Work Text:
We are not a box – there is more than a four sides of us. Unless it’s the three-dimensional opened Pandora box – then we are totally one of those.
…And that’s what you missed on Glee and will never be able to experience ever again.
Welcome to Lima Vale
Dear Listeners,
There was an important announcement from mayor Tubbington this morning:
If you ever stumble by mistake into McKinley High School or if you are a student there - do not enter the choir room. I repeat – do NOT enter the choir room. There are reports from witnesses who swear that there is a sickly sweet odour coming from the corner of the choir room and that whoever visits the location is subjected to a number of hallucinations with a bunch of puppets singing with them.
However, these puppets don’t stop there. They would stalk their victims, getting them in trouble with the school principle. Like a disease they would multiply, looking like other humans. We are not sure yet what is those puppets’ final goal. So far they didn’t hurt anyone, but they can mimic their victims’ hairstyle and fashion. Who knows what could happen if they somehow started to look exactly like their human counterparts…?
***
And now, a word from our sponsor:
Are you hungry?
Do you enjoy having only one type of cake to choose from the menu?
Would you like to be served by ridiculously attractive waiters or waitresses?
Are you okay with said waiters to strip mid work just to show off their new tattoos?
If your answer is ‘yes’ to these question – come to our ‘Spotlight Diner’ to enjoy a hot atmosphere and an occasional song. Also – we are always hiring. The only requirement is that you have to be a sexy theatre student.
***
I‘m sure all of you know about Chronic Lady Factory. Ever since Sandy Ryerson opened it in 1956 it’s been known for its revolutionary products to improve one’s appearance and well-being.
They had been experimenting on a series of new perfumed cosmetics which resulted in an explosion and an escape of one of said experiments the Tentacled Raspberry Hair Gel. Chronic Lady Factory offers reward for any information on whereabouts of the escapee. If you see a gooey dark pink mass slithering your way don’t panic – its tentacles are described as very friendly if not somewhat curious. Also, if you have peanut butter on you, it is encouraged to feed the creature.
***
Now, onto some lighter news. One of the scientists – visitors from Dalton University called us to warn against the purple pianos that started to appear in our local high school. I am so excited that Blaine Anderson – perfect, beautiful Blaine - called. I wish it was me answering the phone instead of our intern. Anyway, as I was saying – the purple pianos are dangerous to play on. Even singing upbeat songs around them could end badly, as they apparently tend to spontaneously combust. So far only one of our interns Jacob was a victim of these haunted instruments and we’d like to keep it that way.
***
It finally happened what we had feared.
One of our interns Tina has disappeared, leaving a puppet in her wake. So far I have to admit that the exchange was a real improvement for our station. We don’t miss the constant bickering, sometimes bordering on abuse, although the living puppet can only hold o one cup of coffee at the time, which makes us wait ages for Tina-puppet to bring beverage for everyone.
***
Dear Listeners,
You. Won’t. Believe. Who is here with me in the studio! No, it’s not Madame Tibideaux – she’s still on the run, chased by the notorious Rachel Berry. It’s Blaine <3! He’d heard about the escape of the Tentacled Raspberry Hair Gel and decided to invent a device to catch it! Isn’t he adorable?
He just offered to make me a coffee and I didn’t have to tell him my coffee order – he knew it even though we have never drank coffee together before! So thoughtful!
***
There are news about party responsible for the spontaneous combustions of the pianos. Sam Evans, Blaine’s – cute, delicious Blaine - assistant spent a whole night watching the pianos from a secret hideout behind the school trophies and saw Eternal Cheerios doing suspicious things to the instruments. Obviously they won’t be facing any consequences for their actions. The last time the Principal tried to punish these sweet, innocent girls he was found in the school basement tied up with tights.
We have reasons to believe that Eternal Cheerios committed these dangerous acts to provoke the elusive underground GC organisation. What the GC abbreviation stands for I do not know. If I knew – which I, again, do not – it would mean I am a part of this mysterious group. However, as this is the first time I hear about them their full name remains a mystery.
***
Dear Listeners, I can smell a faint, fake raspberry fragrance. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the Tentacled Raspberry Hair Gel that disappeared from our town factory earlier today.
***
And now, the weather: (Baby, It's Cold Outside plays quietly)
***
During the weather break I was told by Blaine that he had built a device to catch the Raspberry Gel Monster. It strangely looks like a normal hair gel jar. Blaine said it’s a coincidence.
Oh… I just got information that the mysterious GC group responded to Eternal Cheerios’ provocations with the pianos and the gas leak in the choir room. Somehow they had found all these puppets created from the gas-induced hallucinations and hypnotised them to start singing all of the songs created by humankind ever. It didn’t cause their disappeared human counterparts to return, but damn, these puppets sing well-
Wait a moment…
What are these slithering noises? Blaine seems to be hearing them too and looks around with his beautiful honey eyes. I think it might be one of these puppets, but why would they come here? Neither I nor Blaine went to the choir room so it couldn’t be our felted doppelgangers…
It’s… The noise is getting closer-
(after a sudden scream, slurping and licking can be heard)
(Blaine’s voice) Dear Listeners,
Kurt is unable to continue tonight’s audition at the moment as he is currently held mid-air by the Tentacled Raspberry Hair Gel . Its fascinatingly- translucent limbs caress his lean body with a strange affection and I can say their intelligence is evolving as they apparently learned how to unbutton Kurt’s shirt without tearing it. Hmm… His skin is like alabaster and glows eerily with sort of strange tattoos all over it… I feel like I’ll need to research it more later. However, now I need to take care of Tentacled Raspberry Hair Gel before it tire Kurt out. (barely audible Kurt’s moan can be heard in the background) How fortunate I invented my device which hopefully will work.
(sounds of something gurgling, unearthly screak, something wet dripping and, finally, some human sighs of relief)
(Kurt’s voice again) Dear Listeners,
This is quite embarrasing, dear Listeners – both how easily I got caught by the Tentacled Raspberry Hair Gel and my current state of undress. Blaine is looking strangely at me – I wonder if I messed my hair badly… No… he is not looking at my hair – he is looking straight at my face and I wonder for a moment if I suddenly grew a third eye or something?
He walks closer. His eyes glows supernaturally – is the rumour that Blaine Anderson is a werewolf true?
…He says this one in particular is not true, but there are quite a few outlandish ones that are. He says he could disclose them during a private interview. A (gulp) private interview?
I would gladly interview Blaine - and would make it totally professionally – no giggling, no drooling no-
(a long pause)
Dear listeners, I… Unless I drank Tina’s sleep-inducing tea again and this is but a dream I… I think I’ve just been kissed by Blaine. Has it really just happened? Ouch – yes, the sting from pinching myself really hurts, so it must be a reality.
Well, I guess I could also try kissing Blaine again, just to be sure-
***
…Dear Listeners,
Sometimes you could find love by being in the same high school singing club. Sometimes you could find it while singing a mourning song for a bird. Me – I found mine thanks to the Tentacled Raspberry Hair Gel and I know I will never be able to repay that favour – especially since it’s now captured in Blaine’s jar.
I hope that you, dear listeners, will also have that moment - that trigger in your life that will bring unexpectedly someone special to your life. It will come uninvited, but you should welcome it bravely.
Goodnight, Listeners. Goodnight.
Hint for the next fanart: I’ll punish you in the name of McKinley!