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Keith has been trying to get a good look at Lance’s hands for several minutes now, but it’s impossible. The guy gestures like a maniac when he really gets into whatever story he’s telling. Keith is a little ashamed to say that he hasn’t been paying full attention.
“Anyway, then my mom had to come pick me up from the hospital, which took ages, because she was still at work, and then my teacher, oh my god, she had to wait with me for three hours, because, you know, you can’t leave six year old alone at the hospital, ah, she was so mad.” He laughs. “Then my mom arrived and…” Lance reaches for a box of breakfast goo and yeah, Keith is sure now that some of Lance’s nails are painted a light purple.
“Are you wearing nail polish?” he blurts out.
A confused look flashes over Lance’s face. “What? Oh, yeah.” He holds his both of his hands out for Keith to see, grinning proudly. Keith’s chest feels tight and his heart starts pounding wildly. Three nails on each slender brown hand are painted pastel purple.
He swallows. “Aren’t you worried what people are going to say?” he says and instantly blushes when Lance laughs.
“What people? We’re in space, dude, and the others don’t care. Besides, who gives a shit, right?”
“No, I mean,” Keith huffs out an irritated breath, “don’t you feel a little weird as a guy, wearing nail polish?”
Lance’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “No?” he says with annoyance. “Look, man. I like it. I know you’ve got that whole manly man thing going on, and that’s cool. But some of us are just secure enough in their masculinity to not give a shit.” He waits for him to say something, but Keith can’t seem to open his mouth. “Oh, whatever, dude.” He grabs his bowl of goo, and leaves the kitchen.
Keith is left standing there, staring after him, insides twisting painfully, heart pounding, throat feeling tight. He presses two palms to his face and releases a shaky sigh. God, he feels like crying. Lance has hit the nail right on the head. He doesn’t know, of course, none of them do, except for Shiro. Pidge might have figured it out, but they’ve never talked about it. When would they, between battles, saving planets and trying to get at least a little bit of sleep. Lance’s words still hurt though and Keith feels like an idiot, because he is the one who insulted Lance, even if he didn’t mean to, and he shouldn’t feel so sorry for himself. It all came out wrong. There’s just something about Lance that makes Keith want to be extra masculine and buff. Lance is so effortlessly, carelessly and undeniably boyish, in a way that makes Keith feel a little off kilter and he gets so angry about it at Lance, and angrier still at himself. He has nothing to prove. Hell, if he wore a damn dress, he’d still be a man. Yet, he’ll never feel as comfortable as stupid Lance, with his stupidly cool nail polish. Stupid Lance, who now thinks Keith is a stupid idiot. Great.
He heads to the training room. He feels so frustrated and for once lifting weights doesn’t alleviate his anger, on the contrary: the longer he exercises and the more Lance’s words “manly man” keep echoing around his head, the angrier he feels himself becoming. He should be flattered. “Manly man” is what he always wanted to be, right? This is what he worked so hard for, this is what he grit his teeth for, when people called him names, knowing it would all be worth it in the end. Knowing that one day he would finally be his true self. Then why does it taste so bittersweet? Why does he still feel like something is not completely right? He pushes up the weight he’s holding and inelegantly launches it across the room with a grunt. This isn’t what he wants. He hasn’t come this far to restrict himself in this way. To hell with it all. He's god knows how far away from home, he has fought for his life, gotten lost about a hundred times and has seen things he never dreamed of seeing. He feels closer than ever to becoming the person he actually wants to be. Then why should he let himself be bound by rules of a society that has been telling him he's wrong from the very beginning? He rises to his feet, his vision blurring, before everything comes back into focus. He knows what he has to do.
When Lance opens the door to his room Keith is still breathless. “Can I come in?” he gasps.
“Sure,” Lance steps aside, and Keith notes that he doesn’t look mad. “Woah, you’re all sweaty, gross!” He clears some paper off his bed and sits down. “Hunk made up this list of Altean words we could use as like a code or something. Not because we need one, just because it’s cool, I guess, but it’s sooo hard.” He groans and lets his head fall back against the wall. “So what’s up with you?”
“Uh, I was wondering, if I could maybe borrow that nail polish,” Keith grumbles, sitting down next to him.
“Um, sure,” Lance sounds surprised, even though he’s trying to sound unaffected. Keith can’t bring himself to look at him. Lance gets up and returns with a handful of small glass bottles in different shades. “You gonna paint your nails?” he asks.
“I’m…considering it.” He takes the bottles Lance is holding out to him and cradles them gingerly in his hands. “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Lance says, but Keith shakes his head.
“No, listen. You’re always doing these things that could be considered kinda girly, I guess, but you don’t give a shit, and no one would ever doubt that you’re still a guy.” He finally dares to look Lance in the eyes. For once the other doesn’t say anything, just looks at Keith with a curiosity and an openness that makes Keith feel brave. “It’s different for me. For the longest time I’ve had to deal with people telling me I was wrong to call myself a boy, telling me I was going through a phase, saying that I was born a girl and that’s what I should be.” He looks back at the nail polish, he’s still holding, shifting the bottles and making them clink together softly. “They called me by a girl’s name, and it always felt wrong. When I imagined myself growing up into a woman…” He shakes his head unable to finish the sentence. “I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’ve had people question my identity my whole life. I’ve had to ignore stares of curiosity and disgust all the time, and it got so exhausting having to stand up to these people every day and keep my head up and say ‘I’m a guy, whether you like it or not.’ I couldn’t allow myself to do anything that didn’t 100 percent fit the picture. Like wear pink, or paint my nails, or pierce my ears. I didn’t dare, so that no one would be able to call my anything other than what I really was: a boy.” His voice feels steady, and he is strangely calm now. He needed to get this out, for Lance to understand where he is coming from, but just as much for himself. When he looks up at Lance, he is taken aback at what he sees. There is compassion, surprise and vulnerability.
“Keith,” he finally says and it comes out a little strangled, and more tender than he has ever said his name. It makes Keith's face heat and he ducks his head slightly.
"So wait, let me get this straight. You're...trans?" Lance says carefully, uncertainly.
"Yes."
“Woah.” Lance says quietly after a pause. "That sounds rough, man." Keith makes an undignified snorting sound. “Dude, can…this is super weird, but can we hug?”
“Sure,” Keith shrugs, heat rising to his face once more. When Lance pulls him into a strange sideways hug, Keith tries not to memorise the feeling of Lance’s hoodie against his cheek, or stare at where his hair is getting a little long at the back. “Shit!” Lance yells suddenly, startling Keith, as he pulls back from the embrace. “Dude, I’m so sorry about what I said earlier, about being secure in your masculinity, shit, I totally didn’t know.” Keith shakes his head,
“I know, don’t worry about it.” “So” Keith says after they have been quiet for a while, “Can you paint my nails?” the grin Lance gives him in return could light up the entire universe.
“I used to do this for my sisters,” Lance says. Keith has his hand splayed on Lance’s knee, as the other paints his nails black with a precision that is entirely unexpected. “They made me paint mine too, and I realised how much I like it.” He dips the brush back into the shiny lacquer. “Only downside was, I went from ‘Oh look, what a sweet older brother’ to ‘Nancy boy’” Keith feels his stomach clench. Lance shrugs “So people called me some names, and it kinda really sucked for a while, but you know I was still cooler than them, so it’s whatever”, he shrugs again and the way he tries to keep his voice light and steady makes Keith want to punch anyone that has ever said anything mean to Lance. “Fuck, I mean, I’m not trying to make this about me, I mean you can’t really compare our experiences, and really…”
Keith squeezes Lance’s knee with the hand that is resting there gently but firmly. “Lance.” They make eye contact and Lance relaxes a little.
“Right. Okay.” He pauses a moment before picking up where he had left. “So when I got to the Garrison, I was worried it was going to be like school, people picking on me for being ‘feminine’”, he makes air quotes with the hand that is not holding a brush. “But I got so lucky. Pidge didn’t seem to adhere to any gender norms, and Hunk, man, Hunk is the best.” Keith hums in agreement. “There, that’s one hand done. I swear to god, if you touch anything, and mess this up, Keith I will throw you through an airlock.” Keith inspects his hand and something inside him just lights up. It looks good. It looks totally freaking cool. “Other hand?” Lance asks and Keith gives it to him. “So now we’re in space man, and as much as I miss Earth, the good thing about this place is that no one gives a shit.” Keith snorts at that. “What?” Lance asks, looking up from his nails.
“Nothing, I just thought about how those people on Earth would feel if they knew that among the first humans to come this far in the universe is a trans gay guy and a kinda femme dude.” Keith keeps his voice light, even though his stomach is tied in knots. It's insane that he would just spill his guts like this, come out like it's no big deal, but something about Lance makes him him want to be more open. It's maddening, and the rush it's giving him makes his head spin.
Lance cracks up at that. “A kinda femme, bisexual dude,” he adds a little more seriously. Keith’s stomach clenches and his heart rate goes up to a mile a minute. He tries to suppress any outward reaction, even though he feels like jumping up and running through the entire castle. Lance has fortunately resumed the nail painting, giving Keith time to adjust his face from “deer in the headlights” to a more casual expression.
“Oh yeah?” is the only response he can manage, and it comes out a little rough.
“Yeah,” Lance meets his eyes, a slight smile on his lips, cheeks a little flushed and Keith can’t help but give the biggest smile in return.
As he watches Lance finish his right hand, Keith gets the sense that he still has a whole lot to figure out, but that somehow it’s going to be okay.