Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Alyssa shouldn’t have been here. She was supposed to be thousands of miles away from here, somewhere no one from her past life could ever find her. She had been saving up money for this escape since she was fifteen, and by the time she was eighteen, she had enough to pay at least two month’s rent, as well as a bit left over for food and water and such. After a short grace period, she was going to move in with her brother and start her new life as Juliana Prescott, someone who was different from Alyssa Greene in every way possible.

She had planned every step she had taken meticulously. Alyssa was careful to hide her money from her mother, made sure she only called her brother when knew no one could hear her. Adrian even had a college picked out for her and, with a lot of string pulling, got her a job somewhere in some theater. As with everything, Alyssa had made sure to dot every I and cross every T.

It was only a week before she had planned to leave when her mother pulled her out of school early. She was terrified that she had been found out, and what her mother would do to punish her. Maybe if she didn’t know where the money was, she could still run off, even if she had to leave earlier than intended. She could find a way work around this. This would be nothing but a road bump, something temporary, something fixable.

But Mrs. Greene hadn’t found out about her plans for New York. She had heard from one of the other parents that Alyssa had tried to hit on one of the girls in her cheerleading squad. Alyssa denied the claim, but Mrs. Greene could see the way she avoided her gaze, how her cheeks flushed red at the reminder of what she had done. She was fuming.

It took her two days to set up an appointment with the head of a facility called ‘True Directions’, a notorious gay-away camp in the area. In just one more, she was shipped off to spend the rest of the school year there. She had tried to call her brother but there was no answer, and when she tried to sneak out to catch the bus, she was dismayed to find her mother waiting for her on the sofa. There was no escape; all she could do was sit and wait for her fears to be realized.

And now, here she was, sitting on some stupid pink bed in a room full of girls just like her, wearing the most hideous thing she’d ever seen on a human being. It felt like some cruel joke. She had went to such extreme lengths to ensure her freedom, and some freak bullshit like this was her downfall? It wasn’t fair.

She had no idea what she was going to do now. Alyssa was good at acting straight, so she could probably just breeze through this stupid shit and continue on with her life. But she knew her mother would never let her out of her sights again. She’d force Alyssa to marry some jackass and have kids with him, would hold her by the throat until the day she died. Her life was fucked, plain and simple.

“Hey.” She didn’t hear the girl when she first spoke, too lost in her own pity party to pay her any mind. Alyssa only noticed her when she felt the bed shift, glancing over at her. “Don’t you go to James Madison, too?”

She nodded, too stunned to give any real reply. Emma Nolan just had to be here, didn’t she? Emma was biggest girl crush yet, one she used to think she was over. Apparently not, considering how flustered she felt around her. “A lot of us go there too. You know Ruthie, right?” Alyssa was taken aback for a moment, before quickly scanning around the room until she found her. “Yeah, of course. How’d she end up here?”

Expecting Ruthie to answer, she kept staring at her for a while, before shifting it to Emma when she spoke. “She got caught, just like the rest of us.” The way Emma said it made Alyssa shudder. Saying she was ‘caught’ made it sound like she was doing something awful, something unforgivable. It sounded ugly coming out of Emma’s mouth, an underlying bitterness to her tone, an edge to it that kept it looping through Alyssa’s head until she forced it out.

There were a few other girls scattered about the room, but Alyssa had no idea who they were and frankly, no desire to find out. She didn’t want to get attached to anyone, not now, not when she wanted nothing more than to leave this shitty town behind. “I’m Emma by the way. I don’t know if you remember me- we had chemistry together sophomore year, but we didn’t like, talk or anything.” How could Alyssa ever forget? Emma could take her breath away with nothing more than a passing glance.

The only class they had shared was chemistry. Alyssa often caught herself staring at Emma, not for any particular reason, just to admire the way her face crinkled up when she was deep in thought, or how she would play with her hair when she didn’t know an answer. It was hell, but after two years of not seeing her, she thought she had moved on. “Of course I remember you!” She hoped she didn’t sound too excited. “You helped me with that one experiment, remember? The peanut brittle one?”

They talked for a few minutes after that. Alyssa learned as much as she could about Emma, like how she drove a pickup truck and hated the color pink and lived with her grandma. Talking to Emma was addictive. Her voice was like a drug, and after two years of withdrawal, she was sure she would die without it. In fact, she would have never stopped talking to her if the woman running this shitshow (Alyssa thought her name might have been Mary, she didn’t care enough to check) didn’t come in. She let everyone know that lights out was in five minutes, and that they’d have to get up early tomorrow for some dumb reason Alyssa didn’t remember. She was gone fast enough, but the room knew better than to get caught staying up too late.

“See you in the morning.” Alyssa flashed Emma a gentle smile, to which she simply nodded and crawled off her bed. As promised, in five minutes, the lights were shut off and the door was slammed shut. Alyssa did her best to fall asleep, despite how many thoughts were racing through her mind at once. She wondered if her brother ever got her texts, or if he even cared. He had ran away so suddenly, without even saying goodbye. It was like one second he was there and he next he was gone. Was this his plan? To get on their mother’s good side by throwing Alyssa under the bus? Was her dream of starting over a pipe dream from the start?

She tried not to think about it. Really, she was trying not to think at all, but she figured it would be best to start small. It was actually working until she heard an oddly suspicious creaking, causing her eyes to shoot open. She debated investigating the strange noise, but eventually decided it wasn’t worth the effort. Instead, she let whoever decided now was the perfect time to use the bathroom be, and closed her eyes again.

Chapter Text

Alyssa slept a little. It was more than she expected, so it wasn’t like she could really complain, but she still felt so shitty when she got up that morning. After she had gotten ready, her and the rest of the girls were herded outside. The boys arrived a few minutes after them. The activity was simple, really, and seemed like it wouldn’t take long. One by one, they went in a circle, introducing themselves, saying a quick fun fact, and then admitting they were gay. It was easy enough, but it put Alyssa in a funk for the rest of the day.

During this activity, Alyssa had to truly come to terms with the situation she was in, truly accept the fact that she would be stuck here for the next few weeks and for some reason, that would be the easy part. She could easily hide being herself here because she had no other option, but out in the real world? There would be pretty woman after pretty woman for her to ignore, dating apps for her to use, college ‘experiments’ to be had. She wouldn’t be constantly surrounded by reasons not to date woman like she was here, rather, quite the opposite. God, the entire month of June would full of constant reminders about the life she could have had, if she had just been more careful.

She could never shake the awful feeling, could never get those thoughts out of her head. It followed her all day, no matter what she did to shake free from its grasp. She had been allowed to do anything she wanted after the activity was completed, but all she could manage to do was lay on her bed and stare at the ceiling. Ruthie had came in and sat on the bed next to her at some point. They didn’t speak for a while, just sat and enjoyed each other’s silence. It brought an odd feeling of comfort. It was a reminder that Alyssa wasn’t the only one having a hard time, and that there were millions of people having the exact same thoughts as she was.

Emma showed up sometime later, Alyssa wasn’t really sure of the time. She sat down next to her and began to talk with her, again, over nothing really important. Somehow, Emma had brought up every topic except their current situation, and it honestly did make Alyssa feel just a bit better.

That’s usually how they would spend their free time. Sometimes they would play games, sometimes they would just talk, sometimes Ruthie would join in, sometimes she would sneak off to some part of the camp Alyssa hadn’t seen. It made things tolerable, and at times, even borderline enjoyable. A few times, when Alyssa spent the night tossing and turning, Emma would even sneak into her bed after lights out. They didn’t speak. Alyssa would just lay her head on her lap and let her play with her hair, taking note of how often she breathed. Every second and a half she would breathe in, and every second she would breathe out. She never knew how long they would stay like that. All she knew was that one moment, she’d be lying there, and the next, she was waking up to face a new day.

Nothing interesting happened until the next week or two. After their morning activity, Ruthie had told everyone that she had gotten themselves a ride to a nearby gay bar. No one cared enough to ask questions, minus where and when. “Tonight.” She said with a smirk. “Right after Mary calls lights out, we’re all get ready and sneak out.”

Alyssa wasn’t sure if she should go. She wanted to, oh how she wanted to, but she knew that getting caught doing something like this would lead to immediate expulsion. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if Alyssa’s mom wasn’t waiting eagerly to hear about her straight successes. God, she couldn’t even imagine what she’d do to her if her mom knew she was even thinking about accepting Ruthie’s offer.

“Are you sure it’s safe? I mean, I really wanna go… But what if something bad happens?” Alyssa still wanted to try. This might have been her only chance to go to one, after all. “We’ll be fine. I sneak out like, every other night- I haven’t been caught once.” Alyssa’s expression brightened a bit. It was nice to have someone like Ruthie so close by, someone with such an unbreakable spirit. “Alright. Fine. But if we get in trouble, I’m blaming you.” She flashed her a smile, before turning to Emma. “Are you gonna go?”

She hadn’t meant to sound so excited, but based off Emma’s somewhat taken aback expression, she supposed it had come out wrong. “Yeah, sure. It would suck to be the only girl left behind. Are any of the boys coming?”

Ruthie nodded, “Most of them, yeah. A couple are staying back, but they don’t seem like the snitching type.”

There wasn’t much time left for talking. Soon enough, they had to file to lunch, where they’d be sitting with Mary and the gaggle of goons working under her. Whenever they looked away, Alyssa would shoot Ruthie a glance, and Ruthie would grin and nod at her. Despite the fact neither of them spoke, it was the best conversation she had been a part of in a while. There was an underlying intensity to it all, as if they were sharing each other’s most intimate secrets. Then, Mary would turn her head back to the table, and it was over. It felt rude.

The table was dead silent. It made Alyssa feel oddly calm, oddly at home. Dinners with her mom usually went the same way. Alyssa would ask her how her day was, her mom would reply with some non answer, and Alyssa would nod. Then, she would be interrogated about how school went. “Any test grades back?” Was a tolerable question enough. “No.” Even if she had learned of something, she would always answer no; her mom never cared as long as she could whore around a straight-A report card by the end of it. “Any updates on your clubs?” Was annoying, but rarely resulted in conflict. “No. Everything’s still going smoothly.” Would be her usual reply. Her mom didn’t care for the details, she would be satisfied as long as she knew nothing was in jeopardy. “Did you weigh yourself this morning?” Was her least favorite. She never did, but she would always make up some small number and her mother would accept it. “Good.” Was her cue that the conversation was complete- there was no more need to speak. For the next twenty minutes, they would sit in silence, waiting for the other to finish eating, before going their separate ways.

But this wasn’t her dining room table, she reminded herself. She should be worried that it was so quiet. Mary liked to discuss their treatments with them, often times outlining tomorrow’s activities or reviewing what they had done that morning, but for once, there was silence. Her eyebrows were furrowed, eyes scanning the room every few minutes or so. Something was up. Alyssa was sure she had somehow heard word of their plan, and immediately she was panicking. No longer did she find comfort in the quiet- now it hung thick in the air like some sort of poisonous gas.

The next time Mary looked away, Alyssa looked to Ruthie again. There would be no conversation this time, only the sharing of panicked looks and the locking of frantic eyes. Alyssa had hoped Ruthie had been a bit more calm than she was, but it seemed even she saw nothing but danger in this silence.

Alyssa was ready to faint until she felt something touch her hand from under the table. A quick, risky glance proved it to be another hand. It was Emma’s. She wasn’t sure why she had done it, but she could only guess it was to calm her down. It made sense- if Alyssa was freaking out, Mary would surely act sooner and harsher than she would have. Alyssa offered her a nod as thanks, to which Emma just smiled gave her hand a gentle squeeze. Alyssa wished Emma knew how much her small acts of kindness meant to her. It was worth more than a nod of the head; Emma deserved a bigger reward for it. Alyssa just didn’t know what that reward was, didn’t know how to find it.

“Girls, go back to your rooms. I have to talk to the boys in private.” Alyssa hesitated before doing as told. She only needed to speak with the boys? Did that mean their secret was safe, that at least she was safe? She supposed so. She stood slowly, nearly forgetting to tug her hand away from Emma’s. It felt horrible, as if Emma’s hand was the one thing keeping her from falling apart on the spot. She was worried it was a foreshadowing for what was to come.

Ruthie was the first to run into the room, rushing straight to her bed. “I think we’re in the clear. I’m gonna tell our ride to pick us up a couple hours later just in case.” She got on her knees and reached under her bed, leaving Emma and Alyssa wondering what on earth she had up her sleeve. They were shocked to watch her pull out a cellphone. “I smuggled it in a while ago,” She explained, as if able to read their minds, fingers tapping hurriedly on the small screen. “My cousin loves close by and she couldn’t bare the thought of me being here.” It was a bad explanation, the kind that raised more questions than it answered. Did that mean her cousin snuck in here? Did Ruthie sneak out to her? More importantly, why did her cousin even have Ruthie’s phone in the first place?

Still, it was the only explanation Ruthie was willing to give them, so Alyssa decided not pester her about it any more. She was too busy texting to respond to her anyways. The three girls were stuck in that position for a while, with Ruthie on the floor and the other two standing awkwardly around her, until Emma heard a light creak coming from the other side of the door. “Ruthie, I think she’s coming.” Ruthie was adamant about sending whatever she was writing, and didn’t hide her phone right as Emma spoke. The creaking got louder, and soon enough, soft footsteps could be heard alongside them. Emma didn’t dare try to warn her again. By this point, if she had, whoever was on the other side of that door would have been able to hear them.

Ruthie shoved her phone under her leg just as the door opened, and of course, it was Mary standing in the doorway. She cocked a brow at their weird positioning, but decided it wasn’t worth a scolding, instead launching into the reason she was there, “I apologize for my odd behavior at lunch. I found out that two of the boys had been…” She paused, trying to muster the courage to finish her sentence. “Having relations with each other since the start of our time together. They’ve been expelled, and I plan to question the rest of the boys about their knowledge on the illicit affair.”

Alyssa felt jealous of those two. They were strong enough to know who they are, brave enough to show it, and lucky enough to be away from True Directions. They’d surely be going home to something awful, something that bordered on the illegal side most likely, but for this brief moment, it must have felt like winning the World Cup. They beat True Directions. They proved to the world that they weren’t willing to bend and break themselves, that they weren’t going to sit quietly and let someone fuck with their mind for weeks on end.

“I just came to let you all know that, if any of you know one of your fellow Children of God are doing something they’re not supposed to be,” Her eyes landed on Ruthie as she spoke. “And you don’t come and tell me, you all will be punished.” Her gaze went from girl to girl, scanning their expressions for signs of weakness or fear- anything that could help her decide if anyone was keeping someone’s secret. She expected everyone to be protecting Ruthie, but unfortunately for her, they were protecting themselves. They all had something to hide, some person or event that could destroy them.

Mary stared for a while, eventually deciding it wasn’t worth it and moving on. “Good night.” Once she was gone, Alyssa sat down next to Ruthie.

She had two options, realistically. She could turn Ruthie in and save herself, or risk everything by protecting her. It seemed so easy to rat her out, so fucking easy. She was never close with her. Really, she had no reason to risk her ass for her. By throwing her under the bus, she could earn Mary’s trust, become her pet, and fool her into thinking she had been turned straight by the end of the summer. It was such a good plan.

She began to wonder if Ruthie would even think about fucking her over had their positions been reversed, though the answer was obvious enough: of course she wouldn’t. Ruthie would fight for her until they were both caught and both given whatever hellish punishment Mary could throw at them. God, she wished she could be as strong as she was, as strong as those two boys that got caught were, as strong as Emma was. She wanted to be able to protect the people she cared about too. Was that even possible? Was she too far gone, too far brainwashed and conditioned by her mother to ever be anything more than her model child?

Alyssa had no way of knowing if she could do it. “Are we still sneaking out tonight?” But she’d rather get caught than not try at all.