Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A teenage girl stands in her room. It just so happens that today is her eighteenth birthday. What shall her name be?

===>ENTER NAME.

Ah. You don't need to. She already knows her name and is quite adamant about it being known.

===>WELL THEN, OUT WITH IT.

Eleanor Shellstrop. A fine name.

Your name is ELEANOR SHELLSTROP and today is DEFINITELY your EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY. You engage in a number of hobbies. You like to MAKE T-SHIRTS with PROFOUNDLY HORRIBLE MESSAGES ON THEM. You also live life TO ITS FULLEST by doing things like DRINKING TO EXCESS and MANIPULATING PEOPLE. When you say it LIKE THAT you kind of sound like A BAD PERSON. But you're not, are you? No, you do NICE THINGS ON OCCASION. Sometimes you take your younger family members OUT FOR CHURRO DOGS. They're just THE BEST FOOD in Arizona. SLIM JIMS wrapped around CHURROS wrapped around HOT DOGS. You make them yourself sometimes.You’ve never GOTTEN MAIL, but you REALLY REALLY WANT TO. This is why you HAVE A THING FOR MAILMEN. Maybe you’ll RECEIVE SOME MAIL TODAY.
What will you do?

===>MAKE BIRTHDAY CHURRO DOGS.

You have neither the SLIM JIMS or the CHURROS nor the HOT DOGS for that. You do have candles.

===>THEN MAKE A CAKE.

Ew, CAKE? Gross.

===>WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

You really don't feel like doing anything special. In fact, you kind of just want to be left to yourself. Maybe sleep or watch old episodes of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA.
Oh, bother. Someone is pestering you.

Your chumhandle is carelessCommentator because you? quite frankly?? just dont care?? about anybodys business but your own??

===>BE PESTERED BY CHUM.

Do you have to? You really just wanted to spend today alone.

===>YES.

Just go do it. Make them go away.

You roll out of your bed, comforter still attached to your torso. That stupid RINGTONE from THE PRICE IS RIGHT is not going to shut up anytime soon, so you drag the comforter off the bed with you. You're basically a COMFORTER COCOON, hopping toward your COMPUTER DESK.

===>WRESTLE OUT OF THE COCOON.

You've completed your LAZY METAMORPHASIS. This is a DAILY ROUTINE for you. If not for your friends or your job SELLING FAKE MEDICINE TO OLD PEOPLE, you would just lay in bed all day. ALSO BILLS. You have BILLS. But not MAIL BILLS. So that sucks. Perhaps you shouldn't have MOVED OUT SO EARLY. But you did what you had to do for the sake of your happiness. This was exactly three years ago.

===>CUT THIS DEPRESSING EPISODE SHORT. ANSWER CHUM.

You pull up your chair and turn the computer on. You fire up the ABRAXAS BROWSER. It looks like someone has really been trying to get your attention.

averageAdage [AA] began pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

AA: Hey, Eleanor, happy birthday! I suppose now you're finally joining the ranks of adulthood like the rest of us! You always keep things real, as GG would say.
AA: And, you also know how to have fun!
AA: We should really get together sometime! Maybe we should all go to a theme park or a famous club. TT could spot us all, I'd say.
AA: Would Disneyland suit your fancy? Or would you prefer a more relaxing destination?
AA: Venice is beautiful. But, Cape Town is also stunning. Ooh, or, if you're more adventurous, there's also Serengetti tours and hikes up Kilamanjaro! The views are just great.
AA: Um.
AA: I would really like it though, if you allowed me to throw you a party here in Senegal? I could show you around my town, and with TT's funding, we could tour around the provinces. I could also teach you French!
AA: I learned a little bit of Wolof as well from some neighbors. It's a very interesting language!
AA: Sorry, I bet you're not even up. It's four in the afternoon here but probably about eleven in the morning over there? I'll stop. Just text me when you wake up.
CC: oh no bb ive been up since the last five messages??? yeah about there
AA: Oh. Apologies for rambling.
CC: dont sweat it but i kinda just want to stay home for my bday and languages?? are??? hard????
AA: Well, I suppose, yes... they can be. But, with the right teacher, I believe anyone can learn. Anyway, that wasn't the only option. I figured you'd want to go to a beach at least. Maybe somewhere in your country?
CC: oh god no
CC: everywhere here sucks and i just really dont want to go anywhere new
CC: kinda just wanna?? stay??? here?? in my flat??
AA: Are you sure? I think we would all have a great time in London or Tokyo. Don't you like shopping?
CC: dont like leaving my home mostly but i mean i wouldnt mind if we all went out for drinks??
AA: Eleanor, we're eighteen. We shouldn't be drinking.
CC: oopsie
AA: Well, I don't believe we would be drinking. Maybe GG would be into it? TT might... But are you sure you wouldn't like to go sightseeing in Mexico or India?
CC: yep very sure
AA: I'm really sorry to hear that. I wouldn't have been able to choose, anyway.
CC: ik
AA: Oh?
CC: yeah youre really bad about that?? anyway i really want to get back to nothing??? so like
CC: im gonna just?? go

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering averageAdage

AA: Oh. Alright. I suppose I will... talk to you later then.

averageAdage [AA] stopped pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

God, that was AWFUL. You almost got wrapped up into some ELABORATE PLAN for your BIRTHDAY. How terrible. Especially by AA. He's always talking about future plans to meet up that will never happen. He just can't decide what to do. Ever. TT had a horrifying time trying to plan his birthday. Nothing happened. Because of course it didn't.
Honestly, you can't stand him. He's too INDECISIVE. You don't know how he can even hold a conversation. How does he choose what to say?

You have no idea, and have no intent in finding out.

===>LOOK OUTSIDE.

Your BOREDOM is starting to kick in, and now it's to the point where you actually want to LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW.
You give in anyway. Oh! Oh! The FLAPPER! The little red FLAPPER! The— the— the THING! It's UP! The FLAPPER is UP! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? It's NEVER been UP!

===>INVESTIGATE THE FLAPPER.

In order to do that, you're going to have to go through your LIVING ROOM and have a POTENTIAL ENCOUNTER with your ROOMMATE. She's ALRIGHT, but you know she's going to try to DRAG YOU OUT for your BIRTHDAY. You're going to have to AVOID her. Whatever. Adventure calls. And... you have nothing better to do.

===>DON'T FORGET YOUR STRIFE SPECIBUS.

You never leave home without scissorkind in your sylladex. You'll use those scissors on a package. Someday.

===>ENTER LIVING ROOM.

You exit your room and creep down the hall to the uncomfortably small living room. Thankfully, there's no sign of your ROOMMATE. You have a quick and easy escape to the porch.

You finally find the mailbox. It's kind of weird that every apartment here has its own separate mailbox. You're not in the mood to question it right now, though.

===>OPEN THE MAILBOX.

You've never gotten any mail. This is quite the new experience for you. And ta-da! It's... oh. A video game? ... "SBURB", huh? It states that "Client and Server Versions" are included. You have no idea and really don't care. Who sent this? Do they have any concept of what you like? You could've gotten a picture of a hot guy in a mailman's outfit. That would've been perfectly acceptable. But no... This is something GG would like. Could it have been a mismail? Does that even occur? You don't know how mail works, so you really don't care.

===>GO BACK INSIDE.

You make it back to your room relatively unscathed. You're starting to wonder where your ROOMMATE is, but you really don't care.
Oh. Of course.

Someone just has to be pestering you. It better not be AA.

===>ANSWER CHUM.

grandGadabout [GG] began pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

GG: hey!
CC: sup
GG: ok so like did you get my prezzie yet?
CC: what was it?
GG: a game!
CC: oh yeah i think?? so?? is it called sburb???
GG: yeah that's it!
GG: i gotchu the server and client version!
CC: ok
CC: cool
GG: im torrentin it for the others but i had to get it for someone first to copy the data files. it was half off. and it was your birthday.
CC: thats really sweet?? of?? you?? but like i dont play games
GG: yeah but tt said i had to buy it.
CC: ugh really?? why is she always up in everyones business????
GG: she sees shit in the clouds man. i trust the clouds. she said if i got the game shed try to set me up with one of the prospit peeps. said i might have problems since im derse though.
CC: dude you seriously buy into that dream shit???
GG: course. it seems real. and i feel like ive seen it too. all purple and everythin.
CC: of course you know that?? she?? described??? it?????
GG: hey its cool that you dont believe it. she said youre probably gonna to be a while wakin up. i think aa wakes up first. i mean besides tt shes already jammin out with the prospit homies.
GG: or maybe hes last.
GG: idk.
GG: its all really confusin.
CC: dude i really?? dont?? care??? tt can shove this sburb shit up her ass who would want to play this?? it doesnt even have a manual
GG: really? yeah it looked kinda suspect. but im gonna go along with tt and just do it. i mean i usually do what i want but i figure tts right about this.
CC: god are you trying to smooch it up with her??
GG: no! we dont even live anywhere near eachother. im in fl. shes in like. eagleland.
CC: england??
GG: no maybe its called grand britani.
CC: nope pretty sure?? she lives?? in england??
GG: fine england. listen tt says we all have to play sburb. you me tt and aa. so what i need you to do is torrent the game to me and ill torrent it to the others.
CC: thatd be great?? if i knew how to do it??? or wanted to???
GG: come on cc. pls.
CC: its my birthday?? i shouldnt have to do anything??????
GG: come on cc.
CC: no
GG: come on cc.
CC: no
GG: come on cc.
CC: fine
CC: you were just gonna keep going?? werent you???
GG: yeah. but i figured youd log off.
CC: great idea
GG: no! pls dont! i really need this.
CC: yeah to impress tt
GG: no! well yes. but also no! shes usally right about a lot of things and i figure shes right about this too.
CC: ugh like what???
GG: she said youd get the game today. and that id be the one to deliver it to you.
CC: two words
CC: selffulfilled prophecy
GG: i think thats three.
CC: no????
GG: does it matter? pls just do it. ill walk you through it. promise.
GG: wait tt is texting me.
GG: i gtg. but ill text you later.
CC: of course

grandGadabout [GG] stopped pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

Of course he would leave you to talk to her. You'd so much rather be AA. He doesn't have to deal with this or TT's insufferable nonsense. Right?

===>ELEANOR, BE AA.

Chapter Text

You are now AA. You have a name, right?

===>BE NAMED.

You can’t be renamed because that just wouldn’t be morally correct now, would it?

Your name is CHIDI ANAGONYE. You’re not ENTIRELY SURE OF ANYTHING. You kind of have the TENDENCY TO QUESTION EVERYTHING. That kind of makes it hard for you to BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR FRIENDS. They kind of expect you to take everything at FACE VALUE. You’re getting BETTER at it, but the one thing you’ll forever ABSOLUTELY SUCK AT is MAKING DECISIONS. This is why you need someone to make decisions for you.

===>WRITHE LIKE A FLAGELLUM AND PUKE ON YOUR BED.

Well, there’s... SOME THINGS you’re not going to do just because someone tells you to.

===>LOOK OUTSIDE.

What is there to see besides your cul-de-sac? There’s some nice acacias lining your front yard.
You’re honestly pretty proud of your house. It used to belong to your NAN before she passed. You’ve done a good job with the upkeep of it. Pretty much everything is running just as smoothly as before. No one to talk to besides the neighbors and your online friends, but kind of the same anyway.

===>ADMIRE HUNTING COLLECTION.

You once went to a HUNTING SHOP and bought a majority of their BOWS, ARROWS, and RIFLES. Why, you ask? To stop hunters from buying them of course. You don't intend on actually USING THEM, but at least no one else is. That's about a hundred helpless animals that you're saving right there. You also have a random SHIELD. It's for defending yourself INTRUDERS. JUST IN CASE. It's HOMEMADE from REPURPOSED GUN BARRELS and the wood from CROSSBOWS and LONGBOWS.

===>BE PESTERED BY CHUM.

Oh? Your pesterchum is ringing. You have the normal ringtone which is a simple bell.
You open up the TYPHEUS BROWSER. Looks like TT.

transcendentalTalent [TT] began pestering averageAdage [AA]

TT: AA, are you awake yet?
AA: Um, physically, yes. If you’re referring to your beliefs about the other planets, I’m afraid I haven’t seen proof of them yet.
TT: Mm. Unfortunate. I was examining the clouds today and they foretold your awakening today. Or tonight, rather. Or next time you fall asleep. I’ve no idea when that is.
TT: It’s either you or CC. I’m not entirely sure yet.
AA: TT, I just don’t think this is something you should keep pursuing. I, nor CC, believe it. There’s just no physical evidence that it exists. You can’t take a picture or a video of it. You can’t even draw it out.
TT: It is very hard to draw.
AA: Sure... Listen, TT, you’re obsessing over something that’s not real. It’s getting on CC’s nerves, giving GG false hope in his love life somehow, and paining me to see you delve into something so fictional.
TT: But, it *is* real! I swear it is! You’ll see soon.
TT: I think.
AA: ...
TT: ???
AA: It’s just not real. I think you’ll be better off if you just forget about it.
TT: It is literally impossible. I’m sure you’ll understand someday.
AA: Perhaps? I hope, for your sake, that I will.
TT: Yes, well, there was something else I needed to speak with you about.
AA: Which is?
TT: How do you feel about video games?
AA: They’re alright. I haven’t played that many. Just a couple on the computer. One time, I downloaded an NES emulator to play Pac-Man, but then I realized that was probably illegal and just really unfair to Nintendo, so I uninstalled it and sent Nintendo double the money it would’ve cost to repay them for their losses.
TT: Oh.
TT: Uh.
TT: Anyway.
TT: There’s this game called “SBURB” that is supposed to further our knowledge of the universe. According to the carapacians, at least. The Queen says it will take us to new worlds and give us quests to fulfill and meet new beings. It’s all rather enticing of course. But, I suppose the main reason we are to play it is because Skaia is in desperate need of warriors. See, Derse is waiting to launch war on Prospit. We are to save Prospit and slay the Derse King.
AA: TT, that’s a lot.
AA: Just saying.
AA: And wow... um... I don’t know if I can do all that.
TT: You will.
TT: Well, we all will. Together.
AA: Cool.
AA: Cool.
AA: Uh... slay someone? You mean kill?
TT: Slay sounds fancier.
AA: So KILL????
TT: Yes. Sounds *absolutely* horrible when you say it that way.
AA: OF COURSE IT DOES IT’S MURDER.
AA: WE’RE GOING TO SINGLEHANDEDLY STOP A WAR BY KILLING SOMEONE??? HOW DOES THAT WORK??
TT: I knew explaining this to you first would result in more confusion. I’ll just have to keep this secret from CC and GG. He just thinks it’s a cool game. I asked him to order it a few days ago. He should be able to torrent the game to the rest of us. It all relies on teamwork.
AA: Of course it does. Of course. Oh geez. I don’t know if I can take part in this knowing that we’ll cause war and have to
AA: you know.
TT: Just don’t worry about it!
TT: Be ready when the copy is torrented to you.
AA: THAT’S LITERALLY STEALING.
AA: Oh geez.
AA: This is bad.
AA: This is really bad.
AA: I should not have done this.
TT: Done what, exactly?
AA: Gotten up today. Should’ve stayed in bed.
TT: *I’m* certainly grateful to have had someone to talk to.
AA: Thanks, TT.
TT: But of course. AA, don’t worry about this, please. You’ll get a stomachache mulling over it all. Just go enjoy yourself today.
AA: Yeah, I guess I should.
TT: Yes. Also, did you know it was CC’s birthday today?
AA: What!
AA: No!
AA: I completely forgot! Oh geez, I’m a bad friend.
TT: No, you’re not. We all forget stuff. I think she’ll be very adamant about doing nothing, as she should be. She won’t be on board with SBURB at this point, so please don’t mention it to her. GG should be able to get her to play. So, just be yourself and wish her a good eighteen.
AA: Alright. I should be able to manage that.
TT: Thank you, dear.
AA: No problem, TT.

transcendentalTalent [TT] stopped pestering averageAdage [AA]

averageAdage [AA] stopped pestering transcendentalTalent [TT]

Phew. Good thing that’s over. What a moral dilemma.
TT was right about one thing. You do need to wish CC a happy birthday.

averageAdage [AA] began pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

AA: Hey, Eleanor, happy birthday! I suppose now you're finally joining the ranks of adulthood like the rest of us! You always keep things real, as GG would say.
AA: And, you also know how to have fun!
AA: We should really get together sometime! Maybe we should all go to a theme park or a famous club. TT could spot us all, I'd say.
AA: Would Disneyland suit your fancy? Or would you prefer a more relaxing destination?
AA: Venice is beautiful. But, Cape Town is also stunning. Ooh, or, if you're more adventurous, there's also Serengetti tours and hikes up Kilamanjaro! The views are just great.
AA: Um.
AA: I would really like it though, if you allowed me to throw you a party here in Senegal? I could show you around my town, and with TT's funding, we could tour around the provinces. I could also teach you French!
AA: I know a little bit of Swahili as well from some neighbors. They're not from here, but they're pretty interesting.
AA: Sorry, I bet you're not even up. It's four in the afternoon here but probably about eleven in the morning over there? I'll stop. Just text me when you wake up.
CC: oh no bb ive been up since the last five messages??? yeah about there

————And we proceed to have a conversation we’ve already heard————

Oh. Well, if that's how she feels, who are you to force a visit on her?

===>DO WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO DO.

You have no idea what you want to do now.

===>STARGAZE?

Sure. Sounds great, actually.

Thankfully, you don’t even have to go outside to STARGAZE. It’s four in the evening as you had informed Eleanor, but it doesn’t matter. When you were younger, you took up a project SOLELY FOR YOUR OWN SATISFACTION on the recommendation of your NAN. That project was writing a THIRTEEN HUNDRED PAGE BOOK over HUMAN ETHICS AND MORALS. However, your NAN was rather disappointed with this, so she helped you to create an INDOOR STARITARIUM. It’s very SMALL-SCALE and comprised solely of GLOW-IN-THE-DARK STARS. There are NO PLANETS. They just get in the way of the constellations.

===>TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

Once the room darkens and you’ve shut the blinds, the roof comes to life. You’re HONESTLY SHOCKED that SO MANY STARS could fit on the ceiling. You had to cut some of them for scale, but they look great.

There’s the SUFFERER who reflects a lot of MYTHOLOGICAL HERETICS.

Then there’s the SUMMONER who is somewhat reminiscent of the FREEDOM FIGHTER TROPE in mythos.

You still don’t know where MINDFANG comes from. Jung’s SHADOW ARCHETYPE? Parallels REDGLARE. HERO ARCHETYPE, probably.

Oh, and the HARUSPEX. That’s your PERSONAL FAVORITE. His sign is typically represented as a line over a circle, probably representing the form of DIVINATION his name recalls. He’s the SOOTHSAYER ARCHETYPE in mythos.

Your eye has now caught the OVERLORD. Archetype’s obvious there. Clearly, the GOD OF ALL GODS TROPE. The Ra. The Zeus. The Odin. All fall beneath him. He’s certainly the BIGGEST CONSTELLATION. His sign is one often seen around streets. It’s a complete octagon. Though, the meaning has been lost to those unfamiliar with mythology.

===>ENOUGH HISTORY. STOP STARGAZING.

But would that do justice to the gods of mythos? Shouldn’t you stare longer to absorb the history and refresh your mind?
A star falls onto the floor from the constellation of the SUFFERER. That can't be a good omen.

===>PESTER CHUM.

Well, you could go talk to someone. But, would you be annoying them, or could you give them insight that they may need today?

===>MAKE COFFEE?

You’re already VEXED by the ill practices of ALMOND FARMING and thus, typically have a meltdown over putting almond milk in your COFFEE. Maybe that’s not what you need right now.

===>CONSULT TT.

It’s probably all this SBURB stuff that’s got you up and down and all around. You should talk to TT and get a BETTER UNDERSTANDING. Then again, she may be done trying to explain and you would just be WASTING YOUR TIME.

===>DO NOTHING?

You certainly COULD be doing something for the good of all.

===>KILL THE BEETLE CURRENTLY SCUTTLING ON YOUR CEILING?

You don't want it in your house, as that is a CLEAR VIOLATION of your PRIVACY. However, you can't KILL IT.

===>KNOCK IT DOWN WITH YOUR SHIELD.

Your toss your shield at it like a frisbee. it falls onto an arrow, piercing its shell and underbelly. It's certainly... not moving.
You take the arrow and nudge it under your bed along with your SCARLET BOOTS and OTHER THINGS YOU'RE QUITE ASHAMED OF. No one has to know.

===>SOMEONE’S PESTERING YOU.

There’s no doubt you should answer them. Don't tell them about the beetle.

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering averageAdage [AA]

CC: goddamnit
AA: Uhm.
AA: What’s up?
CC: ggs making me torrent this stupid game??? and i dont have the slightest idea how to do that??????
AA: I don’t. I don’t even think that’s legal. Or morally correct in any way whatsoever. Why not just get four copies?
CC: were not rich aa
AA: I’m not either, but TT is.
CC: im not begging her for money and she shouldve just??? done it in the first place????
CC: so fuck her
AA: Still, I’m not sure why you came to me. GG would probably be better at it?
AA: Oh, why did I just refer you to someone? Now you’re gonna do it and cost the developer money they could’ve made.
CC: dude??? i dont know if??? people actually made this???
AA: Don’t tell me you’re buying into the supernatural stuff. Mythology is fine for story and moral purposes in some cases. I personally prefer Aesop, but new-age fables are just as good.
CC: no? i didnt?? believe her??? until now????
CC: ok my dad only had a nes
CC: and i played the shit out of it
AA: NES is good.
CC: yeah anyway??
CC: ik that shits got labels on it??? and it also comes with manuals??? and it can usually be found online???? i cant find anything about this online?? its just ????????????????????!
AA: That’s certainly mysterious, but perhaps it’s just a coincidence?
CC: no this shit is like one of those online horror stories??? except real?? and i always thought those people were stupid but now i kinda get why they do this shit??? like
CC: i feel like whatever shit weve started??? we have to finish it now???
AA: Well, the moral standpoint of most copypastas are absent; but if there is one, it’s that when faced with a bad situation, it’s best to get out as soon as possible rather than pursue it for curiosity’s sake.
CC: yeah
CC: well were well past that
AA: Are we though?
CC: yup
CC: so tell me how to torrent
AA: I could let you go the easy route and do research for you, or you could stand to learn some things on your own.
CC: wouldnt i be learning either way??? and you would also??? be learning??? and plus i would still?? have to read
AA: Eleanor, please.
CC: chidi please
AA: I feel it’s rather obvious if you just use deduction.
CC: upload it to the whole internet
AA: That’s extremely worse. Think smaller.
CC: download it
AA: Okay. Then what?
CC: upload it
AA: To?
CC: internet??????????????
AA: A private website, Eleanor. Private website.
AA: I really hate that I just told you that.
CC: thank you boo <3
CC: ill get a zipfile up on mediafire
AA: This is still bad. You might get reported by the MediaFire staff.
CC: pfft whos gonna notice????
AA: A lot of people would.
CC: dont worry about it
AA: I WILL.
CC: but?? dont??
CC: later i got a game to torrent

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering averageAdage [AA]

AA: ELEANOR.
AA: RETHINK THAT.
AA: DO NOT
AA: There’s no getting to you. I’m wasting my time.

averageAdage [AA] stopped pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

There’s no getting through to her.

===>CHIDI, BE ELEANOR.

You can’t be Eleanor because Eleanor is currently figuring out how to use MediaFire.

===>TRY BEING TT.

You can’t be TT because TT is currently dozing off. For someone who has the world at her fingertips, she likes to sleep her days away. She’s worse than Eleanor. Then again, Eleanor has a job. A horrible job, but a job nonetheless. Point is, there’s no way you’ll be TT anytime soon.

===>BE GG?

Chapter Text

Yeah. You can be GG.

You are now GG. You wouldn’t be surprised if that was your actual name.

It’s not, is it? You don’t really care what anyone calls you. Zoolord Poopsmell would certainly suck, but you do prefer Jason Mendoza.

As previously stated, your name is JASON MENDOZA. You have a VARIETY OF INTERESTS. All of which revolve around DOPE SHIT. You’re an UP AND COMING DEEJAY and you’ll do ANYTHING TO MAKE IT BIG. You enjoy REALLY BAD COMEDIANS, none of whom include Burnham or Mulaney. More of the IMPRESSIONIST types. You’ve tried to copy their style. BREAKDANCING is something you're fond of, but YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. GAMING is another great passion which YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT. Your XBOX ACHIEVEMENTS know NO BOUNDS. Also, you like to TAKE RISKS. Anything for a QUICK BUCK.

What will you do?

===>KISS VIN DIESEL POSTER.

Oh, you have no hesitation to do that. You don’t even need a buck to do that. That man deserves all the kisses on his rippling deltoids.

You have many Fast and Furious posters. One for every movie. Arranged in the order of best to worst. You kiss all of them. Even Fast and Furious Two Vin Diesel. He was the MVP of that movie, and it wasn’t the worst even for being the worst.

===>YOU SHOULD GET BACK TO YOUR CONVERSATION.

Oh, yeah. You were distracted there for a while.

===>OR YOU COULD PLAY A QUICK ROUND OF COD.

Your BRO IN CRIME isn’t up right now. He’s a late riser.

===>FORTNITE?

You’re kind of tired of seeing a bunch of No-Skins so no thanks.

===>MIGHT AS WELL TALK TO TT.

Yeah. Get back on the YALDABAOTH BROWSER. Left 4 Dead 2 will have to wait.

grandGadabout [GG] went back to pestering transcendentalTalent [TT]

TT: So have you gotten the copy yet?
GG: yes.
TT: In your current possession? Ready to torrent?
GG: no.
TT: What do you mean, “no”? You were supposed to get SBURB and torrent it to the rest of the group.
GG: well it was els bday. i couldnt not get her something. wished her a happy b earlier.
TT: So you gave the original copy to her?
GG: i thought you might have predicted it.
TT: No! I absolutely *did not*!
TT: Does she even *know* how to torrent media?
GG: im sure shell figure it out.
TT: Jason, this is *Eleanor* we are talking about! All she does is lay around and watch that idiot box!
GG: all you do is sleep.
TT: And all *you* do is play video games! At least I have Prospitian duties. I am their Princess of Light.
GG: i dont just play video games. i got dj gigs sometimes. im always tryna perfect my craft. gotta practice and all that.
TT: But is it *really* a craft?
GG: def. yo lemme send you a midi. me and pillboi been workin on this remix of empire state by my boi jz for like the longest time.
TT: I’m good, thanks.
GG: are you sure?
TT: *Very*.
TT: I still can’t believe you sent the game to Eleanor.
GG: ive got faith in my homie. shell pull through.
GG: trust me.
TT: Alright. If you say so.
TT: Did she mention how she was spending her birthday when you talked to her? I figured today would be the day we would finally all go out together.
GG: nah i didnt ask. maybe you should talk to her.
TT: Oh, no. I shouldn’t. I don’t think she likes me very much.
GG: i wouldnt say that. you all got along when we played dnd.
TT: Well, yes. But that was before we ended our campaigns and started talking normally. We haven’t played that in forever, Jason.
GG: haha yeah. kinda makes you wanna start back up huh?
TT: A little.
TT: At any rate... maybe I *should* talk to her.
GG: yeah! what could go wrong?
TT: A lot of things.
GG: i really dont think she hates you. i dont think anyone could hate you. youre so smart. and youre really nice. and creative.
TT: Thank you, darling.
GG: i also bet
GG: youre really pretty.
TT: I'm... not sure. I don't really like to look at myself. The Carapacians seem to think so.
GG: :)
TT: :)
GG: :)
TT: Okay, I'll go talk to Eleanor,
GG: :D
TT: and apologize for your mistake.
GG: :(
TT: ;)

transcendentalTalent [TT] stopped pestering grandGadabout [GG]

That sure was a conversation. You can't believe you almost let your crush on her slip.

Well, it's not so much a crush as it is just a very STRONG ADMIRATION of her intelligence and curiosity as to her appearance. She's also really nice.

But you're not up to her standards. Probably. She's probably like, engaged or something.

You haven't heard from your BRO IN CRIME in a while. You should probably go search for him. He's usually downstairs. Maybe he decided to go out on the beach or the pier?

===>TAKE YOUR PHONE.

Well, duh. You weren't going to leave without it.

===>APPLY MAZELTOV SPECIBUS.

You grab a few glass Coca-Cola bottles and fire-starting items, applying them to your strife specibus. Never know what dangers you'll find out there in the world.

===>GO THROUGH THE DOOR.

Your beachhouse has some pretty COMFORTABLE ARCHITECTURE. For example, there's one kitchen, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and each room has a door leading outside. Your room is on the TOP FLOOR, so you also get a MINI PORCH. You've had to repair it quite often since you get a lot of STORMS from MONSOONS to HURRICANES. There's DUCT TAPE EVERYWHERE. Might just come apart someday. That'll be a fun ride.

On your porch, you now overlook the sandy shores of ATLANTIC BEACH. You never understood why it was called that. You've been snorkeling there and you have not found the LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS yet.

===>SHOUT OUT FOR HIM.

You do so to no avail. There's no response besides the squalls of gulls.

===>NOTICE THE WHITE BEAST.

Other than the seagulls, there's another animal crawling on the beach. It's an alligator that's completely white. You still have NO IDEA where it comes from or why it's here. You've seen people STRAIGHT UP DISAPPEAR around it. Sometimes, you find DOPE SHIT next to it. Everything that teleports from and to the gator is in a GREEN LIGHT. It's pretty DOPE. You respect the gator so much that you've given him a name: SNOOP GATOR.

Wait. WHAT IS THAT.

IS THAT?

IT IS!

Beside SNOOP GATOR, is a copy of the game TT was talking about!

SCORE!

===>GO GET THAT GAME.

Wait.

This could be a TRAP.

Maybe it's a PRANK.

FROM YOUR BRO IN CRIME?????

...

...

...

Nah.

You should probably just go get that game before TT rips your head off.

You venture out onto the beach. You're not really being careful around SNOOP GATOR. If you were to die, you would want it to be by a DOPE albino alligator.

===>PICK UP THE GAME.

You successfully snatch up your server and client copy of SBURB!
There's a note here. You begin reading it.

Dear Jason,

Thank you for fulfilling the time loop. Everything will make sense later.
Tahani

Well, that sure was INTERESTING.

But you don't really care. You're just happy that you're going to make her happy by finally having the game. Now you can torrent the copies. That is, if Eleanor hasn't beaten you to it.

===>CHECK YOUR MESSAGES.

Seems Eleanor has been trying to reach you.

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering grandGadabout [GG]

CC: yo i got a question??
GG: whats up homeslice?
CC: how the fuck does mediafire work????
GG: dont worry i got everything.
CC: what?? how??? did you order an extra copy because you somehow knew i would fail????
CC: is tt the psychic or are you????
GG: nah its still her. but see
GG: well
GG: i dont know if youd believe me if i told you.
CC: im starting to believe a lot of weird shit today
CC: dont tell tt
GG: sure fam. but ok. so this alligator
GG: his name is snoop gator
GG: just zapped this copy of the game into existence.
GG: hes always helpin out a homie. one time i really wanted pizza. and he gave me pizza! on the beach. so it was kinda sandy. but it was still good.
CC: ok
CC: i wish i had a magic gator
GG: yeah. so anyway i can def hook us up to play while im gettin the copy copied to the others.
CC: cool
GG: i really just want to see what its about.
CC: but say we got haunted by the game or something??? like in those online stories??
GG: oh like slenderman and shit?
CC: no??? like? sonic.exe??? or ben drowned??? pokemon black???
GG: how do you know more about gaming horror than me?
CC: listen ive been doing a lot of research
CC: ive never been more scared on my birthday
CC: and for my thirteenth?? my parents took me to a theme park called ricketyland?? and one of the rollercoasters almost fell apart because some rivets were loose??? with me in the front row?? with no seatbelt???? and three hundred feet in the air????????? at a 170 degree angle???????????????
CC: i think thats why they got divorced the next day?????????????????????????????????????????????
GG: oh sorry to hear that.
CC: its cool
GG: but yeah i can be your server when i get back inside.
GG: looks like a storms comin in. kinda want to go wakeboardin.
CC: in? a storm???
GG: hell yeah. itd be hella dope. wavesll be fifty feet.
CC: but also??? lightning???
GG: obstacle course.
CC: sure
CC: text me when you get back inside
CC: im gonna do more research and upload this thing
GG: haha alright homie.

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering grandGadabout [GG]

You gotta hurry and catch that wave. Then, you can play SBURB.

===>BUT FIRST, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE ELEANOR.

Chapter Text

You are now... hiding in your COMFORTER COCOON. What happened here?

===>PEEP YOUR LAPTOP.

You scroll down the Creepypasta Wiki. You've been researching haunted game rumors.

Yeah. That's why.
Honestly, you wouldn't be surprised if you died today. You're kind of pissed off that TT didn't tell you herself, "Oh hellow, Eleanor! Did you knyow that today, this chewsday, you would meet your untiymely fate? I did, becauwse I sawr it in the clouwds!"

You want to scissor her stupid mouth.

You didn't think that statement through.

===>MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL.

God. That can't be her. If she's not going to offer you an apology for setting you up to die, you're not replying to whatever vapid shit she's spewing.

===>ANSWER TT.

transcendantTalent [TT] began pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

TT: Eleanor. I can't believe I am about to say this to you, but...
TT: I'm sorry.
CC: oh wow
CC: tts sorry for something????? wowie kazowie
CC: thought you were perfect??????
TT: Yes, I must give you my deepest apologies for what GG did.
CC: of?? fucking??? course????
TT: Yes, I didn't mean for you to end up with the copy. It is entirely in the wrong hands. Thus, if you do mess everything up, I wholeheartedly forgive you in advance.
CC: well fuck me and call me susan

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

TT: Sorry, Susan, but I'm not into the idea of intercourse at the present time.

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

TT: I'll check in on you later.

transcendantTalent [TT] stopped pestering carelessCommentator [CC]

She's just as hoity-toity as you remember. If you're all playing the game together, you're not looking forward to playing with her.

===>CHECK INSTALLATION.

You hop back over to your computer desk with your laptop in tow. Your client copy has successfully installed. You'd rather someone else control this. You don't want anyone's lives in your hands. Especially on your birthday. Though, it WOULD be forgivable since it's your birthday. Still, you're going to install the server copy later. Too much work right now.

===>CHECK MEDIAFIRE.

HOLY FUCK, the files are FINALLY at 99%! You knew you had this UNDER CONTROL. When downloading or uploading, you just gotta LET IT DO ITS THING. Can't sit on the page and WATCH THE BAR go up A PERCENT EVERY FIVE SECONDS. That's like SITTING IN A BATHROOM and WATCHING SOMEONE TAKE A SHOWER. That is, WITHOUT THE SHOWERCURTAIN.

===>SHARE THE FILE.

The only person that you don't COMPLETELY HATE and is not busy SURFING IN A HURRICANE is Chidi.

That's going to be a mess. You don't really feel like doing that right now. Too much STRESS.

===>BUT FIRST, BE CALLED.

You hear your name called by your ROOMMATE. Uggh. What does she want now?

===>HOP OVER TO YOUR DOOR AND PEEK YOUR HEAD OUT

You see her holding a clown doll. It's complete with a rainbow afro and just generally looks like BOB ROSS had a BABY with BOZO THE CLOWN. SO... BOZO ROSS.

ROOMMATE: Yo, Eleanor
ROOMMATE: I got you this for your birth
ROOMMATE: You've existed for eighteen years congrats babe
ELEANOR: vicki pls
ELEANOR: i dont want this
VICKI: Yeah but someone got it at their baby shower and they didn't like it so I took it
ELEANOR: vicki no one?? wants this??
ELEANOR: i especially do not????
VICKI: You'll get used to him
ELEANOR: whos?? going?? to?? get??? used? to?? bozo? ross???????????
VICKI: I'll just put him here on the couch
ELEANOR: do not
VICKI: Putting him on the couch now
ELEANOR: stop
VICKI: It'll be like he's not even there
ELEANOR: he is
VICKI: I'm gonna sit with him and watch Bob Ross on Netflix
ELEANOR: youre gross
ELEANOR: i hate you so much
VICKI: You know you love me
ELEANOR: i wholeheartedly do not

===>CLOSE THE DOOR.

You retreat back into your room. You can't believe that bitch picked up a BOZO ROSS for your BIRTHDAY. Someday, you're gonna SHANK her, and will anyone honestly BLAME you for it? PROBABLY NOT.

===>GO GET CHIDI.

You've had enough of sitting around. You're giving him the link. You're playing this game. If your life is over, it might as well be over before you have to see that FUCKING CLOWN in your goddamn living room ever again.

You sit back at your desk. God, you're not looking forward to this argument of ETHIC proportion.

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering averageAdage [AA]

CC: https.//wwwmediafirecom.dumbassgame/
CC: take this
AA: Please don't tell me this is the torrented game.
CC: i got bad news bb
CC: tis so
AA: I can't, from an ethical and moral standpoint, click this link and download the game, knowing you have stolen data files from a hard-working company.
CC: tbh?? i dont think?? anybody?? made this??
CC: dude this shit be haunted af
CC: i think it just created itself??
AA: Still, I think the game should be obtained through better means. Couldn't you buy it from somewhere?
CC: ok so while mediafire was doin its thang
CC: i seriously tried to search for the game on ebay to appease you
CC: and the only copy was sold out
CC: and i mean the ONLY copy
CC: as in
CC: aint nobody producing this game
AA: That's rather worrisome, don't you think? Doesn't this mean the creator wanted the game to be hidden from the public? Shouldn't we then respect his privacy?
CC: chidi
CC: pace yourself
CC: youre digging a little deep
CC: were not stealing?? just?? repurposing??
AA: What's our new purpose?
CC: to play the game with four people who care about each other very much except for one person bc i do not care about her very much
AA: Oh, come on Eleanor.
AA: TT is a great person.
CC: no???? shes stuck up??? and awful???
AA: How so?
CC: she just thinks shes better than everyone else bc shes rich?? and she sees shit in the clouds???
CC: ive got clouds???
CC: they dont? tell me shit??
CC: fucking pain in the ass clouds
AA: If you promise me that you'll make amends with TT...
AA: I might play this with you.
CC: GOD
CC: DAMN
CC: IT
CC: chidi dont do this to me
CC: im already having a shit birthday????
CC: vicki came in??? with a clown?? that looks like bob ross??? and i already had to talk to tt once??? and i fucking hate myself????
AA: I'm really sorry about that, but I really think if we're all going to play this like she says, then we're all going to have to get along. It's for the greater good, Eleanor.
AA: You all seem adamant about playing, so I'm just going to have to give in. But I'd like to do it on my terms, Eleanor.
CC: ugh
CC: youre the worst
CC: but fine i will
CC: so be downloading
AA: Ok, I will. Thanks, Eleanor.
CC: youre welc

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering averageAdage [AA]

Looks like you're going to have to patch it up with TT. This is going to be a slog.

===>PATCH IT UP.

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

TT: Eleanor, are you quite alright?

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

===>WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?

You CAN'T DO THIS. She's TOO UNBEARABLE. You shouldn't HAVE to do anything. It's YOUR birthday. Not hers, not Chidi's, and not Jason's. It's YOURS to do what YOU WANT.

===>WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

Sleep. You just want to go back to bed and start this day over.

===>THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

And just WHY NOT?

===>LOOK OUTSIDE.

Oh.

OH.

OH NO.

METEORS are raining from the heavens. You don't know HOW... you don't know WHY... you're not even sure as to WHEN... but you have successfully began the end of the world!

===>YOU BETTER START THIS GAME.

No! Then you have to talk to TT! Which you are NOT about to do.

===>JUST

no.

===>DO IT.

No!

===>YOU LIED TO CHIDI, THEN?

You're fine with that. Unlike him, you couldn't give a rat's ass about morality.

===>THEN PERISH.

Sigh.

You really do have to talk to her, don't you?

If you must.

===>COME BACK TO TT CRYING.

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

CC: tt im sorry i didnt believe you about all this
TT: Yes, I noticed the meteor shower that seems to be going on worldwide. I just talked to Chidi, actually. He's rather frightened. I hope Jason is okay, but I cannot seem to reach him.
CC: you wanna know what your bf is doing???
TT: He's not my boyfriend.
TT: But, yes.
CC: your boyfriend is surfing
TT: Is he quite possibly *mental*? At a time such as *this*? He is *surfing*?
CC: yeah?? its storming p bad down there too
TT: He's hopeless.
CC: quite
TT: Eleanor, I truly do forgive you for any hostility you've shown me. I *understand* why you've lashed out like this. It's not easy being the informant of something so fantastical, and I'm afraid I've rather made a fool of myself to you. I'm sorry for that.
CC: hey fam its cool
CC: just tell me how to stop this shit???
TT: You're going to have to connect with Chidi because I don't have the copies yet.
CC: here lemme link you
CC: https.//wwwmediafirecom.dumbassgame/
TT: Oh, thank you. I apologize for not having confidence in you before.
CC: its aight
TT: Do you want to play when I get this installed, then? I wouldn't mind being your server player.

And have your life in her hands?

...

No thanks.

CC: thats ok
CC: i already gave chidi the files so he should be more prepared
TT: That's right. I forgot.
TT: Well, would you mind being my server?
CC: maybe?? later??? when everythings figured out??
TT: Yes, that's fine. Take your time. The Reckoning has begun, but we won't be facing personal meteor strikes for a while, I believe.
CC: cool beans
CC: ttyl
TT: Talk to you later.

carelessCommentator [CC] stopped pestering transcendantTalent [TT]

You have no plans to directly play this game with her. She can't even APOLOGIZE without coming off like a SNOOTY KNOW-IT-ALL. How did you get saddled with her?

===>REPORT BACK TO CHIDI.

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering averageAdage [AA]

CC: i apologized to tt
CC: now do you have??? the game??? downloaded???
AA: Yes, I downloaded both versions. Eleanor, are you going to be the server or the client? I'm not sure how comfortable I am with your life in my hands, so I would much rather be the client.
CC: uh??? honestly??? im the birthday girl and birthday girl wants to be client???
AA: Okay. That's fair.
AA: Load up the client. I'm establishing a host connection.

You get the program up and running from your toolbar.

===>PRESS [ENTER].

...

......

..............

???????????????????????????????????????

nothing happened

carelessCommentator [CC] began pestering averageAdage [AA]

CC: what gives??? wheres the game
AA: Since I've got the client version, I have the toolbars.
CC: oh
CC: thats cheap

Yeah, that would explain the giant green cursor hanging surreptitiously around the ceiling.

CC: what can you do??
AA: I guess move things around?

He certainly IS doing that. He lifts you bed up and drops it back down. You really hope he didn't notice your trashy magazine stash down there. You just had to know if Ryan Reynolds was secretly seventy-six.

He seems to take an edge of your bedroom and expands it. Wow. Life hacks.

CC: ok so how are we stopping these meteors???
CC: bc i dont think giving my house an extreme makeover is going to help????
AA: Trust me, I'm just as apprehensive of our impending doom as you are. I just need to get a feel for these controls.
CC: well??? do you think?? you could feel them??? faster?????????????
AA: Uh.
AA: Sure.

He attempts to select you, but isn't very successful. You're not into the idea of being picked up like a ragdoll.

AA: Sorry about that.
CC: is cool

A large machine is seemingly dragged out of the void and into the expanded part of your room. It has a couple simple machines on it and a large circle base with a weird symbol.

You hear something else get deployed in the living room. More like, you hear Vicki's reaction to it. She shrieks in terror.

VICKI: Eleanor what's going on
ELEANOR: nothing go back to couch

One more object is placed across from the circle base doodad. It looks like a large sewing machine mixed with a guillotine.

CC: wtf is any of this?????
AA: From what I understand, the first thing I put down is called the Alchemiter. The thing in your living room is a Cruxtuder. The other thing in your room is a Totem Lathe. I have no idea what any of these do, but I'm out of Grist, so I can't do anything else. I'm really sorry about burdening you with it, but I figured it was for achieving our goal.
CC: woah woah woah
CC: woah????
CC: lets dial it back chidi im not a nerd??? i dont know what any of this means????
AA: I don't either, to be frank with you. I think Grist is the currency.
CC: tbh i thought more creepy shit would happen by now
AA: Don't jinx us.
CC: fuck
AA: Try to investigate.

===>INVESTIGATE THE LIVING ROOM CONTRAPTION.

You haven't seen this one yet, so you're definitely more interested in it. You grab your laptop.

You enter the living room to see Vicki freaking out about the giant machine. It's almost like a metal reconstruction of a baking-soda volcano. Yours was the best out of the entire fourth grade.

Within what you assume is the Cruxtruder, you hear a high-pitched screaming. You really want to break out whatever's trapped in there. Alas, you can't seem to unscrew the top no matter how hard you try. Vicki can't either. She gave a more weaksauce approach.

CC: what do i do with this
AA: Try breaking something heavy over it.
AA: I've got an idea. Get out of the way.

You step away from the Cruxtruder. Chidi's cursor hovers over your couch. Bozo Ross falls off limply. He drags the couch over the Cruxtruder and drops it on the machine, breaking the cap off.

Unfortunately, the couch tumbles off the machine and crushes Vicki.

This is a terrible birthday.

CC: holy shit dude ???? what the fuck????????
AA: I'm sorry! I didn't think she'd still be standing there! Didn't you tell her to move?
CC: uh
CC: no???????? i figured she would on her own when she saw???? the huge??? cursor??? dragging??? our fucking couch???????????
AA: Oh geez oh geez oh geez oh geez what are we gonna do??????
CC: well bury the body later let me focus on this new shit

Out of the Cruxtruder came a ball of plasma with the same sign on it as the Alchemiter.

KERNELSPRITE: rtqvqvarg og, rngcug. k owuv dg rtqvqvargf. kp hcev, aqw owuv rtqvqvarg og vykeg.

CC: what??? the fuck????? is he saying???????
AA: It's text showing up on my screen. He says we need to prototype him twice.
CC: how??? do???
AA: I dunno. Ask him.

ELEANOR: how?? do??? we??? pro-to-type??? you???????

AA: You don't have to condescend to him.
CC: if hes gonna sound??? like a whale??? im gonna respond like one

KERNELSPRITE: aqwt ugtxgt rncagt owuv vcmg cp qdlgev cpf rwv kv kp og.

AA: Okay. I got it. It's a Caesar Cipher, Eleanor. Hold on.

The cursor takes Bozo Ross and puts it into the Kernelsprite.

no

nonononononononononno

whAT THE FUCK NO??????????

RACCOONS AND DEER HAVE JUST SPAWNED IN YOUR HOUSE. THIS IS GAME IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

CLOWNSPRITE: xpvme zpv mjlf uijt qbjoujoh? :0)

what

no

no you dont want the painting

AA: I still have to prototype him again, so don't worry. You're thankfully not going to be stuck with the clownsprite.
AA: And I have the perfect way to absolve us of any guilt for my murder.
CC: thats great
CC: hey chidi how are you keeping it together??? youre doing a really good job
AA: I'm not, but thanks.

Chidi drags Vicki's corpse into Clownsprite.

She is just as stunned as Eleanor.

VICKISPRITE: Why are there raccoons and deer in our apartment :o(
VICKISPRITE: Oh gosh this is such a nice painting :o)
VICKISPRITE: Man look at those animals they're all such nice friends :o)
ELEANOR: would you say youre more vicki???? or more bob ross?????
VICKISPRITE: I'm fifty percent Vicki twenty-five percent clown twenty-five percent Bob Ross and one hundred percent friend :o)
ELEANOR: god that nose is giving me the creeps

CC: chidi this is a thousand percent worse
CC: could we not have let her stay dead???
AA: You would rather her be dead than be a happy clown sprite?
CC: yes
CC: a million times over i would rather that
AA: Sorry, but my conscience could not let that happen. Unfortunately, she's no longer herself and was unwillingly changed into a very strange being. So, I am sorry for that, but at least she's not dead and we can call this murder revoked. Right?
CC: im gonna hold this over your head for the rest of your life
AA: Eleanor, I can't apologize enough. This really does bother me.
CC: im sure it does??? and anyway?? i was just joking its fine
CC: i would rather her be alive
CC: cant have the cops in here with all these animals around
AA: The Bob Ross part of her seems to have drawn in all the forest animals.
CC: did you ever watch that show??
AA: Yeah.
CC: i love that show
AA: It's good.

This is all really insane.

You kinda wish you went back to bed.

Chapter Text

OK, we've been through this process THREE TIMES ALREADY. We know you have a name, so what is it?

...TAHANI Al-JAMIL? Sounds good.

Your name is TAHANI AL-JAMIL. You've just awoken from a quick nap and venture into PROSPIT. You have a bit of a reputation in your circle of friends as being quite the PSYCHIC. You've predicted a few FUTURE EVENTS to the SHOCK and AWE of your peers. This is only because you're the only one who's truly WOKE.

===>SCORN THE AUTHOR FOR THAT HORRIBLE PUN.

Author is scorned hard.

Anyway.

You also have a number of interests like your friends. You take great pleasure in the FINEST of ARTS. The IMPRESSIONIST PERIOD is your favorite, and you hang many of their paintings on your walls. You're pretty creative, too. You love to PAINT and SKETCH. You've even tried your hand at SCULPTING.

===>CONFRONT YOUR LIES.

So maybe you didn't sculpt the SILVER BIRD. Maybe it was your SISTER. So what?

===>ADMIRE THE BIRD.

You absolutely will not admire that bird! It is a horrendous sculpture and only a reminder as to why you left your parents to live with your grandfather on a deserted tropical island. A very specific backstory, but one that certainly applies solely to you. You don't even think about Kamilah or your parents anymore. They're all a distant memory.

Besides, you have other things you can admire.

===>LIKE WHAT?

Like the mass of drawings you've taped onto your wall. Most of them are sketches of the DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS characters that you and your friends have played as. Eleanor tried to change up her characters as often as possible, Chidi dm'ed, and Jason typically made different characters that were always human. You played as the same character consistently.

Yes: LUMINA LUXOUS, light elf of Oroboron, princess of her realm, and loved by all. She is the greatest character of all the characters that were made in the campaigns.

Much better than Eleanor's UMBRRA SHADOW, the dark elf of Inendiar, the most feared sorcerer in all the realms. You still drew her along with Jason's character of that first campaign, BILIAM FERELL. Your fanart of the characters is simply high art.

===>STOP BEING SO DISTRACTED BY YOUR OWN ART.

Your art is... rather distracting. Maybe you shouldn't have made the chest so big?

Oh. You're being pestered by someone. Well, you should answer as soon as possible.

You don't have to go far because thankfully, you have a laptop. You log into the CETUS BROWSER.

undeadUnanimity[UU] began trolling transcendentalTalent[TT]

UU: What is the consensus? Has Eleanor accepted to play the game?
TT: Yes, but I'm afraid she isn't very worried about me.

You take a quick glance outside your window. Forest fires are starting quite near your cabana. You're considering taking shelter in the FROG TEMPLE.

UU: You should remember that you are collateral. You all are. The only person that should be worried about saving you is you.
UU: The universe will live on without you. And your friends, for that matter.
TT: That isn't very considerate. Why contact me at all if you don't care?
UU: But it is the truth and what is written in blood is truth. Whether I care has nothing to do with said truth. Your ideals make for a very blinding light.
UU: Your planet will cease to exist and you along with it if you are not careful. I would advise you not to make an enemy of me. I can end this session with a snap of my fingers. I am sure my associate will have no qualms about that.
TT: I'd love a word with your associate. I think I could get him to change his mind.
UU: Do not speak unless spoken to when it comes to him. He is very finicky with his support. I may hate him, but I respect his way of life.
TT: What if I found his username? What then? Would you all smite me?
UU: Are you not grateful, Princess, for the information I have provided for you? You would not have even known about the game had I not contacted you on Prospit.
TT: I am forever grateful. However, I believe you are a very rude person who should be corrected on his attitude at times.
UU: And that is where we differ. In my culture, I am on the nicer side of the spectrum. You would not want to deal with my associate as we are on very opposite ends.
TT: Associate, associate, associate... Are you two friends or acquaintances or what?
UU: It is hardly any of your business. You would not understand it. Humans have such a one-dimensional view of should I say — courtship? Yes, very one-dimensional.
TT: Oh. He is your boyfriend?
UU: What? No, we are more than "friends". But yes, he is a "boy" in gender.
TT: No, that means you're courting each other.
UU: We call it "kismesissitude". We are courting a caliginous relationship.
TT: Uh.
UU: My point, exactly.
TT: Why don't you just explain this, then?
UU: Do you really have the time?

===>CHECK PERSTERLOGS.

Yeah. No one's trying to pester you. You're a sitting duck. So yeah. You've got time.

TT: Yes.
UU: That is extremely sad.
UU: At any rate, I suppose I must indulge you in knowledge of my culture. We have quadrants which run the gambit from concupiscent to concilliatory, and flushed to caliginous. We call flushed concupiscent relationships a "matespritship". It is also called red-romance. Moirallegiance is concilliatory and considered "pale" since it is more of a positive but less sensual kind of thing. You can have moirails and a matesprit and no one will bat an eye. I have already explained kismesissitude which is concuspiscent and caliginous and black-romance, but the concilliatory version is called "auspisticism" or an ashen relationship. That is where two trolls who are trying to maintain other concuspiscent relationships find themselves hating one another but don't want to break off the other relationship. Thus, they call in an auspistice. They make sure to separate the other two.
UU: Looking back, this does not seem as complicated as I thought.
TT: Uh.
TT: No, it was.
TT: It was definitely as complicated as you thought.
UU: In simple terms: red is positive love(<3), pale is friendly(<>), ashen is a bulgeblock(o8<), and black is negative love(<3<).
TT: Oh.
TT: And you feel <3< for this other fellow?
UU: Yes.
TT: I think I know someone I also feel <3< for.
UU: Have you ever told them how you feel?
TT: No. I'm kind of afraid to. I think they feel <3 for me.
UU: Oh! The horrible fight between flushed and caliginous... I am truly sorry for your plight. You should tell them immediately while you still can! Maybe it will make them want to help you.
TT: If they hate me?
UU: Maybe the hate will be so strong that they'll want to see you suffer forever!
TT: Uh.
TT: Maybe.
TT: Jury's gonna be out on that one.
UU: Trust me. Have I been wrong yet?
TT: No.
UU: I have other matters to attend to. I shall talk with you another time. Glad I could share a smidgen of my culture.
TT: Ta-ta.

undeadUnanimity[UU] stopped trolling transcendentalTalent[TT]

===>PESTER GG.

transcendentalTalent[TT] began pestering grandGadabout[GG]

TT: Jason, I believe we must discuss something regarding our relationship.
TT: ?
TT: Jason?
TT: Are you still surfing in that dreadful hurricane?
TT: I'll talk to you later.

transcendentalTalent[TT] stopped pestering grandGadabout[GG]

grandGadabout[GG] began pestering transcendentalTalent[TT]

GG: hey sorry yeah. i was.
GG: i got washed back out.
GG: hey i think i see my boi pillboi.
TT: That's nice.
TT: Listen, I think there's an *unspoken thing* between us. Do you maybe want to come clean about it?
GG: i dunno what youre talkin about homie. what thing?
TT: The thing. *The Unspoken Thing*.
TT: There is a thing, Jason. You know this. I know this.

underlingUsurper[UU] interrupted the chat of grandGadabout[GG] and transcendentalTalent[TT]

UU: YEAH YEAH YEAH. WE ALL KNOW. BLECH. WE DON'T NEED YOU HERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR CULTURALLY APPROPRIATED FEELINGS. NO ONE CARES. ESPECIALLY ME. I DON'T CARE. I HATE YOU BOTH. PURE HATE. NOT CALIGINOUS. HAAAAAAATE. H8. FOR YOU. BOTH. BUT MOSTLY YOU. ESPECIALLY YOU.

underlingUsurper[UU] banned transcendentalTalent[TT] from typing in the chat

Why! The nerve of this man!

You're not even offended by him banning you from this chat. You can always start another. It's just that... how can someone hate you? Seems hypocritical, but your hate comes from a place of endearment. You hate your friends in order for them to recognize their flaws and improve. Good friends is all you ask for. Your constantly insulting the moniker of greatGamer is why Jason changed his tag to grandGadabout on your recommendation. 

UU: WHAT IN THE FORKING HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
GG: yo are you talkin to me homie?
UU: NO I'M TALKING TO THAT GUY STANDING ACROSS FROM YOU LOOKING LIKE HE JUST SLAMMED FIVE HUNDRED FAYGOS A CASE OF BOXED FANTA AND A DIET PEPSI
UU: OF COURSE I'M TALKING TO YOU, DIPWAD.
UU: YOU GOT A DEATH WISH, PAL? BECAUSE LAST I CHECKED, YOU'RE OUT IN METEOR TERRITORY.
UU: MIKHAL MIGHT THINK YOU'RE ALL UNNECESSARY BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE TEMPORAL TRASH. I'VE SEEN THE FUTURE. IT DOESN'T WORK WELL WITH YOU BEING CRUSHED BY A METEOR, BURNING TO A CRISP, OR SUFFOCATING FROM THE CARBON DIOXIDE COMING OFF THE CRASHING METEORS. SO I SUGGEST GETTING BACK INSIDE AND PLAYING THAT GOSHDARN GAME.
UU: JRGIXFNLQJGDPQLW
UU: I FORKING HATE THE MEDIUM!
UU: CAN'T CURSE FOR HOTDOGS IN THIS PLACE!
UU: WHAT EVEN IS THE POINT OF CURSING ANYMORE IF IT ALL GETS AUTOCORRECTED?
UU:L;KDYH;WR;IXFNLQJ;WDON;LQ;WRQJXHV;WR;IXFNLQJ;FXUVH
GG: hey fam are you gonna be alright?
UU: GRLIXFNLQJORRNOLNHLPHYHQUHPRWHOBRN NO
GG: could you bring my gal tt back? i think she was tryin to say somethin *important*.
UU: NOT REALLY. IT'S NOT GOING TO GO ANYWHERE. SHE'S TOO CHICKEN TO EVEN TELL YOU. THERE'S NO TIMELINE WHERE SHE'S GOING TO TELL YOU HOW SHE ACTUALLY FEELS ABOUT YOU.
GG: she feels somethin for me? sweet!
UU: FORK.
GG: thats great. oh wow. i should probably go back inside. shed kill me if she knew i actually wanted to go back on the waves.
UU: SHE CAN STILL READ THIS BUTTFACE.
GG: oh.
GG: sorry tt.
UU: SHE CAN'T REPLY, IDIOT.
GG: hey can you see the future?
UU: NO I'M THE SPACE GUY. THAT'S WHY I HAVE THIS BIG RED FORKING GEAR ON MY CHEST.
GG: oh sorry.
UU: JUST ASK ME WHATEVER THE FORK CROSSED YOUR PAINDUMP.
GG: is there a future where me and tt get together?
UU: YES. MANY.
GG: so were a thing? in the future?
UU: CALLING BRAINDEAD.
UU: CALLING BRAINDEAD.
UU: 1-800-ARE-YOU-READING-THE-WORDS-I'M-TYPING?
UU: DID I GET THE RIGHT NUMBER?
GG: no my number is

underlingUsurper[UU] banned grandGadabout[GG] from typing in the chat

UU: YOU GUYS DO NOT KNOW HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.
UU: DIDDLY DARN I GUESS I BETTER GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR. MIKHAL IS PITCHING A FIT.
UU: LPJRQQVPDVKWKLVSLHFHRIVKLWLQWRDCLOOLRQSLHFHV DIDDLY DARN IS THE WORST CURSE I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE DIDDLY DARN FORKING DANG IT.
UU: I'M GONNA PEEL SOMEONE'S FACE FOR FORK'S SAKE.

underlingUsurper[UU] stopped trolling in the chat.

That was... a trip.

Unfortunately it seems the stranger has made Jason think your feelings are flushed. What a demon. Perhaps this is the other guy's associate? You can see how they'd hate each other. It's kind of the same way you hate Jason. For just being so irritatingly annoying and always messing up. Also, he's very stupid. This associate guy is probably just like that. Nix the stupidity. He's quite annoying.

Jason's nowhere near as annoying, but probably more reckless. Hopefully, he's alright.

===>TAHANI, BE JASON.