaks into a sob, tears running down his cheeks. He turns away in shame.
"I don't want you to see me cry" he utters weakly, trying to wipe the tears away to no avail.
Chris doesn't try to move toward him anymore.
"I'm so sorry..." His voice sounds groggy too, but he doesn't seem to be crying.
Josh just nods, still unable to look at him.
Another couple of minutes pass before he can finally stop crying and speak again.
"I'll uh... I'll talk to the school about changing rooms tomorrow. I'll sleep somewhere else tonight" He motions to turn around and move but Chris shakes his head and prevents him from getting any further.
"No stop... I'll go. You don't have to leave until tomorrow night"
Josh nods miserably.
Chris nods back and walks toward the door but stops before opening it.
"This sucks..." He says with a sigh. "It feels like a break-up"
Josh finally looks up at this and their eyes meet. Both look equally as miserable.
"I..." Chris seem to stumble around with what to say exactly. "I should go" He eventually lands on and finally opens the door and stumbles out into the dark corridor. They don't exchange any other words before the door closes behind him and Josh is left behind in a room that now feels emptier than ever.