Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Emma loved chemistry class. It was a safe haven for her, a place where everyone was either too bored or too invested to even notice the way she sat, or the pictures she doodled in her notebook. Chemistry class was Emma’s home away from grandma’s home, the one place she truly felt she could be safe.

There was another reason she looked forward to chemistry, through, a much more pathetic reason but a reason nevertheless: Alyssa Green. She was the prettiest girl in school, and for some reason, one of the nicest too. Sure, she didn’t hold doors for her or anything, but Alyssa’s eyes always looked guilty whenever she’d stumble upon someone being mean to her. Truly, she was a diamond in the rough, gold amongst pyrite, an angel living with man.

Still, it’s not like Emma actually had a crush on her right off the bat. She was just fun to draw, and though they never really spoke, Alyssa answered questions a lot, and her voice was like a fucking drug. Alyssa was simply one of those people everyone either wanted to be with or to be, and for a while, Emma seriously thought she fell into the latter category.

That was, until, their teacher had assigned them a lab. Emma never really knew what it was about- something having to do with peanut brittle- but she always was partnered with the smartest kid in the school, so she didn’t have any need to pay attention to the experiment. Instead, she spent her time as she usually did: pretending not to be watching Alyssa. Emma was starting to relax when suddenly, a loud bang shocked her back to her senses. Next thing she knew, she was being shoved out of the room, and soon enough the whole class was crowded in the hallway. It was only then, once the commotion was over and kids felt safe enough to chat amongst themselves, did she realize what had happened. Holy shit, Alyssa blew up her goddamn peanut brittle . The thought alone was enough to bring a smile to her lips, though she wasn’t quite sure why.

Emma ended up right next to Alyssa, as fate would have it. She was laughing, face flushing bright red with embarrassment at what had just happened. “I can’t believe I managed that.” Emma was confused. There was no one else around her, so that must mean she was talking to her? Why? Was this the wind up to some cruel joke at her expense? “Yeah, it was pretty impressive.” She hoped she didn’t sound as awkward as she truly felt, letting out a nervous laugh with her words.

Usually, Emma could handle when people insulted her. It was kind of an everyday thing at this point, and Emma had learned to cope fairly early on. But the thought of Alyssa making fun of her scared her in ways she couldn’t quite explain. It wasn’t the kind of scary that caused you to sweat and panic, but the kind that left a poisonous pit in your stomach that made you feel ugly and worthless. It was awful, and yet Emma still relished in the feeling. It was something new, something exciting, something interesting. She just wished she could put a name to the feeling.

“I didn’t even know peanut brittle could do that!” Alyssa’s giggle was so adorable it must have been criminal. It was a weapon, one that could make Emma’s entire mind short circuit and shrivel up in seconds. “Yeah, it sure is crazy.” Emma forced a laugh of her own, still unsure of where this conversation was going. “I heard you play at the thanksgiving rally, by the way.” She offered Emma a gentle smile. “You were really good.” Her voice was softer than it was when she usually complemented someone. It was more genuine, more believable, and much cuter. “Oh god, but I was so bad.”

It was a weird interaction. Though the initial confusion had wore off, Emma was still left utterly dazed at the simple fact that Alyssa had remembered that awful performance. “No! You really were amazing. Like, seriously, I was blown away.” It was then Emma realized the cause of her nervousness: love. As much as she could deny it or try to push it down, there was no denying it now. Emma Nolan was absolutely, positively, undeniably whipped for a girl she had only spoken to once. She opened her mouth to speak, just to say anything at all to make sure the conversation progressed, when the bell rang.

“Class is over already?” Alyssa asked, slinging her bag over her shoulder with a little hum. “Hey, I have cheer practice after school, but you should totally meet me after school in the band closet. It’s like, right by the field- it’s not that hard to miss.” And with that, before Emma could even ask her what time, she was gone, already in a conversation with one of her cheerleader friends.

Emma knew better than to do what people like Alyssa told her to. She had watched Carrie before- she knew what happened to the geeky girl when they accepted odd invites from near strangers. Still, she went anyways. She sat and waited for ten, twenty, thirty minutes, just sitting there and twiddling her thumbs. A part of her wanted to check her phone, but she had nothing to check. No one texted her, she followed maybe eleven people on instagram, and when you factored in time differences, all of her friends were probably asleep right now. She supposed now was as good of a time as any to try using her phone less.

“Hey, sorry to keep you waiting.” By the time Alyssa actually walked through the door, Emma was getting ready to give up on her. “It’s fine. I haven’t been here for long.” Emma was usually pretty good with lying, but not now, not when she was in front of the prettiest girl in school in a secluded band closet. “I tried to come earlier, but Ruthie saw me talking to you in chemistry and I figured trying to sneak off before practice would be too suspicious, and-”

Though Emma found her rambling nothing short of adorable, she was eager to see what this secret meeting would entail, “Ruthie should mind her own business. Besides, it’s not like we’re doing anything weird.” That was a lie. This entire situation was weird. Alyssa had no reason to talk to her, let alone make her sneak off to a place like this.

There was silence for a moment. It was the kind of quiet that made you feel tense, the kind that always came before important conversations. It made Emma antsy, “Why did you want me to come here, anyways?” Alyssa hesitated before answering. “Well… I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go see a movie me sometime.”

Emma’s heart may as well have stopped. “Like… Like a date?” She had no idea what was happening. Like, seriously, no idea. “Sorry- I shouldn’t have even asked. Obviously not, I mean, you’re straight right? Oh god, and now I made this even more awkward than it already was, and-”

“Yes, like as a date.” Alyssa didn’t feel the need to address any of Emma’s apology, because Emma had no need to apologize. “I know we don’t know each other that well, but when I heard you play way back then… God, I’ve never fallen so hard for someone. It was like magic.”

Alyssa had to leave shortly after that, but Emma lingered, relishing in the what had just happened, and dreaming of what was yet to come. She predicted that she would grow tired of their secret hideaway, but on the contrary, the time she spent in that stupid band closet was always the best part of her day. She loved waiting until the lights went out until they sat next to each other, enjoyed hearing all of the hilarious things Brett said on Alyssa’s fake guy dates, and even waiting for her to show up became a cherished part of her day.

She had yet another reason to love chemistry class now. Whenever Emma couldn’t understand something (which was quite frequent), Alyssa would never hesitate to offer her a helping hand. And, even when Emma didn’t need help, she could finally safely doodle drawing after drawing of her beautiful girlfriend.

Chapter Text

Since she was about twelve, Lillianna knew there was something different about her. When all her friends were going guy crazy, she could never quite puzzle out what made them so attractive. Guys were just bland for her, she never liked them the same ways her friends did. Her friends just laughed at her when she said girls made her heart flutter, and when she told her mom about it, she reassured her that it was just a phase. She always hoped that when she went into high school she would finally be able to understand what came so easily to her friends.

That didn’t happen. Instead, all she managed to understand was why she never found boys hot: she was a lesbian. She first heard the word when she stumbled upon a group of cheerleaders picking on this one girl in her class. They were taunting her with the word, using it to belittle her and make her feel like she was nothing. It was only when she later asked her what it meant did it finally click. Lesbians were girls who liked girls. Lillianna was a girl who, despite her best efforts, liked other girls. God, Lillianna was fucked.

She cut the girl off from her life after that. She just couldn’t risk people thinking she was gay too, not when they would be right. Instead, she shut herself off from the world for as long as she could. The only companion she accepted was whatever book she was reading at the time. It worked for a while, up until sophomore year even. And then, she met Ruthie Jenkins. She didn’t start out wanting to be her friend, after all, Ruthie was one of those girls who, though were breathtakingly gorgeous, could also probably tear her to shreds in seconds. But Ruthie was failing, and her teacher had practically begged Lillianna to help tutor her. So, every day, Lillianna would carpool home with Ruthie’s parents and do her best to focus on the chemistry, rather than how fucking cute Ruthie was in her casual clothing.

Their first conversation wasn’t over anything important. Lillianna had helped her with an equation, Ruthie had said thanks, and then asked her how on Earth she was so smart. Lillianna answered with a simple, ‘I just am, I guess.’, and Ruthie just smiled and said how fucking cool that was. All Lillianna could do was blush and grin until Ruthie asked another chemistry question, which, thank god, was enough to bring her back to her senses. From that day forward, Ruthie and Lillianna were a force to be reckoned with. Outside of school at least. Lillianna still couldn’t bring herself to say a word to Ruthie during class. All of her friends were just so terrifying, so quick to tear other people down, that she’d rather forgo talking to Ruthie all together than incur their wrath.

Plus, they saw enough of each other out of school anyways. Lillianna’s tutoring was more than enough, but considering Ruthie was dating her brother, Damian, she practically spent every second with her. And yeah, it hurt to see those two together, but she always told herself it was for the best. Ruthie was unobtainable, off-limits, absolutely not an option. It was a weird and toxic mindset, but it helped her cope nevertheless. That in mind, she confined her thoughts to her diary, writing all about how much Miss Ruthie Jenkins made her heart soar. Life was fine. Not great, not bad- just fine.

Then Emma Nolan just had to try to bring a girl to prom. What did she honestly expect to happen? The whole situation filled Lillianna with such an ugly feeling of rage. Why did Emma Nolan get to be the special one? Why did she get to be so brave and carefree about being gay? Why couldn’t she be like that, why couldn’t she stand and fight with Emma for what she damn well knew was right.

But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She stayed silent, she forced a laugh whenever Ruthie would make fun of her, and she pretended that what Emma was doing was wrong. She had never felt so horrible in her life, never felt so utterly helpless before. It was a dark time for her, and apparently it showed, given how often Ruthie kept asking her if she was okay. She kept telling her it was fine, that she was just bummed out about the prom getting cancelled. Ruthie believed her.

When it was announced that the prom would be back on, she felt hopeful. She doubted it was the P.T.A. that had budged, but still, the fact that anyone fought for the idea of an inclusive prom gave her hope that there was at least one place in the world where she could live happily, that at least one person wouldn’t mind her existence.

Prepping for prom was one of the most stressful things Lillianna had ever done. Ruthie looked so good in her dress, and Lillianna looked so weird in hers. Still, she did her best to persevere, and she did eventually gain a bit of confidence. She was actually starting to enjoy the process by its end. Ruthie could make Lillianna comfortable in any situation, and this one was no exception.

She had gone by herself, while Ruthie went with her brother. The night itself was fine, but the morning after hit her like a fucking truck. How could they set up a separate prom for Emma? Was that the only reason the school managed to get another prom? Because Emma would be attending her own, specially made one? The thought alone made Lillianna feel sick, made her immediately fall back into her old funk. All hope of ever living a normal life was gone. Ruthie went back to asking if she was alright, and in response, Lillianna distanced herself from her. It just hurt too much to be around her, to be around the very thing she could never have. Months of bottled emotions hit her like a tidal wave, and for once, it was very obvious that Lillianna was nothing even close to okay.

Her brother tried to talk to her, but to no avail. Kids like him were the reason kids like her had to live in fear. She vowed to never let anyone know that she was gay. She would marry a man she didn’t love and have kids she didn’t love, she’d work a job she didn’t love to support the family she didn’t love, and she’d die having living a life she didn’t love. It seemed like a fine plan, maybe even the best one she had come up with.

It was about that point when Ruthie nearly broke her door down trying to get in. Lillianna was forced to let her in, if only to save her door from being broken into a million pieces, but she tried to get her to leave anyways. Ruthie stayed put, though, no matter how much Lillianna begged her to leave. She started telling her all about this actor she had met at the 24 Mart, and how he totally changed the way she thought about everything. Lillianna thought she was dreaming for a moment. There was no way Ruthie Jenkins was saying this to her right now, no way this was actually happening, no way she’d be okay with who she was.

But Ruthie wouldn’t stop talking about it. Lillianna couldn’t take it after a while. She tried to tone her out, but she couldn’t focus on anything except Ruthie, and how cute she looked when she was excited, and before she could stop herself she was leaning in closer and closer until their lips met. Ruthie let out a soft gasp against her lips, clearly caught off guard, but returned the kiss in a moment.

It was over in a matter of seconds. Lillianna’s cheeks flushed a deep pink when she realized what she had done, and in an instant she was spouting out apology after apology, but Ruthie shut her up quick with another kiss. It was just a bit longer this time, but it felt like a century to Lillianna. Time seemed to freeze- holy fuck, Ruthie had kissed her back! She lost herself in the kiss, as tame as it was, and wanted nothing more than to kiss Ruthie forever.

Lillianna tried to speak after the kiss, but nothing came out. All she could do was cry and fling herself into Ruthie’s arms, sobbing into her shirt as she thought of what this could mean for her. Ruthie soothed her, stroking her hair gently and encouraging her to let it out. They stayed like that for a while, even after Lillianna calmed down. She told Ruthie everything, about how hard it was and how desperately she had wanted to be normal, about when she first started crushing on her, and even about her now-trashed plan to live a straight life. She could never go back now, not when she had gotten a taste of something so sweet. And, even if she wanted to, Ruthie would never let her.

Ruthie broke up with Damian that same night. He took it poorly at first, pleading with her on his knees to stay, but he seemed to understand after Ruthie sat him down and spoke honestly with him about her feelings. Ruthie didn’t like guys, and she never would, and she just couldn’t put herself nor Damian through a relationship that was doomed to fail. She liked someone else, someone she refused to tell Damian the name of. And, it helped that she knew for a fact Mandy had a crush on him, and that she’d jump at the chance to date him. Damian loved Ruthie with his very being, but he knew better than to try to fight her on this. He’d rather save their friendship than push a relationship on her.

Damian found his sister’s diary the next day. He knew he shouldn’t have read it, that it was wrong and a breach of both privacy and trust- he just couldn’t help himself. When he read about Lillianna’s obsession with Ruthie, he had the best idea: he would set the two up! He tried for days, dropping sly hints for Ruthie to discover every now and again in conversation, asking Lillianna to go places he knew Ruthie would be. It didn’t take long for Lillianna to catch him red handed, and after Damian’s second heart-to-heart in 24 hours, the two had sorted everything out. Damian made sure Lillianna knew how much he supported her, and how he would do anything to make sure her and Ruthie ended up together by the new prom they’d been hearing rumors about. Lillianna just laughed and told him she was one step ahead of him. She promised that, once Damian started dating again, they would definitely go on a big double date together.

When Alyssa Green came out in front of the entire town, Lillianna saw her chance. She dragged Damian aside and spoke softly, “I’m going to tell mom about me and Ruthie.” Her voice was shaking, fingers playing nervously with the ends of her hair. “Can you tell dad? I can’t… I just can’t do it myself.” It made sense. While he was always closer with their dad, Lillianna had gravitated towards their mom. Of course, he agreed.

Neither of them took it as well as they had hoped. They promised they’d try to understand, and that they wouldn’t get in the way of her happiness, but Lillianna could see the disappointment in their eyes. It was obvious they didn’t believe her, and she knew they’d try to talk her out of it when they realized how serious she was. But she didn’t care. She and Ruthie were unstoppable; they could take on anything their parents had to throw at them.

Ruthie’s parents didn’t react well at all. They threatened to throw her out if she didn’t take it back, to take away every penny they had saved for her college fund and leave her to fend for herself. That scared the shit out of Ruthie, but she had faith in her relationship with Lillianna. They’d be able to survive no matter what. She didn’t know how they’d manage, she just knew that they would somehow. That in mind, she promptly packed herself a bag and left, offering her parents nothing more than two middle fingers and a heartfelt ‘fuck you’ to remember her by.

Ruthie stayed with her cousin and her wife for a while. She would later laugh about how hard her parents had tried to hide them from her, despite the fact they only lived a block away from them. She briefly wondered if she would fall to the same fate, living as nothing more but a distant memory that had been swept under the rug, hidden from future generations. Lillianna ensured her that she’d keep her memory alive no matter how many family reunions they’d have to crash.

They got ready for prom together again, this time at Ruthie’s new home. It felt so much better than either girl could have imagined. They laughed and danced together, any sort of worry far from their minds. Lillianna didn’t have to worry about getting too close when applying Ruthie’s lipstick, or about looking in the wrong place when zipping up her dress. Ruthie could admire Lillianna’s adorable dress without fear of looking weird this time, and when the two were finished, they were stunned with how beautiful the other looked.

Lillianna didn’t really know how to dance. She was born with two left feet, and at first, was against the idea of dancing at all. Ruthie convinced her that it didn’t matter, and through Lillianna didn’t do much of anything during the faster songs, her heart skipped a beat when the first slow song came on. A lot of it was a blur, but she could still remember looking over at Ruthie with tears dotting the corners of her eyes. “Can we?” The question was deeper than Lillianna had intended it to be. Were they allowed to slow dance together? Sure, Emma and Alyssa were doing it, but they were the ones who had fought for this prom to even exist. Could Lillianna and Ruthie do that too?

Ruthie didn’t think about it for more than three seconds before dragging Lillianna to the middle of the dance floor. After giving Lillianna a brief lesson on typical high school dance techniques, she placed a loving hand on her waist, the other resting peacefully on her shoulder. Of course, Lillianna felt her cheeks heat up at the contact. She mimicked Ruthie, quickly getting into the groove of swaying back and forth. Soon enough she found herself smiling, and then laughing when she stepped on Ruthie’s foot. She had no idea if anyone was watching her, and for the first time, she couldn’t give less of a shit. All that mattered was Ruthie, and the way her smile made her heart flutter, or how her laugh was all she needed to laugh herself. Ruthie was the only other person that mattered in the room.

Lillianna thought it would be harder to kiss Ruthie in public. She thought she’d hesitate and look around to make sure no prying eyes were around to see. But instead, she did it without even thinking about it. The kiss was quick, but there was no way of describing how liberated such a small act could make her feel. Lillianna finally felt free to do whatever she wanted, to love whoever she wanted, and though she had fantasized about this day since she was a naive twelve year old girl, it felt better than she could have ever imagined.