Work Text:
"Stars shine down from the black
And we're picking though this broken glass
How could we know that our lives
Would be so full of beautifully broken things?"
It's a while before they can get away from everyone else, but that's just fine by him. He's been thinking hard of what he wants to do, has to do, to help Woohyun. And he's still coming up empty-handed.
He knows he's jumping the gun, and that he should wait to talk and see what Woohyun says, but the gears of his mind are turning over and over. His dark side taunts him, chocking it up as guilt, a debt that needs to be repaid, but he knows it's more than that. He cares about Woohyun, sometimes in a way that's completely different from the rest of them, and now that he's finally pulled his head out of his ass a bit and cut the denial crap, he can admit that Woohyun needs help.
A lot of it.
As soon as they left that last hotel, he's been watching Woohyun like a hawk, and frankly, he has no idea what the fuck is going on. Woohyun and Sungyeol circle around each other like a pair of ballerinas, delicate and graceful and poetic in their movements and reactions to each other's presence. Woohyun wraps himself around Sungyeol and Sungyeol pulls his arms tighter around his waist and leans back into him. Sungyeol never jumps when Woohyun presses against him like the way he sometimes does when Myungsoo latches on to his back. They have such a weird, innate sense of each other that sometimes on stage, or when eating, or when getting packed, one of them will go to look for something, like a water bottle or the salt or that t-shirt they like and the other one is just suddenly there, object in hand, wordlessly handing it over without a word, just a quick flash of eyes toward the other before turning away.
In a weird, weird way, he's reminded of his parents, and it makes him laugh when he thinks about it. Woohyun and Sungyeol are like an old couple who have gone through some real shit and come out the other side even stronger. The couples that are so comfortable and content with each other they don't even miss the excitement of those first few years when every experience is new and wondrous in its own way. No, these two approach each other like they're reading their favorite book again; all the twists and turns and story lines are expected and known, yet they keep returning just because there's something safe and warm in the familiarity of it all.
He watches them orbit around each other in a cohesive revolution that he's only seen between two people who have been together so long that even their movements sync up in a complementary fashion. Yet, it boggles his mind, because he'd bet a lot of money and maybe even a few prized possessions that nothing, or nearly nothing at least, has ever taken place between them.
He knows every relationship is different, and sex and physical intimacy aren't the only ways to love another person. Indeed, many intimate relationships even lack that type of connection. He might have even assumed that this type of relationship works for them, if it weren't for the looks they think no one else sees.
It isn't until he starts watching Sungyeol as well that his resolve to do something really picks up. In all honesty, even though he's been there for Sungyeol at times, pulling him back down after he threatens to jump ship and quit Infinite (on multiple occasions), or listening to him drunkenly rant and rant (and cry) about why he isn't the one landing big roles and what is his purpose in this band anyway, it's not like he can sing or even dance that well, right?, Sungyeol is far from the neediest most of the time and he tends to worry about the others first. The squeakiest wheel gets the grease and all. Furthermore, Sungyeol has the tendency to go off and nurse his own wounds and shut people out, even Myungsoo and Sungjong, so it takes a conscious effort on his part to start watching him closely.
But when he does, oh man, does he kick himself for not noticing earlier.
The first time he catches it, they're getting their hair done at the salon and it's so hectic in here he thinks Sungyeol probably let his (usually impenetrable) guard slip on purpose. Stylists are running everywhere, there are two girl groups squashed in with them, and the guys apparently have half an hour before they absolutely must leave, Jungryoul keeps threatening to everyone in earshot.
Almost everyone is asleep in various chairs and couches around the salon, victim to a long night of tour rehearsals. Myungsoo is conked out in a chair next to Sungyeol, getting his hair straightened; Hoya is facedown on a table in the back, dead to the world. But for some reason, he's completely awake today, and he almost snorts when he looks over at Woohyun, elbow propped on a couch arm and head perched on his fist precariously, trying to not mess up either his freshly done makeup or hair by pressing them against the couch or wall.
He looks over to Sungyeol, the only other member awake, to ask him if he knows where Hyoan went, when the look on his face stops him cold. Sungyeol is staring into the mirror, but he's not looking at himself. Sungyeol's staring at the reflection of Woohyun, asleep behind him, and his heart speeds up.
It's almost weird to him, that this excites him. It's not sexual arousal - really, it resembles those scenes in a movie that make you react even when you don't know why because, hey, it's not like it's you there, kissing the love of your life or whatever. But the desire and tenderness shining in Sungyeol's eyes as he stares into the reflection makes his breath catch, because the whole thing is just so fucking beautiful and romantic and sappy he could cry.
And then Sungyeol's eyes light up and he bites down hard on his lip to not laugh, and he knows just from watching his face that Woohyun's done something silly, and sure enough, out of the corner of his eye, he can see Woohyun rubbing his head where he bumped the wall when his supporting arm slid out from under his chin while he was sleeping. Woohyun looks disgruntled for a moment until he sees Sungyeol staring at him in the mirror, and his eyes look just like Sungyeol's and for a moment, the only thing that seemingly exists in the world is one another.
He doesn't even begin to fathom how blind he was.
The second time he really notices something, it's really Myungsoo he's noticing.
Sunggyu is out with someone, and Howon and Sungjong are out shopping, so Woohyun decides to make a late lunch for the rest of them. He and Myungsoo are sitting in the living room, Myungsoo looking over photos in one of his many cameras, and he watching some dance videos with one headphone in, half-listening to Sungyeol and Woohyun talk in the kitchen. He can't see them, but he can guess that Sungyeol isn't helping at all, and probably just sitting on a chair and heckling Woohyun in his bratty little way.
He turns his concentration back to the video, and barely notices Sungyeol enter the room until he goes and lays his head down on Myungsoo's lap, looking flushed and feverish. He knows Sungyeol well enough to know he's sick (again), and is about to get up to go find the aspirin when Woohyun is just there, hands brushing against Sungyeol's cheeks and forehead. The way he pulls Sungyeol up to a sitting position, pills pressed into his hand and a cup of cold water lifted to his mouth, is delicate and soothing. Once Sungyeol gets the pills down, Woohyun's whispering in his ear, not to keep whatever he says away from Myungsoo or him, but almost as a caress, gently reassuring Sungyeol he'll take care of him. Sungyeol nods in response to whatever he says, lids heavy and eyes distant, and he lets Woohyun push him down on to a pillow with a sharp command to lay there until the soup or whatever he's making is ready.
He finds the whole thing sort of endearing, until he spots Myungsoo. He's frozen as a statue, watching Woohyun with guarded eyes as he pulls a blanket over Sungyeol and brushes the hair out of his face, fingers lingering on his temple. The look lacks real hatred, but there's certainly a good amount of apprehension and mistrust, and alarms are ringing in his head that, holy hell, he knows something.
He catches Myungsoo's gaze, and though they only lock eyes for a moment, that's all he needs to realize what Myungsoo is thinking.
I've seen the other side of this, and it's heartbreaking.
So he decides to talk to Myungsoo first.
He really has to hand it to Myungsoo - he's way smarter than he looks.
Not that it was hard to get him alone. Myungsoo's a good guy, usually willing to help any of them out, so it isn't a challenge at all to get him to help out with an "errand" and suddenly they're walking the streets, just the two of them.
But, as he's really begun to notice, Myungsoo is no fool.
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"I know why you asked me to come with you. I don't appreciate being misled, hyung."
"Myungsoo -"
"Don't play games. With me, or them. Stay out of it. It's not your business."
He should be angry, the attitude that Myungsoo is giving him right now. But truthfully, he's a bit ashamed, that his behavior is so obvious. Still, he also has a mighty resolve and a burning desire to see this thing get worked out, for Woohyun (and Sungyeol) to be happy, whatever the length. Screw it, he thinks.
"Look, just tell me what you know. I want to help them. It's obvious something's going on between them."
Myungsoo laughs at that, but it's bitter and without humor.
"Oh, sure! No one could deny that. But it's been...how long now? Too long. They haven't figured it out yet and they probably never will and maybe it's better that way because look how destroyed Sungyeol is with it being like this. Ha, it's just a sick joke. I don't know anything more than what you know. I see the looks just like you do. We never talk about it, at all, and that's really saying something, because Sungyeol tells me everything. But I've found him sobbing a few too many times for my liking, nearly screaming from whatever he feels but totally unable to vocalize it. And I know Sungyeol - he's not the type to sit idly by and let love go. He'd die for the one he loves. He wouldn't let them go, ever! It has to be Woohyun holding back. I always knew he was stupid."
Myungsoo's obviously thought about this a lot, and he's really taken aback by the vitriol dripping from every word he says.
"Then why does Woohyun shoot back those same looks? Why does he care about Sungyeol so much, even when the cameras are off and the media is gone? Don't be so biased, Myungsoo."
Myungsoo seems to mellow a bit at this, but the heat is still there in his eyes.
"Maybe he just likes fucking with him? He doesn't seem like that type of guy, but who the fuck knows, really? Maybe he likes being wanted and drags Sungyeol out on a line with just enough encouragement that Sungyeol keeps it up. He is pretty egotistical. Because if he really, really loved Sungyeol, like Sungyeol loves him, then we'd have to forcibly tear them apart from each other just because we'd be sick of seeing them act all lovey-dovey 24/7. Because that's what Sungyeol wants in a relationship."
Dongwoo doubts that; their old couple-esque behavior making him think different. But, on the other hand, Myungsoo is Sungyeol's best friend...
"I think we should at least help them, a little bit. I don't think you're giving Woohyun enough credit here. I don't think he's ever really loved someone before. Maybe he's just confused and-"
And later, much later, when it all finally comes out and Myungsoo actually fills everyone else in on his life outside of Infinite (besides Sungyeol, and maybe Sungjong, who most likely knew), Dongwoo will understand why this happened, but right now, he has no idea what's going on or why this is happening and just how much of a mistake it was to ask Myungsoo about interfering in someone's else relationship, because Myungsoo goes off like never before.
"You. Don't. Get. To. Mess. With. People. Like. That. I don't know who you think you are. Why can't people just butt out?! Why can't two people just love each other without a million eyes on them? If you let two people just figure it out for themselves without all this fucking commentary and meddling maybe people could actually love each other, did you ever think of that? Fuck!"
He doesn't call out to Myungsoo when he walks away, because he knows Myungsoo's not going to turn around. They'll calmly regard each other for a week or so, and let it drop because they aren't the type to hold grudges, especially with one another.
But it doesn't stop him.Because he truly believes that Myungsoo has it wrong, all of it.
And now he knows for certain - Sungyeol loves Woohyun back.
With any assistance from Myungsoo out of the picture, he once again sets his sights to looking for answers from Woohyun. The idiot who didn't think he treated him like shit. The same guy who's helplessly in love with someone but killing himself for some reason. Yeah, that's the only person he has on his side.
Shit, what in the hell did he get himself into?
When he can't take it anymore, he pulls Woohyun out for coffee late one night just before their world tour is supposed to kick off. He still has zero idea exactly what he wants to do or should do or will do, but he figures he might as well just start rolling with the punches, because he's gotten so emotionally invested in this that sometimes he has to turn and blink away tears when he sees one of them shoot a loving glance at the other one and, thank god he's already known as a big cry baby, because he would be suspicious as fuck right now if he weren't.
Woohyun's appeared even more stressed and tired and broken (if that's even possible) than he usually is, and he can't help but grab him in the practice room, the dorm, the van, and pull him close and tight to make up for all those times he should have done this. It's a petty consolation, and Woohyun rarely ever says anything of how he feels, but he also doesn't pull back and even leans into him most of the time. He thinks Woohyun is (futilely) hoping that he'll forget about this and not bring it up, but sometimes when they are alone and he goes to say something, anything, a guard goes up in Woohyun's eyes, and he knows that Woohyun knows it's going to happen, someday. And honestly, when he finally breaches the subject, he seems almost prepared to go right ahead and say it.
"Spill."
They're sitting on a dark playground in a deserted park, coffees from the local cafe in hand, far from the prying eyes and eavesdropping ears of fans or band mates or anyone.
"Hmm? Oh...fine. Okay, let me get my thoughts in order here."
Woohyun starts from the very beginning.
He didn't fall in love immediately. Or even for a while, relatively speaking. He didn't even know that he could love a guy. Not that it mattered, because once he realized he was head over heels, the only thing that mattered was Sungyeol.
He wanted to say something, but he (honestly) had so little experience with relationships he felt so so awkward and tongue-tied and like a little kid.
("I knew you were embellishing with all those stories!")
("Shut up!")
But Sungyeol...well, he wasn't the type to just sit back. He went out and got what he wanted. So one day, he dragged him into an empty practice room and just said it, boldly and openly and with just the slightest, teensiest wavering hint of "oh my god, what the fuck am I doing?" in his voice.
"He said 'I love you' and then he stared at me like it was a challenge and when I didn't respond he said 'and I know you love me too because your eyes shine when you look at me' and continued staring at me, waiting."
"Did you, uh, say anything?"
"I...I said 'okay'"
"...........really?! Oh my god, you are so dumb. I can't believe -"
"Anyways."
He really had just said 'okay'. Because he was pretty sure his heart was somewhere in his stomach and his brain had hit the road, never to return, and thank god his legs decided to be strong in this moment because the whole world was spinning like a merry-go-round at 100 miles an hour and him getting out the word 'okay' was an extraordinary feat in itself. But Sungyeol had laughed and pulled him into a hug that might have went on for a minute or an hour, he's really not sure, but then Sunggyu was calling down the hall looking for him and he had to go and Sungyeol kissed him on the cheek and he blushed for so long he just had to tell Sunggyu he had been practicing dance and that's why he was so flushed.
They didn't speak of any expectations they had of one another. It took about 5 seconds for Sungyeol to realize he was a total amateur in love ("well no shit..." "stop!") and so they took it slow, really slow, just enjoying cuddling in those moments they could and sending each other cute texts and flirting for "fan service" in interviews. Being in love and idol was hard enough, but being in love with your bandmate, well, that was a whole other level of complicated. So they never put a word or description on their relationship. They lived in the moment.
At least, until, it all changed.
They were somewhere he can't remember the name of, it really didn't matter, but it was some deserted beach in some city near Busan and they were standing with their toes in the water and the stars like diamonds above them, holding hands in the midnight dark, when Sungyeol asked him, probably as a joke, "have you ever kissed a guy before?" And, for once, he didn't lie.
Which, in retrospect, was the honorable, but perhaps wrong thing to do just then.
Really, he never had any plans to keep whatever was between him and Dongwoo from Sungyeol. Because, frankly, he didn't see it in any romantic or even overtly sexual attraction sense. Those moments were mostly him repairing Dongwoo, bit by bit, kiss by kiss. Outside of those rooms, he hardly passed a second glance toward Dongwoo, because why look at Dongwoo when he could look at Sungyeol?
Obviously, he was a bit stupid in love.
So when Sungyeol pulled back in surprise, wondering who he had kissed, he didn't even stop to think of how else it could be taken. Because he didn't see it any other way. So he answered truthfully.
He didn't get it when Sungyeol let go of his hand to cover his mouth to keep from crying out.
He didn't get it when he couldn't get Sungyeol to stop sobbing on the middle of the beach under the stars.
And he really, really didn't get it when Sungyeol started saying "oh god, I'm not enough for you. I always knew you'd want more than me. Because it's fucking me. I'm never enough. Again. And you are you. You are perfect and I am fucking a ruined character and honestly, I don't even blame you, Dongwoo is so much better than I am in so many ways."
So the cute text messages stopped. So did the whispered nothings in each others ear in passing. And the little notes left under each others pillows or in each others bags. Because he didn't know how to prove after that night that Sungyeol was all he wanted. Forever.
Yet the looks couldn't stop. And neither could the touches. Even though they had shattered, the pieces didn't fall far from each other, and they both tried to keep putting them back together, one by one. But there were a lot of pieces to pick up.
"So I kissed him. In the van when everyone was asleep and it was dark. It felt like fire and he squeezed my leg so hard it left bruises for a week. He tasted like heaven, at least I imagine so. And he was so pure and clean I realized I didn't deserve him because it all clicked. He needs someone who knows how to treat him, how to love him right. I don't know anything, really. He's the one that's too good for me. And it killed me. Because I can't help myself and I still reach for him and let him reach for me, but I can't let him love me because I would be terrible for him."
Dongwoo really meant to be sarcastic, to flippantly say "how do you even manage?", because he's angry at Woohyun's stupidity and Sungyeol's stupidity and their joint stupidity, but Woohyun answers him anyways, obviously missing the note in his voice.
"Well, I just started to pretend sometimes you were him to get through it."
He doesn't realize what happened, just that Woohyun is pulling him down and covering his mouth, frantically whispering in his ear.
"Dongwoo, stop, stop, please stop, someone's going to call the cops if you don't stop yelling, please stop."
He didn't even notice. His mind is so full of pure white hot rage and anger and disgust that it takes a minute for him to rise back to Earth from the depths of hell that is his heart right now and realize a very scared Woohyun is clinging to him, trying to get him to calm down.
He unclenches his hands, feeling the nails forcibly draw out of his skin when he had dug them in, and vaguely wonders what happened to the cup he had been holding. At least, that is, until he sees it sitting on the sidewalk about fifteen feet away from where they are sitting, crumpled and broken and leaking coffee from where it hit the wall of a restroom and fell to the ground.
"Did I throw my coffee?"
"Huh? Of course you did. It didn't leap up and throw itself at the wall."
And he vaguely remembers the last thing Woohyun said to him to make him react like that before he throws himself at the younger man, fingers digging into his shoulders enough to make him hiss.
"Why didn't you stop? Why did you let me ruin this?"
Woohyun is blankly staring at him, completely lost, and he shakes him once, wishing he could rattle Woohyun's stupid, tiny brain.
"Us, dammit! Why didn't we stop? Why didn't you tell me? Fucking hell, Woohyun!"
He can see Woohyun's mind begin turning, and Woohyun clears his throat once before explaining.
"Well, when that moment happened, we hadn't gone overseas in a while. And we didn't for a while after that, not even until after...that day on the beach. I mean, you and I never really talked about it. I just figured it would stop, kind of like it did, I guess. One day you wouldn't need me anymore, or something. No offense, I rarely even thought about it unless we were traveling. But when he pulled away...I guess I fell back to you as some sort of comfort. Sorry."
His stomach is churning, and it takes a massive effort to keep the coffee sloshing in his stomach down. He's the reason why Woohyun is killing himself (and Sungyeol, too). He's stopped two people he loves from being together. He's used and hurt and destroyed and this is everything that's supposed to be the opposite of who he is and he feels like a huge fraud and the very worst type of person.
"How does he not hate me? How do you not hate me? I hate me."
He doesn't even realize that he was speaking out loud until Woohyun answers him.
"He doesn't...he thinks it makes sense, I guess. Like, that I would never be happy with just him, and that I'd need to fill in his...gaps, or whatever, with someone else."
Fucking Sungyeol. It all adds up - despite everything he's done, Sungyeol cannot see himself like everyone else does, and even with a thousand instances of the rest of them trying to build him up, bit by bit, reminding him of all his accomplishments and skills and growth over the years, Sungyeol probably views himself the worst out of all of them.
"I'm going to say this once, and you're going to listen very carefully the whole time, got it?"
"Dong-"
"Got it?!"
And with that, Woohyun nods haltingly once, obviously afraid.
"You...you are the stupid fucking idiot I have ever met. Sungyeol...he's a close second. But, I can totally, completely understand why he'd be upset. And why he assumed what he did. Just because you and I see it one way doesn't mean that anyone else will. If I had known, I wouldn't have touched your ass with a ten foot pole if it meant getting in the way of you two. I want to kill you enough as is. I am not a replacement for Sungyeol. You two love each other so fucking much it literally makes me cry when I see you and yet you're both dicking around because you both think you're not good enough for each other? That you're not enough for each other? You belong with Sungyeol and Sungyeol belongs with you."
"But-"
"Shut. Up. I don't want to hear your stupid excuses. You are good. You are wonderful. You deserve love. I think the last year and a half has proven that, and you don't even love me like you love Sungyeol! Think of everything you've given to me. Think of all those times you reached inside of me and stopped the bleeding and stopped the pain and let me be the person I needed to be sometimes. If that...if that was you just being a friend, or confidant, or whatever the fuck word describes what you were, what you are to me, imagine how you'll be with him if you stop holding back. And how he'll be with you. Do you understand what I'm saying? You see that right?"
And Woohyun is nodding, tears streaming down his face, but he knows he's just acquiescing to make him happy. Because that's what Woohyun does for him. Woohyun becomes anything he thinks he wants him to be, a blank slate that changes by the day with his mood and his desires, conforming and twisting to the changes that take place within him.
So he pulls Woohyun close, tucking his head into his shoulder and whispering in his ear again and again "you deserve love. you deserve everything. you deserve love. you deserve everything." like it's a lullaby or incantation or spell.
But it doesn't make Woohyun believe him.
Luckily, he receives some help by way of divine intervention (because management pretty much acts like they're God). He hasn't been able to convince Woohyun otherwise to wake up, and Myungsoo is circling around Sungyeol protectively so often when he comes around he doesn't even debate trying to pull him aside and give him a stern talking to.
He really didn't want to mess with anyone now, and had decided to wait it out a bit. They're right in the middle of a tour, and Myungsoo's in deep shit with management and the fans and pretty much everyone for mishandling his relationship, especially mishandling it publicly, and the whole group is walking on egg shells. None of them blame Myungsoo, and that makes it all that much worse, because they're all feeling just a bit of his pain. Relationships have come and gone for most of them over the years, and what's happening to Myungsoo could have been any of them.
The managers watch Myungsoo carefully, like he's plotting a prison break or something. In reality, he doesn't even know what Myungsoo could do now. The whole thing is over, and Myungsoo is withdrawn and lethargic as is - not a prime suspect to make another huge scandal. But to be safe, management's decided to patrol him like a felon.
Even still, he can't help be shocked when Sunggyu runs into the Sungyeol in the lobby of their hotel hours before they fly out to yet another country and says "hey, you're rooming with me from here on out, just a heads up."
He and Woohyun, waiting with Sungyeol to turn in their room keys, exchange looks out of the corners of their eyes.
"Why, hyung?" Sungyeol seems surprised, to say the least. He and Myungsoo have always roomed together on trips since day one, and it's definitely an unexpected change.
"Well, the managers want to...keep a close eye on Myungsoo. Myungsoo is going to room with one of them instead of me, and I'll switch with Myungsoo and room with you, understand? Good."
And, like a godsend, he finally has a plan of substance.
It's take a bit of acting on his part, albeit something he's not necessarily trained in. He doesn't warn Woohyun, knowing that Woohyun'll protest and mess the whole thing up, and he sets it off the moment they get out of the van.
Everyone is a bit irritable and jet lagged, with the sunny weather screaming "day!" but their conditioned bodies screaming "it's 4:30 am!", and they all grumble and moan as they unfold themselves out of the van, grabbing bags and pillows.
Woohyun bumps into him accidentally, and he figures now is as good of time as any to start faking it.
"Dammit, Woohyun! Can't you watch yourself? This is the third time today you've hit me! I'm sick of it!"
The rest of the guys avoid eye contact, because a tired and irritable Dongwoo is a force to be reckoned with that they've all been on the bad side of at least once, and none of them are willing to do it again. But Sunggyu, the eternal leader, can't ignore bickering between them, especially in public.
"Hey, hey, it's okay Dongwoo, he probably didn't mean it. Let's calm down now."
"Hyung," he whines, avoiding Woohyun's incredulous face of horror at his reaction because it's so stupid it makes him want to laugh "he's really getting on my nerves, all day. He even spilled that whole bottle of water in my lap on the plane. It's frustrating!"
"That was an accident! I really meant it when I said I was sorry!"
Which is true, but he needs to use it as fodder for his acting right now.
"Yeah, well, you didn't have to change your clothes because you looked like you peed your pants, huh? And sit in a damp seat for 8 hours. I really want you out of my face. Now. Understand?"
Sunggyu seems to understand perfectly the implied threat in his statement, and rushes to put some distance between them.
"Okay, okay, Dongwoo, you can room with Sungyeol. Woohyun, you'll room with me."
No no no shit shit shit. That's not what was supposed to happen. At all.
And then Sungyeol saves the day, bless him, and he makes a mental note to hug the kid later.
"Hyung," he whispers to Sunggyu, trying not to draw his attention "please don't make me room with him while he's like this. It's scary."
He rounds on him in an instant, making Sungyeol jump back and Sunggyu's arm fly out, trying to restrain him.
"Huh? What did you say? Am I not justified in my anger, Lee Sungyeol?!"
"Wh- uh, no hyung, I didn't mean -"
"Yeah, I didn't think so -"
"STOP."
Sunggyu drags him closer, whispering angrily in his ear.
"You're making a scene and drawing attention. You can room with me and Woohyun will stay with Sungyeol, okay? Does that make you happy?"
Yes, actually. Yes it does.
He goes out looking for Woohyun later, after they've all eaten and been given the tour of the ballroom where they're performing and settled down for the night. He knocks on their door, but Sungyeol answers it.
"Oh, you're looking for Woohyun?" Sungyeol asks, trying to be nonchalant, "No, he went down the hall a while ago."
That probably didn't look good. Oh well.
And so that's where he finds him, fiddling with the ice maker near the vending machines.
"Ya, Woohyun"
Woohyun jumps, obviously scared out of a reverie of sorts, and he immediately bows.
"Hey, look, I really am sorry for stepping on your shoe at the airport and spilling the bottle of water and elbowing you by the van and-"
"Huh? Oh, don't worry about that."
Woohyun is dumbfounded.
"Don't worry about it?! You nearly ripped my head off today!"
"I needed to do that."
"Oh, sure. Can I ask why you decided to verbally decapitate me?"
"So I could get you and Sungyeol together."
Woohyun closes his eyes slowly, like he expected this but didn't want to believe it was happening.
"That's not fair. At all"
"No, what's not fair is you and Sungyeol not living life to the fullest and being together. That's not fair. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm not saying be like this or that. What I am saying is that you two are away from home in a neutral area, totally alone without interruption, and this is the perfect place to talk. Please don't let this go by. I know I'm meddling, but that's because I care about you, and him, and I just want to see you happy."
"I'm going to Sunggyu right now. And he'll take my side in this, because I'm his best friend, even if you are a hyung or not. This is going too far."
That's when he realizes just how angry Woohyun really is, because he's always respected the situation by never bringing Sunggyu up, ever. Especially not to remind him that, yeah, Woohyun's his best friend, because they both know the whole idea that, you know, he routinely fucked his beloved's best friend like he was some second-hand replacement makes him sick.
"Don't. Please."
"Why, because then your time alone will get taken away?" Woohyun sneers about 3.1 seconds before he realizes he's gone way too far.
He's not offended. Honestly, that wasn't his intention, by any means. This was all about getting the two of them together. But he won't deny he didn't think about the logistics of Sungyeol and Woohyun rooming together. Of course, Sunggyu might have tried to pawn him off on Howon or Sungjong and room with the other, but Sunggyu tries very hard to pretend there's absolutely nothing out of the ordinary between them, and he guessed right when he expected Sunggyu would room with him without much of a fuss.
Woohyun reaches out to touch him in apology, and he grabs his hand and squeezes.
"Hey, you're not "getting ice" as a means of avoiding Sungyeol, right?"
"No. You didn't come find me to get away from Sunggyu, right?"
"No."
They stare at each other for a moment, eying each other warily, and then they are both laughing, clutching on to each other to stay upright.
"We really do make a great pair."
"Yeah, you do."
Of fucking course.
It's just like a movie, he thinks. The wrong person walks in at the wrong time and misconstrues the whole situation, and no matter what's said, they can't see it any other way. Sungyeol at least tries to look like he's not hurt and that he finds the situation comical as well, but there's a sad twinge to his smile, and he walks over to the vending machine all while avoiding eye contact.
"Hey, Yeol-ah, buying us snacks for tonight?" Woohyun tries to joke, eyes shifting between Sungyeol and him.
"Hah, well, I certainly don't expect you'll be throwing down any money for supplies, so I guess it's up to me. This is why sharing a room with Myungsoo is great; we go 50/50."
He really can't tell if that's a subtle insult or not. Not the jab at Woohyun for being cheap, because that's just a bare-faced fact. No, Sungyeol bringing up Myungsoo, like he'd rather be with him than Woohyun. That's...kind of harsh. Almost like an eye for an eye. You hurt me, I hurt you.
Woohyun's smile doesn't waver at all, but he's also plastered that greasy broadcast grin on his face, which isn't a good sign at all. He's shutting his real self down and moving toward idol auto-pilot. Shit. Maybe he really shouldn't have meddled in their affairs.
"So, are you guys just hanging out here? Kind of a weird place to chill. They have, like, a pool and sauna if you guys were hoping to ditch me and run off somewhere."
Uh-oh. This might be a disaster waiting to happen.
Woohyun goes to say something, but he rushes to beat him to the punch.
"No, I was just coming to apologize for earlier. I'd like to apologize to you to, Yeollie. I wasn't feeling well and let that affect my behavior."
Sungyeol turns from where he's staring at the various candy bars he could buy, looking generally surprised. He used the nickname intentionally, hoping to draw him out, even a little bit.
"Don't worry about it, hyung. We've all done it. Though now I'm stuck with this guy, and I don't think you can take that one back."
Woohyun at least has the good sense to roll with the joke and look semi-offended.
"Ah, well, our next coffee date is on me. I promise." he soothes, much to an appeased Sungyeol's delight.
"Night, guys. Sleep well."
With a final pointed look at Woohyun behind Sungyeol's back as he hugs him goodnight, he goes off to face his own destiny.
"What did you get a whole bucket of ice for anyway?" Sungyeol ponders when they get back to the room, plopping down on the bed with the TV remote in hand.
It's not like he can exactly say "well, I went down there and stood looking at it for 8 minutes while freaking out about what I should say to you, or if I should even say anything at all, or if I should just launch myself off the roof because that'd probably be way easier", so he goes with the obvious answer.
"Uh, drinks?"
"Drinks that you didn't bring your wallet to buy? Or did you plan to drink so much ice water you needed to get ten cups of ice?"
Dammit. Sungyeol is too smart, and observant, for his own good. And he's on the defensive ever since he caught him and Dongwoo hugging each other. It's making him more and more nervous.
"I did hear that if you drink ice water, you burn more calories because it's colder and your body has to work harder to digest it as opposed to if it was lukewarm."
"Yeah, that's an urban legend," Sungyeol replies, not looking away from some TV show he undoubtedly only understands 1 in 15 words of.
Well, this is starting off spectacularly.
"Maybe I can pop open some bottles from the mini bar, eh?"
"And have Jungryoul kill us? Pass."
"Yeol-ah, what do you want me to say then?"
Sungyeol is silent for a minute, eyes remaining glued to the TV, to the point he doesn't even think he'll respond, but then Sungyeol whispers something he strains to hear and nearly misses as is.
"You could just say that you went out there to see Dongwoo. You didn't have to bring back the ice to keep up some charade. It's not like I judge you for wanting to be with him."
If this night was a plane, it would have crashed and burned before even leaving the runway.
Sungyeol's still staring at the TV, but he knows he's not paying attention to it anymore. Actor or not, Sungyeol's never been great at toeing the line of "I'm deeply affected by this but I want to act like I'm impartial", especially with the guys, and he's doing a particularly terrible job of it at the moment. If anything, he's teetering on the edge of shutting down completely, and Woohyun has never been able to pull him back over the edge once he falls off the precipice.
But touching, touching keeps Sungyeol stable, and he's over to the other side of the room before he knows it, fingers in Sungyeol's hair against his scalp. Sungyeol sighs contentedly and closes his eyes, leaning into the touch. Aesthetically, he hates this hair cut, with it all long and messy on top and shorn short on the sides, but then again, Sungyeol could wear a burlap sack and make it look good. So he caresses him over and over, soaking in the feeling of just Sungyeol, hands sliding down cheekbones and jawline, behind ears and to rounded shoulders.
Sungyeol pulls him by the shirt collar until he's leaning down a bit, and kisses him without restraint, and he can't help but gasp into it. It's exactly like that kiss in the van, but more intense (if that's even possible). Sungyeol tastes like heaven. A crisp, clean taste that makes him melt and want to live in this mouth forever, because he's sure he could never get tired of it. And he feels...electrified. Like currents are running through his body, starting where Sungyeol's lips meet his and where Sungyeol's long fingers are sweeping his jawline again and again, and rushing through his body from the ends of his hair to the tips of his toes.
He just can't let a good thing go, though. No, he has to get all reflective on how he seemingly can't love with words, just actions, and how he's always a coward to speak his mind, so he let's his body do the talking instead. But this isn't some hook up or dalliance or friends with benefits situation. This is Sungyeol, the love of his life and the light of the world and the only reason he gets up most mornings and continues to fight through whatever the day challenges him with. So he pulls back.
"I can't do this."
The noise that Sungyeol makes is so heart-wrenching and despondent and soul-shattering that he immediately curses himself for not choosing a better selection of words. This is why he never says anything to begin with, because of his stupid fucking mouth. Sungyeol falls back to the bed, hands covering his face, and he rushes down after him, pulling hands away and urging him to open his eyes.
"Baby, baby, please. Open your eyes. Look at me. That's not what I meant."
It takes a good deal of coaxing for Sungyeol to finally look at him, and the forlorn look in his eyes makes his stomach turn. Sungyeol obviously thinks he's being pushed away, turned down once again, and this time, if it tears him apart, he's going to prove to him that he's wrong.
Once he starts, he finds he can't stop, at all. Two years of repressed feelings and desires, of everything, come rushing out, and he's vaguely aware that this constitutes "word vomit" on a major scale, but it's all falling out like a waterfall, whether he wants it to or not.
"Lee Sungyeol. I want you to listen to what I'm going to say to you. And you can go ask Sunggyu and Kibum and Dongwoo to back me up on this, because they've all heard it, and they can back me up that this isn't just a joke or game or whatever to me.
I'm tired of keeping quiet and relying on silent touches and looks to tell you how I feel. Because that's not enough. So I'm going to tell you right now exactly how I feel about you. I love more than anything, and since the day I realized that, I don't think I've existed to do anything but love you. I don't think my life ever had a purpose but to love you. Even the gifts you can say I have, my voice and what not, these have brought me to you. I don't doubt for a single second that I was put on this earth because I was eventually supposed to find you. And I did.
And yeah, I fucked up. I really thought that you were too good for me, that I was meant to suffer without you because you deserved someone so much better than me, someone who knew how to love, and how to love you specifically, and that if I could drag myself away from you, that someone, anyone else, could swoop in and be that person, that great person you deserved.
But I couldn't drag myself away, as much as I wanted to. Because I'm drawn to you inexplicably, and when I'm away from you for too long, it hurts. I get anxious, and I want to see you, and touch you, and hear your voice. You think you're not enough for me, but I think you're too much. God knows I've got my hands full with you. But you love me, and I love you, and I'm tired of being a fool about this. There is no one else but you, and even in a room with a thousand of the most beautiful, talented, amazing people in the world, I could only see you. Because even with your flaws and quirks and idiosyncrasies, you're still better than all of them combined.
I want this to work. I want you and I to be 'us'. Please, please say you want 'us', too."
He's crying so hard now he has to wipe his eyes again and again to even see Sungyeol below him, who's silently sobbing. He barely even notices that Sungyeol's mouth is moving, and he definitely doesn't hear what he says.
"What did you just say?"
"Okay."
He's so giddy and the blood is rushing in his ears so loudly and his heart is pounding so fast that it takes him a moment to realize Sungyeol is mocking him, throwing back the same stupid word he said all that time ago when he was tongue-tied like a preteen boy, and then they are both laughing and crying and rolling around on the bed together, simultaneously trying to pull each other into a bone-crushing embrace while also kill each other for being such an ass.
It takes a moment for him to regain his breath, but when he does, he has to make sure he understood correctly.
"Are you really saying you want? Us, that is. You want to be with me like I want to be with you."
The look in Sungyeol's eyes is breathtaking, and he's pretty sure, even when he's 90 and seen his whole life through, this moment will still be just as vivid and real, framed and hung up in his mind like the most precious and beloved of photos.
"That's all I ever wanted. You are a part of me, a part that I need to live, to survive, and not being with you would be like cutting out a piece of my heart."
If Dongwoo owes Sungyeol coffee for dumping him in his lap, he doesn't even know what he owes Dongwoo in comparison. But he'll at least start with a very big thank you.