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A few weeks ago, when Ren had decided to stage an attempt to finally accept his feelings for Nozomu, he found himself curled up in the corner of his bedroom, knees pulled into his chest, still reverting to his age-old tactic of denial. He never faced problems like this one. Throughout his entire life, whenever he developed a crush, his strategy was to never act on it, ignore his feelings, and metaphorically punch himself in the face until it went away. It usually worked.
This time though, it wasn’t working. He saw Nozomu every day. They lived together. They’d been in a band together for years. He couldn’t hide from Nozomu, especially because this red-headed, unfortunate crush of his was very loud and very intent on always spending all of his time with Ren. Sure, he should be happy to spend so much time with his crush—no, possible interest —but for someone like Ren, who was prone to overthinking and anxiety, this was horrible.
“Okay, Ren,” he’d tell himself, “you’ve felt this way about Nozomu for years. Just say it. Admit it to yourself, you little coward. You… you like him. I li—no. No. Shit. Abort mission.” He could never finish. He couldn’t bring himself to admit defeat. Accepting that you have a crush on someone is like signing a contract with the devil that will secure your certain and imminent death and delivery to Hell.
Ren was too young to die and too good to go to Hell.
Nozomu, unfortunately, made it impossible for Ren to avoid his feelings. He hugged Ren every morning before sending him off to school, and every afternoon when he came home. He constantly hung around Ren and talked to him while he did homework. He sat next to Ren at every meal. He played his bass as close to Ren’s keyboard as possible during rehearsals.
With Nozomu constantly in such close proximity, Ren was constantly thinking about him. His infectious energy made Ren want to cheer and jump around in ways that were completely uncharacteristic of the shy keyboardist. The way he smiled was like a knife straight to Ren’s poor little heart. He was just so… cute. So wonderful. He was amazing. And the way he cared for Ren meant the world to him.
Ren sat up and shook his head. It was two in the morning; he shouldn’t be fantasizing about Nozomu again. Or ever, really, but especially not now. He should be sleeping, not dreaming about what it would be like for Nozomu to hold him a little closer than usual and stroke Ren’s hair, gently kissing his forehead—
A small yelp escaped Ren’s mouth before his hands shot to his eyes. His room was pitch black, but he was positive he was blushing an embarrassing red. He needed to calm down. Maybe he’d go get a glass of water in the kitchen. Oh, that was a great idea. He wiped his eyes, yawned, and climbed out of bed. He’d take five minutes to pull himself together and go back to sleep.
He silently stepped into the common room. When he delicately opened the cabinet to pull out a glass, he heard voices from the living room area, so his immediate reaction was obviously to stop moving and listen, as any rational human being would. He couldn’t hear really well, as whoever was talking was being rather quiet.
“Are ya gonna say anything?” the first voice said, and Ren recognized it as Sora’s. It was odd to hear Sora being quiet.
The second voice let out a groan, one that was immediately identifiable as the one Nozomu used to make before school started every day. “I dunno,” he sighed. “I don’t wanna make him nervous, yanno?”
This was interesting. Ren took a glass from the cabinet and closed the door gently, trying to piece together whom Nozomu could upset and how he could do that. Did something happen with his brother? Ken, maybe? Mamoru? He figured he should just keep listening. Forget about the water, he was worried about Nozomu now.
“You can’t just go on like this, Nozomu-kun,” Sora responded glumly. “You’re in a band together. You can’t hide something this big.”
So it’s someone in SOARA, Ren thought. He furrowed his brow. Were Nozomu and Soushi fighting? He’d figured it would only be a matter of time, given their constant bickering. Hopefully everything would be okay.
“I’ve been hidin’ it since high school. I can keep goin’,” Nozomu huffed.
Ren frowned. Nozomu? Able to hide something for that long? He didn’t believe it, but he’d keep listening anyway.
Sora clicked his tongue. “Nozomu-kun. You’re hopeless. Something like this is gonna get in the way of our band if you don’t do something about it. You told me you haven’t been sleeping. You gotta do something, dude.”
“Well, I’m not gonna tell him!” Nozomu said, frustration filling his voice. “I can’t tell him.”
“And why not?”
“He’s gonna say no, Sora. You know that. There’s no way he’s—”
“Nozomuuuu! Don’t accept defeat without even trying! You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take, or something. You gotta tell him. ”
Nozomu let out a loud groan, and Ren heard him flop backwards on the couch. “But I can’t! I’m gonna tell him and he’s gonna say no and he’s gonna be afraid of me forever and our friendship is gonna fall apart and SOARA is gonna fall apart and I’m gonna wind up an unemployed mediocre bassist—”
“Nozomu-kun.”
“Hmm?”
“Shut up.”
“Sora-senpai!” Nozomu protested. “Ya said you’d listen to me! Ya can’t just tell me to shut up!”
Sora sighed. “Well, I can and I will. You’re being a coward, Nozomu. A blubbering little dumb coward. You’re a chicken.”
“Oi! Sora!”
“Chicken. Bawk, bawk. Chicken, chicken, chicken—”
“Well, what am I supposed to do?” Nozomu interjected. His voice sounded almost sad, defeated, and Ren was still completely confused as to what he was sad about.
“You go up to him and you tell him,” Sora commanded.
Nozomu laughed. “Oh, yeah, ‘cause that’ll work. I can just tell him. No pressure or stress or anythin’ around just… tellin’ him.”
“Well then, plan something, I don’t know! It’s not like I’ve ever had to confess before.”
Confess?
“Oh, that’s a great idea!” Nozomu exclaimed sarcastically. “Here’s my plan. I go to the florist and I buy a dozen red roses and I knock on his bedroom door and say ‘Oi, Ren, you should date me, I’m in love with you—’”
He stopped abruptly as Ren’s glass fell from his hand and shattered on the floor.
Ren couldn’t even process what was happening. His face was burning, his eyes and mouth were hanging wide open, and he couldn’t move his feet from where he stood. That last part was a problem. As he stared straight forward, Nozomu and Sora both stood up to see what the sound came from. Ren’s eyes met Nozomu’s directly, and he could see fear in Nozomu’s that matched his own. Both of them stood frozen, unable to speak, until Sora cleared his throat.
“…Ren-kun?” Sora muttered hoarsely. Ren took that as his cue to leave. He turned and ran as fast as his 169-centimeter frame would carry him, right out of the common room and into the hallway. He could go into his room and lock the door. That would be safe. He wouldn’t have to talk to Nozomu. The one issue was that, if Nozomu busted the door down, he would have no escape.
After about half a second of deliberation, he turned and sprinted up the stairs. He could hide on the roof. If worse came to worst, he might have to jump from the roof, but that wouldn’t cause any problems. In retrospect, he realized as he ran up the stairs, maybe he wasn’t too young to die after all.
Nozomu was probably too tired to climb stairs at two in the morning, anyway. No one as lazy as him would force himself through physical exercise in the late hours of the night. Ren figured he’d be safe up here.
As soon as he reached the roof, he slammed the door shut behind him and leaned against it, huffing for breath. Okay, maybe this wouldn’t be that bad. He just needed some time to process the information he’d just gained. Nozomu had feelings for him, and more specifically those feelings were love, and he’d been hiding them for just about as long as Ren had been avoiding the way Nozomu made his heartbeat skip.
But Ren didn’t love Nozomu, did he? He just… considered Nozomu a good friend. A good friend who was always kind and energetic and supportive and hugged Ren every day and looked out for him and was cute and beautiful and endearing and sang like an angel and— damn it, Ren. You’re not helping yourself out here.
The door behind him budged. “Ren?” came a worried voice from behind, one that sent Ren’s heart racing and the exact one that he wanted to avoid.
Ren didn’t say anything, but for some dumb reason his legs carried him away from the door so that Nozomu could come through, even though he was sure it was the last thing he could possibly want.
Nozomu carefully walked out onto the roof. His hands were shaking as he gently shut the door, his face framed in a pout, and Ren had to fight the temptation to just jump forward and hug him.
“Ren,” Nozomu started, looking down at his feet and wringing his hands. “You… you heard that, huh? What I said?”
Ren coughed. “Y-yeah. Um… I did. Sorry for eavesdropping.”
“Oh, that’s okay, don’t apologize,” Nozomu said with a clearly forced smile. “I should be apologizin’ to you. Sorry for throwin’ that on ya… ‘specially ‘cause ya don’t feel the same, I don’t want ya to feel guilty for that, it’s my fault for—”
“Nozomu,” Ren said sharply, shocked by his own boldness. “Like Sora said, um, you can’t accept defeat without knowing. You sound so certain, but… um…”
“You don’t have to say anythin’ just to make me happy, Ren,” Nozomu muttered. “Just be honest with me, ‘kay? It’s totally okay if ya tell me the truth, even if ya think it’ll make me sad.”
“Nozomu.”
“…Ren?
“I am telling the truth. I… I l-li—I like you. I do,” Ren stammered, trying his hardest not to bury his face in his hands. “No, I—Nozomu. I love you!” He exhaled deeply. When Nozomu stood in stunned silence for a few seconds, he continued. “I’ve, um, I’ve had feelings for you… since high school… I’m really surprised I didn’t make it obvious, um, but, Nozomu, I do like you! I like you a lot! So, don’t try to hide anything from me anymore, okay? Um… y-yeah. So.” He took a deep breath and looked up, meeting Nozomu’s eyes no matter how much he wanted to look away. “I’m in love with you too, Nozomu.”
Nozomu blinked silently. “You… you really…”
“Yes. I really am,” Ren reassured him.
After a moment of hesitation, a wide grin spread across Nozomu’s face, and his dull eyes filled with sparkles, shining back to their usual overflowing energy. “Rennnn!” he cried, lunging forward and engulfing Ren in a tight hug. It wasn’t Nozomu’s typical hug—it was tighter, warmer, more passionate than usual, like all the feelings he had held back were rushing forward at full speed. “Ren, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love—”
“Wh-whoa, Nozomu, c-calm down,” Ren stuttered, trying to breathe through Nozomu’s suffocating grasp. “I, um, I love you too, but please relax.”
Nozomu chuckled and loosened his grip. “Sorry, sorry.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“I love you.”
“How much are you going to say that?”
“So, so much. As much as I can. To make sure you never forget.”
Ren pulled his head back to look at Nozomu, whose eyes were literally glittering with joy. On the other hand, Ren was quite flustered, but he was happy, too. He’d slayed the monster that was his emotions. He confessed. He was very proud of himself, really.
“So, um, Nozomu?” Ren asked, looking off to the side.
“Yeah?”
“What… what does this make us?”
Nozomu tapped his chin. “Uh… Are we dating now? Are you my boyfriend?”
Boyfriend. Ren swallowed. Well, it would make sense. They’d both confessed that they loved each other, and that must be the logical next step. “I think we are, and, um, I am,” he said.
“So, then, as your boyfriend,” Nozomu began, a mischievous grin spreading across his face, “can I kiss ya?”
Ren’s face instantly turned bright red. Right. Kissing. He honestly didn’t think he’d ever get this far. He wasn’t prepared for this.
“U-um, I, um, I-I guess, um, y-you can, you can k-kiss me,” Ren managed.
Nozomu’s face lit up, even though Ren hadn’t thought his smile could possibly get any brighter. “I’ve been wantin’ to kiss ya for so long, Ren,” he whispered, his voice overflowing with happiness. Ren couldn’t help but smile just as wide.
Ren felt Nozomu’s hands gently run through his hair, his friend’s— boyfriend’s —eyes locking with his before fluttering shut as he leaned in timidly. Nozomu’s lips hesitantly brushed against Ren’s, as if he were almost afraid. “It’s okay,” Ren said quietly, and Nozomu took that as incentive to really kiss him, pressing their lips together more confidently.
It only lasted a couple seconds, but as Nozomu pulled away, Ren thought his heart was going to leap out of his chest and off the edge of the roof. He opened his eyes slowly to see Nozomu smiling warmly at him, almost radiating light in that way he did, like he was the sun rising up at dawn.
“I love you, Ren,” Nozomu said.
“I love you too, Nozomu.”
Nozomu pulled Ren into another tight hug, and Ren couldn’t help but smile over Nozomu’s shoulder. He was happy. He’d never thought that developing a crush on someone could ever bring him anything but anxiety, but with Nozomu, now that they had both confessed, the only feeling in his heart was happiness.
“Nozomu?” Ren muttered, still leaning into his shoulder.
“Hmm?”
Ren turned and carefully kissed Nozomu’s cheek. “May you be happy,” he whispered.
In reply, Nozomu stroked Ren’s hair softly and placed a kiss on the top of his head. “And, Ren, may I be with you.”