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Koga alway had a habit of downplaying his pain, to himself and to others. The beginnings of a cold had plagued him for the last week, but with midterms coming up and the weather being chilly anyway, Koga found it easy to ignore. The thought was pushed to the back of his mind while he did his best to ignore the symptoms—like how standing made him feel lightheaded, and the pressure on his sinuses made his head feel like it might explode, and how simply riding to his classes had him sweating buckets now. It wasn't until after pulling an all-nighter to cram for a morning quiz that Koga woke up really feeling like he was on the brink of death.
No matter what the season, exams were always a tough time for Koga for some reason. Maybe he was afraid of failure. Or maybe, he was afraid of discovering why he failed, and that failure isn't an accident, nor a matter of time or fortune. That it all really did all come down to himself, and his own inherent weakness and inability. Thoughts like that lodged themselves in the back of Koga's throat, crawling down and festering inside of his spirit.
He always hoped that his stress wasn't obvious, but maybe it was because his friends made a habit out of checking in on him regularly during exams now that they were attending university. Like how for the last month the three had begun to diligently meet during their mornings (the only precious time they had before their hectic days began.) It was originally Aoyagi's idea—probably one of his gentle strategies to keep Teshima and Koga from tearing themselves apart before the semester ended.
Officially, the dates were for tea and studying, but because getting all three of their schedules to work was nearly impossible, along with the fact that they had to be up earlier than the birds, it wasn't unusual for their meetings to devolve into simple chatter and hand holding. (The first time the two had casually taken both of Koga's hands into their own, he almost jumped out of his skin, and was left speechless for the remainder of the conversation.)
Today, Koga was five minutes late by the time he could make it out the front door. The cold of the morning combined with the pollen of spring made his head swim. The pressure he felt against the inside of his sinuses and the back of his eyes was making it difficult for Koga to tell himself he could tough it out.
The two might have already suspected something when Koga was late to their study date, and suddenly Koga couldn't deny how uncharacteristically hot he felt. Like his insides were soup, hot noodles, and broth turning and turning until he felt dizzy and the glass doors of the entrance became nearly too heavy to open. The muscles in his limbs protested, but he managed to press on until he reached their regular table.
Koga was visibly out of breath when he sat down. Teshima had a hand unconsciously clutching at his own curls as he concentrated at the school work laid out before him. Aoyagi had a sketchbook out over his textbook and was diligently shading various figures. They both looked up as Koga sat down, happy to take a break, but Koga's exhaustion did not go unnoticed. They both exchanged a glance.
"Are you okay?" Aoyagi was the first to speak up. Koga waved the smaller boy's concern away, despite the pain in his skull and the heaviness that had firmly settled into his chest.
"Kimitaka, you're not feeling well, are you?" Teshima filled the space where Koga's silence would have hung, his own face looking worn down and weary despite his smile. It reminded Koga of how bad he must look to the other two right now. He was aware of the tired lines that pulled on his face, the colorless complexion he had taken on, the dark circles.
And yet despite his tired demeanor, Teshima was still able to pull himself together.
Koga looked away.
Teshima sighed, going on before Koga could defend himself.
"It can't be helped then, let's go back to your dorm." He wanted to disagree and tell them that no, he was an adult and was certainly able to take care of himself. But at this point, Koga felt too tired to argue.
The bike ride back was even more draining, but Koga's stamina managed to pull him through despite the ache and burn of his muscles. Teshima talked the entire time, exhaustion leaking into his voice that made Koga grit his teeth.
It seemed like that before he knew it Koga was finally falling back into bed. Aoyagi followed closely behind, sitting on the edge of the unmade sheets and blankets, while Teshima scanned the small kitchen area for supplies.
Koga offered to continue their study session now, and tried to tell them that he's nothing to worry about, and besides, he couldn't excuse an entire day spent sweating under a comforter.
"No. No work. Just rest. Stop being stubborn, Kimitaka and go to sleep," Aoyagi warned him, pulling the blanket over Koga.
I want to tough it out, Koga thought, it's all I know how to do. He was about to protest again but a look from Aoyagi had his will relenting.
It was a bit embarrassing to have the two in his dorm when zero preparation had been made. And besides, Koga was used to taking care of himself, for the most part. When he had to stay home sick and miss school he'd make his own soup, warm his own towels. His mom would kiss him on the cheek and praise him for his maturity. And sure, sometimes being mature felt lonely (if Koga reached out, whose hand would hold on to his?) but that's what was expected of him.
When Koga moved into his dorm it felt a little like the four walls of his home bedroom, welcoming to loneliness. It was easy for him to fall into the trap of an isolating routine (not unlike ones he had adopted in the past.) Koga's dorm was a bit messier, and it was full of more treasures than his old room ever was. Pictures of him and his team, of races and bicycles, his friends and support (it was obvious from a first glance who appeared the most often in his memories.) He had up art that Aoyagi had given him, letters that seniors had written him. The walls of Koga's dorm made it clear what he loved. In high school, he hadn't lived like this, hadn't known how to live like this just yet.
Before Koga would have driven himself into the ground before burdening anyone but himself with the task of picking himself back up again. But now, Koga had gotten caught up in the pressure of his studies and had failed to take care of himself. Now, maybe he felt relieved to have Aoyagi and Teshima by his side while he's down.
Koga coughed, interrupting his own thoughts. Every cough felt like a shock to his lungs, like soft and heavy blows. Without a word, Aoyagi left and returned with a glass of water for him. Koga thanked him with a rasp.
"Stay put you two, I'm going to go get something to help Kimitaka feel better," Teshima called from the other room. The door shut audibly behind him, the cold air of the morning lingering behind him.
Without a word, Aoyagi brought his palm up to cup Koga's heated forehead. He exhaled in disapproval, lowering his hand to trace the other's jaw with a gentleness and slowness that Koga acknowledged as feeling slightly foreign.
Aoyagi's shoulders were visibly stiff from stress. It reminded Koga of the darkness under Teshima's eyes, and that somehow, he's the only one that can't seem to get back up when he's fallen.
"You don't have to dote on me, Hajime—"
"I want to."
Aoyagi's lips barely touched his but all Koga could feel was a rush of warmth and electricity gush from his chest in messy heartbeats and shivers.
"Don't do that Hajime, I'm probably contagious."
Aoyagi hummed as if he was considering what the other had said while shifting his legs until he was laying alongside Koga in the bed. He fit snugly in the space between Koga and his arms. A small sound escaped Koga when Aoyagi tilted his head further into the crook of his neck.
Koga didn't push for an explanation, reminding himself that Aoyagi had always accepted him the way he was.
Koga doesn't know how long he was floating, too content to just lay with the other now. But when the front door opened again, Koga bolted upright without thinking.
"Hm? What are you two doing snuggling? Are we really going to skip studying entirely? I got that new tea I was telling you two about, the one that—" Teshima set down a cup of tea as he entered the room, pulling his jacket off now that he was back inside.
"Junta," Aoyagi called out firmly, without opening his eyes.
"Hm? What's wrong? Are you sick now too?" Teshima raised a hand to rest on Aoyagi's forehead.
"Lay down. You need to take a break too. We all do."
Teshima moves like he's going to protest until Aoyagi opens his eyes to meet his. A moment passed before Teshima complied. (If it was reluctance Koga couldn't tell.) All three of them shifted in the much too small bed, Teshima twisting his arm so that he can take hold of Koga's.
Koga relished in the warmth of Teshima's pressing skin.
For most of his life, Koga had relied on himself when he was hurt or sick. But having the two there to ease his pain, to look out for him—Koga hadn't realized how badly he missed it.
"I'm sorry," Koga thought he heard himself say, his throat tightening in pain before he could continue, "I just...I don't want to be the one that's left behind." Again. No one said it, but the word hung heavy in the air.
"There's nothing to be sorry about, Kimitaka. We all have bad days, that doesn't make us bad people."
Koga was too close to drifting into sleep to distinguish who had replied, to tell if any of them were actually speaking right now at all or if it was just the sickness talking. But he sniffled and pulled the two a bit closer, his chest feeling heavy with a new content.
"And you don't have to worry about being left behind, Kimitaka. We're not going anywhere without you."
Their smiles were pressed against either side of Koga's arms, their arms held him gently through his shivers and shudders. Combined it felt like the kind of medicine Koga had been needing for years.