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Shiro sat in his room— his new room. His old one had been blown up with the castle ship just two days ago. It had been just one of the many sacrifices his team had made during their final battle with Lotor, a sacrifice that Shiro wished could have been evaded.
His new room was one of the many in the ship he and his team had borrowed from Olkarion. They had taken a detour to the planet after Shiro was revived. There, Ryner and a few medics patched him and the other paladins up. They then borrowed a ship, deciding that a journey back to Earth would be more comfortable in a larger ship than the cramped bellies of their lions.
Shiro’s room hadn’t been very homey on the castle ship but it still felt like home in some small way. This room didn’t feel like home at all. It felt foreign— too foreign for Shiro’s liking. It was almost as foreign as the idea of going home to Earth.
Shiro wanted to be excited about going back. He really did, but times had changed— he had changed. His hair was an ashy white, his arm was gone, and his mind...well, that was still up for debate.
What will they think of me? A war hero? Another man to pity?
The thoughts sent a pulsing ache raging through Shiro’s skull. The black paladin gripped his head, fingers clawing through his hair and into his skelp. He wanted them to go away. He wanted to hear silence. His brain wouldn’t shut off. It was buzzing with life— buzzing with negativity and other things Shiro just really didn’t need.
A knock on his door effectively pulled Shiro from his inner thoughts. It was a light, familiar knock.
Keith.
Shiro released his head from his hands and leaned back against the pillows on his bed. He took a few deep breaths before nodding to himself and training his attention on the door.
“Come in.”
The door opened and, as expected, Keith walked in. The paladin was bigger than Shiro remembered. Though, it had been a long while since he had seen Keith truly in person. Before it had always been through the astral plane but now Shiro had a physical body and was only a foot away from the other paladin.
Keith had bulked up and his hair had grown longer. The changes were subtle but still very noticeable and a small reminder of just how long Shiro had been gone.
“Hey, Shiro.” There was a smile on Keith’s face, a gentle and familiar smile. “We came to check on you.”
We?
Shiro forced himself to look past Keith. As he did, he discovered that he and the other paladin were not alone. Coran was there too.
Despite everything that has happened, Coran still had a large smile on his face. Shiro supposed it was probably just for show or reassurance. He had done similar things in the past as the leader of Voltron of course. Faking a smile was better than making others worry.
“Oh! Good! You’re up.”
Coran walked past Keith and to Shiro’s bed across the room. He set a medical tray down on the nightstand by Shiro’s bed. The tray was full of medical instruments. There were a number of familiar ones that Shiro couldn’t bother to know the name to right now along with some odd ones the black paladin had never seen before. It hardly mattered what they were though. What mattered was what— or who— they were for.
“I wanted to run a few tests if that’s okay with you?”
Shiro let his gaze slide from Coran to Keith.
“It’s just medical stuff.”
The red paladin’s answer sparked a slight ease of reassurance in the black. Shiro knew that Coran wasn’t going to hurt him. He knew that no one on the castle ship ever would. Still, after the pain, deceit, and lies that he’s lived through, his brain still couldn’t accept that he was truly safe.
Shiro turned his attention back onto Coran.
The altean was waiting patiently. His eyes glued to Shiro’s face, waiting for some form of reaction or answer to his previous question.
Shiro supposed he should give him one.
“Please...” Shiro waved his hand at himself. “Be my guest.”
Coran didn’t need to be told twice. He scanned Shiro with an instrument and then examined what was left of his arm. His touches were light against Shiro’s skin and he always met Shiro’s eyes before pressing a little harder to certain areas. If Shiro reacted at all, he’d apologize, pull away, and move on to the next test.
Shiro didn’t know how to feel about the treatment. Part of him felt thankful for it but the other felt irritated. He wasn’t a piece of glass. Coran didn’t have to act like he’d break if pushed too hard. Though, as Shiro thought it over while Coran worked, he realized that he was wrong. He was a piece of glass. Despite only being touched a little, Shiro was shaking. His body was overwhelmed. After not being touched or cared for this gently for so long, the sensations in his heart and on his skin were all too much and new.
What felt like several grueling hours passed and, finally, Coran released Shiro.
“Ah. Good. This seems to be healing nicely.”
“I’ll take your word on it.”
“It really is,” Coran reassured and he glanced up at Shiro. “Have you thought about prosthetics at all yet?”
Shiro shook his head. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything else,” he answered.
“That’s understandable.”
Shiro was glad Coran thought so. On Olkarion, Ryner and her people had been the ones responsible for freeing his body— his clone’s body— of any leftover galra tech. Now all that was left was a stump of scarred tissue and mangled flesh. Losing his arm the first time had been traumatizing but being put into a body that wasn’t quite his own and dealing with the pain of having even more of his arm stripped away was on another level. His friends had tried their best to keep Shiro as comfortable as possible during the procedure but there was nothing comfortable about losing more of something he had already lost so much of.
“Matt, Hunk, and Number 5 are talking about making you one.”
Of course they are.
“They were talking all through breakfast about it. They probably have blueprints drawn up by now.”
Shiro shook his head but a smile had managed to curl along his lips. He loved the familiarity of the idea of his friends nerding out over making a prosthetic. For too long that feeling had been too distant— too far away for him to touch. He had witnessed it through the Black Lion’s eyes of course at times but it wasn’t the same.
“Thanks, Coran.”
Coran grinned, ear to ear.
“No worries.” Coran handed a tablet over to Shiro. “I’ve finished my scans.”
Shiro took the tablet. On looking it over, he realized the results of Coran’s tests were scribbled onto it. He flipped through it, almost not hearing Coran when he started speaking again.
“Everything looks good. Your vitals are stronger and your shoulder is healing well despite the trauma done to the area. Do you have any questions for me?”
Shiro bit his lip as he scrolled through the results of his scan one more time. Coran was right, everything looked good— normal.
“Can you...do one more scan? Just to be safe?”
Coran’s face fell and Keith’s, as he stood still by the door, fell as well.
“Shiro…”
“Please? Just one.”
Coran sighed but nodded. He took the tablet back from Shiro and grabbed an instrument from the medical tray. He ran through the tests again, being just as careful as he had been the first time.
Shiro couldn’t help but feel grateful as Coran ran through the steps. He was paranoid. After everything that’s happened, the last thing he could deal with right now is everything going wrong because of him again. He was tired of this endless cycle. He wanted his friends to be safe. He wanted to feel safe.
The tablet found its way back into Shiro’s hand again but this time, when Shiro took it, Coran’s hand slipped over Shiro’s.
“I know this has all been extremely difficult for you, Shiro. Believe me when I say that we will all make sure you never have to go through any of that ever again. It's why the others are so gun-hoe about working on your prosthetic. They want to help you, Shiro. You can lean on us; even if it is just a little.”
Shiro wet his lips and nodded. He could feel a wave of emotion building in his chest and rise up from the back of his throat. He didn’t dare trust his voice to answer. Of all the things he had expected to hear, Coran’s was one of the many Shiro needed right now.
Smiling to himself, Coran took his hand back and made his exit. He rambled something about cleaning the cryo pods as he went, his words being clipped off as the door to Shiro’s room swished shut behind him.
Despite the altean leaving, Shiro was still not alone. Keith still stood by the door. His eyes were glued to Shiro. He didn’t smile like Coran did. He only stared, something glinting in his eye.
Shiro lowered his gaze. He fiddled with the blanket draped over his legs, unsure of what to say or do as his friend watched him from afar.
“Allura said it’d be another five days until we get to Earth.”
“Oh?”
Shiro still didn’t look up.
“What do you want to do when we get there?”
“Have a meeting with Iverson and the other officers,” Shiro said. “They’ll want a briefing on everything—”
“That’s not what I meant.”
Shiro went quiet.
“What do you want to do, Shiro?”
This time, Shiro looked up. What he found in Keith's eyes was not irritation or confusion, but something gentle.
Love.
Keith walked closer to Shiro and sat down at the edge of the bed. He took Shiro’s hand in his and held it as if he were holding something precious.
“Rest,” Keith said, his voice as soft as wind as he spoke. “The others have your back. You don’t have to take it all on yourself.” He squeezed Shiro’s hand. “On Earth— where do you want to go? I’ll take you, Shiro. I will.”
Shiro swallowed hard. He didn’t understand what Keith was saying. He had to help. He couldn’t just sit back while everyone worked hard— not after he had been gone for so long. He had to help. He had to do something.
“Shiro.” Keith placed one of his hands on Shiro’s cheek. His fingers played lightly with the white tips of his hair. “Breathe.”
I am? Wait...no I’m not .
Shiro coughed and struggled to release his breath. He hadn’t realized he had been holding it.
“Talk to me.”
There’s nothing to talk about.
It was a lie but Shiro couldn’t help but think it. He hated this, hated feeling powerless. He just wanted it to all wash away so he could go back to being a paladin again. Keith was right though. He needed to talk. If not to anyone else, at least to Keith. Keith was his best friend, his brother, his…
Shiro shook himself, feeling dizzy. It was all just too much for him right now. His head, his heart— they both ached so much.
“Don’t push yourself.” Keith’s fingers brushed against Shiro’s cheek. “We have all the time in the world.”
“We don’t.”
Shiro felt something wet and hot burn at the corners of his eyes.
Keith watched him, his expression still the same despite Shiro’s words.
“I died, Keith.”
It was frightening to think about it but even more terrifying to say it out loud. During the fight against Zarkon, Shiro’s body had been overpowered. He was ripped apart, right down to his atoms. Black had saved his mind but it still had happened. Shiro. Had. Died.
“I died and...and I couldn’t reach out to you...communicate.” Shiro lowered his gaze, looking back at the blanket covering him. “I tried calling out but no one could hear me. I felt like a ghost— I— I was a ghost.” Something wet trailed down Shiro’s cheek but he didn’t wipe it away. “I could hear you talking to me though, begging me, asking me to...to come back...to lead the team but I couldn't. I was...I was…”
A choking noise burst from Shiro’s lips and he doubled over. His body shook, every muscle spasming as he quickly lost control.
A pair of arms wrapped around Shiro, covering him like a protective blanket. It took Shiro a moment to realize it was Keith who was now holding and shielding him in his arms. He cooed to Shiro and whispered things the black paladin couldn’t quite hear under his own miserable sounds.
“I’m— I’m s...sorry.”
“Shhh.” Keith rubbed Shiro’s back. “I can hear you, Shiro. I can see you.” His fingers roamed into Shiro’s hair again. “You’re alive.”
Shiro awkwardly reached out with his hand and wrapped it around Keith’s waist. He pulled the smaller paladin closer.
Keith was right but that didn’t mean Shiro wasn’t afraid. He was alive, yes, but for how long? He had died and it would happen again. They were in the middle of a war and even if he didn’t die in it, he would die sometime later in his life. He was scared, scared of that time when everything would go black. Most of all, he was scared of what he would leave behind— of who he would leave behind.
Shiro managed to wrangle in his sobs and he pulled back from Keith. He stared at the red paladin’s face as he did, his eyes dragging over the bandage there.
Lost in thought, Shiro touched the bandage.
“It wasn’t you,” Keith said. “You didn’t hurt me.”
“I did.” Shiro swallowed hard, struggling to keep his sobs from bursting out again. “I left you and...you got hurt.” He shook his head. “You always get hurt—”
“So do you!”
Keith was cupping Shiro’s face now. The gentleness in his gaze had dimmed and anger was blazing brightly in his purple orbs.
“So do you,” the red paladin said again, this time a little softer. He was calming down again, something that would have taken a lot longer for him to do in the past. “You’re hurting, Shiro. I’m hurting but you are too.” Keith’s eyes watered. “Listen to Coran, okay? Lean on me. I want to be here for you, Shiro. I want you to open up to me.”
“Why?”
“I love you.”
There was no hesitation in his words, nor in his eyes. Keith was one-hundred percent truthful just as he had been when he first said those three powerful little words.
“I…” Shiro closed his eyes and leaned forward, letting his exhausted body rest against Keith’s. “I love you too.”
Keith cradled Shiro against him. “It’s hard and scary but please, Shiro, lean on me. Lean on me and I’ll lean on you.” Fingers carded through Shiro’s hair. “Let’s never leave each other alone.”
Shiro sniffled and held Keith a little tighter with his good arm. He tried to think of something to say, but he was so drained his brain was barely functioning properly. He wanted to snuggle back into his bed and sleep the day away but he also didn’t. He wanted to stay up and talk with Keith until they reached their destination.
“I want to dye my hair when we get back to Earth.”
Keith chuckled against Shiro’s shoulder.
“It’s not funny. I look like an old man.”
Keith laughed again, harder this time.
Shiro, despite himself, laughed too.
“What color? Red?”
“No way,” Shiro huffed. “Black— like it was.”
Shiro could feel Keith’s pout against his shoulder. He wasn’t going to be swayed though. No wild colors for Takashi Shirogane. After everything, he needed nice and simple.
“I kind of like it as is,” Keith admitted out of nowhere. “It looks like starlight.”
Shiro scoffed at the cheesy metaphor. It earned him another laugh from the paladin holding him and Shiro felt his worries slowly start to drain away. There was still a lot of doubt and fear in Shiro’s heart. No shoulder cry or long talk could truly fix that on its own. It was going to take time and, as Keith had said, they had plenty.