Archive of Our Own ^beta

1.

He was never quite sure if it was a gift or a curse, or why he had it, or even precisely when it started. Magical abilities weren’t unheard of, exactly, but they also weren’t common, by any means. They were mostly kept to oneself or – in recent years – discussed in forums behind the veil of anonymity provided by the internet. That may not have been the most reliable source, but it was enough to make him feel like he wasn’t crazy, or if he was, then he certainly wasn’t alone.

His parents said he was reading too much into things. His friends (the very few that he told, before deciding that it wasn’t something he needed to disclose) said it was correlation, not causation. His therapist told him that if he came back once a week for a few months, they could unpack the root of the problem. He got home from his third appointment, turned to google (‘does kissing someone make them love you?’), found the forum, and never went to another appointment.

Dan had the ability to make people fall in love with him. It didn’t matter the person, or their previous opinion of him. The catch? He had to kiss them – on the lips; he’d tried cheek kisses with a definite lack of results. (He wasn’t actually positive on whether he had to kiss them first – or at all – or if being kissed by someone would work; he hadn’t, as far as he knew, been kissed by someone in his sleep who therefore fell in love with him, and usually when someone did initiate the kiss, he kissed back.) He wasn’t the only one, according to the internet. There were people who had really explored the theory, with people who didn’t know them prior to the kiss but ended up with declarations of love too quickly for it to be anything but magic.

When he first realized it might be a thing, he had definitely given some serious consideration to the correlation not causation theory. As a baby and small child, the only people he kissed (on the lips, but also probably in general) were people who already loved him – his parents, younger brother, and the occasional overzealous, personal space disregarding family member. As he got older, the only kisses he got were by girls who already claimed to like him, but they had always gotten significantly more infatuated after the kiss. The relationships hadn’t lasted long, and he had already known they liked him… so he was willing to chalk each time up to young puppy love, and drop the whole thing.

And then, something happened, totally by accident, that he couldn’t explain away. He was 16 that summer and had long ago stopped telling new friends about his theory, so it wasn’t a prank. He was at a party that a friend had convinced him to go to, and he was pulled into a game of spin the bottle matched with seven minutes in heaven… or something. It was just a ruse to force people to make out, and Dan knew he shouldn’t join in, just in case. In the end, the temptation to try out his theory one last time was too great. As luck would have it, the one girl in the group who, for some unknown reason, seriously and vocally disliked him, was of course the one he ended up being shoved into a closet with. The girl, called Karen, put up a fuss at first, but after someone shouted that they couldn’t possibly be kissing with all the grumbling she was doing, she just glared at Dan.

“I mean,” he whispered. “I don’t particularly want to play this game, either… but I know that you like Jason, and what better way to make him jealous than for me to walk out of here with a little bit of your lipstick on the corner of my mouth?”

It was bad logic, really, but her eyes narrowed and she nodded. “You won’t tell him the truth?”

Dan shrugged. “I have no reason to. Jason’s a good guy, and even though you hate me, I think you two would be good together, so why would I mess that up?”

Her face softened a little bit. “Well, thanks. Ready?” When Dan nodded, she put her hands on his chest and pushed up to her tiptoes to peck him lightly on the lips. He thought that would be it, but she pulled away and shook her head. “Hang on, that didn’t even make a difference. Just… kiss me properly.”

So he did, with one arm around her waist and the other in her hair. It only lasted for a few seconds, but when she pulled away and studied his face, she grinned. “Perfect. There’s just a bit. Not enough to be obvious, but if you’re paying attention… I’ll just make a point of reapplying when we leave and then we’ll see what happens.”

Dan nodded, ran a hand through his hair, and opened the door. His head was reeling. She didn’t seem to be acting any different initially – and she had just mentioned the plan to make Jason jealous – so maybe, he thought, he could put the theory to rest.

Except… twenty minutes later, when the game had dissolved, Dan was getting another piece of pizza when he felt a hand on his back. He turned, and there was Karen, grinning at him. He grinned back.

“Is Jason looking? Is it working?” he asked quietly.

She tilted her head. “I’ve decided that Jason isn’t the one I want.” He watched as her eyes glanced down to his lips and back up, and then again, but slower. Deliberately. “We should talk. I don’t think we’ve talked as much as we should. You’re gorgeous.”

Dan blinked. “I… thank you? Um. I didn’t think you liked me very much,” he said, bluntly, wondering if maybe this was a prank.

She laughed. “I didn’t. I guess I never gave you a chance. But a girl’s allowed to change her mind, and I have.”

Dan stared at her for a minute. He had a couple options – go for it or get out of it. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), he wasn’t actually looking for a relationship, which made the first option the less desirable choice. He thought back to his past relationships. They hadn’t lasted long, and those had all started with a girl who actually liked him. He just had to do whatever it was that made those relationships end.

So he nodded. “Okay. Well, we could… go see a film?”

She grinned at him. He noted vaguely that her smile was dazzling, and if he’d been interested, she would have been lovely… aside from the whole, previously hating him thing. “That would be great. When?”

He hesitated. “Um… actually, I’m supposed to go see my grandparents the day after tomorrow… so maybe when I get back?” He needed time to figure out what had caused the end of his past relationships, and how he could manufacture the scenario. She pouted a bit but in the end, agreed. They picked a movie and a time, and he said he’d pick her up. She stayed incredibly close to him for the rest of the night, and when he left, he made sure to only kiss her on the cheek. Just in case.

It took five days for her to send him a text, cancelling the date. She’d changed her mind, again, and she didn’t hate him but she didn’t want to date him. Must have been the excitement at making Jason jealous, she had said, before thanking him for helping her. Two weeks later, she was dating Jason.

Dan hashed out the new discovery with his friends on the forum and found that it matched a lot of the other members’ experiences. The length of time varied, but in every case, each kiss “wore off” in an amount of time. The trick, some told him, was to make sure you kept kissing the person. There was a debate going on whether or not the length of the kiss played into how long it lasted, or if the length of time someone had loved them mattered.

Honestly, Dan wasn’t sure if it should make him uncomfortable or not. On one hand, the consensus was that the person being kissed genuinely thought they loved the kisser – even after it wore off – so the end of relationships felt real and not like a switch had just been flipped. On the other hand, he (and several others in the thread) mourned the fact that it would be very difficult to know if someone loved him for him, or because of the magical influence. He knew that he’d be heartbroken to be with someone for years, only to go on a vacation without them (or have someone get sick and refuse to share germs) and then realize the person had actually gotten over the relationship but were tied to it by magic.

The solution, Dan decided, was just to not kiss anyone he loved until he was sure they loved him back. He hadn’t found himself really wanting to kiss someone, to the point where he couldn’t wait, so surely it couldn’t be that hard to hold off until it was love.

2.

He was wrong. It had been a fine plan for the two years between 16 and 18, but everything went to hell when AmazingPhil replied to his tweet. Not right then, of course. No, that was fine. What wasn’t fine was the way his stomach flipped when Phil would message him with a heart, or say something just on the other side of flirty, and it certainly wasn’t fine when they first Skyped and Phil laughed because of something Dan said.

He wanted to kiss that smile right off his face.

It was still fine, though, because he couldn’t kiss Phil through a computer screen. It was fine, because they lived very far apart and Dan was convinced that Phil was really just humoring him. (Dan very briefly wondered if the magic love kiss thing worked on guys, too, but almost immediately decided that surely magic wouldn’t conform to traditional relationship rules and that he had to play it safe.)

And then, one night, or perhaps early morning, Phil suggested that Dan come visit him whilst his parents were away. Dan hesitated, wondering if he could trust himself to stick to his decision to not kiss anyone, especially if Phil was willing… but Phil’s smile wavered and Dan realized that Phil thought he was unsure about wanting to visit him.

“I’d love to, you spork. If you’re really okay with it?” Suddenly nervous, Dan bit his lip. Maybe he was getting ahead of himself. Maybe Phil wouldn’t even want to kiss him.

Phil’s grin was blinding, even through the shitty webcam. He wanted him there, Phil insisted. Now, if possible, but waiting until his parents actually left would probably be a better plan. Dan rolled his eyes at the older boy and opened a new tab to buy train tickets, hoping this wasn’t a bad idea.

Just a few days later, Dan got on the train with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was nervous, more so than he’d ever been, and very unsure about how he needed to handle the whole situation. He leaned against the window and tried to think it through logically. He could tell Phil the situation and explain that while all the flirting had been real, he didn’t want to cross a line and magic Phil into loving him. That seemed like a surefire way to get sent right back to the train station and lose his best friend (and the boy he liked) at the same time. The next option was to play innocent and keep everything platonic, which seemed like far less fun than he was hoping for and also had the possible side effect of sending Phil the wrong idea (again, losing the boy he liked, though he might get to keep his best friend). Then there was a third option – the one Dan considered for the longest. It was also the riskiest, but he still considered it. It was, simply put, to let whatever happened, happen. If the magic wore off in a handful of days, then it would wear off and Phil wouldn’t stay in love with him. They’d have a great weekend, and then just go back to being best friends once they were apart for a little while. It seemed like a decent plan. The fading feelings could even be attributed to the distance between them, which was, by all accounts, totally fair.

Dan just didn’t know what would happen when Phil’s magic-induced feelings faded. Would he go back to the exact feelings he had before the kiss? No, surely not, because he’d remember loving Dan for a little while. Would it make things uncomfortable, because Phil had loved him and then didn’t? Maybe. And – he almost didn’t dare to even think it – what if it happened again? Would the falling in and out of magic love ruin any chance he had at real love? Was it even worth it to take the risk?

By the time the train got to the station, he hadn’t answered his own questions. He felt the buzz of his phone and pulled it out just as the train slowed down. It was Phil – no surprise there – letting him know that he was at the station and waiting for him. Dan bit his lip to hide his smile. Regardless of his internal kiss dilemma, he was still really, really excited to see his best friend and YouTube idol. He sent a quick smiley face back, shoved his phone in his pocket, checked his fringe in the window reflection, and grabbed his (admittedly stuffed) backpack.

And there was Phil, standing out in the crowd of people, a little bit taller than everyone. Phil, whose eyes lit up when he saw Dan standing there. Who opened his arms when Dan got close enough, letting the younger boy just fall into them. Who held him tightly in the middle of a crowded train station, for just a moment, before letting go the second Dan moved to pull away. Dan studied him for a moment. His grin was still blinding, even more so now that it wasn’t made up of too few pixels. His eyes were brilliant and he smelled fantastic. Dan bit his lip and looked away, only to feel Phil’s hand on his arm.

“Come on,” Phil said warmly. “Let’s go to Starbucks.” Dan nodded and Phil dropped his hand from Dan’s arm to turn and lead the way. Dan took a deep breath and followed, nerves crashing over him. He’d been so focused on whether or not to kiss Phil that he hadn’t really let himself process the fact that he was visiting Phil – AmazingPhil – and that was a huge deal. It was suddenly overwhelming in a way that he wasn’t prepared for, and the noise of the train station and needing to follow Phil was almost too much.

As if he knew, Phil slowed down and grabbed Dan’s sleeve. “Hey,” he said, waiting until Dan had looked at him. “I’m really glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re real.”

Dan swallowed the lump in his throat. “Me, too,” he managed, and Phil grinned at him. “I, um,” he started, unsure of where he was going with that but feeling like he had to say something.

He didn’t. Phil just shook his head and tugged on Dan’s sleeve. “You’re okay. Let’s just get out of here. It’s quieter at Starbucks.”

Dan let Phil lead him out of the train station and was surprised when he felt a little bit better immediately upon walking outside. Phil dropped his sleeve but stayed close, bumping shoulders with Dan every once in a while. Dan felt young, younger than he had in a while, and the feeling didn’t go away when Phil pointed him in the direction of a table and went to order them both drinks. He came back with two caramel macchiatos – a late night conversation had revealed that they shared a favorite drink – and pulled his chair close to Dan’s.

“Hi,” Phil said quietly.

“Hi,” Dan replied.

“Are you okay? Being here, I mean,” Phil asked. Dan nodded, but Phil didn’t look away or change the subject. Finally, Dan caved.

“I’m… a little overwhelmed?” He said, unsure of himself. “It’s just. I mean. You’re real. And this wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t a joke, was it?” He felt his heart speed up.

Phil shook his head. “Not even a little bit. I wouldn’t do that to you. Well, not to anyone, but especially not to you.” Dan felt Phil’s knee bump against his own under the table. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Dan let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “I am, too. I was really looking forward to it, before I got nervous.”

“Don’t be nervous!” Phil said, finally smiling, tongue poking out between his teeth. “It’s just me.”

“There’s nothing just about you,” Dan said quietly. Phil blushed and shook his head, but instead of commenting, just took a sip of his drink.

“When you’ve drank enough that you can walk with it, let’s go. There are a couple other places I want to show you before we head home.”

So they walked and laughed and explored, only to ended up at the Sky Bar. Dan was careful to have only one drink, because he knew that he needed to keep his wits about him. With Phil’s leg pressed firmly against his own, and his tongue making an appearance every time he laughed, Dan found it harder to stick to his decision to not take the next step. It didn’t stop him from, as they walked back to Phil’s house, slightly tipsy and giggling, letting Phil intertwine their fingers. It didn’t stop him from agreeing to share a bed with the older boy, or from letting himself relax in Phil’s sleepy embrace once they had crawled into bed. Phil had nosed at his cheek, kissed his forehead, and Dan had panicked and pulled away slightly.

“I’m not… I just… I think I… but I’m not…” he stuttered out, and Phil had shushed him.

“You’re alright, Dan. It’s okay,” he whispered, running his hand down Dan’s arm. “Take all the time you need, if you want. I’ll be here. And if you don’t want… well, we don’t ever have to do anything more than you’re comfortable with.”

Dan let out a breath and scooted back to Phil, curling up in his embrace. “I want, eventually. I… just, not right now. But yes.”

“Whenever you’re ready,” Phil said into Dan’s hair. “I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

Dan fell asleep with Phil’s arms around him and the hope that it was always as easy as that, because he could very easily see himself loving this boy.

3.

As the years went by, they settled into a comfortable sense of togetherness. Dan knew they weren’t exactly dating, but they were more than just best friends. There were forehead kisses in the morning and before bed and whenever Phil would pass by Dan and feel like it. They held hands on the couch and in the back of cabs and even on airplanes, occasionally. They were forever in each other’s space, leaning in for comfort or assurance. And when Dan spent hours lying facedown in the hallway, Phil would sit by him and run his hands through Dan’s hair.

They never kissed, until they did.

They had gone out to celebrate someone’s birthday, and as a group, everyone had decided to go from the restaurant to a bar. Dan went along, vowing to stick to the one drink he had at the restaurant, but when they got there and Phil ordered another drink, Dan caved. It wasn’t peer pressure; Dan knew that Phil would never even consider trying to persuade him into doing something he really didn’t want to do. It was just… Dan was tired and tense and Phil seemed so relaxed and happy. He wanted that, and so he ended up with a second drink. And then, an hour later, a third.

It should have been fine, but it wasn’t. By the time the party broke up and they hailed a cab, Dan and Phil were past tipsy and giggling. Dan reached for Phil’s hand across the backseat, but instead just holding it, Dan traced patterns on the back of Phil’s hand. He heard Phil suck in a breath and snuck a glance at him. The older boy was staring at Dan and, with the light from the passing streetlights, Dan could see him biting his lip.

They paid the driver and stumbled out of the car and up the steps, giggling and close the whole way. It wasn’t unusual, but when Dan got the door open and they were safely inside, he turned to find Phil very close, his hand coming up to trail along Dan’s arm.

“Hi,” Phil whispered.

It was too much. Phil, with that look on his face, sending sparks up his arm with softest of touches. Phil, who smelled like the man Dan was used to instead of the sweaty bar. Phil, who was his best friend and the boy he loved in secret. And Dan? He was kind of drunk.

“Hi,” he whispered back, moving closer to Phil, putting one hand on Phil’s waist. “Did you have fun?”

Phil nodded and swallowed, unintentionally drawing Dan’s eyes to the movement. “I always have fun when I’m with you. Even if there are other people around and I can’t pull you to me like I want to.”

Dan looked back up to meet Phil’s eyes. “You wanted to?”

Phil stared at him for a moment. “Always. I always want you near me. The closer, the better. You’re beautiful.”

Dan knew, objectively, that he looked good. But hearing it from Phil, in this context, made his knees go weak. He leaned into Phil, wrapping his arms around the other boy’s waist and burying his face in the crook of Phil’s neck. Phil held him close, one hand securely around him with the other sneaking up his back towards his hair. They stayed like that for a minute or two, before Phil – still whispering – said, “let’s get you to bed, before you fall asleep on me right here.”

Dan made a noise of protest but followed Phil’s lead. He quickly went through the motions of brushing his teeth and changing into his pajamas, but the second he was under the covers, he made grabby hands at Phil, who was just coming back from taking his contacts out.

Phil laughed and joined him in bed, immediately seeking out the space between Dan’s neck and shoulder. They shared a bed often, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. The difference, was they didn’t usually share a bed whilst intoxicated. Normally, having Phil curled up against Dan was comforting. This time, it felt almost sensual. He ran a hand through Phil’s hair and nuzzled his cheek into the top of Phil’s head. Phil looked up. They were just inches apart and Dan felt himself lean closer. Phil stayed still for just a moment, only moving once Dan’s lips had made contact with the tip of his nose. He giggled and returned the nose kiss, having to push himself up a little bit to do so. Dan kissed Phil’s cheek and it was kind of a blur, but the next thing he knew, he was pressing his lips to Phil’s and Phil was kissing him back and it was the best thing in the world. His hazy mind wondered why they’d never done that before.

Far too soon for Dan’s liking, Phil pulled away to breathe. The older boy looked down at Dan with a fond expression that made Dan’s chest ache. It was the same look Phil gave Dan nearly every day, but so much more intense. Dan never wanted it to end.

Phil leaned back and gave Dan another kiss, shorter this time, before pulling away and curling up against Dan again. “I’m falling asleep,” he mumbled. “I could do that forever but I’m so…” he cut himself off with a yawn, getting his point across anyway.

Dan nodded sleepily, shifting slightly to bring one arm around Phil. “Sleep,” he said gently. “I’ve got you.” The last thing he thought before drifting off to sleep to Phil’s steady breathing, was that this felt right.

In stark contrast, the first thing he thought when he woke up was to wonder what the hell he’d done. He felt Phil stir next to him and it took a second for his brain to catch up. He remembered being drunk and he remembered… kissing Phil. His mind went into a panic, wondering if maybe he had just made that part up. Maybe it didn’t really happen. Maybe he hadn’t screwed up.

He opened his eyes and saw Phil smiling sleepily at him. Dan forced a smile back, but then Phil got closer, bringing his nose to Dan’s cheek. When Dan tensed, Phil pulled back, the smile gone and his brows furrowed in concern.

“Dan?” He asked hesitantly.

He couldn’t breathe. This wasn’t happening. Except, it was, and Phil was staring at him with concern and fear and – Dan looked away and tried to take a deep breath. It wasn’t working.

“Dan, breathe. Copy me, okay? In…” Phil exaggerated his breathing and, despite the confliction in his head right now over his best friend, Dan focused on that. “And out…”

It took a minute, but Dan got his breathing under control just enough to process what had just happened. It almost started a second round of panicking, but he threw back the covers and grabbed his jeans off the floor. Phil was still sitting in bed, Dan knew, but ignored that as he hurriedly switched his pajama pants out for his jeans and grabbed the first shirt he could find. His shoes were by the door and that was his next goal.

“I… I’m sorry,” he stuttered out. “I can’t. I… That wasn’t supposed to happen.” He tried to say more but couldn’t, so he did the next best thing: fled. He could hear Phil behind him, throwing back the covers and following after him, but Dan had one shoe on by the time Phil got to the door.

“Dan, wait. Please, just talk to me. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have taken it farther when we were drunk. Please don’t be mad.” Phil’s words threatened to break his heart, so Dan deliberately didn’t look up as he got his other shoe on. He could tell Phil was standing close, but not in the path to the door. He just needed to get out of there.

“I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I just… I’m sorry. I have to go. I did so well for so long and now it’s ruined and I just…” he felt his breathing speed up and shook his head before reaching for the door. “I have to go.”

And with that, he ran. He knew Phil wouldn’t follow him – or, wouldn’t follow him far – because the other boy was in pajama pants, without a shirt or shoes. Dan realized belatedly that he hadn’t brushed his teeth, and then realized that he also hadn’t grabbed his phone or his keys. That was just as well. His brain supplied plenty of scenarios in which he had to move out, because the magic wore off and Phil didn’t want him around anymore, and ones where his entire career went haywire because there was too much tension between him and Phil, and even ones where he lost his best friend. He didn’t want to be alone again. Sure, he didn’t want to lose his flat or his job, but losing his best friend was the worst.

By the time Phil found him on a park bench, with his knees pulled up to his chest, he was sobbing. Dan had no idea how much time had passed, nor did he know how Phil managed to find him. A small part of him wished he hadn’t, but the more logical side of his brain was relieved. At least he’d be able to get home this time. And – the nagging voice added – at least he wouldn’t have to wait to find out that his life was going to fall apart.

He should have known better, honestly. Phil approached him slowly and gingerly sat down on the bench. He was close enough to touch but deliberately not doing so.

“Dan,” Phil said in a voice just above a whisper. “Dan, you need to drink something. You’re probably close to being dehydrated.” Dan felt something against his leg and peaked out of his hands to see Phil holding out a water bottle. He sobbed harder, remembering that Phil loved him right now and that this probably wasn’t easy for him, either. Phil just didn’t have the luxury of knowing what was going on.

After a moment, Dan took the bottle and sipped, knowing that Phil was right. They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Dan had all but stopped crying. He finally dared to look over at his friend, who was looking at him with an expression Dan couldn’t quite read.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, his face still not giving anything away. Dan shook his head, and Phil nodded. “You said you’d done so well for so long… what did you mean?”

Dan felt tears prick at his eyes again and quickly shut his eyes and shook his head. He couldn’t have this conversation. As if he realized that, Phil spoke up quickly.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” He hesitated. “Would… would you like to just forget that last night happened? We can just pretend like we came home and went to bed and that was it. If you want.”

Dan looked back at Phil. He couldn’t believe he was getting that option. He almost said yes, but that wasn’t really what he wanted. He wanted to kiss Phil every day of his life, but he couldn’t have that, either. Instead, he took a deep breath. “We don’t… we don’t have to forget. It just can’t happen again. Which is almost like forgetting but…” he trailed off, not sure why the difference was important to him, or how he could explain it without explaining everything.

Phil bit his lip and nodded, and Dan watched as tears started to form in his best friend’s eyes. Phil quickly blinked them away and stood up, offering a hand to Dan. “Right, then. Let’s get you home. Oh, and,” he reached into his pocket and produced Dan’s phone, “next time, grab your phone on the way out, please. Or your wallet. Or something.”

Dan flinched at the tone, or maybe at the implication that there would be a next time in regards to him running out of the flat, but he allowed himself to focus on the reminder that they were going home together, and the assurance that they’d stay living together for a while. Dan took his phone, and Phil’s hand to pull himself up. The older boy dropped Dan’s hand once he was standing, but Dan couldn’t blame him for that. He wouldn’t want to hold his hand, either, if he were Phil. He’d have to take what he could get and not hope for more, because he’d been the one to draw the proverbial line in the sand, and he couldn’t fault Phil for respecting that.

4.

It took some time, but things went back to normal in the Dan and Phil household. Dan was on edge for a week, but nothing out of the ordinary happened, either during that time or as the magic wore off. He allowed himself to relax after about three months, and slowly but surely, it got more comfortable between them. Phil pressed a kiss into Dan’s hair one night, and Dan felt himself relax a bit. Phil pulled back, studied Dan for a moment, and quietly asked if that was okay. Dan hesitated for just a second before nodding. The look on Phil’s face made Dan’s heart flip, but he reminded himself that it was probably just Phil’s reaction to another thing going back to normal.

And normal things were. They renewed the lease on their flat, intertwined their brands, channels, and lives, and went back to being in each other’s space more often than not. If Dan hadn’t known better, he would have assumed that the weird period of uncertainty in their lives never happened. Since he did know better, he was always thankful that kissing his best friend and then allowing the magic to fade hadn’t ruined them. He thought about it frequently, but it didn’t come up. Even when they were both a little drunk, it didn’t come up. Even through the fan shipping, it wasn’t mentioned. And – to Dan’s relief – the situation didn’t repeat itself. He honestly thought that it might, given his ever present feelings towards the older man, but it just didn’t. Dan wasn’t sure if Phil was consciously keeping that distance or not, but he appreciated it. He also kind of hated it, but it was for the better.

Then one day, out of the blue, Phil brought it up.

“Why were you so upset when we kissed?”

Dan’s head snapped up. “What?”

“A few years ago. We got drunk and kissed and when you woke up the next morning and remembered, you freaked out. Was it just that we were drunk, or did you really not want to kiss me that badly?”

Dan studied his best friend for a minute. Phil’s tone was nonchalant, but he was sitting stiffly with his legs crossed on the couch, picking at a loose thread on his pajama pants. It was the first time they’d mentioned it in years, and Dan wasn’t sure what to say.

“I…” he swallowed. “Um…”

Phil sighed. “That’s alright. Forget I asked.” He stood up and closed his laptop. Dan could see the way his eyes changed as tears started forming. It broke his heart.

“I wanted to kiss you,” Dan said, surprising himself. From the looks of it, it surprised Phil as well.

“What?”

Dan shook his head. This was really going to happen. “Sit down and I’ll explain. It’s kind of… a lot.”

Phil’s face scrunched, like he was confused and hurt and also trying not to cry. “You don’t have to sugar coat it, Dan. We were drunk, it happened, and then you got scared. Is that it?”

“No. I mean, well, yes, that too, but… just, sit down. Please.” He looked up at Phil, trying to memorize the way Phil looked at him. The last time he would ever look at Dan without knowing. Dan hoped that it wouldn’t be the last time ever. It wasn’t that weird of a secret, was it? Maybe it was, but it was too late now.

Phil sat.

“When I kiss someone, they fall in love with me,” Dan said slowly. Phil blinked at him. “It’s magic. It lasts for about five days, if we don’t kiss again during that time. I mean, I guess each kiss like, expires or wears off in five days. It’s been this way since I was a kid.”

“So… you didn’t want me to fall in love with you?” Dan hadn’t thought it was possible for Phil to look more hurt than he already did, but it was happening.

“No! No, it’s not… it’s not that. I didn’t, um.” Dan took a breath. “I didn’t want it to not be real,” he said, very quietly. “I didn’t want you to go visit your parents for a week and come back and not love me anymore. Because I would still love you, and the kiss would have worn off and you’d come home wondering why you thought you loved me. And I just couldn’t handle that happening. I had to stop it before it got that far.” Dan dropped his head into his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

Phil was quiet for a minute, but Dan didn’t move. He couldn’t bring himself to look up and see the emotion displayed on Phil’s face. He knew it would be there but he didn’t know where it would settle – horror, disgust, concern, amusement, pity. It was like Schrodinger’s cat; if he didn’t look up, he didn’t have to accept reality.

Finally, Phil spoke up. “So you’re saying that for five days after we kissed, I loved you because of magic?”

Dan nodded, but still didn’t look up.

Phil sighed. “Oh, Dan. I wish you had told me then.” A thousand thoughts flew through Dan’s head, all culminating in the sure knowledge that Phil regretted spending the last few years of his life with such a freak. And, as if Phil knew what was happening, he moved closer. “Dan. Hey. Immediately after we kissed, and the next morning before you woke up? I was happier than I think I ever had been, but I didn’t feel any different. Even when you panicked and stuttered and ran, I didn’t feel any different than I did the last time you left the flat in a rush without your phone. I mean, I was hurt that you didn’t want to kiss me and that you thought it was a mistake… but I still felt the same way towards you. And it didn’t… fade. Or go away. Or change. I loved you before we kissed, and I love you now. I’m not saying that you don’t have a magic kiss, but, Dan? It wasn’t necessary. Not for me. I loved you anyway. I could never kiss you again and still be just as in love with you as I was then, if not more.”

Dan looked up in disbelief. Phil’s eyes were brimming with tears, and Dan felt the tear tracks down his own cheeks. Phil shook his head and reached for Dan, who allowed himself to be pulled into a hug. This was really happening. Phil loved him, even after all those years. The magic-induced love and the subsequent wearing off of said love hadn’t changed anything. It hadn’t ruined it.

He wished they’d had that conversation sooner, but even as he thought that, he knew that he would have been skeptical and anxious if they’d talked about it earlier. Despite missing out on years of reciprocated love, he knew that the timing was for the best.

And boy did it feel amazing to love and be loved by Phil. For the first time, maybe ever, Dan wasn’t the least bit anxious about being this close to Phil. His heart rate sped up as Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s cheek, but for a very different reason than ever before. He felt himself melt even further into Phil, who had one hand around Dan’s waist and the other pressed against his shoulder blades.

“Can I kiss you?” Phil whispered, and for the first time, Dan nodded.

5.

It took some getting used to, the knowledge that Phil loved him back. At first, Dan would have mornings where he woke up first and just watched Phil sleep, wondering how he’d managed to be the person this man fell in love with. At first, Dan would have nights where he was sure that the only thing keeping Phil with him was the magic pull of his kiss.

Phil was only aware of the latter. He’d roll his eyes and pull Dan close, whispering to him about how he loved him for years before they ever kissed, and for years between their first and second kisses. He’d assure Dan that his love was real, and that magic couldn’t induce something that already existed. Phil would spend hours some days just reassuring Dan that he wasn’t going anywhere.

Dan, for his part, would turn to the forum, asking for advice on being in a long-term relationship with someone who wasn’t, hopefully, bound by magic. There had been a flood of ‘but why does it matter; you have them now’ comments, but Dan sought out the ones posted by people in a similar situation. ‘You just have to trust your partner,’ one girl had written. ‘Also, in my experience, love that is only fueled by magic doesn’t get stronger. It just remains constant.’

That comment had left Dan staring at his laptop far after the screen had gone to sleep. The girl who had said it was someone with whom Dan had chatted with before. She was also in a long-term relationship and, while she was still totally anonymous aside from her gender, she felt like a friend. Or, well, the closest thing to a friend Dan had ever really found on the forum. Most people were friendly, and usually helpful, but not a ton of the people currently in relationships had been as careful as Dan had been.

By the time Phil found him, it was dark outside. Dan wasn’t quite sure how long he’d been staring at the screen, but Phil closed his laptop and removed it from Dan’s lap. His boyfriend sat down next to him and took Dan’s hands in his own. When Dan looked over at him, he could see the concern in Phil’s eyes.

“Dan? Talk to me.”

Dan bit his lip. “I just… do you still love me?” For real, he meant but didn’t say. Without magic. Will you leave if we stop kissing for too long?

He didn’t need to explain. Phil smiled at him, and then the smile grew into a laugh. Dan didn’t have time to feel hurt, because Phil leaned forward and hugged Dan.

“Always,” he whispered into Dan’s ear. “I’ll always love you.”

“But,” Dan said, struggling with the need for reassurance. “But how do you know?”

“Because I loved you for years and years before we ever kissed, and then I loved you after we kissed, and I love you even more now.” Phil pulled away and cupped Dan’s face with one hand. “If I loved you because of your magical charm, wouldn’t I just love you the same as I did the day we kissed?

And there it was. Phil, without knowing what the girl from the forum had said, had come to the same conclusion. Magic might have created the love, but it didn’t grow it. It didn’t create the kind of love that they wrote songs about. It just created love, and that wasn’t what Phil felt.

Dan relaxed a bit after that, and relaxed even more when Phil caught a cold and wouldn’t let Dan near him (other than to bring soup and water) for four days. When Phil woke up on the fifth day feeling much better, Dan didn’t hesitate to kiss his boyfriend. Phil rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything, knowing that Dan had been anxious about the side effects of the magic wearing off.

Inevitably, though, Phil went out of town for a week during a time when Dan couldn’t go. He wanted to; Phil had a wedding to go to and while Dan had been invited, he had to stay behind to go to the meetings that they’d had no input in scheduling. The first few days were okay, but from day five onward, Dan was just a mess. Phil assured him every night, over Skype and text and the occasional phone call, that he still loved him, that he’d always love him. Still, Dan worried.

So naturally, when Phil came home, Dan scrambled up from the couch and met Phil halfway. He wrapped his boyfriend in a hug, breathing in the scent that was so unmistakably Phil, but pulled away after a few moments.

“That was a lovely welcome,” Phil said, a small smile on his face. “Are you alright?”

“Do you still love me?” Dan blurted.

Phil’s smile grew, and his expression turned into the fond look that Dan just adored. “Dan. Of course I still love you. Come here,” he said, reaching for Dan and pulling him back into a hug. With one arm securely around Dan’s waist, he moved the other to the back of Dan’s head and ran his fingers through the soft curls. “I’m guessing you wanted to ask before you kissed me again?” When Dan nodded against Phil’s neck, the older man laughed softly. “Right. Well, here you go. I love you, forever. I missed you so much, and I’ll admit, I wondered what would happen when I woke up on the sixth day. I knew I’d still love you, because I always have, but I wondered if I’d feel something different. I don’t know how to explain it, but I almost wondered if I’d love you more. Like,” Phil took a breath, “I wondered if my feelings for you were stronger than the magic in your kiss.” He paused, but Dan didn’t dare say anything. “But when I woke up, I forgot that it was the sixth day away from you. I woke up and sent you a good morning text, and then ran downstairs to beat my brother to the pancakes. It wasn’t until about noon when I realized that nothing had changed. Then I had to try and figure out if I loved you because of a habit or because it was actual, real love… Not that I expected for a second to not love you anymore, but I knew you’d ask. I knew you’d wonder if I said I loved you because it’s what I’ve known for so long.

“But then I was telling Mum something about the next tour, and she was staring at me with this little smile on her face, and I asked her what she was up to. You know what she said? ‘You really love that boy, don’t you, child?’ And I just stared at her for a moment, because if it was that obvious, then surely it was real. So I nodded – and I’ve never told her anything about your magic or anything, because it didn’t matter, you know? She knew I loved you long before I knew about the magic – and she just laughed. ‘You light up even more now when you talk about him,’ she told me. ‘I love seeing you so in love with someone who loves you just as much.’ So, Dan, if my mum was so sure of what she was seeing… I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

Dan didn’t know when he’d started crying, but suddenly, he was sobbing into Phil’s shoulder. He noted how Phil didn’t even seem surprised, just hugged him tighter and kissed his head. Dan didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky, but before he could dwell on that, Phil was kissing him and Dan was kissing back. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, but eventually, Phil gently separated himself from Dan, grabbed his suitcase, and then took Dan’s hand.

“Let’s call it a night, hm?” Phil said. “I’m kind of exhausted and just want to be near you.” Dan couldn’t agree more.

“So you really do love me, then?” Dan asked softly, once they were curled up in bed, with their teeth brushed and pajamas on. Dan didn’t move, instead speaking into the space between Dan’s neck and shoulder. “Because I love you, more than anything, and I just… I want to make sure you’re here because you want to be.”

Phil pulled away slightly, but only to look Dan in the eye. His gaze was fond and his tone was soft but sure. “Yes, Dan. I love you. I always have. Whether you kiss me every day or not, I’ll love you forever.”