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He doesn't know how it starts, only how it ends, like this – with the bracelet stuffed in the darkest corner of Renjun's drawer, dusty and dull. The once spotless and gleaming rose gold cuff that Jaemin used to think fit perfectly on Renjun's wrist, snug across his wristbone, has long lost its sheen from months of neglect. He picks it up and wipes away some of the dust, watching forlornly as they gather into clumps and drift away, floating aimlessly with the gentle breeze until they come to rest upon the floor. If Jaemin scrutinises the bracelet, he can make out specks of rust forming on the edges, eroding away at it, slowly but surely. He sighs – even steel isn't resistant to the passage of time.
"Of course I'll wear it, Jaemin! I really love it. Thank you so much!"
Jaemin closes his eyes, in a futile attempt to trap the tears that threaten to spill behind his eyelids. They roll down his face anyway – rivulets of sorrow flow silently down his cheek, gathering into teardrops at the edge of his chin before they fall, leaving a wet patch on his shirt.
Broken promises, empty words – in the end, they didn't mean anything to Renjun at all.
He remembers how happy he was whenever Renjun so much as looked in his direction. When Renjun so much as smiled at him, or put an arm around his shoulder, or when he laughed at Jaemin's jokes till his eyes crinkled and his dimple showed. Renjun will never know how much Jaemin cherished every single moment and committed every little detail of him to memory. They meant the world to Jaemin and he’d only need to recall one of those memories for his heart to feel warm and full.
Those were happier times. How cruel it is for those beautiful moments to feed him hope, little by little, only to send him crashing down into the depths of despair. His thing – his painful, yearning, and most definitely unrequited thing for Renjun – overwhelms him and nearly consumes him whole.
Jaemin sees it in Renjun's easy arm around Donghyuck. He sees it in the jokes Renjun shares with Mark. He sees it in Renjun's shy glances at Jeno, the Chinese memes he sends to Chenle, and the way he ruffles Jisung’s hair. Jaemin sees Renjun slowly but surely slipping through his fingers as his heart calls out to catch him but he's gone, gone, gone before Jaemin can even reach him.
He sees all of that, and understands that Renjun was never his to begin with.
It’s the blank look Renjun has on his face that kills Jaemin. Renjun’s eyes, which used to twinkle whenever they looked at Jaemin, are now devoid of emotion; their darkness almost swallows him whole. It’s no more than a second of their eyes meeting before Renjun looks away.
The air hums with a tension so thick it can be sliced with a knife.
"Hey," he says, avoiding Jaemin's piercing gaze.
"Hey, I –" Jaemin reaches out to catch Renjun's wrist beneath his sleeve. It's bare.
The last sliver of hope that he’s been holding onto crumbles in a flash, till there's nothing left in his heart, except maybe the remnants of memories of happier times. The flat, smooth expanse of Renjun’s skin under his palm feels almost mocking.
"What?" Renjun asks, looking at him expectantly. Jaemin represses a sigh – Renjun’s always been straight to the point.
"I – Nothing. Never mind." Hearing himself say that pains Jaemin to the core. It’s akin to a knife through bare flesh, twisting deeper and deeper into his heart.
Renjun is looking at Jaemin's hand, still wrapped around his wrist. Jaemin doesn't want to let go, knowing that once he does, it will all be over. But what use is holding onto something that’s not his?
Like how the waves against a beach struggle to cling onto the sand, or how one can never grasp a breeze – some things just aren’t meant to be. Just like him and Renjun.
He lets go.
Jaemin watches Renjun turn and leave, and knows he will never come back.
Jaemin sometimes dreams. In his dreams, he hears a soft voice calling his name. The owner of the voice is shrouded by mist, obscuring their features, and is a long way away. He approaches the voice, getting closer and closer with every step until he catches a glimpse of their face. But before he can make out who they are, the world tilts and he slips and falls down, down, down – returning to consciousness. He awakens and his eyes are wet with tears.
"Why do you still wear it?" Jeno wants to know.
Jaemin glances down at the metal cuff on his wrist and traces the letters engraved on it with his thumb. With daily wear, it's now dulled – a cruel metaphor for Jaemin's feelings for Renjun which, once raw and passionate, have now dimmed into a quiet throb in his heart. Indeed, he has no reason to – it’s hardly a couple bracelet anymore, as Renjun hasn't worn his in over a year.
Jaemin doesn't look up, fingering the bracelet over and over again. There is a long pause – the only sound being the gentle exhales of the both of them – before he speaks.
"Because I want to keep something of Renjun that belongs to me, since I know his heart doesn't."
Eventually, Jaemin removes the silver bracelet clasped on his wrist and carefully hides it somewhere, hoping that he will never come across it again. He rubs the bare spot on his wrist, unused to the sudden lightness of it. What was once a palpable hurt has subsided into a dull ache in his chest. Thankfully, time will heal everything, or so he hopes.
He doesn't know how it starts, only how it ends, like this – with him tracing the spot on his wrist where the silver bracelet used to be and feeling like a part of him is missing, while he tries (and fails) to heal his broken heart.