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The nightmares seldom came, but when they did, they were sharp and unforgiving. She would twist and turn as they trapped her in powerless horror. All she could do was murmur and in protest until a gasp of air or audible scream ended the paralysis. This time however, she was awoken by the gentle touch of a trusted friend.
"Mikasa it's alright." Sasha was sitting on the bed next to her trying to hold Mikasa's shoulder.
Mikasa opened her eyes, searching frantically in the darkness, dripping with sweat. She found Sasha and sat up to take a few moments to calm her breathing. After a while she felt her voice was steady enough to use.
"I had another nightmare." She said flatly, trying to take power away from it.
"Yeah it sounded like it.." Sasha's voice was low, it was strange to see her so quiet. "Was it a new one this time?"
Mikasa brought her knees to her chest. She was in too much shock to believe she was fully awake, this position felt safe and familiar. "It was a new one.... there was so much blood.... and everyone was dead."
Sasha had to be unnerved by this, but you couldn't tell by looking at her. Her demeanour was very comforting to Mikasa. "Was it the titans again?"
"No there weren't titans this time... but there were so many bodies and I was surrounded by them. It felt so real....The person who did it was far away from me, I couldn't see their face..." Mikasa cut herself off. Saying that had made her realise she was indeed awake, covered in sweat and sharing too much.
"I got you a towel.. here." Sasha handed it to her, somehow reading her mind.
Mikasa wiped her face and hair slowly to hide herself in thought. She felt exposed and vunerable after being found like this and saying that stuff. This happening all at once was overwhelming, she wanted to return to the safety of routine and quickly put this behind her.
"Thanks Sasha... goodnight."
"Wait hold on." Sasha was holding onto her wrist, she was too weak to move quicker than Sasha. "You can't go to bed just yet, you're still shaking."
Mikasa looked at her hands and noticed the wobbling fingers that she couldn't recognise as her own. They twisted and buzzed, even after she opened and closed her fist. "Oh.. I hadn't noticed."
"It's okay, I've got you. Lie down." Sasha's instructions seemed to self-contradict. Tentatively, Mikasa did just that. Sasha lay down next to her and hugged her from behind. Sasha held onto Mikasa's hand and that kept it steady.
"Okay... so how long are you going to hug me?"
"Until you fall asleep." The excited bounce Mikasa had come to know was back in Sasha's voice.
"Sasha that's ridiculous, I'm fine now." Mikasa protested weakly.
"Are you saying you don't like my hug?" Sasha teased back.
"No..." Mikasa protested even weaker.
"I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable, so feel free to tell me to go back to bed." Mikasa could hear her grinning. She sighed in defeat and pulled Sasha closer to her, she made a surprisingly snug blanket.
"Mikasa you're the strongest person I know... but that doesn't mean you have to be strong all the time. Sometimes it's okay to want others to make you feel safe." Sasha said that without any judgement, it made it all the more harder for Mikasa to reject.
"The nightmares aren't your fault, you don't have to deal with them all by yourself. I can't shoot them for you, but I can hug you until you feel a little better... right?" Sasha posed it as a question that only had one acceptable answer.
"...right." Mikasa was won over. Just for tonight she would play along with the goofiness.
"Besides, I don't want to stay here after you start snoozing... You sometimes fart in your sleep."
"No I don't!" Mikasa chuckled.
"And how would you know?" Sasha's grin was louder than ever. "Besides I'm not going to take the risk. If they're able to wake me up from the otherside of the room, one can only imagine-"
"Oh shush!" Mikasa was so flustered she'd stopped shaking. She didn't need the hug anymore but instead she pulled Sasha closer. A smile starting to bloom as she closed her eyes, she wondered privately if this was what it was like to have a sister.
The nightmares didn't come nearly as much after that night. When they did they weren't as scary knowing Sasha would be there to keep her safe and comfortable in the dark. She would snore eveyday but it was a small price Mikasa would pay for having her there.
..................................................................
Mikasa woke up alone in her bed two years later. Her muscles were sore and her eyes were wet from crying. The grey morning light did very little to soothe her pounding head. She was forced to sit up and cradle her head in her hands It was a small effort to delay the night ending.
She felt the need to gather the thoughts she lost when her eyes opened and assess what brought this on. One look at the empty bed on the other side of the room ended any hope of the light waking confusion she had lasting all day. Sasha's side of the room was neat, Mikasa had made her clean before the mission because it was nice to come back to a tidy room. She also knew a tedious chore like that would calm Sasha's nerves, but looking at it now, it was too tidy for it to look like Sasha's bed.
Mikasa's eyes dulled as her tears began to well. She hated staring at the spot but she couldn't look away. It was both a reminder that Sasha existed in this room as much as Mikasa did, and a reminder that she was gone and never coming back.
The funeral was only yesterday. Mikasa had stayed sat near Sasha's grave for a while after the service had finished, consoling herself with her scarf. She had spoken to no one and went straight to her room. All she could think about was spending the night without Sasha.. in their room. It had taken so long for Mikasa to accept it as their room, that night only made her grief heavier and Sasha all the more absent.
She pushed herself out of bed and sluggishly got dressed. It worked well as a small distraction until she looked in the mirror. Gazing into her own eyes allowed the guilt to creep in. Mikasa had allowed herself to be vulnerable when she would have those nightmares, but come the day time, she was back to her usual self. Maybe it just being the two of them at night made it much easier to let her guard down... But she couldn't accept that as an excuse.
Sasha never made her feel ashamed about being a reserved person and not openly expressive of her feelings, and Mikasa was grateful for that. But Mikasa knew now there were so many things she that should have told her. Things that were true, things she needed to know, and now she would never know them.
She looked away from the mirror. Wallowing in a soup of grief, regret and self-pity was doing her no good. Being alone in her room was doing her no good. With that realization, she forced herself out of the door. She had no idea where she was going but it felt like the right decision.
Usually she felt like her whole body moved as one still unit. It had always been that way, at least it had been since the day she got her scarf. Right now she was a bunch of disconnected parts. she was hovering outside of the room. She never hovered. So she stopped and took a deep breath. Where do I want to go? After a while the answer came to her along with a decisiveness that brought her stillness back for the time being.
She walked down the corridor at a fairly slow pace. Breakfast hadn't entered her mind on purpose, but this was the same route she took on her way to the dining hall and she hadn't been in a mood to eat last night. Her stomach was behaving for now but she could feel the slight pang of being ignoring it. She chuckled at the possibility that this is how Sasha must have felt every 15 minutes, that warm feeling quickly became bitter sweet.
She had reached her destination and knocked on the door. Rustling was heard, then footsteps toward the door ...then footsteps away from the door. More indecisive rustling. A thud of acceptance and then hurried footsteps toward the door again.
"Hey Mikasa." Connie opened the door to greet her, his eyes were red too from recent crying.
"Hi Connie, I was wondering if we could talk?" This seemed less awkward in her head. He nodded and opened the door for her to step through. She followed him in to find a room much cleaner than she expected. He pulled out a chair for her after removing one of Sasha's sweaters that was resting on it.
"Before you ask, yes, I'm holding up okay." He sat on his bed.
"I... was going to ask you that, sorry." Mikasa hated that she was going to ask that standard question that she had hated getting in her life when this happened. But it was honestly the first thing that came to mind.
"It's okay, you're not a stranger so I don't mind you asking." He had a warm accepting smile like Sasha. It put her at ease. "It's not like you're one of the well wishers who barely knew Sasha.."
"I'm sorry I didn't look for you after the funeral yesterday... it was just as you said. Well wishing and polite people were overwhelming...."
"It's fine, me and Jean went for a drink after the service. He wanted to invite you but I figured maybe you needed to be alone."
"I did. At the time at least, but I didn't consider a lot of things. She's just... she's everywhere. Being in our room alone wasn't helping so I decided I might try to talk to someone who knew her as well as me."
"Sure, what's on your mind right now?" His tone was steady and he smiled weakly at her but it was a genuine smile.
"It's too quiet. Yesterday night was too quiet and this morning was too quiet. I'm being swallowed by it. I didn't realize how much I depended on her noise as a constant in day to day things."
"I know what you mean. For a split second when you came I thought that was her about to burst in yelling at me that we were going to miss breakfast." There was that calmness again in his voice. Mikasa was confused, she had expected him to be in a worse condition than her.
"May I ask Connie, how it is that you're so calm?" Mikasa was a blunt person at times, it had its gives and takes. Right now she could only see the massive take.
Connie breathed a deep sigh "I'm not calm. The best friend I'll ever have is dead."
Mikasa's gaze was broken by that and she looked away. "Sorry, I meant that I suppose I expected... "
"Anger?" Connie posed flatly without accusation. "Inconsolable sadness and despair?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, I'm honestly surprised too. It was no secret that I loved Sasha. Not a day will go by that I won't feel her not being by my side anymore. But I'm just not angry."
"..." It was hard to relate to that. Mikasa couldn't separate any of her feelings right now.
"Don't get me wrong, I was angry, when I lost my entire village. For while I was nothing but angry and hurt. Mostly at myself." It was difficult for Connie to relive this, that much was clear on his face.
" But then one day I took Sasha to see my home. She helped me realize that all the anger wasn't actually about them being gone. It was about me blaming myself for not being there, so she got me to say goodbye and it gave me closure. I wasn't angry anymore after that."
Mikasa was touched that Sasha had helped Connie in such a way. Learning about friends even after they were gone was something she had heard of, but it gave her a much warmer feeling than she had anticipated.
"I was worried my anger would come back, but it hasn't. I made sure I let Sasha know how much I appreciated her every day. No bullshit. Nothing left unsaid... nothing left undone." Connie smiled slyly until he realized where he was again. "..but yeah, no regrets and nothing to be bitter about. I'm just able to grieve."
"I can't say the same." It was a mess of things inside of her. Hurt, anger and loneliness. It was beyond her control affecting her composure, far from a calm matter.
"I've been struggling a lot with guilt. I wasn't there when she died, I never got to tell her the truth about what she meant to me. Now I never can." Mikasa thought back to that night with Sasha two years ago. Telling her about the nightmares, all the parts she left out...
"That's not true." Connie piped up trying to bring her back to earth. He made a serious face as he concentrated on what he was going to say next.
"...When you dipped your feet in the ocean for the first time, you couldn't believe anything could be so cold and the sound of waves hitting the sand was terrifying but also very peaceful. "
Mikasa darted her face at Connie "How did you know..?"
Connie continued as if she hadn't interrupted. "..When you tried your first drink, the smell of it stayed with you all night even though you could only drink one before making you feel queazy. You tried again when Eren left to get your mind off of it but that led to a whole night of puking."
"..." Mikasa told Sasha about the smell being the most memorable thing. Eren had gotten over his dislike of alcohol and picked it up fairly well so she thought it best not to mention it to him at the time they were trying it.
"And sometimes, when Sasha cuddled you in her sleep, you mumbled things to her. She would sometimes leave a pillow in her place and you would cuddle and talk to that pillow like it was her."
"I did that?" Mikasa didn't know whether to feel touched or exposed. Naturally, it was expressed discreetly as something in the middle that couldn't be identified by the observer.
"You did." Connie chuckled "I only ever got these stories from one person Mikasa. No one else saw this side of you, no one else was allowed to."
He went to pick up the sweater he put on the side and sat down on his bed, looking at it in his hands. "Sasha knew what she meant to you, even if you couldn't say it. She's always been able to know how much she meant to us."
"Please don't think she didn't know, she thought the world of you. She secretly loved when you had those bad dreams because for those little moments she could make you feel a tiny bit as safe as you made her feel."
Mikasa was speechless. She had been sat there listening to these stories, or well, memories. Things she had only shared with Sasha. She had assumed at one point it was just because she was the only person around at the time. Would she have been comfortable enough to share that with anyone else?
"She was so open with me, I wondered if it that ever came across ... I guess I forgot." Mikasa couldn't believe how much the reality had changed in her head.
"Don't feel too bad. Things can get complicated when you're too close to them. Especially when you hold on to it for so long. Believe me I know..." Connie kicked a bag next to him as he stretched out. Mikasa noticed the bag had a bunch of random messy objects inside it: poorly organised clothes, and one of Sasha's bows.. her favourite bow.
"Are you going somewhere Connie?"
"Oh umm yes. A promise I made to our mutual friend that I need to make good on. I'm heading to the her village in the mountains to pay my respects." Connie stroked the jumper and put it in the bag , his head darting back and forth looking for the missing addition he needed to make to the bag.
He jumped up and began sweeping the room while Mikasa sat and observed. Undoing all of the tidy work he had curiously put into organizing everything.
"I meant to ask why this place was so clean when I came in."
"It's a thing I do." Connie answered hurriedly while still sweeping. "Cleaning stuff really calms me down, gets me all centred and shit." Just like Sasha, Mikasa noted privately. He waffled around until he gave up and walked to his bag only to stare at the sweater. The very sweater he had just ruined his room looking for, already inside his bag. He closed it and hung it over his shoulder.
He stopped in front of her to consider something "Yunno... Sasha helped me dig graves for my family and got me to say goodbye to them. That was the one thing I never got to do when I learned they died. Maybe... talking to her would help you get closure."
Mikasa opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. It wasn't a bad idea, but still..."What would I say?"
"It'll come to you, trust me." His calm delivery was still bizarre to behold, but she did trust him.
"Right... I'll be heading out now, I'll be sure to find you when I get back." Connie made his way to the door. Seemingly forgetting that his guest Mikasa was in the middle of his room.
"Connie. This is your room." She said flatly.
"Oh shit yeah..." He genuinely forgot, finally there was the normalcy she had been missing. "Eh, I trust you... leave when you feel like it. Do what you gotta do Mikasa." He gave her a soft hug just like Sasha used to and he was out the door.
There Mikasa was alone in a room again. It will come to you hmmm.. It already had. That much she knew... and the pang in her stomach couldn't be ignored anymore. She needed to eat something before she made her next move. As she closed the door she made a note to come to Connie for advice more often.
......................................
The afternoon breeze could be felt on the ear more than actually heard. The innermost parts of the cemetery were so far away from any trees, the rustling of their leaves faded into white noise. It was just Mikasa and her footsteps, one after the other. Simple repetition, keeping the nerves hovering in her stomach. She had been here before, she was choosing to come here, nothing was waiting for her here. Then why was she so scared?
She didn't notice she was counting the steps until she stopped at an arbitrary number. A part of her must have remembered exactly how far her headstone was in the cemetery. She looked down to read the headstone: Sasha Braus, 834-854.
Should she stand and face the headstone or sit by it? Talking directly to a headstone felt awkward so she opted to sit with her back next to it. She brought her knees up to her chest and smelled the scarf around her neck. The feeling of comfort felt far away, but it was still there for her.
"So... when I left you yesterday, I went straight to our room. Not much to say, it was pretty quiet without you there. Somehow that made it more difficult to sleep." Mikasa shifted, she knew she was dancing around what was on her mind but whatever was about to come out would come out slowly.
"Then I talked to Connie this morning, he's coping rather well. We had a nice chat about you, hearing about what you did for him was amazing." She fiddled with her fingers. Stroking one thumb on top of the other.
"So you did know how much you meant to me all along. I was worried that you didn't and that I should have said something. .. and I still wish I did. I guess it was difficult finding the words to express what you meant to me. Sister could have been said a few times..." She breathed a deep sigh and buried her head in her hands, fresh tears were spurring a headache.
"And there was more... those nightmares I kept having, there were parts I left out." Mikasa looked forward into space, the memory in her mind as clear and image as the cemetery surrounding her.
"I told you about the bodies and the blood and the person who did it standing far away. I said I couldn't see their face, but that night you asked me about it.... I did see a face. Eren's face." Mikasa suddenly felt very cold but the breeze had not changed in the slightest.
"He was covered in blood, but it wasn't his. He wasn't happy or angry or sad, he was just there. The freest I'd ever seen him. He then looked at me across the bodies between us and that's when I woke up." Mikasa had secretly hoped for an answer, a reaction but she could only hear silence.
"I'm not sure what it means, I wanted to tell you about it for so long... but it was too scary, too painful." Mikasa looked down and stroked the grass, so lush and green in a place full of death. It brought up more painful memories...
"Horrible things have happened in my life Sasha. I've lost so many people close to me, letting anyone else in seemed impossible for a long time. Until you came along, the sister I never had. Losing you wasn't any easier and it opened up all of those old wounds. ...maybe the way to go forward is to be alone. Maybe that's how I can really escape feeling this pain-"
"-It's not." Mikasa was startled by the real voice answering back. She looked up to see Eren standing a metre away looking down at her.
"Sorry I thought no one else would be here." Mikasa was stunned. How long had he been there? How much had he heard?
"This seems private, I should leave..."
"No wait, you don't have to go. Please ...stay." She moved to the side to make some space available. Eren walked up to her and sat down next to her, all in a sequence of tentative movements. He moved a lot slower than he used to. Not because he was injured, more like nothing exciting was left to experience in his life.
"I didn't come to the funeral yesterday, but I wanted to say goodbye to her in my own way." He was looking far ahead in front of him his voice low and lifeless. As if he wasn't a participant in this conversation.
"I did too, that's why I came here." There was an awkward tension apparent to Mikasa at least. She wished she was better at steering situations like this. "How are you doing? It's been a while since we really spoke."
"We spoke in Marley. You helped me take the War Hammer Titan, it wouldn't have been possible without you. Thank you." Eren's response was flat, no strong expression in his voice.
"Is that all you can say?" She wouldn't accept this from him, not here, not now.
"...That dream you had about me. I assume you had it again recently?" The question was posed as if he was thinking out loud rather than being concerned.
Mikasa sat back stunned, stifling a gasp. He had heard everything, or at least, the important part of her monologue. She hadn't expected him here at all, those words were meant for Sasha. "I... did yes."
"As in, after we returned from the mission?" Still no life or love in his voice.
"Yes." Mikasa couldn't tell how he felt, or where he was going with this. It was unnerving her.
"Does it have a connection to what you said to me in Marley about there being no way to come back from what we did?" He looked at her now. She took that to mean he had finished his train of thought.
Mikasa couldn't say she had connected the two. She thought back to that night in Marley when she reunited with him. She had taken quick glances at his position during when she could: him protruding out of his titan in the middle of the plaza; him standing on the roof top looking at the War Hammer while she evaded it's attacks. She saw his face, and she knew she had seen that look before. A serene freedom, the same look he wore in the dreams she had.
"Yes. It's who you are now Eren. A part of you does scare me. You killed... children. Children younger than we were when we lost our home." Even saying it now was painful, she couldn't believe how long it had been since those days.
"I had no choice." Eren said flatly. He looked away again, but this time it was defensive. She was starting to reach him, she was sure of it.
"Didn't you?" She was emboldened, her thoughts and feelings were clear again. "Why did you have to hide in that basement with Reiner? Why did you have to talk to him?"
Eren looked at her, then looked away again. "There was no way in hell Willy was the War Hammer, but it had to be someone close to him. Someone in the audience. Weeding them out would have been easier with Reiner-"
"No! Tell me the truth Eren." She wouldn't accept a rational explanation from him, because she knew that wasn't why he did it. That part of him would never change.
There was a long pause. Eren picked up a few blades of grass and stared at them in his hand until he spoke. "...I had to see him Mikasa. I wanted him to know exactly what was happening and why. I wanted him to feel as small as I did that day." Eren's fist balled up tightly, crushing the green out of the blades.
Mikasa sat back and stared forward again. That was the truth of it. Those innocent people, those scared faces, those hopeless screams, those ruined lives. For a war they never asked to be in. Is the world cruel or do we make it so? "...and did you get what you wanted from that Eren?"
Eren's fist loosened with green tears, some of the crushed blades falling to the ground. "No. No I did not.... It made me sick to my stomach." He sat back and looked forward too. "I looked at him and he was this pitiful, broken shell of a person. He was begging me to kill him. and that boy..." Eren's voice was faltering.
"A boy?" Mikasa could sense her old friend coming back to her, she couldn't help but open this creaking door.
"One of our stowaways. A young boy who I used to get to Reiner and send the letter. I empathized with him because he was a lot like me. I used his kindness to destroy the home he loved." Eren looked down, tears of his own ran down his cheeks.
"Eren.." Mikasa wanted to reach out and hold him but she might scare him away.
"Marley would have crushed us with the War Hammer. I just thought I was doing what needed to be done.... and now Sasha's dead because of me." More tears were coming, the drops hitting the place Eren had ripped grass from in the ground. Mikasa was starting to feel tears down her face too.
"So no, Mikasa. Going it alone and pushing forward is no way to escape this pain. Because the second you stop to take to look back, it all catches up to you. It's a damn trap." Eren wiped his face and sniffed his nose, breathing the sigh of an old man. "But I have to continue, because this is all I have left."
Mikasa processed that for a while, she searched her mind for something, for anything to tell him.... then she remembered. She smiled faintly. "Eren. You told me something once when I lost everything. That we can't win without fighting."
Eren turned to her, she saw the same eyes he had when he was eight years old. She put her hand on his cheek and wiped away the tears with her thumb. "I wouldn't be here if you hadn't said that. Those words got me all this way.... I still believe them."
Eren smiled weakly at her, she continued to stroke his face and then moved her hand to his hair. She noticed he had tied it up into a bun and remembered another thing from their past. "Shouldn't you worry about your hair? it's getting a bit long."
Eren picked up on the full meaning of that and smiled back. "Hehe, it is getting a bit long, I suppose I got used to not cutting it... how short do you think it should be?"
"Hmmm your hair was a nice length when we first saw the Ocean." Mikasa beamed to herself as she reflected on dipping her toes in the ocean. "That was a lovely day."
"You're right, that was the day I got things clear about our true enemy." The sense of purpose in his voice was his alone, he had remembered that day differently to Mikasa. "I'll never forget it."
That had saddened Mikasa. For a moment they had connected like they used to, when things were simpler. But now she was reminded of the very moment when things changed. "I think it's getting a bit late, would you like to head back with me?"
"I agree. Let's go." He stood up and made his way off as if that entire conversation hadn't happened. That part of him that was still him, the part she loved, he could just turn it off like that. She stood up defeated, wondering how things had grown this cold. Then it hit her, like a blow to the head. A reason. The reason. She was able to express it right here, it could be too late but she had to try. She had to start expressing these things.
"Eren...." She called out to him. He was a few head stones away before he stopped turned around. "Yes?"
"..it wasn't your fault." She was standing there still in frint of Sasha's grave. He was stood there mirroring her. Like a fixed point in time and space. "Sasha, Hannes, Grisha, ..... Carla. You need to know that it wasn't your fault."
She couldn't say how long they stood there looking at each other. Eren said it all with his eyes. She saw that look once in Marley when they were stood on top of his titan. A look that said he was still in there, somewhere, and he wished he could come back. He parted his lips to start something, but then closed them again.
He turned slowly away from her but remained in that spot. "Are you coming?"
"...in a moment." She had done what she needed to. Maybe it was far too late, maybe it wasn't. What she was sure of was that she was done leaving things unsaid. She would make sure that those she loved knew that she loved them. She crouched down to trace Sasha's engraved name with her fingers. Farewell my dear sister.
Mikasa stood up and Eren continued walking forward at the same time. She followed him, keeping the distance between them as they left the cemetery. The breeze started to bite, she held her head high as she tightened the scarf around her neck.