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Lance doesn’t get nightmares all the time. Considering they’re in the middle of a war he counts it as a blessing. When he does get them though, they tend to make up for lost time. They can be about the past, the present, or the future. it doesn’t change how they end, always with blood and death everywhere, always his fault. Always wakes up screaming silently. Sweating and shaking.
Tonight is one of those nights. He couldn’t go back to sleep so he sits in the observation deck, wrapped tight in his blankets, staring up at the projections. He’s not sure how long it’s been sense he came out here. it’s late, he knows he should go back but the idea of laying there in his thoughts is worse then the sleep deprivation. At least here there’s distractions.
Lance can hear the sound of footsteps coming towards him but he can’t bring himself to look at who it is. He hopes maybe if he doesn’t look the person would walk away. Maybe they would think he fell asleep and leave him be.
“Lance…?” A soft voice whispers.
“Hey, Keith,” He replies, uncharacteristically monotone. He should have guessed, really. Keith after all, was known to get up at odd hours of the night. He was probably on his way back to his room and saw the lights from the projection. There’s an awkward silence, Lance could break it. could make a joke. Give Keith, who is clearly unsure what to say in the strangely tense atmosphere, a break.
He could do anything but that would require spending energy he just doesn’t have. His tongue felt swollen, his jaw tight. The idea of opening his mouth makes him feel disgusted. Usually he would feel bad for not doing something to ease the situation but right now, right now he’s just tired.
Kieth finally took the last few steps necessary to reach Lance’s side and sat down next to him. “What are you doing out here?” Keith asks, looking at him. Lance nods towards the projection of their solar system, “Watching the stars,” He deflects.
“You know what I meant, Lance. Why aren’t you in bed?” Keith asked, frowning.
Lance fiddled with the edge of his blanket, the soft texture helping calm him ever so slightly. “I couldn’t sleep,” He shrugs. Glancing over he could see Keith looks uncomfortable. Lance ran a hand through his hair. This is difficult for Keith, Lance knows it. Keith was never good in these types of situations, but he’s trying. He should at least make it easier for him to leave, Lance would prefer it honestly.
“I’m fine. Just a nightmare, no big deal, Mullet,” Lance jokes, smiling. It’s obviously forced. The words feel gross on his tongue. He doesn’t feel like joking, or talking for that matter. He feels like an old wound, ripped open and exposed. Keith is the last person he want's to see him this state. He hates when he gets like this.
It must be obvious to Keith too, because his frown only worsens. “If it’s upsetting you then it’s a big deal to me,”. There’s worry in Keith’s voice. It strikes a nerve Lance didn’t realize was raw. “Keith, really, it’s fine! Don’t worry about me,”. Lance smiles again at Keith, hoping he would take the chance. Clearly this was the wrong thing to say because Keith huffs in frustration “Lance, I'm trying to help you, just shut up and tell me what’s wrong.”
Lance actually laughs at that. How is he supposed to shut up and also tell Keith what’s wrong? He wants to poke at it, Change the subject, but Keith is making an effort to reach out to him. If Keith is willing to try then he should to, even if he isn’t sure he wants it.
It’s harder for Lance to start then he would like to admit. Part of him wants to be able to keep this part of him to himself, but the other part wants desperately to talk to someone else about it all. He leans back on his arms, letting his head fall back to look fully at the projection.
“Do you ever miss someone you hate?” he asks. Keith isn’t sure what this has to do with anything but takes a moment to consider the question. he thinks of his mother who abandoned him, the conflicted feelings fresh again from The Blade. He nods even though Lance isn’t looking, “Yeah, I do.” The deep honesty in his voice helps Lance push himself to continue.
“I just-” Lance pauses, taking a deep breath, “I hate it, you know?” He asks looking over at Keith with wide eyes, as if Keith does know, he doesn’t. Doesn’t understand where this is going but he nods anyways. It must have been the right thing to do because Lance smiles at him. It’s sad and it hurts Keith to see it, but anything is better then nothing.
Lance looks back up at the projection. “I hate missing him,” He says quietly, as if if it were any louder his voice would shatter. “He’s a horrible person, right? " shouldn’t care if I ever see him again but here I am, worried about him." He let's out a self deprecating laugh that doesn't help the growing worry. "How messed up is that? I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s giving me these nightmares again,” he stops. Another deep breath, Slow and deliberate.
Keith waits for Lance to keep talking, but he doesn’t. So Keith pushes “Is that why you’re up, a nightmare?”. Lance nods slowly. Keith isn’t sure what to do with this information. Where does he go from here? He decides to state the obvious. “I don’t know who you’re talking about, Lance,”. It’s blunt but he doesn’t know what else to say.
Lance laughs, short, and painful. Keith hates it. hates seeing him upset. “Right, sorry,” Lance says, shifting forward, he pulls his arms back into his lap, playing with his fingers, a old habit. “My Dad. I’m talking about my Dad."
Keith frowned, confused “I thought you were close to your family?”
Lance smiled, this time more genuine. “Yeah, I’m close to my family. I love my family, but that doesn’t mean all of them are good, family is complicated”. Family IS complicated. Lance knows that. He can see it in the scars on his knuckles, hear it in the echos of memories better left buried. Yet here he is, talking about them, with Keith no less. He must look so weak to him.
Lance ran his hands against his blanket, back and forth, a steady rhythm. He can see Keith in the corner of his eye, shifting between uncomfortable and annoyed. Lance wants to save him the trouble. Wants to get up and tell him not to worry, pretend this never happened. He’s about to do just that when Keith speaks again.
“At least your Dad is alive,” Keith says and maybe it’s colder then he intended, but the thought of hating a parent when you’re lucky enough to have one alive and well, and there for you, pisses him off. After all, He can't be that bad if Lance is still close with him. He regrets his rash judgement, quickly, seeing the hurt on lances face. Watches it morph into anger.
Lance stands, letting the blankets fall. “Fuck you, Keith,”. it comes out quiet and cold but he doesn’t care. Couldn’t Keith see how painful this is for him? he just needs to get away. It was already hard enough to start talking but to have it thrown back in his face is so much worse. To just do that when he’s already clearly on the edge of breaking down. He's storming away before he even realizes it.
“Wait- shit, wait, Lance!” Keith trips on the blankets, his voice desperate. Getting up after him, he grabs onto Lances wrist to stop him. “Lance, I’m sorry. I know-” Lance rips his wrist out of Keith’s grip, turning on his heel. “You know you said something shitty? Yeah! you did, Keith! Where do you get off saying that?” he yells, pointing his finger in Keith’s face. It takes more then Keith expected to keep himself from stepping back. Lance's face is the picture of rage, it's something Keith had never seen before and had never expected to see, let alone be the cause of it.
“You don’t know anything about my family or my Dad, Keith! ‘At least’ my ass! You know what I had a nightmare about?” Lance is in his face and yelling loud enough to wake the others. Everything is moving so much faster then Keith could control. He didn’t mean for it to spiral like this but Lance was already barreling forward.
“Do you want to know what I had a nightmare about, Keith? Why I couldn't get myself to calm down and go back to sleep?" He demands, emphasizing his name, making Keith flinch. "I was maybe, 12? My Dad was screaming at my brother threatening to kill him. My dumb ass, decided to stand up for him, like an idot! And do you know what my Dad did?" He asks Keith but doesn't give him the time to answer, It's not as if he could anyways. His stomach was twisting worse with each word.
"My Dad shoved me against the wall by my throat. He squeezed my throat so tight I couldn’t breath, Keith. I was seeing spots, I thought I was going to die!” He’s yelling and oversharing, but he’s in too deep to stop himself.
“I grabbed at his hands and kicked at him, Keith, but none of it mattered. My sister rammed into him so hard we both fell. She was screaming at him but I could barely tell because I was trying not to die! Back then I thought he was going to kill us, I really did. That’s what I dreamt. that instead of him leaving, after he threw my sister. He just keeps going.”
Lance Laughs, he’s hysterical and he knows it.”I’m so lucky, right?” He’s vaguely aware of the terrified look on Keith’s face but he can’t stop now. His hands are shaking, eyes glazing over falling into the memory. He can barely get air into his lungs.
“All I could see was him slamming her head into the wall until there’s blood and brain matter everywhere. I see him go into the bedroom and get the revolver he thought we didn’t know about- It was all my fault- I shouldn’t have- and I-” His words are breaking apart between his frantic breaths. “and here I am, missing him?! Worried about him?! What is wrong with me!”. He's practically screaming by the end of his sentence.
He can’t breath. He’s not sure when he started crying but he can feel the tears slipping down his cheeks. His chest is so tight, he can’t, he can’t breath. Why can’t he breath? Everything is too much, too close. Everything is touching him it needs to stop touching him, he can’t breath. His throat is closing, his clothes are too tight. His skin is too tight, he can’t breath. He can’t stop. He can’t breath.
Lance doesn’t know how he ended up on his knees, or when Keith joined him. Keith reaches out to him and Lance flinches back. don’t touch him, everything needs to stop touching him. Too caught up to see the hurt flash across Keith’s face. He’s speaking, but Lance can’t make it out when he's busy gasping for air.
Keith is freaking out. One minute they’re fighting the next Lance is yelling about his family and hyperventilating. It’s his fault, Keith thinks. He should have been more tactful. Lance just said he hated this guy, was clearly upset about it and you had to bring your shit into it? Great job, Keith. You fucked it up again.
“Lance, there’s nothing wrong with you, okay? You can’t change how you feel. Family is complicated, right? you said so yourself.” He wants to reach out, to ground him but it’s clear that wouldn’t help Lance, So he keeps talking. “That stuff, it’s not your fault” He's panicking, Lance isn’t calming down, He’s getting worse.
Keith tries to think of what Shiro used to do for him when he needed to calm down in the garrison. “Lance, can you hear me?” he asks. When lance slightly nods Keith lets out a sigh of relief.
“Okay, that’s good. Now I need you to look at me, can you do that?” It takes a minute but he does it, looking Keith in the eye, he nods weakly, body shaking. “Good. Can you take a deep breath?” Lance tries, really he does. but he can’t. his lungs feel like they’re collapsing and he just can’t. he shakes his head vigorously.
“That’s okay! That’s okay. Can you count with me? If you can’t that’s okay, just, just listen…” Keith remembers Shiro coaching him the same way, he desperately hopes this helps. Lance as much as it helped him before.
Keith get's to six when Lance starts counting with him. It’s rough, in between gasps but he’s doing it. Slowly his breath is evening out. “Can you try to take some deep breaths again?” Lance does. They’re shallow at best but he’s making progress.
By the time Lance has calmed down enough to sit back, he’s sweaty and feels thoroughly embarrassed. To break down in front of Keith like that, he should have just gone back to his room at the start. He knew he wasn't in the right mindset to have any conversation but Keith seemed so willing to listen, and really he needed someone to do just that.
Keith is slowly reaching towards him, when Lance doesn’t pull back he rests his hand on Lance’s arm, squeezing gently. “are you good now?” he asks. Lance laughs weakly because yeah, no. He’s not, but he’s breathing again and that’s something. “I’m good enough, Keith. Thanks,”. He says softly.
Keith smiles fondly at him, relieved. and wow. Lance doesn’t know how he feels about that. Not the time to think about it, but if he blushes a little at least it’s too dark for Keith to tell. Lance shifts into a more comfortable position, leaning against the wall.
the moment breaks as Keith lets out a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Lance. I wasn’t thinking before,” He says earnestly, making sure to lock eyes with him so it was clear he meant it. It was hard for Keith to say but he needs to. Needs to make sure Lance knows he didn’t mean what he said.”I was taking my feelings about my family out on you,”. His face open and honest.
Lance shrugs, but Keith can see his shoulders relax. Lance smile turns sly as he glances over to him. “it’s cool." He shrugs. "It’s hard for you to see someone as perfect as me can have problems too. I get it.” Keith is shocked into laughter. his head falling back. it’s beautiful, Lance thinks. And wow what he would do to make that happen more often is probably shameful. Not the time, he thinks again.
Keith leans back against the wall next to him, their shoulders brushing. “You’re right, Lance. how will I ever cope?”. He’s smirking at Lance and Lance is probably going to combust. “Don’t worry, Samurai. You’ll find a way.”
If Coran finds them sleeping there in the morning, heads resting on each other, well, no one else has to know.