Work Text:
i.
on the night before mingyu’s birthday, he and jihoon spend it at his apartment.
they share a light dinner of takeout jjangmyeon, a fair amount of cola and a sprinkle of banter here and there. everything is business as usual, just as mingyu wanted on his last day as a twenty year old.
he isn’t going to lie—the entire soulmate thing is scary. a small part of him doesn’t want them anymore, especially because jihoon already confirmed it through his dreams, anyway.
they are soulmates, no doubt. jihoon said it himself, and he trusts jihoon; it’s as simple as that.
that night, mingyu is able to fall asleep thanks to jihoon right next to him, calmly coaxing all the nerves he manages to blurt out at random. although his gut is in shambles, he’s happy to be there with the person that matters most.
the clock hits twelve and streams of birthday wishes ring through his phone. he doesn’t bother checking them yet, he just wants to enjoy some quiet time, just talking about the most mundane things with jihoon.
—
ii.
mingyu has never had his heart pumping this violently in his chest.
he awakens the next morning, recalling every bit of the dream that came crashing in like waves. he didn’t see jihoon’s past, nor future. he instead saw unfamiliar faces, unfamiliar places—he saw the unknown, and it terrifies him.
jihoon is nowhere to be found on the bed. every beat of mingyu’s heart feels like it just squeezes around itself tightly, continuously without fail, ready to collapse in on itself. when the sound of the running water in the bathroom becomes evident, mingyu braces himself to face something he never thought he would.
“how was your sleep?” he forces out a smile when jihoon steps out.
it’s not him.
jihoon casually pats his face dry with a small towel. “good. you?”
he knows.
mingyu feels his throat tighten. “i had a good dream,” he lies, “it was you and your dad at home, eating breakfast together, i think.”
it’s not him.
“oh. mine was fun.”
“really? do tell.”
“nah, it’s embarrassing for you.”
“i can handle it, just tell me, i’m curious.”
what am i doing?
iii.
mingyu wanders.
it’s not for long, but it’s long enough for him to indulge his surroundings. everything is unfamiliar—from the old-fashioned house situated near a farm to the man relentlessly harvesting cabbages—nothing seems to ring a bell.
but if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that the position he takes is that of a child. he’s able to infer it from the plastic set of toy farming tools laid out before him on the ground and a small hand grasping a mini rake.
mingyu doesn’t know what’s going on. he’s confused, wondering where jihoon’s parents are. he never recalled the mention of a farm, much less jihoon enjoying anything remotely outside of his home as tedious as farming.
after a good while, the child runs indoors when it begins to drizzle. he looks back briefly to the man farming, who simply smiles and gestures for him to go on inside. what greets him as the door opens is a short hallway of family pictures. the child whizzes right past them, but mingyu catches a glimpse. among the faces, none that he recognizes.
some sort of anxiety begins to fill his mind. he suddenly wants to wake up and ask jihoon questions. he wants to know why the house they visited in busan together didn’t look like this. he wants to know why jihoon’s father looks nothing like the man farming outside. he wants to know why he’s not seeing what he expected to see, what he wants to see.
but then, he realizes, why does he need to ask jihoon all this, when he knows the answer, anyway?
iv.
“it was—it was just something embarrassing that i’m sure you don’t want to think about anyway, okay? don’t worry, i’ll forget it for you,” jihoon chuckles. his tone is lighthearted, but he’s looking at everything but the other boy in the room.
please, look at me.
mingyu wants to throw up. his stomach curls into knots and everything inside just hurts. it wasn’t only today that jihoon has been defensive or secretive about the dreams he gets. mingyu let it slide several times previously but now that he knew the reason behind it, it’s almost too much to bear.
“if it’s so embarrassing for you, i think i can handle hearing about it again. it is my past. you can tell me. i trust you, jihoon-ah.”
there is no reply.
the tension in the room starts to build up slowly, like a pressurized can over a flame.
he knows jihoon is lying. he knows jihoon knows that he’s lying. and yet, neither of them say anything about it. they’re covering it up with more lies in the hopes of not having to face the truth; an absolutely suffocating feeling that he knows he’ll never forget.
he stares jihoon down straight in the eyes that refuse to even meet his. they’re clouded with a kind of pain he’s never seen before.
he’s frustrated. mingyu feels a heart-wrenching pain looking at jihoon, who is clearly having an intense internal conflict. both of them unwavering to the reality that just slapped them in the face like a brick.
“it’s not me, is it?”
v.
“ah... it’s scary, jihoonie. what if we see each other the next day and suddenly you’re a whole different person?” mingyu holds jihoon’s hand tightly in his. jihoon doesn’t flinch at the dramatic display.
“have some faith in us,” jihoon chuckles. “my birthday is months away. let’s just enjoy us for what we are now.”
mingyu figures it’s a good idea, but he still can’t shake off the sinking feeling. “i just don’t want to lose you. among the how many billion people in the world, do you really think it’s us?”
“we’ve talked about this before, mingyu. even if it isn’t, i’ll tell you. even if it isn’t, we’ll continue to be ourselves and not let it get in the way. you trust me, right?”
vi.
jihoon finally looks up at him, eyes glassing over. mingyu tries to swallow down his next words but the lump in his throat won’t let him. “why are we lying to each other?”
“mingyu—“
“why did you let me lie to you?” he doesn’t know if he feels like a total moron or if he’s mad at jihoon for being a total lying asshat.
“i guess i was just being selfish,” jihoon admits, “seeing how far you would take it for me... pathetic, i know.”
mingyu can’t believe what he’s hearing. jihoon knows how far he would take it for him. it didn’t need to be tested. “shua-hyung was right,” he scoffs, “relationships between non-soulmates never work.”
“i wanted this relationship to last. i wanted us to last, mingyu. please understand that.”
mingyu’s upset that it worked.
“and you thought that the way to do that was by lying to me about what our future is? if we even had one in the first place.”
“i did it so we could be happy—“
“well, were you happy?” mingyu cuts him off. “were you happy when all this time you’ve been keeping everything from me? we could’ve waited it out, hyung. you could’ve told me and i would’ve accepted it. you didn’t have to protect me from the truth. you promised.”
jihoon breaks eye contact, eyes darting to the floor when mingyu says, “hyung”, and mingyu is well aware why. throughout the course of their eighteen month relationship, he had never, not once, used that honorific, and it hurts him when he realizes that it came out involuntarily. he almost senses guilt within him—a profound form of guilt for not trusting jihoon anymore.
“i didn’t know if i was ready to tell you. i didn’t want us to be together with the thought at the back of both our minds,” jihoon bites his lip. “i know i promised, but, once it came i just didn’t know what to do...”
“i never want you to suffer alone. you know that, right? even if i’m never meant to be ‘the one’ for you, it doesn’t change us in the present. we could’ve still been happy, happy while it lasted. you kept telling me that. you told me to believe that! hell, you even told me that last fucking week!” he raises his voice for the first time and it causes jihoon to flinch.
neither of them say a word, but mingyu can feel his entire body electrified in a cold sweat. he feels the tension cling to his skin and every breath feels heavier than the last. mingyu almost wants to lapse into some kind of spell where he can just forget everything that’s happening.
—
vii.
“i would’ve enjoyed every moment i had with you just the same,” he finishes.
sobs finally wreck through him. mingyu’s choked cries are crisp and clear when jihoon hugs him tightly, letting the taller boy rest his chin on a shoulder. he feels pathetic at the hands of the only person he’s ever loved more than the stars, but more so for blindly believing that a relationship without confirmation was going to succeed.
he doesn’t notice when jihoon breaks, either.
viii.
“psst.”
silence.
“psst,” mingyu hisses a little louder this time, now poking the figure buried deep in the sheets.
jihoon finally peeks out of the top, not looking one bit amused. “what do you want?”
mingyu grins and tries to bring out the cutest face he can. “go outside with me?” the soft glow of jihoon’s phone from under the blanket flickers with different scenes from a youtube video.
one thing he and jihoon couldn’t agree on was their sense on adventure. going on this trip was supposed to be healing time for them, but jihoon was locked up in their room for majority of the time while mingyu, joshua and seungcheol tried surfing, building sand castles and finding small creatures in the sand.
it was late at night now, and while their two friends were knocked out from the activities of the day, mingyu jumped at the chance. “please? just the two of us,” he urges.
“i’ll give you twenty minutes,” jihoon finally agrees (albeit, quite unwillingly).
they find their way to one of the more quiet places of the beach. there weren’t enough people out at this time to create too much of a fuss, but a little privacy was always much appreciated.
jihoon’s hand is loosely holding mingyu’s, who feels the smaller thumb lightly brush a small part of the back of his hand every once in a while as they walk barefoot on the beach. the grainy sand tickles the soles of their feet and whiffs of the breeze from the salty ocean don’t go unnoticed.
“let’s sit, i’m tired,” jihoon plops onto the sand like a child.
“is that your way of saying, ‘here’s the perfect spot now come sit with me’?” mingyu raises his voice a bit to try and match jihoon's and sits as well.
jihoon shrugs, “more or less.”
they stare out into the endless, dark ocean for an eternity. the moon is barely peeking through by a slim crescent, still providing some sort of illumination for them to be able to see.
mingyu’s a total sucker for this type of romantic shit. he thinks it’s a true weakness that could make anyone fall in love with the right timing and the right setting. he shifts in his place a bit before choosing to rest his head on jihoon’s shoulder. he takes everything in with a deep breath.
this is it. the right timing, the right setting.
the simple move he does makes his own heart race. it’s a little ridiculous, he believes. “hey, jihoon-ah, does this make your heart rate speed up?” he teases.
jihoon scoffs. “you’d be surprised.”
mingyu doesn’t question the weird reply. he quickly kisses jihoon’s cheek and braces himself for any sort of auto-response to affection, but what surprises him is a kiss right back.
it’s short and sweet, but somewhat demanding for attention. it’s a jihoon type of kiss, as mingyu has classified.
“yep, i’m surprised,” mingyu declares with a laugh. the other shares a smaller, quieter laugh. their lips meet again, for a little longer this time. it gets interrupted by a wide grin that breaks out on mingyu’s face.
jihoon is the one who let’s his head rest on mingyu’s this time. “what i mean is, you’d be surprised if you knew just how often my heart rate speeds up when i’m with you.”
ix.
days pass, and nothing changes. he hurts, he cries, he stops, he goes on with his normal life, but going back to his normal life isn’t really easy when a big chunk of it is missing.
every passing night with a new dream to discover presents itself like it’s some sort of treasure and mingyu absolutely despises it. this entire soulmate thing is a curse, and mingyu wants nothing to do with it ever again.
he gets texts from his friends, a lot of calls, some voicemails—nothing from jihoon.
not that he was expecting anything.
he hates that he knows deep down that he still loves jihoon. he hates that with every waking hour, he misses the touch, the feel, the mere presence of jihoon. he hates that his brain is thinking nothing but, “is jihoon okay? has jihoon eaten? i hope i can get to talk to jihoon.”
the hate lingers as a bitter taste in his mouth. nothing tastes the same, but he wants it to. he wants to live his life knowing that there’s someone better out there for him, that from this point on, their paths have inevitably gone different ways. he even realizes that, maybe, they were never on the same path in the first place. yet for some reason, he hopes to bring back the past where none of this had done its damage—back to the illusion of those two paths meeting.
—
x.
when mingyu finally musters enough energy to go out and meet soonyoung for a quick lunch, the moment he steps out, jihoon is already waiting right outside his front door with one hand hovering over the doorbell.
it’s awkward, to say the least. jihoon clears his throat. “i... i left one of my sweaters here. i’ve been meaning to get it for a while.”
they both retreat into the quaint apartment where they last saw each other.
“i’ll be back,” mingyu says.
he knows exactly which sweater jihoon is talking about. in fact, he brought it along with his laundry about over a month ago and it’s been sitting in one of his drawers since. as he digs through the said drawer, he begins to wonder how long jihoon thought up an excuse to come visit him.
he returns to the kitchen, maroon sweater now in hand. mingyu lays it wordlessly onto the table where jihoon sits, waiting.
they both expect jihoon to leave as a normal person would, but he doesn’t.
“are you okay?” jihoon grips the sweater tightly.
“i’ve been better,” mingyu quips. he grabs a drink to soothe his sandpaper-like throat.
“me, too.”
mingyu isn’t gonna lie: just knowing that jihoon hasn’t had it so easy either made him feel a little bit better. “are you here to try and win me over again? it’s not gonna work.”
“i know. i just came to tell you that i love you.”
mingyu almost drops the pitcher he was pouring water from but collects his thoughts quickly. he cannot afford to be weak right now. “nice try,” he huffs.
“good,” jihoon chuckles—it’s nice and light, giving off a sense of relief, “you’re not dumb enough to fall for shit like that. more importantly, i know you’re smart enough not to wallow too long over me, right?”
“psh, who said i was wallowing over you? i was wallowing over our failed relationship.” wrong.
“i’ll keep that in mind,” jihoon bites his lip, and they stare at each other for what seems like way too long. he doesn’t say anything and instead wears a sad smile, but his eyes speak volumes. “i’m sorry. i’m really, really—“ he reaches to touch the back of mingyu’s hand but quickly retracts, as if he’s scared it would burn him, “—sorry.” jihoon doesn’t look up. he’s reserved and serious, hard to read as always, but mingyu knows better.
he ponders for a second if he should even be entertaining jihoon right now.
“i know you are,” is all mingyu says. it’s the truth.
jihoon seems at a loss for words. mingyu can tell he’s trying so hard to hold himself up when his voice quivers slightly when he asks, “are you still mad at me?”
mad?
mingyu doesn’t think that word ever crossed his mind since then. not mad, not angry, not like he was betrayed—just disappointed.
he guesses that thought he knew jihoon better. he thought the underlying fear for their relationship could finally be locked away in a closet after jihoon’s birthday last year. he thought, even if they tell us it’s not us, could we defy the laws of this soulmate shit and be together anyway?
those thoughts led up to this point in time, but not in the way he had hoped. not in the way either of them had hoped. it could have worked, but it didn’t; they took a wrong turn.
mingyu doesn’t want to blame jihoon. he doesn’t want to blame anyone.
but if it was no one’s fault, then why did they still fail?
xi.
if there is anything kim mingyu is, it’s being bad at keeping feelings.
when he starts having feelings of any sort, those close to him notice how that handsome face of his would just look a little bit off from his usual straight face. such is the case when he first realized he had the fattest crush on lee jihoon.
“soonyoung hyung, am i really that obvious?” mingyu whines.
soonyoung shoves a big chunk of kimchi into his mouth, nodding vigorously. mingyu helplessly let’s his head fall to the table.
soonyoung talks through a full mouth. "when jihoon laughs, you laugh so much louder. it's obvious you want his attention. when jihoon eats, you always offer him more food before anyone else. when jihoon—"
“okay, okay, i get it. what do i do?”
“i can tell him, if you want,” soonyoung offers too calmly.
in a panic, mingyu stands and reaches over the table to slap a hand over his hyung’s mouth (and in the process, getting a decent amount of kimchi remains on his palm). “no. please, don’t,” he pleads.
soonyoung let’s his tongue peek out to lick the hand covering his mouth. mingyu retracts in horror, calling such an act disgusting and “inhuman”.
“i’ll let you in on a little secret, my dear mingyu,” soonyoung whispers.
mingyu leans in closer to hear better. he was praying for even the smallest thing, like maybe even just a trivia on what gifts jihoon would like, when jihoon is free; anything that could help him win jihoon’s heart.
soonyoung grins like a cheshire cat. “he likes you just as much.”
xii.
.
“so, what are we now?”
.
“what do you want us to be?”
.
“whatever hurts less.”
.
xiii.
the atmosphere is heated despite it being the middle of winter.
“those who aren’t destined won’t work out,” joshua states flatly. his gaze could burn holes through to the back of their heads.
“hyung don’t be mean. we don’t know that for sure.” mingyu watches as soonyoung interferes, standing in between jihoon and joshua.
he knew it might be risky to take this chance before either of them are even sure of their soulmates yet, but they were so happy together that he didn’t see the problem. joshua, however, apparently did.
“i’m just saying, it’s better to be sure. i want this relationship to work out just as much as any of you do, trust me. but i just don’t want a day to come where anyone might have to suffer the insufferable.”
jihoon steps to the side, away from the barrier that is soonyoung. mingyu grasps onto his arm tightly, a silent reminder to not get carried away. he was beginning to feel nervous, but more so scared as he didn’t know how to ease the tension.
“wait a minute, let’s just calm down first—“ mingyu tries.
“you wouldn’t know what it’s like anyway, hyung,” jihoon bites, completely ignoring his boyfriend, eyes only on joshua. “you don’t even get the dreams. you didn’t even try after that first night, you just followed what has been told is your future.”
joshua takes a step forward. “lee jihoon—“
“stop it,” soonyoung desperately tries to keep them off of each other. his hands stay in front of them both, but not touching either.
“can’t you just be happy for us?” jihoon asks in exasperation.
“i never said i’m not happy for you. i’m just worried. that’s all,” joshua defends.
mingyu monitors the exchange carefully. they were all friends here; he had faith that they wouldn’t intentionally attempt to harm the other. still, everything just felt too uneasy, especially as soonyoung looked like he was getting riled up as well.
“seriously, if either if you refuse to calm down, i’m going to kick both your dicks,” soonyoung threatens through gritted teeth.
joshua finally steps back with arms crossed. chills course through mingyu’s body as the relief floods through him.
“just don’t come running to me if anything happens.”