Archive of Our Own

Drop. 
Drop. 
Drop.

The cold water covered my body, sending shivers down my spine. I liked it - it kept the pain in my arms subtle, but still enough for me to feel it.

I didn't want this. I really didn't. 
I wanted to be like the rest of the members - or at least how they used to be.

Deep down, all of us are hurting. But I'm the only one who's affected that much. I'm the only one not strong enough to fight through it. But, honestly, am I to blame?

It was all my fault. 
I could have prevented this. 
I should have helped more. 
I should have worked harder. 
But it's too late now.

They're gone. 
We are not the same. 
Stray Kids will never be the same without them.

Sighing, I rested my head on the edge of the bathtub. I closed my eyes and laid down so that only my nose was above the surface of the water. My arms rested on the sides of the bathtub, one of them holding the blade as if it's the only thing that would help me.

It wasn't going to help. 
I knew it. 
But I couldn't stop myself. 
It helped me in some way. 
Focusing on the pain in my arms made me forget the pain in my heart for at least a bit. 
It was something. 
And I was thankful.

Drop. 
Drop. 
Drop.

I didn't know whether water or blood made that sound, and I didn't care. It doesn't matter, anyways.

Opening my eyes, I stared at the ceiling, letting my mind wander around freely.

And, of course, I thought of my best friend.

Felix.

He didn't deserve this. 
It's my fault. 
I knew he was struggling, but I didn't help him enough. 
I saw that Changbin hyung spend a lot of time with him, I suppose he tried his best to help the blonde boy improve.

That should have been me, but instead, I locked myself away from Felix and the rest.

I wouldn't eat. 
I wouldn't sleep. 
I wouldn't talk. 
I just... Existed. 
All I did was think about  him .

The members tried their best to help me feel better, each of them failing miserably.

I appreciated their concern, but it wasn't helping. 
And they knew it. 
They knew what - or who, I needed. 
But they couldn't bring him back.
They knew it wasn't possible to change JYP's mind. 
We already asked him
We begged him. 
We promised we'd help him - Minho - who later was joined by Felix, improve what they lacked. 
We told him that our group wasn't the same without the shy looking Minho and the sunshine that Felix is. 
We told him he can't eliminate them. 
We told him we're a team. 
We told him that we're like one body. 
With some of the parts missing, we wouldn't work well. 
But he rejected us. 
He said it's for the better. 
And we accepted that.

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. 
I still didn't understand why Chan accepted what JYP said....he didn't give up on Minho and Felix, right? 
He always told us we'd debut as one. 
He promised us.
And we believed him.

I lifted myself up so I can sit in the tub. I took the blood-covered blade and twirled it around my fingers carefully, still thinking about Felix and Minho.

Bringing the blade down to my skin, I thought of all the times I fucked up.

I dragged the cold metal across my wrist, muttering words no one was going to hear.

Woojin deserves someone better. You never help him enough, Jisung. He won't care what's going to happen to you.  He always complains about how loud you are, so...

The blade left a deep cut across my pale skin, but I didn't feel any pain.
I felt empty. 
It's probably the lack of food and sleep.

I dragged the cold metal through my wrist once more.

Chan only added you to the group out of pity. You should have done everyone a favor and reject his offer. You're only bringing them down, especially since Minho was eliminated.

Another cut. 
And another. 
And another. 
It's like drugs.
You get addicted.

Changbin will always be better than you at rap. He shouldn't have wasted time in trying to help your talentless self improve. He should have helped the ones who deserved the help - Felix and Minho.

I smiled weakly at the sign of my bleeding arms. 
I didn't feel the pain....or maybe I just knew I deserved to suffer.

Or Hyunjin. 
He works so much more than you. 
He deserves more than you do. 
So why do you even try?

There was hardly any space on my arms that wasn't covered in cuts, old or new.

Seungmin doesn't even like you. Have you noticed how much he avoids you? 
It's probably because he knew how close you and the two eliminated members were. He probably blames you for not helping them enough.

My eyes shifted towards my legs, as I wondered if I should leave my bloody arms and move onto my thighs.
We rarely wore clothes that exposed our legs, so no one would notice, right?

Jeonginnie...why is JYP even saying you lack? When it's obvious that I, Jisung, am the one who lacks talent? Not only talent, but visual wise as well? 
You  deserve better, Ginnie... Maybe if I leave, JYP will notice how talented and hardworking you are.

I kept dragging the blade across my skin as I whispered every member's name. 
It was all my fault. 
They all deserve better.

Felix....my poor Lix. 
And I dared to think I was his best friend. 
He deserves someone better. 
Someone who gives his all to him....like Changbin. 
Hyung will help him a lot more than I ever did.

And then, the only one left on my mind was the one I missed the most.

Minho.

The boy who stole my heart within days. 
The boy who's smiles melted my heart and made me forget my problems. 
The boy who never hesitated helping others when they  needed  a hand , even if he was  tired  as fuck. 
The boy....who I betrayed. 
I promised him that nothing will keep us apart. 
I promised that I'll help him prepare.
It wasn't enough. 
I did a bad job. 
I didn't help him enough when I saw him struggling.

I pressed the blade deep into the skin of my thighs, whimpering at the amount of blood that emerged from the cut.

There is only one person who is able to make me feel alive again. 
It's him. 
He is the only thing I need, as selfish as it sounds.

I knew I didn't deserve him and his love, but I took it anyway. 
I took it for granted. 
I never showed him just how much he meant to me. 
It's too late now. 
Far too late...

I let my eyes close as darkness covered my mind. The blade fell into the water with a soft splash. I felt my body relaxing and my arms dropping on both sides of the tub, blood dripping from them. The water was no longer clean - it had turned red because of all the blood that leaked from my body.

I heard someone calling my name, though I wasn't sure who.

The door swung open, and I heard a loud scream, filled with worry, which then was followed by a call for help.

'Chan! Call the doctors - the hospital - just call someone! Jisung needs help!'

I turned my head towards the person who stumbled into the bathroom, slowly opening my eyes to see who it was.

I saw a crying Minho shaking my shoulders, tears falling down his cheeks.

'Stay with me, Jisungie, please stay with me. I love you so much, don't leave me, please, don't leave me...'

The last thing I felt before everything went numb was a pair of soft lips gently pressing onto mine.