Work Text:
Thor looked around the field impassively, his fingers unconsciously clenching the body of his axe tighter.
They’d done it.
They had somehow, against all odds, managed to retrieve a set of infinity stones and reversed the damage that Thanos had done. The universe was back to normal, and those who had turned to dust when Thanos snapped his fingers had returned as well. Thor watched as the captain embraced his friend, the both of them clinging on to each other tightly, their faces full of relief. He watched as Tony Stark drew the child/teen - he didn't know who that kid was - into his arms, expressing more genuine emotion than Thor had ever seen - or ever expected to see - on the man. The field was in an uproar, full of joyful cheers from the heady knowledge of victory, and the relief that everyone had found their loved ones, wrapping them in heartfelt embraces and shedding their regrets. Reversing the damage done by the infinity stones allowed those who had perished under the influence of a stone to return, and the Avengers had managed to revive Gamora, who had apparently been trapped inside the soul stone after Thanos used her as a sacrifice in order to obtain it.
Thor looked away from where Quill and Gamora were reuniting with each other and the rest of the Guardians, feeling a thrum of resentment run through his heart.
They had done it, they had saved the world and defeated the bad guy. So why did everyone get their happy ending except for him?
He felt a light touch on his elbow, and turned, seeing Bruce standing behind him, the scientist’s eyebrows drawn together in a concerned frown. “Thor,” he murmured softly.
Thor turned away from him, chuckling humorlessly, “Loki is known as the god of mischief, he said so himself. He’ll turn up. Eventually.”
The god of thunder whirled and stalked away, leaving Bruce staring after him with worried eyes.
Over the next few days, Thor studiously avoided the rest of his friends. He smiled and greeted them as per normal of course, and tolerated when the little rabbit dragged him towards the rest of his crew, allowing them to draw him into their midst. Only Gamora and Mantis seemed to understand what he was going through, and they always made sure the rest of the Guardians didn’t push him too much with their attempts at cheering him up.
A part of Thor wanted to rage at them, at the rest of the world, to bring down the fury of a thousand storms because why was it so unfair? Why did everyone get to save their loved ones and he didn’t? Why did they get to get them back but he couldn’t undo the deaths of his friends? Of his parents? Of his brother? Why was he the only one who had to lose everything? At least he’d had a few years to come to terms with Frigga’s death, and Odin had been far too distant even near the end. But Loki, his sweet, mischievous, tricky little brother. His other half in life who he had just gotten back, who he had finally managed to reconcile with had been ripped from his side so brutally and suddenly. How was it fair that everyone could get their loved ones back, even Gamora could return to Quill's side, and yet... And yet, his brother, his people and his friends were all dead, unable to return. It wasn't fair to him, but Thor also knew, that it wasn’t fair to his friends if he took out his anger on them. They had done nothing but sought vengeance against Thanos, to defeat him for the sake of the ones they loved. They had hoped for this outcome but had not banked on it actually happening. It wasn't their fault that Thor was the only one who lost everything but there were days where looking at them with their loved ones only sparked an inferno in his chest, making him wish to strike down anything and anyone, to punish them as he had been punished. It wasn't fair to his friends at all, so on the days where he couldn’t hold in the rage anymore he teleported straight to Norway, on the cliffs where he had met his father for the last time and let loose the inferno that burned within him, letting the storm consume him entirely. He screamed himself hoarse each time, wishing desperately that he could find some way to join his family in Valhalla because why? Why was he made to go through all these? Why was he the only one who couldn’t save the people he loved? Why was he given all this power if he could do nothing with them?
Each time his rage overtook him and threatened to overwhelm him completely, he always felt a ghostly touch brush against his skin. No matter how deep he was into his rage, no matter how consumed he was by the storm in him, he always always felt that cool touch. It’s chill sucked the white hot fury from him almost instantly, calming him more effectively than anything else in the world. It was that singular touch that raised his hopes and crushed them each time. All throughout his life, there was only one person who could calm him down, who could draw him out of his berserker rage, and no matter what happened between them, he would recognise the cool balm for what it was. And every time he blinked back into consciousness, his heart would be crushed with devastation that his hopes were nothing but empty dreams.
He tried to be strong for his friends, tried to smile for them. But it was getting harder and harder each day. He was no longer the same person as before, who lusted after war and longed for the thrill of a fight, adrenaline surging in his veins. No, he had outgrown that phase a long time ago. Odin once said, "A wise king never seeks out war, but must always be prepared for it". And Thor was deeply ashamed that he could only understand it, truly understand this piece of advice now, when it was all too late.
He had no throne, no realm to rule over, for Asgard had been destroyed long before Thanos arrived.
He had no people, for Thanos had not killed them with the Gauntlet, he had unleashed his children upon them, had slaughtered them mercilessly. Those that had the chance to survive the massacre had only been blown to pieces when the ship had been consumed by the power stone.
He had no friends, for Hela had killed them, and Heimdall had given himself to provide Midgard with a warning.
He had no family, because all of them were dead, if not by his own hand then by his own incompetence.
On the days where his rage did not come, where he had no salvaging and rebuilding to help with; those were the days that Thor hated. Because he had nothing to distract his mind with, and the most prominent thought of it all was: why was he still here?
Thor tried to reason with himself, that his mortal friends were here now, and that they needed him. But more often than not, Stark, Banner and the princess of Wakanda would gather together in their labs. The Colonel - Stark's friend - would, with the Widow and Rogers confine themselves into a meeting room with Wakanda's king. Everyone else had things to do, a purpose in life, and what did Thor have? He was no longer a foreign dignitary, for he had no people to rule despite being a king. His powers were great, but the mortals hoped for a peaceful time, and Thor did not want to shatter that peace either. Despite his powers and strength, he could do nothing.
"You're really going to just sit there and mope all day are you?" A voice whispered snidely in his ear.
The sound was so close to his ear that Thor startled to his feet instantly, his eyes widening in disbelief. "Loki?" he breathed, scanning his room desperately.
Nothing but silence greeted his ears. Thor swallowed, clenching his fists. He could have sworn that he heard his brother's mocking drawl, it had been as clear as day, but -
"Loki if this is one of your games, I will not play it." The god of thunder growled, his brows furrowing.
Still, nothing but silence echoed loudly in the room.
"Loki stop it," Thor whispered, his voice breaking slightly, "Please. Don't play with me like this. It's not funny."
When nothing answered him, Thor stumbled backwards and collapsed onto his bed, smothering his face with his hands, his fingers digging into the side of his head.
A hallucination, he thought morosely, he was thinking of what his brother would say if he were here and his mind had supplied him with the voice.
That was all.
He stamped out the burning hope in his heart and refused to acknowledge the huff of annoyance he thought he could hear.
Thor took to wandering the forests of Wakanda in his free time. He was grateful to the generosity of the king of Wakanda, but being enclosed in his room made him agitated, and he longed to feel nature under his feet again. He was dressed in casual mortal clothing, not unlike the one he wore on his trip to London, with Stormbreaker sitting comfortingly on his back. The Wakandans' technology astounded him. Tony's tech was amazing, Thor wouldn't begrudge that observation, but it was alien and seemed to be far beyond his understanding. Wakanda on the other hand, had technology that both amazed and filled him with nostalgia. He hadn't been present at first, but when Wakanda activated their shields once more, he had been stunned by its similarity to Asgard. Even the technology they used for transport and for their sick were so similar to what Asgard had, that Thor's head spun. He loved the similarities, he did, but at the same time, it did nothing but dredge up bittersweet memories of his home, of the times he and his friends would harry off on some adventure and return only to his mother's scolding as she dragged them to the infirmary to clean the wounds they got from challenging one too many beasts.
It reminded him of Asgard's shield, impenetrable and infallible until it wasn't.
The memories tended to overwhelm him, and so he sought the comfort and familiarity of nature, allowing himself to be taken in by the natural dense forests that surrounded the city. As he trekked, he felt the weight on his shoulders slowly fall away, the familiar buzzing of insects and the rustling of leaves in the humid wind settled a part of his heart. It wasn't enough of course, but they took the edge off his thoughts and let him breathe.
A hissing sound caught his attention, distinct from the mundane buzzing of the other creatures. Thor frowned, tilting his head slightly. He followed the sound, pushing leaves and branches away from him until he reached its source. His lips curled up slightly at the sight, the lines on his face lightening for the moment. A bright emerald snake was coiled up on the soil, half covered by dead leaves. Thor instinctively reached out, hushing the creature who coiled further. He knew that the king had warned him of the brightly coloured animals being poisonous, but Thor had merely shrugged it off. A millennia of hunting, adventuring and living with Loki meant that Midgardian poison would do nothing more than give him some discomfort. He crouched down, trying to call the snake towards him. He loved them, a lot, and he didn't mind sitting on the soil if it meant that he could gain this creature's trust.
The thunderer didn't know how long he sat there, but eventually he found himself with an armful of reptile. He grinned at the creature, feeling triumphant at having been able to coax this creature into his arms. He stroked its scales, marvelling at the coolness of the animal's skin. The snaked reminded him of Loki, of the times his brother would turn into some sort of reptile and surprise Thor by changing back into his bipedal form in a split second. The notion was compounded by the fact that the reptile was in his brother's colours of emerald and black.
"You're a sentimental fool." His brother's voice sighed, as Thor knew he would, the sound nothing more than a breathy whisper.
He just smiled and continued to stroke his newfound friend, "No more than you are brother." He replied.
Since the first time he heard it, his brother's voice had come every day after, always only when he was alone, only several sentences and only mocking words. He had been wary at first, always balancing on the razor thin line between anger and hope. A part of him always expected to see Loki appear before him, a mocking sneer on his lips even while his eyes betrayed the sentiment he claimed not to have. The voice kept coming back, and after awhile, Thor just couldn't find it in himself to care anymore. If it meant that he could hear his brother's voice again, he would take any type of mocking any day. He sat in the forest until the sun descended from the sky, accompanied only by his brother's voice and the bright green snake.
"So uh," Tony began, fiddling with his Starkpad, "Since when did Thor become a herpetologist?"
Bruce blinked, looking up from the television, as did everybody else. They - the original Avengers - were all lounging in the common room of the palace wing that T'Challa had cleared out for them. Despite what had happened previously with the Accords, their time and experience against Thanos with only each other left had mended something between the divided group. Nothing was ever going to be the same again of course, but there was room for new compromises. The rest of the Avengers had been sent back to the Compound while they worked out the issue with the Accords - because no legal document was ever going to cover the happening of an apocalypse.
"I'm sorry, a what now?" he said, frowning in confusion.
Rhodey raised an eyebrow at his best friend, "You just made it sound like Thor has herpes."
Tony rolled his eyes, "Seriously?" He complained, wriggling his fingers at his best friend, "I wouldn't be that mean to Point Break. I mean, its Thor, the guy looks like a kicked puppy more than not nowadays."
Rhodey let out a fake sigh, but then grinned good-naturedly. He hadn't seen Tony this relaxed in a long while, and he would not begrudge his friend the opportunity to be immature. He couldn't believe he was even thinking this, but Rhodey wished for the days when Tony acted like a child more often than not. At least then, he didn't have that haunted look in his eyes and the fake smile that he pasted on to pretend as if he wasn't falling apart.
"No really," Steve frowned, "What does that mean?"
Tony sighed, the only sign of his discomfort with the captain being the tenseness in his shoulders. They had worked together well enough, put aside their differences and let Ironman and Captain America take the reigns. But as Tony Stark and Steve Rogers? Chances were that they were never going to be more than colleagues. "Herpetology is the study of snakes and a herpetologist is a person who studies snakes." He recited, looking at his screen, "Or at least, I'm hoping Google didn't fail me, otherwise I'd have to take over."
"And this is relevant how?" Natasha piped up, a disbelieving look on her face.
Tony's own eyebrows raised in incredulity. "You gotta be kidding me. Right? Please tell me you're kidding and that somebody has noticed the number of snakes Sparky has been smuggling back into the palace. He's got like, what, five of them? I'm pretty sure they're all poisonous by the way."
Perhaps it was the use of 'sparky' in conjunction with the topic of snakes, but suddenly Bruce didn't feel so confused anymore.
"So what? The guy decides to collect a few snakes. Everybody's got a weird hobby." Rhodey interjected.
"Bruce? You okay?" Natasha asked, drawing attention to their resident jolly green giant.
"I -" he licked his lips, "Shit, I don't know how I didn't see this before - I mean, I was there but -"
"Woah hey, Brucie bear," Tony murmured, gently grasping Bruce by the shoulder, "Relax, breathe, okay? What's going on?"
Bruce sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly, the mounting sensation of dread doing nothing to help him. "You guys know that Thor and I, we were on some planet called Sakaar right?" He asked, "I was the Hulk at the time and Thor had landed on that planet?"
Steve nodded, a frown marring his face, "Yeah you told us that."
"Look," he said, shifting uncomfortably, "Don't interrupt me alright? I gave Steve and the others the short version," he said to Tony, who nodded confusedly, "After - well, after Ultron, I left and somehow managed to go through a portal and ended up on this planet called Sakaar. They had gladiator fights and according to Thor, I - or rather, the Hulk - was the champion of the gladiator rings."
The scientist looked down and fidgeted uncomfortably, having not gotten over the fact that he had been the Hulk for two years. "I don't know how Thor got to Sakaar, but yeah, we were on the same planet. What I didn't say before cause Thor clearly didn't want to mention it, was that Loki was there as well."
That got him some startled reactions, but true to their word, they bit down on their comments and nodded for him to continue.
"Long story short, Thor had to save Asgard and its people from his evil sister, and the three of us, me, him and another Asgardian called Valkyrie, we needed a way to get to Asgard. In order to do that we had to try and work with Loki, but he betrayed Thor somewhere along the way so then it was just the three of us again. We went to try and save the civilians from Hela - that's his sister, but she had us trapped with no way out. I was pretty sure that she was gonna kill all of us, but Loki came back to Asgard with a ship that was big enough to hold all the remaining civilians." Bruce took a deep breath, pressing a palm to his head, "I don't - I'm not clear on what exactly happened but Thor and Loki basically made up and they both ran the ship we were on and -" he cut off, a stricken look crossing his face, "I don't -"
"Breathe Bruce." Tony muttered, rubbing his shoulders comfortingly.
Bruce shuddered, "Thor told us a story, back on Sakaar, and I didn't really know what to believe at the time but - he said that he loved snakes a lot, and when they were kids, there was one time where Thor picked up a pretty snake to admire and it turned out to be Loki in disguise and when he transformed back, Loki stabbed him." Bruce grinned wryly, "I guess it was true because Loki couldn't stop smiling after that."
He looked down, licking his lips, "And then, I told you we were on that ship. According to Thor, we were headed here, to Earth. But then Thanos came. I don't - I'm not sure what happened after I got thrown to earth but, Loki was there, with Thor, standing against Thanos." He looked up to meet all of their eyes, "I didn't see him when Thor came down, and he didn't appear after we saved the world."
"Shit." Tony cursed, leaning back into the couch with a huff.
"So Thor is collecting snakes, because of this?" Rhodey asked, his eyebrows drawn together in a stern frown.
Bruce shrugged, "I don't know honestly. I don't - I don't know Loki that well, and I don't really understand their relationship either."
"What are the chances that the guy just faked his death and then fucked off to the other end of the galaxy?" The billionaire asked.
"Not high." Thor's voice replied.
All of them jumped and turned around, the thunder god standing at the doorway, a dark look on his face.
"Man, we need to put a bell -"
"Loki is dead. Again." Thor said, his lips stretching into a smile so painful and heartbreaking that the Avengers had to look away. "He died saving my life."
Natasha pressed her lips together and steeled herself, "I hate to be the bad guy here but, how do you know -"
"That he's really dead?" Thor interrupted. He shrugged, staring emptily at the wall, "I don't, not for sure. I was angry, previously, when I found out that he'd lied again. That I had to mourn him again. Now?" he tilted his head back up, laughing humourlessly, "Now I can't close my eyes without seeing Thanos slowly choke my brother to death, then crush his neck and drop his body in front of me, all while I was too useless to do anything."
"Thor..." Steve whispered, standing up and reaching out a hand to the other man.
The thunder god shook his head and stepped away, turning to leave the room, "I understand that you have grievances about my brother for his actions against Midgard. But he is still my brother, and I wish so much that I hadn't told him to come back, that I had allowed him to stay on Sakaar, because I might have never seen him again, but at least he'd have been alive."
Whatever mood that had been in the room died a swift death the moment Thor stepped into their conversation. Each of the Avengers saw the heavy weight on Thor's shoulders, the grief that he so desperately tried to hide lining his face as clear as day. All of them stopped to think - really think - for a moment, and realized that while they celebrated the return of their loved ones, and of having saved Earth from Thanos, Thor had in turn, completely lost everything. Tony remembered the Guardians, had the fortunate opportunity to meet Gamora - who also scared the crap out of him -Nebula's sister and the alien who had been murdered by Thanos in order to retrieve the soul stone. Tony remembered having been able to save her from her death, reuniting the Guardians who were so much more of a family that it made the genius ache just looking at them. He realized now, how fortunate, how lucky they had all been. They had sought after Thanos with vengeance in mind, and had the reward of having their loved ones returned to them.
But Thor?
The god's family and people had died before Thanos ever snapped his fingers. His entire planet had apparently been destroyed before Thanos ever even found them. His best friend and his brother had died at the hands of Thanos and his children, not at the hands of an Infinity Stone. He could have revived his people with the power of the stones. God knows that Thor was more powerful than all of them and could have snatched the stones from their grasps to use it for himself. But Thor had instead turned away from that power, entrusting the stones to Tony, knowing that as much as the god truly desired to, there would be no controlling himself if he allowed himself to use the stones to bring back his family and friends.
"What do we do?" Tony asked softly.
Nobody had an answer for him.
Thor had meandered back into his room, smiling slightly at the snake that had coiled up on his bed. He walked over and ran a finger along its head, the reptile shuddering under his touch. The thunder god sighed and slipped onto the bed, mindful not to sit on the snake that had apparently decided to make itself comfortable on his sheets. T'Challa, who had heard about his sudden collection of snakes, had requested politely that Thor release the snakes back into the wild, citing concerns for the safety of his people as well as concerns for the wellbeing of the animal. Thor had acquiesced - mostly - he had released them all after leaving his fellow avengers, but had decided to keep this one. The first snake he had seen. It reminded him too much of his brother, and even now, he could almost picture his brother rolling his eyes.
Thor had been joking - sort of - when he told Valkyrie and Bruce about the little snake story when they were younger. It struck a chord within him to hear Bruce telling the rest of the Avengers the story, a kind of bittersweet taste in his mouth as he remembered the happier days. He had been so angry then, running straight to Frigga to tell her about what Loki had done, but now, he would give anything if this snake were to turn to Loki now and stab him.
The reptile in question flicked its tongue at him, its black, beady eyes boring into Thor's. Thor smiled in response, wondering if he was projecting his thoughts onto an animal that likely had no idea what was going on. He stroked it again, feeling a slight wind tickle the back of his neck.
"You should be letting go." His brother's voice whispered, sounding wistful and hopeful at once.
Thor just focused his attention on the snake, who seemed to be looking at him inquisitively. "I don't know how Loki." Thor choked, keeping his eyes firmly on the snake. Just barely, at the corner of his room where his vision barely registered, he thought he could see an outline of a figure clad in dark green leather. "You promised me," he continued, "On that ship. You promised me that the sun will shine on us again. It is Midgard's summer, I'm apparently in one of the hottest countries on Midgard and still I am waiting for the sun to shine."
There was completely silence as Thor held his breath. Then -
A fleeting touch on his cheek, and a whoosh of air much like a sigh.
"You always were demanding." His brother whispered, and the presence disappeared.
Thor smiled. He didn't care if he was going crazy, if he could spend the rest of his life hearing his brother's voice and feeling his presence, he would be fine.
Thor didn't allow himself to hope - much anyway. He had found some sort of balance within himself. He could hear Loki's voice, no doubt, just as he doubted that Loki was still alive. It didn't matter to him though, hearing his brother's voice - now whispering in his ears more often than not - again helped him get through the day. He was still grieving for the losses he suffered, but Loki's presence at his side - where his brother should always have been - was enough to stave off the crushing weight of despair that threatened to overwhelm him. On days where he felt like giving up, where he felt that his living was meaningless, the simple touch on the back of his neck and the furious hissing of his brother's voice in his ear helped him to stand up tall and lighten the weight of the darkness in his heart.
Thor found a new routine. He still continued on his day, helping around with the Avengers - when some upstart villain decided to wreck havoc on innocent civilians - or in Wakanda, doing heavy lifting or even just helping to train the Wakandan warriors in fighting against an opponent whose roots weren't human. There were some days that he couldn't stand to remain on Midgard, and so he traveled out once in awhile to meet up with the Guardians, invited by the little rabbit who had brought him to Nidavellir.
He enjoyed their company, a ragtag group of friends who were basically a family unit. It reminded him of his own band of friends, and while that was still an aching wound within him, he found that the ache wasn't as fierce as before. His friends had fought bravely and valiantly against his sister, and had perished in the defence of their home. He took comfort in the fact that he would see them in Valhalla one day. Thor found himself being able to laugh with the Guardians, who were so insane and free that it allowed him to lower his guard around them. He also took pleasure in Loki's comments whispered for his ears and his ears only. It pleased him to know that his brother was still hanging around, and he found himself replying several times, though he always made sure that he was alone when he replied.
It was one such case, where Loki had rolled his eyes - Thor had felt it - and Starlord's futile attempt at deepening his voice. Normally, Thor would merely huff a little, hiding a smile and berating his brother for his mocking comments only when they were alone. This time, he had been so caught up with the Guardians, that his mind had registered Loki's voice as one of the people clamouring over each other in the chaotic conversation they were having and slipped.
The ensuing silence had been abrupt as each of the aliens realized he was addressing a person who didn't exist to them and who - by his own words - was dead.
The Guardians all stared at him, with varying degrees of shock.
Thor froze for several seconds, then laughed loudly, waving his hand at their astonished faces. "I'm fine!" he chortled, wishing that he could wipe the concerned glances off their faces.
"Thor," Rocket murmured, his ears flat against his skull. "Your brother's dead. You told me."
Thor smiled patronizingly, "Yes but Loki is known for his tricks, he has found a way back to me despite all that has happened."
Gamora stepped forward, laying a hand gently on his arm, her face softening with understanding and concern, "Thor, if your brother is truly dead, you know this isn't possible."
Thor shook his head, his smile fading, "He's here." He insisted, "I have spent centuries beside my brother, I know his voice when I hear it."
They shared another concerned look.
Quill had a stricken look on his face, but mustered the courage to ask anyway, "You see him?"
The thunderer shook his head, "No, just his voice." At their disbelieving looks, he growled, "I know my brother's voice! I am not mistaken!"
"Thor, we're not saying that you're mistaken," Gamora placated, gripping his arm tighter, "We just - we want to help you. You're our friend, and you're grieving -"
"You don't believe me." Thor snapped, shaking her off. He took several steps backwards, meeting the eyes of all his space-bound friends, "I'm not crazy!"
"That's what they all say." Quill muttered under his breath.
It was a comment that was likely to have gone unheard, but Thor was Asgardian, and he had superior hearing. In the close confines of the Milano, he heard the words as clear as day.
The thunder god shook his head disbelievingly. He took a few more steps backwards, then called upon the Bifrost. His world flashed with iridiscent colours as his friends' shouts echoed in his ears.
The Bifrost spat him out on the newly mowed lawn of the Avengers Compound. He crumpled to his knees, crushing the blades of grass between his fingers. He didn't know how long he spent kneeling in the grass, but it was apparently long enough for Tony to come out and shake him into awareness.
"Hey - Point Break? You okay? Big guy, I don't know if you've noticed but you're kinda soaking wet."
Thor blinked up at the genius, belatedly realizing that rain was falling harshly in large droplets. The skies darkened in accordance with his mood, and thunder roared loudly.
"I - I'm not crazy." Thor whispered, "I swear - I don't - you have to believe me -"
Tony swallowed a pointed comment that Thor looked the very definition of crazy and instead grabbed the god's arm, trying to pull him up, "Hey, hey listen, why don't we get out of this crazy rain and into shelter where we can dry off and talk. That sound okay?"
Thor nodded mutely, allowing the mortal to pull him to his feet - with great effort on Tony's part because hey, Thor was six foot of solid muscle okay? - and usher him into the compound. Tony was slightly freaked out as he guided the god to change out of his wet clothes, and passed him a towel for him to dry himself. He had never seen the god so shaken, not even after Wanda had - back then - done her mind voodoo on all of them. The normally confident stature was now hunched, his skin pale and drawn, a far cry from his usual sun-kissed golden.
Tony pressed his lips together and started a batch of hot chocolate, gently passing a steaming mug into the god's hands.
Sitting beside him, the genius asked softly, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Thor didn't respond for several minutes, in which Tony just decided to pick up a tablet and continue his work from where he had left off before Thor had arrived with an explosion of sound. He sat close to the god, trying to give the other man a sense of comfort even if he didn't want to talk.
"I hear my brother sometimes." Thor finally muttered, his eyes staring blindly into his cup.
Tony nearly had a heart attack at the sudden sound, but convinced himself to be responsible and mature and asked, "How often?"
Thor shrugged, "Every day perhaps. For the past several months. I don't know. I hear him speaking and commenting on everything. My clothes, my friends, whatever I do, or whatever I see, I hear his voice. Sometimes it's just Loki being Loki, other times..." The god trailed off.
Tony swallowed, "And uh - you're positive its him?"
He raised his hand placatingly when Thor glared at him, "I'm not crazy." The god repeated, "I know my brother, I recognize his voice."
"Hey now, I'm not saying you are." Tony replied, when Thor levelled him with a disbelieving look, he insisted, "I'm really not! Look, okay, we have this thing on Earth called psychology. Alright? It's the study of the mind. And well, sometimes, when we've just lost someone close to us, well, there's the chance that we might hear or see the people we love."
Thor shook his head, "I'm not - It's real. I know it is."
Tony felt his heart break at the sight of the god struggling to convince himself that what he had heard was real. "Thor, buddy, look." He waited until Thor met his eyes to continue, "Look, you lost everyone," the genius said gently, "Your brother is - was - your greatest confidant and your best friend. It's normal to grieve for him. Alright? It's normal. But you can't let that grief rule your mind, you gotta let go Thor."
The thunder god stared at him with mournful eyes, "I can't." He whispered, "I can't give up on my brother. Not again. I've - I've already given up on him so many times - I can't -"
Tony slid closer to the god and rested a hand on his shoulder, "Thor, what happened was not your fault. Alright? There's only one person to blame, and he's dead. Loki's death is not on you."
"Why shouldn't it be?" Thor laughed brokenly, his hands clawing at his face, "I was so useless against Thanos. I swore to protect my people and I failed. I manipulated Loki into coming back and because of that he's dead. He faced the being that tortured him for a year without fear because of me. He could've run you know?" The god said, "He could've put up an illusion and ran and never come back but he stayed because I asked him to and now he's dead."
Thor looked at Tony, "What kind of hero am I that I can't even save my brother? What good is it that I have all this power and yet I couldn't do anything but watch as he was murdered?"
Tony had no answer to that.
Several months later
Thor made his way back into the room that Tony had cleared out for him in the Compound. They'd just returned from another battle, this time against a Midgardian sorcerer. Thor had volunteered to help protect Midgard - as was his oath, however much worth that was now - several months ago as a part of the Avengers. Despite facing the end of the world, there were many mortals that had eventually felt compelled to challenge the heroes who had been broken up, testing their mettle and seeking to exploit the innocents. Thor joined the others - led by Stark - in battle, throwing himself into the adrenaline rush that the battle offered and lost himself in it. During the battle, he had little time for things other than the immediate threat. The adrenaline allowed him to forget his worries and the reality of his life now. The aftermath of the battle though, was one that he hated, because all the things that he had studiously ignored during the fight would come rushing back as his mind cleared from the battle rush.
As he collapsed on the bed provided, Thor sighed. He felt drained, exhausted beyond belief, as though he was being crushed under the weight of reality. Not for the first time, Thor wished, fervently, that he had perished in the battle against Thanos, if only because then he didn't have to wander around aimlessly, watching his friends move on with their lives. It wasn't as though he wasn't happy for them, he was, he truly was, he would never wish on them the feeling of losing everything. But there were days when he took one look at the Avengers - the two broken halves managing to find a middle ground in their principles - at how happy they were from recovering what they had lost, and resented that happiness. It made him feel guilty, but he still felt it nonetheless.
The truly bad days were the days where he wished to throw himself off a cliff. There were several times that had happened during a battle, and Thor reasoned with himself that, well, he was built differently from his human friends, he could withstand more - so why shouldn't he take the blow? He'd gotten a severe dressing down from a harried looking Tony as well as the new Avengers commander they called Captain Marvel for his reckless behaviour. It confused him, truly, because he wasn't actively killing himself, he could truly withstand a stronger attack compared to his fellow avengers. It was what he told his friends, who had only given him a horrified look, and told him not to do so again.
Thor only nodded and vowed to be more careful, though that didn't stop him from taking the - in his opinion - necessary risks.
(Of course, if he were to die in battle - that would just be a bonus.)
Thor rubbed his face tiredly, falling onto his pillow with a groan. A soft chuckle echoed in his ears, and he felt a presence brushing against his neck.
"You really should listen to your friends." The voice whispered, somehow sounding stronger and clearer to his ears.
Thor growled, fighting the urge to turn back, "I would expect that you of all people wouldn't encourage me to listen to the Avengers."
He could almost hear the eyeroll, jolting at the sharp pinch of pain at the back of his neck. Thor slapped a hand over the area and turned over, his eyes wide.
"They make a lot of sense." Came the whisper again, sounding just a touch angry, "You're taking far too many risks. You need to stop, or you'll die."
Thor grinned sadly, "At least then I'll get to see you again, won't I?"
The silence that reigned was filled with palpable shock.
Another sharp pinprick pinched at his neck, and Thor once again clapped a hand over the area, this time jolting upright. Before he could say anything, he felt the air tremble as the voice of his brother hissed, "Do not ever speak like that again. If you die by your own reckless hands I will drag you out of Hel and eviscerate you myself."
Thor could only grin at the concern he could hear in his brother's voice. If there was anything that could convince him that he wasn't hallucinating, it was this.
Everything came to a head on a sunny Thursday afternoon.
The Avengers - the new group - had been called out for battle against one of their older enemies, Victor von Doom. The Latvarian ruler had created a new batch of Doombots, and - according to Tony - a new weapon as well. From what Thor heard from Ironman, the weapon in question was supposed to be capable of destroying the Hulk. Now compared to the others and those on Midgard, the Hulk was near invincible. But Thor - and Banner himself - both knew that there were things out there who were capable of defeating the Hulk. It made the two heavy hitters wary to be out in the presence of the weapon of mass destruction, but they needed the firepower to stop the numerous waves of doombots that threatened the lives of civilians. Tony had flown off to meet Dr Doom straight on, having identified the weapon on his person. With him was the Wasp, who was tasked with dismantling the weapon from the inside out.
Doctor Strange set up a magical perimeter, confining the robots within several blocks. He was floating in midair, trying to unravel the spell that Doom had weaved into his bots to make them sturdier and more invulnerable to their attacks. War Machine flew around the perimeter, trying to destroy as many bots as he could, covering Strange from coming under attack.
It took many tries - more than necessary - but both Thor and the Hulk eventually managed to smash - or hack, in the god's case - some of the bots to pieces. Thor had learned the hard way not to use his lightning, because doing so had only supercharged the bots and gave them more firepower. Thor growled and slammed Stormbreaker down on the joint of one robot, the metal screeching and crunching under pressure.
He was unsettled.
His instincts were screaming at him that something was terribly wrong, but he couldn't pinpoint what exactly was the problem. Adding to his stress was the fact that the voice of his brother - usually accompanying him in battle with a dry sarcasm as well as some helpful advice - was missing. The absence of his brother's voice rang in his ears despite the cacophony around him. Devoting a part of his mind to the battle present, the other part of his senses kept a close eye on his teammates.
Everything happened in a split second.
Thor heard Tony scream in pain, Ironman dropping like a rock from the sky. He whirled and saw the Wasp enlarge, reaching out to catch him, but in that moment, Doom was free from the two Avengers. And a moment was all he needed. The sorcerer flashed away and teleported behind the Hulk, his weapon primed and aimed. The Hulk, who was dealing with several robots and had his back towards Doom, had little more than a second's warning before the weapon was fired.
Thor didn't think, he just used the power of the Bifrost and leapt in front of the blast. A flash of light was all the warning he got before excruciating pain set his nerves ablaze. Thor screamed as the blast burned through metal and flesh, the agony eating away at his body. He remembered the power of a dying star, and wondered vaguely through the pain, how a mortal managed to harness its power. After what seemed like eternity, the fire vanished, leaving behind only searing agony. He crumpled to the ground, Stormbreaker falling out of his slackened grip. He barely felt the jolt as he toppled to the asphalt, his vision swimming. He heard, as though through several windows, the enraged roar of the Hulk and the frantic cries of his friends. His fingers twitched, but he found no energy within himself to respond.
Vaguely, he heard an animalistic snarl that he knew instinctively didn’t belong to any of his friends. It was accompanied by explosions and an unholy screech before everything fell into silence.
The last thing he heard before the world turned black was his brother hissing angrily in his ear, “I told you not to die you idiotic buffoon.”
Tony Stark had faced many terrifying things in his life. He had faced death in Afghanistan, had to deal with the terror of having his reactor taken straight from his chest. He had come face to face with Thanos’ army, and even Thanos himself.
None of that terrified him quite as much as watching Loki rip Doom to shreds.
The god had literally appeared out of nowhere.
One second, Tony was shouting for the Hulk to get out of the fucking way, and then he was shouting for Thor - who had jumped in front of the blast like a goddamn idiot and had been hit with the damn weapon and fucking collapsed - for his team, for anyone to just get to Thor because he’d never heard the god scream like that before and he never ever wanted to hear that again and the next second, Loki was there.
The god had appeared between one blink and the next, a look of utter fury on his face as he stood on the roof Tony had fallen onto, taking in the scene stretched out before him. Tony wasn’t afraid to admit that he had been terrified when the god's attention had instantly zoomed in on Doom - who had been cackling - and snarled so gutturally that Tony had instinctively flinched. Doom had heard the sound too, but by the time he registered the threat Loki had already appeared in front of him.
Tony found himself frozen - a primal sort of fear locking his joints - and consequently had front row seats to the way Loki had proceeded to rip Doom into tiny pieces. The genius had the presence of mind to be very very glad for Doom’s tendency to use a metallic copy of himself, because he didn’t think he could stomach watching the god tear apart a living human. Because that was what Loki would have done even if Doom had been present in person. The Latvarian ruler had no chance to even defend himself before Loki had torn his magical defenses to shreds, only having time to vocalize an unholy screech as the god ripped his metallic body apart with his bare hands. The resulting carnage was horrifying and all that was left of Doom were nothing more than bits and pieces of scrap metal that no one could ever hope to fix back together.
Tony could do nothing but watch - frozen on his perch - as Loki then teleported to his brother’s side, his hands glowing a bright iridescent emerald as it hovered over Thor's chest.
It had taken more than several seconds, and he wasn't afraid to admit flinching when Loki turned and stared straight at him, snarling for him to get medical help. Normally, he would have taken offence to the tone the god had been using, but the human - mortal - part of his brain helpfully reminded him about the ease in which Loki had ripped apart a being that had been giving even Thor trouble tearing apart.
He had called it in, his voice steady even as his hands trembled, requesting for medical aid as fast as possible.
Tony steeled himself then and landed beside Loki, pushing his surprise and fear to the back of his mind. "He'll be fine." he murmured, "We've got help on the way."
He didn't expect a reply, but the god had hissed darkly, "If he dares to die, I will drag him back screaming from Hel and eviscerate him myself."
The first time he came into something that resembled awareness, the only thing that he registered was sound. He heard a familiar voice murmuring in his ear, and he strained to make out the words. No matter how much he tried to claw his way out of the darkness, the abyss was relentless around him. Exhausted, he fell back into sweet oblivion before he could make out what the person was saying.
The second time he came into awareness, he heard the voice again. Happiness filled him when he recognized the voice as belonging to his brother, somehow sounding much louder and closer than ever before. He wanted to reach out towards his brother, but he didn’t manage much more than a twitch before the darkness claimed him once again.
Thor truly woke up a week after the battle. An incessant beeping sound assaulting his ears. He groaned slightly, feeling a bone-deep ache encompass his entire body as he shifted, his chest oddly heavy.
“Thor.”
He blinked slowly, trying to clear his vision. The image in front of him slowly came into focus, revealing the figure of his brother sitting on the edge of his bed.
The god of thunder smiled dopily, “I didn’t know it was supposed to hurt in Valhalla. Expected a little more - excitement.”
Loki snorted, although his fingers curled into fists unseen by Thor's side, “You’ve had enough excitement to last you a lifetime I believe. And no, this isn’t Valhalla, it’s Midgard, your precious realm.”
Thor frowned, shifting slightly, “I don’t - I don’t understand. I - you’re not real, are you?“
Loki raised an eyebrow, “You spent all this time believing I was and now you don’t?”
Thor’s frown deepened, “You - I - what? I don’t - “
He was cut off by the sound of the door opening, Bruce peeking in. His friend nodded at Loki, his brother sliding off the bed to allow the mortal to check on Thor. The thunder god accepted the doctor’s gentle ministrations, confusion still running through him.
“You seem to be healing fine,” Bruce said, ignoring the affronted scoff from Loki as he stood, angling towards the door. “He just needs bed rest, lots of it.”
Thor glanced between his brother and Bruce, “Wait," he called, halting the doctor in his steps, "You can see my brother?”
Bruce frowned momentarily, then it smoothened out into a gentle smile. “Yes I can.” To Loki, he said, “Make sure he gets enough rest.” Then he left the room.
The door closed behind him, leaving Thor alone with his brother.
“I - you’re here.” Thor murmured softly, “You’re really here. This is not my imagination?”
Loki sighed and came back to sit on the bed, the mattress sinking beneath his weight. “I’m here.” He said, repeating the words he had told his brother after returning from releasing Surtur.
Thor pushed himself up slightly, hissing at the ache in his chest. He reached out a hand, stopping millimeters away from Loki’s body. The younger god’s face softened and he raised his own hand, grasping his brother’s.
Thor gasped at the contact. He lurched upright, gritting his teeth at the intensifying ache in his chest.
“Thor you idiot don’t move around so quickly, I did not spend so much time healing you just so you can -“ Loki snapped, trying to push his brother back onto the bed.
Thor ignored him and instead yanked Loki towards himself. The elder god wrapped his arms around his brother, burying his face into Loki’s hair. The trickster god’s eyes widened momentarily, then softened. Loki shifted and wrapped his arms around his brother, relaxing into the embrace, feeling his brother trembling.
“I should have given you this hug when I had the chance.” Thor whispered regretfully, his words slightly muffled. “Instead I had to watch you die again because I was not strong enough and was left to regret all the things that I should have done but I didn’t.”
Loki sighed again, running his hand over his brother's scalp lightly. “I’m here.” He repeated again. “I’m here and I’m not leaving. Not again.”
The trickster god drew back, looking Thor in the eye, "I promised that the sun would shine on us again."
Thor turned to look out the window, where the sun was shining brightly and threatening to blind all those who dared to stare straight at its radiance. The thunder god smiled and turned back to his brother, wrapping his brother in another embrace.