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I love you whether or not you love me
I love you even if you think that I don't
Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you, but I don't mind
Why should I mind, why should I mind
Every day, since his accident, Daniel would stop by the hospital after school to check on Johnny and keep him company. The atmosphere was different between the two. After the talk, it took Daniel a while to find common ground again with the boy who he still wanted to be friends with.
Johnny would not say much of anything to Daniel when he first arrived. He would stare at the ceiling or out of the window only nodding in affirmation or in the negative when Daniel asked him questions. He would have bouts of anger and frustration often cursing Daniel from the room, but Daniel never gave up. He was there, right after school, bringing Johnny his homework and sometimes cards and letters from his classmates.
He would take his usual seat in the corner and just wait patiently. He would talk to Johnny about whatever happened throughout his day...filling him in on whatever came to his mind. He was his usual animated self, sometimes bounding from the chair waving his arms when he really got his conversation going. Johnny still refused to really participate. He just watched Daniel...watched his every move until when he could handle no more, roll over on his side and go to sleep. Daniel knew it was his cue to leave. He would try again another day.
Johnny’s parents had come home and of course Sid had flipped his shit when he knew the hospital bill was going to be outrageous. His mother came to see him as soon as she got back. The worry and panic etched on her face. Daniel was in his corner of the room, his schoolwork spread around him and he was deep in thought when she came to the door.
“Johnny!!” She exclaimed.
She went over to him and he looked up at her with accusation in his eyes. She had just been another person who had let him down. He briefly glanced at Daniel, not certain he wanted him here when he talked to her. Daniel had still never met her, so he was a little taken aback by this pretty, young blonde lady in dark black designer jeans and an oversized pink sweater with a huge cowl. She looked young enough to be one of the kids at school.
“What do you want?” He said...his eyes hard. He hated to speak to her that way. She was looking more pale lately, more thin. He was too hurt to ask, but it didn’t go unnoticed.
“I...I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner...if I had only known….”
“Yeah...I’m sorry I had to cut your precious vacation short...I’m sure that really sucked for you.”
“Johnny...that’s not fair…” Laura said staring down at him. She had tears in her eyes, seeing her son in casts all scratched and bruised. All she wanted to do was touch him. She reached for his fingers in the cast. Johnny pulled them away. She nodded and put her hand back by her side.
“How long do they say you’ll be in here before you can come home?”
“Look...I really appreciate your concern but everything is just fine here...I’ll get out when I get out...now if you will excuse me...you can do the same.” Johnny spoke with no emotion. He watched as his mother’s lip trembled. Daniel looked at them both with unease. He had not been trying to eavesdrop but he wanted to know what it was like in their family life. He was saddened by the way Johnny spoke to his mother. She seemed like a very nice lady.
“Johnny...come on man…”
“Stay out of this, LaRusso...go back to your knitting.”
Laura looked over at the tousled dark head of hair bent over schoolwork and turned back to her son.
“Your friend really seems to care about you.”
Johnny snorted. ”Uh huh.”
Betty came in at that moment and did her usual checking and repositioning and making sure that Johnny was as comfortable as he could be. She was the only face he felt happy to see being that the other two traitors in the room had no sympathy at all. He allowed her to poke and prod at him and smiled warmly when she scruffed his head.
“Doin’ just fine today, sugar...they gonna let you out of here real soon!” She left the room smiling at Daniel, a warm motherly smile. She really liked the young man, as well as the one in the bed. They were like sons to her. She was proud of Daniel. There were not many friends, that she knew of, so willing to stay by someone’s side to help them heal, to just be there. Daniel did that tirelessly.
Laura approached the bed once again, when Betty left the room. She smoothed Johnny’s bangs away from his forehead. She just wished he would look at her the way he used to. She missed her son. “When you come home, things are going to be different, I promise.”
Johnny looked back at her skeptically. “You’ve been saying that for years...and now you’re just 19 years too late. You didn’t even to show up to my tournament. You’re just never there...and now...as I almost died...you show your face.” Johnny bit his lip and swallowed hard. It was hurting him to bring the truth, when all he wanted to do was be held by her.
“I really am sorry, Johnny...I was just trying to do the right thing. You have to know that I love you.” She bent down and kissed him softly on the forehead. Johnny briefly closed his eyes to her touch, giving in once more. He just wanted to trust...someone. His fingers brushed over the hem of her fuzzy sweater, intending to latch on to it and pull her to him, but she had turned in that moment to go to the door.
Daniel got up from his chair and gave Johnny a look. He followed Laura out of the hospital room and took her elbow. He turned her around and saw the tears in her eyes.
“You know he really doesn’t mean what he’s saying. You’re his mother. He loves you.”
“I just can’t ever seem to do anything right by him. I am always such a disappointment. I...I want what’s best for him. That’s all I ever wanted.” She touched Daniel’s forearm. “Be there for him. You seem like a really good friend. He needs one.”
Daniel swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. He felt just as helpless as she did at that moment. There was no way to reach him the way he wanted to and it was tearing him up.
“He’s just...going through some stuff...trying to find himself...you know...it’s going to be hard on all of us for a while.”
Laura looked at the boy in wonderment. How could he be so wise and so young? She smiled softly.
“Just don’t give up on him...ok?”
“I’m trying my best.”
For the next several days, Johnny kept progressively getting better. He was able to sit up in his bed for long periods of time. He had been going to physical therapy and finding he was bouncing back better than expected.
Through it all, Daniel showed up everyday like clockwork. He was still claiming to his mother that he was spending more time training with Mr. Miyagi and at times he actually was. He was also taking time to make sure he and Ali were growing closer. He would spend every free moment on the phone with her, working out their problems, explaining to her that things were different now, that he was going to be Johnny’s friend and nothing more.
He was being spread thin, but he did not complain. He took everything on as a part of who he was. He dutifully brought Johnny his schoolwork, working often side by side with him. He would take him for walks around the hospital, wheeling him in a wheelchair around the grounds.
They would sit and play games for hours. Daniel had found a checkerboard and they played monopoly and battleship. He would read to Johnny until one or the other would fall asleep. They both consciously avoided painful topics of conversation. If anything remotely looked like someone was about to talk about things, Daniel would change the subject quickly and bring up something else. Johnny had tried touching him once or twice, just to remember the way he felt. Just to have the contact. Daniel wouldn’t allow it for more than 30 seconds before moving away, or brushing his hand aside. He tried to keep his face neutral and Johnny had to grudgingly commend him on his stubbornness.
Johnny had begun to expect Daniel to be there after school. He expected him to show up with the same determination, the same cheerful face, the same encouraging words. His heart did not hurt any less, but it hurt in a different way now. The combination was killing him and he couldn’t express it in words. He had grown even more quiet and regressed further into himself. It did not go unnoticed by Daniel, but his resolve was stronger. He would beat this. This self-imposed sentence. They both would.
It was around this time as well that other people would start showing up to visit Johnny in the hospital. After word had spread about him being there, Johnny would have a gaggle of girls stopping by to “check in on him”. It was the only time lately that Daniel would actually see him smile. He watched as they all flocked his bed, oooh’ing and ahh’ing and giving him all kinds of sympathy for his injuries. Daniel could tell he was eating it up. He would still sit in his chair (only mildly annoyed) that there were so many girls making Johnny smile, making the crease at the side of his mouth more prominent...the way he allowed them to sign his casts, the way he kept glancing surreptitiously in Daniel’s direction as he flirted hard with them, constantly. He would catch himself staring back...watching if anyone one of them took something too far...but how far was too far...and he didn’t care...did he?
“Oh really...Sandy? It’s really not that big of a deal..I’ll be back on the soccer field in no time.”
“Oh I hope so soon, Johnny...Jenny and I just can’t wait until you are better!! We just can’t stand to see you in so much pain.” To which Johnny would pout his lip and Daniel would roll his eyes and look at the door. He found himself wishing them to leave as soon as they got there. He had actually caught himself sighing loudly as one of the girl's annoyingly shrill giggles broke his concentration while he pretended to study his math assignment. When they stopped by he lost interest in everything...except what was happening on the bed.
“And then Becky said she would take turns with me and Jennifer taking you to school and carrying your books for you...we don’t mind!”
“You girls are real dolls...you know that, right?” Johnny blushed and batted his eyelashes at the group. “Here for me in my time of need...no one has treated me better!” He gave his best puppy dog eyes and they all began AWWW’ing and gushing all over him.
“That’s IT!” A voice from the corner of the room broke up the pity party. They all turned and looked in the direction of where the sound was coming from. Daniel stood there seething. His passive demeanor replaced with contempt.
The girls noticeably huddled closer to Johnny on the bed who was full on smirk. He raised an eyebrow at Daniel and noted the button that was successfully pushed.
“Johnny needs his rest now...ladies….” He said moving them toward the door.
“Nah...LaRusso...I’m fine...why don’t you go take a walk...or something...the ladies and I will be right here when you get back.” He smugly smiled once again and Daniel stood there in shock. He didn’t say another word but shoved the room door open hard as he left.
“Damn it!” He stomped off down the hallway and grabbed himself a soda and walked around the grounds for a while. He reasoned to himself that this was exactly how it should be.
“He should be allowed to see girls...he can do whatever he wants...I don’t care!” He almost looked like someone that belonged on the mental ward, talking to himself, pacing back and forth. “What do I care...been coming here day after day...busting my ass for him? He started kicking a tree that was beside a bench. He knew he needed to calm down. Flashes of those girls...kissing him...suddenly arose, unbidden into his brain. They were doing that right now...he was sure of it. He tried to force those thoughts away, practicing his breathing techniques. He heard Mr. Miyagi’s voice “Innn….ouuuuuuttt...very good Daniel-san.”
Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear
Never worry never be sad
The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can
This is why I don't mind you doubting
He returned back to the room an hour later after he was sure that everyone was gone. Johnny was sitting up on the bed reading a comic book one of the girls had left for him, nonchalantly thumbing through the pages. He heard the door crack open and Daniel slipping inside. He went over to his chair and began packing up his school books in his bag. He didn’t look at Johnny once.
“Hey, LaRusso...where ya been? I needed someone to turn my tv channels for me.”
“Go to hell...asshole.”
“Sheesh, Danielle...what’s with all the hostility?”
Daniel finally turned to look at him, noting that the ever-present smirk had not yet left his face. He continued stuffing his books in angrily. He just wanted to get to Mr. Miyagi’s and forget it for a while.
“Hey...this wouldn’t have anything to do with those chicks who came to see me, right?” He said with a hint of laughter in his voice.
Daniel turned and stormed over to the bed. “No...Johnny...no...not at all...by the way...how many of them had their tongues shoved in your mouth today...you know...to make you feel ‘all better’? He stood there with his hands on his hips, his chest rising and falling his breathing erratic and strained. That part in Johnny’s brain started buzzing again, but he was not going to let him off of the hook. He didn’t make the rules anymore.
“What’s it to you? I thought you’d be pleased...Something wrong in your world again?”
“Cut the bullshit.”
“No...you cut the bullshit! What do you want from me? You want me to sit here and be a martyr to you? You want me to bitch and moan because I can’t have you the way I want to, the way you want me...don’t even think about denying it...and for me to just sit here in some kind of emotional exile? Hell no...I’m tired of all this shit...your constant presence, your dismissal, the way you dangle yourself in front of me every day like a choice piece of meat and when I even think about tasting you, you run away...keep me at a distance, act like everything is normal. What do you want me to do, Daniel? You can’t have it both ways!!
“I’m not trying to have it both ways, Johnny…” He said unconvincingly. His resolve was faltering.
“You could have fooled me...the way your face looked, you wanted to kill them. It clearly didn’t look like someone who had ‘gotten over it’. You can’t keep sending mixed messages like that...you don’t get to play God!”
Daniel was at a loss for words. His mind was spinning. He started then stopped a sentence and stood there gaping at Johnny.
“You wanted this, LaRusso...and I’m just giving you what you want. It’s up to you to stay around and watch it happen.”
“Goddammit...you don’t think this has been hard on me as well? Sit here with you all day, help you eat, help you move, do more than any of those brain dead girls could ever do for you and you low blow me like that. What’s the point...man?”
“Yeah...what is the point...you better hurry up and make it!”
“You know what...it’s really just not worth it is, it?” Daniel said grabbing his bag and heading to the door. “At first, it was the guilt you know...I couldn’t leave you in here with no one because the accident was partly my fault. I cared about you despite what you may think. I just needed to care with a level head. Being in too deep, too involved was not good for neither of us…” He hesitated with his hand on the knob.
“That’s where you’re wrong, LaRusso...I could have gone through this so much easier if I knew that you loved me, that you were with me, touching me...kissing me...being mine. This person...this you...it’s not you...it’s just some sort of fake mannequin that shows up like one of those nurses out there...clinical...cold…”
“That’s not what I intended to happen...I actually learned more about you in these past few days than I had ever known about you before. I know what you like to eat...I know what you like to read...what makes you competitive in the games we’ve played. I’ve gotten to know YOU...and I like that guy. I like him a lot…”
“Well...again...LaRusso...we are just not on the same page. I would have rather done all of those things with you, being WITH you. I’ve needed you to touch me for days and I know that can’t and won’t happen now. I can’t take it anymore...it would be better if you just never came by. Just let me do this...alone.”
Daniel’s heart stopped beating. He looked at Johnny who was looking back at him with the most leveling heart-wrenching look he could manage to portray exactly what he was feeling inside. Daniel brushed the beginning of a tear away from his lashes. He didn’t want all the progress that they had made together to become or feel like a waste of his time, but as he left the room...for the last time...all he felt was empty.
Johnny stared at the door for several minutes. His mind settling and coming to terms with itself. This was how it would HAVE to be if anything was ever going to be better. He couldn’t stand to be in the same room with Daniel it had hurt him so very badly. “It’s over...isn’t it...” He said aloud to himself as he rolled on his side, falling into a dreamless, hollow sleep.
And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting
What is love...anyway