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"Am I empty?" Zhenya asked her voice trembling and even unsure. She didn’t know what to think anymore and her thought where spiralling out of control
Yuzu scoffed, "What are you talking about?" His voice was puzzled and Zhenya could see the confusion written across his face—he’d been expecting a reaction to do with her loss at the Olympics and not this
"Don't you remember," Zhenya speculated as though Yuzu wasn't there. She couldn't help but have that day burned into her memory. It had been one of the worst memories from the entirety of her first senior year and Eteri had comforted her.
Eteri.
She had told her she wasn't empty and reassured her that there was something to her. She’d believed in her when she didn't and couldn't. She’d rebuilt her ego and restored her confidence and brought her to so many victories. But she’d abandoned Zhenya and turned on her when Zhenya tried to move on and make the only decision that she could. The only problem was that now if no one now thought that she consisted of anything than maybe she was just empty. A husk of a girl or a ballerina in a music box.
"Your first senior Grand Prix final year," Yuzu said after a few moments as though he was reluctant to say it. Zhenya looked towards him but the dark haired boy refused to meet her eyes and instead hung his head allowing his bangs to cover his dark eyes that she knew so well.
Zhenya cleared her throat audibly and forced a smile to her face, "Yes." Her voice shook a little but she forced herself to say resolute.
Yuzu reached out to her and grabbed Zhenya’s shoulder his hands scorching her. His eyes now where fixed on her face and were desperately earnest. "I didn't know you back then and I changed my mind by worlds. You know that."
"Yes," Zhenya repeated stronger now. Her hands twisted against each other and she regretted the fact her nails are stubby and short and don’t dig into her palms when she clenches her fists.
"You know you can talk to me Zhenya," Yuzu offered and Zhenya almost believes him. She can't quite though—someone’s always needed something from her and the last thing she needs is Yuzu using her story in his next performance.
"Yes," Zhenya repeated. She couldn't open up if she did it would be like her damn skate only a few hours ago when she couldn’t stop all of the tears from falling. If she could just ignore all these feelings then maybe they'd just go away but if she spoke about them Zhenya didn't know what would happen. They'd explode out like a dropped glass; an accident but one, which would still hurt everyone around her and then they'd all hate her.
Yuzu chuckles and that and chucks her chin and Zhenya feels a frown rise to her face, "I love you and all Zhen but you're a rubbish liar." He smiles at her encouragingly and it's blinding like sunshine and Zhenya blinks blearily. "What's up?"
Zhenya shook her head free from his hand. He loved her. She shook her head again she couldn't deal with that now. The last person who had claimed to love her had just abandoned her to give the gold medal to Alina besides Yuzu was always overly familiar with everyone unlike herself. Every touch meant something if it was from Zhenya but with Yuzu his touch was careless, thrown away and unguarded. Zhenya was scared sometimes that someone would break him when he gave his heart or trust away easily and as much as she hated his willingness to see the best in people it was her favourite trait of his.
"You were wrong," she says mimicking his chuckle but it's harsh grating at her ears and obviously fake.
Yuzu narrowed his eyes confused, "I'm wrong. What about now?"
"Me being empty," Zhenya’s voice broke on the last word finally and a tear escapes. The first one since Yuzu had come to her and held her promising that everything would be fine now he was was with her. He'd whispered meaningless comforts into her ear as he'd held her and she'd stopped crying. But he couldn't protect her from what was inside her and the fragments of glass that seemed to run in her blood. "I wish I was empty," she needed to fill the silence because in the silence she can think too much. "If I was empty I wouldn't hurt so much."
He wiped away the tear with his too hot hands and Zhenya can feel her cheek flush from the contact. "I was an idiot when I called you empty. Your hurting now because you cared so much. There's nothing wrong with loving people to much and wanting something with all your heart.”
"But it makes me vulnerable and then I'll break again. And if I'm broken then everyone will hate me because no one cared about me when I first started except for what my skating gives them and once I don’t win the gold than I’m useless. If I’m not winning than who am I but a girl trying to be something I can't be," Her voice was slow at the start but accelerated until the words were slipping off her tongue out. " And I wish I was empty, could hide behind a wall just like I did at the start. But Eteri made me break down all those walls until it was just me and I let her because she promised that she knew what was best for me and that this is what I had to do win. She made me feel so I could win and I can't stop feeling and I just want to turn this all off. I want to be empty and numb."
She only realised that tears are tumbling down her cheeks out of control when Yuzu pressed her into a tight hug. Her tears sunk into his jacket and she wanted to stop crying and to pull herself together but the more she tried the faster the tears fell. Zhenya could feel Yuzu stroking her dark hair and his voice vibrating against her chest but it's as though it's happening to some one else and she couldn't even remember what Yuzu was saying to her. "I'm sorry," she mumbled into his chest but she knew he probably wouldn't understand.
If he had Yuzu would just pull her face up to his and tell her she had no reason to be sorry, as she hadn't done anything wrong. Once he'd lectured her about how it's a common phenomena in youth and if she wanted to be a good skater she had to learn to own all her actions on or off ice and never miss the beat regardless of what was thrown at her.
They sat upper halves locked together for seconds, minutes or hours until Zhenya’s tears finally dried up and the strength of her grip on Yuzu’s jacket waned. Finally he pulled away from her and Zhenya pulled on every shred of strength to allow herself to sit ramrod straight and not collapse into him again. His eyes appraised her like the spotlight from the musical and Zhenya squirmed in her seat shifting from the attention, which Yuzu had fixed upon her.
"You better," he said gently his tone as light as his hands on her hair earlier when he'd held her.
Zhenya nodded twice. She felt less full as though she'd cried everything out of her purging herself of all her regrets and flooded away all her feelings. Now she just felt delicate like she all that held her together was hair spray, pins and bubble gum.
"I think so," Zhenya said eventually after a pregnant pause almost compelled to fill the silence and she needed to say something to alleviate the worry she could see written across his face. He was supposed to be happy and warm like the sun and she was just dragging him down into the same unhappiness that she was currently languishing in.
"Perfect," Yuzu said quietly forcing Zhenya to lean in to catch the second syllable. The magazines were right she noticed idly. Yuzu smelt like Christmas or more precisely fir tress and Zhenya can't help but smile.
His phone rang jolting Zhenya’s back into the real world and she can see Alina’s name pop up on the caller id. For some reason Zhenya felt jealous. He was meant to be here for her not Alina. She could had the gold medal and Eteri and Daniil. Why was she calling Yuzu as well
He shot her an awkward grimace before picking up the phone and pressing it to his ear. He spoke in a confident low voice and Zhenya didn’t try to make out his words she didn’t want to. So she sat there waiting for him to finish his call until she saw him smile. It was one of his 1000W smiles, which lit up an entire room and warmed Zhenya to her toes but it's not for her this time. This time it's for Alina. He held her yes but nothing she said made him happy or made him smile instead she just made him sad until he was like her.
Zhenya forced a smile to her face swallowing back both her defeat and the bitterness of her jealousy. Standing she walked to the door in short uncertain steps unwilling to leave yet finding it impossible to stay. She paused leaning against the door waiting for Yuzu to hang up not wanting to leave without saying goodbye. Finally the phone beeped off as Yuzu hung up and he looked around for a second his eyes unfocused until they landed on Zhenya.
"I'm gonna go now I think," Zhenya said with the same fixed smile on her face but her cheek muscles where starting to hurt and Zhenya hated herself for lying to herself and Yuzu but she had to. She'd broken down once already.
Yuzu looked puzzled as though he'd done something wrong but he doesn't know what and Zhenya wanted to reassure him that it was just her and her emotions getting in the way not him. "I thought we were talking."
"Don't you have to talk with Alina," Her voice was as hard and brittle as ice from the rink but it won't melt or let her down.
"What are you talking about?" Yuzu stood up abruptly his eyes blazing with concern now.
Zhenya pushed her flyways out back from her face concealing her features for a second unsure of what to do under his piercing gaze but she doesn't deserve that concern, "You don't need to worry about me. If I’d won that medal I would probably be out at a party hanging out with my actual friends.”
Yuzu’s jaw dropped and a flash of pain crossed his eyes. Unlike the compassion Zhenya saw earlier when she was crying or even the righteous anger she's seen before. This is sharp pain she's never seeng from Yuzu before—the type of pain, which cuts both ways. "Of course." he demurred but he looks like Zhenya did only minutes ago. Broken. Crippled. Powerless.
She wanted to hold him and to fix him back together again putting him back like he was before they met. But she didn't say anything and instead stood and turning herself away from him walked to the door. Zhenya stopped three steps through the door to turn back unable to leave and was instead rooted in her spot. Yuzu stood at the end of a ray of sunlight his hair lit up by the sun. His dark eyes though were dark and cold enough to counteract the bright sunlight and seemed to leech the warmth out of the air.
"What are you waiting for?" Yuzu stirred himself into action as though he'd triggered by Zhenya’s too harsh breathing. His voice was angry but empty as though he was just going through the motions he was supposed to. "Are you watching me? What's wrong with you?"
She reached a hand out as though to catch herself on the doorframe but her hands filmy with tears and distress and she slipped only catching herself at the last second by the fingertips. "What," she murmured under her breath now wishing she hadn't turned back.
He paced forward, each step deliberate with his weight driving through the heel, "Do you like this? Don't you realise that everyone's hurting as much as you. ." He's appeared as an avenging angel to Zhenya’s half closed eyes and she'd almost be scared of him if it weren't for the fact that he seems to be driving himself forwards on fumes.
"What are you talking about? I’m the one who lost," Her voice was harsh and wavered more than she'd have liked it to but she held her head high.
Yuzu laughed bitterly and Zhenya hated the sound even more than the hurt in his eyes, “that doesn’t mean it wasn’t fucking hard for the rest of us."
"It's not the same," Zhenya said but her voice was filled with false bravado and she didn't believe her own words. She walked forwards trying to maintain her authority until she was standing right in front of him but Zhenya’s hands were balled up and hanging loose by her side.
"That's bullshit and you know it," He's derisive and insulting and utterly different to his generic optimistic compliant self. And for whatever reason to Zhenya that changes is intoxicating.
Zhenya ducked her head not wanting to meet his eyes because she's not quite sure what she would do and maybe because she doesn't want to find out, "No I don't." She cursed herself after she spoke in her head that was completely unconvincing and immature.
"Then you're even more of a child than I ever thought you were," Yuzu says before turning to leave. He was disappointed in her now as well as angry and Zhenya wondered how much more could she mess up.
He had scarcely moved away from her when Zhenya found herself grabbing his hand and spinning him back around to face her and when he started in surprise pressed her lips against his.
In the few seconds of contact all Zhenya had time to notice was the bittersweet taste. Then he had pulled away and was looking at her in shock and disgust and it was only then that Zhenya realised the last thing she had touched with those lips had been that damn silver medal for the stupid photos. Her stomach twisted into knots inside her and Zhenya resisted the urge to vomit.
"You can imagine I'm Alina if you want so you can enact your gold medal fantasy ," Zhenya mocked forcing her trademark smile onto her face as she looked up innocently.
Yuzu almost growled at that and winding his hands in her hair lifted her face up so reached his. "Do you think Alina or anyone else does this to me," he murmured their lips inches apart before finally pressing them together.
If their first kiss had been fleeting and hopeful and their last painful and abrupt this is long, satisfying and complete. He holds her there still for seconds or minutes Zhenya can't tell. She can feel the pulse of blood in her brain and his clothes under her grasping fingers as she holds as tight as he does because they both know that they'd fall apart if they were to let go of each other.
They finally pulled away but remained locked together. They were both messes Zhenya could feel the tears on her cheek and her runny mascara and her lipstick has bled onto Yuzu’s lips painting them scarlet. Zhenya leant back and reached a hand up to his lips. She traced them once and they're firm and yet soft before rubbing the pigment off of his lips transferring it onto her fingers. It was blood red on her fingers and looked almost as though she's hurt herself and Zhenya couldn't help but feel nauseous again.
She looked down unable to resist the compulsion only to see Yuzu’s hand engulf hers and close it hiding the stain. She knew it was there still—merely balling up her fist wouldn't get rid of it—but maybe just for the moment she could pretend it didn't exist.