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i want to be skinny. i want for my ribs to stick out and my hip bones easy to see. i want to be able to run my hand along my ribs and feel the gaps in between each one. if i was to stand and for there to be a gap between my thighs.
i want to be pretty. if i were skinny i would be pretty. starving myself of what i want because my skin needs to be clear and my bones need to be seen. i've lost the stars in my eyes.
i look at myself in the mirror and i see the way my stomach is beginning to protrude and my abs are slowly fading. i keep a mental note to not eat dinner nor lunch or breakfast for the next 4 days. if i get to the point of needing something in my body i'll eat a grape or two.
if my members pressure me to eat something i'll make way to the restroom and stick my fingers down my throat to gag myself and puke it all out. the acid might burn my throat but in the end it will be worth it because i might turn pretty.
i think my smile is ugly and my cheeks are too puffy but the others beg me to think otherwise. they say i have a enchanting smile and they wish theirs looked the same. i smiled and told them they're insane if they think they aren't pretty.
because they all are. jeno with his dreamy eye smile, his black hair. jaemin with his pretty teeth and pretty skin. chenle with his adorable laugh and happy personality. jisung with his small features and frail body. renjun with his beautiful voice and boisterous attitude. and you, with your pretty everything.
i lie in bed in one of my old sweatshirts and i notice the way it's starting to loosen up and grin to myself. i hop of my bed and grab a sweatshirt i wore as a trainee, and it fits perfect. i'm down to a small.
the others ask me questions and ask me if i've lost weight. i nod my head and smile saying that i've just been working harder and that i'm starting a diet. they give me looks and tell me to make sure i'm staying healthy. they ask if the diet is healthy.
i always answer them with smiles and laughs so they don't see that i don't like myself. they call me pretty and tell me i'm talented and i smile and thank them. they can't know i won't think i'm pretty until my bones are protruding and i can barely walk on my own.
i keep track of what i eat and what i do throughout the day. i write down how much i've exercised and how many calories i had lost.
when i lay down on the dance room floor i look at myself in the mirror and see how my stomach is lower than my ribs and lower than my hips. this is a good sign. i think the members might've picked up in what i was looking at by the way i was poking at my stomach. they shot worried glances at one another.
i lightly pinch my stomach and some skin comes up between my fingers. i'm still fat. i need to try harder.
i wake up the next morning, earlier than the others. i grab my clothes and a towel before i leave my room to shower. i turn the shower on and let it slowly fog up the bathroom mirrors before i take my clothes off.
i'm too ugly to want to see myself.
when i get in the shower i use my hands and rub on my hips. i can feel my bones easier than i did a week ago. this is a good sign. i pull my legs together, ankle to ankle and look between them. the gap is slowly growing, but it's coming and that's all that matters to me.
i look at my arm and i can see my bony wrist and i turn my hand up, palm to the floor. my arm is decorated in pretty pink scars. along side them is some fresh markings that i can't take my eyes off, so i reach for my razor and use it to make a few more.
it's just a regular razor, used to shave legs but it has three blades and that's good enough for me. i make more cuts along with the newly healing ones. the blood drips and i quickly shove it under the water and let the blood wash away before i put it back where i had it before.
crimson liquid is dripping down my arms and i am memorized by it. i lift my hand up into the air and watch as it flows down my arm in pretty red lines. i giggle lightly, i feel so pretty.
i feel so pretty with red liquid running down my arms onto my torso and down my thighs. seeing it on my thighs gives me another pretty idea and i grab my razor again and make cuts along my thighs.
i watch the crimson infused water spiral down the drain and my vision starts to blur. i hear them knocking on the door and shouting my name but i can't move, i collapse to the floor. my body hitting the ground must of caused a loud noise because i could hear the commotion of the others yelling for me.
why must they want to see me now? i'm not pretty yet, but maybe i am. i look down at myself and i see the crimson liquid pooling around me and i giggle. i'm pretty again.
i hear the door break open and i hear the sound of the curtain being shoved aside. the muffled scream that i would guess came from jaemin and the whimper that could only come from jeno. then i hear my name being screamed out and i want to flinch. i can't.
"donghyuk!"
am i pretty now mark? the stars are calling, and i'm ready to go home.