Chapter Text
Jihoon had no idea what he'd do around these three certain boys training with him. One was like a big puppy always asking for his attention, the other was like a hamster that you can't take your eyes off from and the last one just wouldn't stop cornering him. It was nice getting attention but sometimes he wished they'd give him time for himself.
Just like that morning when Soonyoung decided to wake him up as usual. Mingyu and Seokmin had kept him up half of the night before, therefore complaining when Soonyoung tried to shake him awake. All he wanted to do was sleep but the taller male wouldn't let him.
"Jihoonie, wake up, breakfast is gonna be served soon." Soonyoung shakes him again, stubborn as always.
"Leave me alone..." Jihoon complains, pulling the covers above his head in hopes that Soonyoung let him be. It was a Saturday after all.
You see, when you're 17, sleep was very vital especially for a growing man and Jihoon wanted to grow since his peers were shooting up in height while he, unfortunately, remained short.
"What seems to be the problem here?" Mingyu stands near the bunk bed Jihoon was laying in.
"Jihoon won't get up. He's gotten lazy again." Soonyoung answers, giving Jihoon one last shake before standing up from his seat on Jihoon's bed, only to be replaced by Mingyu who crouched low enough to reach Jihoon's ear.
"Hyung, wake up. I made omelet." The voice that resounded in Jihoon's ear made him shiver. Why does Kim Mingyu always have to talk that low into his ear? Now Mingyu was wrapping his arms around his torso, pulling him out his cocoon of comforter.
"Mingyuuuu... Nooooo..." Whines Jihoon as he was pulled out of bed, forced to stand on his own feet. He was too tired to relay on his own weight that he leans against Mingyu's chest, having an internal battle whether to open his eyes or dive back to the comfort of his bed.
"Come on hyung or else Soonyoung hyung will finish off breakfast." At the mention of his name, performance leader Soonyoung looks at him weirdly.
Suddenly, Mingyu lifts Jihoon up with both arms, carrying the smaller male as he shook him around. It catches Jihoon off guard and soon, he was clinging on to Mingyu as the other shook him awake. As soon as he was set down, he wobbled out of the room as far as possible from Mingyu who was laughing at how weird Jihoon was walking. The three of them sits down the floor where the other members were eating their breakfast, passing kimchi, rice and plates around as they share a home cooked meal for once. They didn’t have the luxury to eat home prepared meals as much since they go straight to training after classes ended during the week and it was a blessing that a few of them knew how to cook especially Mingyu. And Mingyu uses his skill to his advantage. He knows the dishes Jihoon would eat so he prepares them as much as he can during the weekends when they have some time to themselves in the morning. Today, he made omelet for his friend, waiting expectantly for Jihoon to praise his dish. Of course Jihoon delivered. His face lights up as he takes a bite. He smiles at Mingyu and it was enough for the latter to melt on the spot. He always liked Jihoon’s smiling face even if Jihoon was sporting some heavy eyebags, which was also Mingyu’s fault.
That day was free day for all 13 members. Usually, they spend it in indoors but majority of them wanted to go out and spend the day with their parents who were in town due to Project 17. Everyone else was preparing that day except Jihoon, who sat on the living room floor with a comforter wrapped around him. Apparently, his parents had already left for Busan that morning so there was no reason for him to leave the dorm. Everyone gave worried looks at him. A few nights ago, they had witnessed Jihoon cry in front of the camera due to the burden he carried on his shoulders. It was no joke how Jihoon worked hard to compose their songs and how much he stayed in the studio than their dorm, and seeing him now all tired and ready to sleep again, they couldn’t really force him to leave the dorm if all he wanted to do that day was rest.
“You can come with me. My parents wouldn’t mind.” Mingyu tells Jihoon as he sits in front of the smaller male on the living room floor. One-by-one, the members climb down the stairs to exit the building.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m just gonna sleep while you guys are gone.” Jihoon dismisses, laying on the floor as he said so.
“Wouldn’t you be lonely though?”
“I’m no stranger to loneliness, Mingyu.” Yawns Jihoon.
The statement worries Mingyu but there was no helping it when Jihoon got like this. The guy was used to keeping everything to himself that it even surprises Mingyu sometimes whenever Jihoon would blatantly open up or cries in front of him. Jihoon was good at hiding his feelings because he was a unit leader therefore he shouldn’t show his unit how he cracks under the pressure.
Mingyu catches up with the others and once spotting Seungcheol, punches him on the arm while mumbling. “This is all your fault.” Leaving a confused Seungcheol to guess what was going on.
Jihoon walks around their dorm aimlessly, not really sure of what he was looking for. Something misplaced maybe? But he honestly had no idea what he was going to do the whole day so he just walks around, looking for something that wasn’t there in the first place. Everything was clean: the beds were made, the kitchen was spotless, the bathroom was clean and nothing was broken. It left Jihoon with one thing: make some music. He puts his comforter back on his bunk bed and changes to warmer clothes. Satisfied with his sweater (probably not his since it was bigger), he leaves the dorm and walks to the agency building. He bows as the staff greets him. Silently, he creeps to his small studio and shuts himself for the rest of the day, skipping lunch and dinner altogether just to distract himself from his intruding thoughts.
At the Han River, the Seventeen members were welcomed by a surprised picnic organized by their parents. Seungcheol was proud of himself to have thought of it the last minute. Everyone had totally forgotten that they had left Jihoon behind in the dorm until Soonyoung mentions he wished Jihoon was there. It put a downer on most of the members but they knew better to force the guy who needed rest and probably some time alone. They spend the day telling about their experiences and playing games to which, everyone enjoyed even Minghao and Jun who still had difficulty speaking in Hangeul.
During a basketball match, Soonyoung lets out a frustrated sigh.
“Ahh I wish Woozi was here! He would know how to beat S.Coups’ ass.” He huffs, wiping the sweat on his brow as they sat around the court floor.
“You think Woozi can beat me? Huh.” Seungcheol just smirks at the younger male. “At least in basketball, I’m better than him.” He sticks his tongue out and stands up to shoot the ball, which flawlessly falls in the ringed net. “See?”
“Maybe, but he does know how to get into your nerves and make you lose your cool.” Chan laughs.
“Wha-“
“Don’t underestimate Woozi hyung, he’s got so much evil in that small body of his.” Chan continues. “Just imagine the songs he has made for us!” the maknae opens his arms to the sky to emphasize how great Jihoon is to his eyes. “We wouldn’t have made it without him.”
“Woozi’s quite amazing huh?” Jeonghan says dreamingly. “He may not be a main vocal but he has a cool voice and is practically a music genius.”
“At first, I thought I wasn’t going to get along with him. I mean, he’s from Busan!” Soonyoung butts in. It makes Chan laugh because he knew what Soonyoung meant. “But the moment he laughs at my jokes, may it be dumb or just some lame pun, its infectious. His eyes disappear when he laughs and all his teeth come out and it makes me laugh when he laughs. Don’t you think?”
“I couldn’t agree with you more.” Mingyu nods. “He rarely laughs, always glaring or staring into space and it’s such a rare chance to hear him laugh these days.”
“Remember when PD-nim told him to do Aegyo?” everyone who wasn’t with their family came closer to listen to Soonyoung’s story. “PD-nim wanted him to do the bunny aegyo and he hated it. I heard him whine and it was still cute how he cursed under his breath before saying ‘poing poing’.” The memory tugs a smile on their lips.
“Then as soon as PD-nim says he is good to go, he literally jumps off the table, away from the camera and hides somewhere.” Wonwoo continues, remembering that Doyoon was sitting next to Jihoon during those moments and that he faced the same fate that day. “I really hate aegyo but on Woozi, it just comes naturally.”
“Woozi is totally a fairy guys.” Soonyoung adds.
“You just have a crush on him that’s why you’re saying that.” Chan comments. He spares a glance at Seungcheol and Mingyu, catching the frowns that appeared.
“Me?” Soonyoung points at himself. “Can’t say I don’t have one.” He adds proudly. It was quite obvious he liked Jihoon among the rest.
“But he’s my wife!” Seungcheol complains.
“What kind of husband makes their wife cry?” Soonyoung widens his eyes at their leader. At the memory of Seungcheol and Jihoon’s impromptu wedding years before, everyone in their circle nods their head in agreement to Soonyoung’s words.
“Yeah, you made Woozi cry recently in front of the camera too.” – Chan
“When you’re husband and wife, it’s the husband’s duty to make sure their wife does not cry.” Soonyoung nods to himself as he says these words to Seungcheol who looked defeated in his seat. “Can I expect a split up very soon?” He grins.
“O-oi! I can still fix it!” Seungcheol growls.
“If you’re not careful enough, someone might just snatch Woozi under your nose.” Mingyu smirks.
Everyone in that immediate circle witnessed the tension as Seungcheol, Mingyu and Soonyoung exchange glances. It has been made clear that the three had motives for their dear composer and hyung. Vernon couldn’t handle it anymore and left. One-by-one, they left the court to pack up their things in order to get back to the dorms before the sun went away. Everyone who was in that circle expected something to happen that night as they ventured back home.
Seventeen’s parents took them back to the dorms. They made sure their sons got home safely before making their way back to their respective homes as well. As soon as their parents were out of sight, Seungcheol, Mingyu and Soonyoung raced up the stairs to search for Jihoon, only to find the door locked and the lights off. Good thing each unit leader had a spare key or else they were locked out until Jihoon came back. As they set their bags down and settled in, Mingyu couldn’t help the panic that crept in his chest as he realized Jihoon wasn’t there. He checks his phone but there wasn’t a single message from Jihoon. He asks the others if Jihoon had left them any messages but none could answer him.
“Where could Jihoonie be?” Jeonghan sighs, shaking his coat off as he got comfortable with the others on the living room floor.
“Let’s think for a while…” Soonyoung draws everyone’s attention to him. “Whenever he’s frustrated, what does Jihoon usually do?” Chan raises his hand.
“He eats cereal.”
“He wraps himself with two comforters like a cocoon.” Seungkwan supplies.
“He bullies me.” Wonwoo deadpans.
“He cries himself to sleep?” Seokmin suggests. “I mean… I saw him once…”
“When was that?” Mingyu inquires, totally oblivious about it happening. He was worried that with the extreme stress Jihoon was feeling, he must have been crying himself to sleep these days.
“It was so long ago… about a year ago, I think? I guess he thought there was no one home so when I opened the door, I saw his back and heard him sniffling. I didn’t want to eavesdrop so I left him alone.” Seokmin scratches his head as if he should have shared this information earlier.
“Okay let’s all calm down.” Chan pats Soonyoung and Mingyu’s shoulders. “Let’s go out and search for him in places he might be in.”
“Let’s go into units! Hip hop unit go to the agency, Vocal unit to the convenience store and Performance unit to the park. If you see him, send a message in the group chat, okay?” Seungcheol looks everyone dead in the eye until they collectively nodded their heads.
As soon as the order was given, all 12 of them stands up and goes with their respective units in search for the dear Jihoon.
The screen stares harshly back at Jihoon. He had been sitting in front of his computer for ten hours now, only leaving the studio for bathroom breaks. The whole day had been unproductive for Seventeen’s composer. Inside his head, there was no inspiration, just muddled thoughts as to why he was burdening himself into making songs. The thought always burdened him yet he couldn’t tell anyone, scared of the disappointment that was to come after. They expected a lot of him, Bumzu said it himself, he was a prodigy, a genius for music yet why couldn’t he have pushed them further to debut earlier? Of course he knew it was something he couldn’t control but still, it weighed on him every day.
He hugged his knees closer as a new batch of tears prickled his tired eyes. This was the reason why he couldn’t focus the whole day. The tears just wouldn’t stop coming no matter how much he told himself it was okay, that he should take one step at a time and let things happen in due time. He had shut himself in the studio in hopes of transforming these feelings into something but instead beat himself with it. He was exhausted, his eyes were numb and sore from crying all day and he was sure as hell hungry too but it didn’t matter when his heart weighed heavier than his mind. It was the worst state to be in and he’d hate for anyone to find him in such a state. Everyone perceived him to be the strong independent hyung and that’s the story he’ll stick with.
It was obvious that Jihoon lost track of time because the door to his unlit studio bursts open and came in Seungcheol, Mingyu, Vernon and Wonwoo, all looking disheveled.
Jihoon quickly wipes at his eyes and takes a deep breath, suddenly finding the need to stabilize himself in such a short time; before he could even turn his swivel chair, arms wrapped around him in a tight hold.
“It’s alright hyung. We’re right here for you.” Mingyu whispers.
It pulls a few strings in Jihoon’s heart and soon enough, he was crying again. This time, Jihoon’s body shook with how hard he kept his sobs in. His chin quivers as he holds his mouth shut, forcing all the ugly noise inside his small body. He didn’t want anyone to see him in such a state yet there they were, witnessing him breakdown in a cold unlit room with an empty track in front of them.
“Let’s get you home.” Mingyu soothes him out of his chair, holding him closer than usual as they walk out of his tiny room.
The walk back to the dorm was a blur. All Jihoon could register were shoes and the ground. He felt too ashamed to pull his head up and look at his friends. He must have looked so pitiful then.
Once they were back in the dorm, where the others were patiently waiting, Jihoon dislodges himself from Mingyu and hand motions them all to stay away for a while, taking a deep breath before walking towards the shared bedroom he was assigned to. Everyone exchanged worried looks until their gazes all fell to their Leader, who was feeling anxious himself.
"You should go talk to him. You've been the closest to him all these years." Jeonghan urges Seungcheol to go now before Jihoon completely cuts himself off from everyone.
"I feel nervous." Seungcheol confesses. The members closest to him pats his back as encouragement while holding their thumbs up.
"You can do it S.Coups! You're our leader!" Chan cheers.
"You're thick-skinned, you can do this." Seungkwan nods as he put a reassuriing hand on Seungcheol's shoulder, giving it a little squeeze before hugging him briefly.
"I don't know if that was a compliment or an insult." Seungcheol comments. Seungkwan simply shrugs his shoulders as response. "Okay... I can do this. Someone grab something for Jihoon to eat, I'm sure he hasn’t..." Seungcheol sighs. He knew this behaviour so well he almost felt responsible for Jihoon's sadness.
"I got it covered." Mingyu volunteers. He and Soonyoung waste no time in getting leftovers from their picnic, hoping Jihoon would accept their concern.
The three of them: Seungcheol, Soonyoung and Mingyu, make their way to Jihoon's bedroom. There, they find their dear composer laying on his bed, back against them. They could hear the soft sniffling coming from Jihoon and it broke their heart to see their friend in such a state. Slowly, they walked closer, Seungcheol sitting at the opposing bunk bed to give Jihoon some space.
"I'm not sure what happened today but... please eat something Jihoon. Everyone's really worried about you." Seungcheol starts but Jihoon doesn't budge from his position. He glances at the other two members with him, hoping one of them knew what to do.
It was Soonyoung who moved next. He sat on Jihoon's bed and laid his hand on his shoulder, giving the other's arm a little squeeze before speaking.
"At least drink water Woozi. We're not leaving until you pay attention to us." Soonyoung tells him calmly.
The taller rubs on Jihoon's arms soothingly until the other pulled himself up, back still against them, as he wiped the tears away secretly. Finally, Jihoon turns to face them. His eyes were red-rimmed and bulging, almost concealing majority of his eyes. It seemed as though he was the new 10:10 icon instead of Hoshi with how slit looking his eyes were.
"Here." Soonyoung holds out the glass of water towards Jihoon and thankfully, the latter takes it and drinks from it. It helped calm down Jihoon's frayed nerves. "Finish it all if you can. We also brought some food. Knowing you and your stubbornness, you probably haven't eaten anything." It was Mingyu's turn to hand out Jihoon the plate he was holding. It wasn't much for dinner but Mingyu swore he could make something better later if Jihoon wants to.
Once Jihoon finishes his glass of water, Soonyoung takes away the glass and sets it aside. He then looks at Jihoon's tired figure and opens his arms for a hug.
"Come here Jihoonie."
At first, Jihoon just stares at him but later moves toward Soonyoung to hug him. Jihoon buries his face on Soonyoung's chest and tries to swallow the bad feelings down. But it was useless because the tears came again and Soonyoung could feel the wetness soak through his shirt. He runs a hand through Jihoon's hair while mumbling soothing words into Jihoon's ear.
"Hey, it's gonna be alright Jihoonie. You have us to cover your back. You don't have to carry all of the burden yourself. You can tell me if something is bothering you." He continues to pat Jihoon's back comfortingly, hoping the sobbing would stop soon so they can properly talk about Jihoon's feelings.
Those 5 minutes felt like an hour with the silence and Jihoon's sobs. For a while, as Jihoon got down the peak of his crying, they stayed tangled in each other's arms. Soonyoung didn't mind. That moment felt like a vital experience for them both and he didn't want to miss it. He wanted to be there for Jihoon no matter what.
"I'm... sorry you had to... see that..." Jihoon croaks. He pulls himself away from Soonyoung, wiping at his eyes again, before really looking at everyone under dim light. "I'm just really tired..."
It hits a nail inside Seungcheol. Those words take him back to the night when Jihoon confessed about Seventeen's future resting upon his shoulders. It was a burden he, the leader, should be carrying but instead, Jihoon carried everything himself. Seungcheol knew the gravity of those words and it hit him like a pile of bricks the moment Jihoon cried. He felt responsible for everything after that.
"Then take a rest." Mingyu talks after a long time. He reaches a hand to Jihoon and holds the other's cold one, intertwining their fingers in hopes of passing his warmth to Jihoon's cold hand. "You don't need to work always. You can have fun too, laugh at jokes and be a teenager. No one is nagging you to finish those songs. You are amazing just the way you are hyung, don't let those assumptions eat you alive." Jihoon simply nods, taking a shaky breath in as he squeezes Mingyu's hand.
"I'll try..." Jihoon sniffles then tries to smile.
It was hard for him to see the brighter things when all his life, there was always a bar to reach. Jihoon thought he had mastered control over his emotions. He had been doing great for so long, ignoring the insults from other people, reaching expectations despite the burden it carried, smiling as if nothing happened. Jihoon did all of that until one day, he realized, it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. He wasn't doing his best because if he was, then they wouldn't have taken this long to debut. He knew at the back of his mind that he couldn't control everything but he wished so hard every night that when morning came, they were able to shine like the diamonds they really were. They've been through a lot of pressure and a diamond shone the brightest under the hardest of times.
"We're here for you, okay? Relay on us sometimes." Soonyoung smiles at him.
Jihoon was the type to work alone yet in front of him were people ready to help him. All he needed to do was reach out. The realization brought a new wave of tears and soon enough, he was sobbing again. Today was totally not his day but he was thankful that there were people who were ready to catch him when he felt like falling apart.
"Ey ey ey you should stop crying." Soonyoung wipes at his tears. "You're stealing my trademark. Do you want to be the next 10:10?" He jokes. It tugs a small smile on Jihoon's lips. "Trust me, you look better when you laugh." Such sincerity warmed Jihoon's heart that he finally got a laugh out though it sounded broken, it was good enough for Soonyoung. "That's better. Oh by the way Jihoonie, if you're gonna divorce S.Coups soon, marry me next okay? I'll be a better husband!"
"What are you talking about?" Jihoon punches him lightly on the chest.
"I'm just saying, if you need a new husband, I'm available." Soonyoung winks. Jihoon sighs.
"Oi, I'm here too." Mingyu butts in, pulling at Jihoon's hand. "I can definitely be a better husband than these two. I can cook."
"You think that puts you in advantage?" Soonyoung glances at Mingyu challengingly.
"Well, hyung already eats most of the dishes I make and he said it himself, he'd rather live with me than Ramyun cup noodles." At the mention of Ramyun, Soonyoung looked offended.
Watching the two of them argue had lifted Jihoon's spirit a little. But then he notices how Seungcheol never said a word after Soonyoung came to the rescue. Their leader was staring into space and it confused Jihoon slightly but he shrugged it off. He was really exhausted to actually notice it was about him.
"Well, now that you're talking again. Let's have dinner together." Soonyoung gets up from Jihoon's bunk bed and pulls the other with him.
"I'll cook something for you so you wouldn't have to eat our leftovers. I'm sure you're really hungry after holing yourself in that studio. I'll go on ahead." Mingyu leaves the bedroom which leaves Soonyoung, Seungcheol and Jihoon to their own devices.
"You should wash up before eating. You look wrecked." Soonyoung suggests. Jihoon nods.
They remaing three got out of the bedroom and headed to the bathroom where Jihoon washed his face. Soonyoung and Seungcheol watched in silence as their friend freshen up.
"Can you leave us for a moment? I want to talk with Woozi alone." Seungcheol asks fo Soonyoung. There was something he really needed to tell Jihoon before the day ends.
"You're not gonna try and steal him away, will you?" Soonyoung was skeptical.
"No I just... want to apologize properly." Seungcheol looked dejected. A memory of that confession night flashes in his mind and he couldn't help the guilt that gnawed in his chest.
"Alright then. Please take care of our Jihoonie." Then Soonyoung leaves.
Now there was only Jihoon and Seungcheol left. There was an awkward tension Seungcheol couldn't decipher but he needed to do this as soon as he can or it will forever hold him down.
"Woozi..." He starts. It catches Jihoon's attention and now they were face-to-face. "Before we get out of here, I want to apologize first." Seungcheol felt a lump in his throat as he searched for the courage and words to get his feelings through. "What I said at confession night during Project 17... I'm really sorry." He bows down 90 degrees. "I didn't mean for it to come to this. I guess the pressure from the missions had me on edge and somehow... I let my frustration out on you. You didn’t deserve that. I know you've been working harder than any of us and I know you don't show it so I'm really sorry for everything that I've done and said that led to this day. As the leader, I should be the one who understands everyone the most. I should be fair but that night, I was just looking for someone to blame."
There was a long silence between them after that. Seungcheol wasn't sure where his little speech was going to take him but he needed to do it. He wanted Jihoon to know what he felt at that moment before it passes and become another bad memory.
"S.Coups... I understand where you're coming from. Maybe I dwelled on it too much which led to what happened today but I can assure you, it was more of me than you. I just get really sad sometimes..." Jihoon trails off. It wasn't the first time he broke down. Usually, no one knew about his break downs it was just that today, they had to catch him at his lowest.
"Still... what Hoshi said a while back; we're here for you okay? Talk to us." Seungcheol moves forward and hugs Jihoon in his arms. Jihoon reciprocates and hugs back, giving Seungcheol as smile as they part.
"Now let's get out of here and see everyone else."