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It’s better this way.
It’s better this way.
It’s better this way , he continues to think to himself as he strokes the hair of the half-asleep apprentice in his lap. It is better this way . The apprentice yawns and stretches, their hot breath on his chest, their back arching as their arms extend over their head, their eyelashes fluttering as their sleepy gaze rises to meet his face.
“Muriel,” they mumble, their breath hoarse and soft and full of affection. He swallows thickly, his big hand raising pressing against their rosy cheek, fragile and gentle, like his touch would cause them to break.
“You need to sleep,” He mumbles back, watching with warm, familiar eyes as the apprentice nuzzles their face into the palm of his calloused hand.
They’d been awake for nearly two days, now. Muriel knew they needed their sleep, and so did they, as much as they liked to deny it. Fatigue was written all over the smaller’s face, and at this point, they weren’t even making an effort to mask it as anything else. The thing that broke Muriel’s heart, though, was the fact that they’d done it all deliberately. They’d exerted themselves to stay up with him. That, to Muriel, left a disgusting taste in his mouth he just could not ignore.
The whole point of Muriel’s existence was solitude. He wanted nothing to do with the affairs of others, and he absolutely did not want to form any bonds that weren’t absolutely necessary. He hated people, absolutely despised them. Found most of them to be selfish, wasteful, annoying animals with no clear purpose other than to tear each other apart.
The apprentice pressed a kiss to his rough palm, and a shiver jolted down his spine. Absolutely terrible things, Muriel thought desperately, though he knew the effort was futile. He wasn’t stupid - he knew what the flutter in his chest meant whenever the apprentice did something sweet, knew the feeling of wanting to protect something smaller and more innocent all too well.
Muriel sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping over and his muscular back curving down until he was slumping over them, noting how close their faces were like this. The tiny proximity between the tips of each of their noses was enough to make Muriel begin to lean back and away, but then the apprentice gave one of their pretty little smiles and leaned in, closing the gap between their faces. Muriel didn’t have the sense to kiss back, his eyes almost comically large as he just… stared down at them dumbly. Eventually, they pull away, looking dissatisfied, and maybe it’s the apprentice’s sleepy pout or maybe it’s just the total irony of the situation he’s found himself in, but Muriel can feel his lips stretching out into a rare smile. A small one, but rare nonetheless.
They notice his smile, despite how subtle it may be. Their pout is replaced with a docile, placated look. “You’re smiling,” they whisper, as if it were a secret meant to be shared only between the two of them. Maybe it was. Nevertheless, pretty soon it would be gone forever.
He tries his hardest to ignore the ache in his soul as he just nods once, quickly recalling his usual stoic appearance. “I was, yes. Now, let’s get you to sleep.”
Thick, muscular arms wind around the apprentice - one wraps around their shoulders, and one hooks beneath their knees - and soon Muriel is standing, gently lifting them up and carrying them to his bed. Or, rather, a big stack of furs that he called his bed.
They’d have to find their own way out of the forest. There was no way Muriel would let them see him anytime soon after tonight. No, it’d be best for the both of them if they both had nothing to do with each other for a long time.
He refused to admit to himself how badly it hurt to lose them, again. And again. And again.
“Muriel?” The apprentice has closed their eyes, a soft sound leaving their exhausted body as they laid on the furs.
“Mm?” He pulled one over their body, reveling in the way the apprentice immediately relaxed into the warmth and yawned. Slowly, the open their eyes, but its plain to see their eyelids grow heavier by the passing moment.
“Come. Please…”
Muriel realizes he’d been hovering over them, just watching them cozy up. Flushing, he just nods again and slowly lays beside them. Or, at least, tried to. There’s almost not enough space for the both of them to lay side by side. Of course, knowing the apprentice, they wouldn’t be laying side by side at all. They lean in, this arms wrapping around his neck, and Muriel almost smiles again. He slowly rubs their back, hearing the pleased sigh ruffle his long, dark hair.
“Muriel, I don’t want to sleep.”
“Well. You have to.”
“No, no, it’s not that. You know what I mean. I don’t… I don’t want to forget.”
He pauses. His fingers dig into the thin material of their shirt. He doesn’t know what do say. His throat goes dry, and he swallows again.
It’s better this way .
“I know…”
Pulling back, the apprentice looks at them bleary-eyed. They’re biting their bottom lip softly.
“Will you be here when I wake up?”
Muriel hesitates for a long time. He shakes his head no.
“Why not?” They look tiredly indignant . It would’ve been comical if it weren’t for the bittersweet situation.
“Because. I don’t… want you to have to go through this again. You deserve to forget peacefully and leave without any… problems.”
Sighing and mumbling something unintelligible, the apprentice buries their face in Muriel’s chest. Muriel sighs, too, and runs his fingers through their hair as softly and as sweetly as he could manage.
He’d never been very good at being soft or sweet, but he felt the sudden urge to be whenever he was around the apprentice.
“…I’m about to fall asleep,” they breathe, voice a tiny sound, muffled in his broad chest.
The apprentice can’t see it, but Muriel is smiling again, albeit nostalgically. “Yes, I can see that.”
“Before I fall asleep, I need to tell you something.”
“Tell me, beloved.”
The apprentice yawns, eyes closing, body relaxing fully against their bedmate. This was going to be difficult to tangle himself out of tomorrow.
“I love you. Okay? I needed to get it off my chest. It’s okay if you can’t say it back…”
Muriel’s heart is in his throat. He was expecting it, somehow, but also was completely caught off guard. He feels close to tears. He feels completely vulnerable. He doesn’t know what to say.
He can feel the apprentice’s breathing even out. He can feel their body go slack as they fall asleep.
He can feel them forgetting, and he wants to die.
It’s better this way , he thinks bitterly. It’s better this way. It’s better this way .
He clutches at their shirt tightly in both of his hands and sighs shakily.
“…No, you don’t.”
And now, they never would.